The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 20 - Pretty Man - full transcript

(Mindy) The best part of living
in New York is the nightlife.

The second best part
is knowing that

Jay-Z and Beyonce are sharing
the same weather as me.

But the best part is the nightlife.

The problem is, you can't
enjoy the nightlife

if your friends are a bunch
of geriatric shut-in lame-os.

Alex, it's your lucky night.
Oh, yeah.

Tonight, my friend, we are going
to have as much fun as the time

that we snuck onto
John Stamos's party bus.

Sounds so cool, but I'm actually
staying in to watch TV tonight...

Oh, well, that sounds pretty fun.



With Danny.
Ugh, gross.

(Danny) Hey, I can hear you.

[Dance music playing]

♪ It's taking off,
so let's go, let's go ♪

♪ Feel that bass in that boom ♪

- Sir?
- Yes?

These are complimentary
wasabi peas, right?

- Yes.
- I'm not gonna get charged for them?

- No.
- Thank you.

- This is kind of a hard place to get into.
- Yeah.

I only got in 'cause I told 'em

that my teenage daughter
was trapped inside.

I don't have a teenage daughter.

I'm not old enough.



Not interested in having
children anytime soon.

Maybe one day.
Whoa.

Did you just... me?

♪

Uh, uh, sorry, sorry.

A good-looking guy
is coming over here.

- Hey!
- Thank you.

♪

Ow! Ow!

Damn it!
I got wasabi in my eye!

Allow me.

Whoa.

I'm Adam.

[Both giggle]

And this is how you can get
a parking ticket in Manhattan

without even owning a car.

[Chuckles] Yeah.

I am so excited that I decided

- to come out tonight.
- You know, it's getting pretty late.

You should probably
take me home with you.

[Kissing]

(Mindy) You're really
good at frenching.

I don't... I don't usually
do this kinda thing.

(Adam) I'm glad
that sometimes you do.

You deserve a treat.
Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Before we, uh, you know...
- Yeah.

How much you wanna spend?
Hm?

Well, if I stay overnight,
it costs more.

- Mm...
- Oh, my God!

Are you a prostitute?

- Yeah.
- Oh, God.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

[Upbeat music]

♪

(Adam) How did you not
know I was a prostitute?

Out! Get out!

You came to the bar alone.

You paid for every drink.

You kept talking about
how money is no object.

Sorry, I get tacky
when I get drunk, all right?

And by the way,
you are not supposed to kiss.

That is, like, the number one
rule in pretty woman.

- Get out!
- Ooh, kissing is a big part of what I do.

I'm actually one of the best
mouth guys in the city.

Gross!
Get out, get out.

[Deep breath]

I am never going out again.

(Morgan) Dr. C, I know babies
with better handwriting.

Actual babies.
It's fine, Morgan.

- Hey, guys.
- Whoa.

Looks like someone had a fun night
and is paying for it today.

I don't pay for it, Morgan.

What is that supposed to mean?

Nothin... nothing.
Okay.

Sorry, Morgan.
I'm sorry.

I did nothing unusual last night.

Danny, I have two theater tickets

that I'm not going to use
for Saturday night.

I thought you and Alex could go.

That's really nice.
I can't.

I'm taking Alex to Vermont.

Wow. What are you gonna do next?

Take pottery classes or something?

Ooh, I'll come to that.

What do you want, Deslaurier?

Your package was delivered
to my floor by mistake.

Yankee candle company.

Mindy, how are you?

I'm as good as any other
human in this room.

Why don't you
take Brendan to the play?

That makes no sense,
and he has no interest.

I'm actually very interested
in the theater.

Even bad theater is good theater.

I believe it was
Bertolt Brecht who once...

You see, I think you guys
would have a lot to talk about.

That's strange. We have
no natural rapport, he and I.

- Nothing?
- The theater is meant to be

a shared experience
where people can forget the past

and move on to the future
with a new understanding.

Hey, man.
You guys want a moment?

Hey, cut it out.

And cut it out.
You're fine.

Morgan, you can have these tickets.

- It's your lucky day.
- Oh, my God. Thank you. It is!

Nice to see you again.

Uh, Brendan, we get there at 8:00.

The one thing is,
hold onto your coat,

because they get you
with the coat check.

That's...

I'm not paying 10 bucks
to check a $5 coat.

Maggie, what is your deal?

You usually eat like someone
just rescued you from a life raft.

Had a big breakfast,
real belt-popper.

Okay. Hey.

When you are in Vermont
this weekend,

I need you to go to Ben & Jerry's,

and I want you to get me
a tie-dye mug.

- I wanna put hair clips in it.
- Vermont?

Yeah, when you and Danny
go this weekend.

Alex and Danny are having a party!

God. It feels really good
to get that out there.

- Wait. What?
- It's just a small dinner thing.

Danny and my best friend,
who he met through me,

are hosting a dinner party
that I'm not invited to?

Hey, I barely made the cut.

This person is invited?
No offense.

So what I am supposed to do?
Just, like,

lay in the street like a corpse
while stray dogs nudge my body?

Sometimes you and Gwen
have dinner without us.

Because having dinner
with Gwen in her weird,

haunted mansion in Greenwich
is so much fun.

We definitely talked
about inviting you.

Mm-hmm.
And the answer was no?

Trust me, I was pro.

Okay, then who was con?

Hey, Danny, are you excited
about your trip to Vermont?

I heard the foliage is
beautiful this time of year.

I think you might
be thinking about fall.

I know about your party, you liar.

[Deep breath] Oh, boy. Okay, look.

- Don't try to turn my friends against me...
- Okay, stop hitting me.

- And make them lie.
- Just relax and I'll explain to you.

It's a small dinner.
Is it?

I'm not even adding leaves
to the table.

That's how small it is.
Hey, everybody.

Danny's having a big party
at his house

on Saturday night,
and you're all invited.

Won't that be fun?
Tell all your friends.

No, I'm not having a party, so...
Why would you do that to me?

Danny, how bad could it be?

I'm not gonna be there.

Okay, you're acting like a brat.

Fine. You can come to the party.

I don't wanna go
to your stupid party.

But you know what?
I should've been invited.

I'm sorry I lied to you.

It's just if I invited you,
then you would've

brought one of these guys
that you date.

What do you mean
one of these guys that I date?

The guys that you date
are kinda dicks.

- Excuse me?
- I'm sorry, but it's true.

And I mean, I just
don't want them at my home.

It's like that...
The orthodontist

- who dumped you for the hot, young girl.
- Okay.

The lawyer who had
the secret girlfriend.

Yeah, fine. You cherry-pick
these examples

and you will find flaws
in almost any...

Brendan Deslaurier?

I would never, ever...

I saw you at the hospital with him.

(Danny) You were going at it.

It was gross and unprofessional.

We hooked up once, and then a couple
more times, but then only once.

Okay, look. You know, you guys are
sneaking around behind my back.

You, with an enemy of the practice.

And what did you do?
You guys go home

and you make fun
of my piano playing?

Why would that come up?
It comes up.

I like your piano playing.
Oh, come on, Mindy.

Please.
My piano playing sucks.

I don't like it, and that's
why you weren't invited.

Excuse me, Betsy.

Dr. Lahiri, there's a man
here to see you.

He's handsome like
my Uncle Brent... on easter.

[Ding]

Oh, my God.

[Low] Come here. Come here.

Hey. What are you doing here?

I need my money.
Oh, God.

I know. It's the skeeziest
part of my job.

Please keep
a little bit of distance.

What, you don't trust me?

I don't, Adam the prostitute.
I don't.

Great, and now I
can't even remember my pin

because you smell too good
and it's distracting me.

It's not your birthday, is it?

No.

[Beeping]

You've been having
a rough day, haven't you?

Yes, I have, actually.

A prostitute came to my place of
work to shake me down for money.

I get it.
I'm a prostitute!

I'm sorry you've ever
had to interact

- with someone like me in your lifetime.
- Just keep... I'm sorry.

He's not... could you
keep your voice down?

Okay. All right. I've been
having a crappy day, yes.

Not just because of you.

A co-worker was mean to me.

My dry cleaner
called me "sir," so...

I do feel bad about this.

You're way younger than most of
my clients, and a lot cooler.

I mostly end up with
a lot of wealthy invalids.

Okay, all right.
Well, thank you.

I'm not your client, but thank you.

Hey, before you get back
to your really crappy day,

maybe I can make it up to you?

Come over for a cup of coffee?

I live close by.

Absolutely not.
You're right.

Stupid idea.

Why you wanna spend any time with
some broke-ass hustler with ADHD?

All right, all right.

Sure.

All right, I'll have
coffee with you.

- All right.
- But coffee is not, like,

some weird code word
for some sex thing is it?

So everyone from the office
is coming?

I lost control of the whole thing.

Now I gotta get all this extra ice.

No, I think it's great.

I didn't wanna have
a boring dinner party anyway.

- I like that you're opening up.
- And I'm trying.

People always say I'm closed up,

but the thing is, I don't like
people touching my stuff.

You?
Fine. I don't mind.

But the rest of them,
your parkers and so on? Aah.

I'm dating a hot doctor
with a great apartment.

Not every night can be us watching
shows about the Panama canal.

- That thing's an engineering marvel.
- Mm.

Alex, hi.
I was hoping you could warn

your bewheelchair'd friend Maggie

that I'll be bringing someone
to the party.

I wouldn't want her to get jealous.

Uh, she's a big girl.
She'll be fine.

Also, Danny,
the janitor wants to know

your party's policy
on small children.

[Singsong]
Danny's gonna throw a rager.

(Mindy) I cannot believe that you
have not seen pretty woman.

I mean, someone in your line of work,
it should be required viewing.

They do make us watch a video
about what to do

if one of your clients
passes out in the hot tub.

Oh, my God.

[Police siren wailing]

Wow, it's really nice.

Is your building
inside of another building?

- Hello.
- Oh, God.

I am Dikembe, Adam's roommate.

Oh.
Dikembe's a taxi driver.

Adam is prostitute.

Yeah, I learned that.

Adam, look at all these trophies.

That's cute. Wait.

- Did you get them from winning sex competitions?
- No.

Those are from singing competitions
I won back in Indiana.

He has the voice of an angel.

(Adam) Come on, Dikembe.

Is that true?
Yeah.

That's actually
why I moved out here.

My dream was to become
a singer-songwriter.

Obviously, it's not
playing out that way.

- Well, can you sing something for me?
- Ah, no.

Come on. I came all the way
down to skid row.

All right.

♪ As I went down
in the valley to pray ♪

♪ Good lord, show me the way ♪

Oh, my God.

Adam, you are way too talented

- to be doing what you're doing.
- I don't know.

Sometimes I feel like
I'm supposed to be a prostitute.

Adam, no. Look.

There are times in our lives
when we have

to take a good hard look
at what we're doing

and see if that is working for us.

And believe me, I have been
doing that a lot recently.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, man.

You live across a curtain
from a guy.

I believe there was
a human bone in your hallway.

Something has to change here.

And you know what?
I will help you.

Hey, Danny. I am coming
to your dinner party tonight.

And guess what.
I'm bringing a guest.

He is nice. He is talented.
He is kind.

Mindy, I'm with a patient.

(Mindy) Okay, then why did
you pick up your phone?

Stop being so obsessed with me.

You might never have seen
the movie pretty woman.

But today, my friend,
you're gonna live it.

May I join you at the party?

No, Dikembe, you can't.

(Mindy) I want you to
look nice for tonight,

so please, buy anything you want.

What am I gonna talk about?

I can't talk about my job.

Talk about your love of music,

or how you met me
and how I changed your life.

But whatever you do,
do not let anyone

treat you like
you're less than them.

Can I help you?

My friend here would
like to buy some clothing,

and I wanna make sure
that you treat him

with the same respect
as everyone else here.

Great. Let me know
if you need anything.

I thought that would be
more of a scene.

[Upbeat rock music]

♪

The guests are here.
The food's out.

You're not breaking out in hives.

You, sir, are hosting a party.

Yep.

[Knock at door]

Whoo! Yeah.
Hey, buddy.

I brought grandma's
famous chicken wings.

The secret ingredient is love.

I'm kidding, it's whiskey.

There's no love involved in these.

Morgan, you're killing me.

I mean, chicken wings, that's
the messiest food in the world.

Okay, relax, Monica from friends.

I brought a wet nap.
"A" wet nap?

Yeah.
Hey, Morgan, wing me.

(Danny) No, no, no.
Are you kidding me?

- Sorry.
- (Danny) Hand her the wing!

- Jeremy, how's it going?
- Maggie, hello.

- Yeah, hey.
- Excuse us a second.

I'm really hoping to avoid a scene.

But the fact is, I came
to this party with Tatia.

I'll understand if you feel you
have to leave and gather yourself.

Dude, she is insanely hot.

I'm sorry?
Good for you.

Oh, thank you... for this.
[Chuckles]

Beer, sweetheart?
Oh.

- Let's roll.
- That accent's doing you a lot of favors.

Hello, Dr. L.

This is Adam.

Great. Another male ten.

Just what this party needs.

That's very rude.
I'm sorry.

There's just a lot of...
Adam. Hi.

A lot of sausage here.

Wow. Did you see Mindy's date?
He's hot.

No man's hot.

Paul Newman was handsome,
but that's it.

Hey, you two.
This is Adam.

Hey, great place.

Your roof has a window,

- and that's amazing.
- So what do you do for a living, guy?

Adam is a singer-songwriter, and
a very talented one at that.

So what do you do for money?

I, uh...
I have family money.

- Okay.
- Family money, so that's that.

Railroad money, a lot of it.

Railroad money?
They still do that, huh?

Yeah, my family owns
a lot of the major railroads.

Like, the really big ones.

Mostly north-South,
a few east-west.

So all the major directions?

Yeah, I'm tired of talking
about railroads.

Hey! You know,
Danny has a beautiful piano.

Can you play us something?

- Yeah, I think that's a great idea.
- Sure, yeah.

Yeah, I'd love to hear that.

[Deep breath]

[Piano flourish]

That's the most beautiful music
I've ever heard in my life.

[Playing Norah Jones's
Come Away With Me ]

♪

♪ Come away with me
in the night ♪

♪

♪ Come away with me

What are you doing?
Get off the piano.

Sorry.

Oh, my God!

♪ You a song

[applause]

- Yeah!
- Bravo.

Dr. C, I think you should play now.

- Oh, no. No, no, no.
- Yes!

I mean, come on.
Go up there and play!

- Do it!
- I'm not gonna play pop song...

Something a little more classy.

Norah Jones is very classy.

[Deep breath]

[Playing Beethoven's fur elise ]

[Playing clumsily]

Beethoven.

[Playing sloppily]

No, I got it.
I got it.

"G."

[Playing along]

"K." Thanks.

"E."

Mindy, get off the piano.

- Oh, God!
- Whoa! You gotta stop getting up there.

♪

Yeah! Huh?

Beautiful.
That was amazing.

Adam, you really...
You saved it.

No. Well, he didn't save it.
We were just...

We were jamming there, Morgan.

Hello.
What are you doing?

This room's off-limits.

Well, you weren't giving out
tours of your apartment,

and I wanted to see your bedroom,
so I gave myself my own tour.

Terrific.
Tour's over.

This is so cool,
this Spanish language version

of catcher in the rye.

I can kind of understand it,
and I don't speak Spanish.

No, just don't touch my book.
[Speaking Spanish]

Going through my stuff.
Don't look at my books, please.

- All right, all right.
- Okay? Don't look at anything in my room.

- Whoa!
- Let's go back in the party.

- Cool view, Danny.
- Don't look at my view. Let's...

Oh. I see a bathroom.

Oh, I hate this.

So you're the, uh...
You're the train guy.

My dad actually, uh,
sold the train business.

And then he invested
all the money in minerals.

Shut up.

I am so into minerals!

God, now I have more questions.

This place is amazing.

Oh, my God.
[Laughs]

- What?
- Danny!

Do you have
a dandruff problem, Danny?

Yes, I do.
Sometimes, I do.

Okay, I get it.
I'm gross.

And my dandruff flakes,
they just rain snow everywhere.

I'm sweaty.

I'm really closed off
and everybody hates me.

- I get it.
- Uh, no.

- It's fine.
- I was just teasing you just a little bit

about the dandruff shampoo.

Well, just don't tell Deslaurier.

Okay.

I'm sorry that I lied to you
about Brendan.

But frankly, it is
none of your business.

For your information,
the reason I didn't tell you

is because he treated me badly
and I was embarrassed.

He treated you badly?
Yeah. Happy?

He's an idiot
for treating you badly.

I mean, he's an idiot
anyway, but...

Thanks.
Well, what about Adam?

He seems like a cool guy.

Maybe.

- Maybe?
- Oh, God.

Do you use a washcloth?

This is disgusting.

This is a breeding ground
for bacteria.

Okay, no. I use one side for my
torso and limbs and the other side

for my pits and my feet.

How can you tell
which side is which?

Ugh. Gross.

You know what?
You know what's gross

is you left your wine
in the shower.

You look thirsty.

You keep playing
your cards right, Aussie,

you could be my last continent.

Danny is not recognizable to me.

I don't know what
you're doing to him,

but, I mean, everyone is over
at his house at a party.

I have never seen that side of him.

Yeah? I've been working
really hard to open him up.

Yeah, I think his ex-wife
really did a number on him.

Wait.
Uh, Danny has an ex-wife?

Yeah.
You knew about that.

No, I didn't.

I was wrong.

He's not the one that was married.

Who was it that was married?

President Obama was married.

Okay.
Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex!

Oh, thank God, there you are.

I really like talking
to all these people.

They're really nice.
I just wish I didn't

have to pretend like
I was someone else.

We don't have to fight right
now in the middle of a party.

I think, Adam, that you should
maybe play some music right now.

That I can do.
Maybe an original?

Excuse me, Mindy.
No!

Adam, great idea.
Just play some music.

Everybody, I have fantastic news.

Adam is going to play
an original composition.

So stop talking or fighting

or whatever you're doing,
and just come over and listen.

We're so lucky.

♪ You got Broadway plays

♪ On one side of town

♪ And you got skyscrapers
on the other side of town ♪

♪ And you got subway trains
that go under the town ♪

♪ And you got yellow taxis
to drive you around ♪

♪ What city
am I talking about? ♪

New York?

♪ What city
am I talking about? ♪

You're describing
a lot of different cities.

♪ Say what city
am I talking about? ♪

Dallas?
Go to the next part.

♪ Well, after 9/11

No, no, no, no.
Too soon.

No, no, no, stop.
Okay, Adam, stop.

- Hey, Adam, you can't sing this.
- What?

This is offensive.

People are not going
to like this song.

No, I get it.
I don't fit in here.

That's not true.
Just play norah Jones.

- Everyone loved that.
- No, it's true. I don't belong here.

- No, you do belong here.
- And apparently... look, guys.

It's all okay.

I've been spending
a lot of time tonight

pretending to be things
that I'm not.

- No.
- Look, it's time I embrace

who I really am.
No, don't.

Please don't embrace who you are.

Guys, I'm a prostitute.

What?
[Laughs]

Psych!

And as a prostitute,
everyone always thinks

there must be some other thing
that you aspire to be.

But you know what, guys?

I really like being a prostitute.

I get paid to have sex with women.

Don't gesture to me like that.

It's misleading.
I mean, is that so bad?

- Yes, very.
- Yes.

That's bad.

Mindy, I'm gonna go...
Okay.

- But thank you.
- You're welcome. Just please leave.

Hey.

(Morgan) Oh, God, no. Stop. Stop.

You gotta be kidding me.
What?

[Door closes]

God, that was a good kiss.

You brought a prostitute
into my home.

My home!
Alleged prostitute.

Look at the constitution
for once in your life.

Did you know that
he was a prostitute?

No, absolutely not. No.
Yesterday.

Today, I knew, and I brought
him knowing full well

that he was a prostitute, but I
was going to pretty woman him.

Mindy, he touched my piano.

How was the sex?

Okay, I refuse to answer questions

from people that
I don't know personally.

I'm sorry.
Fine, I'll ask her then.

How was the sex?

I didn't have sex with him!

Everybody, give Dr. L a break.

- Thank you, Beverly.
- We've all done it.

- No.
- For me,

it was Christmas time
during the war.

They had just hung Saddam.

Okay, I'm gonna
shut this down right now.

I'm hungry.
Morgan, wing me.

- Morgan, hand her the wing!
- I'm sorry.

Wonder where my subway card is.

I gotta get some food.

Hey, where are you going?

Hey!
Where are you going?

Hey, Danny, great party.

You're about to leave?
Are you smoking?

Yeah, I'm smoking.

At least there's one or two
things you don't know about me.

You should know better.

You're poisoning yourself.

Are you really giving me
life advice right now?

Seriously?
Okay, fair enough.

So Alex and I broke up tonight,
in case you didn't know.

You decided to tell her about my
ex-wife in the middle of the party.

Why did you do that?
That was really stupid.

- I am sorry to hear that...
- Yeah, okay.

But I think it is crazy

that you would not tell her
about your ex-wife.

[Chuckles] What? What's so funny?

You're unbelievable to me.

You brought a prostitute
to my party, which you ruined,

and you still have the confidence

to stand there
with your hand on your hip

and tell me what's wrong
with my life?

I'm sorry, Mindy.
That's just funny to me.

I was just trying to be
a good friend.

I didn't ask to be your friend.

(Parker) Ahem. Uh, Dr. C?

- (Danny) Parker, what is it?
- Sorry to interrupt.

One of the Australians may have set
a small fire inside your piano.

Are you mad because

- you looked like a fool at the party?
- Did I really look that bad?

You looked... it was bad.
It was a bad one.

Why would I think
it was a good idea

to pretty woman
some male prostitute?

You always take chances
on people who no one else will.

Like, me...
Super good-looking guy,

very strong, but kind of a dirtbag.

And now, I own my own laptop.

It's the biggest laptop
you've er seen.

Do you know what Danny told me?

He says that I only go out
with guys who are dis.

[Chuckles] And you know what?

I think he's right.

Ah. He would know.
What does that mean?

Well, I can only say this
because Dr. Castellano

is, like, my best friend.

But he's a rich doctor
with a ton of friends,

and he should maybe smile for once.

Instead, he's like,
"uh, everyone keep it down.

I'm trying to read
the sports section."

"Uh, works starts at 9:00.

Not 9:01. Not 9:02."

"There's two flavors for coffee:
Cream and sugar."

[Both groaning mockingly]