The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 19 - My Cool Christian Boyfriend - full transcript

This station's first Avenue.
First Avenue.

Whoa. N... um...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay.

Damn it.

Hey, man, you're supposed
to let commuters

get off the train before you get on

with your giant weird boxes.

Sorry. You looked like you were
reading your trashy magazine.

Sue me for trying to get to a place

but also wanting to find out
if Elin Nordegren



is moving on with her life.

By the way, she's open to dating.

Yeah, so you'll get off
at the next stop.

Yeah, in Brooklyn,
where everyone is

incredibly intimidating
and expressive.

So thanks for adding
that to my day.

And by the way, what's in these?

Like, dead bodies?

Stuffed animals
filled with cocaine?

Baby strollers for Haiti, okay?

They've got all-terrain
wheels on them

so that malnourished mothers

can push the strollers
through the rubble.

Aw.



I didn't know that you were
some kind of do-gooder.

I do what I do, all right?

If other people want to think
it's good, it's on them.

Aw.

Okay.
Enough, okay?

He's not the only good person
on the subway.

I'm a doctor.

But you know the way you were
dressed, I thought you were, like,

- a rapper's publicist or something.
- Thank you.

Not a compliment.

Let's see your card.

Oh, I get it.
Because you don't believe me.

- You're gonna look so dumb, mister.
- All right.

"Dr. Mindy Lahiri."

Mm-hmm.

Cute card.
Thank you.

Cuter doctor.
Whoa.

What is happening here?

Can I call you?

For what, like a date
or something weird?

For a date.

We'll see if it turns into
something weird, okay?

That's a very sexy thing to say.

If other people wanna think
that's sexy, that's on them.

This is your stop.

Yeah, I should go.
Okay, yeah.

Oh, God, what is this, a band?

Okay, sir, put a shirt on.

Rabbi, I have to get by.

There's a situ... okay.
What a horrible snake.

Stupid Brooklyn.

Guys, I met a hot stranger
on the subway,

and he did not try to kill me.

In fact, he was handsome.
And get this...

He was sending boxes to Haiti.

Okay, I understand that boxes
are fun to play in,

but people in Haiti need supplies.

Sounds better than
your last couple guys.

I guess that we'll just wait
for the other shoe to drop.

Dark-secret-wise.

Okay, Mr. Cynical.

I feel sorry for you
that you can't believe

a person exists who does
good for other people.

Hey, I'm going to the practice
volunteer trip next week.

In fact, Mindy,
you're the only person

who currently isn't going.

Ugh. A women's prison?
You guys, come on.

If I wanted to get shanked,

I'd just shave my legs
drunk again... am I right?

Mindy, the American prison
system is a blemish

on an otherwise beautiful country.

The least we can do is offer

these poor souls free health care.

I am chipping in
for the van, am I not?

And that is a very
generous contribution.

This is like habitat for humanity.

Would you prefer someone
who has never

picked up a hammer before,
or would you prefer a check

to buy as many hammers as you want?

So no one is hammering
in your scenario.

Mindy, these inmates,
they need our help.

They're mostly good people.

That is true.
They mainly are good people.

But as an ex-con, let me tell you,

they are mostly
dead-eyed creeps and savages.

Morgan makes a great point.

See? You are the tallest man

that I've ever been on a date with.

- Thank you.
- I dated a guy once that was 5'1".

He was a cockswain for a crew team.

I rode a crew.
Really?

I rode with the winklevoss twins.

They called us
the winklevoss triplets.

This is a really nice date.

You know,
this place used to be a speakeasy.

- Really?
- Uh-huh,

babe Ruth
was said to have thrown up

at that booth over there.

That's funny that you
bring up babe Ruth,

because I saw Derek Jeter
at a night club one night.

- Whoa.
- I think it was Derek Jeter.

He was definitely mid raxe
good enough for me.

I love New York City.

Every building
used to be something else.

For instance, my apartment used
to be a tuberculosis hospital.

Are you kidding?

My apartment building

used to be a tuberculosis hospital.

I feel like there should
be a walking tour

- of all the pockets in New York City...
- Totally.

Where illnesses
have ravaged the population.

Yes.
Do you know what I mean?

- Like, upper westside is smallpox.
- Mm-hmm.

Roosevelt island is polio,
ironically enough.

We're going on this tour.

Here's your appetizer.

- Thanks.
- Oh, my God, this looks so good.

- Casey, you've got to try this.
- Lord Jesus,

we are your brothers and sisters,

- and we gather here in your name,
- Oh, my God.

In your love.

Give us your blessing
and bless this food for us.

Amen.
All right, let's do this.

Oh, is it funky?

Did we get some funky bruschetta?

Were you just praying?

Was that weird for you?

No. Do you do that a lot?

I do. Yeah.

It's kind of like an
occupational hazard, I guess.

- I'm a minister, so...
- Ha ha ha!

- No, I am.
- Oh, you were not kidding?

Danny, do you remember that guy

that I said I was going out with?

- Vaguely.
- Get this.

He's a priest.
A catholic priest?

You should feel weird,
because you're going to hell.

No, he's Lutheran.

Well, that just makes him
a minister.

And you're missing the point.

When dinner came, he began to pray.

At a restaurant, Danny.

Okay, whoa.
Hold... hold it right there.

Before you say anything offensive,

let me tell you that
I'm a pretty serious catholic.

Really?

How can someone with
a God complex be religious?

Aren't you afraid of being smited?

No, I'm not one of those
crazy fanatic Catholics.

I just... I go to church
every Sunday,

father Francis
comes over for dinner

five times a month, Max.

You know what,
you are perfect for this.

Will you please come with me
to Casey's service this weekend?

I kind of like him,
and I need to make sure

that he's normal and not some,
like, weirdo cult leader.

You know what?
Sure.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I actually find that confronting

other faiths strengthens mine.

I once fasted for a month
during Ramadan

just to be more catholic.
Okay.

You know, I've wandered
into brises, and I come out,

and I'm more catholic,
so I do this stuff...

You can head out
because I'm gonna finish.

Okay, great.
So Sunday.

See you Sunday.
I'll help you out.

Thanks, Danny.
Great. No problem.

So should I be worried
that you're going to church?

Hey, Rishi, I didn't ask you

to spend spring break
on my couch, okay?

I don't need your judgment.

All right, well, give me
some of that doctor money,

and I'll be in Mexico tomorrow.

With your head chopped off, Rishi?

I don't think so.
I have a CD of ocean sounds.

I have margarita mix.
You are fine here.

Look, woman.

Just don't change yourself
for this guy, all right?

I mean, I dig it
when girls do it for me,

but then I totally
lose respect for them.

Ew, Rishi.

There is no way that
I'm gonna change who I am.

What are you wearing?

Church clothes.

Have you never seen
a Tyler Perry movie?

Oh, are you kidding?

Yeah, seriously.

You gotta lose the hat.

Danny, it's part of my outfit.

Just lose the hat.

Lose your tie.
It's for my look.

It's just... people will
think it's weird if I don't...

- I can't see.
- Oh.

All right, all right.

- Sorry.
- Just keep your pants on. It's fine.

Keep it down in here, okay?
Did it mess up my hair?

It doesn't matter.
God doesn't judge.

I want Casey to like it.
I don't care about God.

Can you say that any louder?

Okay, here we go.

What is that headphones guy doing?

Oh, my God.
He's ruining the record.

- Danny, that's Moby.
- Who?

The musician.

This is the coolest party
I've ever gone to.

- It's not a party.
- Moby.

Come on.

This is great.

I love each and every
one of you. Thank you.

I'm excited for today.
I've got a big announcement.

I hope this is not about me.

I will be so embarrassed.

I hate God.

Oh, man.
We're all dead.

And here's why.
Had a long day at the office.

Got home, I was exhausted.

You know, I kick off
my dress shoes, put on my uggs.

Thank you, Moby.
Appreciate those.

What I want to do...

Watch a little game of thrones
on the DVR.

Turns out... wasn't recorded.

I look up at the big man, I
go, "what's up with that, G?"

That's why I hate God.

And I want everyone here
to say it with me.

I hate God?

She hates God.
Who else hates God?

I hate God!

No, no, no, no.
I'm not on board with this.

I hate God.

I hate God.

Okay. Okay. All right.

We all hate God,
and he hears your anger.

You know what?

God still loves you anyway.

Oh, yes, yes!

That was amazing.

Amen.

Something's been bugging me today.

Now he's talking about you.
Shh.

I see a bunch of weekend warriors.

I'm not seeing you guys
here during the week.

Guys, God is with you 24/7.

Even when you're doing
you know what.

I'm not telling you
to be some religious freak.

If I want to go to Bonnaroo
and see the black keys,

it doesn't mean
I want to go to hell.

I just want to rock!

Let God in.
He's cool.

It's actually kind of
like Bruno Mars sings.

♪ I never had much faith
in love ♪

♪ Or miracles

♪ Never been one to put

♪ My heart on the line

Are you kidding me?

♪ But swimming in your water's
something spirit-u-Al ♪

♪ I'm born again every time
you spend the ni-i-ight ♪

I'm totally gonna
nail Pastor Casey.

Just move it.
Move it or lose it, ladies.

I'm sorry. Hey, guys. Sorry,
I'm just... I'm kind of...

He's already taken, so...

Hey, Casey.
How's it going?

Give me a hug.

Whoa.

Great seeing you.

That was unbelievable.

What are you doing here?

You didn't tell me you were coming.

No, I wouldn't miss it
for the world, you know.

And, actually, I brought a friend.

- Danny, what do you doing? Come here.
- What's going on?

Can you tell Casey how much
you loved the service?

Pastor, it was... it was nice.

A little too cool for school
for me.

- Get out of here. Get out of here.
- It was nice.

I'm not gonna lie
in front of a church.

Constructive criticism.
I can't get enough.

I'm sorry about him.
His wife left him.

- God's with him.
- And I just want to tell you...

What's up?

I really would love
to see you again.

Okay.

Because this whole thing,
this guy right here... Sure.

I'm, like, just so feeling it.

Yeah. Just I don't care that
you don't have any money.

You can deal with
gross lepers all day long,

look, Mindy,
I had a great time on our date.

It was so much fun.
Me too.

Okay, it was fun.
You're cool.

And I am actually
very attracted to you

in like a really interesting
and visceral way.

Okay, I am so feeling that.

But here's the...
Here's the... here's the deal.

The driving force in my life
is selflessness.

Selfishness?

Selflessness.

And I just don't get
the sense that it's yours.

So you don't think
I'm a good person?

No, no, no.
Look, it was one date.

Just, you didn't seem
too interested

in the mission
we're working on in Haiti.

You only lit up when
I talked about meeting Wyclef.

No, when you were talking
about your email exchange

with Sean Penn, I thought
that was really interesting.

Look, I'm not saying
you're a bad person.

It's just I hold myself
to an impossibly high standard.

I don't want that to make
you feel bad about who you are.

- You know.
- Yeah.

Okay, yeah.

You just don't think
I'm a good person.

It'll take two hours
to get to the prison.

We should start loading the van.

Why are there pictures
of you in there?

Well, the women always ask.

It seems cruel and unusual
punishment to deny them.

Everyone, I am ready
to go to prison,

because I am a good person.

Actually, we should all go.

Okay, you're telling people
that are already going.

Yes, Danny,
I am preaching to the choir,

which is uniquely challenging

because often they are singing
and they cannot hear you.

- What's on your key chain?
- This is pepper spray.

So if everyone tries anything
I'll be like,

"pew, pew, pepper spray."

If you get close enough
to these maniacs

to use pepper spray,
that means you're already dead.

Hey, let's hit the road.

Wow,
volunteering just feels so good.

We haven't done anything yet.

All we did was get
breakfast sandwiches.

Mindy, you don't need to do this.

If there's an outlet mall
near the prison.

We can drop you there.

According to the billboard,
it's a real oasis of savings.

Guys, what is this crazy perception

that I am not altruistic?
It's nuts.

- And as Jesus said, if you want...
- Wait, you can't quote Jesus.

You've been to church once.
He knows what you are.

Betsy, quit squirming.

Our bones are grinding.

Pay attention, please.

Got a lot to go over

before we get to
the lady joint, all right?

I want you to remember that
these are prisoners

that have been judged as scum.

And they are desperate
people, okay?

Dr. L, I got this newsboy cap.

I want you to tuck
your hair into it.

You gotta "boy" up.

No, I'm not looking like an orphan.

Take it back.

Dr. Reed, Dr. Castellano, I
want to pull at a gas station

and show you guys in the bathroom

a step-by-step guide on
how to tape your junk down.

You don't have to do that.

Actually, you should just dress
like a woman, Dr. Reed.

Just right away to be safe.
No, Morgan.

Betsy, if you show fear,
they will literally eat you.

Other rules:

Don't volunteer
any personal information.

Dr. Lahiri...

I heard you.
To make sure...

I have created aliases
for all of us.

Dr. C, you're gonna be Edward Wong.

He is a Chinese-American
attorney in Palo Al...

Who threw it?

Who threw it?

Oh, God.

Danny, I don't know
if I can do this.

I feel really trapped in here.

It's a prison.
That's on purpose.

I do not like the way
that they are looking at me.

I can tell that
they resent my freedom.

You want to wait in the van?
I'll crack a window.

I have to do this.
I have to do this.

I like your hair.
Keep walking. Keep walking.

Those who do not follow
Morgan's rules

are doomed to repeat them.

Afternoon, everybody.
It's so good to be back.

I recognize lots of old faces.

Donna, I love your hairdo.

For those of you beginning
your "stretch,"

I'm Dr. Reed.

I brought two very competent
colleagues with me

to help take care of you,
so please,

line up where'd you like.
Thanks.

Line it up, ladies.

No, no, no, no. Ladies!

And I use that term loosely.

I want three equal lines.
Here, here, and here.

- Come on!
- Morgan. Let them choose.

They have such little choice
in their lives.

No, not only are you making
these two doctors

feel like losers...

- What?
- I don't feel like a loser.

Which they are not.

They are rich, they are hot.

They are not in jail, unlike you!

Move!
Break it up now.

Three.
One, two, three.

No, Morgan.

Now all the scary-looking ones
are coming to my line.

That woman has two wandering eyes.

Hey, guys.
Can I trade you,

because that one woman
just asked to buy my penis.

This is the worst day of my life.

She doesn't have any money.

Come forward.
Yeah, let's get...

Not for sale.

I don't want to hear
the word "penis"

come out of your mouth.

Thank you so much.
Hi. How are you?

Ow! Uck.

Okay, ma'am, I cannot
give you a breast exam

if you keep biti at my fingers.

Next.

I really appreciate you doing this.

I do not know that
I will be of much help.

I think I need a rabies shot.

Come on in.

How can I help you?

Actually, I have
an embarrassing question.

No, I will not pass
a message on to someone

on the outside.
I won't do it.

No, no.

Do you have any idea
what's been happening

on real housewives?

Oh, my God.
Are you kidding me?

Yeah, do you have three hours?

Of course you do.
You're in prison.

Susan Robinson?
What?

I mean... what?

I don't know any Susan,

and I've never even been to Tucson.
Move along.

Susan, it's me, Judith.
What gives?

Hey, you heard her, Judith.

"Hey"?
Scram, Judith.

You didn't need to do that.

I wanted to.
I liked it.

You're really nice.

Really?
Yeah, I mean, look at you.

You're a fancy doctor,
and you're taking

all this time to talk to me.

You know what?
I was saving this as a reward

for my ride home,
but I want you to have this.

Wow.

I can't remember the last time
someone gave me a present.

Um, well, I-I-I don't know

if you'd have use for this,
but do you want my pashmina?

Oh, thank you.
Yeah?

I'd give you my belt,
but I'm a little worried

you'd use it to hang yourself,
so I'm gonna hold onto that.

Do you have any old keys
I could sharpen?

Uh...

As long as you have people
like us fighting for you,

you're not forgotten.

- Take a photo.
- Okay. Thank you.

I just met the first
female casino robber.

Said she broke the glass ceiling.

I guess that's what set off
the alarm.

All right, Lizzy,
it was great meeting you.

Take care, okay?

And I'll see you when you get out.

What?

I just thought you'd spend
the whole day

hitting on the guy
in the watch tower.

No, I was too busy touching lives.

As it turns out,
I am extremely altruistic.

Great. Maybe next
you'll work on humility.

No need.

- I want candy!
- No, I dropped that!

- No. No, no.
- I gave that to Lizzy.

- Mindy, no.
- What are you doing?

Okay, everyone calm down.
Hey.

I did not give that to you!

I want it!

You're a surgeon.

You've got delicate hands.
Get out of here!

Do not enter a hot zone.

Do not enter a hot zone.
Hey, stop!

It doesn't belong to you!
Stop... stop that!

Stop it!

Stop it, I told you...

I like your hair.

Guards! Gas them!

If you ask me, these criminals
have it too easy.

I would put them in a box,
throw some scorpions in the box,

- close the box, walk away.
- It's not that bad.

I used to have hair here.

I think we all learned
a lesson today.

Even though I can
bench-press 200 pounds,

a big woman sits on my chest...

Lights out.

- Danny?
- Yeah?

I am so embarrassed.

I basically started a prison riot

so I could prove to everyone
how altruistic I am.

Yeah, you did it to impress
that Pastor Casey.

Yeah.

Isn't that the stupidest thing
you've ever heard?

No, it's not. It's okay.

Christians only do charity work
to impress God. He's a guy.

National Geographic says
that God could be a woman.

I'm trying really hard to be
benevolent right now.

Yeah. The point is,
you helped other people today.

For one second it felt good,
and now I regret it.

And I basically got scalped.

Thank God you're not back in India

where that injury
would make you unmarryable.

That, plus your age.

Ow.

- Sorry.
- Damn it!

- I'm sorry.
- Just don't make me laugh,

- and fix my face!
- Don't get riled up.

Let's review
what we learned today.

Dr. Lahiri,
I told you to tuck your hair

into a newsboy cap,
and you scoffed at me,

and now, you look like a monster.

I am sorry that I pepper-sprayed
you accidentally,

- but you tackled me!
- Yeah, lay off her.

Okay, you're one to talk.

You're shakin' your little hips
back there for all the women,

making 'em crazy.

I wasn't shaking my hips.

- Hey, Dr. Reed.
- Get off.

Hey, do you think I enjoy
taping my genitals to my leg?

- Do you think that's why I do it?
- I have no idea.

I warned you.
How do you feel right now?

- Violated.
- Violated, yes.

Hey, Dr. L.
Hey, sleepy face.

Hey, quick question.

What do you not
understand about me saying,

"do not feed the inmates"?
Was that not clear?

We've all had
a very long day, Morgan.

No. No, no, no, no, no.
Sorry, I was talking, okay?

But I guess that means
nothing to you people.

I bet if I was pregnant,
you'd be listening

to every single word I have to say.

If you were pregnant,

I think we'd all have
a lot of questions.

Oh, ha ha ha ha!

I didn't realize I was driving
Kevin Hart around in my minivan!

When it comes to prisons,
I am the gynecologist!

You're the nurses!

Okay, we... We're sorry,
and we know you're upset,

but we're very hungry, Morgan,
and maybe we could

just pull over and get
something to eat?

- Can we eat?
- Yes.

Do we deserve to eat?

No.

Rishi, when you almost die,
it really makes you think

about what's really important
to you in life.

You talking
about me or the burrito?

Why can't it be both?

Oh, God, Rishi, kill me.
It's that minister guy.

No, no, no.
Just pretend we're on a date.

- Yeah.
- Is he walking by?

- He's coming, just...
- Mindy?

What happened to you?

You don't talk to her,
all right? You talk to me.

You hurt my big sister's
feelings, and then

she went and volunteered
at a women's prison,

and they beat her up good.

Look at her face, man.
No one's gonna date her now.

She looks like Manny Pacquiao.

Are you serious?

Relax, it had
nothing to do with you.

What? Look, Mindy's
a really good person, okay?

When I was in elementary school,
I got the crap kicked out of me

until Mindy told those bullies

that she would
cut their guts out, okay?

They still call you "psycho bitch."

Does that sound like
a bad person to you?

No. Rish, I appreciate
what you're trying to do,

but please don't defend me.
You make me sound crazy.

So who are these cute kids?

Oh, this is Jean-Jean
and Jean-Pierre.

Bonjour.

They're my little brothers
from Haiti,

and I'm about to go school 'em

in some laser tag.
Isn't that right, boys?

- Oui, monsieur Casey.
- They're great kids.

- How dare you.
- What?

We get it.
You're perfect.

You're tall, you're handsome,

you have two adorable children
from a terrible country,

and you're taking care of them.

It's a beautiful country
in terrible circumstances.

Okay, cool. You always
correct me when I sound racist.

I don't correct you,
and you didn't sound racist.

And yeah, we're lame, we're Hindu,

we used a groupon for burritos,

but you know what, that's
our lot in life and we love it,

so why don't you just
leave the Lahiris alone,

and, uh, to burrito time.

Boom.

Hey.

I'm sorry.

I know why you're mad at me.

The way I talked you
after church the other day

was not appropriate.

It's just, I was comin' offstage,

and it can be tough to come down
and not be so... full of myself.

I bet it's hard to come down
from something like that.

I shouldn't have judged you.

I'm price conscious too,
and burritos can be expensive.

- Are you done?
- Are you done?

Yeah, I'm Casey, by the way.

Hi. Rishi.

- Rapper.
- Scientist.

It's good to see you.

Kind of a crazy coincidence
running into you.

But if God's taught me anything,

it's that there are
no coincidences.

You guys ready to go?

Allons-y, les enfants.

Oui, monsieur Casey!

You started loving Jesus
for that guy?

He's not 100% bad.
He's just... mostly terrible.

We gotta get you
on a dating website

or something.

And those aren't his real brothers.

I hope you know that.

I mean, can you believe that guy?

I cannot.

He is the worst.

I will not be seeing him again.