The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 18 - Danny's Friend - full transcript

36.

37.

Come on, Dr. C!

38!

38!
That's a new record.

See that?
Yeah, I have eyes.

I'd watch that every day
like the news.

- Are we doing hoisties?
- Oh, yeah.

38! 39!

That's enough.
I've got work to do.

- Dr. Reed won the pull-up contest.
- No, no, no, not so fast.



Your form was complete...
His form was completely off.

- He won.
- Get ready.

Two-time Otisville champion
right here.

Hey, pay attention.
Pay attention to me.

There you go.

Oh!

What was that?

Oh, God.

That was a cough! I coughed!

That was not a cough.

thank you for making me
breakfast again, Mindy.

This is way better
than the French toast

they make at school.

- They give you breakfast at school?
- Mm-hmm.



God, why are teachers
complaining all the time?

Hi, is Mindy Lahiri here?

It smells so good in here.

Heather?

I said I was sorry!
Eat a pretzel!

Hey, I know we haven't
gotten to talk

since our kerfuffle
at your Christmas party.

Oh, Heather Heather.

Well, I have been busy recovering

from the worst night of my life

and working and running errands.

Of course you have,

but you should know that I
never blamed you for anything.

Yeah, why would you?
It's totally not my fault.

No, it wasn't.
It was all Josh's fault.

Did you know he was also dating

a t-shirt cannon girl from Orlando?

- What?
- Josh...

Hate the guy, hate the name.

Even Josh Groban,
and I love his music.

I'm with you.

Okay, no bonding, no bonding.

I'm sorry.

I baked this humble pie
in the fervent hope

that we could be friends.

It's razzleberry, actually,

but I was very humble throughout
the whole baking process.

If you could just find it
in your heart

to forgive the likes of me.

Okay, that's enough.
You're not a serf.

Just stand up.

Also, just so you know,

I put in an application
to rent in this building.

I realize it's weird...

But it's a great building,

and it's really close to my job,

so I just wanted your blessing.

Oh, you don't need my blessing.

It's a free country,
so, yeah, rent away.

Thank you so much.

You will definitely be getting
a thank-you pie.

Those tend to be pecan.
Oh, I love pecan.

Stop it.
You have friends already.

Bye, Heather!
Have a great day.

Maggie, you are such a friend slut!

What is the matter with you?
Relax!

Do not eat that.

That could be like one of
those pies from the help!

But I've always wanted
to try razzleberries!

I think that's a poop pie.

There's not any poop in that pie!

I cannot be the victim

of a single white female
situation right now.

I have too much going on.

You said that it was cool
if she moved in here.

Yeah, that's what I said,

but what I felt in my heart
was quite different.

You know what?
Doesn't matter.

I am just going
to handle this situation

the way that
any reasonable person would.

Do we really want
a non-recycling, homophobic,

female pervert residing
in our illustrious building,

a building that once housed
senator Chuck Schumer's sister?

Please reject
this application immediately.

Signed, um, anonymous.

Mindy, I've been examining
the company's prescription logs,

and I think I found evidence of...

Prescription fraud.

Prescription fraud?

Yes, Mindy...

Prescription fraud.

Okay, stop doing that.
It's taking too long.

It's Danny.

He's been prescribing himself

some very powerful pain medication.

Oh, my God,
I guess it kind of makes sense,

the secretiveness, the sweating.

He loves the doors,
which I don't understand.

Is Danny...

A drug addict?

See, the pause really helps.

There's
a maniac attacking Betsy.

Danny, please hurry.
Hurry, Danny.

Please, we need you.

What's going on?

Hey, buddy.
You okay, Betsy?

What is this music?

This is the closest thing
I had to music

that you would like, Danny,

and I wanted you
to feel comfortable.

Danny, we're worried about you.

You're worried about me?

I'm, like, the only normal thing
that's happening right now.

Look, we all know
that you're a drug addict

because of
your troubled personal life

and your broken home,
but guess what.

When you go to rehab,
we have all decided

that we will lie and say

that you're getting
plastic surgery.

Which everybody will believe.

Guys, I'm not a drug addict, okay?

And who serves wine
at an intervention?

Doc, you do what you want.

That's what my dad said
till the day he overdosed.

Your crippling addiction
has made you really weird,

moody, secretive...
Please take one of these...

And for the record, it makes it

so that you can't keep up
with normal TV shows.

Okay, yeah,
this isn't happening, okay?

Classic junkie jive.

We're never gonna get
through to him.

I told you to cover the cheese.

Okay, I know
what's going on with Dr. C...

- And it's big.
- Mm.

Ugh, Morgan.

Rockaway beach
in the late winter...

There's a layer of fresh dirt
on the snow,

Captain's is still serving their
spicy mardi gras shrimp basket,

five or six big, crispy shrimp,

a platter of fries,

and some creamy Cole slaw
to cool down some of that spice.

Oh, God, Morgan.
Please edit.

Pl... Morgan. Danny's thing.
Okay, I'm sorry.

I was just getting excited.

I got back to my house
late one night,

and then I realized that I had left

one of the phlebotomy trays open.

I came back to work, and I found

Dr. Castellano with some guy.

Now, at first I thought
it was just him showing around

one of his friends at the office
late at night

like I do sometimes...

You what?

But I got a good look at this guy.

He was really rough-looking,
and he was beat up pretty bad.

What's up, Terry?
How are you doing, brother?

- Focus, Morgan.
- Okay, okay. I crept forward.

What happened this time?

I was in a place
I shouldn't have been in.

I ran into a couple guys
that didn't wanna see me.

Give me some pills?
Yeah.

Oh, my God!

Danny is treating criminals
out of our office late at night.

Yeah, and get this.
Okay.

I leave.
I walk for maybe 25 minutes.

I see an old doughnut shop.

- What about the criminal?
- What?

The guy in the story...
Danny... the guy...

Not involved.
Right, so I got...

Okay, story's over.
You did good, Morgan.

Okay, well, the story wasn't over.

Continue.
What'd you do?

Did you guys come here to tell me

that I'm addicted to corn muffins?

Danny, we are very relieved
that you are not a drug addict.

However, Morgan saw you
late the other night

stitching up a mafia hit man.

I knew I smelled
Michael Jordan cologne.

He's not a mafia hit man.

Danny, are you in danger?

- More importantly, am I in danger?
- No.

Danny, am I going to have to go
into Witness Protection?

- I won't do it.
- I will not move to St. Paul

and start over again
as a travel agent.

That is a dying industry.

Okay, just because Stevie's
Italian-American

makes him a mobster?

You know, guys, that's racist,

so if you'll both excuse me.

You know what?

I am so sick of Italian people

claiming to be offended
by mob stuff.

You obviously all love it!

No, we don't.

Yes, you do.
Hey, who's Stevie?

Stevie's my friend from staten.

We grew up together, okay?

He gets into trouble sometimes,

and the hospital
can bring in the cops.

Well, I'm sorry
to hear that sad tale,

but you can't give drugs

to your shady, towny
drug addict friend.

Okay, easy, okay?
He's like family to me.

Danny, we could get
shut down, okay?

Remember shapiro and Lopez
got shut down

for prescribing uppers
to pageant girls.

Fine, guys.
I'll talk to Stevie.

And, Danny,
since you're not a drug addict,

it would be great if you could pay

for your share of the intervention!

I don't know, D.
This place feels too fancy.

Stevie, I wanted to talk to you

about the treatment
I've been giving you.

Oh, yeah, listen.

Teach me to scalp maroon 5 tickets

on another guy's turf.

Some of the doctors at the practice

aren't too crazy
about our arrangement,

Stevie.

Which one?
The Indian girl? English?

Just tell them we go way back.

They're concerned
from a legal aspect.

- The law?
- Yeah.

Taxpayers are bailing out
these bank whatevers,

and they're worried
about one best friend

giving another best friend
some little pills?

Okay, calm down.
Look at me, okay?

Forget I even said it.
No big deal.

I just don't like the way
that these other doctors

are pushing you around.

It's like the Gargano brothers
used to.

You okay?

I could really use
a refill on the Vic.

Shoulder's still giving me hell.

Will you just give me
the Vic, please?

- Please?
- Yeah.

I'll get you some more.

Hey, thanks, dude.
That really means a lot.

And, listen, don't worry
about those other doctors.

Can I get a little crushed red
on this cardboard?

Well, you know,
they feel kind of weird,

but then again, I run weird,
so maybe that's normal?

Yeah, okay.

Your form is...
Damn.

Okay, that is enough.

I have signed up for, like,
three 10ks, I'll have you know.

Just please get me these
in, like, pink?

Yeah.

- Hey, there.
- Hello.

Good job walking
in that straight line.

Thank you.
Can I help you?

You're one of those ritzy doctors

- that works over at Shulman and associates?
- I am.

You must think you're so great,

strutting around
in your fancy clothes.

No, I don't.

Probably spent a fortune on shampoo

on account of your shiny hair.

Thank you, I do spend

a fortune on my shampoo
and conditioner.

Hmm.

What, do you want me

to put your shoe on
for you, Cinderella?

Okay.

Okay, I'll do that.

Wow, you got real wide feet.

Thank you.
I almost never fall down.

You know, I'm like 0 for 100
with this one,

but do you wanna go get
some ice cream?

I met this really
charming guy yesterday.

We had an impromptu date,
and we made out like crazy.

It's kind of funny, actually,

because he's not
the kind of type of guy

that I usually go for.

- Metrosexual cheese balls?
- Hey.

- Wanna see a picture?
- Yep.

- Let's get a look at this guy.
- Mm-hmm.

Right?

No. Dr. C? Dr. C?
Yeah.

Dr. C, you should see this guy.

No interest whatsoever.

No, no, no, this guy is a hot hunk.

Look. Look at him.
Doesn't he look like he's...

Look at him.
Look at this guy.

Wow.

You went on a date with that guy?

Mm-hmm, and next weekend,

we're going to his little
cousin's first communion.

He told me to bring a cash gift.

Tickets, tickets,
who needs tickets?

Princesses on ice.

Snow white, belle, the Chinese one.

Hey.
Hey, little D!

Hey, you know any little girls
who wanna see some capades?

Stevie, I need to talk to you
about something.

Did you ask my co-worker out?

Well, you told me she was
giving you some trouble...

Yo!

So I went down to talk
some sense into her.

Next thing I know, we're
debating nuts versus sprinkles.

I got tickets.
I got quality tickets.

Stevie, you gotta end it.

Hell, no.

Could you imagine me with
a little lady doctor friend?

I wouldn't have to ask you
for pills no more.

Ariel...
Busting out of her shells.

Okay, okay, Stevie.

You want it? All right.
Sure.

You gotta listen to me.
I need you to listen to me.

I gotta go, I gotta go.
I got a guy.

Ste... you gonna end it with her?

- I gotta go.
- Ste...

- 200.
- Nope.

All right, give me 75.

- Here you go.
- Yeah.

You can't go out with this guy.

Look, Danny, I get that you're
obsessed with my love life,

but I'm doing work now.

You can't go out with this guy

'cause he's Stevie.

Stevie is Stephen?

My Stephen?
Steven.

Stephen.

I grew up with him.
It's Steven.

I made out with him.
It's... okay.

You're probably right, yeah.
It doesn't matter.

The point is he only approached you,
so he can intimidate you

- and get you to back off.
- Oh, God.

Danny, I let him grab my ass
at the ice cream store.

Are you kidding me?

I taught him that move.

We are dealing
with a real psychopath here.

I mean, you cut him off,

and the first thing
he decides to do

is go and seduce your co-worker?

We have to call the police.

Okay, wait, no.
Hold on a second.

One second, one second,
'cause I haven't...

Give me that.

I haven't officially,

technically cut him off yet.

I'm sorry, what were you doing

when you told us that you
were gonna go cut him off?

We were eating pizza,

and it just...

The ambience of the place,
it just wasn't right.

Oh, the ambience
in the restaurant wasn't right?

- No.
- It wasn't exactly the right moment

to tell your friend
that you can't give him

illegal drugs anymore?

Damn it, Danny.
What are you doing?

You did not have the guts
to be direct with your friend,

so now, I have to go
take care of it.

Where are you going?

I'm going to staten island.

Now? Wait a minute.
Mindy.

Morgan has to come too?

I have never been to staten island,

and I intend on returning alive.

All right... whoa, whoa.

Can you not change in front of me?

Can you not look at me

when I'm changing?
I'm... I'm...

I got it.

- Heather, hi.
- Oh, hey. I know you.

You're the guy
from the Christmas party.

Yes, and my texts.

I noticed you changed your number.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Come in.
- Thanks.

How you doin'?

- Oh.
- Hey.

Hey, Mindy.

I baked you
this "new neighbor" cake,

but events
have rendered it obsolete.

- I didn't get the apartment.
- Oh, no.

Yeah. It's weird.
I had the apartment, and then suddenly,

they were like, "so long."

No explanation?

It's like they didn't have the guts

to be direct with you.

Some people.

Well, Danny, apartments
and illegal narcotics

are very different things.

Well, that's true.

Listen up, copper top.

As long as I'm alive,

you will have a roof
over your head.

Look at that,
the kindness of strangers.

Yes, this building didn't work out,

but there's plenty
of great places in Manhattan.

Actually, my mom wants me
to move back to Delaware,

which might not be such a bad idea.

You know, she has basic cable.

Well, some channels.

It's the smallest package.

But thanks for everything.

Yeah, of course.
I'm gonna go finish changing.

Oh, no, you're not.
You should go talk to her.

Just tell her the truth.
I...

Hold on one second.
She has something to tell you.

I have a confession
to make to you, Heather.

I sent an anonymous letter
to the board

saying that you are
a terrible person,

and that is why
your application was rejected.

But I baked you a pie.

Yeah, and I kicked it,

and then I ate it.

You stole my apartment

like you stole my boyfriend!

Okay, relax.
Everyone, relax.

Whoa!

He was our boyfriend!

Oh, my God! Oh, God!

Get her in the shower!
Get her in the shower!

Cool it, mama!
Cool it, mama!

All right.

Marty, it was I who wrote

that anonymous letter
about Heather.

I was angry at her 'cause
we were dating the same guy.

Hey, hey, hey, young man.
I apologize.

I just wanted to see
what it felt like

with him flapping around
in my shirt.

- I'm sorry.
- Sorry.

I apologize, sir.

I'm sorry, but I'm still not sure

you're the right fit.

I mean, the fight,
you're wet for some reason...

Well, they just threw me
in the shower to calm me down.

It's okay.
I have a really bad temper.

My psychiatrist blames it
on my red hair.

No, wait, Marty.

I know that you were looking
for the perfect tenant,

but a perfect tenant
just doesn't exist.

There's just people
who pretend to be normal

until we approve their application,

and then they move in.

That's so true.

The cute, old lady
in the apartment above me...

Mummified husband, 15 years.

Okay, Heather would be
a much better tenant than me.

Marty, it's time
you learned the truth.

I am the person that has been
taking people's laundry

out of the dryer
the second it beeps.

Wait, you're the dryer bandit?

Yeah.

Well, I suppose
I have a few more birds

than the department of health
would recommend,

so all right, Heather.

I'll give your application
another look-over.

Uh, Danny?

I think you and I
have a ferry to catch.

I'm not going to staten
looking like this.

Excuse me, sir.

There's no way they could dress
me like Cinderella, right?

No, it's not possible.
No. Yeah, not possible.

That's in the cartoon.

Yeah, yeah.

Danny, the statue of liberty,

she's, like, legit hot.
Danny?

- Hey, Danny, you're a guy.
- Hmm?

- Statue of liberty.
- All right.

Kinda looks like Tilda Swinton.

I never wanted to be that guy

who makes it
and forgets where he came from.

You're definitely not that guy.

You're constantly telling us
about staten island.

I know so much
about the Verrazano bridge.

We used to make fun
of the guys who left.

"Too good for the island guys"
is what we'd call 'em.

Oh, my God.
It's not that creative.

Yeah, I don't want
that title, okay?

Ugh.
Morgan, get off of me!

You're supposed to be my bodyguard.

I can't get my sea legs.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna lay down.

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have brought him.
You were right.

I can't believe
I couldn't handle Stevie.

Don't be so hard on yourself.
You know what?

If you guys had not been
in my apartment today,

there is no way that I
would've told Heather the truth.

It's hard.
It's hard to do the right thing.

That's why it's good
to have people around you.

They kind of force you to do it.

Thanks, min.

Min? Min?

You think Stevie's
gonna be okay with this?

He'll be okay with this.
Yes!

You're such a drama queen.

Just stop getting upset about this.

I'm not upset.
I was just wondering.

Yes, he's gonna be fine.

He'll be fine, yeah.
He loves you.

Just tell him the truth,
and he'll understand.

Disloyal son of a bitch.

You cut your best friend off

from pain pills when he needs them?

Okay, Stevie,
let's just talk this out.

Yes, and do you have anything
to say to me, Steven?

I'm sorry that I lied
to you, sweetheart,

but that hand on your ass,
that was real.

For the record, you stole my move.

You wish it was your move.

You stole it.
Get over here, so I can...

Come here!

- Stevie!
- No!

Bring in my sun tea,
will you, please?

Mrs. G!

Danny Castellano,
is that really you?

I haven't seen you in years!

How are you, sweetheart?
We have to get out of here.

Yeah, they gotta go, ma.
Wait a minute!

I know who you are.

You're Stevie's
new African-American girlfriend.

Oh, how nice to meet you.

Please, come in, everybody,

even the barfing giant back there.

You stay.
Come on, the basement's awesome.

You guys go in.
Sea legs are not coming back.

You know,
Stevie's really keen on you.

Maybe you have
a little sicilian in you?

No, no, she's just my colleague,
Mrs. Guaranci...

Aw, isn't that nice,

Danny setting up his old friend.

Listen, tell me
all about yourself, now, Danny.

Oh,
I'll tell you all about him, ma.

He's a big shot doctor

who dresses like church every day

and eats fancy pizza.

All right, enough with the pizza.

Enough with your face!

You know what I think
would be really fun?

Mrs. Gu...
Stevie's mom,

is if you were to show me
some photos of little Stevie.

You know, from growing up.

Oh, you wanna see
what your babies will look like.

- Mm-hmm.
- Come on.

What are you... what... no.
Ma, where you going?

Take care of this,
so we can get off

this godforsaken island.

This wasn't a good idea.
We...

We hangin' later?
Oh, God.

What?

Enough with her, all right, Stevie?

You know what?
You're a disloyal bag of trash.

No, you know what?
You're too good for a bag.

You're just a piece of trash
lying there all disorganized.

I want you out of my house!

Now, here's
Stevie's little league team.

They were "all borough" champs
that year.

Oh, my God, is that Danny?
He was enormous.

His mother used to cry
to make him stop eating,

but he would just
keep shoveling it in.

Yeah, I can see that.

I'm just gonna take
a quick snapshot of that.

What are you doing, Stevie?

There's your shoe box full
of baseball cards you gave me.

Or do you collect, like,
croquet cards now or something?

Okay, yeah, that's funny.
That's enough.

We can take this outside
if you want, little D.

I'm not gonna fight a guy
that spent three days in jail

for stealing underwear!

You know I can't afford silkies,
you "too good for the island" guy!

What'd you call me?
You heard me.

Too good for the island?
Too good!

I'm outta here.
Hey.

- Hey!
- What?

All right, come on, don't pinch!

You're pinching me.
You're pinching.

You're pinching me!

Come on!

Yeah, you're goin' up!
Airplane!

- Yeah.
- No!

You're not too fancy
when you got your legs up

- in the air, are you?
- Come on.

I'm gonna kill you, Stevie!
Come on. Put me down!

No!
Enough, Stevie!

Oh, God!

Okay, Stevie, Stevie.
Oh, God.

My ma's St. Marie Ignatius
de La Paz collector's plate.

It's the patron saint of redheads.

I'm sorry, Stevie.

Ah, it's all right.
I stole it anyway.

No, no, no, look at me.

I'm sorry about all of this.

When you showed up all banged up,

it was nice, like the old days.

I was just nervous for you
to see me in my new life.

Why were you nervous?

I was proud of you, little D.

- You were?
- Yeah.

A guy from the neighborhood
makes it out of here,

goes to Manhattan
in a big, fancy doctor's office

with desks...
With chairs.

How can he be so fat and so angry?

It's adorable.

Well, my sea sickness is gone.

Picture of a boat.
It's back.

- Mm.
- I can get you some milk of magnesia.

Which reminds me,

I didn't take my pills!

Oh, could you hand me that?
Mm-hmm.

Wait a second.

Are you taking these anticoagulants

and anti-inflammatories
in the same day?

Yeah.

Are you getting
terrible indigestion?

Oh, terrible!

I can barely get down
my afternoon hydrox.

Aw, this is a mess.

These blue guys, these are expired.

- This right here... benazepril, okay?
- Yeah.

You're taking two a day.

- I want you to take half of one a day.
- Okay.

I think these are nerds.

They're very tasty.
They're sweet and sour.

You're gonna tell me about nerds?

It's only my favorite food.

Don't keep it in your medicine.

I want you to put it in a bag,
keep it in your freezer.

It could literally keep
for five years.

Jose Canseco.
Mm-hmm.

Darryl strawberry.
Mm-hmm.

I'll give you all the guys
that went to jail.

These two just sorted out
my whole pill box for me.

Are you guys okay?

We're good.

And, you, I believe
you owe me some payment

in the form of ice cream.

Neapolitan or chocolate chip?

As long as it's not sherbert.

You know, Stevie,

why don't we sign up your ma
for an appointment?

That way, we could start
to take care of her,

and stuff like this
wouldn't happen again.

That's great, and it's not illegal.

Yeah, okay.
My oldest friend,

my girlfriend taking care of my ma?

Sounds great.

So what do you think?
I'm sorry, what... what...

Think we can make this work?

Basement's real toasty.

Ma can't hear anything
from upstairs.

Like, anything.

Oh, God.
Stevie, no.

Yeah, I get it.

Ma!
Me and Mindy broke up!

I cheated on her!
What?

I'll miss this.

Hey.

Proud of you, little D.

All right.
Should we go?

Yeah, little D,

or should I call you
"little chubster"?

Oh, no.

Mm-hmm, little chubster.

Okay, no, don't do this.

Danny, it behooves me
to tell everyone I know

that you were the fattest kid
anyone has ever seen.

Please, don't tell anybody.

It's kind of endearing.

No, it's not.

By the way, very cool.

You dated a lot
of puerto rican girls,

which I thought
was pretty progressive

given that it was the 1960s.

It was the '90s!

Mm.

Sherbert is not ice cream.

I just want to make that clear.

Go to bed.