The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 17 - Mindy's Birthday - full transcript

Simone, I love my fedora.
Thank you so much.

I wrote your name in rhinestones
until I ran out.

Well, I will cherish it.

Now, little Tambert is doing great.

However, I have some concerns
regarding your health,

which may risk
affecting the pregnancy.

Chief among them

being your...

Just you're a little bit...

Just one second.

Mindy.



Ooh, cool hat.
I need your help.

I need you to tell
my favorite patient she's fat.

What? No.

Please, I can't tell her.

She loves me.
It would break her.

All right.

Dr. Lahiri, how dare you.

I think she looks gorgeous
the way she is.

But, what, she needs
to lose weight now?

Okay, relax.

Okay, yes,
you could lose some weight.

- I'm sorry.
- Lose weight while I'm pregnant?

I've never heard
of anything so crazy.

I know, but certain
complications can arise when...



You lose weight.
Excuse me?

You heard me.

You're no Keira Knightley.

First of all, I am not overweight.

I fluctuate between
chubby and curvy.

Second of all, I am not
the pregnant one here.

You're not?
I coulda sworn.

I coulda sworn that you were a bouncer
at an Orlando strip club,

but I kept that to myself.

Okay, okay,
I think we're losing track

of the issue here, okay?

Which is that you are a gorgeous,

rubenesque plum,

and if it was up to me,
you'd gain weight.

- No, no, no, no.
- And you would love it, wouldn't you, Jimmy?

If you do not lose weight, Simone,

your baby will be put at risk.

I... I hate this.

I think you are perfect,
but, I don't know,

maybe there's some validity
to what this woman is saying.

I know this is gonna be tough,

but we should listen to Dr. Reed.

Actually, it was me who...

You're right, Dr. Reed.

You and me, we both
gotta face the facts

and lose some weight.

No, I'm not in this...

It's for our health.

Yeah, okay.

It's a brave step, Mindy.

Get off of me.
Okay.

[Upbeat music]

♪

hey, little bro.

Hey, happy birth-dizzle.

- Yeah.
- [Beatboxing] Happy Birthday.

[Beatboxing]

You're amazing.

Rish, that was
an incredible birthday song.

Play it for mom and dad.

So how are you celebrating?

I am actually spending my birthday

going on a blind date.

What happened to the midwife dude

that you were getting weird with?

Oh, Brendan?
He's dead, yeah.

He got hit by a bus.

Sick!

I am going on a date
with a sophisticated gentleman

that I met on the Internet.

He looks exactly like Topher Grace.

Huh?

Topher Grace from that '70s show.

How am I supposed to remember
a show from the '70s, dude?

I was born in 1991.

Ugh, okay.
Rishi, I gotta go.

I'm here, okay?
Bye, love you.

Be safe!
Make good choices!

(All) Surprise!

No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.

You can't be here,
you can't be here,

'cause I'm going on a first date,

a blind date with a really
promising cute guy who looks...

A little bit like Topher Grace?

Oh!

You're Zach peabody?

Born in Evansville, Illinois, 1977.

6'1", 185 pounds.

Fiscally conservative,
social liberal.

Morgan, you set up a fake
profile account on Facebook

and then asked me out on it?

It was all a ruse.

Sorry, we didn't know about
the whole fake date thing.

But it got you here.

Guys, I just, I really didn't
want a birthday party this year.

Happy Birthday, miss Mindy.

Olga, my housekeeper.

I was in charge of the guest list,

and so I had Morgan
blast your contacts.

Oh, my God.

Is that my plumber?

And my old plumber?

That's gonna be awkward.

I don't even know who that guy is.

(Morgan) That is
the gentleman you rear-ended

in the Hamptons last summer,

Mike accident.

Dr. Lahiri, I am loving
Chinese food.

Yeah, I'm having
a great time too, Betsy.

I didn't meet a cute guy
or anything,

but my handyman did give me
an earful about Obama.

Hey, you're Mindy's friend, right?

I'm Danny.

Oh, hey, I'm Alex.

Alex.

That's usually a guy's name, right?

Not... no?
No, it's not.

I'm... look, I mean, it fits you.

- I'm not saying you're manish or anything...
- Excuse me?

I think the word
Danny is searching for

is statuesque.

Where has Mindy been hiding you?

I'm out of the country a lot.

- Wow, traveling's really cool.
- It's America's loss.

[Chuckles]

I'm Dr. Jeremy Reed,

and you are gorgeous.

I'm a doctor too, so...

Well, it's nice meeting you both.

- Doctors.
- Great.

As a courtesy, Danny,
I should let you know

that I'm interested in Alex,

so maybe back off.

So because you're interested,

it means I can't be interested?

No, you can be interested.

Just don't want you
to waste your time.

Okay, we'll see.

We will see.
[Light slap]

[Hard slap]

- Did that hurt?
- No.

- [Hard slap] Ugh.
- Did that hurt?

No.

(Morgan) I think it's time
for the presents!

Gwen, get it started.

Oh, a book.

Microwave cooking for one.

Ohh.

That's perfect for you.

You have no idea how to cook,
and you're single.

That's a great gift, Gwen.

What?
What's that look?

Oh, man, I wish I had a microwave.

Now we have parker the intern.

Ooh-ooh.

[Overlapping chatter] Smoke alarm.

A life-size body pillow
of a shirtless Chris Evans.

I silk-screened it myself
'cause you're always saying,

"oh, I don't ever have
any boyfriends,

so nobody can ever
cuddle me at night."

So I made this guy for you.

I'm not always saying that.

Yeah, you say it, like,

once or twice a day for sure.

Wow, very thoughtful.

I think that was the last gift.

So thank you, guys,
this was really cool.

No, no, wait!
Hold on, Mindy.

There's one more surprise tonight.

Because we all care
about you so much,

we decided to chip in
and get you one last present.

- Ooh.
- So...

(Mindy) Come on,
an elliptical machine?

You keep saying that you never
have time to go to the gym,

so now the gym can come to you.

No more excuses, missy!

I think I'm going
to call it a night.

Mindy, no, you can't leave.
Everybody came here for you.

Yeah, but I didn't want them to.

Oh, boy.

You have something to say, Danny?

It's just that I always tell you

that birthday celebrations
are the worst.

Well, I guess you were right.
Congratulations.

I don't want to be right.
I hate that I'm right.

You do?
You hate it?

There's not, like,

some tiny little part of you

that feels, like, really
vindicated about all this?

A tiny bit vindicated.

Mindy, Mindy.

What are you doing?
Stop!

You're getting me with the zipper!

Mindy, everyone here is having fun.

Well, then I apologize,

because my idea of fun

is not receiving a ton of gifts

that remind you how lame you are.

This hurts, guys.

It's a sad day for me

when the most thoughtful
present that I received

was a swatch watch
from Mike accident.

So thank you, Mike.
The rest of you,

see you guys later.
Have a great life.

Whoa, whoa, Dr. "L"!
[Gong sounds]

Ow!
Who put that gong there?

(Mindy) I love chain restaurants.

The booths are deep.
The menus are comprehensive.

Did you know that this restaurant

has its own framed bill of rights?

I have the right

to life, liberty,
and chicken wings.

The women's room says "foxes."

The men's room says "hounds." What?

It's so creative.

This place is amazing.
I feel at home.

Wow, don't let me forget

to have you fill out
a comment card.

[Laughs] That's hilarious.

Thanks.

You look like Thor.

Okay, so what can I get you?

Well, I thought
I would order myself

a birthday sundae,

which I am happy to pay for.

Actually, if it's your birthday,

the sundae's on the house.

What?

Okay, well, if that's
the company policy,

who am I to stand in the way
of a free sundae?

Thanks, man.

Yes.

You had to have her party

at a Chinese restaurant,
didn't you, Gwen?

You know that Mindy
doesn't trust anywhere

where you have to ask for a fork.

Okay, Mindy's not answering

her home, work, or her cell.

And I'm still waiting
for confirmation

from that fax I sent.

Mrs. Chen, anytime.

B-i-r-t-h-d-a-y, let's go.

♪ It is your birthday

♪ You're one year older

♪ Here with your friends

whoa, stop.
Where are your friends?

Should we come back?

Is that really a lyric in the song?
"Where are your friends"?

Ugh, get outta here.

And one strawberry
cheesecake daiquiri.

Hey, it's my birthday too.

That's so random.
Are you here by yourself?

No, I'm gonna be joined
by my cool friends.

Well, in the meantime do you
wanna come sit with us?

To what end?

For fun?

This isn't, like, a mean prank?

No.

Okay.

Okay, great.
Yeah, we're right over here.

Thor, transfer my check
to that table, please.

I think I'm gonna go look for her.

No, Alex, don't worry.
I'm sure she's fine.

I wish I could share
your cavalier attitude, Danny.

Mindy's my friend, damn it.

Everyone, I have an idea.

Mindy once mentioned
this charming creperie

she frequents
when she's feeling blue.

She's always confiding in me.

I guess it's one of the curses

of being a good listener.

Well, I guess
we might as well check?

I'm so glad you're here, Jeremy.

Yeah, me too.
Me too.

You know what, guys.

Maybe I should come too,

'cause I know Mindy.

But more than that,

I know this city.

I breathe this city.

So how do you guys know each other?

Oh, we were in the same
sorority at Rutgers.

(All) Whama! Bama! Delta gamma!

And get this,

they pitched in and bought me

a friends trip for my birthday.

We're gonna go see Taylor Swift
in Virginia beach.

This is, like, the best
group of friends ever.

You're supportive of each other.

You wear cool sashes
so people know what's up.

I mean, you look like a sexy mayor.

You must have cool friends.

You're an awesome doctor

who has three clothes closets.

Five if you count work.

And all by the age of,

what, are you, like, 28?

Mm-hmm, I'm 28.

No, my friends,

they just use me
for free birth control,

and they criticize me
for being chubby.

[Gasps]

- You, chubby?
- No!

Maybe I am chubby if
my own friends call me chubby.

(All) No.

That is inaccurate
and also offensive,

and irresponsible, and anti-woman.

- That's crazy.
- Yeah, you're gorgeous.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

So, Alex, I grew up
in the tri-state area.

Did you grow up in any
particular cluster of states?

Oh, Danny.

Good evening.
May I help you?

[Speaking french]

You gotta be kidding me.

This is her.

She looks different
when she's awake.

(Clerk) No.
(Jeremy) C'est dommage.

(Alex) Tu parle francais?

- Et toi aussi?
- Oui.

I'll tell you right now,
Mindy's never come here.

She likes a thick bread.

And all I wanted to do
was increase by breast size.

And for the record
I was going to go from A's

to tasteful C's,

and my friends wouldn't let me.

- It's your body.
- Thank you, Megyn.

It's Bryan, guys.

Mmm, Bryan with a "y" or an "i"?

- "Y".
- The hot kind.

Ooh, he's slammed at work
and can't make it.

Tash, stockbrokers,

they work all the time
on Saturday nights.

Their hours are crazy.

I bet he'll take you out tomorrow.

Yeah.

Whoa, he's a stockbroker who's
"working" on a Saturday night?

He's slammed.
He texted.

Where is he texting you from
on a Saturday night,

hooker island?

Where he's engaging in some
leisure activities?

What?

We have to face the facts here.

Bryan kinda sounds like
a grade "a" sketchball.

Ah, take it back.
Excuse me?

Sorry, I said it.
Someone had to say it.

You're wrong,
and you're not my friend.

Okay, well,
neither are these three.

[Gasps] What?
Shut up, weird alone lady!

You did not...

- Okay, that's enough, sugar.
- Oh, my God!

You get your bony asses
out of here!

Oh, my God.

Thank you so much for saving me
from those psycho...

Beverly?

You work here?

Well, look what the cat puked up.

(Beverly) Ah, money's tight,

so I been moonlighting
as a busboy... no big whoop.

So you were saying they bought
you a eucalyptical machine?

♪

Eulyptical machine.

It's basically like

a weight loss exercise machine.

Whatever.
Kind of a lecture

in the form of a gift,
if you ask me.

Oh, don't listen to them.

You're fine just the way you are.

Built real sturdy for sex.

Thank you.
I never fall off the bed.

Ugh.

I'm dreading seeing them
again though at work.

Oh, who gives a crap what those
other schmendricks think?

Look, I didn't never really
like you all that much.

Okay.

But you're smart, you're tough,

and you got class
and sophistication

coming out of your stinker, kitten.

Thank you, Beverly.

Hey, my shift's over.
Wanna go get a drink?

Okay.

Maybe Mindy finally got a policeman

to let her ride his horse.

Is there a Liam Neeson
revenge movie out?

If so, she's there.

(Morgan) So I say, "it's my money.

I'll put whatever I want
in the calzone."

He's like, "get out."
And they called the cops.

Yo, you're not even listening
to this story.

It's crazy.
I'm listening.

[Alex giggles]

What, do you like this girl?

- No.
- Yeah, you do.

You're gonna let Dr. Reed take her?

Are you kidding me?

I mean, look at the guy.

This is what he does.
I can't compete.

So this is just like me

and cousin Lou
and grandma right here.

Okay, cousin Lou has always
been the apple of grandma's eye

because he's got that great hair

and that awesome handshake.

So I'm the one that has to,
you know,

carry her up the stairs
and moisturize her knees.

But it works out.

'Cause guess who lives
with grandma.

- You do.
- Yeah.

That's your grandma.

Go get your grandma.
Go.

[Whispering] Go, go, go, go, go.

Hey.

Hey.

- Are you warm enough tonight?
- I am. Thank you.

She's fine.

She's fine.

So do you ski in whistler?

I don't ski.
It's a great location.

I know a great
pizza place around here.

New York pizza's the best.

Yeah, I don't know where
the best pizza is anymore.

- Aah!
- Oh, my God!

Danny, are you okay?
Danny, are you okay?

[Danny groans] Oh, my God!

I wonder why they call this a 40.

'Cause it's 40 ounces
of malt liquor, dummy.

That is pretty dumb.

Beverly, hanging out with you

kinda makes you forget

that I just ditched
30 of my friends

at my birthday party.

And they all came for you?

Wow.

I have a hard time
holding onto any friends,

on account of
my personality stinks.

No, your personality doesn't stink.

Oh, yeah, I took an iVillage quiz.

- You can't argue with that.
- All right.

Oh, well, doc, I better
head back to the car,

catch some sleep.

Whoa, wait, you sleep in your car?

I sleep in a car.

I told you, I'm broke.

Oh, God.

Okay, sit down.
Sit down.

The car's not going anywhere.

Beverly, let me ask you something.

How would you feel
about being promoted?

Really?

Are you offering me
my old nursing gig?

Oh, no, hell no.

No, you were a terrible nurse.

You should have
your license revoked.

But we've been pretty busy.

We could use some help.

How about executive secretary?

Maybe you could burp less.

Well, it beats bussing tables.

Gonna miss the boys
in the kitchen though.

But not the knife fights.

Well, congratulations.

I'm gonna call the guys,
let them know.

Hey, guys!

I gotta...
I gotta turn it on first.

[Phone beeps] Oh, my God.

[Man, through megaphone]
Careful, everyone.

A child fell down a manhole,

but he's gonna be okay.
[Applause]

(Danny) Not a child.
Full-grown man.

No, don't clap.
Don't clap, okay?

Aren't you supposed to say
there's nothing to see here?

There's nothing to see here.

I don't know, this is
really something to see.

Danny, we'll be right behind.

I'm great, Alex.

That a boy, Danny.
Be brave.

(Morgan) This is
really a joint effort

between the fire department,

the police department, and myself.

We all really banded together

to save the life
of Dr. Daniel Castellano.

No, don't say my name on TV!

Of staten island.

Single guy, ladies.

Morgan!
[Siren whoops]

Oh, my God, Danny!

I can't believe...
Move, move.

Danny, I can't believe
that you would sacrifice

the use of your legs to come
and find me on my birthday.

That is the most amazing thing
I have ever heard,

and everything mean that
you have ever said to me,

I forgive you,
my sweet, sweet friend.

I don't care that you're paralyzed.

I will come,
and I will read books to you.

Okay.

And, Danny, if they tell you

that you can't have children

because your penis
doesn't work anymore,

if we'll get you, like,
a sex surrogate or something,

they can bring
your loins back to life.

- Mind, I...
- I really care about you.

Okay, I fractured my ankle, Mindy.

So I'm fine.
Wait, what?

He's totally fine.

So your...
Your penis works?

I hope so.

Huh, kind of a misleading text,
I would say.

Well, what I believe I texted is

"I am paralyzed with fear
for what happened."

And the penis thing,
I was just guessing.

I was panicked.

Hey, gang, this is nice.

Beverly, what are you doing here?

Ow, she pinched me.

Don't be theatrical, Betsy.

Guys, I ran into Beverly tonight,

and she kinda saved me
in a tough situation.

She said some things that made
me feel better about myself,

and I think we're going to
be friends now.

(Morgan) Dr. L,
you wanna feel good about yourself?

Let me tell you three things.
One is professional.

- Okay.
- One is emotional.

- That's all right.
- One is physical.

No, I don't wanna hear it.

Morgan, please just
keep it to yourself.

Never tell me.
I beg of you.

Mindy.

- Finally.
- Hi.

We want to apologize
for getting you presents

that make you seem
like a fat loser.

Which you are obviously not.

For the record, I have
nothing to be sorry for.

You were the one who was acting
like a spoiled princess.

- Maggie!
- Come on!

It's true.
Happy Birthday.

Okay, okay, all right,
she's not incorrect.

I acted like a child,
and I shouldn't have run out,

and the presents weren't bad.

I just, I think those
are the kind of gifts

- that I should probably get myself.
- Yes.

Who's up for some late night eats?

Ooh, yes.
Parker, thanks.

Can I maybe join you guys?

Oh, no thank you.

All right, gave it a shot.
Enjoy.

Mindy, your party's not over yet,

and we got you something
you'd actually like.

Fish filet, extra, extra
tartar sauce.

Oh, my God, thank you.

You guys think
this is so disgusting.

- No.
- I love it.

Who eats fish filet?

Hey, Mindy.

Oh.

Hey, Brendan.

What are you doing here?

Morgan's been live tweeting, so...

That is the midwife guy
who used her for her bod.

(Alex) Are you serious?

Did you use our friend for her bod?

I'd say it was
a misunderstanding...

Oh, boo!

Guys, guys, stop, stop.

Don't keep wasting food.

Open your mouth.

Okay, that was awesome.
He deserved that.

Nice to meet you.

Why are you here?

All of my coworkers hate you,

and you were very clear

about me not being your girlfriend.

Look, I know sometimes
I can come across

a little overly self-assured.

Eh, arrogant, pretentious.

Okay.
And pedantic.

All right, okay,
you're right, okay?

Duncan thinks
it has something to do

with our childhood acting career.

What?

I was the kid
who stole a pack of gum

in the first commercial
with McGruff the crime dog.

Are you kidding me?

You didn't recognize me?

You were trembling on
the way to the door,

'cause you couldn't take
the pressure of stealing it.

Can I tell you, I wasn't
supposed to be trembling.

I was a very anxious kid.

I used to pass out a lot on camera.

And so I've learned
to overcompensate

with false confidence.

Anyway, it's not important.

The point is I treated you
in a way that was not nice.

Terribly, awfully.

I cried every night.

I'm sorry, okay?
I got you this.

Thank you.

What is this,
some donation in my name

so that Guantanamo inmates can
have soccer balls or something?

No, although the limits
on those guys' leisure time

is a shock to the conscience.

Ugh.

"Dear constellation recipient,

"this cluster of stars
in the virgo stream galaxy

will henceforth be known
as capriterius."

That's the constellation I made up.

Now it's real.

Oh, my God.

It's beautiful.

Well...
[Clears throat]

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Happy Birthday.

Yes.

I ate the rest of your food.

That's fine.

Is everything okay?
Yeah.

Or do we have to kill someone?

No, we're cool.

Uh, my birthday gift to you

is one of my world-famous
full-body massages.

Here's a preview.
Let me just...

- I'm okay.
- Whoa.

Well, you got a big knot.
I can actually hear it.

- I don't know if it's a knot.
- Hey, I'm done.

As a doctor, you get priority.

That's pretty cool, right?

I've come to pray for baby Daniel.

The news said

he fell in a manhole.

So your friend Jeremy asked me out.

That's terrific.

Turned him down.

I want a guy who works for it,

someone who would fall down
a manhole to impress a girl.

That obvious, huh?

Mm-hmm.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Happy Birthday.

Oh, scared me.

What is this?

Grain alcohol.

Happy Birthday, Dr. Lahiri.

You want some cake, stud?

♪ Oh, come on, baby,
you put my love on top ♪

♪ Top, top, top

♪ On the top

♪ You put my love on top

♪ Oh ohh, come on, baby,
you put my love ♪