The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 16 - The One That Got Away - full transcript

People always ask me why
I like romantic comedies so much.

If I hadn't been fox books,

and you hadn't been
the shop around the corner,

and you and I had just met...

- I know.
- Yeah.

It's because even under
extraordinary circumstances,

the right two people
can end up together.

Guys, today someone from my
past is taking me out to lunch.

- Who, your uncle?
- Yes, Danny.

I'm wearing this really cool outfit
for my uncle from Denver.

Anyway, over the weekend,



I was adding some photos
to Facebook...

To an album called "gone snacking,"

when a picture of a hot dog
was liked by a guy named Sam,

as in Sam Kleinfeld.

- Ooh!
- Ah!

When I was 13,

my one dream in life
was to go to sleepaway camp.

My parents said no

'cause they were worried I'd
get molested, which is crazy,

'cause I was not that cute a kid.

Finally, they agreed,

but only if it was
Jewish sleepaway camp.

Camp Takanae.

If I was going to be away
from home for several weeks,



my parents only trusted me
in the gentle hands

of the Jews
of the berkshire mountains.

Hi.

Everyone wants to know
why you're here.

Are you even Jewish?

For your information,

camp Takanae has been open
to non-Jewish campers

since the landmark 1989 case
chan versus Takanae.

And that's when I met him.

Sure, she's Jewish, Tony.

She's just sephardic.

No, I'm not.

Wait.
What is that?

Don't worry about it.
The joke landed.

I'm Sam.
Hi, I'm Mindy.

Do you want to see a piece
of the Berlin Wall?

Check this out.

Whoa.

That's gonna be worth
$1 million someday.

I don't think
I ever laughed more

than when I was hanging out
with Sam that summer.

He sounds hilarious.

What are you basing that on?

Well, she said he's Jewish.

Morgan, we're in the middle
of Manhattan, for God's sake.

But if you guys had
such a deep connection,

why didn't you stay in touch?

Betsy, we were 13.
We didn't know any better.

You didn't even email?

Email was not invented yet.
What about Facebook?

- Facebook wasn't really a thing yet.
- How old are you?

I'm fine. I'm young.
Don't worry about me, okay?

Yeah, these Facebook connections,
they rarely pan out.

I once thought I was going
to meet a welsh supermodel.

Next thing I know,
I'm having a romantic dinner

with a man with no torso.
Ugh.

I was catfished before catfish.

Well, I hope he's great.
Thanks, Morgan.

And it breaks my heart,

some of the slimeballs
you've been with.

I'd like you to be less invested.

But yeah, if he is anything

like the way he was
when he was 13, sure.

I can see us having
a real relationship.

You want to date a 13-year-old?

I don't want to date a 13-year-old.

It could work.
You like the same music.

Hi,
I'm looking for Mindy Lahiri.

Hi.

Hey, Sam.

He doesn't look Jewish.

it is, um, so good to see you.

I wish I could see you,
but... I'm blind now.

Oh, my God.

I'm not actually blind.
That's a weird joke to make.

I don't know why I did that.
I'm sorry.

I was nervous to see you,
so I thought I'd do a bit.

Uh, okay.

You look the same, honestly,
which is very nice.

Hey, any friend of Dr. Lahiri's
is a boss of mine.

Cool. Let me grab
this coat for you.

Oh, you're taking my coat off.
Oh, I love your t-shirt.

Did you get that
at urban outfitters?

Oh, no.
I got it from the army.

They ge you them
for free when you join.

I just got back from Afghanistan.

I gotta tell you, I've been
a big fan of seal team 6

way before you guys
killed Bin Laden.

Cool.
I'm not in seal team 6.

I got you.
You're not in seal team 6.

I'm really not.
I hear you.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

Sam, I'm Danny.
Hey.

Thank you so much for your service.

Can someone get this guy
a sandwich?

And not a wrap, an actual
sandwich on real bread.

- Awesome.
- That's what you're fighting for.

I'll keep that in mind
while I'm taking fire.

I know you will.

Yeah.

So if you don't mind me asking,

it must be pretty
challenging for you

to acclimate to civilian life.

It was pretty weird.
Yeah.

I got to be totally honest.
Yeah.

There's even more singing
competition shows now?

That actually
spooked me out for a second.

- Your hair's pretty long.
- For the military, yeah.

This happens in, like, two weeks.

Whoa.
Very good metabolism.

You're so different, Sam,
than how I remember you.

Seriously,
you're not what I thought.

I thought you'd be, like,
a boring mom with three kids.

You'd be showing me pictures

of, like, your babies riding
your dog or something like that.

I didn't think that it'd be,
you know,

you're a pretty doctor.

Thank you.

You ever get your period?

That was a big thing
last time we talked.

We decided to take your
advice and use a sperm donor.

Fantastic.

Who's the guy?

He's handsome with the class
of a young Robert Duvall.

And the gravitas
of an old Robert Duvall.

Amazing.
Did you talk to this guy already?

Actually, we're doing it right now.

Wait, you want...
My guys?

Here you go. Thank you.

So, what are you gonna do now?

Like, go meet up with your girlfriend
and make out with her?

What?

I was trying to find out
during lunch

if you had a girlfriend.

Oh. That's the best
you could come up with?

That's lame.

Your boyfriend must
always make fun of you

for saying...
You're right.

It's actually really hard
to do that organically.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I don't have a boyfriend.
I don't have a girlfriend.

I have six kids though.

Shut up.

I don't know about this, guys.

We don't want to pressure you,

but you'd be giving us
the greatest gift.

We'd be so lucky if our son
turned out like you.

Okay.

Okay.

I'll do it.

See, honey?
That was easy.

Of all the places in New York,

you wanted to go to a drug store?

Yeah, I do.

This place, this is heaven.

They don't have any
of this stuff in Afghanistan.

Hey, is this lady shampoo?

Okay.

You know what you actually

miss the most
while you're over there?

This is gonna sound insane.

"Bouncy hair that he will want
to run this fingers through"?

It's the way girls smell.

It doesn't actually
say "he'll" on it.

Well, this is the shampoo
that I use.

Mmm.

It's nice.

Okay.
This is nuts. Let's...

Ooh, self-checkout.
No.

We've lived to see the future.

Please don't do this.

Sam, self-checkout
is the biggest scam.

Are you joking?
What's the scam about?

You think you're saving
all this time,

but you really aren't.
No, you are.

There's a reason
why no one was in this line,

'cause they all are smart.

Okay, now...

Please scan
the bar code of your first item.

It talks.

Where on my item is the bar code?

I don't know this item...
Okay, right there.

You found it.

First item scanned.

Look at you.
You're a natural.

You got a second career.

Please place item into bag.

I placed it in the bag.

Please place item into bag.

I already did that.

You have not
placed an item into bag.

I'm sure there's, like, a button.

You are attempting to place

an item in your bag
that has not been paid for.

We're not doing that.
I didn't... we're not...

Shoplifting will be prosecuted

to the fullest extent of the law.

That's... that's not
what's happening!

Don't give us
those judgmental looks.

We're trying to self-checkout.

Go back to waiting in line!

Okay, I...
That's insane.

What is this robot doing?
Okay, bail. Bail.

Thank you, Mandy Lahiri.

Please take your shampoo.

- This is so much fun.
- I know, it's great.

You know what we should
do next weekend? What?

We should go to
the mummy exhibit at the met.

The wall is really low,

so you're not supposed
to touch them,

but you can just, like,
get right in there.

- Look, nobody checks.
- We'll get cursed if that happens.

- You know that, right?
- I hadn't thought of that.

I'd actually like
to do that, but I can't

because I'm getting ready to
deploy again for 18 months.

So you're not, like, back back?

- No, I'm gone, gone.
- When?

Not for a while.

Tomorrow.

What?

I told him good luck,
have a nice life,

- and came back to work.
- I'm sorry.

You cleared your schedule to
reconnect with this awesome guy

who killed Osama Bin Laden,
who you then abandon

in the middle of New York City?

Are you crazy?

No, I didn't.
I didn't abandon him.

Hmm.

Sam is kind of perfect.

But I don't want to be
in the position

where I'm heartbroken over some guy

who's not even gonna be here
in the morning.

This soldier doesn't fit into

your "sex and the city
find a husband" scheme,

so he's worthless to you now?

Danny, sometimes I feel like
you have never even seen

- sex and the city.
- I've seen an episode.

All four of them were
walking down the street.

Remind me to never lose touch
with you

and reconnect with you
20 years later.

Ugh.

Did Betsy just tell me off?

Sam.

Hey, what are you doing here?

You said that you might
get a tattoo,

so this is the fourth tattoo parlor

that I have been to in the village.

I have seen some things pierced

that I did not know
were pierceable.

You know what, you don't
need to hear that right now.

The point is, Sam,
I really like you.

Finding a person
you like is really hard.

Wouldn't you say?

So we should spend all the time
you have left together.

Okay. Yeah, I'd love to.
Let's go.

Thank you very much.

Wait, I'm not done
with your tattoo.

Oh, uh, that's okay.

You know, it's accurate.

Next.

So what else do you
miss when you're over there?

Normal, everyday stuff,
like napping on the couch.

I miss that a lot.
Mm-hmm.

I miss sex with a human.

All right. You know...

You know what I miss the most

is seeing movies
in movie theaters, honestly.

I saw up on a crap smart phone.

Yeah?
It didn't... it wasn't...

I still cried,
but it wasn't the same.

Yeah.

If you miss movies,
I kind of have a great idea.

"Nora Ephron.

Double feature.
"Yeah. Yeah.

'Cause I love Nora Ephron,
and tom Hanks is your thing.

You love tom Hanks.

I love tom Hanks?
Everybody loves tom Hanks.

Don't put that on me.
He's ame's favorite actor.

No, it's your thing.

Come on, let's go in.

Dinner or a movie...

For as long as we both shall live?

I couldn't help but see
your fax on the machine,

and I couldn't help but notice

that that fax is
from a donor clinic,

so I couldn't help but deduce...

You can help
all those things, okay?

Yeah, well, you're gonna
be a dad! Come here!

Okay.

Oh, my God,
I'm just saying,

the name Morgan works
for boys or girls.

Better for girls.

I'm just trying to help
a couple in need. No big deal.

Morgan, Danny's always going on

about how he doesn't want kids,

which I personally think
is a shame.

You know, the world needs more
rough-hewn strivers like you.

Scrummers and scrappers

who claw and scratch their way
through life.

Dr.
Castellano, can you imagine?

One day, out of the blue,

your child shows up
at the door and says,

"hi, I'm your kid.

I want to have a relationship
with you."

More, like, "hey, dad, remember me?

Bang."

Oh, my God, Beverly, damn it.

I don't get why tom Hanks
and Meg Ryan

even do movies without
the other in them.

I know. It's true.

He shouldn't be doing
the Da Vinci code.

Like, he shouldn't
do franchises altogether.

He is the franchise.

Well, I mean, except for toy story.

Yes.

They should definitely
keep making those movies.

Those were amazing.
Mm-hmm.

- Hooah.
- Hooah.

Where'd you serve?

Three tours in Vietnam.
Evacuation of Saigon.

Whoa, that's crazy.

Where did you serve?

Oh, just one tour in Iraq,
one in Afghanistan.

I'm actually heading back
out there tomorrow.

Wow.

Nice to meet you.
You too. Thank you.

- Keep your head down.
- Yeah, I will.

What?

♪ smash that, smash that

take this off, take this off.
So glad we ran into that guy.

♪ I'm an est boy
till the casket close ♪

Well, I got to do
everything on my list.

I didn't get to go play
mini golf, but you know.

- Did you think the sex was good?
- I did.

Really?
I really did.

I meant to ask you,
who is this little pervert

that was watching us
the whole time?

He's not a pervert.
That's brown bear.

He must have seen a lot of dudes
roll through this piece.

Well...
A married guy.

What?

Surprising amount of black guys.
Brown bear!

A whole team?

Hey! Hey! That's enough.

So he likes to say, you know, like,

"hey, Mindy, what are
your hopes and dreams?"

And what do you say?

Like, well, get married to
a nice guy who's in the army.

Jeez,
I think brown bear says,

"whoa, that is not
what a guy wants to hear

right after you have sex
with him, Mindy."

No, come on.

I'm sorry.
Oh, man.

This sucks, Sam.

Why does it suck?

Because you're really fun,

and then you have to
leave tomorrow.

I know.
I wish I was less fun.

And I wish I didn't
have to leave tomorrow.

We didn't even get to do any,
like, fun, date-y things.

Like what?

Like, go to the supermarket,

and have a big fight
in front of people.

That sounds fun.

Pretending like I don't know
how to use chopsticks,

so you can teach me.

Help me fix my air conditioner
while I hand you tools.

I could do that.

Really?

This might actually be
the worst DVD collection

I've ever seen in my entire life.

Sorry that it's not all, like,
caddyshack or whatever.

Caddyshack's an amazing film.

I would rather take my mcat
again than watch caddyshack.

I actually don't know
if I can go back there

and fight my heart out
knowing an American thinks that.

I feel that you have not
seen caddyshack recently.

The problem with caddyshack
is that people forget

that caddyshack
is about the caddies.

Sam? Oh, my God!
Sam! Sam!

Hey, what's up?

Hey.
What are you doing here?

Sam was helping out
around my apartment

and he was defenestrated.

You threw a soldier out a window?

Wow, one day with you,

and you messed him up
worse than Al-Qaeda.

Ha ha ha, Danny.

I would not joke about Al-Qaeda.

And it could have
happened to anybody.

He's fine. He's just
a little, like, banged up.

But I do think it might mean

that he has to delay
his deployment.

You sound thrilled.

I am.

I would love to be able
to nurse him back

to health for a couple of weeks.

You know, and the last couple days,

maybe we're, like, in Vermont
at a bed and break...

I'm glad you're here

'cause I wanted
to ask you about something.

Is it fashion-related?
Because, Danny,

I made the sickest lookbook
for you.

Would you wear a pocket square?

No.

I wanted to talk to you
about a couple

who asked me to be a sperm donor.

And said I do it.

Wait, what?

Yeah, I mean... I'm probably
never gonna have kids

so why not do it now, right?

I'm sorry.

If that is the reason
you're doing this,

you definitely cannot do it.

What do you mean?

One weird woman breaks your heart,

and then all of a sudden,
you're like,

"no, I don't know
if I can ever be a dad.

"I can never be
a father figure to no one

with this broken heart of mine."

Like, that's a bunch of crap.

You already call a wallet
a billfold.

You're gonna be a dad, okay?
Just deal with it.

I already said I'd do it.

Oh.

Well, if you already said

that you would do
this life-altering decision

of being the biological father

of some random kid you don't know,

then, yeah, I guess
you have to do it.

Really?
No. Of course not.

You're such a dummy.

You know what?
I think I have a little time.

Let's go try to get out of this.

Here's the deal.

I know Danny really, really well.

Whoa, Mindy.
What's going on here?

It's time to come clean.

First of all, he is crazily sweaty.

Like, sweat faucets coming out
of his hands.

That's true,
I do have some clammy hands.

He is stubborn, stingy,

and he's scared of game of thrones.

Yeah, there's parts of
games of thrones

that are, like, kind of
interesting and, like, violent,

but it's not a scary show.

No, no, that's not...

It's not a scary show.
Nope.

Also, he has tiny ears,
and he's a selfish lover.

Wait... what?
So let me ask you.

I never even...
Do you really want...

Daniel Castellano
to be the biological father

of your angry, sweaty,
emotionally needy baby?

- No.
- No.

Okay, well,
it was nice meeting you guys.

Good luck with everything.

Sam, I think I'm doing it
this time.

That's a push-up to you?
Yes.

That's just an "up."

I hate this. Why can't
I just do girl push-ups?

Tuck your butt in.
Your butt's too high. Oh, God.

You got to put your butt down.

I have a big butt.
Okay? Just deal with it.

Hello, Mr. Kleinfeld.

Yes.
Got your x-rays back.

Oh, thank God.
What is the news?

Well, you got lucky
for such a fall.

See? That's just a sprain.
No breaks.

Great.

Let's not celebrate too early,
you guys.

Sam, in the medical community,

a sprain can actually be worse
than a fracture.

But not in this case.

In this case, it is
a really, really minor sprain.

Um...

Doug, can I just talk to you
for a second please?

- Sure, Mindy.
- Cool.

How's it going?
I'm good. I'm good.

March madness is coming up.
Mindy, I...

Do you think it would be possible

to maybe just write the word
"fracture" in Sam's folder?

I would be breaking
the hippocratic oath.

Doug, we've all done
stuff like this.

For instance, I have taken home
a z-pak on occasion.

You take home z-paks?

I don't do that,
but it would be easy to do.

- Dr. I, hey.
- Yeah.

I did some of that intel
you asked me for

about how to get a soldier
kicked out of the army.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Morgan, shh.

Oh, right.

Tell everyone he's gay.

That is not a thing anymore.

What if he's only 16?

Then I am going to jail.

Nice. Okay, look. All right.

Can he be recovering from polio,

Scarlet fever, or consumption?

Morgan, how old is this
list okay, fine. Look.

There's one last thing
we could try.

We can take some oxycontin, and
we can slip it in his bag.

- What?
- Listen.

He needs them because
he was hit by a tank.

This seems a little bit farfetched.

What are you guys
talking about right now?

Hey.

Hey.

- Cutie.
- Hey, cutie.

I'm so sorry.

I just wanted to buy
a couple extra days with you.

You yourself said
you didn't want to go back.

Yeah, I know.

That's because
I was having a lot of fun,

- and I thought you were cool.
- "Thought"?

Look, Mindy.

I have to go back.

You don't have to.

Okay, I want to go back.

That's what I'm trying to say.

I want to go back there.

If you're trying to make me
cry, mission accomplished.

How could that be possible?

It is literally Afghanistan.

That's kind of the whole point
of joining the military

is to get involved
in conflicts that matter.

Well, I don't want you
to get killed in Afghanistan.

Okay?
I don't either.

I just met you.
And you're cute and fun.

Well, thank you very much.

And I wanted you to stay here
for, like, a month,

and we can date.

And we can go
to the central Park zoo,

and, like, make fun of animals

and a giraffe comes
and steals our ice cream.

Oh, God.
I have a procedure.

Are you sure you can't just wait

a couple days and then do it?

Ha ha ha.

Way to turn my words against me.

Well, way to have words
that are very easily turnable.

I should go to my procedure.
We can talk about this later.

- Okay, I'll be... yeah.
- Sam, wait.

Can I drive you to the bus station?

And if the answer is yes,
do you have a car?

You are all out of whack.

If you can, try to keep any
bazookas on your left shoulder.

Morgan, leave him alone.

It actually feels
really, really good.

Thank you.

So, Mindy, she's like a really
great doctor, isn't she?

Yeah.
She is really great.

That means a lot coming from him

because he's very competitive

and doesn't give
a lot of compliments.

No, I'm not.

Can you do me a favor and
give this to her for me?

I got to head out.

Well, she'll be back in a bit.

You can give it to her yourself.

It's better if I go.

It was really nice
meeting you guys.

Yeah.
Great to meet you.

Yep.

Yeah, if I want to email you,
I would just...

Just email the government,
and they'll find me.

Email the government?

So, like, sam@government?

Hey.

Sam left that for you.

Good guy.

"Hey.

"First of all, I never thanked
you properly "for the sex.

"It will get me through
many a Sandy, cold night.

"Look, I'm sorry we didn't
get to say good-bye for real,

"but actually, it's probably better

"because I feel like you might
have started crying,

"and that would have made me cry,

"and no one wants to see
a guy in the army cry,

"because it's just bad
for our nation, honestly.

"After I searched my bag
fonarcotics,

"I watched your surgery.
It was so cool.

"I could tell you were doing
exactly what you always wanted.

"It's the exact look I get
when I bring

"clean drinking water to a village.

"Because people, shockingly,
love clean drinking water.

"So I hope you can understand,
you know,

"why I have to go back.

"I know we only spent
a day together,

"but as Meg Ryan said
in you've got mail,

"'all this nothing
has meant more to me

"than so many somethings.'

"in closing,
I would just like to ask you

"never to reveal to anyone

Watched you've got mail

Remember it to the point

"that I could quote it in a letter.

"I would really appreciate that.

"And hey, maybe I'll see you
next summer.

Your friend, Sam."

You're gonna cry?
You want me to leave?

No, but it's weird that
your first instinct

when a woman is crying
is to abandon her.

You know, one way of looking
at this whole thing...

Danny, it's fine.
We had a great day together.

It is what it is.

All right.

You want a snack?

Yeah. Why don't you read me
what's in the vending machine?

Okay.

We've got sun chips, fritos...

Apple, which you don't
care about, smartfood,

Doritos, Kit Kat.

Hmm.

Put a pin in it.

Okay, row two.

Twizzlers... you like those.
I do.

Peanut m&ms.
Swedish fish.

Good.
But not for all night.

- Ho hos.
- No.

Pringles.

Cheddar popcorn.
No.

Cheez-its.
Blow my brains out.

What about raisinets?

Go to bed.