The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 15 - Mindy's Minute - full transcript

This has been "Women's Health
Minute with Dr. Mindy Lahiri."

Ladies, that's why
it's so important

for to you use
a multivitamin with calcium

to prevent osteoporosis
in your bones.

Psst, psst, psst, psst.

What's that, Erica Everywoman?
You don't have bones?

This has been
"Women's Health Minute

with Dr. Mindy Lahiri."

Psst, psst,
psst, psst, psst.

Oh, yeah.
We forgot our song.

♪ Watching Mindy's minute,
it really was sensational ♪



♪ And if I may say,
also educational ♪

That's Mindy.
Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Why would you do this?

Taxi TV was looking
for short,

educational, entertaining
little videos,

and I thought it would help
blicize the practice.

It is you.

You are...
You are Mindy minute.

Yes, sir. Yes, it's me.

I get recognized

anywhere between zero
and three times a day.

Today's two.

All day I hear you.
"Dr. Mindy. Bye-bye."



I want to drive into pole!

Okay, sir. Uh, thank you
for your feedback.

It's just...
You're dressed as a dog.

Well, rowlf
from the muppets...

Is the idea that you're some
kind of reverse veterinarian?

Danny, you have
such a literal perspective.

I feel sorry for you.

Ah!
That voice is sharp,

like scimitar,

but it also grates,
like rusty scimitar!

Okay.

No more!

Sir.

I cannot hear
my video, sir.

My phone was on 100
when I left my house,

and now
it is on nine.

Danny, nine.
Mm.

I don't even know
how many apps I had open.

What floor?
Four, please.

The midwives.

Same.

Uh, yeah.
Four for me too, please.

Four.
Okay, yeah,

I got it...
Four is pressed.

Which one's your favorite?
I like Duncan.

Is it even possible
the Deslauriers

are as handsome as they are
in their ads?

Ads?

Handsome?

A gentle fall of rain,

our earth's gargantuan ocean,

the endangered
arctic ice shelf...

What do they have in common?

Timeless beauty?
Oh, without question,

but they've also
existed for eons

before
the obstetrician.

And for eons,
so existed have we.

We're the downtown
women's holistic health center.

The midwives.

Our practice,
plastic bottle-free since 2009,

offers a safe alternative
to big doctor.

As a woman, I'm made up
of billions of cells

and millions of feelings.

I trust all of them

with downtown women's
holistic health center.

Thanks, Maria.

If you enjoyed
the music in this ad,

please check out
Duncan's page on iTunes.

I can't believe they got
Maria Menounos to do their ad.

Guys, she is
my hair idol.

Once one TV host
falls to the midwives,

they all fall...
Nancy O'Dell, Mary Hart.

Before you know it,
they've got Billy Bush.

No, no, no, no.
This isn't happening.

If we're gonna best
these guys,

we need a media strategy...
Come on.

Okay, okay, what about the ads
on the diner placemats?

They shut that place down
for human trafficking.

Ah.
I know.

So sad. I love
their pork chops.

You know what we should do?

Celebrity endorsements,
you guys,

and guess what.
I see Sigourney Weaver

at the gym all the time,

and I've actually spoken
to her once or t...

You know what?
She's never gonna go for this.

Okay, maybe you should leave
the marketing strategy

to partners
a little less cloaked in shame...

You know,
the taxi video.

Mindy, you know,
don't dwell on the past.

Just focus on trying to make
the future less disastrous.

That's the beauty
of my ageism lawsuit...

You had to rehire me.

Finally, a job where I don't
have to "warsh" my hands.

You should still
"warsh" them.

You know, back when
you were a nurse here,

you never got this close without
trying to give me a wedgie.

My wedgie days are in the past,
God willing.

I'm not gonna let this job
slip through my filthy hands.

Oh. Okay, well, this is
your excel, firefox, quickbooks.

This is a calculator.

Sure, sure, right.

Now, your username
will be "adminassist002,"

and your password
can be whatever you want,

but it has to have
four letters,

one in caps, three numbers,
and two underscores,

not dashes.

Obviously.

Don't worry.
I know all about computers...

Clicking, clacking,
these guys.

Why don't you
just set up your email?

Okay, Kelsey,
well, like last time,

your discomfort
is not from early labor.

It is from gas.

Oh, what a relief.

I was supposed to be
a ring-card girl

at a UFC match tonight.

Are you serious?

What do you think?
I... okay.

You got me.

Oh, my... my... my blood test...

Yeah?
I'm anemic, right?

No, you are not anemic.

Why does everyone
always think they're anemic?

I think they all read the same
article in self or something.

You are healthy.
Your baby's healthy.

You just have
to stop worrying.

Did my blood tests show
all that ecstasy

I did last weekend?

What?
Are you insane?

Relax,
I am joking.

Obviously,
I am not doing ecstasy.

It's not like
it's 1994.

Kelsey, you pose
a big challenge for me

as a physician,
because on one hand,

you are
incredibly sarcastic,

but on the other hand, you're,
like, this major worrier.

Part of me feels like it maybe
is coming from the same place,

but then... I don't know.
It's not my field.

What is your field?

Oh, really cool
taxi cab videos.

That was sarcasm.

How do you two deal
with a patient

that you just
straight up don't like?

I love
all my patients.

What about that old lady
who's racist against everybody?

Even to me.
I'm not even a race.

She called me
a toffee head.

Oh!

Speak of the devil,

and America's
next top broadcaster appears.

- We've been looking for you.
- Huh? Heh?

Mindy, I think
they're talking to me.

Dr. Jeremy Reed.
This is all so sudden.

No, we're here for her.
Mm-hmm.

I'm Nick.
This is Helen.

We produce
the channel 8 news.

Guys, I watch that show
all the time.

I'm a huge fan.

Oh, my God, yes.
Your segment

on how to "zazz" up leftovers...
That was emmy-worthy.

You know, they fought me
on that segment.

It's disgusting.

I've never seen
such overt sexism.

It's like, "let her do
the damn piece on leftovers!"

All right, honey.
We won, so it's all right.

Um, we saw
your taxi TV spot.

Okay, that is enough,
all right?

If you didn't like
my segment,

you did not have to come
to my place of work and tell me.

You could have just
been like everybody else

and shouted it from a bus.
You're bullies.

"Didn't like it"?
Wha...

We have a proposal
for you.

Let me get this
straight.

You want me to host a segment
on the 5:00 news?

Let's slow it down.

In our business, there's
a measure called the "Q" rating.

It measures audience awareness
of a celebrity.

Did I score
a huge "Q" rating?

You know, I wanted to be
a celebrity doctor

before I even
wanted to be a doctor.

Yeah, no. Your "Q" rating
was effectively zero.

Out of 100.

Sorry.
Uh, Mindy, could you help me

update my photo for my I.D. Card
with this one?

This is really something
for the security office

at the hospital.
I know. It's just...

It's better
if you do it.

I'm just gonna
leave those there...

What?
For you.

I do not know
what that was.

Anyways, your "Q" rating
was a disaster,

but your "P" rating
was off the charts.

"P" for popularity?

Pity.
Sure.

You scored a "P" rating
equal to that of the dog

that was saved from the roof
during hurricane Katrina.

No human has ever scored
sad-dog numbers.

So you want me to host a segment
because people pity me?

When people feel sympathy
for you...

Or are worried
about your safety...

They want
to keep watching.

Given my current
situation,

I don't think I need
any more pity.

Well...

That's a disappointment.
Yeah.

Okay, well,
if you change your mind,

do give us a call asap,

'cause we are going
to have to make an offer

to a police officer
who shot himself in the foot

at show-and-tell.

I believe congratulations
is in order.

Your video
was on tosh.0.

He called you
his "fat loser of the week."

That is
incredibly hateful.

Oh, no. I think
he was laughing with you.

That is enough.
Being a doctor in a dog costume

cannot be the only thing
that people know about me.

That's not true.
People say you have a juicy ass.

What?

I did not say that.
Other people said it.

I just agreed.

I said it.

I was the only one
that said it.

- You gonna call the police?
- I need redemption.

Kim Kardashian
started out with a sex tape,

but she didn't stop there
and let it define her.

Kim Kardashian
made a sex tape?

Yes, exactly.

So I just need to ride out
this minor humiliation

until I find my kanye.

Hel... yeah, Helen?
Yes. I am in.

Nice.

Helen, I'm sorry.
This is Dr. Mindy Lahiri.

What I'm in for
is that TV segment

that we talked about.

Okay.
Okay, great.

Hey, how do you, uh, spell
"Kardashian"?

Are you looking up
her sex tape?

No, I just wanted to see
what she's up to.

I need you to leave.

Everyone, huge news...

Really exciting news.
Stop what you're doing.

Stop what you're doing.
Gather round.

Parker, you can continue
to take out the recycling.

You're not part
of the core group.

I have been hand-selected to be
the new medical correspondent

for the channel 8 news.

Oh, my God!

You were born
for TV news.

How you're always taking
undramatic things

and making them dramatic.
I don't do that.

Or do I?

This is...
This is great news.

You deserve this.
I'm so glad it's you.

Now I'll have
two famous signatures

for my autograph book...

You and mayor David Dinkins.

Okay, Mindy, look,

I know you're really
excited about this,

but if you want my opinion...
I don't.

Can you guys believe it?
Me, the child of immigrants...

Is it offensive to say
that I only trust

an older white man
to give me the news?

Yes.
Very.

Mindy, I don't know
about this.

Look, Danny, I know
that you are worried

that my fame
is gonna change things.

No, I'm not.
And, Danny, I'm more worried for you.

You are?
Yeah.

What if there's some
unflattering headline,

like, "why is she
with him?"

And we're just walking
to get lunch?

And you'll have to get
to know my bodyguard,

D'Nell.

And, uh, there might be
"crotcharazzi."

"Crotcharazzi"?

Erica, so you are trying

to tell me that you have never
heard of a mammogram.

Does it hurt?

They're not
the most comfortable things.

Dr. C.,

you gotta see this.
They don't hurt.

This is her segment.

It's informative,

But it's hilarious.

Okay, this is Dr. Castellano.
I work with him.

Are you kidding me?

You're gonna use
this stupid puppet?

Uh, Erica is
a brilliant puppet,

she's just uninformed
about women's health,

which is
where I come in.

Okay, Mindy, you gotta
be careful

about the local news game.

What do you know
about local news?

Local news is
the only news I watch.

I don't want to hear
about the Syrian revolution

from Brian Williams.

I want to hear
about the Syrian revolution

from some Syrian guy who owns
a local dunkin' donuts.

That's what I want.
Okay...

If you are going to denigrate
a legend like Brian Williams,

Erica and I
would like you to leave.

You look like a fool,

and this whole practice
looks like a bag of jerks,

and you know what, Mindy?
We can't afford that.

Look, don't worry, okay?
I know what I'm doing.

I'm gonna get you
in shape.

Okay.

Okay?
Yeah.

She goes
on your right hand.

Just use, like, a funny voice.
Have fun with it.

You know, but if...

Erica!

Ooh, Dr. Reed, you have
some sriracha on your tie.

Oh, well.

Just another excuse to go
to this store I found in soho.

They have a DJ
who mashes up '80s hip-hop

with John Grisham
audiobooks.

I found a new store...

Great selection
of compression hose.

Any color you want... light tan,
medium tan, black lady.

Right.

What'd you say?
Nothing.

Okay, let's start
from the beginning.

Camera three. Camera one.
Camera two.

Three. One. Two.

Two again.
Excellent.

Okay, let's see
the visual aid.

I don't know how I'm gonna
make this talk.

No, no, no.
That doesn't talk. You talk.

Okay, so you just want me
to be like,

"hi.
I'm Dr. Mindy Lahiri,

and here's my boring
old model of a vagina."

Whoa! Whoa!
You can't say that.

That word
is a local news no-no.

It's 5:30.
Mom's cooking dinner.

Dad's pouring
his first scotch.

You can't say that,
okay?

Promise me
you're not gonna say...

Okay, well, then I better
get it out of my system now.

♪ Vagina, vagina,
vagina, vagina ♪

Are we gonna
take this seriously or not?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can we stop? Okay.

From the beginning, okay?
Yeah.

Camera three. Camera one.
Camera two.

Camera one.
Camera four.

There's no camera four.
There's three cameras.

And that is
the unfortunate democracy

of the urinary tract
infection.

This has been Dr. Mindy Lahiri
on the latest updates of UTIs.

Danny!
Check it out.

I'm pushing
a low pressure system

through long island
right now.

Storm coming.

Eat it, Massapequa.

You're not listening.

I've heard this segment
100 times.

It's gonna be great, okay?
Relax. It's gonna be great.

Oh, my God. Danny, this
could change my whole life.

You know, what if
I'm supposed to be

the next Sanjay Gupta...

Out there educating people
about flu epidemics?

Probably end up
having brunch on the weekend

with Anderson Cooper
and Kathy Griffin.

I hope they don't make fun
of me too much.

Oh, God.
It's my patient Kelsey.

The hypochondriac?
Yeah.

Don't answer it.

Don't answer it.
Okay.

What did I just say?
Hey, Kelsey? Okay. Okay, calm down.

You are not going
into labor.

Do not go to the hospital.
You do not need to go...

Okay, you're calling me
from the hospital.

Well, whatever you do...

Okay.

She hung up on you?
Yeah.

What do I do?
I should go, right?

No, she'll be fine.
Don't worry about it.

Right?
Yeah.

Yeah, definitely,
definitely.

'Cause she's not
going into labor.

She's not going into labor.
Now, let's focus.

What if she is going
into labor?

She's fine.

I'm gonna leave.

Wait, wait, wait.
Yeah, I'm gonna leave.

What about...
No, no, no. The segment.

The seg... I know.
We have plenty of time.

We have more than an hour.

I'm just gonna go there.
I'm gonna be right back.

It's gonna take five minutes.
I'm gonna calm her down.

And I'll be back
in plenty of time.

You sure?
Yeah, don't worry.

Don't worry.
It's gonna be great.

Just, you kn...
Don't let them bump us

for that nine-year-old
that got into college.

Wait... watch...
Oh, God. I'm sorry.

Okay, Kelsey, you are not
in labor, just as I thought,

and your baby is fine.

A nurse is gonna
come in here soon

to confirm all that with you,
and I'm just gonna head out.

Okay, bye.

Great.
You go party

while I just sit here
by myself, terrified.

Ha. Some of
your trademark sarcasm...

Hilarious.
See ya.

This doesn't seem
to have been hung up right.

Okay, are you staying
or going?

I don't know, Kelsey.
I'm just...

Give me a second
to think about it.

Merciful Jesus,
please make Mindy show up,

and let the Yankees scout some
good Dominicans this season.

Come on.
Come on, Mindy.

Okay. Hey, guys. We're all good.
This is her, see?

Where are you?

I'm still at the hospital.
Wait, what?

You're supposed to be...
I'm not gonna make it.

No, no, no, no. The segment's
about to start, Mindy.

I know.
You should do it.

Are you insane?

No, Danny,
you'll be great.

You'll be promoting
the practice.

You'll be sticking it
to the midwives.

You'll be showing everyone
how much better you are than me.

It's like everything that you like.
Oh.

Okay, fine.

Don't be so annoying.
Be excited.

Danny, you're doing
my dream job.

Okay.

Oh, God.

Oh, boy.

Okay, we're looking great.

Hey, do you mind if we, um,
watch the local news?

Yeah, I would love
to watch the local news,

since it's 1983.

Okay, I need to work
on my sarcasm.

No.

Vice President Biden
was 72.

And today he's 73.

Now for an all-new segment...

"Focus on health
with Dr. Mindy."

♪ focus on health with...
Sorry, Trish.

♪ Dr. Mindy

little change
in lineup.

Hello.
I'm Dr. Danny.

Wait. Were you supposed to be
on the news tonight?

No, I'm your doctor.

I'm supposed to be here
with you.

I'm here to talk
about a problem

millions of women
face a year...

Urinary tract infections,
or UTIs.

And, man,
are they a pain,

but now there's a promising
new antibiotic,

and trust me, it ain't
your grandma's aminoglycocide.

Women get more
bladder infections than men,

mostly because their urethras
are shorter than men,

located here
above the vagina.

Just keep going.
Thank you. Um...

Not vagina.
Well, yes, vagina.

That... not... not... not...
Not that it's a bad word,

it's... it's... it's...
It's beautiful.

Not like "beautiful"
like it's hot.

Danny,
stop saying things.

Let's... let's take a look
at the model.

Oh, okay. Can you just... just
hand me the vulva? Um, just...

Throw it back to Trish.
Throw it back to Trish.

Look who...
Look who showed up.

Oh, God.

It's Erica.

Hi, everyone.

Do not bring Erica
into this!

Wrap it up! Just wrap it up.

It's like watching someone

fall down
a flight of stairs slowly.

That's "focus on"...

That's "focus on"...

My left or your...

That's
"focus on health."

Now back to you, Trish.

♪ focus on health
with Dr. Mindy ♪

We're the downtown women's
holistic health center...

The midwives.
Wow.

I was actually thinking
about using a midwife

for my second baby.

I will give you
their phone number.

Oh, ugh!
Drag me to hell!

Ugh.

Everyone? Everyone,
I have something to say.

I know I almost
took this place to court,

but I need help...
Help using computers.

I don't understand
anything.

Beverly, we would be happy
to help you.

Sure. I once volunteered
teaching nursing-home residents

how to email
their grandkids.

It was
super gratifying.

Great story, Parker. Really had
a beginning, middle, and an end.

Bev, sit down.
What do you need?

I gotta attach a file
to an email.

Couldn't be simpler.

All you gotta do
is just move the mouse up.

Oh, actually,

if you want the cursor
to go up,

you move the mouse
forward.

Oh, got ya...
Like a Chinese finger trap.

Yeah, there you go. And just
click the file and drag it.

No, that's trash!
No, no, no. That's trash!

That's trash.

Up, up, up, up, up.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

No, no, no!
Trash, trash, trash.

Up, up, up, up, up, up.
Oh!

Calm down.
You're freaking out.

Ah!

Okay.
Now click "send."

Oh!

Did I do it?
You did it.

Oh!

I love you,
Morgan, baby!

Ow! Ow!

Well, well, well,

it appears I have received
my first official email

from Beverly.

Oh.
Let's open that.

Okay.

Okay, why would
Aladdin allow Jasmine

to degrade him
so publicly?

Oh, my God.
In front of Abu?

That's disgusting.

Oh, Abu's enjoying it.
It's a goof.

Don't send emails like that.
It's inappropriate.

Patients walking around.

Forward it to me,
so I know it's gone.

You got it.

Look, I'm sorry
I messed up the TV thing.

I said nothing.

Hello, Mindy.

Um, hey.

Oh, Danny, I saw your segment
on the news.

Drop dead,
Deslaurier.

No, live TV
can be very difficult.

Okay, that's enough.

I'm just saying,
it is a warm room,

and it's not uncommon
for those to profusely sweat

from underneath
their arms.

I wasn't sweating
profusely.

I would like you
to know

I do have a natural mineral
antiperspirant in my office

that can work wonders
for someone in your situation.

Okay,
there's no situation.

I don't have a situation, okay?
Well...

Danny was great.

Great?
And... yes.

He sweat through maybe four
or five layers of clothing.

It was three.
I had a... it was...

And, yeah, we didn't have some,
you know, fancy cinematographer

like in your
dumb commercial.

Yeah, and it was
really hot in there.

Okay, this is us.

Okay. Well...
Have fun on your lame floor.

With Maria Menounos.

Mindy, why aren't you
answering my texts?

Because you're a dick.

Hey, thanks
for that, min.

Did you just
call me "min"?

No.

Okay, Dan.

It hurts when I pee.

I think what
you're describing, Erica,

is a urinary tract
infection,

and with cranberry juice,
a urinary tract infection

is anything
but intractable.

Fantastic.

And this has been "Mindy's
health minute with Dr. Mindy."

Bye.

Yes!
Good job.

Thank you.

Good job.
Is that what you were trying to do?

'Cause it's so different
from what you did.

Thanks, bets.

That was incredible.

I'm sorry. I learned
so much about my body.

You and me, Dr. Mindy,
we're gonna take it to the top.

Oh, you think so?

Oh, who's that
son of a bitch?

Erica!

What do you have to say for yourself,

puppet beater?

I'm sorry I threw you,
but I gotta get back to work.

Yeah.
Bye, Dr. Reed.

Erica, I thought
that went pretty well.

Me too. And we're gonna be a hit

with all the kids. Well, I would
love that, but you know what?

Bye, Betsy.

I still want to make sure
I have time to see patients.

That's why you're such a good doctor...

You still care.

I do. I really do.

That's Mindy.
Bye-bye.

Go to bed.