The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 9 - Josh and Mindy's Christmas Party - full transcript

Estimated wait time:

3 hours and 20 minutes.

There will be no Wi-Fi access
on the ice.

Josh, I can't.
I can't.

I could faint.
I've been waiting too long.

Please, my blood sugar.

You don't look like the type
of girl that could faint.

- What? What does that mean?
- I--look.

I'm not happy
about this either.

I spent all night
sharpening my skates.

Cut a rib eye
with these things.



ANNOUNCER: There is no divisive
political language on the ice.

- Okay, let's go. Come on.
- Yeah?

Yep, we're leaving.
Executive decision.

Oh, my boyfriend's
an executive.

(Norah Jones)
♪ waited till I saw the sun ♪

So for the next hour,
the Fairview Municipal Rink

is all ours.

Josh, this is incredible.

I don't know
how you did this.

You know what?
Don't even tell me.

Gave the guy a hundo.

Would've gone 250.
Didn't have to.

You don't have to tell me
how much it costs.

It's amazing.
Let's just skate.



(Norah Jones)
♪ I didn't come ♪

♪ I don't know why ♪

- You're good.
- Yeah?

Yeah,
you're pretty good.

I may have practiced.

- Pretty cool, right?
[Laughs] Yeah, really cool.

♪ When I saw
the break of day ♪

[Buzzer]

[2 Unlimited's
Get Ready For This]

Whoa! Okay, okay.

I guess the guy I gave money to
was just some guy.

Oh, it's okay.

As long as I'm with you,
Josh, doesn't matter.

It's still romantic. Oh, God.
Oh, God, they're swarming.

Fellas, I paid
for the time here!

- Can you protect me or something?
- Get off the ice!

Oh, God.
Ah, gah!

Ow.

Ugh!
[Groans]

God.

Still having fun,
right?

[Hip-hop music]

[Woman vocalizing]

♪ ♪

[The Waitresses'
Christmas Wrapping]

♪ ♪

♪ calendar picture,
frozen landscape ♪

So we're just gonna sit here
and listen to Christmas music?

Well, Danny,
we are discussing

the annual
Christmas party,

and I thought it would help
to set the mood.

♪ Would have been good
to go for lunch ♪

I don't need to be
in the mood for things.

I just do 'em.
[Music shuts off]

I didn't mind that.
It was cozy.

All right,
this is our first Christmas

as heads of this practice,

and it is important
that we do it right.

That is why
Josh and I have volunteered

to host the annual
Christmas party at my apartment.

Ooh, mindy,
you know how you get

at Christmas parties.

Last year, you passed out
inside the food drive box.

First of all,
I was just resting there

because I had had a little bit
too much to drink.

Not a defense--just
a description of what happened.

And second of all,
I am not the same person

that I was last year,
all right, guys?

I am a owner
of a small business.

Co-owner.
All of us are, yeah.

And I am
in a stable relationship

with a handsome, wealthy
attorney at law, esquire.

We never even met this guy.

I mean, are we sure
that he's even real?

Maybe he's real
in the same way

that Santa Claus
is real, Danny...

In our hearts.

No, no, no,
he is not real

in the way
that Santa Claus is real.

He is real like I had sex
with him this morning.

Whoa, that's unnecessary.
Okay, that's too much.

Fine, fine.
Yeah, yeah, okay?

Have the party
at your "Hello Kitty" dorm room

with your little boyfriend.

I never go
to the Christmas party anyway.

So...

Does this cover my share?

Hey, Danny,
please don't throw 20s at me

like I'm doing lap dances.

You're a partner here.

The least you can do
is show up to the party.

And, actually,
you should do more,

like contribute something.

You could do
the party playlist.

No, never again.
I did that once,

and I didn't put enough
Rihanna songs on it,

and I'm party Hitler
all of a sudden.

To be clear,
there was no rihanna on it.

It was simply three hours
of listening to...

Jakob Dylan's dad?

Bob Dylan.

Okay...cool.

How about I bring
a gingerbread house?

- Okay, that would be great.
- Perfect.

Guys, this was a great meeting.
Meeting adjourned.

[Holiday music]

Hey,
you look great.

[Doorbell rings]

Great.

♪ Oh,
what a happy time of year ♪

♪ when the little snowflakes
reappear ♪

Oh!

- Hey, Morgan.
- Hey--mm.

Uh, that was unexpected.

You're looking
very Christmas-y.

Yes, I am.

Did you bring karaoke?

Oh, yeah!

Awesome.

Fun fact--

only plays songs
in Spanish

because I found it
in the garbage

behind a Mexican restaurant.

Cool.

♪ It's Christmastime ♪

Shauna! I am so glad
you're here.

Now it's just like
we're at work.

- Hey, Bets.
- Hey, Dr. L.

- Hi!
- Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.
This is my boyfriend,

- Officer Stassen.
- I'm Barry.

- Whoa. Hi.
- Hi.

[Whispering]
He's hot.

[Elevator bell dings]
What the hell are you wearing?

You look very religious.

- I mean, you're not gonna dress like
this at work, right? - Oh, no.

We have, like, a level
of cool at the office

that I want you to...

Oh, my God.

- Hey.
[Laughs] - Hi!

I didn't even know
you were gonna show up

at the party,
let alone bring

the most beautiful
gingerbread house

I've ever seen.

Oh...Thanks.

It's my take on
the Hansel and Gretel cottage.

I love it.

Cool.
I made it myself, so...

I just--I came to just
drop it off,

then I got to split.

No, you're not
going anywhere.

You're, like,
cool to me now...

I mean, until you
say something weird.

No, no.
You have to stay for a drink.

All right,
I'll have one drink.

Cool. Sure.

Hey, hey,
that's not for eating.

Well, it's too small
for living in, isn't it?

It's so beautiful, Danny.

What's everybody
looking at?

[Rihanna's Rude Boy]

♪ ♪

He looks like an example photo
at the barbershop.

♪ Come here, rude boy,
boy, can you get it? Get it? ♪

♪ come here, rude boy,
boy, is you is enough? ♪

♪ take it, take it, baby ♪

Damn.

♪ Take it, take it,
love me, love me ♪

This is Josh.

Everyone, everyone,
this is Josh, my boyfriend.

Yep, he's really real.

He's not fake,
as some of you would say.

Honey, look over to the side,
so they can see you.

Okay, all right.

You don't know this,
but the insulation's

made of cotton candy, so...

Oh, everybody's looking
at some guy.

Hey.
Are you heading out already?

Yeah, I got to go meet up
with someone.

Ooh.

You're not the only one
dating somebody.

Yeah, I can see that.

Wait, wait, before you go,

you have to tell me
a little bit about her.

What is she like?
Female you?

[Sighs]
No, not at all.

Oh, she sounds cool.

Hey.

I'm sorry.
It came out wrong.

Uh-huh.

Thank you so much
for coming, Danny.

- I didn't think you were gonna show up.
- You're welcome.

You are released
for your hot date.

Thank you.

Oh, God, two messages.
I hope it's not a delivery.

- Can you help me find my coat?
- Yeah, okay.

- You have two unheard messages.
- you hiding it?

Yeah, Danny,
I'm hiding your coat.

(Woman) Hi, Josh.
How's San Antonio?

I'm just lying here
in bed without you.

I can't wait
till you're back home.

Love you.
[Smooches]

I don't think
that's your phone.

Don't play it again.

(Woman) Hi, Josh.
How's San Antonio?

I'm just lying here
in bed without you.

I can't wait
till you're back home.

Love you.
[Smooches]

Mindy, don't jump
to conclusions.

You don't know
the whole situation.

The situation, Danny,
is that my boyfriend

- is cheating on me.
- Now, come on.

The--the lying in bed,
the whole San Antonio of it all.

There's
a million different--

Yep, he cheated on you.

Okay, uh, Danny,
you should head to your party

because, uh, I'm gonna go murder
my boyfriend.

You will probably read about it
in the New York Post tomorrow.

The headline
will probably be a pun

on the word "slay."

No, whoa.
No, no, no, no, no.

You got to play it cool.
You got to play--

- I don't want to play it cool.
- Mindy, play it cool.

You go out there right now--
listen to me, listen to me.

- Yeah.
- You go out there right now,

you make a big scene,

you're gonna ruin
your Christmas party.

- Danny, who cares?
- The staff cares.

Just get
through the party

and work it out
with Josh later, okay?

Don't play it again.

[Singing in Spanish]

♪ ♪

I put up posters
all over my neighborhood,

but no one has claimed it.

Should I turn it in
to the police?

Betsy, my two cents--

you've done
your civic duty.

Keep the umbrella.

You see, Shauna,
this is the type of girl

that you should be
hanging out with.

[Giggles]

(Jeremy)
I don't understand how you can
drink so many energy drinks.

It's not a problem, as long
as you drink a glass of milk...

- Milk.
- Every three hours.

Yeah, keeps your heart
from exploding.

My theory. Hi.

Hey, babe.

Easy, babe.

That's my lucky shirt
for clients' paternity hearings.

Eight for ten
in this puppy.

- Nice.
- I'm so sorry, Josh.

I know when you have
something really nice,

you wouldn't want
to wreck it.

Well, that's one way
of putting it.

- Mm-hmm.
- Kind of a weird way.

How's everybody doing?
Good? Mindy?

We good?
So good.

Great.

Josh, did you know

that Jeremy and I
used to have a thing?

(Danny)
Oh, God.

Uh, no.
Didn't know that.

- Oh, big-time.
- Okay.

One night,
he came over and, um,

right here
on this kitchen island.

- I'm just saying.
- Okay, all right.

Yeah, I'm gonna...

Go check out
the dessert "staish."

- Okay.
- See you, Josh.

Yep. Don't you find
that interesting?

It's not interesting.

Josh is so cool, Mindy.

He offered to take me
Nascar riding.

Mm-hmm.
I know how to pick 'em.

[Singing off-key in Spanish]

♪ ♪

[Applause]

(Woman) Hi, Josh.
How's San Antonio?

I'm just lying here
in bed without you.

Okay, I'll see you in a bit.
Sorry I'm late.

Hi, Josh.

- How's San Antonio?
- Oh, God.

- I'm just lying here...
- Hey!

In bed without you.

What the hell
are you doing?

- Get away from me.
- Hey, no.

Just get
out of here, Danny.

It's not any
of your business, all right?

This is my phone.
Just give me the--

it's not yours!
Give me the phone.

Okay. Okay?
You can't just keep doing this.

All right.
Fine, fine.

Oh, my God, you dialed her.
You dialed her!

Uh... No, talk to her.
Talk to her.

- You talk to her.
- No, you talk to her!

- Hello?
- Hello?

- Hello?
- Hello?

Why are you sleeping
with my boyfriend?

- What?
- Find out.

- Uh, hi, sorry.
- Find out.

Some crazy woman just
entered my flower shop.

- I'm not crazy.
- And she thinks

I'm sleeping
with her boyfriend.

- What?
- Oh.

Well, are you?

Uh...Yes.

And that's
a bad thing, right?

- What are you saying?
- Well, obviously.

Hey, why are you calling
from Josh Daniels' phone?

Because he's a stupid son
of a bitch, that's why!

Wait, who is?

Um, I am a son of a bitch.

Look, this guy Josh
entered into my barbershop.

- Flower shop.
- Flower shop.

And--and then
I stole his phone.

Um, can--let me
ask you a question.

- How do you know Josh?
- Yes.

Well, I'm not going
to tell the gay philanderer

- who robbed him.
- Okay!

Hi,
do you want to tell me

a little bit
about how you know Josh?

Just because I would--

I'd love to get
his phone back to him.

Sure.
Josh is my boyfriend.

Ah...I'm sorry.

Josh is not your boyfriend.
Josh is my boyfriend.

What?
Okay, who the hell are you?

I'm Mindy Lahiri, M.D.,
you stupid bitch!

Okay, sorry. Sorry about that.
We'll call you back.

I'd like to find out
a little bit more information.

Take a--
Mindy, calm down.

Okay? Look at me.

Take a deep breath,
go back inside,

and you'll deal with this
another day, okay?

Everything's gonna be fine.
I promise.

- That's good advice.
- Are we cool?

- We're cool.
- Give me a hug.

- Okay.
- It's all good.

- Not tonight.
- Yeah, okay. Yeah.

Hey, Mindy.
Mindy. Mindy.

Mindy!

Don't go up there.

[Sighs]
[Door closes]

A little bit,
there's three different things--

- Hey, babe.
- Hey.

I can't reach something
in the closet.

- Will you help me?
- Sure.

Is this real,
or is this, like, code

for some mid-party
delight?

What do you think?

'Cause I have been drinking.

So it might take me
a little longer

to get the old lawnmower
started, but...

It will function.

Hey, Josh...

How's San Antonio?

I'm just lying here
in bed without you.

I can't wait for you
to come back home.

Love you.
[Smooches]

Oh, God.

Who is she, Josh?

How did you find out?

You left your stupid phone
in my phone charger,

- and I thought it was mine.
- This is not what it looks like.

I promise.

Why do you have
a bowling ball?

Couple years ago,

I joined a league
of all-female OBs.

The name of our team
was storks and strikes,

like "Stars and Stripes."

It was clever.
Josh, who is she?

She's an ex!

She's almost an ex.

We started dating,
like, a year ago,

and I tried to break up
with her.

I did,
a couple times.

But then her dog started
having these kidney issues,

and when a dog
has kidney issues--

- I'm sorry, a year ago?
- Yeah, a year, year and a half, tops.

We haven't been dating
that long.

Are you telling me that
she's not the other woman,

I am the other woman?

No, I wouldn't put it
that way.

This is horrible.

You are horrible.

Please fake a work emergency
and get out.

Oh, here,
and you have a message

from your
credit card company.

Early fraud warning.

I'm only now realizing
the irony of that.

[Indistinct chatter]

Everyone say
good-bye to Josh.

He has to go
immediately, so...

Ohh.
Yeah.

Yeah.
Big sports emergency.

Kobe Bryant
has been shot.

(All) What?
- No, it's fine.

- Kobe Bryant is a famous
basketball player. - Yeah.

- He'll probably never
play basketball again. - No.

- Oh, no, wait a second.
- Yeah.

It--it's fine.

Is he going to live
through the night?

It's touch and go.
Gonna be fine.

Then you are gonna
stay here...

Appreciate it.
I appreciate it actually.

He wishes he could,
but he has to help kobe.

Gotta go.
Mindy's Christmas speech!

[Applause]
Morgan...

The Bryant family
needs Josh right now.

(Morgan) Phil Jackson
can help the Bryants.

I want you to personally
guarantee me

you will stay
for this speech.

You're gonna love it.
Say yes, Josh.

(All)
Come on.

Come on, Josh.

Yeah.

Oh, boy, he's in!

[Applause]

Ahem!

Joan of Arc,
Eleanor Roosevelt,

Margaret Meade...

Are all literally scum

compared to the woman that's
about to take this microphone.

I call her the thunder
from down under.

Give it up
for Dr. Mindy Lahiri!

[Cheers and applause]

No, no, get up
on the stage--

the stairs right here.
Everyone can see you.

- I think someone's a little shy.
- I'm not shy.

You're a little shy.

Let's give her
another round of applause.

[Applause] Please
stand on the stairs.

There you go.
Gotta get a good seat.

Is this high enough?

I think
that's great.

Um, "Thank you all
for attending..."

Please speak up.
Share your voice.

"Josh and my Christmas party.

"Josh came into my life
this year

"as...

"kind of
my own Christmas miracle

"because...

[Voice breaking]
"I wasn't expecting it,

"and I didn't think
I deserved it.

"With the warmth
that I feel in this room,

"it is like
you are all my coziest...

and softest blanket."

Come on, this is
the worst Christmas speech

I've ever heard.
Come on.

Christmas speech.

That's an important thing,
right?

- Yes!
- Yeah!

Big deal.
Title of this speech

is "I love you guys so much,
I can't even deal."

- Ohh.
- Oh, boy.

Okay, "Thank you all
for attending"

Josh
and my Christmas party."

Okay, let's--
let's just keep this...

Uh, "and in that spirit,
we could all gather close"

and join Han--"
I'm not gonna--

I'm not saying that.

Join hands? Okay.
No, don't join hands.

Yeah, let go.
Uh, skipping down.

How many pages
you got here?

[Chuckles tearfully]
Um, like, eight or nine pages.

Eight or nine.

Yeah, that's a lot
for a, uh, party.

- I had a lot to say.
- Yeah. Well, that's good.

I love that.
That's great.

Okay.
I'm gonna just, uh...

Should I go
to the conclusion?

"In, uh, in conclusion,

"to paraphrase
another great woman of color,

"Mariah Carey,

"'all I want for Christmas...'

"gesture to the crowd...

'is all of you.'"

okay? Ohh. I love you.

[Applause]

Thanks.
You all right?

- Who's Mindy?
- Heather?

Yeah!

I'm here to meet
your mistress, Josh.

How did you know
I was here?

I used
the phone tracker app.

We have the same password,
remember?

You share a password?

Damn right we do.

It's our dead dog's name.

You co-owned a dog,
Josh?

- Come on. Now, wait.
- The kidney dog?

She knows
about Princess Buttercup?

Princess Buttercup is the name
of your dog, Josh?

- Come on--
- Great!

Now I have to change
my password!

Oh, my God.
Oh, my G--

- Oh, my God.
- Do you have a key necklace?

Okay, she has
a key necklace, everyone,

except hers is encrusted
in diamonds,

and mine
just features diamonds.

Danny, did you see that?

Okay, so this
is where you've been

on all those last-minute trips
to Sacramento...

Shacking up in the village

with some
chubby Indian girl!

(All) Whoa! Excuse me?

(Danny)
That's not cool.

- I will kill you.
- No, you're not gonna kill her.

- I will kill you in my house.
- That's not called for.

- Okay, lady?
- I will go to prison for life.

You sound familiar.

You--you are
that philandering gay florist!

Yeah!
So what if he is, all right?

At least he's not
some psychotic monster bitch

who crashes a party
and calls a hostess chubby

when she's not!

She's just normal
American woman size.

- And healthy. - All right, this
is a culture of anorexia,

- starting right here.
- Oh, I'm so sorry I flew off the handle

when I found out
that my boyfriend of two years

is cheating on me!

What? Two years?

Way to go, Josh.

Wait.
Now, it's two years

since we met.

You ruined my life.

Well, you ruined
my party, okay?

This is my home.

Oh!
What about my home?

You're a home wrecker!

[All shouting]

What are you doing?

Hey!

Whoa! Whoa!

What is wrong with you?

Nothing.
I'm just fine.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Just gonna wash up!

That's fine,
put more water on the floor

'cause it was dirty anyway.
Josh, come here.

I was just feeling
kind of horny.

Ew!
Oh, that's not gonna help.

Oh, you know what?
We do that too,

except we--
we do it naked.

This is a family affair.

You cannot talk like that.

[Overlapping shouting]
Don't--don't throw--

That was amazing.

Oh, look.

Another home I can wreck.

(All)
No, no...

Not the house!

Please--
no, no, no!

[All groan]

- Not the house!
(All) No!

Hey, you know what?
I was wrong.

Hey, hey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Just get down there.
Get down!

I said
I was sorry!

- Eat a pretzel!
- Aah!

The bummer is,
under different circumstances,

you two
would've totally hit it off.

My eyes! I can't see! I'm sorry!

Take her down, Stass!

[Overlapping shouting]

That's enough. That's enough!
That's enough!

- I can handle this, Morgan.
- Yeah.

You know
what trespassing is, right?

Yeah, I've been charged
with it, like, five times.

Not you.

I just think

that everyone at this party
needs to know

this woman sleeps
with other people's boyfriends.

- Okay, no, that was you.
- Not true.

Actually, uh...

Technically, she is right.

I thought
she was the mistress,

but in fact,
I am the mistress.

You honestly
didn't know about me?

I swear I didn't know.

I guess it was
too much to ask

that I have a great,
monogamous boyfriend

and that I throw
a great Christmas party,

but them's the breaks.

I'm feeling
a little tuckered out,

so I'm gonna just, uh,
call it a night.

Make sure that you take
a gift bag on your way out.

Do me a favor, though.

Just cut Josh's face
out of the--the bag.

It's no longer applicable.

I'm gonna go drink
some, uh, cough syrup,

and I'll see you
in the new year's.

Right here.
Right--right here.

[Gasps] You need to cool out
for a little bit, mama.

You're too hot.

I'll handle--
I'll watch her.

- You take five.
- Okay.

Gee, you're strong.

[Last Christmas plays]

[Door closes]

♪ ♪

[Crying]
What?

Can't a guy sit?

Please go.

I thought my presence
would be comforting.

- Not really.
- No?

You have this rattle
when you breathe.

Sorry.

I-I just didn't want you
to be by yourself.

We should leave.

I'm sure Dr. Lahiri
wants to be alone.

Everybody, stop.

You can't leave.
Betsy!

When your turtle
got salmonella,

who pumped his stomach out
with a little straw?

Dr. Lahiri.

Shauna, when you wanted
to wear

short, tight-fitted skirts
to work,

who told you to be yourself
and go for it?

- Dr. Lahiri.
- Wait. What?

Morgan...

Where would you be
without Mindy?

I'd be working
at that fake Popeyes

on Queens Boulevard.

Exactly.

Mindy has always been there
for us,

now we're going
to be there for her.

Betsy, gloves.

Shauna, apron.

Morgan, spatula,
stat.

You're gonna be okay, little guy.
Thanks, doc.

- I'm talking to the house, Morgan.
- Yeah.

I thought I'd made progress,
but I was wrong.

No one will ever love me.

I'm such a loser.
I'm back to zero.

No, no.
Come on.

Stop crying.

- Buck up.
- Danny! Danny! Stop hitting me!

When you're sad,
you're supposed to cry.

Look, you're never gonna get
to a place

where bad things
don't happen to you.

You handled this
pretty well tonight...

Well, not that well,

but a lot better than you
would've when I first met you.

That's progress
right there.

And I know
you're gonna meet some guy,

and--and whoever
that guy is...

He's not getting
a terrible deal out of it.

Danny...

If we're still single
in five years

and we haven't
found anybody,

can we make a pact...

That we will kill
each other?

Yeah.
Absolutely.

♪ But the very next day ♪

♪ you gave it away ♪

♪ you gave it
away ♪

Hey, Mindy!

Oh, grab a drink.

Thank you.

I can't believe
you guys stayed.

Get this arm out.
There you go--ohh!

I'm handcuffed,
so it's not gonna come off.

Yeah, just...

I don't know if the frosting
is load-bearing.

What?

You know what, man?
Thank you.

I appreciate it.

It looks really beautiful.

Danny, does it remind you
of your broken home?

Listen, is anybody else sick
of this Christmas music?

Can we just do some--
just karaoke?

Oh, doc, that only
plays music in español.

[Ritchie Valens'
La Bamba plays]

Oh, perfect.

Or should I say, perfecto?
Whoa.

♪ Para bailar la bamba ♪

Let's go.

♪ Para bailar la bamba ♪

♪ se necesita
un poquito de gracia ♪

Everybody dance.

♪ Un poquito de gracia
y otra cosita ♪

♪ y arriba y arriba ♪

♪ y arriba
y arriba ♪

♪ por ti sere, por ti sere,
por ti sere ♪

Come on, everybody!

♪ Bamba, bamba ♪

Everybody!

♪ Bamba, bamba ♪

That's right.

♪ Bamba, bamba ♪

(Man)
Go to bed.