The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 10 - Mindy's Brother - full transcript

The new year means

putting the previous year's
mistakes behind you,

like the
slightly-less-than-graceful way

you handled
your ex-boyfriend's wedding...

Ahh!

Or the fact that the world

is hell-bent on turning you
into a cat lady...

Ew!
What the hell?

Disagreements with your best friend

or discovering that
your perfect blond boyfriend

is a lying, gross snake
with a long-term girlfriend,



making you the mistress.

But the new year is a chance

to wipe the dry erase board
of life clean,

and start over,

unless some idiot
has used a permanent marker.

Ugh, new year's resolution number one:

Stop undercutting my analogies.

Resolution number two:
Meet a guy.

Uh, maybe we'll start
with resolution number three:

Get a new look.

Come on.

Moving on to
resolution number four:

Get in shape.

Yup.



Those dancers, they had
clearly practiced that routine

for many weeks before I arrived,

and I just spent $800
on a stupid grandpa suit.

The murderer--
Well, you know what?

The murderer could've been a dream,

because afterwards,
Taylor swift was there,

and she was, uh, pushing me
around the city in a stroller.

Okay, look, I know
ever since Josh cheated on you,

you see the world
as a scary place, but--

Wait!
Are you barfing?

Gwen, stress barfing

is a natural reaction to realizing

that you are surrounded by liars
with secret girlfriends.

Okay, you can't live in fear, Mindy.

Wait, Alex? Are you guys
hanging out without me?

Alex? Alex who?
Rodriguez?

Yeah?
Terrible save.

Do I look or sound
like a baseball player?

Okay, Mindy, listen.

We're sorry, but you can get mad at us.

All you ever do lately
is just bury yourself

in your work and hide in your apartment.

Actually, I can,

because my apartment is the only place

that I feel safe right now.

I have food, I have alcohol,

I have 600 channels, and none
of them want to hurt me.

Oh, my God.

I think my apartment has been robbed.

Robbed?

The burglar's still in my house.

Gwen, I want an all-black choir
at my funeral.

Hey!
Get out of here!

Okay, disable his groin!

Rishi!

Hey, guys.

Yeah, it's not a murderer.
It's just my little brother.

Rishi, what are you doing here?

What are any of us doing here?

Hey,
do not be a smartass, all right?

You nearly gave me a heart
atta--Damn it, Rishi.

Do you know how long it took me
to get rid of my Boston accent?

A wicked long time, you fartknocker.

How did you get in here?

Your landlord let me in.

You know, a well-spoken Indian
can get into anywhere he wants.

I once got myself on the field
at a Redskins game,

and I met Leon Panetta.

Oh, okay, well, shouldn't you be
back in school by now?

Oh, my God.
Did my tuition check bounce?

Sometimes, they don't take those
hunger game checks seriously,

but I get such good Mockingjay points.

Relax, Mindy, all right?

School doesn't start for a week,
and I was just getting

so bored hanging out
with mom and dad, you know?

Massachusetts is...

The worst.

Yeah, name one exciting thing
that ever happened in Concord.

Aw, I can't stay mad at you.

Look at you, you're, like,
the Indian Justin Timberlake.

Thanks.
You're awesome.

I am going to take you
for sushi tonight.

Morning, Dr. L.

Uh, whoa, whoa, Shauna, Betsy,
please stop undressing

my baby brother with your eyes,
little cradle robbers.

You don't have to.

Guys, this is Rishi.

Hi.
Morning.

Come here.
Hey, Morgan, Morgan.

Stop cracking his back.

His spine wasn't aligned.

His spine is perfect.
Now...it is.

What is college like, Rishi?
Um--

Is it all food fights?

He doesn't really have time
to get into food fights, Betsy,

because he is going
to be the future valedictorian

of Stanford university.

Wow. Oh.
Whoa.

Guys, I might have the curves,
but he ruins the curves.

Did you understand what I meant by that?

You had to listen to this
for twenty years, huh?

You're a braver man than I, Gunga Din.

I mean, not Gunga Din, the, uh--
the other guy, Cary Grant.

How's it going, man?
What's up?

Associates, a word?

Go study, Rishi.

Are you wearing arm garters?

When I do office accounting, Danny,

I try to look the part.

Okay, we've got terrible news here.

They've doubled our rent.
Doubled it?

Why would the landlord do this?

George has always been so nice to us.

Remember when his wife died?

He gave me all her old bras.

We're gonna have to move the practice.

Okay, okay, I just saw
a vacancy for a place

next to a laundromat back in Staten.

Good people out there,

plus a blast
of good-smelling air all day.

What do you think?

I will not work in Staten Island.

I will not take a boat to work
like I am in the Vietcong.

You in?

Wow, let's move you out of range

of my expensive table,
which is from Sweden.

Yep, just calm down.

I'm fine. I'm fine.
Just calm down.

Your back is so sweaty.

You're stressed out.
Your brother's here.

Your breaking out with zits.

Jeremy and I will handle
the whole rent issue, okay?

Oh, thank you.

Can we get you anything?
Yes.

Some ginger ale would be nice.
Some ice chips.

Uh, three magazines,
celebrity-driven.

Um, none of the Twilight kids
on the cover.

I'm over that.

♪ Here we go

♪ Shauna, you from Jers,
and your style's unbelievable ♪

♪ like meadow soprano ran around
billing accounts receivable ♪

No way!
Yeah!

I also do accounts payable.

♪ Betsy, you make scheduling sex

♪ more ice around your neck
than underneath Wayne Gretzky ♪

I love ice.

Oh, my God.

Yo, do me.

Morgan, chief nurse, phlebotomy.

All right.

♪ Phlebotomy gotta be
a lot of blood, snot, and pee ♪

♪ my dude is primo
when he's drawing that hemo ♪

♪ he found that vein
like that fish found Nemo ♪

Oh!
Yeah.

Al Brooks killed that, right?

Rishi, you are incredible, okay?

And I know music.

In prison, I was exposed to all kinds:

Rap, Nazi rock,
white Muslim ska--

I guess music really runs in the family.

When I was running
for ninth grade treasurer,

I did a little rap as my speech.

♪ If we balance our budget
in a responsible way ♪

♪ then we can bring back a pizza day ♪

Yeah, that's my sister.
Yeah, it wasn't that good.

I am so glad that you like my music.

Of course, you're so good.

All right, well,
I got something to tell you.

I am moving to New York
to pursue it full-time.

Excuse me?

I was afraid to tell you,

but I guess I was just waiting
for the right time.

Why would now be the right time?

Well, you can't yell at me
in front of your co-workers.

Wanna bet, Rishi?

I will yell at you
in front of my co-workers

when you make a stupid decision like that.
Mindy--

What are you talking about, Rishi?

Look, it's just that college...
Hmm?

Ain't really my steez right now.

I'm sorry, the reason
you're dropping out

is because it's not your "steez"?

What is a steez, anyway?

Okay, relax, everyone.

Steez has multiple meanings--
"style with ease,"

"one's overall sense
of being."

It can also mean the actor Steve Zahn.

Hey, enough!

Look, Mindy?

I'm dropping out of college,
and I'm going to be a rapper.

Rapping is a hobby.

Do you think I would
just throw my life away

simply because I'm good
at naming celebrity couples?

Like, for instance,
I coined "sawychols,"

which is Diane Sawyer
and the director Mike Nichols.

- Oh, that's pretty good.
- Excuse me.

Mindy.
Mindy!

Danny, my parents are going

to flip out when they hear about Rishi.

Do you know what it's like
for Indian immigrants

to have their son drop out of college?

It's like if Oscar Meyer's son
was a vegetarian.

Cut him off. That's what I did
to my little brother.

No, Danny, I don't think
I can cut him off.

I'm not good at that.

Remember that time I bailed
my own mugger out of jail?

And then I bought him a sport coat,

so he could go
on job interviews.

Doctor, doctor.

Witch doctor.

Oh, you joke,

but the persecution
of midwives as witches

is a tragic historical fact.

Oh, boohoo-hoo,
Deslaurier.

Midwife Margaret Jones

was hanged for witchcraft,
Charleston, 1648.

She was the subject

of my injustice studies thesis at Brown.

Oh, that's mature.

I'm actually not doing
"Gag me with a spoon,"

although that is hilarious.

This is related to my stress barfs.

Stress-induced nausea.

I can help you with that.
Hot stone therapy.

God.

Uh, yeah,

like I'm gonna let you put hot stones

all over my body, you pervert.
Yeah, man.

She's not gonna let you
touch her with hot rocks.

Stones.

Stones are baby rocks.

Well, pebbles are baby rocks, actually.

And the grand canyon
is one giant rock. Who cares?

Well, it's actually the lack of rock

that makes it a canyon, but...

Yeah, it's a--
Not to split hairs.

Okay, I'm not an expert in
sediment and geology, all right?

I can't do that in addition
to being an expert

in women's reproductive health, okay?

I can't do that, and ba--

Would you stop--
Okay, all right.

All right now.
Let's get you out of here.

Out of the way, Sharon.

Hey, how's it going? We're
from Shulman and Associates.

Just need to talk
to somebody about our rent.

Is George around?

'Sup?
I'm Mike, his son,

as in George Mankin and Son Properties.

My dad's moved on.

God, I'm so sorry.
My condolences.

Nothing to condole, brah.

I said that misleadingly,
and you fell for it.

It's a way to show dominance
at business meetings.

Okay, look, if you're dad's alive,

we need to talk to him, so where is he?

Put him in a home in Queens.

Yeah, he started to get dementia.

Dementia?
Since when?

Since he started charging
you dorks that low-ass rate.

Okay, first of all, we're not dorks.

We're not--
No.

No, and second of all,
your dad's a great guy, man,

and he'd never go for this.

Would he go for this?

Okay, okay.
Come on.

Are you kidding me?
Come on.

I'm gonna knock you out.

Danny, Danny, Danny, whoa.

Danny, why don't we go
and visit George tomorrow,

persuade him of some things.

Maybe he'd appreciate our company.

You know, get crafty, Danny.

No, I don't wanna get crafty.

Just move out of the way,
so I can knock this guy out.

No, no, no.
Stop shooting at us!

Danny, Danny, Danny,
my family has a saying--

Okay, that nearly got me in the eye.

I am seeing
a 3-D movie tonight.

If my experience is hampered
by this nerf nonsense,

I will send you a bill,
and I will expect you to pay it.

Oh, my God!

Wait, it's cool.
I got drawers on.

No, that bubble bath is $68 a bottle.

And worth every penny.

All right, all right.
What are you doing?

Well, I tried writing rhymes
in the shower,

but my notebook kept getting wet.

Can you please, please just wait
till you graduate college

before you pursue this rap stuff?

Mindy, I really appreciate your support,

but hip-hop
is notoriously ageist, okay?

Lil Wayne, Lil' Flip,
Young Jeezy, Young Buck--

but what about that man
Ol' Dirty Bastard?

He seems to be doing pretty well.

He's dead.

All right, look, Rishi.

Clearly, I have spoiled you,

and you have completely lost track

of what is important in life.

What's important to you, okay?

This is important to me,

so why don't you just skedaddle on out

and let me soak up
some of these righteous rhymes.

I'm sorry,
skedaddle from my--

bounce.

Come on!
This is a joke, right?

Sorry, Rishi.
Tough love.

Okay, it is really cold outside,
and your hair is wet,

so please wear this hat,

and there is a couple of bucks
on this metrocard.

'Cause I can't give you
any money, but just use that.

Mindy!

Mindy, we came from the same uterus!

I tough love you!

Daniel!

George.
How you doin'?

Jeremy.
How are you, sir?

It is so good to see you two.

I don't see much of anyone since
my son put me in this dump.

Yeah.

Kid's a real piece of work.

He jacked up our rent
sky-high,

and we were hoping that maybe

you could go over there and talk to him.

If there's anything you could do.

Well, I'd love to help, fellas,

but I just don't have it in me
to stand up to Mike.

This place just weakens the spirit.

It's so, so lonely.

Uh, George,

why don't you get out there and
cut a rug with that one, huh?

Come on.
She's a hot dish.

Esther?

Yeah, you old dog.
Do yr magiou.

No chance.

That Manny's always dominating her time,

won't let anyone else take a shot.

You know, George, if we help you
with your problem,

maybe you could help us with ours.

You boys would do that?
Of course.

What does Manny have
that you don't have?

Lub-dub. Lub-dub.

Hey, Morgan, do you get the test
results for Mrs. Baxter?

Damn, I got a dope heartbeat.

Mm.

Rishi, what are you doing here?

Morgan, explain yourself.

Look, he believed in me
when you wouldn't, okay?

He let me sleep
in his grandma's bedroom.

No, you were supposed to sleep
on the couch.

- Look, the point is
I am Reazy-Peazy's biggest fan. - Yeah.

Yeah, he owns all my CDs.
I bought all 20 copies.

Rishi, this rap stuff,
it is not a real lifestyle.

Just give me one aspect
of your life that I should copy.

I di--
What'd you say?

Whoa.
Are you okay?

People like my sense of style.

Oh, no, no, no, in there.

That is gr--
Look--

I have a really important rap battle

I need to prepare for, all right?

And I need to find a rhyme
for "estranged sister."

We have to keep talking
about this, Rishi--

Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Stop, stop, stop!

"Deranged blister."

It's not bad.
It could work.

Okay, I'll take Esther.
You take Manny.

What? I'm not gonna beat up
an old man.

Don't beat him up, Danny.

Charm him.
Watch.

Okay.

Excuse me, sir.
There's an emergency.

If I don't dance with this
exquisite creature immediately,

I may die.
Oh, my!

Hey, hey.

It's okay, man, just one dance.

It's an emergency.

Brits!
Right?

I mean, how many times
did we save their butts?

And they still think they own the world.

Right.

They're lucky they're not eating
fish and sauerkraut.

Esther, you smell incredible.

What is that perfume?
Is that French?

Actually, it's Italian.
Fabreezie.

So is there anywhere to eat around here?

Oh, I'll take you to the kitchen.

Wait a minute, let me get my cane.

We'll have some ice cream.
Sounds good.

Esther, I have a confession to make.

I'm not actually here on my own behalf.

I knew it.

You're selling cemetery plots.

No.

My friend has a crush on you.

George?

Manny's gone. Go to him.

Chloe Silverado.

Yes, that's, um--
that's me.

I am such a mess

that I have stooped to coming to you

to rub hot stones on my body.

Well, you've made a wise choice,
Ms. Silverado.

Follow me.

Uh, Brendan,
it's actually--it's Mindy.

It's Mindy from downstairs.
Yeah, I know.

Sorry I didn't take off all my clothes.

Didn't ask you to.

Yeah, bet you would've loved that.

Okay, this works better
if you don't talk.

Fine.
Okay, here we go.

What?

Brendan, that is so cold.

Well, we actually use a combination

of hot and cold stones,
so--

Okay, well, then, advertise it

as "Hot and cold stone treatment."

I don't deliver someone's baby

and then instead remove their spleen.

Okay.
This one's hot.

It's not that hot.

No, you're right.
It--it is warm.

I thought it was going to
be hotter, so I was surprised.

Can we try a small one now?
Yes.

Okay, here we go.

What could possibly be wrong?
What?

Just that was accurate.
What you described is accurate.

And that sort of surprised me a little.

Okay, what would make you
feel more comfortable?

Just stone me.

Sky done, mountains needed.

I'm worried about Manny.

I mean, he just--
he fell asleep in his ice cream.

I just walked away.
He'll be fine.

Oh.

Here come the lovebirds.

You guys were just watching
Charlie Rose, right?

One way of putting it.

Thanks, fellas, and don't worry.

I'm going to talk to my son
about your rent...

That's awesome.

Uh, the first chance that Esther

lets me come up for air.

Hey! Get away from my wife!

What?

You never mentioned that Manny
was Esther's husband.

I must have forgot.

I'm gonna kick your ass!

Now, wait, she is tired of you!

She wanted to hear some Korean
war stories for a change.

That was a man's war.

Well, I'll show you--
What the--?

Oh!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You, tricking a war veteran,
you crafty bastard!

No, I'm not crafty!
I didn't know, I didn't know!

Okay, are we cool on the rent?
Yeah, yeah.

Manny, I'm sorry
about everything.

Greatest generation.

Well, you're a ball of stress.

Oh, God, Brendan, my brother's dropping

out of college to become a rapper.

Our relationships with our siblings

are often fraught.

Wait, what are you talking about?

You and Duncan are, like, best friends.

Not always.

When I was in college, I read Walden,

and I decided I wanted
to live in the woods

on my own for a year,

and Duncan thought it
was a terrible idea.

Yeah, I agree with Duncan.
That's a huge waste of time.

Well, I headed off into the wilderness

on my own anyway.

Three days later,

I was discovered delirious
and dehydrated,

fighting off yearlings
for access to a doe teat,

but guess who discovered me.

Bootleggers.

Duncan.

See, when your brother stumbles,

as we all do,
it's nice to have someone there

who shares the same blood type.

Oh.
This is all nonsense.

No, no, no, no, no.
Don't, don't.

I'm sorry, Brendan, I mean, you do give

really good advice about brothers.

Great.
This is great.

Oh, God, I am so sorry
about your stones.

Now that they've hit the ground,
they're rocks.

Stones and rocks come from the ground.

Do you take insur--
No, of course not.

♪ She went next door to the store ♪

Rishi!
Rishi!

Look who's here, look who's here.
Mindy, you came?

Yeah, of course,
to support my little brother.

Oh, God, did our fighting
give you the stress barfs?

No, we got bigger problems than that.

Yeah, my backup singer cancelled,

so now, I can't even perform.

Oh, no.

What?

Turn around.
No.

Okay.

Wait, Morgan, that's a great idea.

Mindy, you could sing my hook, right?

Here are the lyrics.

I do love singing, but I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know either.

Morgan, shut up!
How many people are here?

Not that many.
A handful.

Okay, let's see.

There's a lot of people here.

Mindy, don't get--
You're gonna get me st--

Oh, God.
Stop.

You're being judged by a white rapper.

Reesh, I wish that I could sing
your hook for you.

I just--I'm a doctor.
I can't go out there and sing.

I happen to agree with her.

Your sister's a great person,
zero stage presence.

Rishi, I know you wanted a woman
to sing this part,

but I did play Effie White

in the Otisville production
of Dreamgirls.

My cell mate said it was,
"better than solitary."

Always recycle, okay?

Plastic and paper, we need
to save our environment.

See you guys later.

Our next act is out
of Palo Alto, California,

and when my man isn't dropping rhymes,

he's eye-droppin'
experimental medicines

from Stanford's artificial cornea lab.

Y'all put y'all hands together
for Reazy-Peazy!

Mindy, come on.
I gotta go on right now.

I can't do it.
I can't do it.

I'm gonna--
I feel sick.

Do you want the lyrics?

I don't even need the lyrics.
Thank you.

I'm gonna freestyle this.
What?

I'll see you out there.
Rishi, it's gonna be fine.

You're gonna be great.
Go, go, go!

Go!
It's gonna be fine.

Oh!

New York City, how you doing?

That's right.

What's up, Shauna, Betsy,
Dr. C, Dr. Reed?

All right.

♪ Yup

Come on, Rishi!
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh

♪ knock knock ♪ who's there

♪ yo, it's me, Reazy Peaz ♪

♪ give you all what you need,
wannabe MCs ♪

♪ all fall to their knees
while I rap with ease ♪

♪ I'm a brainiac, maniac,
tell me where the ladies at ♪

♪ my flow is critical
clinical, call me medical ♪

♪ the way I play the decibels
put the pedal to metal y'all ♪

♪ style is edible,
my flow is indelible ♪

♪ irrevocably incredible,
I'm telling you ♪

♪ day before yesterday
is when I met Rishi ♪

♪ then I found out
his name is Reazy-Peazy ♪

♪ he is the brother of the doctor I work ♪

Let me finish.
Let me finish.

♪ I tried to crack his back,
that is kind of rude ♪

Rishi, ignore them.
Hold on.

♪ Let me get out my rap

hey.

♪ And I make you sweat

oh, um--
Yeah. Uh, uh.

Yeah.
♪ and I make you sweat

♪ mm, make me sweat

♪ ooh, boy, give me something
that I won't forget ♪

♪ What's my name
♪ Ooh, Reazy

♪ Yeah, what's my name ♪ Ooh, Reazy

♪ Bitch,
what's my name? ♪

Excuse me?
Don't call your sister--

Okay.
All right.

♪ What you need, ma

♪ I got a case of the lonelies ♪

♪ brown Channing Tatum,
why don't you come on and b-- ♪

Okay, I'm not gonna say that
to my brother.

All right.

♪ We gonna do it in the swimming pool ♪

♪ boom, boom, baby girl,
we're gonna shake the room ♪

♪ hold on, short brown,
it's the temple of doom ♪

♪ we goin' long,
'cause it's a marathon ♪

♪ I'm gonna make you sweat, baby girl ♪

♪ so you best wear your thong ♪

♪ yeah, I'll make you sweat ♪

♪ mm, make me sweat

♪ ooh, boy, give me something
that I won't forget ♪

♪ Now, what's my name
♪ Ooh, Reazy

♪ Bitch, what's my name
♪ Ooh, Reazy

♪ What you need, ma

♪ I got a case of the lonelies ♪

♪ brown Channing Tatum,
won't you come on and hold me ♪

♪ and I put my lips, my lips, my lips ♪

♪ my lips, my lips
Yeah, we know.

♪ Every single girl in this bitch ♪
That's too vivid.

Hugging and kissing is fine too.

You're all young,
don't need to go all the way.

Okay, I haven't broken out

mom's saag paneer recipe in a long time,

so please be gentle.

It's gritty.

Yes, I think that is the mac
and cheese powder I used.

I am so happy
you're going back to college.

I'm also happy
that I went to the rap battle.

Me too.

Hey, you have to change your name.

Reazy-Peazy,
it just has no meaning,

and I think that it should be something,

I don't know, that reflects
more of the people in your life

and stuff, like "Little Bro."

No, that's horrible.

How about, like, "Nice Cube"?
Are you kidding?

How about, like,
"MC Smarty-Pants"?

What?

Reesh, I don't know about this dinner.

I think maybe we
should order something good.

Yeah, I was just gonna play with it.

It's not that bad.
Come on.

***.