The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 11 - Bunk Bed - full transcript

Some people might
say that it's cliche

to take a horse-drawn carriage
ride through Central Park,

but I say it's like living
in an Edith Wharton novel.

Or actually like living

in a HBO adaptation
of an Edith Wharton novel,

and, like, Kate Winslet's in it,

and there's, like, boobs and stuff.

Sorry, wait, what was your question?

Where's your favorite pizza place?

And that was, like, 20 minutes ago.

Tonight's been really fun, Mindy.



I almost don't want it to end.

Doesn't have to.

What was that?

Oh, Peanut Butter's getting up in years.

She's a good old girl.

Ain't that right, Peanut Butter?

Peanut Butter, no!

I-I-I can't
lose you, girl.

Oh, my God, that horse
just had a heart attack.

Mindy, you're a doctor.
Do something.

I'm a gynecologist, Evan!

Why don't you
web design him back to life?

Okay. Okay, okay.
The police are here.

We don't have to worry
about this anymore.



Just sit down.

Peanut Butter
is failing, officer.

Don't worry, we're having a great time.

Sir, I think you need
to make the humane decision.

No! You put that gun away.

Okay, we should go to a bar.

Ah!

I'm feeling a little...

Yeah, yeah, uh, rain check.

Maybe you can, um...

call me in a few months.

Yeah, we'll see.

I told him that I think I
have enough refrigerator magnets.

Good morning, team.

You're all three minutes late, but hey,

I'm more laid-back
on Saturdays.

What's with work Saturday,
Dr. C, anyway?

Yeah, last time I'm gonna say it.

Saturdays are for one thing:

Cartoons.

Yeah, Saturday's when I run errands.

Look, I want this practice
to have a competitive edge,

so I'm taking on a few more
patients on the weekends.

But to sweeten the deal,
I brought you breakfast.

Ooh, egg sandwiches and hash browns?

Uh, cheeseburger omelets.

No. No, you eat garbage,
you do garbage work.

Shredded wheats.

It's healthy work fuel,

and it tastes...

Enough.

Enjoy.

Hey, why aren't Dr. Lahiri and
Dr. Reed coming in? Yeah.

Maybe they don't have
the Castellano work ethic.

What's so funny?

This chart.

Okay.

Let's get to work, guys.

Nope, it's...

it's a...

I'm gonna put this in my drawer.

Okay, everybody to work.

Ugh, what is his deal?

All right, come on, guys.

There's only one thing
the lowly worker can count on

to fight back
against the workplace tyrant.

Facebook.

Nope. Booby traps.

What?
No.

Check this out.
Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes, Morgan.
This is a classic.

What are you doing, Morgan?

Oh, my God.
Just watch.

Dr. C is gonna come
out of his office,

and when he does...

What are you doing?

Nothin', nothin'.

You're gonna dump that water on my head?

No.

I was gonna...
Dump it on my head.

Saturday.

Man, Saturdays in
Greenwich are the best.

I love Carl,

but I gotta say
I really like this lineup.

You, me, the kid, waffles.

Carl is actually going
out of town for a week,

and I don't want to stay here.

It's creepy.
I think the house is haunted.

Gwen, this house was built in 2007.

Well...
Oh, you know what?

You should come stay with me
in the city.

There's nothing scary
about my apartment.

I mean, it was the site
of a horrible garment fire,

but that was, like, in 1912.

Do you want to have
a sleepover at Mindy's?

Does that sound fun, Riley?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, yeah, Riley would come.

Okay. That is cool.
Cool beans.

No, no, no.
Not "cool beans."

You forgot about my daughter.

Can you please...

Riley, listen.

Obviously, I want you
to come to the city

with your mother and stay with me.

All right?
We will have so much fun.

Oh, there's that new play at NYU

where the actors start in the audience,

and then they kinda, like,
creep out and scare...

I want a bunk bed.

Yes, okay, all right. I'll get
you...I'll get you a bunk bed.

Are you sure about this?

Of course.

I can do anything as long as
it's just paying for something.

I posted a video to your wall.

Do you like fat cats
that squeeze into small boxes?

Betsy, don't make me unfriend you again.

Oh, my ex Dominic just added four photos

to the album "brunch."

Did you guys not hear
that phone ringing?

Every time I walk by,

you guys are doing your Facebooks.

It's called "Facebook,"
Dr. Castellano.

Myface, tweetster,
hash bags, I don't care.

Are you trying to get it wrong?

No.
URL, webmaster, blogs.

Now you're just saying random words.

Okay, look, the point is I don't
want to see it anymore.

Okay?
No more facebooks.

Facebook.

Good morning.
Shulman and associates.

Yes, it would bring me
great pleasure to connect you.

Dr. Castellano's
such a tyrant.

I mean, this isn't the 1900s,

where you can just oppress your workers

until they get cholera to death.

I guess we'll just have to

go back to using the original Internet.

Magazines.

Time, Newsweek, The Economist.

It's all frikkin' CNN stuff.

Where's People magazine?

I want photos of celebrities
buying groceries in sweat pants.

I haven't seen it, actually.

Derek, have you seen People?

Yeah. People.

No, People magazine.

Oh, that?

Usually one of the doctors steal it.

And the rich get richer.

If you don't quit talking,
I'm sliding my glass.

We're gonna find that magazine.

Go.

Hey, Morgan.
It's Mindy.

From work?
Yeah, Morgan.

From work.
Mindy from work.

I'm sorry, I just...

My neighbor has a cat
whose name is also Mindy.

I...what's going on?

Look, I need you to come here
and help me build a bunk bed.

Okay, I-I'm in.

But it's gonna cost you.

20 bucks and a slice of pizza.

Yeah, sure, that sounds great.

Wait. 10 bucks
and two slices of pizza.

Yeah, fine, fine.
Wait...

Morgan! No! I can't...
No, just come over.

I'm coming. I'm coming right
now. I'm coming right now.

Morgan, here's the bunk bed.

All right.
Yup.

Let me just check.
Sometimes they don't...

Oh, yeah.

You know what? I do think we're
jumping into this too quickly.

Okay, yeah. So let's take a step back.

What...is...a...

bunk bed?
Morgan.

Hey, Morgan.

Where's Morgan?

Okay.

Hey, Morgan.
Hey.

I got
your cran-raspberry juice.

I'm not really sure

why the cran-apple
I got you was "absurd."

Whoa, Morgan,

this looks pretty good.

What about the guy building it?

Hey, you know what?
You look pretty good too.

Mm, suck it, bunk bed.

Nah, that's...

Ah, I'm so psyched.

Thank you!

Hey, Danny.
What are you doing here?

I'm here to take my worker back to work

at the place where he works.

No, Danny...
Morgan, out.

Yeah, sorry, doc.

I, uh, kinda promised Dr. L
I'd help her build this thing.

Okay, let me ask you something.

Doesn't the practice also pay
for your health care?

Dr. Lahiri, best of luck
with the bunk bed.

Morgan, Morgan, we're almost do...Morgan!
I'm sorry.

I cannot go back to Canada
to get my drops.

If I don't have my drops,

I don't even want to say
what will happen.

Ugh, okay, fine, just go.

My urethra will close up.

Morgan...
Gross!

Get out of here!
Morgan, come on.

I think we're on the same page.

Okay.
Get out, get out.

God!

I don't know...
I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Why do you need a bunk bed?

Are you trying to lure marines in here,

so you could hook up with them?

Okay, that's gross.
No, I'm not.

Okay, good.

The only way to get my best
friend to come into the city

was to make a bunk bed for her daughter.

I have a couple hours
before my next patient.

I mean, I could...I could
finish this in a half an hour.

Wait, are you serious?

Sure, there's a certain pride you get

in building something
with your own two hands.

We lost that as a country.

Okay, I don't know about that,
but, Danny, thank you so much.

Where are the directions?

Here you go.

I don't do directions.

Okay, that was a bit much.

Put on some music.

And none of your girly stuff.

This might be challenging,
but I think I know what to do...

Hey, what did I say
about the girly music?

This is the most masculine
Broadway song that I have.

Turn it off.
I ca...

I can't work like this.

Okay, I also have Alan Cumming

reading the audiobook of Lovely Bones.

No.

You got any Zeppelin?

Who?

Do me a favor. Hold this...

Hold this steady down there.
Yup.

Got it?
Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

So what's on tap for your big weekend

with, uh, your friend and the kid?

As a matter of fact,
I made up an itinerary.

An itinerary?

You have to have an itinerary.

That's how you maximize
fun time per hour.

Okay, first, we're getting
dim sum at the golden unicorn.

Obviously.

Okay.
Then we're going

to an underground sample sale
on prince street.

Wait, don't tell anyone.

I'll do my best not to.

Then we're getting microderm facials,

because after a morning like that,

our pores are gonna be a mess.

It's gonna be the best.

And you're bringing
a seven-year-old kid

to all that?

No, she will stay here
and have fun with the bunk bed.

I'm guessing that your friend

might actually want
to spend time with her daughter.

With all due respect, Danny,

you don't know anything about children.

I don't?
No, I mean,

you come from the generation
where the adults just, like,

let the kids do whatever they want,

so they could smoke pot
and go to key parties.

Okay, first of all,
we're from the same generation.

No, we are not,
for the last ti...

Second of all,
I know a lot about kids...

a lot about kids, 'cause I basically

raised my little brother Richie.

You did?
Yeah.

Brothers raising brothers?

That is so catholic, Danny.

I'm sorry, is that offensive to say?

Just get me the Phillips head. Um...

The crisscrossy one.

Why didn't you say that
in the first place?

Dr. Castellano is out
of the office. Come on.

Jackpot.
How ironic.

The guy who hates people reads People.

It's like if I read a magazine
called Mustard On Hot Dogs.

There's something else in the drawer.

It's addressed
to "Christina."

Oh, my God,
that's his ex-wife.

Let's read it.

Eh...

Dear Christina, when I
left for the airport today,

I could only picture two things:

Your gorgeous,
naked body, and...

Should we keep reading?
Yes.

In all seriousness,
if I was a little girl,

this thing would bring me a lot of joy.

Yeah, man. This bunk bed,
it is bangin'.

So you got any food in there?

Can you make me a sandwich or something?

Okay, I do not think that
I have the components for that.

Okay. But I do have some tequila.

And get this:
The bottle...

it is in the shape of a shotgun.

Yeah, let's do that, yeah.
Yeah? Okay.

Hello!

The bunk bed! The bunk bed!

Hey, Mindy. Oh, wow, you did it.

Oh, hey. What's up?
I'm Danny.

Hi. I'm Gwen. This is Riley. Hey.

What's up, Riley?

Are you her boyfriend?

No. Why? You looking for one?
You interested?

No.

Oh, be sweet, honey.

Okay?
Sorry.

Riley, I just wanted to let you know

that I am the best godmother

that you have ever had;
Look at this.

Did you know that, Danny?

I'm her, uh, Godmother.

What's that?

Charles Brando.

Charles Brando?

No, no, no, it's Marlon Brando, okay?

Marlon Brando doesn't sound
like that, he sounds like this:

I'm your godmother.

I'm her godmother.

Chin out with it.

Don't...it's not
about the chin, it's...

it's the whole attitude of it.

I'm her godmother.

I'm her godmother.
I'm her godmother.

I'm her god...
Aah!

Oh, my God, oh, my God!

No matter how hard I try,

I'll never forget the shame I felt

when I found you in bed
with another man.

Can't take it. It's too sad.
Too sad.

Do you want us to stop?
We ain't stoppin'.

Morgan, if you can't handle it, get out.

I can handle it.

No matter how hard I try...

Oh, God.

I'll never
forget the shame I felt

when I found you in bed
with another man.

I can't...I can't...

And I know now

that I'll never be able
to fall in love again.

Look, he even included

a drawing of the child
they never had together.

No wonder Dr. Castellano
can be such a jerk.

He got his heart broken.

You guys, they were
meant for each other.

Dr. Castellano
will be alone forever.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Oh, God. Try to keep it still, okay?

Danny, we are just
a few broken planks away

from me being this kid's mom.
I'm gonna check it out, okay?

Hey, hey.

This house...not equipped
for kids, all right?

I eat cereal out of wine glasses.

Wow! It's all about you.

It's always about you.

I'm just saying.

Okay, how's that feel?

Ow, ow, ow.

Okay, it's definitely a fracture.

Yeah, that thing is broke as hell.

Mommy, are they gonna cut your arm off?

Stop freaking them out, okay?
No, no, no, sweetie.

Everything's okay. They're
not gonna cut her arm off.

But it is serious.

She needs her bone set.

I'm gonna take her to the hospital.

Mindy, you take care of the kid.

Wait, no, Danny.
Hey, Danny, Danny.

Why don't I go
to the hospital with Gwen?

You could stay here
with Riley...

I got Gwen, and we'll
give you a call when we're done.

Okay.
Ready?

I don't...okay.
Gotta keep it still.

Okay, just take a Vicodin
from the bathroom, okay?

The medicine cabinet.
You know where it is.

Sweetie, you stay
with auntie Mindy, okay?

I love you so, so much.

I miss my mommy.

Uh, what are you talking about?

She's, like, basically still here.

But I miss her!

Well, that's irrational 'cause she's...

Barely been gone...

There, there.

There, there.
It'll be okay.

'Scuse me, can I have
some more Vicodin, please?

No, no more Vicodin. You can't...
That's the money slot.

You can't crawl through that, okay?
Oh, God.

Just sit still.

Keep driving, sir, thanks.

Which one are you?

Which one what?

Are you the British guy,

the old guy, or the handsome jerk?

Please, just a little more.
No, no.

A little, baby Vicodin... No,
there's no Vicodin in there.

You just gotta keep
your arm still, okay?

Okay.

Handsome jerk's got you.

You didn't want to do any of my dares,

and you said that my truths were boring.

What else can we do?

Tell me a story.

Oh, man, can the TV tell you a story?

Okay.

Thank you. All right,
this is gonna be good.

This is gonna be really, really good.

Oh, great.

The Dust Bowl, a film by Ken Burns.

You're going to love this.
I hate it here!

I'm going to my room.

Wait, that's my room.

Hey, do not go through my drawers.

Especially the top one.

Okay, Gwen, my friend Jordan's
on call. He's a great doctor.

He's gonna take care of you, okay?
Okay, okay.

She's with me, okay?
Just bring her in.

Hi.
Thanks.

I'll be out here waiting for you, okay?

Did anybody just see that?

I know a guy named Jordan too.

Can I just skip the line?

Unbelievable.

Excuse me?

Well, first, you cut everybody,

and now you're using a cell phone.

What are you gonna do next...

push wheelchair guy down the stairs?

I'm a doctor, so don't worry about it.

Really?

Well, then you of all people
should know that

those cell phones can make all
the machines in here explode.

What's your problem?

Your peg leg itching you?
You lose your treasure map?

Your parrot fly away?

Is that what I have to look forward to?

Morons making pirate jokes?

Hey, Riley,

do you still want to hear a story?

Okay.

It is about the first time
I met your mom.

We actually liked the same guy
on our floor freshman year.

This, um, white guy with
dreadlocks from long island.

He was super, super hot.

Very hard look to pull off.

But the point is

that your mom and I actually

weren't very good friends
when we first met either.

But it all worked out,
because over winter break,

he broke his leg in a skiing accident.

Your mom and I had some time
to get to know each other,

and we have been
best friends ever since.

And I'm not promising anything,

but I have a pretty good feeling

that, uh, you and I could be
pretty good friends too.

Really?

Yeah.
Oh, hell, yeah.

And you know what,
it's actually even easier

because you and I are not even

gonna be competing for the same guys.

For, like, at least ten years.

So what happened?

I was jogging in Central Park,

and a pigeon flew into my eye.

I like pigeons.

They're free to leave,

but they choose to stay here
in New York all winter long.

Unlike those other coward birds.

I don't like the one
that did this to my eye.

Yeah, that one sounds like a bad one.

Want me to take a look?
Okay.

Let's see what we got.

Okay.

Is it bad?

No, no, I'm gonna prescribe you
some steroid drops,

and then you'll...
you're gonna be okay.

Okay.

Sorry.

Oh, my...

Really?
Are you kidding me?

Your, uh, wife texts you a lot.

Oh, I'm not married.
I, um...

I used to be, but ancient history.

This...this is just
my employees.

They're bugging me

because I banned some Facebook thing.

I just hate that site.

That's too bad.

Why's that?
I would've friended you.

Morgan, what is the matter with you?

You're drivin' us crazy.

I did it.
I mailed the letter.

Oh, my gosh.
Dr. Cs gonna kill you!

Well, kiddo, I guess no bunk bed
this time around.

It's okay. Mindy's bed
is big enough for all of us.

It is, and now, we should go to sleep

because we have a big day
ahead of us tomorrow. We do?

Yeah, Riley and I made up
a whole itinerary. See?

First, we are going to Central Park Zoo

to look at some koalas.

Then we're gonna ride
our bikes to the Bronx zoo

to look at more koalas.

She's really into koalas.

She's crazy about koalas.

And then Riley would like
to try on some of my bras.

Which I, of course,
wanted to run by you first.

That's a lot of stuff to do

in one day.
Mm-hmm.

But, uh, are you sure
you're up for it, Riley?

Riley?

Do you want to go
grab a drink in the living room?

Really?
Yes.

Yes, I would love that.

I'm dying.
Yeah.

Okay.
Okay, let's go.

Um...

Get the kid off me.
I...just...

Oh, sorry.
Okay, thank you.

Come on, come on.
Coming.

* don't give me the pretend *

* you come for the weekend *

* and you stay for the week *

* you say that you hate it *

* but that's how you made it *

* just keep it oblique *

* we're both high, high, high *

* high, high, on lemon sips *

* though you're great and you're brave *

* you still lack
that which makes you a star *

* read all the pamphlets *

* and watch the tapes *

* read all the pamphlets
and watch the tapes *

* act like apes *

Aah!

Dr. C, I gotta talk to you.

Morgan, you look horrible.
Yeah, well,

I think we got a, uh,
mailer on our hands.

What is that?

You never heard of a mailer?

That's a crazy person who breaks
into someone's office,

and he sends unsent mail.

That's not a real thing.

Would that it weren't.

I had a magazine subscription
card on my desk.

Now I'm getting 24 issues of Wired.

What do I know about computers?

Oh, my God.

I'm not that worried about it.

I am worried about it.

What if they send my fan letter
to Chris pine?

You guys, I was really drunk

when I took some of those photos of me.

Go. See?
This is a real thing.

Hey, Dr. C.

Where you, uh...

Where you at in
the love department these days?

Fine.
Can't complain.

Okay, yeah, well...
Why?

If you want me to fix you up,

the Korean lady who presses my scrubs,

her husband just died.

It's one phone call.

No, thanks.

Dr. C, wait.

I just wanna say...

Morgan...

Morgan, what are you doing?

I'm doing what she couldn't.

What?
I am so sorry.

You're spilling my cereal.

It...

Go.

What are you...

Gotta clean that up.

Bravest man I ever met.

Don't give up on love.