The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 8 - Two to One - full transcript

Doris!

Doris, please stop
whistle-vacuuming.

Another couch night,
huh, Dr. I?

Yeah, I had a delivery
at midnight last night,

and it just didn't seem
worth it to go home.

Oh, man, it is drool city
up in this couch.

Oh, that's all right.
I'll flip the cushion.

I'm sorry.
God.

I don't remember the last time
I saw my apartment.

I'm not so lucky.

When I don't go home
at night,



my cat pees
in my husband's slippers.

Okay, Doris, I get it.
You're married.

Okay?
Good for you.

"Come to the office...
Emergency"?

Okay.

Did you get this page
from Jeremy?

What a drama queen.

Danny,
someone could be dead.

I promise you
no one is dead.

Shalom.

Hey.

Shalom to you.

What is going on here?

Guys, guys, where have you been?
I've been searching for you.



Listen, I have
the most shocking news.

Okay, Dr. Shulman...
Has retired.

What?
What are you talking about?

Boaz, could you pass us
the letter?

"Dearest colleagues,

"sorry I can't retire in person,
but I knew that I would cry.

"I love you very much

"and trust you will run
the practice without me.

"I think I left
half a chicken Philly steak

"in the fridge
labed 'dle s,'

"so that's up for grabs.

Love, Dr. Shulman."

So who's in charge now?

I think we are.

Lauren, please do not give me
print-outs of webmd.

This is like bringing recipes
to a restaurant and saying,

"here, cook this."

I'm just really nervous.

Yeah, of course you're nervous.
You're pregnant, all right?

There is a creature
inside of you moving around,

and it's, like, getting smarter
and bigger every day.

If I was you,
I'd be freaking out.

I'm sorry.
It's totally normal.

I'm sorry...
I just had to mess with you,

'cause you looked
kind of scared.

You're fine. You're healthy.
You're completely fine.

Okay.
Okay.

Hey, are you guys having
some kind of meeting without me?

Are there even
any refreshments here?

Water.

Water is not
a refreshment.

What happened to you?
You look terrible.

I'm sorry, Danny,

that I don't look like
a runway model this morning.

I have been very busy
delivering babies

to put food on our plates.

I'm sorry...
Water on our plates.

Mindy, are you forming
a dreadlock?

I might be, all right?
Luckily,

dreadlocks are super cool,
and I can pull them off.

My son has dreads.
I love 'em.

Thank you.
Who is this guy?

This guy is the practice's
attorney, Melville Fuller.

He's here to advise us.

I need a list
of your personal assets.

In the unlikely event

the practice
goes out of business,

you three are personally liable
for the expense.

Wait. So, if the practice
goes under,

we could lose
our own stuff?

That's a worst-case scenario.

I'm assuming you three
are retaining most, if not all,

of Dr. Shulman's patients.

Dr. Shulman's patients...

We're losing 'em
left and right.

Oh, my God.
What?

Yeah, I just saw Mrs. DeWitt
going up to the fifth floor.

That's the holistic birthing center upstairs.
Midwives.

I mean, it's one thing
to lose our patients

to other doctors,
but to those charlatans?

It makes me sick.

Shauna, here's
what I want you to do.

Email all of Dr. Shulman's
patients,

tell 'em we'll give 'em
20% off their copay

on their next visit.

Danny,
we're not selling mufflers.

We know those patients.

We should just call them
individually.

I like Danny's discount idea.

What... how could you like
that idea?

It's a terrible idea.

Well, Danny's so forceful.
I mean, look at him.

He practically oozes
leadership.

Plus, it was his idea to me as
the face of those taxi cab ads.

What taxi cab ads?

I'm sorry... we do taxi cab ads now?
Yeah.

Guys, how can we afford
taxi cab ads?

Who approved that?

We did.
We did.

I mean, that's leadership,
isn't it?

It's making swift decisions
with handsome faces.

Guys, I am also
a leader here.

Do you remember that time
when that really annoying

steel-drum guy was in front of our building?
Mm-hmm.

I was the one
that went down there,

and I said, "look, man,
here, take $20."

Go bother
some other neighborhood, okay?"

He came back after two hours, but still...
Okay, look...

Jeremy and I agreed...
It's settled.

Email a discount.
Shauna...

Sign me up for email.
Sorry.

Guys...
Danny, I...

Hi.

I'm Diana,
the administrative assistant

from downtown women's
holistic birth center.

Big deal.

We're the that for Shulman
and associates.

Okay.

I've made repeated calls
and inquiries

about getting
your former patients' files

transferred
to us upstairs.

We'll get to it
when we get to it.

If you want those files,
you're gonna have to pry them

out of our cold, dead hands.
Easy, bets.

Seriously, though...

Scram.

Hey, guys, I am not going
to take my day off tomorrow.

I feel guilty... there's too much
to do around here.

Aren't you supposed to have
best friend day?

Danny, you hate
best friend day.

The last time I talked
to you about it,

you called it
"barf friend day."

I love best friend day.
I think you should go do it.

Wait.

Why are you moving
all this medical junk in here?

Turning Shulman's office
into storage.

No, we're not.

We're turning it

into my prenatal patient
resource center.

We voted.
It's storage.

Yeah, it's two to one.

I wasn't part of anyote.

Guys,
this is important to me.

And it's already getting
a lot of buzz in the media.

It is?

Yeah. I ran into Kelly Ripa
at Sephora,

and I told her about it,
and she said, "good for you!"

Sorry, but we voted.

It's two to one.
Two to one.

I think it's a good idea for you
to take the day off tomorrow,

and we'll be fine
without you.

You know, too many cooks...
You get it.

Yeah.
Just too many cooks.

It's...

So you don't need me here
at all?

Okay, sure.

Then I will take tomorrow off
and spend it with my friends.

Cool.

With that, I will leave,

because there's absolutely
no reason for me to stay.

Wait.

I think you should take that.

Just...
It's kind of in the way.

Et tu, Morgan?

No, that's the only one,
I think.

Have fun.

Is your neck hurting?

Yeah.
I maybe got a little crick.

Mm.

Let's see.

May I?
Sure.

Why don't we close your eyes,
take a deep breath?

Count to three in your head
but not out loud.

Whoop!

Oop.

That's better.

I think the problem
was your chair.

It took billions of years
of evolution

to perfect the human neck.

Chairs have only been around
for a mere eye-blink

of that time frame.

Brendan Deslaurier.

From downtown women's
holistic birth center.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes. It's hard to believe
we work right up there,

and this is the first time
we've met, right?

This is my brother,
business partner, best friend,

and tennis coach,
Duncan.

Hi.
Hi.

What kind of plant you got there, buddy?
Checking.

Does this plant have a utility,
or is it strictly decorative?

One time I put sunglasses
and a hat on it.

That's hilarious.

I think
you two should leave.

But thanks again for fixing
my neck, Dr. Deslaurier.

They're not doctors,
they're midwives.

Oh, hello, Danny.

I'd prefer
if you call me Dr. Castellano.

I've always found "doctor"
to be such a formality.

It's so distancing.

You know what?
You're right. It is distancing.

It's the distance
between actual doctors like me

and quacks
like you and your brother.

Isn't that right, Dr. Reed?

Dr. Reed?

He left.

I think he was embarrassed
about being a drug dealer.

Not this again.
They're prescriptions.

And prescriptions
are little pieces of paper

that one trades in
for narcotics,

making this lovely establishment
not different

from the hacienda
of Pablo Escobar.

Hey, pal, I went
to Columbia medical school.

I got into Columbia.
Didn't go.

Walked the campus,
got a bad vibe.

Did you know that midwifery
predates obstetrics

by multiple millennia?
Mm-hmm.

So I ask you this, Danny...
Confucius, the Buddha,

Jesus Christ,
even sting himself...

Were they birthed by ob-gyns?

Should've been.
Mm.

Shoulda, woulda, coulda.
Is that doctor terminology?

I just don't understand
that stuff, so...

By the way,
I hear there's a holdup

on transferring some files
upstairs to our new clients.

But you'll take care of that,
right, Danny?

It's a great place you got here.
Nice layout.

Good to know
in case we decide to expand.

Duncan, shall we?

Toodles.

Dr. C!

Who were those guys?
They were cool.

They're midwives,
so let's not...

They're not cool.

They're midwives
with attitude.

All right,
keep up the good work.

You keep up your good work.

Ha!

I'm worried about him.

Guys, listen, they just decided
that they're gonna make

all the decisions
for the practice.

And they took a vote,
majority rule.

Hello? I thought we lived
in a democracy.

Well, we're just happy
that you could make our day out.

Okay,
may I say something?

It's just my opinion.

Your co-workers sound sexist,
misogynist...

And, yeah, I'll say it...
Borderline racist.

You think everyone's
borderline racist.

Gwen, we should listen to her,
all right?

She is the worldly one.
Mm-hmm.

I'm like the kind of fun,
cool, single one.

And you're the, um...
The cool mom.

Excuse me. I did date
a drug dealer in college.

You have been milking that
for years.

Mindy, you need to move
to Europe.

Let me put it this way.
Do you like good food?

Mm-hmm.
Do you like art?

Yep.
Do you like uncircumcised penises?

Hey.
Hey!

Excuse me. Hello.
We're in a restaurant.

I mean,
they're everywhere.

Here's the thing
I'm worried about.

I get there,
no one speaks English,

my hair dryer doesn't work,

someone tries to pin
a drug thing on me.

Oh.
It happens.

Guys, I'm getting
a little worried.

I should go back to work.

Absolutely not.
No, no, no, no, no.

You need one day where you
suck the marrow out of life

and, like, let it slosh around
in your mouth.

Ew! Gross!

You need this.

You know what?
She's right. You need this.

Guys, you haven't agreed
on anything since, um...

Oh, Colin firth
being bangable.

Oh, I want to lick his face.
I would destroy him.

Okay.

This country is succumbing

to an epidemic
of over-medication.

That's what
the midwives said.

Also, they put smooth rocks
in their bathroom sink.

You want rocks?

I'm going to a quarry
after work.

I'll have rocks coming out
your freakin' eyes.

No, no, no.

Mrs. DeSouza, could we have
but five minutes of your time?

Legally, we have to give
your file back.

But I think you're gonna like
what we have to say.

With all due respect,

you have no idea
how stupid that sounds.

Whoa!
Oh, all right.

We don't even know
what's in these vaccines.

Excuse me?
Whoa, Danny.

Uh, okay.
Uh, he didn't mean that.

You're not stupid, obviously.
You're brilliant.

No, of course.
I'm... I'm... I'm...

I'm not calling you stupid.
I'm calling...

Denying your baby
Western medicine...

That's extremely stupid.

That's not much better.

Uh, allow me...

If I may.

Maybe you recognize me
from our taxi cab ads...

Shulman & associates...
We put women first.

I didn't see your ad.

Didn't? I looked pretty good.
Never mind.

The point is we both know you're
not going anywhere, all right?

So why don't we pop
you in those stirrups

and take a damn good peek.

That came out wrong.
Oh, my...

Ahh.

What if I told you
it was 20% off?

25%...

♪ bumpin' loud as hell now

♪ we need to play,
need to play, need to play ♪

Okay, here he is.

This is the guy I'm dating.
Isn't he such a babe?

His name is Josh.
Josh.

He looks hairless.

I like body hair.

You know,
I like to be reminded

that he's a mammal
when I'm in his arms.

Alex, that's weird.
Wait a minute.

Did you take a picture of him
when he was sleeping?

Yeah, of course.
What is wrong with you?

What do you mean,
what is wrong with me?

It's the perfect crime,
you know?

I get a picture
of him napping.

He has no idea.

Get a little eye dazzle
for my friends.

Yeah.

Get rid of those texts.

I want to see more
of that sleeping guy.

Turn the phone off!

They said
they could handle it.

Mm-hmm.
Oh, no, I'm sorry, ma'am.

Uh, I'm sorry.
That's actually mine.

It was on the table.

It probably just fell out
of my basket.

Whatever.

Are you kidding me?

Hey, lady!

You raiding basket?

Excuse me?

Get your fat hands
off my friend's skirt

before I take it
from you myself.

This Indian chick,
that white girl...

Don't piss these two off.

In college, they got so drunk
that they threw a mini fridge

off the roof.
It's true. We did.

Now walk.

Hmm.

You are so awesome!

You are such a psycho.

Mindy...

Is that work,
still bothering you?

Not anymore.

Hmm.
It is best friend day.

What are you doing?

You can't just hide out
in here.

We got to come up with a plan
for dealing with these guys.

No, no, no.

Danny,
the entire point of me

letting you make
all the decisions

was that you make
all the decisions.

The practice is screwed,
Danny, okay?

No other practice
will take me on.

Men are too threatened
by my good looks,

and women find me
a constant erotic distraction.

I'm not mediocre-looking like you, okay?
What?

And what about going to England?
Forget about that.

I'm too tan.
They'll be merciless.

Just calm down.

Okay?
Oh, great.

Dr. Castellano,
your 3:00 canceled.

She's transferring to downtown
women's holistic birth center.

So it begins.

Dr. Reed, is the practice
gonna be all right?

Um, your guess
is as good as mine.

Uh, if we pray really hard...

Okay, it's gonna be great.
It's gonna be fine, Betsy.

The practice
is gonna be fine.

Wow.

What was that?
I have no idea.

You're supposed to be
the calm, cool,

collected British guy,
right?

Keep calm, and carry on.

That's actually bull.

My grandparents
were running around

like screaming girls
the entire war.

Okay.

Guys, I think
I kind of love this top.

It's a dress.

What?

Yeah, it's sample sizes.

They're supposed to fit anorexic models.

Oh, my God.
Hello?

It's made for a tiny,
tiny person.

Um, Mindy, it's for you.

Hello?

Dr. Lahiri,
the Deslaurier brothers

are stealing all our patients.

Just let Dr. Reed and
Dr. Castellano take care of it.

They kicked me
out of work, remember?

They said
they didn't need me.

But it's not just Dr. Shulman's
patients that are leaving.

Lauren Ordenstein just called
to have her files sent up there.

What?

My patient is switching
to the midwives?

Oh, hell, no.

Betsy, do not release
that file, okay?

Don't.
What?

Okay, some weird half-doctors
are trying to patient-Jack me.

What?
One of your patients?

Yeah, yeah.
Um...

Go back to work!

No, it's best friend day,
you guys.

But you're
a partner there, Mindy.

People can't just steal
your patients.

Other doctors will think you're a wuss.
Right?

Mm-hmm, you really should.
Mm-hmm.

- Really?
- Yes, it's okay.

Okay, guys, I'm so sorry.
I've had such a fun day.

No, no, no, it's fine.
Oh, yeah.

All right, well,
I got to get out of this top.

Can we just make, like,
a human changing room?

Sure.
Yeah.

Okay,
please don't judge my bra.

I'll try not to.

Okay, all right.
I'm done.

Okay, good.
Okay, good.

I love you, guys!
Love you, love you, love you.

Why did Mrs. Baker cancel?

Dr. Lahiri!

Shauna, get me
Lauren Ordenstein's file.

Okay.
What are you doing here?

I am doing
what you could not do.

Mindy, where are you going?

To the hornet's nest.

Not the hornet's nest
that's on the roof

that we saw that time...
I meant the midwives.

Guys?
Danny!

Guy...
Come on.

Well, well, well...

Debbie, Emily, Lauren...
So many familiar faces.

Midwives! Midwives!

God!
Midwives!

Easy, there.

That gong was a gift
from me to myself

after a particularly
rough flight.

Hey, I have a question
for you.

Who the hell
do you think you are?

Oh, that's a big,
complex question,

but my name
is Brendan Deslaurier.

It's nice to meet y...
I don't think so, pal.

All right?

I'm not gonna fall
for that smooth, calm,

namaste B.S. That everyone else
seems to fall for,

'cause guess what...
I know your type.

Let's say I have
a heart attack.

How would you handle that?

Would you, uh, rub eucalyptus
leaves all over my chest?

Huh?
Is that what you would do...

While, uh, your brother
over here,

he, uh, plays a rainstick
or something?

Yeah. His rainstick?
Yeah. Rainstick.

Let's leave Duncan
out of this.

When you have more time,

I'd love to tell you
about what we do

so that you can speak
from a place of knowledge

rather than ignorance.

And I'm sure you'd love
to educate me...

All afternoon,
just over and over.

Just making me learn
about midwifery.

I would love to educate you.

Listen up, ladies.
I get it.

It is very hard not to get
seduced by these two.

This office is dope.

Diana seems really cool.

And, yeah, I'm gonna say it.
These two...

Super-good-looking,
super-hot guys.

Much better-looking than the
two old, grizzled, beat-up guys

that work in our office.

What?
Wait a minute.

And, yeah, if you are a healthy
22-year-old pregnant woman,

that baby is gonna slide
right out of you...

Whether it's by us...

Or whether it's
by these two midwives

or with a jittery train
conductor during a blizzard.

But what
if there's complications?

If you're middle-aged...

You have diabetes,
if you're obese...

No offense,
all right?

Then no amount of breathing
techniques and scented oils

is gonna help you.

I am.
And these guys are.

They might not be easy
on the eyes...

What? No.
That's not cool.

But they're good doctors.

Meanwhile, these two...

They're gonna drop you curbside
at Columbia Presbyterian

on their way to coachella.

We have never been

to the coachella valley
music and arts festival.

Tell me this,
Deslauriers.

Is it true
or is it not true

that if your patients
have complications,

you drop them off
with obstetricians like us?

Yes, we explain up front
to all of our patients...

I'm sorry, your what?

We have to say "clients."

To our clients.

That's what I thought.

All right, ladies...

Let's go downstairs.

Let's set up appointments
with some real doctors.

And in a month or so,

we're gonna debut
the Shulman & associates

prenatal resource center.

Kelly Ripa's a big fan.

So we got a-a lot of big things
on the horizon.

Are you good?
Yeah.

Okay.
Great job.

No, Diana!
I'm holding on to this mallet.

All right?

And if you steal
another patient,

I'm gonna come back
for this gong.

Doctor?

Make a wish.

Okay, that was
kind of hot.

Remember...

No more stealing patients.

Burn you.

Pleasure meeting you.

Later, man.

Bye, Duncan.
I'll email you.

Hey, don't talk to him.
Let's go.

Hey.

Listen, we owe you
an apology.

Yeah, you do.
Let's hear it.

I just did it.

No, you said,
"I owe you an apology."

Saying you owe me $10
is different than giving me $10.

You want me
to give you $10?

Yeah, okay.

There you go.

I apologize.

We apologize.

You guys, you cannot gang up
on me anymore.

Okay.
All right, I want to be involved,

and I want you
to listen to my input.

Fair enough.

Listen, Mindy, Danny,
you will be in charge,

and I will remain
as the face of the company.

No, no, no.
You also have to be involved.

This is a partnership.

Ugh, miserable.

And you can't be
on the phone all the time.

Yes.
Light texting?

No, you can't,
right, Danny?

Right.

Two to one.

Fine.

There you go.

So what do you think
we should call the place?

How about
Shulman & associates?

It's got a nice ring
to it.

Hey-oh!

Wow, that is a nice moment.

I'm gonna call it
the founding of a new dynasty.

I'm gonna sell you guys the
prints once I get 'em developed.

There'll be
a little markup for my trouble.

Damn it.

Okay, um, I got to go.
I'll see you guys tomorrow.

One for safety?
One for safety?

Oh, I think
I just tweeted something.

Please don't take
any more photos of me.

We're better-looking
than those midwives, right?

Thank you.
We're so much better-looking.

♪ Take one,
swallow it down ♪

♪ Let it melt down
into your blood, and you ♪

♪ Fly away
into the nest ♪

♪ Of another U.S. tradition

In the criminal justice system,

the people are represented
by two separate yet equally...

God, this place
is depressing.

Josh!

Why do hospitals always have
the world's ugliest posters?

Indianapolis
has a jazz fest? Gross.

What are you doing here?

Well, I haven't seen you
in a few days.

I thought I'd better
come to you.

Brought you some Thai food,
but I threw out the rice.

It had little peas in it.
It was bumming me out.

I can't believe this.
This is so sweet.

God, I wish I got
to see you more.

Well, I think you can have
everything you want.

You just have to be
as efficient as me.

Watch.

Work.

Play.

Mm-mm-mm.

Work.

Play's gonna be a second.

I have to look over
this contract.

Okay.
I also have work.

I can look over this...
Medical chart, so...

Yeah...

Josh, come on, come on.

Oh, don't mind me.

I'm actually fine
with that, if...

Are you really?
Yeah.

Okay, yeah, I'm totally fine
with it too.

Go to bed.