The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 7 - Teen Patient - full transcript

Morning, Parker.
How was your weekend?

Oh, it was great, Dr. L.

I went to a self-defense
workshop at the "Y."

Yeah, they let you do it
for free

if you're a college student

or you make less
than $3,000 a year,

so check and check.

Good for you, Parker.

New York can be a tough place
for a little guy like you.

Yeah, you know, they say that
bullying stops when you grow up,

but that has not been
my experience.



Do you think you
could teach me some moves?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Cool.
Absolutely.

Now, come at me
and grab me, okay?

Yeah.
Just grab me right here.

Okay.
Grr!

Break the hold.

Lobster claw
to the throat.

Knee the groin.
Ouch.

Totally incapacitates them.

Parker, that is so cool.
Can I try it?

Just come at me.

I don't know.

Attacking my female boss...
this... Feels weird.



Maybe a scenario
would help.

Imagine you're
grieving your wife

because mindy killed her
in a botched operation

because she's
in love with you... go.

Yeah, okay.
What?

No, no, no, no, no.

You're a crazed fan,
and I'm a Latin pop star

that you're obsessed with.

No, do it my way.

I'm ready.

You killed my wife!
Yes!

I'm gonna make you
a dead person!

Okay, I can't remember
what comes next.

No! (Danny) Break the hold.

Break it.
I forget which way...

aah!

Morgan!

You okay?
What are you doing?

It was fake!

(Danny) What are you doing?
It was a demo, man.

Oh! Oh, no, no, no!

Parker...
Oh! Oh, Parker!

(Morgan) Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God.

Oh, my God,
I broke the intern.

Oh, my God.
I broke him. I broke him.

We have to stop
the intern program.

[Jazzy pop music]

♪

Hey, mindy.

Hey, Sophia.

Oh, I like your glasses.
They're kind of like mine.

Glasses twins.
Totally.

Are you near-sighted too?

I am near-sighted.
I am far-sighted.

I have astigmatism,
pre-cataracts.

I'm actually legally blind
in Hawaii and Alaska.

How's school?

Good.
Yeah?

What are you reading?

Oh, this is freedom.
[Elevator dings]

But it's not for school.
I just love Jonathan franzen.

What are you reading?

Uh, this is actually
a novelization

of the film iron man.

Cool.

I thought that Gwyneth Paltrow
would be in it more.

How's your work going?
Pretty good, actually.

I just started this groupon
for H.P.V. Vaccinations,

and business has been
blowing up.

Guess all those hours
of online shopping

was actually research
for work.

I feel like the only time
I get to see you anymore

is around here.

You know what?

When things at work
settle down a little bit,

I will take you
to the American girl store,

and we will buy your doll Sally
a new friend.

Yeah, actually,
I donated Sally

to Tsunami victims
a couple years ago.

Her name is now Kioki.

God, you are such
a good kid.

[Giggles]

Um, all right, well,

if you ever need anything,
Sophia, let me know.

Great. Bye.
Bye.

"Hello, this is
a formal, anonymous complaint

"alerting you to lewd

"and inappropriate
workplace behavior...

"specifically,
Morgan the nurse ogling

shauna Dicanio's breasts."

Oh, God.

(Mindy)
Katie, you are now

H.P.V. Immune.

And I know the shot
might've hurt,

but the savings did not.
Bye, guys.

Hey. Hey.

I just talked to our lawyer,
and we got a big problem.

Yeah? What?
I got an anonymous complaint

between two employees.

Ooh, anonymous. Sexy.

No. No, it's not sexy.

It's claiming lewd behavior.

We can get sued for this.
Yeah, that is a big deal.

Do you remember
soho women's health?

They went under
'cause that doctor got sued

for grabbing all
those ladies' butts.

Not a lot of butt-grabbers
around here.

And I should know.
Walking target.

I can't believe
how little

I'm getting
from this conversation.

That's rude.
Can you handle this, please?

This is a big deal.
I know it is, Danny.

But you're
a partner here, right?

You can't just do
the parts of the job

you want to do.

Do you think I wanted to talk
to the air-conditioning guy?

No. No

but as it turns out,

he had a lot of really
interesting movie ideas,

and now I have
a lifelong friend.

I think you can handle
this human resources issue.

Oh, God.

Hey, mindy.
Hey, kiddo.

What are you doing here?

You already had
your H.P.V. Shot.

You're all set.

Um, actually,
I just kind of wanted

to talk to you
about something else.

Okay, what's going on?

I'm here to get
birth control.

Birth control?

Yes.

For sex?
Yes.

Come on.

You're way too young
for birth control.

You should be, like, drawing
on the sidewalk with chalk.

You mean like
dead body outlines?

No, I don't mean
like dead body outlines.

Are you k...

okay, I cannot raise my kids
in the city.

Have you spoken to your father
about this?

Ever since my mom died,
my dad hasn't been much help

in the whole
girl talk department.

I get most of my information
from Chelsea handler books.

Or you.

Um, all right.

Let's talk.

Who is the guy?

His name's Henry.

We met in street art class.

Street art?
Yes.

Like that criminal banksy?
They made a class about him?

Okay, I'm sorry.
Keep going. Keep going.

He's amazing.

I really love him,
and we're ready to have sex.

Soon.

I'm beginning to understand

why you did not want
to go doll shopping

with me earlier.

It has come to my attention
that there is a...

A problem in the office.

I found a stray dog.

I kept him here
for three nights.

He had these soulful eyes.

I was not gonna leave him
at the quarry.

No, it's not about the dog.

That's a bad thing,
so don't do that either.

You know what this
is about.

Is this about the other dog?

No.
Because that is a bad dog.

It has come
to my attention, Morgan,

that you've been looking
at shauna inappropriately.

I didn't even realize it.

But I-I-I know it's true.

Because if the men
in my family

have one problem,

it's staring
at beautiful things.

And gout.

It doesn't matter
if we're looking

at a beautiful
Mona Lisa-type painting

or a healthy set
of plumpies.

Shauna, I assure you,
it will never happen again.

I'm so sorry.

Let's blood-oath it.
I think it's a matter of...

no, no, put the...

Morgan, let's not
blood-oath anything.

Terrific.

Does that officially satisfy
your formal complaint, shauna?

Oh, I didn't make
a complaint.

It's right here.

No, I didn't.

I'd like to be
real clear on this.

Does this office have
a policy on dogs?

Henry and I are planning
on doing this next weekend.

His parents are taking
his grandma

to an assisted living place
in Florida,

so it's pretty much a date.

You've described the premise
to a national lampoon movie.

That sounds horrible.

I wish that there had been
someone like me around

for myself
when I was your age.

You lost your virginity
at 15?

I wish there had been
someone like me around

when I was 23.

I can't give this
to you yet.

Come on, mindy.
You know me.

Yeah, but I don't know him.
[Sighs]

I just... I'm sorry.
I have to meet him.

But he's in school.

Hey, Betsy.

Yeah, can you please see
if Dr. Reed can cover

some of my appointments
this morning?

Great.
Uh, what are you doing?

Lucky for you,

your gynecologist looks 18.

So I'm gonna come visit you
at High School.

[Bell rings]

Sophia.

Hey.

[Laughs awkwardly]
Oh, great, you made it.

Yeah. Uh, this won't
take long, right?

No, I'm just gonna ask Henry
a couple questions,

and if he kills it,

I will prescribe you
any birth control you want.

And there is this new one
from Belgium

that comes in the form
of a lollipop.

Where the hell have you been?
Calculus was a catastrophe.

Ben, this is Dr. Lahiri.

Your shoes are insane,
and your top is outta control.

Can you be my doctor?

Um, I love you.
You're adorable.

Hello, new favorite person.

Ugh, what is that?

Oh, this? It's slime.

Slime as in ghostbusters?

No, no, no,
slime as in slime.

Everyone has slime now.

Oh, so it's like
an accessory.

Um, kind of.

I don't understand.

Is it considered bad
or good?

Don't overthink slime.

Okay, can we just, like,
get this over with?

All right, bye.
I'm going to the "cafe teria."

Nice to meet you.
You too.

[Bell rings]

Hey.
Hey, where you been?

Henry, this is mindy.

She's my doctor
and my neighbor.

It's nice to meet you.

Hey.

Grab some bean.

Thank you.

Hey there.

I'm an adult.

M-move,
'cause I'm an ad...

I have to sit down.

Okay.

Cool.

Cool lounge.

[Beanbag chair squeaks]
Oh.

[Squeaking]

So, Henry,

Sophia tells me
that the two of you

are considering taking
your relationship

to the next level.

Yeah, you know,
we're in love,

and we want to be able
to express it.

I want to be
with her forever.

[Paper ball thuds]

I'm s... one second.
Hey, can I...

can I see that, please?

Thank you.

Don't... don't throw things
near a woman's face.

All right, um,
but what will happen

when you go to college?

'Scuse me, are you gonna stay
here for a while,

or are you gonna keep
going through?

All right, sorry.

Why don't you keep...
yep, you made the right choice.

I'm not going to college.

You don't want
to go to college?

No. Why should I
load up on debt

just to binge drink
for four years,

when I could just
create an app

that nets me all the money
I'll ever need?

Sorry, Henry.
It doesn't work that way.

Well, Mark Zuckerberg
dropped out of Harvard.

Mark Zuckerberg
got into Harvard,

and you know what?

If he had stayed at Harvard
a little bit longer,

then that Facebook,

it would actually be
a little bit more...

Popular site.

Okay.

Okay. All right.
Do you need help?

It's just a little slippery.

Just give me one second.

I don't need help getting
back into a beanbag chair.

I can do it. Let me...
oh, God. Okay.

I just don't want
to do this.

Hang on.
Come on, come on, come on.

Just push my torso up.
Try using your knees.

[Beanbag chair
squeaking loudly]

I'm a surgeon.

I can figure out how to sit
in a beanbag chair.

See?

I don't even think that sex
is that big of a deal.

No, no, no.
It is a big deal.

All right?
And as Sophia's gynecologist,

I think that when...
[Snickers]

Are you laughing
at the word "gynecologist"?

Oh, my God.

What if you guys
had a baby?

I don't know.

Sophia could take care
of it, yeah?

Yeah, I mean,
I'm a babysitter, mindy.

No, no, no, you're not
babysitting your baby.

You're going to college,
all right?

While this joker

lives in his parents' basement
working on some app

that tells you what
pizza topping you are.

It tells you which superhero
you should marry.

Obviously, you would marry
Captain America.

You don't need an app
to tell you that.

Look, if I wanted
to be questioned

by some weird old lady,

I'd go home
and talk to my stepmom.

I don't have time
for this slime.

I'm sorry.

I'm obviously younger
than his stepmom.

Sophia, I cannot sign off
on this guy.

How are you
the ultimate judge of guys?

I saw you hit on your Chinese
delivery man one time.

Okay, it was Valentine's day,
and he was lingering.

[Sighs]
And now I actually have

a boyfriend who is mature
and considerate,

and he's the kind of guy
that's worth waiting for.

And how would you feel
if I asked him

a bunch of personal questions?

I would be fine
with that,

and the next time he is over,
I welcome you

to come to the apartment...

no, now!
I want to meet him today.

Okay, well, I am supposed
to have lunch with him at 1:00.

Fine. I'll be there.

You have class. Yeah,
the history of dubstep.

Yeah, you can skip that.

Dear horizon
medical solutions,

when the drawstring
in your scrubs gets caught

in that tiny hole,
I find it basically impossible

to fish it out.
I'm a busy guy,

and I don't have time
for this.

Betsy, can you just read
that back for me?

"Dear horizon
medical solutions,

"in regards to... Have...

"Drawstring...

When..."

Betsy, what are you
doing here?

Okay, last week,
I was in an operation,

and the scrubs went
down to my ankles.

Dr. Castellano,

I wrote that
human resource complaint

about Morgan staring
at shauna.

What?
Dr. Castellano,

do you think I'm pretty?

Ah, boy.

Hey.

I think I'm having
lunch with you.

I don't know that you are.

Hey.

Hey, mama.
How's it going?

Good.

Uh, this is Sophia
from my building.

Oh, yes!

Sophia wanted to talk

to a super cool boyfriend
to find out

what a good adult relationship
should look like.

Mm. Fire away.

How did you meet mindy?

At a nightclub.

Normally I go
for super skinny white girls,

but something about this one
screamed, "yeah, okay."

And are you two
sleeping together?

What do I do here?
It's cool.

Yes, we have been physical.

Do you use birth control?

Couple different things.

And if she got pregnant,
would you, like,

totally freak out?

Mama Mia.
Blitzkrieg over here.

Hey, she told me I could ask
whatever I wanted.

Yeah, I'd freak out.

And then I would help
raise it.

You would?

I'm not 23 anymore.
Kid sounds kinda cool.

I love playing catch,

and it's kinda weird
with two grownup dudes.

You see, Sophia,
this is the kind of guy

that you want to wait for,
all right?

He is sweet.
He went to college.

He is funny-ish.

So you guys are gonna be,
like, together forever?

Uhhh, things are going
really good.

That's not what I asked.

Henry says that we're gonna be
together forever.

It's even his signature
at the bottom of all his emails.

Well, my law firm
forbids tinkering

with the standard
confidentiality notice

at the bottom
of all our emails.

Just answer the question.

Will you and mindy
be together forever?

Uh, you don't have
to answer that.

Actually, you do have to answer
that question.

Look, it's a nice idea,

but I don't know
if I could stay with one person

for the rest of my life.

You don't ever want
to get married?

Maybe I'm not
a forever kind of guy.

What does that even mean?

Looks like you two have
a few things to discuss,

so I'm gonna let you guys
figure that out

while I head back to school.

Catch you on the slime.

What's slime?

I can't believe
you don't know what slime is.

I just got your messages.
What's up?

Josh called me human garbage.

What?

Okay, he didn't exactly
call me human garbage,

but he told me that he is not
a "forever" type of guy.

(Gwen)
Oh, that's it?

Everybody has trouble
with the word "forever."

A week before we got married,

Carl disappeared
for a few days.

I hiked the appalachian trail!
I got lyme disease!

That explains a lot,
actually.

(Carl)
I got bit by a deer!

Hold on. (Mindy) Gwen,
I have always known

that I was gonna get married
and stay married forever.

'Cause that is true love.

Do you remember
when I wanted to keep

my tennis bag
in your closet?

It was our worst fight
of 2006.

I remember that.
I hated that.

Gwen, what if I had needed
to get my snorkel, okay?

And I had to lift your dumb
tennis bag to get it?

Imagine that
times a million.

That's marriage,

except the closet
is your entire life,

and the tennis bag
is a guy.

And sometimes you will find
his toenail clippings

scattered around your toilet.

Just to be clear,
I use the toilet as a seat.

I don't trim them
when I'm going.

Okay, sometimes marriage
is great.

But you'd have to be a kid
to think that saying "forever"

is the same
as actually doing it.

Gwen, you are so smart.

I wish that we were lesbians
so we could get married.

I'm serious.

I mean, we wouldn't have sex
or anything.

Maybe a little kissing.

(Gwen)
There you go.

Oh, oh, oh, my God.

(Gwen) Carl, this tree falls
off the roof one more time,

I swear to God...

mindy, you deserve the best!
[Sighs]

(Carl)
Never settle. Do you hear me?

All right,
thanks, Carl. Bye.

[Whispers]
Damn it.

I just want guys
to look at me

the way they look at shauna.

Ugh.

[Sighs]

Just wish I was pretty.

[Sighs]

Betsy, you're very pretty.

Really, Dr. Castellano?

Absolutely. You're pretty.
You're... you're cute.

You're just...
you're just adorable.

Guys don't want adorable.
They want hot.

Well, you definitely are.

Definitely are what?

Just work with me here,
Betsy, okay?

You're hot.
You're hot. Okay?

You're definitely hot.

I don't know.
Yeah, you're hot.

You got a great...
you got a great face,

and everybody knows that.

You got, uh,
legs of steel.

I do live
in a fifth-floor walkup.

Well, it's working good,

and your whole...

Your form is just...
it's very good.

Oh.

You know, you really look
like that movie star,

Jessica...

Rabbit?
[Laughs]

Sure.
Really?

She's awesome.
Yeah.

Hopping along like that.
She doesn't hop, but...

No?
She's so beautiful.

So are you.

Thank you,
Dr. Castellano. Oh!

I think sometimes
you just need your boss

to tell you
that you look sexy.

No, that's, uh...

that wasn't what
I was saying at...

oh, thank you so much.

Betsy, please...
oh.

I gotta call a lawyer.

Sophia!

Hey!

Oh, my God.

How are you here
right now?

Look...

Look, I just came here
to apologize to you.

Ow!

Heads up!

I think you're supposed
to yell that

before it hits somebody
in the head!

All right,
your boyfriend has

some stupid ideas
about college,

and he is literally covered
in body spray.

But he's fine.
And I'm not blind.

Henry is crazy bangable.

Thank you.

I'm just not crazy

about you guys
having sex already.

Ow! You have got
to be kidding me!

All right,
volleyball practice is over.

A smart adult
is giving out free advice.

Everyone gather around.

Okay, here is what
I've observed

about you teenagers.

One, you have terrible aim.

You hit me in the head twice
with a volleyball.

That was not cool.

Secondly, you are obsessed
with eternity.

Everything is forever.
Best friends forever.

Henry and Sophia forever.

It's probably why
you like teen vampires

and stupid crap like that.
Guess what.

That stuff's imaginary.

[Sighs]

Sorry, babe.
It's true.

All right, teens fall for this
all the time.

Hell, even teen-pluses
like me fall for it.

Yeah, and maybe you'll be
really lucky,

and you'll find
the perfect guy,

and you will stay
together forever.

But I'll tell you
one thing

that always lasts forever...

friendship?
Herpes.

It's gross,
and it is horrible.

Google-image-search it.
It's disgusting.

It's not all
running through fields

and hang gliding,
like the ads tell you.

And guess what, guys.

Herpes is one
of the better ones.

I cannot keep you
from getting your heart broken.

I can't even keep you
from having sex.

But I can make sure
that you're safe.

Condoms, you guys.

You can't trust the guys
in your life to have them.

Here you go.
For you.

Here you go.

You look like trouble.
I'm gonna give you two.

You I'm not worried about.

Uh, can I help you?
Are you a parent?

I am not a parent.

I am simply a concerned
adult woman,

helping out
some at-risk youths.

And what are you
handing out there?

Um...

This feels excessive,

and I bet
if I were a white male,

you wouldn't...
okay.

Well, maybe you would.

I believe this has been
blown out of proportion.

Is it true that you referred
to one of our male students

as "crazy bangable"?

Okay, who told you that?
Did Megan tell you that?

That was in the service
of a point.

You can't just walk
into a High School

and throw sexual
paraphernalia at kids!

I didn't throw anything
at anyone.

That's tawdry.

And by the way,
these are not...

hey, what's up?

This High School
is ridiculous.

I mean, it's so swanky here.

It's so nice.

My High School, one window

that just the seniors
could use... just one.

Danny, thank God you're here.

Please just tell them that I'm
not some crazy pervert.

I mean, I'm not gonna lie to them.
Danny!

[Bell rings]

So you're here
looking for guys?

Let the poor bastards
finish High School

before you start
grabbing at 'em.

Okay, first of all,
they wish.

They wouldn't know
what to do with me

with their little
teenage hands.

Second of all, Danny,
thank you for bailing me out

of school jail.

For that, I shall give you
one beautiful orchid.

Just give me a slice.
I'm really hungry.

All right, a slice
and an orchid.

Mindy, mindy.

So I think Henry and I are gonna
wait a while to have...

That... that thing.

Are you serious?
Yeah.

Oh, thank God.

I mean, it was totally
up to you, your decision,

but you made the right choice.

Also, I really wanted you
to have this.

Slime? For me?
Mm-hmm.

I heard about the drama.

My God, I am obsessed
with you.

Ben, you are such
a special kid.

And I want to let you know,
it gets better.

How could it?

(Ben)
You wish, Steven.

Who is this person?

Hey, what's up?
I'm Danny.

Shut up.

That's my favorite name.

Really?
Mm-hmm.

I like Ben a lot.

Tell me you and him
have happened.

Ugh, Ben!
What?

No.

Okay, guys, we should leave
the premises.

Yeah.

I could actually arrested
for real

if I stick around
too much longer.

Bye. (Ben) Bye.

(Sophia)
Bye, mindy.

Thank you very much
for the slime.

Nice to meet you.

Hey.
Hey.

So the florist was closed,

but I wanted to get you
something girly,

so I popped into
the pharmacy and got you

some of these
travel-size deodorants.

Thank you.

I'm sorry about earlier.

You don't have to be sorry.

I was just surprised
because I didn't know

that this was so casual.

It's not casual.

It's just...
here's where I'm at right now.

Josh, let me
interrupt you.

Can I just tell you
what I was thinking?

Love it. Boom. Go. Yeah?

Yeah. Want an energy drink?

Yeah, okay.

Thank you.
Yeah.

Mm.

I think this is an acquired taste.
Yeah.

So forever is scary
for me too, all right?

Do you know in my shower,
there's that ledge for shampoo?

It's like that big.

I could never share that
with somebody else.

Oh, you gotta get
a shower caddy.

It falls on you sometimes,
but it's worth it.

Okay.

Well, I guess what
I was trying to say was,

even though it's scary,

I think that if this
is gonna keep going,

there has to be
at least a possibility

that we could stay
together forever.

I can do that. No, for
real, though, Josh.

Like, when we die,
we get buried side by side.

We have matching tombstones,

a statue of a cherub
crying next to us.

Our grandkids come
and visit the gravesite,

talk about us.
Yeah.

How cool
their grandmother was,

how weird
their grandfather was.

[Laughs] Okay. All right?

Let me pitch you this.
We get cremated, right?

Mixed together,

sprinkled on the Florida
marlins' third base line.

All right, well, I guess
there's time to talk about it.

Lotta time.

Mm.

That is slime.

That's pretty gross.

No, it's awesome.

Go to bed.