The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 6 - Thanksgiving - full transcript

When your boyfriend

comes to your house
to cook you dinner,

you know that you've taken
your relationship

to the next level.

There's something so sexy
about the role reversal.

It's like the guy version
of the girl wearing

the oversized football Jersey
to the super bowl party.

Actually, if we go
to a super bowl party,

I'd prefer you to wear something
kind of formfitting.

Okay, I'm gonna...
I'll wear what I want.

Josh, I'm so impressed.



I didn't know
you were such a cook.

Oh, it's nothing.

I travel a lot for work,

so sometimes you have
to get creative to eat well.

And a little sauce.

So now, you made everything
on a panini press?

Yeah.
It's a lot of food.

It actually took
six panini presses.

Oh.

Go on,
try the tilapia.

It's finished
with a red bull glaze

of my own devising.

Yeah?
Yep.

Cool, I feel like
such a princess.



Mm-hmm.

Yeah?
Pretty good, huh?

Was it...
Did you get a bone?

Hey, babe, this is disgusting.
Okay.

I know it sounds like I'm angry
because it was disgusting

in my mouth,
but I'm actually worried.

I don't know.
Maybe all these years

drinking nothing
but energy drinks

has left me legally
taste-blind.

You know what?
There's no shame in it.

I, too, cannot cook.

Ironically enough,
my best friend, Gwen, asked me

to come to her house and cook
Thanksgiving dinner for her.

She broke her arm.

Oh, you want to borrow
one of the presses

off the cluster?

No, thank you.

Morgan's actually
going to do the cooking.

A real caterer would cost me,
like, 500 bucks,

and he said he'd do it for $50
and the turkey carcass.

So you're spending the holiday
with your male nurse.

Try to keep your hands
to yourself, okay?

I'll try.

You try to keep your hands
off of your weird road hoochie.

You should try the tilapia.
Did I mention the...

Josh, are you going
to hook up with girls

when you're on your trip?

No.

I wasn't planning on it.

Josh, I honestly didn't mean
to bring this up tonight,

but I have to ask you,
are we exclusive?

Um, could we discuss this
when I get back?

You mean when you come back
riddled with stds

and I no longer want you?

Come on,
that won't happen.

No, we can't discuss it then.

Josh, what's going on here?

Oh, I, um...

I think one
of the 'nini presses

blew a fuse.

So, uh, rain check
on this convo, and...

No, we are still having
this conversation.

Oh, um, okay,
got a little fire there.

Okay, you're not
getting out of this.

We still need to talk
about this. Oh, my God.

Wait, what are you doing?

No, don't come hide near me.

Josh, my kitchen is on fire.

Well, this feels like
the beginnings of an emergency.

Yes, duh. Do something, do
something, please.

Fan it.

It seems to be making it worse.
I don't know.

Put...
No, take care of this.

I'm gonna take up
a station over here.

No, Josh...

You know what?
Let's fight fire with fire.

what's the matter?
You don't like shrimps?

No, it's...
I try not to eat shrimp

before 8:00 a.M.
On the subway usually,

but it's not that.

Is this, like, a matter
of the heart or something?

I'm sorry. I can just...
I'm very intuitive,

and I can kind of...

Yeah, it's Josh.
We had a talk last night.

Ooh, that little hot piece
sports lawyer...

Little blondie?

Yes.
Yeah.

So I told him that I wanted
to be exclusive.

Oh.

And then he said
he wasn't ready.

So now he's out of town
for a week,

and I just feel like
he's in some hot tub,

you know,
with strippers.

If that was me, I would be
so exclusive with you,

I wouldn't let you
hold dollar bills in your hand,

because there's pictures
of dudes on them.

Thanks, Morgan.

I would chain you
to my basement wall

so you wouldn't see
anyone but me.

Morgan, Morgan.
No, too much.

But thank you
for saying that.

And for the record,
hotto did you a favor,

'cause if he's not exclusies,
you're not exclusies.

Yeah, I didn't think
of it like that.

Oh, yeah.

You can do whatever you want
wherever you want,

wherever you want.
Gross.

Yeah.
I'm going to keep that in mind.

Thanks for the advice.
Yeah. You're welcome.

Betsy, thank you so much
for including me

in your family's
Thanksgiving festivities.

I'm so eager to learn more
about this great country

and its folkways.

Besides, my only other
invitation was with Shauna

on her tour of hotel minibars
in Atlantic city.

I'm telling you, Dr. Reed,

my family isn't sophisticated
like you and me.

I come from a long line
of pretty lame people.

My ancestors got beat up
on the mayflower.

See?
We'll get on splendidly.

My ancestors financed
the mayflower.

Besides, what's so terrible
about your family?

No matter how old I get,

or how much time I spend
in the city,

I'm still just
a little kid to them.

Do you think I will be liked
by your parents?

Oh, hard to say.

The only other english person
they know is my GPS lady.

Prepare to turn right in 1/2 mile.

Thank you.

Oh, America.

So my wife is just taking
the turkey out of the oven.

Why don't you stop by?

I'd love to,
but I got plans.

Suit yourself.

Happy Thanksgiving,
Dr. Castellano.

We don't want any.

He's been standing by the door

for an hour,
waiting to say that.

That was so good.
Please, come in.

Hi, oh,
thank you so much.

Oh, shrimp!

Whoa.
Your home is amazing.

Do you mind if I ask
how much you paid for it?

I do, actually.
I'm Carl.

Morgan.
Ooh, nice squeezers.

And for the lady of the house,
this is my vintage.

Some table wine right there...
Two liters' worth.

There you go.

You got that, honey?

Kitchen time.

Hey, guys.

Dennis.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God!

That was horrifying.
Are you okay?

Dennis, oh, my God.

You all right?
Easy, easy.

Socks and a hardwood floor...
A recipe for disaster.

Dennis, what are
you doing here?

Uh, my own stunts,
apparently.

Speaking as a doctor,
you should be dead.

But as a person, um,
that was hilarious.

Oh, it didn't look
super cool?

I think you're in shock.

You know what?
I-I think I can do this.

I'm going to try it again.

No, no, no, no.

You just cheated death,
my friend.

Don't... don't try to...

Yeah, yeah.
Take a lean.

Take a lean.
Thank you.

In honor
of our European friend,

I got some beer with
the two dots over the thing.

Thank you so much.

And for Betsy bear, a nice,
cold glass of strawberry milk.

Actually, dad,
I'd like a beer.

Whoa.

Hey, Betsy, uh, how about
you just share a sip of mine,

and we'll, uh...
We'll see how that goes?

Uh, Mr. putch, to thank you
for your generous hospitality.

Oh, well,
"english truffles.

"With grey sea salt
and lavender.

An elegant chocolate
experience."

Well, party time, huh?

I'm low carb,
but please.

There you go.

Grandma, there you are.

It's quite...

It's gone bad.

Chocolate's gone bad.

No, grandma,
it's just fancy.

Help.

All right, everybody,
spit out the chocolate.

There's something
wrong with 'em.

I'm so sorry.

It's nobody's fault.

They just sold you
a bad batch.

In this country, we have
something called the fda.

They look out
for the little guy.

They make sure
this doesn't happen.

# And the piano
sounds like a carnival #

# and the mic... #

# And the mic... #

Damn it.

Man, you really ate it
on the stairs.

I know.

Dennis,
nice sweater-vest.

Dressing very metrosexual.

Do you know
that word, Mindy?

Yeah, I remember it.

Hey, I have not seen you
in forever.

How are things?

You know what?
Honestly, not so good.

I want you to look
at something.

Okay.

I just got back
from Greece,

and I'm scared I may have
contracted olive fingers.

Okay.

Um, that is very serious.

My diagnosis is that
you're a huge nerd.

Have you done this routine
for everyone?

No, I-I just did it for you.

I want to apologize
for how weird our date was

and how I ran out like that.

Oh, I don't think so.

I thought it was going well.

Really?

Hey, babe.
Hey.

You gotta be kidding me.
Hi.

I was just taking a walk
of Gwen's grounds.

I went all the way around.

Wow, cool.

Oh, geeta, this is Mindy.
Mindy, this is geeta.

Hi, geeta.

Nice to meet you.

How do you know
Gwen and Carl?

I went to college
with Gwen.

I went to Princeton too.
What year were you?

Mm.
2002.

Oh, no.
We didn't overlap.

If you don't mind me asking,
are you indian?

Yeah, big-time.

Love to see other
brown girls.

Not that hard.

There are literally
billions of us.

Um, how did you two
meet each other?

We met here, actually,
through Gwen and Carl.

Gwen and I
are really close.

I'm sorry, you met here
at my best friend's house,

through my best friend?
Huh.

That's so interesting.
Okay, well...

Um, what, Morgan?

Yeah, okay, I'm gonna...

I'll come help you
with it.

I'm going to go
help Morgan in the kitchen.

Big dinner,
can't do that all himself...

Who are you talking to?
I'm right here.

Oh.

Morgan, are you
throwing your voice again?

What?

He is a crazy
talented ventriloquist,

but it gets us into trouble
in situations like this.

What did you say?

Whoa, I thought
the lamp was talking.

Hey, I'm going to help you
in the kitchen

like you asked me to.

Remember?

Okay, okay,
I'll go.

Bye, guys.

I, uh, guess
I should be taking this.

Look, I know it's weird, but
I didn't know she was coming.

Carl invited Dennis,
and he brought her.

Look, Gwen, it was a great
best-friendship, you know?

Thank you
for the good times.

What?
Don't be ridiculous.

Why do we always have to go
to this dramatic place?

I have houseguests.

Clearly, you have traded me in
for a newer model.

I just hope that you have
a great run with Mindy 2.0.

I did not set them up.

They met on our "doors
of greenwich, Connecticut" tour,

which, if memory serves,

you referred to
as "honky-palooza."

That is hilarious, but I don't
think that I said that.

Your date with Dennis
did not go well.

You said so yourself.

And I am my own worst critic.
You know that.

Remember that time
we went to karaoke,

and everyone was like,

"Mindy, you are, like,
a really good singer.

You should do this
professionally."

And I was like,
"no, I'm a doctor."

I don't even know
why you're freaking out.

You're dating Josh.

I am.
But it's not exclusive.

Well, Dennis is ready
to settle down,

and clearly,
he has found someone more...

More what?

Okay, look.

You are beautiful
and smart...

Gwen, more what?

I'm not saying
you're a mess.

But I'm not saying
you're not.

Well, I am glad to know
your diagnosis, Gwen.

And I'm very happy
to know what I am.

Could I, uh,
have the room?

Sure.
Take your time.

Sorry, gang.

We had to put grandma
to bed.

Between eating a new food
and meeting a new guy,

well, uh, all the excitement was
just too much for the old girl.

Jeremy and I
are going to go to clacker's

and play air hockey.

But we have an air-hockey table
in the basement.

That's nok hockey!

Volume, Betsy... your grandma's
trying to rest.

Is someone in the house?

Now that's gonna be
a whole thing.

Betsy, I think maybe
clacker's is best left

for another time.

On Thanksgiving, we putches,
we... we stick together.

Huh?

Hey, guys.
Is, uh, dinner ready yet?

Uh, Mindy, why are you
wearing my dress?

I just figured,
if I'm going to be a mess,

might as well be
a hot mess, right?

Couldn't change, anyway.

I'm not wearing any underwear.
Couldn't find any.

Dennis.

Take a picture,
why don't you?

It'll last longer.

You gross pervert.

You are now competing
with that turkey

For the best-looking bird.

Dennis, you are bad news.
You are.

I got to watch out for you.

Mmm, Doris, everything
is just wonderful.

And, Gene, thank you
so much again for this shirt.

It feels amazing.

It's so billowy.

Well, I noticed you
admiring mine,

so I thought I'd let you
take one out for a spin, eh?

Really makes you feel
like a hang-ten dude.

Quite.

Gene, you are a stitch.

Hey, um, Jeremy,

would you happen to know
a song called the gobble-wobble?

Dad!

Dad!
Yes.

It's just a dumb song
I made up when I was a kid.

I don't even remember it.

Come on, Betsy bear,
let's hear it, huh?

Betsy bear.

Betsy bear, Betsy bear.

Betsy bear...

Stop calling me Betsy bear!

You stopped calling Gordon
"pickles."

Well, I don't eat pickles
anymore.

I am sick of being treated
like a child.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Hey.

Hey.

I thought I'd find you
in here.

Why's that?

I checked, like,
four places before this.

Where's geeta?

She had to go.

There was a break-in
reported

at one of her listings,
so...

Oh, my God.
Are you okay?

Yeah.

You know,
I've always thought

Thanksgiving was kind of
a romantic holiday,

actually.

Just like the cozy fires

and the crisp autumn air.

Potatoes.

I'm sorry.

Dennis, potatoes.

You know, Mindy,
you're a lot different

than when we went
on that date.

I'm just kind of,
like, crazy,

like, unpredictable,
adorable,

and so, like,
just impulsive.

I'm a lot like
the weather, actually.

Okay.

Ah, the earth.

Where should I live next?

India?

Oh, God.
Okay.

Do-over.

Hey, buddy.

Hey.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Yeah, whatever, jerk.

I have never told
anyone this.

One time I was on
a flight,

and I was so hungry that
I told the flight attendant

I was kosher 'cause
they serve those meals first,

and this poor rabbi
two rows back

didn't get to eat.

Dennis, you're so bad.

Well, I mean, I guess
I felt pretty guilty about it.

Yeah? Did you like
that guilty feeling?

Yeah.
I feel like you did.

Kind of.

Mindy!

Oh, God!

Oh, sorry.
Okay.

I-I... this is my fault.

I let things
get out of hand.

No, it was my fault.

I instigated it,
and he loved it.

Dennis!

Honestly, I'm
as surprised as you are.

I'm not.

I, um...

I had a lot of iced tea
with dinner,

so I have to, uh, pee.

Excuse me.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I'm gonna hook up

with your indian friend's
boyfriend tonight,

probably, like, right here
in your husband's weird den,

because I'm a mess, Gwen.

You know, Mindy.
Yeah?

You're acting like
a huge bitch.

Oh, I'm acting like a bitch?

Yeah, bitch.

Let's dance.
Let's.

Oh, hey.

What a great photo
of governor pataki.

I didn't know that
Carl met him.

What an heirloom.

Is that how you want
to play this?

Because now...

It's on!

All right, okay.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You are in the middle

of ruining my Thanksgiving!

Why do you care
who I hook up with?

You're ruining my dress!
So what?

You guys want to see how
many push-ups I can do?

Stop chasing me, Gwen!

Saying sorry won't help
you now.

68, 69, 70!

Talk to the universal remote,
bitch!

Ow!

God, what is the matter
with you, you crazy...

I'm sorry,
is this Wayne Manor?

Your husband
is such a dork.

Don't talk about Carl
like that!

97!

Come on!

98! 99!

One more!

100!

Gwen!

You're being
a total psychopath!

Stay still for two seconds.

Get your big,
fat body off of me, you...

Hold on, Josh is calling.

Phone truce.
Phone truce, Gwen.

Oh, so what?
You're not even that into him.

I am into him.

But you don't want
to be exclusive with him.

I do want to be exclusive
with him.

He just doesn't want
to be exclusive with me.

Well, why didn't you
just tell me that?

Because it's embarrassing,
all right?

It's embarrassing
to tell you

that my boyfriend wants
to have sex with other women.

But he just called you.

All that proves is that
my phone number is in his phone,

and he's got plenty of those.

You don't know
what he wanted to say.

What difference
would it make?

What are you doing?

It's for the best.
I hit dial.

Gwen, if this had a cord,
I would choke you out right...

Mindy?

Hey, Josh.

May I come in?

Yeah.

Betsy, Betsy.

Dr. Reed,
do you know what it's like

to be treated like a child
even though you're not?

No, Betsy.
And you know what?

I wish I did.

I wasn't treated
like a child

even when I was one.

When I was ten, my father
told me to be a man

and tell my mother
he wanted a divorce.

Whoa.

She took it pretty well.

She told me to tell him

they'd been growing apart
for years.

The point is,

being treated like a child

isn't the worst thing
in the world.

And you've only got to do it
one day a year.

They're pretty bad
at Christmas too.

So two days.

And easter.

Whenever you're home,
Betsy.

Come on.
Let's go downstairs.

Hmm?

Josh, where are you?

I'm at a strip club in Atlanta
with some players I rep.

The buffet here
is all over the place...

Turkey, sushi, pizza.

It's weird.
I wish you could see it.

Josh, why are you calling me
from a strip club in Atlanta?

Because I miss you.

I'm sorry.
I didn't hear what you said.

Can you just repeat it?

You totally heard me.

The reception in the strip club
is spectacular.

Okay, well, the reception
at the strip club

that I am in
is not that good.

Just please repeat yourself.

Put it this way, kid.

Two girls just offered
to take me

to a back room and
"grind the pretty out of me,"

and all I can do
is think about one girl

who's 1,000 miles away.

Well, that is just about
the grossest thing

that anyone
has ever said to me.

Anyway,

since I'm keeping it zipped
for you,

I just thought
it might be nice

if you kept it zipped
for me too.

Okay,
so I'm sorry.

It sounds like now you want
to be exclusive with me.

Am I on speakerphone?

Hi, Josh.
I'm Gwen.

It's Gwen,
my best friend.

Oh, hey.

Okay, so, before,
you didn't want to be exclusive,

but now all of a sudden,
you do.

Look, I-I'm sorry.

I-I made a mistake.

Apology accepted.

Uh, yeah,
I think that could work.

I think I could be exclusive.
I don't know.

Okay, cool.

Okay, well, I got to go

prevent some adulteries
from happening, but...

Happy Thanksgiving.

See?

Every time I kick your ass,
something good happens.

I think you should kick my ass
on the regular.

Mm-hmm.

# And the piano
sounds like a carnival #

# and the microphone
smells like a beer #

# and they sit at the bar
and put bread in my jar #

# and say, "man,
what are you doing here?" #

Yes!

Yeah.

# Hey, little pilgrim,
what do you say? #

# let's all eat
some turkey today #

# and you do
the gobble-wobble #

# the gobble-wobble #

Mmm.

So glad that we, uh,
didn't make out back there.

What?

It was getting pretty hot,
so it's good

that we definitely
stopped short of kissing.

Right.

Yeah, it's definitely good
that we...

Definitely
did not make out.

# And the piano sounds #

Look like a cheetah.

# Like a carnival #

# and the microphone smells
like a beer #

# and they sit at the bar
and put bread in my jar #

# and say, "man,
what are you doing here?" #

# oh, la, la, la #

# di, di, da #

# la, la, di, di, da,
da, da #

# sing us a song,
you're the piano man #

# sing us a song tonight #

# well, we're all in the mood
for a melody #

# and you've got us feeling
all right #

Go to bed.