The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 5 - Danny Castellano Is My Gynecologist - full transcript
When Mindy's gynecologist retires, she and Danny bet on who will back out first if Danny were to be her new gynecologist.
Hey.
Hey, sleepyhead.
Josh?
Hmm?
Josh.
No.
Dude, wake up.
What?
Hey.
Oh, hey.
I'm sorry.
It's nothing.
It's just that I got cold,
so I put on your button-down,
but it doesn't even
fit me right,
'cause I'm just a girl.
No, that actually looks
really good on you.
Come on, no.
Yeah.
Yeah, you look like
drew Barrymore
in one of those movies
I hate.
No, I don't.
Come here. Back in bed.
You have work.
Back in bed.
Okay.
I have an idea.
How about we both
play hooky today?
Okay, can maybe do that.
Mm-hmm. Yeah?
How does this sound?
I'll go out,
get us some coffee
and croissants... mm-hmm.
And when I get back,
that shirt better be back
on the floor.
Okay.
Okay.
What are we even doing,
Josh?
I can't even believe my life
right now.
This is bad.
You are a bad influence on me.
This is weird.
What happened to my jeans?
Oh, my God.
The waist always like this?
Take those off right now.
This is bizarre.
There's all these jolly ranchers
in the pocket.
You are wearing my jeans.
Please take them off
right now.
No, it's fine.
We're doing the same thing.
No.
You're wearing my shirt,
I'm wearing your jeans.
No, no, it is not the same.
Okay?
This is adorable.
That is like
a lap-band surgery ad.
Lot of room
in the back.
Oh, my God, Josh!
Hey, what kind of coffee
do you want?
I don't want coffee!
I want you to go to work,
and I want you to take
your damn shirt!
Okay.
This took a turn.
Are you still here? Yeah.
Can I have my tie, please?
Leave your tie.
I'm gonna use it to hang myself.
媻
I know you said
that you don't want to know
the sex of your baby,
but let me just tell you,
It's the good one.
Bye, Courtney.
Did you receive
my texts?
I don't need to read your
pathetic "take me back" texts.
I'm sorry that I haunt you.
Just please move on.
Yeah, I would like
to move on, Mindy,
preferably with
the bulgari wristwatch
that I left in your apartment
the last time we... you know.
The last time
I accidentally allowed you
to let me rock your world?
Yeah, I might have seen
the watch.
Wh-what are you doing
in Dr. Shulman's office?
Hey.
Just working.
Why don't you work
in your own office?
You know,
one of these days,
Dr. Shulman's
going to retire,
so sometimes
I like to come in here
and get a feel
of what it's going to be like
when I'm in charge.
Okay, if we are indulging
imaginary situations,
I would love to introduce you
to my husband,
straight Anderson Cooper.
You know, I can imagine that
quite vividly.
I think the two of you would have
an amazing chemistry. Thank you.
Now can I please have
my watch back? No.
Mindy, the anger I feel
at the loss of my watch
is exceeded
only by my grief.
I'm in mourning.
Look, guys.
All this...
This under the Castellano regime
won't be tolerated.
This is two colleagues trying
to sort out a personal issue...
Exactly.
Who cares?
Just go work it out
in your own time.
Well,
under the Lahiri regime,
all voices
will be heard.
Dr. Lahiri?
Not now, Betsy.
Part of the reason...
Dr. Penney called
about your appointment.
Oh, God, yeah.
Can you please reschedule it?
That's the thing.
You've rescheduled five times.
I've been trying to tell you,
he retired two months ago.
That's incredible.
A gynecologist
that can't get it together
to go see
her gynecologist.
I'm going to ask Dr. Shulman
to be my gynecologist
because I'm kind of
his protege.
In your dreams.
Maybe when I'm in charge,
you can be my protege.
Well, now give her
a break.
I mean, she has
a long line of virtues...
Chief among which,
forgiveness.
Hey, man,
you were mean to me,
and I'm never going
to give you back your watch.
I do not appreciate how
I've been treated in this room.
Neither of you know
what I'm capable of.
I'm a better doctor
than the lot of you.
That guy cracks me up.
Very theatrical.
Morgan, hi.
Now I know
we've only just met,
but I'm absolutely fascinated
by your biography.
I'd love to know more.
I was born
in rockaway hospital.
They took me out little-caesars
style... through the guts.
Skipping forward a bit, um,
I'm particularly intrigued
by your background
as a reformed criminal.
Did you ever learn to,
say, pick locks?
That was my specialty.
They used to call me
the lock-ness Morgan,
mostly because I would show up
blurry in photographs.
But I don't do crimes
no more.
Oh.
What a shame.
It's just
I was hoping
on slipping
into Mindy's apartment
while she's here at work
and decorating it
for a little surprise party
for her...
Half birthday.
I love half birthdays.
Ah, I'm in.
Danny.
Danny, Danny.
Can you come here for a second?
What's up?
I can't tell you from out there.
Can you come...
Can you come a little bit closer?
I'm coming in, yeah.
What do you think
of this homemade retirement card
that I made for Dr. Penney?
Be honest.
Take the sunglasses
off the sun...
Makes no sense.
The sun's the only thing
that never
needs sunglasses.
Um, the sunglasses
are the best part.
That is how you know
that the sun is cool.
Okay, what are we
doing here?
Do you want to hear
something interesting?
Sure.
You can sit down.
No, I'm good.
Just talking to Dr. Shulman.
He says that he can't
take me on as a patient
'cause, get this...
Too close to me.
He just
likes me too much,
so I now need to find
a gynecologist
with whom I don't have
a personal relationship.
You're looking at one.
Wait, wait.
What does that mean?
You and I don't have
a personal relationship.
Yeah, we do.
We just collaborated
on this awesome card,
and we share an office.
I share an office
with lots of things.
You, that lamp.
I'm like the lamp?
I'll put it this way:
I have the same
personal attachment to you both.
The lamp provides light
to that part of the room.
You do what you do.
So what you're saying is that
you could be my gynecologist.
Nah, it would
never work.
Why wouldn't it work?
Finish the card?
I was just
thinking about it.
If I'm like a lamp
to you,
how come you couldn't be
my gynecologist?
I could be
your gynecologist.
I'm saying you couldn't
be my patient.
And why is that?
Come on.
No, why?
Because you have
a certain...
You know, look,
it's human.
What are you saying?
I see how you look at me
when I'm in a t-shirt.
Are you kidding me?
You are
such a narcissist!
You think I'm interested
in your weird body?
I do. I think you harbor
some very personal,
un-lamp-like feelings
for me.
I think, in fact,
that you harbor
un-lamp-like feelings
towards me.
Not the case.
And you couldn't handle
being my doctor.
Not the case.
Well, I guess there's
only one way to find out.
Congratulations,
you have a new patient.
Congratulations to you.
You now have the best ob-gyn
in this practice.
Great day for both of us.
Yeah.
You're not even going to make it
through the consultation, buddy.
All right? Wear your
tightest t-shirt, Mr. gorgeous,
and don't check me out
as I walk away.
Dr. Reed,
sweet burglar clothes.
Morgan.
I got
my break-in tools.
I got a pick,
screwdriver,
a nice, juicy t-bone steak
to distract any guard dogs.
Right?
Wait, wait, Dr. Reed! Wait!
No, don't leave without me!
Whoa!
What are you doing here?
How does she know
about the surprise?
I invited her to help
decorate Dr. Lahiri's place.
Ugh.
Any kind of party theme,
I'm ready.
"Under the sea,"
"New York, New York,"
baseball cap,
cell phone case, car keys...
This might be
the lost and found box.
I like to ask
all my new patients
some lifestyle questions to
learn more about their health.
Go for it.
And remember,
you can stop this at any point
if you begin
to feel uncomfortable.
Hey, so can you.
When did you first
start menstruating?
14, at a sleepover.
Best night of my life.
What was the date of the first
day of your last period?
11 days ago,
just when I wanted it to.
That's great.
Good for you.
And what's your typical
amount of flow?
Um...
Heavy on the first day,
and then kind of
Peters out by day four.
Are you sexually active?
Ha ha.
Are you?
Are you?
Are you?
Are you?
Are you?
Are you?
Are you? What do you think, Danny?
Yeah, I'm sexually active,
okay?
I'd prefer if you call me
Dr. Castellano.
I'd prefer that.
Sorry, Dr. Castellano.
Terrific.
When was the last time
you had sexual intercourse?
No, um, um, just write,
"the last time
that the moment was right..."
"The last time
that the moment was right."
"With someone I cared about,
and feelings were mutual."
Okay, I'm not writing
all that, but...
"A while ago."
Do you use contraception?
Yeah, condoms.
But ugh,
am I right?
I don't know.
What does "ugh" mean?
Well, condom etiquette,
it's hard for women, you know?
'Cause you want
to have condoms,
but you can't keep them
by the bed
'cause then it seems like
you're, like,
using them constantly,
but you can't not have them,
so you do, like,
that whole dance.
Like, "oh, hey, I think
I might have a couple somewhere,
"from, like, a bachelorette
party, like, I had as a goof,"
and then you have to look
a couple wrong places
before you finally,
like, "find" them,
Just to seem,
like, ladylike,
when you had them
the whole time.
You never had that experience?
Never.
How would you characterize
the nature
of your sexual activity?
What is that
supposed to mean?
What do you do
when you have sex?
Is that on the sheet?
We could stop.
You want to stop?
No, I'm having
a great time.
Great. Thanks so much.
Next question.
We're in.
Excellent work,
Morgan.
Thank you.
No guard dog?
That's a waste of a steak.
Come on, come on, come on,
come on, get in.
Whoa.
It's even more beautiful
than I imagined.
It's pretty cool
she can afford this place
on a woman's salary.
Okay,
first things first.
Mindy is a flashy,
yet sophisticated,
Cosmopolitan woman.
With that in mind,
where should we hang the pinata?
Above the stove.
No.
Nobody touch anything.
We're not here
to decorate.
I'm looking
for my watch.
But what about
Mindy's half birthday?
It was a fiction,
and I, its author.
If you two take anything
from this experience,
Question everything.
So not only
did I get tricked
into breaking into
my best friend's apartment,
you're telling me
there's no party?
I got priors!
This right here,
this is strike two for me.
I could spend
the rest of my life in jail
if I so much
as kill someone.
I'm out.
Do you exercise
or play sports?
I do the elliptical,
45 minutes, four times a week.
30 minutes,
three times a week.
There is a cluster of
elliptical machines at my gym.
I am planning on joining a gym
near my house, okay?
"Sedentary."
That's rude.
What medications
do you take?
I was taking fish oil
until the bottle
rolled behind my fridge.
"Almost takes fish oil."
I'm very healthy.
You drink?
Yeah,
I have a glass of wine
every night at dinner,
for my health.
So Betsy's
24th birthday party
must've been the healthiest
night of your life.
Hey, man,
those were jagerbombs,
all right?
Not wine.
So joke's on you,
"castel-lame-o."
You're upset. Maybe
you'd be more comfortable
talking
to another doctor, but...
No, I'm fine. I just don't know
how many questions
are on this insanely long
and nosy questionnaire.
There's just
one more page.
Okay,
easy-squeezy.
All right.
"Do you plan on
having children?"
I'm gonna check
"no."
Wait,
why would you check "no"?
I do want to have kids,
four of 'em.
Jaden, Madison, Brie,
and the little one is piper.
Are you kidding me
with those names?
You want a bunch of girls
who work at the mall?
More like
they own the mall.
But you aren't married or even
in a committed relationship.
Yeah, but when I do
get married,
I'm gonna stay married,
unlike you.
Okay, let's do the math
of how these four kids
are realistically
gonna play out.
Okay.
Math away, nerd.
So let's say you spend
the next year or so
dating this guy.
You're 33 then.
You spend a year
getting to know him, 34,
two years
living with him, 35, 36.
Finally he proposes.
You get married.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
You're 37.
You start talking
about having kids,
but the maternity leave
alone's enough
to take you
out of the game.
You spent so long
building your career... 38.
Now your husband starts
resenting how busy you are.
He wants someone
with more free time,
but you don't want to stop
working, so he moves out.
39.
Divorce is finalized, 40,
but you're not worried
because 40's
the new 30, right?
You immediately start dating
again, this time online.
Good news,
you find a guy real quick
and get married again.
41.
Got a couple kids
already, though,
so it takes some time
to convince him.
42, 43, 44.
Do you manage to have one kid
under the buzzer?
Hey, anything can happen.
Okay, now that we're done
with the paperwork,
are you ready
for your exam?
Are you?
Are you?
Are you?
Are you?
Are you?
Are you?
Danny's right, it's too late
for me to have kids.
I have no one.
Okay, I know you're sad,
but the floor is disgusting.
Do you know,
when I die,
in my will, I leave
all of my money to Tina Fey?
Tina Fey!
I don't even know her!
I just think
that she would spend it
in an interesting
and responsible way.
Oh, I have such a girl crush
on Tina Fey.
I hate it when people
say "girl crush."
No one's gonna think
you're a lesbian
if you just say "crush."
Gwen, I don't want all
of my money to go to Tina Fey.
I want it to go
to my kids and grandkids
so they can be
crazy socialites.
Look, you've spent years
building a career.
There's still plenty of time
to figure the rest out.
You're not 22. So what?
No one is.
I think people
are 22.
This Danny guy, he doesn't know
what's gonna happen.
No one does.
Take Carl and me...
Do you remember
how we met?
Of course I remember.
You and I
moved to the city
to be fun,
single roommates together,
and the first time
we go out, you get hit on
by some 37-year-old
pephile.
Oh, hey,
don't call him that!
I'm sorry, sexual predator.
Anyway,
he buys you a drink,
a year later,
I'm maid of honor
at the world's
stuffiest wedding,
and two years after that,
you have some random baby.
Your goddaughter.
Whom I have grown
to love.
Thank you.
The point is, when I met Carl,
I didn't see it coming,
and when it happens for you,
you won't see it coming either.
Gwen, that was, like,
crazy inspirational.
I don't say this
lightly:
You should write
magazine articles.
Hey, Dr. l.,
if you've been wondering wre
I've been the last few hours,
I was at the movies.
That's my ticket,
so that's what I've
been up to, alibi-wise.
Hey, Morgan,
I want to encourage you
not to check in with me
as much.
Why are you
on the floor?
Did someone
kick your ass?
Emotionally, yes.
Well,
lucky for you,
guess whose number one trait
is "listens good".
Me.
What's your name?
Gwen.
"Gurn"?
What kind of name is that?
Dr. Reed,
stop this right now.
I'm calling Dr. Lahiri.
To tell her what, Betsy?
That you were my accomplice?
That you dragged me here
against my will
to ravish me
on her own bed?
To eat her gummy worms?
Hmm?
I didn't think
she'd miss a couple.
You know, some of the people
around the office
think you're a jerk...
Ohmy God.
But when you and Dr. Lahiri
started going on bedroom dates,
I figured there had to be
some good in you,
but now that I see
the kind of guy you are,
I like you less,
and that makes me like
Dr. Lahiri a little less too,
which makes me
not like you at all!
Here's your dumb watch.
I found it
in the nightstand
next to a tube of really
slippery toothpaste.
That son of a bitch.
I know.
Thank you for saying that.
I mean, he's technically
your boss,
so I would not repeat that,
but thank you.
Listen,
sit down.
I'm gonna give you guys
some prison Wisdom.
Okay?
If you're too tall
for a blanket,
sew together two of them.
Voila, long blanket.
Okay, that sucked.
That was a bad one.
That was a bad one.
Give me one more.
Okay.
Look, whenever
I got my ass kicked,
whether it was
my literal butt ass
or my emotional heart ass,
I did the same thing.
I got back out there,
and I made 'em regret
they ever messed with me
in the first place.
Is this helpful
to you?
I think it's heading
somewhere helpful.
Okay.
Think of the best, strongest
warrior version of yourself.
Give that warrior
a name.
Never tell it
to anyone.
Mine is
axehead lundgren.
Come on, Morgan!
Wait, keep going.
This is interesting.
Okay, okay, then whatever
he's doing to the warrior,
he's not doing to you,
so you find his weakness,
and you tell your warrior
to go get him.
Wow.
You two are the smartest people
that I've ever met.
I think you'd actually have
pretty smart babies.
Did I sense
a chemistry here?
I was thinking the same thing.
Uh, definitely not.
What'd you say?
I was talking.
Shauna, where's Betsy?
Hmm?
I suddenly have an opening
in my schedule.
Did Dr. Lahiri fold?
Is she a virgin?
I knew it.
Shauna, I can't comment
on a patient,
even one who's no longer
a patient of mine
because she
couldn't handle it.
Now, I'm gonna use
my free hour to work out.
Only an hour,
Danny?
Don't you need
more than that
to perfect all the hot muscles
on your great body?
That had the cadence
of an insult,
but it was
a compliment.
Whatever.
I will see you
in the exam room.
Whoa.
Hi, Mindy,
how are you?
My urine.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Great work.
And now,
let's get your weight.
Uh, you're in luck,
I weighed myself last night.
You can just write that down,
120 pounds.
Perfect.
We'll just verify that.
Why don't you
hop right up here?
Do you want to stop?
No.
Just taking a second.
Okay.
Oh, we'll just...
Guess we'll have to add
a little bit of weight.
God, you are
such a jerk.
How do you sleep
at night?
I sleep pretty good.
No wonder
your wife left you.
Hey, babe, we can stop
this train anytime you want.
Don't listen to him.
What's that,
Mindy?
You're not Mindy,
you're a warrior,
and your warrior name
is...
Beyonce pad thai.
Keep going.
Are you sure?
Weigh me,
you son of a bitch!
Damn it!
Oh!
Good-bye,
old friend.
Keep time.
You're a good doctor,
Danny.
Yeah, okay.
No, I mean it.
Even with all of this,
I'm really
learning a lot.
Told you I was
the best doctor here.
Why did want to be an o.B.?
Were your parents doctors?
Oh, please.
My mom
cleaned motel rooms.
What about your dad?
My dad?
Your guess
is as good as mine.
I haven't seen him
in 25 years.
Wow, that must've
been hard.
You know what?
I'm glad it was hard.
If it wasn't hard,
I wouldn't be who I am.
I'm happy that you feel enough
of a personal relationship
with me that you
could open up about that.
What?
I didn't...
I didn't open up to you
about anything.
So I don't feel a personal
relationship to you, okay?
Can we just...
Just finish the exam?
What's next?
The breast exam,
my friend.
Right.
Dr. Reed,
where have you been?
Your patients
were waiting so long,
some of them
are in a new trimester.
I went for a walk, Shauna,
and I must have
lost track of time,
because you see,
I still don't have...
A watch.
No offense,
but that excuse stinks.
I told them you were helping
a little black kid.
That's pretty good.
Huh.
I've never had a gynecologist
examine my face before.
I'm just being thorough.
Yeah?
Yeah.
If you feel uncomfortable
with any of this,
we can stop
at any time.
Are you kidding me?
I'm fine.
You sure?
Absolutely fine.
Okay.
My breasts.
Yup.
Go nuts.
I will.
I will.
Okay.
Hey, hey.
Eyes down here.
Mmm.
Shut up, okay?
Just... come on, shut up.
What? What?
Don't do that
to me.
What am I doing?
I'm sorry.
It's just, you were
doing a good job.
Does everything
feel normal?
Yes, it feels...
It feels fine.
You know, um,
after you finish this,
we have the, uh,
main event.
I can't, okay.
Okay, I...
I-I can't do this.
You're being ridiculous.
Why?
I thought you thought
of me as a lamp.
Why don't you
just examine my wires?
I'm going home,
okay?
I'm going home.
Everyone!
Everyone! Listen up!
I am sorry to announce
that Danny Castellano
was unable to finish
my gynecological exam
because of
his personal feelings for me,
which got in the way.
Dr. Castellano,
is that true?
I'm not coming in
tomorrow.
Danny! Danny,
you may take the day off,
but our friendship
endureth.
Taking the week off.
See you, Danny!
Nice to know ya!
Beyonce pad thai!
Thank you,
thank you.
Thanks so much.
It was difficult,
but I managed to win in the end.
Hey, I'm realizing that I still
don't have a gynecologist.
I kind of dropped the ball
on that one.
Do you think you
can help me out with that?
Yeah.
Proud of you, dog.
Peace.
You're a badass bitch.
I appreciate that.
Watch out for the wall.
Uh, left, left, left.
Right, right,
yup.
Ugh!
Yup. Yup.
Awesome.
Go to bed.
Hey, sleepyhead.
Josh?
Hmm?
Josh.
No.
Dude, wake up.
What?
Hey.
Oh, hey.
I'm sorry.
It's nothing.
It's just that I got cold,
so I put on your button-down,
but it doesn't even
fit me right,
'cause I'm just a girl.
No, that actually looks
really good on you.
Come on, no.
Yeah.
Yeah, you look like
drew Barrymore
in one of those movies
I hate.
No, I don't.
Come here. Back in bed.
You have work.
Back in bed.
Okay.
I have an idea.
How about we both
play hooky today?
Okay, can maybe do that.
Mm-hmm. Yeah?
How does this sound?
I'll go out,
get us some coffee
and croissants... mm-hmm.
And when I get back,
that shirt better be back
on the floor.
Okay.
Okay.
What are we even doing,
Josh?
I can't even believe my life
right now.
This is bad.
You are a bad influence on me.
This is weird.
What happened to my jeans?
Oh, my God.
The waist always like this?
Take those off right now.
This is bizarre.
There's all these jolly ranchers
in the pocket.
You are wearing my jeans.
Please take them off
right now.
No, it's fine.
We're doing the same thing.
No.
You're wearing my shirt,
I'm wearing your jeans.
No, no, it is not the same.
Okay?
This is adorable.
That is like
a lap-band surgery ad.
Lot of room
in the back.
Oh, my God, Josh!
Hey, what kind of coffee
do you want?
I don't want coffee!
I want you to go to work,
and I want you to take
your damn shirt!
Okay.
This took a turn.
Are you still here? Yeah.
Can I have my tie, please?
Leave your tie.
I'm gonna use it to hang myself.
媻
I know you said
that you don't want to know
the sex of your baby,
but let me just tell you,
It's the good one.
Bye, Courtney.
Did you receive
my texts?
I don't need to read your
pathetic "take me back" texts.
I'm sorry that I haunt you.
Just please move on.
Yeah, I would like
to move on, Mindy,
preferably with
the bulgari wristwatch
that I left in your apartment
the last time we... you know.
The last time
I accidentally allowed you
to let me rock your world?
Yeah, I might have seen
the watch.
Wh-what are you doing
in Dr. Shulman's office?
Hey.
Just working.
Why don't you work
in your own office?
You know,
one of these days,
Dr. Shulman's
going to retire,
so sometimes
I like to come in here
and get a feel
of what it's going to be like
when I'm in charge.
Okay, if we are indulging
imaginary situations,
I would love to introduce you
to my husband,
straight Anderson Cooper.
You know, I can imagine that
quite vividly.
I think the two of you would have
an amazing chemistry. Thank you.
Now can I please have
my watch back? No.
Mindy, the anger I feel
at the loss of my watch
is exceeded
only by my grief.
I'm in mourning.
Look, guys.
All this...
This under the Castellano regime
won't be tolerated.
This is two colleagues trying
to sort out a personal issue...
Exactly.
Who cares?
Just go work it out
in your own time.
Well,
under the Lahiri regime,
all voices
will be heard.
Dr. Lahiri?
Not now, Betsy.
Part of the reason...
Dr. Penney called
about your appointment.
Oh, God, yeah.
Can you please reschedule it?
That's the thing.
You've rescheduled five times.
I've been trying to tell you,
he retired two months ago.
That's incredible.
A gynecologist
that can't get it together
to go see
her gynecologist.
I'm going to ask Dr. Shulman
to be my gynecologist
because I'm kind of
his protege.
In your dreams.
Maybe when I'm in charge,
you can be my protege.
Well, now give her
a break.
I mean, she has
a long line of virtues...
Chief among which,
forgiveness.
Hey, man,
you were mean to me,
and I'm never going
to give you back your watch.
I do not appreciate how
I've been treated in this room.
Neither of you know
what I'm capable of.
I'm a better doctor
than the lot of you.
That guy cracks me up.
Very theatrical.
Morgan, hi.
Now I know
we've only just met,
but I'm absolutely fascinated
by your biography.
I'd love to know more.
I was born
in rockaway hospital.
They took me out little-caesars
style... through the guts.
Skipping forward a bit, um,
I'm particularly intrigued
by your background
as a reformed criminal.
Did you ever learn to,
say, pick locks?
That was my specialty.
They used to call me
the lock-ness Morgan,
mostly because I would show up
blurry in photographs.
But I don't do crimes
no more.
Oh.
What a shame.
It's just
I was hoping
on slipping
into Mindy's apartment
while she's here at work
and decorating it
for a little surprise party
for her...
Half birthday.
I love half birthdays.
Ah, I'm in.
Danny.
Danny, Danny.
Can you come here for a second?
What's up?
I can't tell you from out there.
Can you come...
Can you come a little bit closer?
I'm coming in, yeah.
What do you think
of this homemade retirement card
that I made for Dr. Penney?
Be honest.
Take the sunglasses
off the sun...
Makes no sense.
The sun's the only thing
that never
needs sunglasses.
Um, the sunglasses
are the best part.
That is how you know
that the sun is cool.
Okay, what are we
doing here?
Do you want to hear
something interesting?
Sure.
You can sit down.
No, I'm good.
Just talking to Dr. Shulman.
He says that he can't
take me on as a patient
'cause, get this...
Too close to me.
He just
likes me too much,
so I now need to find
a gynecologist
with whom I don't have
a personal relationship.
You're looking at one.
Wait, wait.
What does that mean?
You and I don't have
a personal relationship.
Yeah, we do.
We just collaborated
on this awesome card,
and we share an office.
I share an office
with lots of things.
You, that lamp.
I'm like the lamp?
I'll put it this way:
I have the same
personal attachment to you both.
The lamp provides light
to that part of the room.
You do what you do.
So what you're saying is that
you could be my gynecologist.
Nah, it would
never work.
Why wouldn't it work?
Finish the card?
I was just
thinking about it.
If I'm like a lamp
to you,
how come you couldn't be
my gynecologist?
I could be
your gynecologist.
I'm saying you couldn't
be my patient.
And why is that?
Come on.
No, why?
Because you have
a certain...
You know, look,
it's human.
What are you saying?
I see how you look at me
when I'm in a t-shirt.
Are you kidding me?
You are
such a narcissist!
You think I'm interested
in your weird body?
I do. I think you harbor
some very personal,
un-lamp-like feelings
for me.
I think, in fact,
that you harbor
un-lamp-like feelings
towards me.
Not the case.
And you couldn't handle
being my doctor.
Not the case.
Well, I guess there's
only one way to find out.
Congratulations,
you have a new patient.
Congratulations to you.
You now have the best ob-gyn
in this practice.
Great day for both of us.
Yeah.
You're not even going to make it
through the consultation, buddy.
All right? Wear your
tightest t-shirt, Mr. gorgeous,
and don't check me out
as I walk away.
Dr. Reed,
sweet burglar clothes.
Morgan.
I got
my break-in tools.
I got a pick,
screwdriver,
a nice, juicy t-bone steak
to distract any guard dogs.
Right?
Wait, wait, Dr. Reed! Wait!
No, don't leave without me!
Whoa!
What are you doing here?
How does she know
about the surprise?
I invited her to help
decorate Dr. Lahiri's place.
Ugh.
Any kind of party theme,
I'm ready.
"Under the sea,"
"New York, New York,"
baseball cap,
cell phone case, car keys...
This might be
the lost and found box.
I like to ask
all my new patients
some lifestyle questions to
learn more about their health.
Go for it.
And remember,
you can stop this at any point
if you begin
to feel uncomfortable.
Hey, so can you.
When did you first
start menstruating?
14, at a sleepover.
Best night of my life.
What was the date of the first
day of your last period?
11 days ago,
just when I wanted it to.
That's great.
Good for you.
And what's your typical
amount of flow?
Um...
Heavy on the first day,
and then kind of
Peters out by day four.
Are you sexually active?
Ha ha.
Are you?
Are you?
Are you?
Are you?
Are you?
Are you?
Are you? What do you think, Danny?
Yeah, I'm sexually active,
okay?
I'd prefer if you call me
Dr. Castellano.
I'd prefer that.
Sorry, Dr. Castellano.
Terrific.
When was the last time
you had sexual intercourse?
No, um, um, just write,
"the last time
that the moment was right..."
"The last time
that the moment was right."
"With someone I cared about,
and feelings were mutual."
Okay, I'm not writing
all that, but...
"A while ago."
Do you use contraception?
Yeah, condoms.
But ugh,
am I right?
I don't know.
What does "ugh" mean?
Well, condom etiquette,
it's hard for women, you know?
'Cause you want
to have condoms,
but you can't keep them
by the bed
'cause then it seems like
you're, like,
using them constantly,
but you can't not have them,
so you do, like,
that whole dance.
Like, "oh, hey, I think
I might have a couple somewhere,
"from, like, a bachelorette
party, like, I had as a goof,"
and then you have to look
a couple wrong places
before you finally,
like, "find" them,
Just to seem,
like, ladylike,
when you had them
the whole time.
You never had that experience?
Never.
How would you characterize
the nature
of your sexual activity?
What is that
supposed to mean?
What do you do
when you have sex?
Is that on the sheet?
We could stop.
You want to stop?
No, I'm having
a great time.
Great. Thanks so much.
Next question.
We're in.
Excellent work,
Morgan.
Thank you.
No guard dog?
That's a waste of a steak.
Come on, come on, come on,
come on, get in.
Whoa.
It's even more beautiful
than I imagined.
It's pretty cool
she can afford this place
on a woman's salary.
Okay,
first things first.
Mindy is a flashy,
yet sophisticated,
Cosmopolitan woman.
With that in mind,
where should we hang the pinata?
Above the stove.
No.
Nobody touch anything.
We're not here
to decorate.
I'm looking
for my watch.
But what about
Mindy's half birthday?
It was a fiction,
and I, its author.
If you two take anything
from this experience,
Question everything.
So not only
did I get tricked
into breaking into
my best friend's apartment,
you're telling me
there's no party?
I got priors!
This right here,
this is strike two for me.
I could spend
the rest of my life in jail
if I so much
as kill someone.
I'm out.
Do you exercise
or play sports?
I do the elliptical,
45 minutes, four times a week.
30 minutes,
three times a week.
There is a cluster of
elliptical machines at my gym.
I am planning on joining a gym
near my house, okay?
"Sedentary."
That's rude.
What medications
do you take?
I was taking fish oil
until the bottle
rolled behind my fridge.
"Almost takes fish oil."
I'm very healthy.
You drink?
Yeah,
I have a glass of wine
every night at dinner,
for my health.
So Betsy's
24th birthday party
must've been the healthiest
night of your life.
Hey, man,
those were jagerbombs,
all right?
Not wine.
So joke's on you,
"castel-lame-o."
You're upset. Maybe
you'd be more comfortable
talking
to another doctor, but...
No, I'm fine. I just don't know
how many questions
are on this insanely long
and nosy questionnaire.
There's just
one more page.
Okay,
easy-squeezy.
All right.
"Do you plan on
having children?"
I'm gonna check
"no."
Wait,
why would you check "no"?
I do want to have kids,
four of 'em.
Jaden, Madison, Brie,
and the little one is piper.
Are you kidding me
with those names?
You want a bunch of girls
who work at the mall?
More like
they own the mall.
But you aren't married or even
in a committed relationship.
Yeah, but when I do
get married,
I'm gonna stay married,
unlike you.
Okay, let's do the math
of how these four kids
are realistically
gonna play out.
Okay.
Math away, nerd.
So let's say you spend
the next year or so
dating this guy.
You're 33 then.
You spend a year
getting to know him, 34,
two years
living with him, 35, 36.
Finally he proposes.
You get married.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
You're 37.
You start talking
about having kids,
but the maternity leave
alone's enough
to take you
out of the game.
You spent so long
building your career... 38.
Now your husband starts
resenting how busy you are.
He wants someone
with more free time,
but you don't want to stop
working, so he moves out.
39.
Divorce is finalized, 40,
but you're not worried
because 40's
the new 30, right?
You immediately start dating
again, this time online.
Good news,
you find a guy real quick
and get married again.
41.
Got a couple kids
already, though,
so it takes some time
to convince him.
42, 43, 44.
Do you manage to have one kid
under the buzzer?
Hey, anything can happen.
Okay, now that we're done
with the paperwork,
are you ready
for your exam?
Are you?
Are you?
Are you?
Are you?
Are you?
Are you?
Danny's right, it's too late
for me to have kids.
I have no one.
Okay, I know you're sad,
but the floor is disgusting.
Do you know,
when I die,
in my will, I leave
all of my money to Tina Fey?
Tina Fey!
I don't even know her!
I just think
that she would spend it
in an interesting
and responsible way.
Oh, I have such a girl crush
on Tina Fey.
I hate it when people
say "girl crush."
No one's gonna think
you're a lesbian
if you just say "crush."
Gwen, I don't want all
of my money to go to Tina Fey.
I want it to go
to my kids and grandkids
so they can be
crazy socialites.
Look, you've spent years
building a career.
There's still plenty of time
to figure the rest out.
You're not 22. So what?
No one is.
I think people
are 22.
This Danny guy, he doesn't know
what's gonna happen.
No one does.
Take Carl and me...
Do you remember
how we met?
Of course I remember.
You and I
moved to the city
to be fun,
single roommates together,
and the first time
we go out, you get hit on
by some 37-year-old
pephile.
Oh, hey,
don't call him that!
I'm sorry, sexual predator.
Anyway,
he buys you a drink,
a year later,
I'm maid of honor
at the world's
stuffiest wedding,
and two years after that,
you have some random baby.
Your goddaughter.
Whom I have grown
to love.
Thank you.
The point is, when I met Carl,
I didn't see it coming,
and when it happens for you,
you won't see it coming either.
Gwen, that was, like,
crazy inspirational.
I don't say this
lightly:
You should write
magazine articles.
Hey, Dr. l.,
if you've been wondering wre
I've been the last few hours,
I was at the movies.
That's my ticket,
so that's what I've
been up to, alibi-wise.
Hey, Morgan,
I want to encourage you
not to check in with me
as much.
Why are you
on the floor?
Did someone
kick your ass?
Emotionally, yes.
Well,
lucky for you,
guess whose number one trait
is "listens good".
Me.
What's your name?
Gwen.
"Gurn"?
What kind of name is that?
Dr. Reed,
stop this right now.
I'm calling Dr. Lahiri.
To tell her what, Betsy?
That you were my accomplice?
That you dragged me here
against my will
to ravish me
on her own bed?
To eat her gummy worms?
Hmm?
I didn't think
she'd miss a couple.
You know, some of the people
around the office
think you're a jerk...
Ohmy God.
But when you and Dr. Lahiri
started going on bedroom dates,
I figured there had to be
some good in you,
but now that I see
the kind of guy you are,
I like you less,
and that makes me like
Dr. Lahiri a little less too,
which makes me
not like you at all!
Here's your dumb watch.
I found it
in the nightstand
next to a tube of really
slippery toothpaste.
That son of a bitch.
I know.
Thank you for saying that.
I mean, he's technically
your boss,
so I would not repeat that,
but thank you.
Listen,
sit down.
I'm gonna give you guys
some prison Wisdom.
Okay?
If you're too tall
for a blanket,
sew together two of them.
Voila, long blanket.
Okay, that sucked.
That was a bad one.
That was a bad one.
Give me one more.
Okay.
Look, whenever
I got my ass kicked,
whether it was
my literal butt ass
or my emotional heart ass,
I did the same thing.
I got back out there,
and I made 'em regret
they ever messed with me
in the first place.
Is this helpful
to you?
I think it's heading
somewhere helpful.
Okay.
Think of the best, strongest
warrior version of yourself.
Give that warrior
a name.
Never tell it
to anyone.
Mine is
axehead lundgren.
Come on, Morgan!
Wait, keep going.
This is interesting.
Okay, okay, then whatever
he's doing to the warrior,
he's not doing to you,
so you find his weakness,
and you tell your warrior
to go get him.
Wow.
You two are the smartest people
that I've ever met.
I think you'd actually have
pretty smart babies.
Did I sense
a chemistry here?
I was thinking the same thing.
Uh, definitely not.
What'd you say?
I was talking.
Shauna, where's Betsy?
Hmm?
I suddenly have an opening
in my schedule.
Did Dr. Lahiri fold?
Is she a virgin?
I knew it.
Shauna, I can't comment
on a patient,
even one who's no longer
a patient of mine
because she
couldn't handle it.
Now, I'm gonna use
my free hour to work out.
Only an hour,
Danny?
Don't you need
more than that
to perfect all the hot muscles
on your great body?
That had the cadence
of an insult,
but it was
a compliment.
Whatever.
I will see you
in the exam room.
Whoa.
Hi, Mindy,
how are you?
My urine.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Great work.
And now,
let's get your weight.
Uh, you're in luck,
I weighed myself last night.
You can just write that down,
120 pounds.
Perfect.
We'll just verify that.
Why don't you
hop right up here?
Do you want to stop?
No.
Just taking a second.
Okay.
Oh, we'll just...
Guess we'll have to add
a little bit of weight.
God, you are
such a jerk.
How do you sleep
at night?
I sleep pretty good.
No wonder
your wife left you.
Hey, babe, we can stop
this train anytime you want.
Don't listen to him.
What's that,
Mindy?
You're not Mindy,
you're a warrior,
and your warrior name
is...
Beyonce pad thai.
Keep going.
Are you sure?
Weigh me,
you son of a bitch!
Damn it!
Oh!
Good-bye,
old friend.
Keep time.
You're a good doctor,
Danny.
Yeah, okay.
No, I mean it.
Even with all of this,
I'm really
learning a lot.
Told you I was
the best doctor here.
Why did want to be an o.B.?
Were your parents doctors?
Oh, please.
My mom
cleaned motel rooms.
What about your dad?
My dad?
Your guess
is as good as mine.
I haven't seen him
in 25 years.
Wow, that must've
been hard.
You know what?
I'm glad it was hard.
If it wasn't hard,
I wouldn't be who I am.
I'm happy that you feel enough
of a personal relationship
with me that you
could open up about that.
What?
I didn't...
I didn't open up to you
about anything.
So I don't feel a personal
relationship to you, okay?
Can we just...
Just finish the exam?
What's next?
The breast exam,
my friend.
Right.
Dr. Reed,
where have you been?
Your patients
were waiting so long,
some of them
are in a new trimester.
I went for a walk, Shauna,
and I must have
lost track of time,
because you see,
I still don't have...
A watch.
No offense,
but that excuse stinks.
I told them you were helping
a little black kid.
That's pretty good.
Huh.
I've never had a gynecologist
examine my face before.
I'm just being thorough.
Yeah?
Yeah.
If you feel uncomfortable
with any of this,
we can stop
at any time.
Are you kidding me?
I'm fine.
You sure?
Absolutely fine.
Okay.
My breasts.
Yup.
Go nuts.
I will.
I will.
Okay.
Hey, hey.
Eyes down here.
Mmm.
Shut up, okay?
Just... come on, shut up.
What? What?
Don't do that
to me.
What am I doing?
I'm sorry.
It's just, you were
doing a good job.
Does everything
feel normal?
Yes, it feels...
It feels fine.
You know, um,
after you finish this,
we have the, uh,
main event.
I can't, okay.
Okay, I...
I-I can't do this.
You're being ridiculous.
Why?
I thought you thought
of me as a lamp.
Why don't you
just examine my wires?
I'm going home,
okay?
I'm going home.
Everyone!
Everyone! Listen up!
I am sorry to announce
that Danny Castellano
was unable to finish
my gynecological exam
because of
his personal feelings for me,
which got in the way.
Dr. Castellano,
is that true?
I'm not coming in
tomorrow.
Danny! Danny,
you may take the day off,
but our friendship
endureth.
Taking the week off.
See you, Danny!
Nice to know ya!
Beyonce pad thai!
Thank you,
thank you.
Thanks so much.
It was difficult,
but I managed to win in the end.
Hey, I'm realizing that I still
don't have a gynecologist.
I kind of dropped the ball
on that one.
Do you think you
can help me out with that?
Yeah.
Proud of you, dog.
Peace.
You're a badass bitch.
I appreciate that.
Watch out for the wall.
Uh, left, left, left.
Right, right,
yup.
Ugh!
Yup. Yup.
Awesome.
Go to bed.