The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 4 - Halloween - full transcript

Autumn in New York...

the leaves go from
green to orange...

the lattes go from
vanilla to pumpkin...

and girls toss their
razors out the window,

for there'll be no
bare leg seen until April.

And pirates and witches
put aside their differences

to beg for candy.

Josh, isn't this
one of the reasons

why you decided
to move to Manhattan?

I always wanted
to live in Tampa,

get one of those big,
beige houses on the golf course,



Jose Canseco on one side,

- canal full of gators on the other.
- Okay.

Throw a hot dog at a gator
and see if he eats it.

Man, I am really learning a lot

about you on this date.

So this is a date?

I was wondering.

Because meeting up for coffee

at 8:00 AM
on a weekday is--

you're really afraid I'm going
to attack you, aren't you?

No, no, this is a morning date.

It's great.
I get to know you better,

I bought a French press,

and these world music CDs.



Well, I read about this thing

called a night date.

You into that?

Weird.
Tell me more.

Well, ESPN is having
their Halloween party tonight.

- Cool.
- And these guys go all out

in the costumes,
so you're gonna have

to dress to impress.

I'm sorry, who am I supposed
to be trying to impress?

I'm just saying,
it's a hot ticket.

I mean, last year
I took a model.

Well, lucky for you,
I was featured

in my college admissions
brochure

holding a test tube.

So I guess you have
a thing for models.

Look, as long
as you look great tonight,

no worries.

You know,
I think I'm just gonna have

to get back to you about this.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

Oh. Then I should line up
some backup.

Just in case.

Boop, boop, boop.
Contacts.

Brrr.

Wow.
All these girls.

Brrr.

Just the Caitlins.
Still on the Caitlins.

- Brrr.
- Relax.

Okay, you don't know
that many Caitlins.

You'd be surprised.

It was a very popular name
in 1987.

Brrr.

Hey, guys, so I'm gonna go run
this errand.

I got you, man.

Got the whole thing on video.

Mm, I had it flipped on me.

Why don't you go back
in your office and come out?

You know, nothing scary
will happen.

I got to run.
I can't.

I got to run this errand
for the rest of the day, so...

Hello, all.
I have to pop out

for the rest of the day
to run an errand.

I will see you tomorrow.

That's a coincidence

'cause I also have to--
I have to run an errand

for the rest of the day.

See, my condo's
being reassessed,

so I got to go
to the assessor's office.

Since we're closing early
for Halloween anyway...

You're sweating.

Oh, am I?

If I am, just using
the ab roller in there.

Gonna have abs of steel.
But gonna-- go feel it.

- You want to go feel it?
- I do not want to do that.

It's still warm.

The handles are probably
really wet,

but anyway,
so that notary republic is--

Danny, it's not notary republic

'cause then it would be
a country.

And nobody cares

about your boring lies
and your sweaty forehead

and the notary public that
you're clearly not going to.

Who would lie about going
to a notary public?

Please leave
before I have to hear

- the words "notary public" again.
- Okay.

So I'm gonna--

- Exit faster.
- Okay. If anyone calls--

- Oh, my God, go.
- Why won't this end?

Okay.

I thought
you were right behind me.

Maybe lying doesn't come

as easy to me
as it does to you.

Hey, I'm happy to tell them
where we're going.

- No.
- Oh, my God. Your hand is sopping wet.

It's from the ab roller.

Oh, my God, Tom.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Oh, my God.

- Come on.
- Tom.

Oh, Tom.
I'm so sorry.

I'm so--
oh, my God.

Tom, Tom, let me help, please.

- Come on.
- It's okay. I know him.

We used to date.
It's-- we're fine.

Don't leave me alone
with this lady.

Well, don't be theatrical.

- Am I bleeding?
- Um...

- I'm bleeding.
- I'm so sorry. Please, Tom.

Here.
Let me help you up.

I taste pennies.

This looks good.

You're gonna look better
than when you came in.

Hey, you wanted, like,

Frankenstein stitches

'cause of Halloween, right?

Really, it's not bad at all.

If I'd really want to hurt you,

I would have sent
all your contacts

that video of you spitting out

that bite of hot pizza.

Hey, you know what?

I still owe you a wedding gift.

Is there anything on the
registry that you still need?

Go back in time
and don't ruin my wedding?

Tom, I'm sorry, okay?

I'm really sorry.

Back then, I was, like,
a little messed up,

and I think I was kind of drunk
at the wedding too

- a little bit.
- You were really drunk at the wedding.

I was hurt then,
but I'm not now.

I'm dating a blond guy.

And I just--
I wish the best

for both you and--
you know,

I don't even know her name.

Right.

I know I hurt you too,
and I'm sorry.

I was recording
this conversation

in case you threatened me,

but now I'm gonna stop.

Aww.

So tell me about blondie.

Who's this guy?

His name is Josh,

and he is an attorney
for NBA players.

He is definitely confident.

Very confident.
Almost too confident.

Like, he can be sometimes
a little obnoxious,

I think, but he's very funny.

Not funny in a way
that you, like, want

to laugh all the time,
but you're kind of like, ehh,

- "it offends me."
- So he's a jerk?

No, he's not a jerk.
I like him.

He's just-- I wouldn't
necessarily, like, curl up

with him and watch
Breaking Bad.

Don't say anything
about Breaking Bad.

I haven't seen season five yet.

You are so weird
about spoilers.

No, you're doing it right now.

If you're obsessed with TV,

why don't you keep up with it
in a timely way?

Stop, stop, stop,
that's what you do.

I just said Breaking Bad.
Tom, you always freak out

- about spoilers.
- You say one word,

- it ruins the whole thing.
- I stopped talking about it.

- You done? You done?
- Yeah.

We're not talking about it?
Okay.

I'm supposed
to meet him tonight

for a party, but I think

I'm just gonna end it with him.

Well, good for you.

Yeah, don't settle.

- Thanks, Tom.
- You're welcome.

Look at us,
all mature and evolved.

Who's that?

Orderly I asked to tackle you

in case you tried
to hurt me again.

Fair enough.

You okay?

Yeah.
Of course I'm okay.

Let's do this.

Whoa. Old.

The average New Yorker
doesn't get his driver's license

until he's 26.

Whoa. Nerd.

Shut up.

I'm trying to study.

I'll knock you out.

I will knock you out,
I don't care how old you are.

- Okay, okay. Come on.
- No, I'm serious.

Now I know if I eat this mummy,
I'm gonna regret it.

Nightmares galore.

It was so great
running into Tom.

I mean, I was dreading it, but
only because I hadn't realized

how far I had come.

I'm happy.
He is happy.

It is so weird
being my own role model.

- You know, I recommend it.
- Oh, wow.

Okay, I got to see
a picture of this Tom guy

because I'm trying
to imagine you guys making love,

and I'm just seeing you,
like, climbing up

on a giant question mark.

Betsy, why don't you pull up
his profile?

- Thank you.
- Good idea.

Ooh, Tom changed his
profile pic for Halloween.

It's a ghost.

That's not a ghost.
It's a...

It's a sonogram.

Oh, you didn't say
Tom's having a baby.

He didn't tell me.

It's a rough day,
Dr. L.

First I break your chair,
and I don't tell you,

now this.

I broke your chair, by the way.

Why wouldn't he tell you?

'Cause I was scared, Shauna.

He didn't tell me
because he feels sorry for me

because I am a pathetic spinster
with no prospects.

That's not true!

I think someone needs a hug.

She was in a really good place,
like, two minutes ago.

I mean me.
I mean me.

Yo.

Hey, it's me.

Well, well, well.

I guess
miss I'll-get-back-to-you

got back to me.

What are you doing?

Puffing on
my electronic quitter cig,

drinking an energy drink.

- That's weird.
- Hey, tell me why I shouldn't hang up

on you right now and talk
to Carmelo Anthony?

Because you can talk to him
tonight at the party with me?

Oh. Yeah.

You gonna bring it?

Yeah, my costume is going
to blow your mind.

- Ohh. Okay.
- See you there.

Guys, I need a costume
that blows people's minds.

Danny.
Danny, look.

That DMV clerk is dressed up

as a vampire for Halloween.

Yeah, I bet on Halloween,
actual monsters

dress up as DMV workers.

Eh, Danny?
My joke, Danny.

Would you shut up?
I'm trying to study.

I thought the whole point
of coming

to Long Island was the test
was meant to be easy.

It's still a test.
You can't flirt

and spray-tan
your way through it.

Why are you so much angrier
than usual?

It's just a driver's license.

Yeah, no, it's not
a license to drive.

It's a license to be a man.

A man goes where he wants
when he wants.

I have a picture in my head
of me driving through the night,

nothing but 1,000 miles
of dark empty ahead,

and, for the first time
in my life, I'm free.

Wow.

So why do you want
to get your license?

Tired of carrying
my passport around to bars.

It's so bulky.

Hey, bad news.

They were out
of all the sexy costumes.

They're the first to go.

Good news, they still had

a ton of kids' costumes.

How is that good news?

Are you kidding?
It'll barely cover your torso.

Which is hot.

Okay, as a nurse,
this costume offends me.

It's not skimpy outfits
that make nurses sexy.

It's the helping people
that make us sexy.

Dr. Lahiri, I bought
the perfect costume for you.

Mm-hmm.

Is that a fat Albert costume?

Linus.

You know, from It's The Great
Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.

So he's not even the star
of the thing

that you know him from?

You've never seen it?

It's the best.
It's Halloween,

and Linus is excited
for the Great Pumpkin,

who comes every year
to bring toys

to all the good boys and girls.

Why are you describing
this cartoon to me?

I'm sorry.
I'm just in crisis right now.

All right?
What I really need you to do

is to take these scissors
and cut a cleavage hole

in my crayon costume.

26 out of 36.

- You passed.
- Yes!

Thank you.

Happy Halloween, sir.

Happy Halloween.

Look, Danny.
Same score.

How is that possible?

Did you even read the book?

Those practice questions
are taken from real past exams.

Logic, a dash of luck,
and, as always,

a little bit of charm.

You charmed a scantron sheet?

Oh, Danny, should we
head to the road test?

Okay.

Attaboy, Danny.

You finally passed the written.

- I knew you could.
- Who's that?

I don't know.

Wait, how many times
have you taken that test?

A few times.
Don't worry about it.

We're all pulling
for you, Danny!

Thanks, Trish.

- Daniel Castellano.
- That's me.

But can he go first?

Of course.
Take your time.

Dr. Jeremy Reed.
And you are?

Barbara.

Barbara.
I knew a Barbara once.

She broke my heart.

It must be a cursed name,

because I feel
it may happen again.

Come on.

You know, you know, come on.

Stinks was not an option.

Way to dodge
the question, Danny.

God, why does everyone
want me to die alone?

Okay, Dr. L,
as a hot guy with a fancy job,

I think
I have some insight here.

Number two sexiest
female organ-- the butt.

Number one sexiest
female organ-- the brain.

The badonkadonk
and the bethinkathink.

Don't look at me like
you're teaching me something.

Funny costume
trumps sexy costume.

Morgan, I think
you're right actually.

I'm like that cool, witty girl

who kind of, like,
kills it in bed, you know?

- I need a funny costume.
- Say no more.

I will go to the store

and return with a costume
that is the pinnacle of wit.

I am not going on
my Halloween date as a urinal.

Come on, it's funny,

it's edgy, it's topical.

No?
You sure?

Oh, okay, well,

I anticipated this,

so I got some other options.

- Betsy.
- A condom.

A butt, a tampon,

Ace Ventura,

sperm?

All terrible.
You are terrible.

All right, a woman
should not have

to choose between being hot
and funny for Halloween.

So thank you for your help.

I'm okay, I'm just
gonna create a costume

that is both hilarious
and sexy.

Tinker Bell Tailor soldier spy.

Dirty Harry Potter.

Lil Wayne On The Prairie.

You know what?
I give up.

Okay?
I give up.

Betsy, please text Josh,

"sorry.
Patient in labor.

Can't come to the party.
Please take a Caitlin."

A man goes where he wants
when he wants.

A man goes where he wants
when he wants.

Right?
Barbara, you are too much.

You really are.

Perfect score, Danny.

You're up.
Break a leg.

- Never wink at me again.
- Okay.

How's it going today?

Feeling good?

All right, let's do this.

Permission to wipe my brow?

I'm not a sea captain.

What are you writing?

Eyes on the road.

You okay?

You know, you're sweating.

A lot.

It's just
it's hard to keep your cool

when you're driving next
to such a beautiful woman...

like yourself.

You just blew
through a stop sign.

Damn it.
Damn it.

What are you writing now?

What did you--
what did you write there?

- Hey!
- What?

Hands off the--
oh, brake, brake, brake, brake!

Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.

Hold on.
Hold on.

Hold on. Hold on.

I'll get the accident report
started.

Ahh.

Always yield to spiders.

You know what, man?

I'm so sick of your calm,
wry comments.

Why are you yelling at me?

Because everything in your life

comes easy to you,
whereas, guys like me,

we have to work our asses off.

Are you jealous of me?

What? No.
I'm not jealous of you.

Screw you.
I'm saying there are things

about you
that I wish I could have.

You're describing jealousy.

How does an Englishman
not understand English?

That is amazing to me.

Best slice in the city.

All right,
are you getting this?

Hold on.
Oh.

I just burnt
the roof of my mouth.

Honey, honey, just turn it off.

Why are you still filming?
Turn it off.

Well, time to go home.

Until that fateful night

when Katie Summers learned

who she had really married.

Tonight on In Sickness,
health... and murder!

Ew!
What the hell?

Who are you?
Scram! Scram!

God.
Ugh.

Get out of here, you gross cat.

Ugh.
Hello?

Hey, sorry,
I just got all your messages.

I just-- I stopped listening
after number five.

- How you feeling?
- Kind of not great.

This random loser cat
tried to be my pet.

You know what, I think you guys
should come out

and trick-or-treat here.

There's this cool Ethiopian lady
in my building.

She's handing out doro wat.

It's like this chicken stew
with hard-boiled eggs in it.

Kids love it.

No, we've been done
with our trick-or-treating

for about an hour.

What?
It's not even dark out.

- How is that scary?
- Well, Riley doesn't want

to be scared.

Okay, whatever, just put her

on the phone for me, please?

Riley, telephone!

It's your fairy godmother.

Hewwo?

"Hewwo"? Riley,
you're in first grade now.

- How 'bout hello?
- Hello.

Hey, man, happy Halloween.

Anything scary happen?
Did you see a werewolf?

I was a princess,
and I got candy,

and now I'm watching TV.

Sounds pretty good.
What are you watching?

It's The Great Pumpkin,
Charlie Brown.

What is the deal
with the Great Pumpkin?

Everyone's talking about it.

Well, Linus waits
for the Great Pumpkin

all night,
but he doesn't show up.

Sounds like Linus is kind
of a dummy then, huh?

No, he is not!

Sorry, babe.
He just sounds kind of dumb.

I've been waiting
for a Great Pumpkin,

and he never seems to show up.

I think
Linus should just give up,

go into his house,

watch some murder shows.

He'll never give up
'cause he has hope.

Okay, we're just gonna have
to agree to disagree.

- Love you.
- Wuv you.

Damn it, Riley.

Don't screw me.

Okay,
because there's not a dent

on your DMV car.

Maybe some fake cobwebs
and pieces

of styrofoam ghouls
and whatnot,

but, look, it's nothing
a hose can't fix.

Danny, come on.

Danny.

Can I tell you a secret?

Oh, God,
this day is incredible.

I'm actually jealous of you

because, unlike me,
you actually care

about everything.

When the Mets lose a key match,

how you scream
at your little radio.

When your favorite
sub sandwich shop closed,

I heard weeping
through your door.

- I wasn't weeping.
- You were weeping.

You've got such passion.

I can only imagine the vigor
you apply between the sheets.

That's enough of that.

But the point is,
caring about things,

that's something
I know nothing about.

But it's what's given you
everything you've got.

And it's what's gonna make you
pass this time.

We're pulling for you, Danny.

That's not helping, Eddie.

70 out of 100.
You pass.

Yes!

- Good show, old chap.
- Yes! Okay. No.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Hey.
- Yes. Ow.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I still can't believe
you got her

to give me a second chance.

You must have promised her

a night of "vigor
between the sheets."

No, actually I told her
you were molested in a car,

which is why the test
is so difficult for you.

What?

No wonder she was crying

- and patting me on the shoulder.
- Ah.

Now, when Ramon
takes your photo,

you hold your head up high.

Are you Inigo Montoya
from The Princess Bride?

No, I'm an enlightment-era
homosexual.

Yeah, you got it.

Diane from Cheers.

- Yes!
- Great costume.

Thank you. I thought that you
would think it was lame.

Are you kidding?
No.

No, you nailed it.

You know, I think

that Inigo is actually better
than Wesley.

- Duh.
- What do you mean, "duh," Josh?

Is that such a pervasive opinion
that it warrants a "duh"?

Yeah, he's passionate.

He's persistent.
He's a badass.

He's-- he's good-looking.

Okay, so he's a lot
like you then?

Maybe.

So what happened
to your patient in labor?

Oh, yeah, um, she died.

- Actually...
- God.

I take that back.

She didn't die.

That's a horrible thing to say.

- It was dark.
- Yeah. I'm sorry.

I just felt embarrassed

because I had a lame costume,

and I thought you would think
it was lame, and I--

stupid.

No, that's not lame.

Lame is tracking down a girl
on the internet,

finding out
what her favorite movie is,

and calling all over the city
for an Inigo Montoya costume.

Josh, that's, like,
really cute.

"Cute" like we can skip
the party,

move this conversation
to the memory foam?

Josh, we're going to the party.

Great.
Oh, wait, hang on.

- Can't forget this baby.
- Wow.

I have never seen its equal.

What?

That's from the movie,
The Princess Bride.

Oh, yeah,
I've never actually seen it.

Come on, Josh.
Let's get out of here.

Fine.
Um...

That's so intense.

It's real.

It's a really,
really amazing costume.

It should be.
It cost me 2 grand.

The costume.
The sword was another grand.

Please stop telling me
how much everything costs.