The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 3 - In the Club - full transcript

What do you mean,
you have a sex tape of me?

So you found
the tape of me?

Well, well, well.

Looks like you guys
do check your emails.

You are busted!

I sent you an email
late saturday night

with a subject heading,
"answer A.S.A.P."

Didn't hear
from either of you.

Guys, I need
to book those rooms

for our conference
in Santa Fe.

Just upgrade
to the mesa view rooms.



It's 49 bucks,
just do it.

I'm sorry
I'm not a mind reader.

Mindy, it was
saturday night.

I was otherwise occupied.
Yeah, we get it.

You were hooking up
with a supermodel.

I would hardly call this girl
a supermodel.

I think you need to be booking
domestic covers

before you call yourself
a supermodel.

Okay, Danny,
what was your excuse?

Sittin' on your stoop,
playing a harmonica?

I like to schedule c-sections
for saturday nights.

Hospital's quiet.

It's really great,
desolate.

Your weekend sounded
really depressing,



and your weekend
sounded disgusting.

Actually, I had a great weekend.
She wasn't a supermodel.

I had a great time. But she was,
you know, she was attractive.

No, you guys
don't understand.

Both of those weekends
sound better than mine.

I fell asleep
watching the movie amelie.

And when I woke up,

I had spilled so much red wine
on myself

that I thought for a second
I had been shot.

Ooh. Hey,
at least you're having fun.

That's all that counts.

Hey, Dr. I, Mrs. Olsen
is here for your 9:30.

And be forewarned,
her voice is very loud.

Shauna, you look terrible
and awesome.

Did you party this weekend?

Yeah, I got a hookup
with this guy Carlo.

He's the door guy
at this new club.

Yeah,
how'd that go?

Drake showed up
with a white tiger.

Are you kidding?

The tiger left
with Derek Jeter.

Okay, docs,
if you need anything,

I'll be answering phones
under a damp washcloth.

Okay, thank you.

So where were we?

Guys, I gotta go find out more
about this club.

Okay, what about
the conference?

Guys, I don't care.
I need this, all right?

Just pick
the mesa room.

You know,
speaking of emails,

thanks for responding
to mine this weekend.

Hey, man, I don't wanna
join your tanning place.

But I get a free session.
But you look orange.

I don't wanna look like that.
This is cream of oak.

Shauna.
Hi.

Hey, tell me
about this club.

Do a lot of guys
go there?

Guys who seem like they might
be employed and stuff?

You better believe it.

Makes club Aria
look like thunder bar.

Ugh, thunder bar?

Kill me.
Am I right?

It's not that bad.

No.
No, you're right.

Thunder bar can be fun.
Yeah.

Shauna, you have to take me
clubbing with you this weekend.

I don't know, Dr. I.

I mean, is nightclub stuff
still interesting to you?

Yeah.

Look, I might be in my 30s
in doctors' years,

but I'm, like,
22 in club years.

I don't know, doc.
All right, look.

Give this to me,
and I will let you

switch your desk
away from the air vent.

Hey, Carlo,
it's Shauna.

I need to add a plus one
at the club on friday night.

It's my boss,
sort of a make-a-wish thing.

Ciao.

Shauna, are you going to a club
with Dr. I?

Oh, you can't come, Morgan.

Look, you need me to come. Mm-mm.

I have these amazing pills.
Oh, God.

Hold on.

If you put one
in your drink,

it counteracts
the effect of a roofie.

The only problem is,
if you're not already roofied,

the pills have very roofie-like
side effects.

So basically,
your pill's a roofie. No!

Why does everyone
say that?

It roofies the roofie.

Okay, Curtis explains this
much better than me.

Hey, good news.

I got invited to this super hot
nightclub friday night.

Ooh, I'm so jealous.

Why?
Come with me.

I'd rather die.
What?

I can't do clubs anymore.

They make me feel judged
and rejected

by people that I would normally
judge and reject.

Plus, they're so crowded
and loud.

I haven't been to a nightclub
in over a decade,

and I've never gone
without you.

Well, I can't go anyway

because Carl is telling
stories and folktales

at the library
about our town's history.

And I personally hate it.

But it's a really big deal,
so I'm very proud of him.

All right,
I'm a little disappointed

in this conversation.
Love you, bye.

Have fun.
You too.

Mindy, are you coming
to office club night?

Could I give you a few things
to keep in your purse?

I like to keep
a trim profile.

How do you know
about our club night?

Shauna?
Sorry, doc.

Word kinda got out.
I am so excited.

I ordered a new dress.

Mom says she's almost done
sewing the sleeves.

Betsy's coming too?
Yeah.

Dr. C, you in
for work night out?

Not this time.
You guys have fun.

Okay, what's that?

What's that noise?

No, it...
It's just funny to me.

What is?
Picturing you at a nightclub.

You know?
It's weird.

It's like Dracula
on a beach.

What? I go out. Okay.

I do.

You know what?
I'm in.

My grandma had this saying,

"you work hard,
you play hard." Yep.

Your grandmother
coined the phrase,

"work hard, play hard"?
I know, right?

Never finished
the third grade.

Club night.
Yes!

Come on, right there.
Whoo!

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD

"Tan-tru."

Shauna, is that Tibetan?

No, this used to be
a Manhattan trust bank.

A couple of the sign letters
fell off.

It's great though.

Nba players hang out here
all the time.

Are you serious?
Yeah.

Oh, my God.
I'm gonna be at a club

where nba guys are? Yeah.

This is amazing
'cause black guys love me.

Whoa.

Keep your racism voice down.
Sorry.

That's not racist.

It's a scientific fact that
black guys love Indian girls.

Don't... ah.
And,

black guys also love ass,
which I happen to have a lot of.

Thank you very much.

So I'm gonna work my ass
all the way to the V.I.P.,

if you know what I mean.
The V.I.P.?

Yeah, good luck
with that.

Morgan, you are jostling me
with your duffle.

Oh, I'm sorry, doc.
I'm sorry.

I got all my club supplies
in here.

Just wanna make sure
everything's organized.

I got three different kinds
of prestige fragrances.

Got my sudokus
to do during boring songs.

And then check this out
Mindy, Mindy.

Most importantly,
an eggbeater,

so in the morning,
I can make her an omelet.

Okay, guys,
just listen up,

so there's
no misunderstanding.

When know what the score is,
right, when we go into the club?

That we all hang out
as friends from work.

This is incorrect.

She's saying that
she'll bail on all of you

if she meets a guy, right?
That's right. That's right, Shauna.

If I disappear,
do not find me.

It mean that I
am either falling in love,

or I'm grinding up
on some guy,

or probably both.

Whoa, Dr. Castellano.

You look handsome
like a youth minister.

Oh, thanks, bets.

Hey, someone's dad is here
to pick them up.

Hey, what's up? How it's going? Hi.

Hey, doc, you look nice.
Thanks, sweetheart.

Think this used to be my bank.
Oh, yeah?

Yeah.
Han solo.

Thanks, man.
'Sup, Carlo?

Me plus five.

'Sup, Carlo?

How are you?

♪ you ain't gotta flaunt
for me ♪

♪ if we go and touch,
you can still touch my love ♪

♪ it's free

♪ we can work
without the perks ♪

ma'am, if everyone took
a big dramatic moment

in the doorway, the club
would never fill up.

Oh, right, sorry, sorry.
Let's go.

Oh, man, there is some talent
here tonight.

Vodka tonic,
bourbon rocks,

and red wine with ice.
Thank you.

What?

They didn't have sangria.

Hey, you guys, can't hang out
with you tonight.

I'll talk you later...
Maybe, okay?

Mm.

No wonder they call it
the meatpacking district.

'Cause it's so packed,
am I right?

No, I'm just playin'.

It's not that packed.
I can handle it.

Let me grab this bad boy. Okay.

Can I offer anyone

a squirt of pink soap
from the men's room?

No.
I'm okay.

Got it. Your loss.
Sorry.

♪ that's what I came for

♪ ooh you know they fine
up and down the carolinas ♪

Dr. Reed, why are you
staring at that girl?

Do you know her?

Not yet, Betsy.

I was thinking
of giving her

an early wedding gift.

Why are you using
the voice you use

when single moms
come into the office?

♪ ladies and the drinks

♪ mack

hey. Where you from?
What?

Where you from?
What?

Where you from?

Chicago.
Oh, cool.

My college friend
Brian Miller's from there.

Do you know him?
What?

I'm just gonna...

I'm gonna take a lap.

Yay, Mindy's here.

Ugh, man, the guys here
are so aggressive.

Here's your bottle
of blue raspberry shnazzle.

Enjoy.
Oh, hey!

We didn't order this.
Oh, I ordered it.

It looked yummy,
like what a fancy alien

would have
at a spaceship party.

I didn't know
there would be so much.

Betsy, it's, uh, $300.

Sweetie, you ordered
bottle service.

I think they
pour this stuff

on maxi-pads
in commercials.

Ugh. Well, it was my mistake.

And I won't let it ruin

my first big night out
in New York.

I bought it.
I'll drink it.

Hey, Danny, how come
you're not dancing?

I don't really
like this music.

Do you want me
to go ask them

to play
some doobie brothers?

Oh, I love
this one though.

I went to High School

with a couple of these guys
back in staten.

♪ we ain't trippin',
read the sentence ♪

this is gotta see.

♪ you drinking muscle milk

♪ homey,
you gon' get killed ♪

♪ walking around
like deebo ♪

- Whoa, Dr.
- Castellano's amazing!

Yeah.

- Damn it though, he can dance.
- He's really good.

Shauna, hello?
Huh?

Oh, my God.
Do you like Danny? What?

- No.
- No.

The way you're looking at him,
I think you like Danny.

No, I don't.

Weird, it's like
if Hermione liked Voldemort.

I don't know those words.

He must be crazy sweaty.

get my jam on.

It's your night.
Your night!

Oh, that's my...
That is...

I bought that.

It's all I got, man.

♪ stomp the roach,
stomp the roach ♪

♪ stomp the roach

Thank you.

♪ is
seen out of your jeans, ma ♪

♪ uh-huh, let me place a single
right in between, ma ♪

♪ ha, late nights,
you could let 'em in ♪

♪ tell a friend,
tell a friend ♪

♪ how much cheddar spin

hey, Shauna.

♪ most definite

♪ wherever my crew at,
it's more definite ♪

♪ huh, you ain't got no wears
in me casa ♪

♪ maggiano's, hoppin' out
a benz like a mobster ♪

♪ pasta, pellegrino,
penne a la vodka, lobster ♪

♪ Filipino,
talk it to me proper ♪

♪ uh-huh,
uh-huh ♪

♪ whoa, whoa,
you go, slime ♪

♪ it's your time,
slime! ♪

♪ put your bracelets in the air,
and let that gold shine ♪

♪ ma,
what's really, what's good ♪

♪ 'cause if I get some,
have her speaking in tongues ♪

♪ huh?
Like, what you say? ♪

♪ oh

hey, doc.
Hey.

Hey, can you talk
for a sec?

I'm kinda having
a rough night. Yeah.

My night's been
kind of a bust too.

What's up? Well, there's this guy

who I thought was into me...
Excuse me, miss?

Um, that table
has requested

that you join them
in the V.I.P. Area.

Me?
Yeah.

Oh, my God, those guys
play for the nba.

Okay, Shauna, I gotta go.

I told you
black guys love me.

See you monday.

Come on.

♪ it's a family affair

♪ only the fam here,
yeah ♪

♪ whole Harlem, uptown,
we stayin' here ♪

♪ yeah, chrome bottles,
bracelets, and chandeliers ♪

Danny.

Hey, what's up?
Hey!

Where did you learn
how to do all this?

You jealous?
No, it's actually really cool.

Thank you.
Why'd you keep it such a secret?

I don't know.

My mom put me in dance class
when I was a kid.

I got into a lot of fights.
It was worth it.

You're really good.

You wanna get a drink
with me?

I'm going
to the V.I.P. Actually

to hang out with some
nba players. Nice!

You know what?
I'll get you an autograph

from, uh, Mr. J.

Doctor.
Doctor.

Bye.
I'll see you later.

♪ uh, oh

♪ uh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ take minks off, uh

♪ take things off, uh

♪ take chains off, uh

♪ take rings off, uh

♪ bracelets is yapped

Aah. Oh.
Ugh.

Betsy, what are you
doing here?

I told the bald man
I was with you.

You're not with me.
I'm never letting you go.

You're literally
a hanger-on.

Just please sit down.
Sit down.

Sit down over here.
Sit down?

Shh, hush, hush, okay.
Right here?

Take my phone.
Oh, thank you.

Just unsubscribe me
from email newsletters, okay?

But just keep the shopping ones.
Shopping?

And don't talk to me anymore.
Never.

♪ I'm just livin' my life

♪ in a mansion with cars

♪ hit the dance floor
tonight ♪

thanks.

I'm trying to guess your job
based on your figure.

Are you the mistress
of a black congressman?

Excuse me?

Relax.
It's a compliment.

I'm Josh.
Welcome to the V.I.P. Thanks.

This place is like
my second home.

Of course my first home is
a lot bigger

and nicer than this dump.

I have a steam shower,
but you'll see.

I-I'm sorry.

Is your Uncle, like,
the club accountant?

I don't know how you...

It doesn't matter.

Just trying to find out
which guy here

got me into the V.I.P.

You're looking at him.

Well, technically
you're looking past me

at Danny Granger
and baron Davis.

But, uh,
figure of speech.

You got me into the V.I.P.? Yeah.

Oh, my God.
Amar'e stoudemire!

Wow!
What's up, Josh?

Hey, boss.
So great to meet you.

My name is Mindy.
Nice to meet you.

Okay, go, go.

She doesn't want to talk
to you anymore. No, he's...

How are you friends
with amar'e stoudemire?

Friends?
I don't know.

But when he only gets offered
15 million a year,

I'm the guy that compares it
to the trail of tears.

I'm a sports attorney.

Oh.
Yeah.

Well, um, I think
some of your friends

are, uh,
making eyes at me.

And I think we should go
tell them

how hard to get I am.
Oh, hard to get?

You're all over me.

- Okay.
- Yeah, fine, let's...

Come on.
Yeah.

Let's go hang with these tall
bastards. Thank you so much.

Boys, Mindy.
Hi.

- Hey.
- What's up, Mindy?

You like what you see?

Morgan.

Do we not pay you enough?

Are you
the bathroom attendant?

Don't worry your gorgeous,
giant head about that.

I get paid
more than enough... too much.

Hello, welcome.

Welcome to the bathroom.

Oh, can I see
that snap bracelet?

What does it say?

Um...
"Kaylee's bridal angels."

Who's kaylee?

She's just a... you know,
a new friend.

What are you up to,
Dr. Reed?

You a bridal angel?

Or a bridal devil
perhaps?

Thank you so much.
God bless you.

You know what, Morgan?
Just leave it.

Why is everybody so obsessed
with my dalliances?

Because we're your friends.

And your friends
are the people

that help you avoid
making bad decisions.

Think about that.

It's spearmint.

You're gonna have a great time
with that one.

I happen to know
a couple things

about bad decisions,
okay?

I.E. Mine,
vis-a-vis prison.

Damn it, Morgan,
I cannot hear

about your incarceration
right now.

Right.

Just remember,
you gotta do

what makes you feel good
here and here.

Not there.
Okay.

Hey, man, you've been in there,
like, 45 minutes.

You okay?
What's up?

Okay,
favorite Tom Hanks romantic comedy.

Sleepless in Seattle.

I gotta say you've got mail.
Splash.

Apollo 13. Apollo 13 is
a romantic comedy, you guys?

It's a love affair between a man and
his mission. Should've gone for that.

That is true now.

Baron, why do you
like splash?

You know, the fantasy
about going underwater

and, you know,
risking your life for love.

That's really romantic,
baron.

I didn't know you had
that side to you.

It's really Josh.

He gave me some books
when I was a rookie,

and that really
got my romance game going.

You know what,
as a matter of fact,

Josh actually
got me off coffee.

I'm all about
the green tea.

Took my game
to another level.

He was jittery.
He was getting so jittery. Right.

Digestion's been better, hasn't it?
Slowed down a little bit.

Digestion's been...
Yeah.

Hey,
you know what I love about Josh?

Your workout mixes, sick. Oh, God.

I thought I was
the only guy you...

You made mixes for.

You should make a mix
for Mindy, man.

I never knew that this is what
V.V.I.P. Was gonna be like.

It's pretty cool.

Oh, it gets
so much better.

Wait till the after-party.

The after-party's
where it's really at.

Tough list
to get on, but, um,

I am the list.

This sounds awesome.

Oh, God, Betsy.

Okay, guys, I'll meet you
by the exit.

I... please don't leave
without me, all right?

I'm so excited
about this.

♪ everybody hot

♪ make everybody hot

Mindy, you left
your pashmina.

Come to Ukraine.

I own 16 cell phone store.

I give free one
to all my girls.

Okay, okay,
time to go, Betsy.

It's time to go.

He says I won't end up
like the others.

That is horrifying.

Look, I'm very flattered
by your lesbian overture,

but I'm not
in an adventurous mood.

You're fine, you're fine.
Don't move... stop moving.

Hey, Shauna, hey.

Oh, my...
Take her.

She's like
a sack of cement.

I just can't be saddled
with this anymore, all right?

I'm gonna go.

I'm going to go to an after-party.
Sure, whatever.

Have a blast.

Okay, okay,
what's wrong, what's wrong?

Nothing.

It's nothing.

Danny?
Come on!

You know what?
You're better off.

I think he's
into weird stuff like biting.

I bet he, like,
cries when he has sex.

Okay? Okay. Thanks, Dr. I.

You go have fun, go.
Really?

Yeah. Okay. I really wanna go.

Go. Are you sure? Okay.

Yes. I'm gonna go. Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I feel
so much better.

Let's order a drink.

Oh, no.

I just got a text
from the after-party.

Apparently Jamie Foxx has
taken charge of the pizza oven,

and the toppings
are getting weird.

Jamie Foxx,
pizza toppings...

I can't believe that.
That sounds awesome.

Great, perfect. Come on.
Let's get out of here.

Um...

I... think that
sounds really great.

I can't go I don't think, um...
Oh, come on.

It's just that I can't
ditch my friends. No...

It's kind of
a work night out.

Okay, well, um,
it was nice talkin'.

Yeah.

Who knows, maybe we can have
a one-night stand sometime.

Yeah.
Really?

No, I mean, I was joking.
You were joking, right?

I was joking, so...

Um, see ya.
Bye.

Hey, I think that
amar'e stoudemire

might have stolen
my pashmina.

He might have.

Okay.

You stayed!
Yeah.

Of course I stayed,
you guys.

I can hook up
with a hot guy anytime I want.

Tonight is my night
to hang out with you.

Aww.
Okay.

Don't...
Don't make it like that.

That was last call,
guys.

You're gonna have
to settle the check.

Okay, I just need
to have my parents

wire me $300.

But first, my aunt
has to wire them $200.

Or I can pay
for everything.

Oh, what? Morgan,
where did you get this money?

Wait, you know what?
I don't wanna know.

I bet it's gonna
be sad or scary.

A little bit of both, doc.

Oh, okay,
we're dancing.

We're dancing.
Come on. Come on. Yeah?

Yes.
Whoo!

Keep your clothes on.
Whoo, let's boogie!

This is $37.

♪ yo, what I gotta do
to show these girls that I own 'em ♪

sorry.
We're good people.

♪ some call me Nicki
and some call me Roman ♪

♪ skeeza, pleeza,
I'm in Ibiza ♪

♪ giuseppe zanotti
my own sneaker ♪

♪ sexy, sexy,
that's all I do ♪

♪ if you need a bad
Let me call a few ♪

♪ pumps on and them
little mini skirts is out ♪

♪ I see some good girls
I'ma turn 'em out ♪

♪ okay, bottle, sip,
bottle, guzzle ♪

♪ I'm a bad
No muzzle ♪

♪ bottle, sip,
bottle, guzzle ♪

♪ I'm a bad
No muzzle ♪

♪ let's go

♪ pound the alarm

come on, alistair.
All right.

I wanna hear all about when
you were knighted by the queen.

- Um...
- I mean, sir alistair.

Um, the thing is,
uh, kaylee,

I haven't been
completely honest with you.

I don't care. Get in.
Right, okay, the thing is,

my moral compass has strayed
somewhat from true north.

And I would love, uh,
to come with you, but I can't.

What my friend's
trying to say

is he has crazy diarrhea.
Bye.

Go.
Um...

Was it necessary
to be diarrhea?

Yeah, diarrhea
shuts it down, okay?

Have a sucker.

Hello, ladies.

Who wants some late night eats?
Ah, like what?

I got soup in my bag.

Take your duffel.

Dr. Mindy Lahiri?
Mm-hmm.

Uh, Mr. Daniels sent me
to take you home.

And to give you this.

I bought this
off amar'e for $500.

You owe me dinner.
Josh.

Okay, okay.

Everyone get in the limo.

Limo!
Get in the limo.

Oh, my God.
How'd you get a limo?

I don't... I have ways.
I have ways. Okay. Oh!

What year is this limousine?

Morgan, just get in.
Okay.

Dr. l, come on.

This is great.

What a night.
Mm-hmm.

I am as happy as the mustache
man on the pizza box.

There you go.
Thanks, Dr. l.

Yeah. You know, bets,
you, me, and Shauna?

We're kinda the girls' team
in the office.

We gotta stick together.
The girls' team!

Go team!
And Morgan of course.

Really?

I'm on the girls' team, for real?
Mm-hmm.

Oh!
We're a team.

I probably would be Captain
of the girls' team

'cause I'm a guy.
What?

Not a guy...
Not a guy, not a guy. Ew.

You just got disqualified.

- Hold on. No, no, no.
- Didn't let me finish.

What a terrible idea.
Ew.

Go to bed.

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD