The Mind of the Married Man (2001–2002): Season 1, Episode 7 - Just Thinking of You - full transcript
# My thoughts may stray #
# My eyes may roam #
# The neighbors' grass
may seem much greener #
# Than the grass
right here at home #
# If pretty girls excite me,
well, that's life #
# But just in case
you didn't know #
# I love my wife #
# If rosy lips invite me,
hey, that's life #
# But just in case
you couldn't guess #
# Or hadn't heard,
or didn't know #
# I love my wife,
I love my wife #
# I love my wife. #
So, Donna wants
to remodel the kitchen.
Remodel, like rebuild?
Fix it up?
Yes, fix it up.
Very good, you're
on top of your game today.
I actually think
it'll be good for her.
She thinks it'll be good
for us... bring us closer together.
Pride in the home,
pride in our ability, that kind of deal.
Yeah, there's that.
Then there's the fact that a remodel
can be tough on a couple.
I read somewhere it's the number three
cause of breakup,
right after infidelity
and financial problems.
Hey, if you wanted,
you can probably hit the trifecta.
You could overspend
on the remodel,
then have her
catch you screwing the painter
- just as she's opening the bill.
- Why would I want that?
She catches me with the painter,
my marriage is over.
Exactly. The next day
on the way to work
you'd have something
real to bitch about
in place of the normal
bullshit sniveling
we have to listen to.
It'd be a nice change.
Oh, I get it now.
It was a joke on me.
- Hey, Micky. Good morning.
- Hi.
Um, I think we
should talk about
what happened at my
place the other night.
- You've been acting really weird.
- I'm not acting weird.
I'm just busy.
I know you must think
it is horribly rude
the way we
laughed at you.
Missy, did you not just
hear me say that I'm busy?
I have work to do.
I think we should
talk about it.
I don't have time
to talk. I'm busy.
# Do you understand
what I need from you? #
# Just let me be the girl
to show you you #
# Everything
that you can be... #
I'm interviewing her
this afternoon.
She's hot.
Very hot.
But young.
She's very young, this girl.
Ah, too young for me.
- # I want to be bad... #
- It's kind of sad.
It seems like only yesterday a hot
18-year-old could really trigger me.
- Send me in the Badlands.
- When did that happen?
When did 18
get too young?
I cannot see myself
with an 18-year-old girl right now.
- I'd feel like a total idiot.
- I know.
To me nowadays, a young piece of ass
is like 21, maybe 22.
- Yes.
- Right?
- # I never thought #
- # I want to be bad... #
- She's hot.
- Too young.
Glad you said it.
# I'm losing
all my cool #
# I'm about to break
the rules... #
Okay, uh...
I'm gonna run.
- Where you going?
- Drugstore.
Got to get
a few things.
Rubberbands,
hairspray...
get a card
for Carol.
- It's her birthday?
- No, that's later in the week.
Just gonna get one
of those just-thinking-of-you cards.
Get me one of those too,
will you, buddy?
Grab me one of those
just-thinking-of-you cards.
- No problem.
- Make it three.
# I've got things
on my mind #
# I never thought
thought I would #
# l-I want
to be bad. #
These generic just-thinking-of-you
cards are tough.
I feel like I'm taking
a pop quiz, or something.
I don't even know
what to say.
It always feels like
I'm just repeating myself.
I'm always sincere.
After eight years of marriage
it's like I just feel
like a broken gushy record.
I always write
the same basic thing.
But you know Carol,
she loves them.
Donna too. She's saved
every one of them I've ever given her.
Yeah, Bianca's got them in a shoebox
dated, catalogued and sealed.
The worst is when
they leave them out.
Donna will actually
display the thing
in our living room
on a shelf just sitting there
- for half the planet to gawk at.
- Oh no.
The other thing about Donna,
she'll go to a card store,
and she will stand
in front of that card wall
fishing for the perfect card
for hours at a time,
just staring at these cards
as if the fate of the universe
depends on her getting
the exact perfect card.
Me, I go in,
I find the card I want
and I'm gone
in the blink of an eye.
I have razor-like
instincts
on getting
the perfect card...
unless, of course,
some asshole put the wrong card
in the wrong section
and I forgot to look,
in which case
I'm the asshole.
I have been known
to rush the process
and have paid
the price.
It's good to actually
take the time to read the card,
before you write
anything in it.
I'm a work in progress.
What can I say?
Do you want me
to come by next week?
- Yeah, of course I do.
- Okay.
This is going to be
the second-to-last time then.
What are you talking about,
"second-to-last time"?
I'm retiring
the end of next week.
I met someone last summer.
I'm getting engaged.
Good for you.
Lucky guy.
Well done.
I'm happy for you.
Thank you.
I'm really happy.
Good, then I am.
I am.
I'm going to miss this,
but I'm happy.
Thanks.
You're sweet, Jake.
I don't know.
We may want to move
this wall back,
get a little more
space in here.
More space?
Oh no, don't talk about more space.
We wouldn't know
what to do with any more space.
I like that one.
- You are joking.
- No, I like that.
It looks like a kitchen
in a home for wayward boys.
All right,
I hate it.
I think this is
gonna be great.
I think we can do something
you're really gonna like.
- On our budget?
- Maybe even a little less.
Okay.
This is nice.
I know, isn't it?
That is a card that
my very sweet husband
brought home this evening
for no reason whatsoever.
Okay, so good.
Let's get into
remodel mode.
What I thought was
that these units were gonna
- work well with this paint...
- Look at you.
- You're in heaven, aren't you?
- Shut up.
I haven't seen her this happy
since Fergie came to Chicago.
How cute
is this little guy?
He's adorable.
God.
Hey, you happy
about the kitchen?
I think we could
have fun with it, don't you?
Yes, it's gonna
be great.
It's gonna
be wonderful.
Don't forget, we've got Larry and all
the contractors coming tomorrow night.
You've got to be here.
You will be here, won't you?
I will be here.
# l-I, l-I #
# I want to be bad
with you, baby #
# What's up?
Tell me what do, how to be #
# Teach me all your words
from A to Z #
# But I don't want
your other girl to see #
# That you're messing around
with me, I want to be bad #
# You make bad
look so good #
# I've got things
on my mind #
# I never thought
I would #
# l... I want to be bad #
# I want to be bad
with you, baby. #
Am I too young
for you now?
No.
No, who said that?
No, you... you're
the perfect age.
Not even in your dreams,
old man.
Yeah,
that makes sense.
- Dougy, let's go, chop chop.
- Douglas.
Here is your homework.
I finished this for you last night.
Do not drop it
on the bus.
- Isn't he supposed to be doing that?
- He did, he helped.
He helped?
How did he help if he was asleep?
Are you suddenly in with
the school board now?
- No.
- I didn't think so.
Nelson, put those eggs down,
I have egg whites for you.
Hey, does everybody know
what tomorrow night is?
- Mommy's birthday.
- You got it.
We're all gonna go out as a family,
and we're gonna celebrate
at our favorite restaurant... thank
you... and you know which one that is?
- "White Castle"!
- You got it.
It's gonna be
a great night.
It's gonna be Mommy-boo's
best birthday ever.
Mmm, yes, it is.
You are so lucky
to have me.
- I finally have you cornered.
- Hey.
I really want to talk about
what happened the other night.
I can't, I'm swamped.
I'm so swamped.
You are being
a total asshole.
Can I say that to you
without you getting upset?
No, you already said it,
I'm already upset, so there.
I'm trying to do everything
I can to get you to talk.
I am being persistent.
I'm learning how to be
a good reporter.
- I can't do this here.
- Why?
Not here. Randall's on the prowl,
and I just... I can't do it.
Well, then can we please
at least get a drink
after work tonight,
please, Micky?
Please?
You're very cute when you beg,
has anyone ever told you that?
- Yeah.
- I bet.
Oh, God.
It's important
to me.
Okay, fine,
tonight.
- We'll talk about it quickly, okay?
- Yes.
Then if either one of us
ever brings it up again,
the other one
gets to kill them, deal?
Deal, deal.
Hey, babe.
Hi, it's Micky.
Listen, something's
come up tonight, okay?
Oh no, you can't.
We've got the meeting
at the house tonight.
I know, I'm gonna be there.
I'm just gonna be a little late,
but I'm definitely
gonna be there.
Well, what is it?
What is this thing you have to do?
It's nothing,
it's Randall.
It's Randall.
He needs to talk to me.
He's missing his wife
is what it is.
He wants to have
a drink, he's low.
What can I say?
I told him I would.
Well, all right,
I won't be upset.
You've been a doll about all this.
But don't be too late.
I don't want them to think I'm on
my own with this thing.
Oh, they won't think that,
they won't.
Okay, and I won't
be late, okay?
I love you.
- I love you, too.
- Okay, bye.
Listen, the thing that happened
the other night at your apartment,
I need you to understand
what it is that I was doing.
Oh, I do.
You were masturbating.
No no.
No, I wasn't.
It's okay
if you were.
I wasn't masturbating.
I was...
guys get very pent up,
they do.
They get very pent up,
and they can't concentrate.
They need to engage
in something called...
erection diminishment.
Erection diminishment?
Yeah. It's not
masturbating, it's...
Half-masturbating?
Something like that,
but not really.
It's more like
repositioning.
That's what I was doing,
I was repositioning,
and I had to take it out
to reposition.
And I was so erect,
that I had to work it down
to a manageable size.
Manageable size,
really?
Yes, it was
very painful.
Well, what was it
that got you so erect?
Was it my roommate?
Did you have to reposition
because of her?
No.
Was it me?
Yes. Yes.
Some women are
just lucky, I guess.
We don't need to reposition,
or use our hands, or anything.
We can masturbate
in public if we need to,
right in front of guys,
and you don't know what we're doing.
Get the fuck
out of here.
Not all women,
but some of us,
we can just like wiggle
our butt on the seats the right way,
and totally get off.
It's actually
a great gift.
There can be women
right now in this restaurant,
- masturbating as we speak?
- Theoretically.
Wow, look at this one,
she is really getting herself off.
Oh, she's definitely gonna need
to go and wash up, that one.
My God, I never noticed this before.
This is amazing!
Exactly, so you don't
have to be so hard on yourself,
that's what
I'm saying.
Thank you.
God, am I
a sick fuck.
Is this a good time
for me to ask
if I can to go to the taping
with you tomorrow night?
Yeah.
Yeah, you can
go to the taping.
Great.
Hey, what's up?
We're done,
that's what's up.
I'm sorry I got here
a little late.
Not a problem, Micky.
Everything is on paper in the proposal.
This here is just
a little meet and greet.
It's all going
to be fine.
Good. Again,
sorry that I'm late.
No big deals,
they do not exist, okay?
Donna, I'll call
you tomorrow.
We're going into
tile hell together, you and I.
I look forward
to it enormously.
Oh, hey hey,
come on, guys.
It's personal, okay?
It's personal.
Actually,
a friend left that here.
Thank you
very much.
I'll see you
in the morning, guys.
Okay.
That went well, huh?
What, you're mad?
Don't be mad, I got tied up.
He said it went well.
I have his proposal.
It did.
It went well
without you.
Come on, babe,
don't be that way.
Don't "babe" me,
you said you'd be here.
You know what?
This is not fair.
You know I'm working
my ass off right now.
You know what?
Then just...
you know what?
Do the thing yourself, do it yourself.
Fine, I will, because I'm not
about to drag you
every inch
of the way with this.
You don't have to drag me, Donna.
I'm here.
- Late.
- I'll be not late to the next one.
I'm not that stupid.
There won't be a next one.
Who's that
a threat to?
I'm the one that likes
the kitchen the way it is.
You're the one that wants
to nuke the goddamn thing.
I'm sorry, okay?
I'm sorry, I just...
where are you going?
Whe...?
Talk about shit
communication skills.
So, you're really in a funk
about this, huh?
I mean, it's really
got you down.
Oh no, I'm not down.
She was just convenient,
you know, once a week,
very professional.
She took pride
in her work.
It's okay for a man to have feelings,
Jake. Stop locking it in.
She gave you a great blowjob
and you're gonna miss her.
- Why can't you own up to that?
- You're off on this one.
No, I'm not,
I'm right.
Look at you,
you're in pain.
Your favorite whore
is moving on.
It's got to hurt, man.
It's got to hurt.
Nelson, I loved
your column
on the upcoming
senate election.
It was first rate,
some of your best stuff.
Thank you.
The only problem is
that Steve Neal
over at "The Sun Times"
did the same damn column
in today's paper.
- Shit.
- Shit works.
Need something on my desk
before you go home
or Advertising's got a big empty
space to sell tomorrow.
I'm going out to dinner
with my wife for her birthday
with all the kids, so...
And how do you want me
to respond, Nelson?
You want me to get somebody
else to pull your weight?
No, it's okay.
I'll write
the column tonight.
Hey sweetie, it's me.
Yeah.
No.
I got some bad news.
# If your thing is gone,
and you wanna ride on #
# Cocaine... #
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
# She don't lie,
she don't lie, she don't lie #
# Cocaine... #
Donna, can I see you
for a second?
- Now?
- Yeah, in the other room.
Yeah, okay.
All right, two of them.
- Great.
- Thank you.
# She don't lie,
she don't lie #
# She don't lie... #
Jesus!
Oh, man.
What's going on in there?
What do you mean
what's going on?
Oh, God.
That's vile!
Congratulations, now you have
a second room to remodel.
I didn't know you
were doing this today.
- Couldn't I have been consulted?
- Consulted?!
You don't want to be consulted,
you made that abundantly clear.
This is now just another
in a long line of chances
you've squandered
to be a partner with me in this.
So don't tell me you want
to be consulted all of a sudden.
How did I squander it?
By being late
for one meeting?
How short is
the leash I'm on?
Pretty damn short
if you ask me.
- This was just a setup.
- Now what are you talking about?
This whole thing.
With everything we have going on now,
trying to have a second kid,
and then you start to remodel.
I was doing this because I thought
it'd be good for us,
but I have no margin
for error here, none!
There's always going to be something
going on, Micky,
that's who you are.
The remodel,
another baby, us.
This is life, Micky,
make room for it.
I know
I'm failing, okay?
I know. I get it.
I'm a fuck-up.
But sometimes I think
you want me to fail
to make it
easy on you.
You want me to be the fuck-up,
so you get to be the victim.
Oh, please don't kid yourself
there's any upside for me
in you being
a fuck-up.
Anyone else from
land of the giants
take a shit in
the other bathroom?
Maybe I do have him
on too short of a leash.
Maybe I do want to be the victim,
secretly want him to fail.
You just said a lot of things.
Let me break it down for you.
The leash part
can never be too short.
The fail part: I've never known you
to want to fail at anything,
so wanting to have
Micky fail would mean
you've failed to pick a good husband.
It's not you.
There's so much love there,
it's just got so hard.
It's made me into
such a nag sometimes,
and I hate it
'cause I'm so not a nag.
I don't know
how we got here.
Well, he said "I do."
Marriage is ups
and downs, honey.
I've seen you guys when you can't keep
your hands off each other.
- You'll get back to that.
- Will we?
- Yeah.
- Because I do love him.
I'm not one of these women
staying together for the security
or for the baby.
I love him,
I adore him.
I just want to pummel
his face sometimes.
I'd wear the one
you had on.
You're right, okay?
Hey hey hey.
I'm sorry.
I really am,
I'm sorry.
I would never
set you up to fail.
I don't want you to fail.
I love you, Micky.
I'm sorry too, okay?
I'm sorry
about everything I said.
I love you too.
I really do.
Hey, do you want me to come
to the show tonight?
You're always saying how you want me
to come. Should I come?
- Tonight? To the show?
- Mm-hmm.
Is this a good time to ask if I can go
to the taping tomorrow night?
Yeah, I'd love it
if you'd come.
Actually, I'm gonna go have drinks
afterwards with Ernie and his wife.
- So, we'll all go, it'll be good.
- Ernie and Geraldine?
Yeah yeah,
we'll have fun.
Oh, come on.
I know you think Ernie's a loudmouth,
but he just got back
from a fishing trip,
and he's got all these dirty jokes
I promised I'd listen to.
I'll tell you what,
why don't you go
and I'll stay,
and when you get back
I'll have a delicious supper
waiting for you. Is that okay?
- Do you mind?
- Really, you don't want to go?
I'm just so not in the mood for Ernie
and Geraldine tonight.
I'll go next week.
- Okay?
- All right, okay. I understand.
- You do?
- Yeah, of course.
Thank you.
- Here are the notes you wanted.
- Thanks.
Hey, Micky?
So what are you doing after the show?
Do you want to come over to my place?
Have a beer or something?
I'll lock the bathroom door
if you want.
Oh, that's funny.
No.
No, I'm gonna go
straight home.
- Well, you look great.
- Thanks, you look great too.
- And how do I look?
- Ernie. Hey, how you doing?
This is
my friend, Missy.
- Missy Bartlett.
- Oh, I'll say.
- Well, you look great.
- Oh, that's nice,
I look great. I think
we both look great.
Isn't that great?
I've got to get me
one of those.
Please, Sandy.
A skull and a crossbone on an album,
is a flag
for a kid to buy.
If I'm a kid, that's exactly what
I'm gonna buy, so...
It's so funny
that you said that,
because you said
if you were a kid,
- 'cause of course you're not.
- I'm not a kid.
I know what...
let's do.
We should get
a kid out here,
see what kids
think about this.
Why don't we bring
your little friend out, ask her?
What little friend?
I have a lot of little friends,
what are you...
Come on, dear.
What's your name?
- What are you doing?
- We want to get someone who knows CDs,
knows eight-tracks... whatever kids
are calling them these days.
After all,
you and I aren't kids.
- Come over here.
- What are you do...
- No, come on. Sit down, there we go.
- Actually, this is...
Have a seat. You two know
each other, isn't that right?
Yes, we work at "The Chicago Daily
Mirror" together.
- You're a writer at the paper?
- You're colleagues?
Yes, I work
at the paper, yes.
What's your name
and how old are you?
Missy Bartlett,
I'm 25 years old.
25 years old.
Can you imagine that, Micky?
Do you remember what
it was like to be 25?
Where are we going with this?
We're talking about records.
- I'm 25 and a half.
- Oh.
Social security starts at 25
and three-quarters now.
- You're not a parent, are you, dear?
- No, not yet,
- but I hope to be one.
- I think she's closer than she thinks.
Hey.
How was traffic?
Traffic?
It was fine.
This is really the last time, huh?
No shit?
No shit.
God, you're
getting married. Wow.
Well, how about having
one special friend, client, whatever?
Hmm?
Anything like that in the cards?
Ha-ha.
Very funny.
Sit down.
Hey, wait.
Oh.
This is sweet, Jake.
"Just Thinking of You."
That's so sweet.
Sit down.
I'll give you a special sendoff.
Mmm.
Hey.
I just wanted
to kiss you.
I realized last night
I've never kissed you.
I don't kiss
customers, baby.
You know that.
Uh... hi.
Is there any way
you could come back later?
Oh, sure.
Come back later.
Thank you.
No, hello?
Hello?
Hi, Daddy.
Surprise, Daddy,
we brought you dinner.
You couldn't come
to the party,
so we brought
the party to you.
I love you guys.
- I love you.
- I love you.
I can't talk you
out of this?
Why would you
want to?
I don't know.
I really like you.
Then be happy
for me.
# I'm looking for #
# The tower
of learning #
# I'm looking for #
# The copious prize #
# I saw it
in your eyes... #
- What was that for?
- Nothing.
No, 'cause you were nice
about me not coming tonight,
and because I may
possibly have been
just a little bit
rough on you lately.
Wow.
What was that for?
'Cause you're amazing.
You are,
you're amazing,
and I'm a really
lucky guy.
I'm really lucky.
- We're going to miss your show!
- No no no.
- Wait, no no. I don't want to watch it.
- Well, I do.
- I don't want to watch it tonight.
- I want to see it.
I know, but I want to watch something
else tonight, please.
I can't watch
this show.
What are you talking about?
You love watching yourself.
You're the biggest
egomaniac I know.
No, that's the old me.
I'm going through a very modest phase.
- Come on. Sit down, there we go.
- Actually, this is...
Have a seat.
You two know each other, right?
Yes, we work at
"The Chicago Daily Mirror" together.
- You're a writer at the paper?
- You're colleagues?
Yes, I work
at the paper, yes.
- What's your name and how old are you?
- Missy Bartlett, I'm 25...
# Oh #
# I want to be bad
with you, baby #
# l-I, l-I #
# I want to be bad
with you, baby #
# Do you understand
what I need from you #
# Just let me be the girl
to show you you #
# Everything that you can be
is everything that I can be #
# I want to be bad #
# You make bad look
so good #
# I've got things
on my mind #
# I never thought
I would #
# l-I want to be bad #
# You make bad feel
so good #
# I'm losing
all my cool #
# I'm about to break
the rules #
# l-I want to be bad #
# I want to be bad
with you, baby #
# l-I, l-I #
# I want to be bad
with you, baby #
# What's up?
Tell me what to do #
# How to be,
teach me... #
# My eyes may roam #
# The neighbors' grass
may seem much greener #
# Than the grass
right here at home #
# If pretty girls excite me,
well, that's life #
# But just in case
you didn't know #
# I love my wife #
# If rosy lips invite me,
hey, that's life #
# But just in case
you couldn't guess #
# Or hadn't heard,
or didn't know #
# I love my wife,
I love my wife #
# I love my wife. #
So, Donna wants
to remodel the kitchen.
Remodel, like rebuild?
Fix it up?
Yes, fix it up.
Very good, you're
on top of your game today.
I actually think
it'll be good for her.
She thinks it'll be good
for us... bring us closer together.
Pride in the home,
pride in our ability, that kind of deal.
Yeah, there's that.
Then there's the fact that a remodel
can be tough on a couple.
I read somewhere it's the number three
cause of breakup,
right after infidelity
and financial problems.
Hey, if you wanted,
you can probably hit the trifecta.
You could overspend
on the remodel,
then have her
catch you screwing the painter
- just as she's opening the bill.
- Why would I want that?
She catches me with the painter,
my marriage is over.
Exactly. The next day
on the way to work
you'd have something
real to bitch about
in place of the normal
bullshit sniveling
we have to listen to.
It'd be a nice change.
Oh, I get it now.
It was a joke on me.
- Hey, Micky. Good morning.
- Hi.
Um, I think we
should talk about
what happened at my
place the other night.
- You've been acting really weird.
- I'm not acting weird.
I'm just busy.
I know you must think
it is horribly rude
the way we
laughed at you.
Missy, did you not just
hear me say that I'm busy?
I have work to do.
I think we should
talk about it.
I don't have time
to talk. I'm busy.
# Do you understand
what I need from you? #
# Just let me be the girl
to show you you #
# Everything
that you can be... #
I'm interviewing her
this afternoon.
She's hot.
Very hot.
But young.
She's very young, this girl.
Ah, too young for me.
- # I want to be bad... #
- It's kind of sad.
It seems like only yesterday a hot
18-year-old could really trigger me.
- Send me in the Badlands.
- When did that happen?
When did 18
get too young?
I cannot see myself
with an 18-year-old girl right now.
- I'd feel like a total idiot.
- I know.
To me nowadays, a young piece of ass
is like 21, maybe 22.
- Yes.
- Right?
- # I never thought #
- # I want to be bad... #
- She's hot.
- Too young.
Glad you said it.
# I'm losing
all my cool #
# I'm about to break
the rules... #
Okay, uh...
I'm gonna run.
- Where you going?
- Drugstore.
Got to get
a few things.
Rubberbands,
hairspray...
get a card
for Carol.
- It's her birthday?
- No, that's later in the week.
Just gonna get one
of those just-thinking-of-you cards.
Get me one of those too,
will you, buddy?
Grab me one of those
just-thinking-of-you cards.
- No problem.
- Make it three.
# I've got things
on my mind #
# I never thought
thought I would #
# l-I want
to be bad. #
These generic just-thinking-of-you
cards are tough.
I feel like I'm taking
a pop quiz, or something.
I don't even know
what to say.
It always feels like
I'm just repeating myself.
I'm always sincere.
After eight years of marriage
it's like I just feel
like a broken gushy record.
I always write
the same basic thing.
But you know Carol,
she loves them.
Donna too. She's saved
every one of them I've ever given her.
Yeah, Bianca's got them in a shoebox
dated, catalogued and sealed.
The worst is when
they leave them out.
Donna will actually
display the thing
in our living room
on a shelf just sitting there
- for half the planet to gawk at.
- Oh no.
The other thing about Donna,
she'll go to a card store,
and she will stand
in front of that card wall
fishing for the perfect card
for hours at a time,
just staring at these cards
as if the fate of the universe
depends on her getting
the exact perfect card.
Me, I go in,
I find the card I want
and I'm gone
in the blink of an eye.
I have razor-like
instincts
on getting
the perfect card...
unless, of course,
some asshole put the wrong card
in the wrong section
and I forgot to look,
in which case
I'm the asshole.
I have been known
to rush the process
and have paid
the price.
It's good to actually
take the time to read the card,
before you write
anything in it.
I'm a work in progress.
What can I say?
Do you want me
to come by next week?
- Yeah, of course I do.
- Okay.
This is going to be
the second-to-last time then.
What are you talking about,
"second-to-last time"?
I'm retiring
the end of next week.
I met someone last summer.
I'm getting engaged.
Good for you.
Lucky guy.
Well done.
I'm happy for you.
Thank you.
I'm really happy.
Good, then I am.
I am.
I'm going to miss this,
but I'm happy.
Thanks.
You're sweet, Jake.
I don't know.
We may want to move
this wall back,
get a little more
space in here.
More space?
Oh no, don't talk about more space.
We wouldn't know
what to do with any more space.
I like that one.
- You are joking.
- No, I like that.
It looks like a kitchen
in a home for wayward boys.
All right,
I hate it.
I think this is
gonna be great.
I think we can do something
you're really gonna like.
- On our budget?
- Maybe even a little less.
Okay.
This is nice.
I know, isn't it?
That is a card that
my very sweet husband
brought home this evening
for no reason whatsoever.
Okay, so good.
Let's get into
remodel mode.
What I thought was
that these units were gonna
- work well with this paint...
- Look at you.
- You're in heaven, aren't you?
- Shut up.
I haven't seen her this happy
since Fergie came to Chicago.
How cute
is this little guy?
He's adorable.
God.
Hey, you happy
about the kitchen?
I think we could
have fun with it, don't you?
Yes, it's gonna
be great.
It's gonna
be wonderful.
Don't forget, we've got Larry and all
the contractors coming tomorrow night.
You've got to be here.
You will be here, won't you?
I will be here.
# l-I, l-I #
# I want to be bad
with you, baby #
# What's up?
Tell me what do, how to be #
# Teach me all your words
from A to Z #
# But I don't want
your other girl to see #
# That you're messing around
with me, I want to be bad #
# You make bad
look so good #
# I've got things
on my mind #
# I never thought
I would #
# l... I want to be bad #
# I want to be bad
with you, baby. #
Am I too young
for you now?
No.
No, who said that?
No, you... you're
the perfect age.
Not even in your dreams,
old man.
Yeah,
that makes sense.
- Dougy, let's go, chop chop.
- Douglas.
Here is your homework.
I finished this for you last night.
Do not drop it
on the bus.
- Isn't he supposed to be doing that?
- He did, he helped.
He helped?
How did he help if he was asleep?
Are you suddenly in with
the school board now?
- No.
- I didn't think so.
Nelson, put those eggs down,
I have egg whites for you.
Hey, does everybody know
what tomorrow night is?
- Mommy's birthday.
- You got it.
We're all gonna go out as a family,
and we're gonna celebrate
at our favorite restaurant... thank
you... and you know which one that is?
- "White Castle"!
- You got it.
It's gonna be
a great night.
It's gonna be Mommy-boo's
best birthday ever.
Mmm, yes, it is.
You are so lucky
to have me.
- I finally have you cornered.
- Hey.
I really want to talk about
what happened the other night.
I can't, I'm swamped.
I'm so swamped.
You are being
a total asshole.
Can I say that to you
without you getting upset?
No, you already said it,
I'm already upset, so there.
I'm trying to do everything
I can to get you to talk.
I am being persistent.
I'm learning how to be
a good reporter.
- I can't do this here.
- Why?
Not here. Randall's on the prowl,
and I just... I can't do it.
Well, then can we please
at least get a drink
after work tonight,
please, Micky?
Please?
You're very cute when you beg,
has anyone ever told you that?
- Yeah.
- I bet.
Oh, God.
It's important
to me.
Okay, fine,
tonight.
- We'll talk about it quickly, okay?
- Yes.
Then if either one of us
ever brings it up again,
the other one
gets to kill them, deal?
Deal, deal.
Hey, babe.
Hi, it's Micky.
Listen, something's
come up tonight, okay?
Oh no, you can't.
We've got the meeting
at the house tonight.
I know, I'm gonna be there.
I'm just gonna be a little late,
but I'm definitely
gonna be there.
Well, what is it?
What is this thing you have to do?
It's nothing,
it's Randall.
It's Randall.
He needs to talk to me.
He's missing his wife
is what it is.
He wants to have
a drink, he's low.
What can I say?
I told him I would.
Well, all right,
I won't be upset.
You've been a doll about all this.
But don't be too late.
I don't want them to think I'm on
my own with this thing.
Oh, they won't think that,
they won't.
Okay, and I won't
be late, okay?
I love you.
- I love you, too.
- Okay, bye.
Listen, the thing that happened
the other night at your apartment,
I need you to understand
what it is that I was doing.
Oh, I do.
You were masturbating.
No no.
No, I wasn't.
It's okay
if you were.
I wasn't masturbating.
I was...
guys get very pent up,
they do.
They get very pent up,
and they can't concentrate.
They need to engage
in something called...
erection diminishment.
Erection diminishment?
Yeah. It's not
masturbating, it's...
Half-masturbating?
Something like that,
but not really.
It's more like
repositioning.
That's what I was doing,
I was repositioning,
and I had to take it out
to reposition.
And I was so erect,
that I had to work it down
to a manageable size.
Manageable size,
really?
Yes, it was
very painful.
Well, what was it
that got you so erect?
Was it my roommate?
Did you have to reposition
because of her?
No.
Was it me?
Yes. Yes.
Some women are
just lucky, I guess.
We don't need to reposition,
or use our hands, or anything.
We can masturbate
in public if we need to,
right in front of guys,
and you don't know what we're doing.
Get the fuck
out of here.
Not all women,
but some of us,
we can just like wiggle
our butt on the seats the right way,
and totally get off.
It's actually
a great gift.
There can be women
right now in this restaurant,
- masturbating as we speak?
- Theoretically.
Wow, look at this one,
she is really getting herself off.
Oh, she's definitely gonna need
to go and wash up, that one.
My God, I never noticed this before.
This is amazing!
Exactly, so you don't
have to be so hard on yourself,
that's what
I'm saying.
Thank you.
God, am I
a sick fuck.
Is this a good time
for me to ask
if I can to go to the taping
with you tomorrow night?
Yeah.
Yeah, you can
go to the taping.
Great.
Hey, what's up?
We're done,
that's what's up.
I'm sorry I got here
a little late.
Not a problem, Micky.
Everything is on paper in the proposal.
This here is just
a little meet and greet.
It's all going
to be fine.
Good. Again,
sorry that I'm late.
No big deals,
they do not exist, okay?
Donna, I'll call
you tomorrow.
We're going into
tile hell together, you and I.
I look forward
to it enormously.
Oh, hey hey,
come on, guys.
It's personal, okay?
It's personal.
Actually,
a friend left that here.
Thank you
very much.
I'll see you
in the morning, guys.
Okay.
That went well, huh?
What, you're mad?
Don't be mad, I got tied up.
He said it went well.
I have his proposal.
It did.
It went well
without you.
Come on, babe,
don't be that way.
Don't "babe" me,
you said you'd be here.
You know what?
This is not fair.
You know I'm working
my ass off right now.
You know what?
Then just...
you know what?
Do the thing yourself, do it yourself.
Fine, I will, because I'm not
about to drag you
every inch
of the way with this.
You don't have to drag me, Donna.
I'm here.
- Late.
- I'll be not late to the next one.
I'm not that stupid.
There won't be a next one.
Who's that
a threat to?
I'm the one that likes
the kitchen the way it is.
You're the one that wants
to nuke the goddamn thing.
I'm sorry, okay?
I'm sorry, I just...
where are you going?
Whe...?
Talk about shit
communication skills.
So, you're really in a funk
about this, huh?
I mean, it's really
got you down.
Oh no, I'm not down.
She was just convenient,
you know, once a week,
very professional.
She took pride
in her work.
It's okay for a man to have feelings,
Jake. Stop locking it in.
She gave you a great blowjob
and you're gonna miss her.
- Why can't you own up to that?
- You're off on this one.
No, I'm not,
I'm right.
Look at you,
you're in pain.
Your favorite whore
is moving on.
It's got to hurt, man.
It's got to hurt.
Nelson, I loved
your column
on the upcoming
senate election.
It was first rate,
some of your best stuff.
Thank you.
The only problem is
that Steve Neal
over at "The Sun Times"
did the same damn column
in today's paper.
- Shit.
- Shit works.
Need something on my desk
before you go home
or Advertising's got a big empty
space to sell tomorrow.
I'm going out to dinner
with my wife for her birthday
with all the kids, so...
And how do you want me
to respond, Nelson?
You want me to get somebody
else to pull your weight?
No, it's okay.
I'll write
the column tonight.
Hey sweetie, it's me.
Yeah.
No.
I got some bad news.
# If your thing is gone,
and you wanna ride on #
# Cocaine... #
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
# She don't lie,
she don't lie, she don't lie #
# Cocaine... #
Donna, can I see you
for a second?
- Now?
- Yeah, in the other room.
Yeah, okay.
All right, two of them.
- Great.
- Thank you.
# She don't lie,
she don't lie #
# She don't lie... #
Jesus!
Oh, man.
What's going on in there?
What do you mean
what's going on?
Oh, God.
That's vile!
Congratulations, now you have
a second room to remodel.
I didn't know you
were doing this today.
- Couldn't I have been consulted?
- Consulted?!
You don't want to be consulted,
you made that abundantly clear.
This is now just another
in a long line of chances
you've squandered
to be a partner with me in this.
So don't tell me you want
to be consulted all of a sudden.
How did I squander it?
By being late
for one meeting?
How short is
the leash I'm on?
Pretty damn short
if you ask me.
- This was just a setup.
- Now what are you talking about?
This whole thing.
With everything we have going on now,
trying to have a second kid,
and then you start to remodel.
I was doing this because I thought
it'd be good for us,
but I have no margin
for error here, none!
There's always going to be something
going on, Micky,
that's who you are.
The remodel,
another baby, us.
This is life, Micky,
make room for it.
I know
I'm failing, okay?
I know. I get it.
I'm a fuck-up.
But sometimes I think
you want me to fail
to make it
easy on you.
You want me to be the fuck-up,
so you get to be the victim.
Oh, please don't kid yourself
there's any upside for me
in you being
a fuck-up.
Anyone else from
land of the giants
take a shit in
the other bathroom?
Maybe I do have him
on too short of a leash.
Maybe I do want to be the victim,
secretly want him to fail.
You just said a lot of things.
Let me break it down for you.
The leash part
can never be too short.
The fail part: I've never known you
to want to fail at anything,
so wanting to have
Micky fail would mean
you've failed to pick a good husband.
It's not you.
There's so much love there,
it's just got so hard.
It's made me into
such a nag sometimes,
and I hate it
'cause I'm so not a nag.
I don't know
how we got here.
Well, he said "I do."
Marriage is ups
and downs, honey.
I've seen you guys when you can't keep
your hands off each other.
- You'll get back to that.
- Will we?
- Yeah.
- Because I do love him.
I'm not one of these women
staying together for the security
or for the baby.
I love him,
I adore him.
I just want to pummel
his face sometimes.
I'd wear the one
you had on.
You're right, okay?
Hey hey hey.
I'm sorry.
I really am,
I'm sorry.
I would never
set you up to fail.
I don't want you to fail.
I love you, Micky.
I'm sorry too, okay?
I'm sorry
about everything I said.
I love you too.
I really do.
Hey, do you want me to come
to the show tonight?
You're always saying how you want me
to come. Should I come?
- Tonight? To the show?
- Mm-hmm.
Is this a good time to ask if I can go
to the taping tomorrow night?
Yeah, I'd love it
if you'd come.
Actually, I'm gonna go have drinks
afterwards with Ernie and his wife.
- So, we'll all go, it'll be good.
- Ernie and Geraldine?
Yeah yeah,
we'll have fun.
Oh, come on.
I know you think Ernie's a loudmouth,
but he just got back
from a fishing trip,
and he's got all these dirty jokes
I promised I'd listen to.
I'll tell you what,
why don't you go
and I'll stay,
and when you get back
I'll have a delicious supper
waiting for you. Is that okay?
- Do you mind?
- Really, you don't want to go?
I'm just so not in the mood for Ernie
and Geraldine tonight.
I'll go next week.
- Okay?
- All right, okay. I understand.
- You do?
- Yeah, of course.
Thank you.
- Here are the notes you wanted.
- Thanks.
Hey, Micky?
So what are you doing after the show?
Do you want to come over to my place?
Have a beer or something?
I'll lock the bathroom door
if you want.
Oh, that's funny.
No.
No, I'm gonna go
straight home.
- Well, you look great.
- Thanks, you look great too.
- And how do I look?
- Ernie. Hey, how you doing?
This is
my friend, Missy.
- Missy Bartlett.
- Oh, I'll say.
- Well, you look great.
- Oh, that's nice,
I look great. I think
we both look great.
Isn't that great?
I've got to get me
one of those.
Please, Sandy.
A skull and a crossbone on an album,
is a flag
for a kid to buy.
If I'm a kid, that's exactly what
I'm gonna buy, so...
It's so funny
that you said that,
because you said
if you were a kid,
- 'cause of course you're not.
- I'm not a kid.
I know what...
let's do.
We should get
a kid out here,
see what kids
think about this.
Why don't we bring
your little friend out, ask her?
What little friend?
I have a lot of little friends,
what are you...
Come on, dear.
What's your name?
- What are you doing?
- We want to get someone who knows CDs,
knows eight-tracks... whatever kids
are calling them these days.
After all,
you and I aren't kids.
- Come over here.
- What are you do...
- No, come on. Sit down, there we go.
- Actually, this is...
Have a seat. You two know
each other, isn't that right?
Yes, we work at "The Chicago Daily
Mirror" together.
- You're a writer at the paper?
- You're colleagues?
Yes, I work
at the paper, yes.
What's your name
and how old are you?
Missy Bartlett,
I'm 25 years old.
25 years old.
Can you imagine that, Micky?
Do you remember what
it was like to be 25?
Where are we going with this?
We're talking about records.
- I'm 25 and a half.
- Oh.
Social security starts at 25
and three-quarters now.
- You're not a parent, are you, dear?
- No, not yet,
- but I hope to be one.
- I think she's closer than she thinks.
Hey.
How was traffic?
Traffic?
It was fine.
This is really the last time, huh?
No shit?
No shit.
God, you're
getting married. Wow.
Well, how about having
one special friend, client, whatever?
Hmm?
Anything like that in the cards?
Ha-ha.
Very funny.
Sit down.
Hey, wait.
Oh.
This is sweet, Jake.
"Just Thinking of You."
That's so sweet.
Sit down.
I'll give you a special sendoff.
Mmm.
Hey.
I just wanted
to kiss you.
I realized last night
I've never kissed you.
I don't kiss
customers, baby.
You know that.
Uh... hi.
Is there any way
you could come back later?
Oh, sure.
Come back later.
Thank you.
No, hello?
Hello?
Hi, Daddy.
Surprise, Daddy,
we brought you dinner.
You couldn't come
to the party,
so we brought
the party to you.
I love you guys.
- I love you.
- I love you.
I can't talk you
out of this?
Why would you
want to?
I don't know.
I really like you.
Then be happy
for me.
# I'm looking for #
# The tower
of learning #
# I'm looking for #
# The copious prize #
# I saw it
in your eyes... #
- What was that for?
- Nothing.
No, 'cause you were nice
about me not coming tonight,
and because I may
possibly have been
just a little bit
rough on you lately.
Wow.
What was that for?
'Cause you're amazing.
You are,
you're amazing,
and I'm a really
lucky guy.
I'm really lucky.
- We're going to miss your show!
- No no no.
- Wait, no no. I don't want to watch it.
- Well, I do.
- I don't want to watch it tonight.
- I want to see it.
I know, but I want to watch something
else tonight, please.
I can't watch
this show.
What are you talking about?
You love watching yourself.
You're the biggest
egomaniac I know.
No, that's the old me.
I'm going through a very modest phase.
- Come on. Sit down, there we go.
- Actually, this is...
Have a seat.
You two know each other, right?
Yes, we work at
"The Chicago Daily Mirror" together.
- You're a writer at the paper?
- You're colleagues?
Yes, I work
at the paper, yes.
- What's your name and how old are you?
- Missy Bartlett, I'm 25...
# Oh #
# I want to be bad
with you, baby #
# l-I, l-I #
# I want to be bad
with you, baby #
# Do you understand
what I need from you #
# Just let me be the girl
to show you you #
# Everything that you can be
is everything that I can be #
# I want to be bad #
# You make bad look
so good #
# I've got things
on my mind #
# I never thought
I would #
# l-I want to be bad #
# You make bad feel
so good #
# I'm losing
all my cool #
# I'm about to break
the rules #
# l-I want to be bad #
# I want to be bad
with you, baby #
# l-I, l-I #
# I want to be bad
with you, baby #
# What's up?
Tell me what to do #
# How to be,
teach me... #