The Mind of the Married Man (2001–2002): Season 1, Episode 6 - Wonderful News - full transcript
# My thoughts may stray #
# My eyes may roam #
# The neighbors' grass
may seem much greener #
# Than the grass
right here at home #
# If pretty girls excite me,
well, that's life #
# But just in case
you didn't know #
# I love my wife #
# If rosy lips invite me,
hey, that's life #
# But just in case
you couldn't guess #
# Or hadn't heard
or didn't know #
# I love my wife,
I love my wife #
# I love my wife. #
All right, my babe.
All right, my Bobby.
It's bedtime.
Are you gonna be good?
There we are, sweets,
it's bedtime.
There we are. Yes.
There we are.
He's finally down.
He has tenacity,
I will give him that.
Well, he's no match
for his mother.
I have yet to meet
the man that is.
So, are you maybe ready
to do it all again?
To do what
all again?
Everything.
What's everything?
I'm late.
You're late?
Like you're late for work,
you're late for the gym...
what are you late for?
You're late for
your period late?
That kind of late?
Yeah. Are you
okay with that?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm okay.
The important thing is what you said,
that first moment there.
That's the whole
ball of wax.
Exactly, it's all about
the initial reaction,
everything else
is just filler.
I handled it great.
I did, I was great.
You're pregnant?
Oh, this is wonderful.
This is wonderful
for us, Donna.
It's wonderful
for Bobby.
It's wonderful
for the little fetus.
It's wonderful for everybody.
It's just wonderful.
Fetus thing could've
been a little over the top.
Sounds to me like
you did okay.
I did,
I was wonderful.
So, what did he say? It's all about
the reaction. What was his reaction?
It was horrible.
I was appalled.
You're pregnant?
With everything
I got going on right now,
you go out and
you get pregnant?
Why don't you just pop a cap in the back
of my fucking head?
I ought to kick his ass for talking
to you that way. He really said that?
Well, I might have
embellished a little,
but he wasn't charming,
I can tell you that.
I thought you guys
have been trying.
So did I, I just didn't know
we were trying that hard.
Sound like one of those kids
from a junior-high sex video...
"Somebody told me that
if I stuck a pepper up my ass,
Suzy wouldn't
get pregnant."
Does she know for sure?
Has she been tested or anything?
No, but she said she's late.
Apparently, she's never late.
Whenever they're late,
they always say they're never late,
'cause they know
we know less than they do.
Half the shit my wife says
is just to see if I'm listening.
The problem with that is, my wife
is sure that I know less than she does.
She also knows
I'm never listening.
I don't know.
It's just, lately he seems so withdrawn,
so preoccupied.
He's not like the Micky I used to know.
Well, you know, I have this technique
I use with Doug.
When I sense something's off,
I ask him what's wrong.
Maybe, that's what I should do.
I should just ask him, from nowhere.
Communication's a novel approach.
I know, Donna, but you should try it.
I don't know I'd want to hear the answers
to half the questions
I'd put to Micky.
I'd like to ask him why he hasn't put
this VCR thing together himself.
Oh, he did. That's why
I'm doing it again.
- "Chicago This Week"?
- Uh-huh.
- What's the topic?
- It's a very, very hot topic.
Construction delays.
That's the topic? They're not done yet.
End of discussion.
- That's gonna be an hour show?
- Yup.
Well, it is called "Chicago This Week,"
and not "60 Minutes."
The panel, though, is just you and the
mayor's press secretary, so that's cool.
Yeah, Sandy Desmond.
- Hey, fuel for the brain-dead.
- Thanks.
You're welcome,
pretty lady.
Hey Missy,
you ever model?
Oh, that's
a new one. No.
- No, really? Scout's honor?
- Buzz me if you need me.
You were a Girl Scout
though, weren't you?
Okay, you know
what, Jake?
Get some boundaries,
will you, please?
Aw, come on. Loosen up.
Just a little sparring session.
Your assistant's safe,
I'm off single women.
Yeah, really?
This thing with Ilene's
got you running scared, huh?
Damn right, scared me straight
to married women.
That's my next affair...
woman in a good marriage.
Jake, the problem with that theory
is a woman in a good marriage
is not gonna want
to have sex with you.
Okay, not so good
she wouldn't wanna have sex with me,
but good enough
so she'd never leave her husband.
That way we'd both have something
to lose... mutually assured destruction.
That's Sandy Desmond,
the mayor's press secretary?
You doing a show
with her?
Okay, you know what?
That's it, you're now officially thrown
out of my office. Get out.
- She's very hot, she's married.
- Yeah, thank you.
- I mean it, she meets all my criteria.
- Okay, thanks for sharing.
Well, how about
tomorrow?
Hey.
My mother-in-law
finally wants to go home,
and I can't get her
on a flight.
The airline should have emergency
seating for that,
like flying home
for a family funeral.
Really?
Jeez, well,
how about the next day?
Jeez, can you put her
on the next available flight, please?
You know, I'm not kidding, man,
she's really killing me.
Your mother-in-law's only dangerous
if she turns your wife against you.
No, that's not it. See, she messes
with our sex life big time.
- Really?
- Ah, hello.
Yeah, no,
I'll take it. Thank you.
Let me guess. Carol can't have sex
with her mom in the house?
No, that's not it.
You know, actually
I think I've said too much as it is.
What are you saying,
the old lady wants in on a three-way?
Don't project your highway-to-hell
fantasies into my life.
You know, since your sex life
is shot, you must be hungry.
- C'mon, let's go eat.
- Yeah.
You know, the mother-in-law
I got now is the best one I ever had.
She's my age, so we relate
to each other. It's fucking great.
Yeah, I've seen
your mother-in-law. She's nice.
Yeah, but it's
all surgeries.
One more face-lift and that broad's
gonna be wearing a goatee.
I'll tell you my secret to getting
along with my mother-in-law:
she lives in England.
Of course if Donna's pregnant,
she's coming here.
It's not that I even mind
having a second kid.
At least,
I don't think I mind.
It's the late thing.
It's the not knowing that's killing me.
I don't envy you.
Going through that pregnant phase again,
very tough on a man.
Absolutely.
You go through all the emotions...
fear, joy,
lack of sex...
Hold on, lack of sex
is not a emotion.
I hate to break up
a good rant here, but it isn't.
Last time, Donna didn't want sex
till she was two days overdue.
Then she demanded it because
she heard it would induce labor.
I tell you what it
induced... a back spasm.
I fell off the bed,
almost broke my ass.
You can't break
an ass, Micky.
It's already broken.
- You can break an ass.
- How? How can you break an ass?
You know anyone
who's ever broken their ass?
You can't break
an ass, Micky.
Start thinking about
some of the shit you say.
Hey, I think about
the stuff I say.
You can break an ass.
- Southside congregation...
- Oh Jesus Christ, a church?
Oh, for God's sake!
She's on fire tonight.
We should see about
getting her a job
doing closed captions
for the terminally enraged.
- I was reading that.
- Uh-huh.
Why isn't he in jail?
He's done it before.
Do you get it? Lock him up!
Carol.
Carol, your mother
is in the next room.
Yeah, she's having fun.
So should we.
No, no, it's Murphy's Law.
The minute we start,
she'll be in here
in two seconds.
C'mon, Doug,
give it up.
You don't have any rights,
you scumbag!
Fry him!
Have you been jerking off
all day at work, or what?
Oh, that's
a good guess.
What is it about
having your mother in the next room
- that makes you so horny?
- Oh...
Stop!
I don't know.
I guess it reminds me
of when I first had sex...
the excitement of
not letting them hear.
See, it reminds me
of getting the shit kicked out of me
by my first
girlfriend's father.
So, do we know
anything yet?
No.
Aren't you gonna
take a test?
Isn't that
the next step?
What, so you can find out
how much trouble you're in?
Why has this
become about me?
We've been through this.
We both wanted this.
It is so obvious to me
that you don't want me to be pregnant.
And don't say a word,
because I know it's true.
Micky.
Hey, Micky.
Hey.
Hey.
Do you want
to fool around?
I'm on the pill,
I have a diaphragm, an I.U.D.,
a spermicidal sponge,
and I'm a week past ovulation.
I actually was just gonna ask you
to give me a blowjob tonight.
Yes, please.
Do you mind if I swallow?
Anything you need to do.
Okay. Thanks.
Thanks.
It's a fabrication, Jake.
You're lying to yourself,
you're lying to us.
You and your wife
don't use sex toys,
and I bet my last testicle
that you are full of shit.
What are you betting
your last testicle on now, Slayton?
Oh, Jakey boy's in
the bullshit mode again.
I'm convinced that God
put me in this pool-hall
just to keep
you guys honest.
Yeah? Who's He got here
to keep you honest?
All I'm saying is,
you think you want to go nuts
with 'em, but you don't, okay?
And once they have the kids,
when you do fuck 'em,
you fuck 'em nice
and gentle,
like you're doing
the school-marm
from "The Little
House on the Prairie."
I'm not making this stuff up.
I'm quoting you science.
I don't know, Carol and I,
we still get a little crazy.
A couple months ago,
I brought home
one of those condoms
with ridges on it.
Oh no, ribbed condoms?
You're kidding me.
Get out of here.
You're gross.
I had one of those ribbed condoms
once, wore it inside out.
Sounded like my wife
was getting laid by a jug band.
One time I borrowed this condom
from a buddy of mine, right?
Me and this broad
are goin' at it,
so, we whip out
the condom,
and on the side
it says, "the Samoan."
Talking
jet-black latex.
So, we're doing it,
she's watchin' it go in and out.
I mean, she's
really getting off.
So, afterwards I say to her,
"Were you fantasizing about
somebody's else dick
while we were doing it?"
She says to me,
"Yes, I was."
Fucked me up.
You were jealous
of your own dick?
Yeah, well, it wasn't
the first time.
C'mon, who's shot it?
Hey.
Bobby?
Is that you?
Look at you.
- Who's this?
- That's Randy,
the one you got in the oven.
My little brother.
Hey, Randy.
Listen, Dad,
we need to talk to you.
Can you get that for me?
Yeah, absolutely.
Listen, we don't like the way
you're treating our mother. Got it?!
Yeah, I'm being unwanted
from the get-go!
Makes for a very,
very troubled youth.
Makes a little kid
want to kick his dad's ass 24-7.
Get with the program
or we'll spend our lives
sucking you dry, got it?!
Wait, you guys,
you have it wrong, okay?
I love your mother.
I do, I love her.
You love your dick,
that's what you love.
You're a selfish prick
who loves his own dick
more than his wife and kids.
Grow up, Daddy. Grow up fast.
Come on, let's chow.
Asshole.
That's me
on a good day.
- That reminds me of Gunner.
- That reminds you of Gunner?
Yeah.
You okay?
Yeah. You know,
we broke up finally,
which we should've done
a long time ago.
But, it's
for the best.
This is the new
"Chicago This Week" information.
They changed
the discussion topic.
- On the day of the show?
- Yeah, it's better, though.
"The mayor is officially no longer
a gubernatorial candidate."
Okay, I could
work with this.
- Could I go with you to the show?
- Yeah, yeah.
Get me my press release
and my mayor file.
I'm on it.
Missy's so jammed
into my head.
It's tough, you know.
It's bizarre.
With everything
I got going on,
I can't think of anything
but fucking her.
This is a classic case
of diversion.
You're using
this Missy thing
to divert you from what
you should be doing.
I know. Thank you.
What do I do?
I told you what to do.
Fuck her, get her out of your system.
I already told you, Jake.
I'm not fucking her.
All right, if you're
not fucking her,
here's what
you need to do.
You need to divert
the diversion.
Whenever she gives you
a good head of steam,
just go in the bathroom,
give yourself a jerk.
Steam goes out the back valve
and you come back to reality,
which we all
know sucks.
I'm not gonna whack off in the men's
room at work. That's insane.
Why, what's
the big deal?
Just seal yourself into a nice stall
in the men's room,
snap it off.
I'm telling you,
when in doubt, jerk it out.
Okay, fine.
Good. I've talked enough
about you masturbating
to last my entire life.
Carry on.
Where are you going?
"Chicago This Week."
Don't act like
I didn't tell you.
You have an open invitation,
and you know it. You never want to go.
It'd still be nice
if you asked every once in a while.
Okay. Why don't you
come down to the show tonight?
No, I can't.
I'm tired.
I'll watch it later
on the TV.
Would you being tired have anything
to do with the pregnancy?
- Could be P.M.S.
- Let's find out.
What is this?
No, absolutely not.
I don't want to know yet.
- I do.
- Well, I don't.
I don't want to know if I have to go
through it all again
if you're not
fully committed.
Not fully committed?
I'm fully committed.
How can you say that
I'm not fully committed?
You couldn't give me
five minutes to adjust to the news?
Didn't you take a little time
to adjust to the news
when you figured out that maybe
you could possibly be pregnant?
I'm out there,
I'm working, you walk in,
you sit down next to me,
and you test me.
I did not test you.
You did.
You tested me and I failed.
How could I not have?
You're testing me
all the time, Donna, every day.
Well, maybe you need
to ask yourself
why I feel
the need to test you!
Now it's about me, isn't it?
So now it's about me.
You talk about you
not feeling safe with me.
Every time I come home,
I'm tested.
Oh, so now you're
testing me?
- This isn't a test.
- What is it?
It's a pop quiz.
We're gonna steal Casey.
Do I look good, or not?
- Yeah, Mom, you look great.
- Where are you going?
I have a date.
Honey, help me with this.
- A date? With who?
- With Daniel.
- Who's Daniel?
- You met him the last time I was here.
No, I didn't.
When is this date?
As soon as his mother
falls asleep.
He still lives
with his mother?
No, his mother
lives with him.
You know, not everybody
throws their parents out on the street.
Honey,
what do you think?
Wait, let me wake
the girls up.
Now, what do you think?
This? Lose the scarf?
That works.
You like it? Okay.
I'll lose the scarf. Thanks.
Relax, she flies
home tomorrow.
If I have to fuel
the jet myself.
All I know is that the mayor
spent $25,000
pulling his downstate
name recognition and popularity.
He mentioned the upcoming
gubernatorial primary...
"gubernatorial" is a very
hard work to pronounce.
Especially sober.
You ready for this?
He mentioned it
in 17 speeches
last month.
Yes, and the mayor
also talks about the Cubs quite often,
and I can
guarantee you
he's not trying out
for second base.
Oh, good line, Sandy.
Sounds like one from someone
who works for the man
who's running to be
the next governor of Illinois.
No, just
a big Cubs fan.
What you're saying,
though, by the way, is that
he's just not polling well
downstate, the numbers aren't good.
No, actually
they were quite good.
Let's take another road
to the center of town.
Twice in Illinois history,
the Democrats
have drafted
a candidate for governor.
- Harold Washington and...
- Adlai Stevenson.
- Absolutely.
- Yes, you're showing your age.
If the Democrats
were to draft your man,
would he say yes?
The mayor is a loyal member
of the Democratic party.
That's a yes,
and I love a yes.
At any rate, that's all
for "Chicago This Week"...
everything relevant, everything Chicago,
everything that's me.
No, no, you made
your argument well, Sandy.
Unfortunately
it was wrong, but you did it well.
Oh, you were
listening?
Careful, Micky, you might
actually learn something.
See you next week.
Tell the mayor I want
an interview and a cuddle.
Bye.
Hey.
She hates me.
Doubt that.
So, what are you
gonna do now?
Now, I'm probably
gonna go home
and continue fighting
with my wife.
What are you
gonna do?
I'm just thinking
I'm gonna go home.
I just moved into
my new apartment.
I have a new roommate
who's totally insane.
Wow, could only imagine
what she's saying about you.
You know what? My place is only
two blocks away from here.
Do you want
to come by and see it?
- Come see it?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I'll come see your apartment.
- That's awesome.
Okay, come on.
Oh, I'm so psyched.
Doug. Oh, Doug.
Ah-ah...
Oh God.
Oh you just made it.
Is that the TV?
No...
my mother brought
her date home.
That makes sense, seeing
as he lives with his mother.
Oh my God, they're
coming this way.
I would run,
but I'm afraid my legs are shot.
Carol, honey,
you still awake?
- Hey.
- Hey, good.
You don't mind if I bring a date
into your home, do you?
No, that's fine.
Daniel, c'mon.
You remember my daughter Carol.
This is her husband Doug.
Hi. I've heard
a lot about you.
Why don't you go outside and make
yourself at home?
Oh, okay.
Let's hope he has
some spunk left in him.
- Seems housebroken.
- Oh my God.
Yeah.
So, here it is.
Okay, this is it.
Sorry,
it's such a mess.
No, it's great.
And this is
my roommate Lane.
- Hi.
- Hey.
So, are we
gonna party?
- Party, oh.
- Yeah, I think so.
- All right.
- Let's party.
- It's an amazing apartment.
- Do you like it?
Yeah, I like it.
Hey, Micky,
you want a beer, right?
Yeah, give me a beer.
Ooh-ooh!
Okay, wait, wait.
Go, okay.
#... I've come to take you there,
show you how to care... #
Here you go.
I need a buzz,
like this.
Okay, now,
and now...
- Go, Micky. Go, Micky.
- I like your boss.
That's it now,
woo!
Get up here, c'mon.
Get up,
get up, get up.
#... I'm gonna be there
till the end #
# 100% pure love #
# Back to the middle
and around again #
# I'm gonna be there
till the end... #
Okay, that's it.
She's scaring me.
#... Back to the middle #
# Want you, oh,
want you, oh #
# Want you, oh,
want you, oh... #
Woo!
She should
be a stripper.
She would make
so much money,
but her parents
are really straight,
so they really screwed her up
about that kind of stuff.
Okay, somebody needs to come dance
with me. 'Cause I need a partner.
- Micky, Micky.
- No no no.
I love this.
Okay okay okay,
I will. I will.
- Okay.
- Woo!
#... I won't deny
I'm takin' your heart #
# Home #
# From the back to the middle
and around again #
# I'm gonna be there
till the end #
# 100% pure love #
# From the back to the middle
and around again... #
Oh my God, I cannot believe
I'm doing this in front of my boss.
Yeah, well, he doesn't
seem to mind.
Isn't she gonna be
the coolest roommate?
You are.
Okay, you know what?
I have to go to the bathroom.
Door to your left.
You want another
drink, Micky?
Yeah, that'd be good.
Oh.
Oh God.
"When shit gets out of hand,
you gotta let out the steam.
Come back to reality.
When in doubt, jerk it out."
Oh, fuck it.
C'mon.
Oh, wait.
Fuck, God damn it.
Fuck.
God damn it!
- You're kidding me.
- No no no.
What did you see?
Damn it.
I have a rash.
I was chafing...
psoriasis.
Okay, I put some
lotion on it, okay.
I really do, okay?
I didn't make that up.
This really bad rash.
I was chafed.
It's this damn rash.
This time you get
happy ending, no argue.
You need one badly.
A hand job,
will that work for me?
Will that make me happy?
Why doesn't the thought of another child
make me happy?
Why am I so fucking
disconnected?
What is it about me
that wants to push
everything good
in my life away?
How you get the big bump
on the head?
I love my son more
than my own life.
Same goes
with my wife.
I mean, no offense,
but what am I doing here?
Most men ask that question
after happy ending.
I spend so much time in my life
trying to get women to do things
that are morally reprehensible,
emotionally debilitating,
and at best, you know,
hygienically questionable.
Yet at the same time,
when it comes to the one woman
you make commitment to,
you won't be around her
more than 10 minutes
without tearing her apart.
Maybe making it easy
for her to tear you apart.
Yes?
Yes yes.
Thank you.
Okay, you be quiet now.
Okay?
You keep talking,
I need a happy ending.
# I know what
you'll say #
# You say, "Oh #
# Sing one we know" #
# But I promise you this... #
Donna?
Donna?
Babe, you up?
#... That's what
I'll do #
# I say, "Oh" #
# My heart is yours #
# It's you that
I hold onto #
# That's what I do #
# And I know
I was wrong #
# But I won't
let you down #
# Oh yeah, oh yeah,
oh yeah, yeah, I will #
# Yes, I will #
# I said, "Oh..." #
# I cry, "Oh..." #
# Yeah, I saw sparks #
# Yeah, I saw sparks #
# And I saw sparks #
# Yeah, I saw... #
# My eyes may roam #
# The neighbors' grass
may seem much greener #
# Than the grass
right here at home #
# If pretty girls excite me,
well, that's life #
# But just in case
you didn't know #
# I love my wife #
# If rosy lips invite me,
hey, that's life #
# But just in case
you couldn't guess #
# Or hadn't heard
or didn't know #
# I love my wife,
I love my wife #
# I love my wife. #
All right, my babe.
All right, my Bobby.
It's bedtime.
Are you gonna be good?
There we are, sweets,
it's bedtime.
There we are. Yes.
There we are.
He's finally down.
He has tenacity,
I will give him that.
Well, he's no match
for his mother.
I have yet to meet
the man that is.
So, are you maybe ready
to do it all again?
To do what
all again?
Everything.
What's everything?
I'm late.
You're late?
Like you're late for work,
you're late for the gym...
what are you late for?
You're late for
your period late?
That kind of late?
Yeah. Are you
okay with that?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm okay.
The important thing is what you said,
that first moment there.
That's the whole
ball of wax.
Exactly, it's all about
the initial reaction,
everything else
is just filler.
I handled it great.
I did, I was great.
You're pregnant?
Oh, this is wonderful.
This is wonderful
for us, Donna.
It's wonderful
for Bobby.
It's wonderful
for the little fetus.
It's wonderful for everybody.
It's just wonderful.
Fetus thing could've
been a little over the top.
Sounds to me like
you did okay.
I did,
I was wonderful.
So, what did he say? It's all about
the reaction. What was his reaction?
It was horrible.
I was appalled.
You're pregnant?
With everything
I got going on right now,
you go out and
you get pregnant?
Why don't you just pop a cap in the back
of my fucking head?
I ought to kick his ass for talking
to you that way. He really said that?
Well, I might have
embellished a little,
but he wasn't charming,
I can tell you that.
I thought you guys
have been trying.
So did I, I just didn't know
we were trying that hard.
Sound like one of those kids
from a junior-high sex video...
"Somebody told me that
if I stuck a pepper up my ass,
Suzy wouldn't
get pregnant."
Does she know for sure?
Has she been tested or anything?
No, but she said she's late.
Apparently, she's never late.
Whenever they're late,
they always say they're never late,
'cause they know
we know less than they do.
Half the shit my wife says
is just to see if I'm listening.
The problem with that is, my wife
is sure that I know less than she does.
She also knows
I'm never listening.
I don't know.
It's just, lately he seems so withdrawn,
so preoccupied.
He's not like the Micky I used to know.
Well, you know, I have this technique
I use with Doug.
When I sense something's off,
I ask him what's wrong.
Maybe, that's what I should do.
I should just ask him, from nowhere.
Communication's a novel approach.
I know, Donna, but you should try it.
I don't know I'd want to hear the answers
to half the questions
I'd put to Micky.
I'd like to ask him why he hasn't put
this VCR thing together himself.
Oh, he did. That's why
I'm doing it again.
- "Chicago This Week"?
- Uh-huh.
- What's the topic?
- It's a very, very hot topic.
Construction delays.
That's the topic? They're not done yet.
End of discussion.
- That's gonna be an hour show?
- Yup.
Well, it is called "Chicago This Week,"
and not "60 Minutes."
The panel, though, is just you and the
mayor's press secretary, so that's cool.
Yeah, Sandy Desmond.
- Hey, fuel for the brain-dead.
- Thanks.
You're welcome,
pretty lady.
Hey Missy,
you ever model?
Oh, that's
a new one. No.
- No, really? Scout's honor?
- Buzz me if you need me.
You were a Girl Scout
though, weren't you?
Okay, you know
what, Jake?
Get some boundaries,
will you, please?
Aw, come on. Loosen up.
Just a little sparring session.
Your assistant's safe,
I'm off single women.
Yeah, really?
This thing with Ilene's
got you running scared, huh?
Damn right, scared me straight
to married women.
That's my next affair...
woman in a good marriage.
Jake, the problem with that theory
is a woman in a good marriage
is not gonna want
to have sex with you.
Okay, not so good
she wouldn't wanna have sex with me,
but good enough
so she'd never leave her husband.
That way we'd both have something
to lose... mutually assured destruction.
That's Sandy Desmond,
the mayor's press secretary?
You doing a show
with her?
Okay, you know what?
That's it, you're now officially thrown
out of my office. Get out.
- She's very hot, she's married.
- Yeah, thank you.
- I mean it, she meets all my criteria.
- Okay, thanks for sharing.
Well, how about
tomorrow?
Hey.
My mother-in-law
finally wants to go home,
and I can't get her
on a flight.
The airline should have emergency
seating for that,
like flying home
for a family funeral.
Really?
Jeez, well,
how about the next day?
Jeez, can you put her
on the next available flight, please?
You know, I'm not kidding, man,
she's really killing me.
Your mother-in-law's only dangerous
if she turns your wife against you.
No, that's not it. See, she messes
with our sex life big time.
- Really?
- Ah, hello.
Yeah, no,
I'll take it. Thank you.
Let me guess. Carol can't have sex
with her mom in the house?
No, that's not it.
You know, actually
I think I've said too much as it is.
What are you saying,
the old lady wants in on a three-way?
Don't project your highway-to-hell
fantasies into my life.
You know, since your sex life
is shot, you must be hungry.
- C'mon, let's go eat.
- Yeah.
You know, the mother-in-law
I got now is the best one I ever had.
She's my age, so we relate
to each other. It's fucking great.
Yeah, I've seen
your mother-in-law. She's nice.
Yeah, but it's
all surgeries.
One more face-lift and that broad's
gonna be wearing a goatee.
I'll tell you my secret to getting
along with my mother-in-law:
she lives in England.
Of course if Donna's pregnant,
she's coming here.
It's not that I even mind
having a second kid.
At least,
I don't think I mind.
It's the late thing.
It's the not knowing that's killing me.
I don't envy you.
Going through that pregnant phase again,
very tough on a man.
Absolutely.
You go through all the emotions...
fear, joy,
lack of sex...
Hold on, lack of sex
is not a emotion.
I hate to break up
a good rant here, but it isn't.
Last time, Donna didn't want sex
till she was two days overdue.
Then she demanded it because
she heard it would induce labor.
I tell you what it
induced... a back spasm.
I fell off the bed,
almost broke my ass.
You can't break
an ass, Micky.
It's already broken.
- You can break an ass.
- How? How can you break an ass?
You know anyone
who's ever broken their ass?
You can't break
an ass, Micky.
Start thinking about
some of the shit you say.
Hey, I think about
the stuff I say.
You can break an ass.
- Southside congregation...
- Oh Jesus Christ, a church?
Oh, for God's sake!
She's on fire tonight.
We should see about
getting her a job
doing closed captions
for the terminally enraged.
- I was reading that.
- Uh-huh.
Why isn't he in jail?
He's done it before.
Do you get it? Lock him up!
Carol.
Carol, your mother
is in the next room.
Yeah, she's having fun.
So should we.
No, no, it's Murphy's Law.
The minute we start,
she'll be in here
in two seconds.
C'mon, Doug,
give it up.
You don't have any rights,
you scumbag!
Fry him!
Have you been jerking off
all day at work, or what?
Oh, that's
a good guess.
What is it about
having your mother in the next room
- that makes you so horny?
- Oh...
Stop!
I don't know.
I guess it reminds me
of when I first had sex...
the excitement of
not letting them hear.
See, it reminds me
of getting the shit kicked out of me
by my first
girlfriend's father.
So, do we know
anything yet?
No.
Aren't you gonna
take a test?
Isn't that
the next step?
What, so you can find out
how much trouble you're in?
Why has this
become about me?
We've been through this.
We both wanted this.
It is so obvious to me
that you don't want me to be pregnant.
And don't say a word,
because I know it's true.
Micky.
Hey, Micky.
Hey.
Hey.
Do you want
to fool around?
I'm on the pill,
I have a diaphragm, an I.U.D.,
a spermicidal sponge,
and I'm a week past ovulation.
I actually was just gonna ask you
to give me a blowjob tonight.
Yes, please.
Do you mind if I swallow?
Anything you need to do.
Okay. Thanks.
Thanks.
It's a fabrication, Jake.
You're lying to yourself,
you're lying to us.
You and your wife
don't use sex toys,
and I bet my last testicle
that you are full of shit.
What are you betting
your last testicle on now, Slayton?
Oh, Jakey boy's in
the bullshit mode again.
I'm convinced that God
put me in this pool-hall
just to keep
you guys honest.
Yeah? Who's He got here
to keep you honest?
All I'm saying is,
you think you want to go nuts
with 'em, but you don't, okay?
And once they have the kids,
when you do fuck 'em,
you fuck 'em nice
and gentle,
like you're doing
the school-marm
from "The Little
House on the Prairie."
I'm not making this stuff up.
I'm quoting you science.
I don't know, Carol and I,
we still get a little crazy.
A couple months ago,
I brought home
one of those condoms
with ridges on it.
Oh no, ribbed condoms?
You're kidding me.
Get out of here.
You're gross.
I had one of those ribbed condoms
once, wore it inside out.
Sounded like my wife
was getting laid by a jug band.
One time I borrowed this condom
from a buddy of mine, right?
Me and this broad
are goin' at it,
so, we whip out
the condom,
and on the side
it says, "the Samoan."
Talking
jet-black latex.
So, we're doing it,
she's watchin' it go in and out.
I mean, she's
really getting off.
So, afterwards I say to her,
"Were you fantasizing about
somebody's else dick
while we were doing it?"
She says to me,
"Yes, I was."
Fucked me up.
You were jealous
of your own dick?
Yeah, well, it wasn't
the first time.
C'mon, who's shot it?
Hey.
Bobby?
Is that you?
Look at you.
- Who's this?
- That's Randy,
the one you got in the oven.
My little brother.
Hey, Randy.
Listen, Dad,
we need to talk to you.
Can you get that for me?
Yeah, absolutely.
Listen, we don't like the way
you're treating our mother. Got it?!
Yeah, I'm being unwanted
from the get-go!
Makes for a very,
very troubled youth.
Makes a little kid
want to kick his dad's ass 24-7.
Get with the program
or we'll spend our lives
sucking you dry, got it?!
Wait, you guys,
you have it wrong, okay?
I love your mother.
I do, I love her.
You love your dick,
that's what you love.
You're a selfish prick
who loves his own dick
more than his wife and kids.
Grow up, Daddy. Grow up fast.
Come on, let's chow.
Asshole.
That's me
on a good day.
- That reminds me of Gunner.
- That reminds you of Gunner?
Yeah.
You okay?
Yeah. You know,
we broke up finally,
which we should've done
a long time ago.
But, it's
for the best.
This is the new
"Chicago This Week" information.
They changed
the discussion topic.
- On the day of the show?
- Yeah, it's better, though.
"The mayor is officially no longer
a gubernatorial candidate."
Okay, I could
work with this.
- Could I go with you to the show?
- Yeah, yeah.
Get me my press release
and my mayor file.
I'm on it.
Missy's so jammed
into my head.
It's tough, you know.
It's bizarre.
With everything
I got going on,
I can't think of anything
but fucking her.
This is a classic case
of diversion.
You're using
this Missy thing
to divert you from what
you should be doing.
I know. Thank you.
What do I do?
I told you what to do.
Fuck her, get her out of your system.
I already told you, Jake.
I'm not fucking her.
All right, if you're
not fucking her,
here's what
you need to do.
You need to divert
the diversion.
Whenever she gives you
a good head of steam,
just go in the bathroom,
give yourself a jerk.
Steam goes out the back valve
and you come back to reality,
which we all
know sucks.
I'm not gonna whack off in the men's
room at work. That's insane.
Why, what's
the big deal?
Just seal yourself into a nice stall
in the men's room,
snap it off.
I'm telling you,
when in doubt, jerk it out.
Okay, fine.
Good. I've talked enough
about you masturbating
to last my entire life.
Carry on.
Where are you going?
"Chicago This Week."
Don't act like
I didn't tell you.
You have an open invitation,
and you know it. You never want to go.
It'd still be nice
if you asked every once in a while.
Okay. Why don't you
come down to the show tonight?
No, I can't.
I'm tired.
I'll watch it later
on the TV.
Would you being tired have anything
to do with the pregnancy?
- Could be P.M.S.
- Let's find out.
What is this?
No, absolutely not.
I don't want to know yet.
- I do.
- Well, I don't.
I don't want to know if I have to go
through it all again
if you're not
fully committed.
Not fully committed?
I'm fully committed.
How can you say that
I'm not fully committed?
You couldn't give me
five minutes to adjust to the news?
Didn't you take a little time
to adjust to the news
when you figured out that maybe
you could possibly be pregnant?
I'm out there,
I'm working, you walk in,
you sit down next to me,
and you test me.
I did not test you.
You did.
You tested me and I failed.
How could I not have?
You're testing me
all the time, Donna, every day.
Well, maybe you need
to ask yourself
why I feel
the need to test you!
Now it's about me, isn't it?
So now it's about me.
You talk about you
not feeling safe with me.
Every time I come home,
I'm tested.
Oh, so now you're
testing me?
- This isn't a test.
- What is it?
It's a pop quiz.
We're gonna steal Casey.
Do I look good, or not?
- Yeah, Mom, you look great.
- Where are you going?
I have a date.
Honey, help me with this.
- A date? With who?
- With Daniel.
- Who's Daniel?
- You met him the last time I was here.
No, I didn't.
When is this date?
As soon as his mother
falls asleep.
He still lives
with his mother?
No, his mother
lives with him.
You know, not everybody
throws their parents out on the street.
Honey,
what do you think?
Wait, let me wake
the girls up.
Now, what do you think?
This? Lose the scarf?
That works.
You like it? Okay.
I'll lose the scarf. Thanks.
Relax, she flies
home tomorrow.
If I have to fuel
the jet myself.
All I know is that the mayor
spent $25,000
pulling his downstate
name recognition and popularity.
He mentioned the upcoming
gubernatorial primary...
"gubernatorial" is a very
hard work to pronounce.
Especially sober.
You ready for this?
He mentioned it
in 17 speeches
last month.
Yes, and the mayor
also talks about the Cubs quite often,
and I can
guarantee you
he's not trying out
for second base.
Oh, good line, Sandy.
Sounds like one from someone
who works for the man
who's running to be
the next governor of Illinois.
No, just
a big Cubs fan.
What you're saying,
though, by the way, is that
he's just not polling well
downstate, the numbers aren't good.
No, actually
they were quite good.
Let's take another road
to the center of town.
Twice in Illinois history,
the Democrats
have drafted
a candidate for governor.
- Harold Washington and...
- Adlai Stevenson.
- Absolutely.
- Yes, you're showing your age.
If the Democrats
were to draft your man,
would he say yes?
The mayor is a loyal member
of the Democratic party.
That's a yes,
and I love a yes.
At any rate, that's all
for "Chicago This Week"...
everything relevant, everything Chicago,
everything that's me.
No, no, you made
your argument well, Sandy.
Unfortunately
it was wrong, but you did it well.
Oh, you were
listening?
Careful, Micky, you might
actually learn something.
See you next week.
Tell the mayor I want
an interview and a cuddle.
Bye.
Hey.
She hates me.
Doubt that.
So, what are you
gonna do now?
Now, I'm probably
gonna go home
and continue fighting
with my wife.
What are you
gonna do?
I'm just thinking
I'm gonna go home.
I just moved into
my new apartment.
I have a new roommate
who's totally insane.
Wow, could only imagine
what she's saying about you.
You know what? My place is only
two blocks away from here.
Do you want
to come by and see it?
- Come see it?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I'll come see your apartment.
- That's awesome.
Okay, come on.
Oh, I'm so psyched.
Doug. Oh, Doug.
Ah-ah...
Oh God.
Oh you just made it.
Is that the TV?
No...
my mother brought
her date home.
That makes sense, seeing
as he lives with his mother.
Oh my God, they're
coming this way.
I would run,
but I'm afraid my legs are shot.
Carol, honey,
you still awake?
- Hey.
- Hey, good.
You don't mind if I bring a date
into your home, do you?
No, that's fine.
Daniel, c'mon.
You remember my daughter Carol.
This is her husband Doug.
Hi. I've heard
a lot about you.
Why don't you go outside and make
yourself at home?
Oh, okay.
Let's hope he has
some spunk left in him.
- Seems housebroken.
- Oh my God.
Yeah.
So, here it is.
Okay, this is it.
Sorry,
it's such a mess.
No, it's great.
And this is
my roommate Lane.
- Hi.
- Hey.
So, are we
gonna party?
- Party, oh.
- Yeah, I think so.
- All right.
- Let's party.
- It's an amazing apartment.
- Do you like it?
Yeah, I like it.
Hey, Micky,
you want a beer, right?
Yeah, give me a beer.
Ooh-ooh!
Okay, wait, wait.
Go, okay.
#... I've come to take you there,
show you how to care... #
Here you go.
I need a buzz,
like this.
Okay, now,
and now...
- Go, Micky. Go, Micky.
- I like your boss.
That's it now,
woo!
Get up here, c'mon.
Get up,
get up, get up.
#... I'm gonna be there
till the end #
# 100% pure love #
# Back to the middle
and around again #
# I'm gonna be there
till the end... #
Okay, that's it.
She's scaring me.
#... Back to the middle #
# Want you, oh,
want you, oh #
# Want you, oh,
want you, oh... #
Woo!
She should
be a stripper.
She would make
so much money,
but her parents
are really straight,
so they really screwed her up
about that kind of stuff.
Okay, somebody needs to come dance
with me. 'Cause I need a partner.
- Micky, Micky.
- No no no.
I love this.
Okay okay okay,
I will. I will.
- Okay.
- Woo!
#... I won't deny
I'm takin' your heart #
# Home #
# From the back to the middle
and around again #
# I'm gonna be there
till the end #
# 100% pure love #
# From the back to the middle
and around again... #
Oh my God, I cannot believe
I'm doing this in front of my boss.
Yeah, well, he doesn't
seem to mind.
Isn't she gonna be
the coolest roommate?
You are.
Okay, you know what?
I have to go to the bathroom.
Door to your left.
You want another
drink, Micky?
Yeah, that'd be good.
Oh.
Oh God.
"When shit gets out of hand,
you gotta let out the steam.
Come back to reality.
When in doubt, jerk it out."
Oh, fuck it.
C'mon.
Oh, wait.
Fuck, God damn it.
Fuck.
God damn it!
- You're kidding me.
- No no no.
What did you see?
Damn it.
I have a rash.
I was chafing...
psoriasis.
Okay, I put some
lotion on it, okay.
I really do, okay?
I didn't make that up.
This really bad rash.
I was chafed.
It's this damn rash.
This time you get
happy ending, no argue.
You need one badly.
A hand job,
will that work for me?
Will that make me happy?
Why doesn't the thought of another child
make me happy?
Why am I so fucking
disconnected?
What is it about me
that wants to push
everything good
in my life away?
How you get the big bump
on the head?
I love my son more
than my own life.
Same goes
with my wife.
I mean, no offense,
but what am I doing here?
Most men ask that question
after happy ending.
I spend so much time in my life
trying to get women to do things
that are morally reprehensible,
emotionally debilitating,
and at best, you know,
hygienically questionable.
Yet at the same time,
when it comes to the one woman
you make commitment to,
you won't be around her
more than 10 minutes
without tearing her apart.
Maybe making it easy
for her to tear you apart.
Yes?
Yes yes.
Thank you.
Okay, you be quiet now.
Okay?
You keep talking,
I need a happy ending.
# I know what
you'll say #
# You say, "Oh #
# Sing one we know" #
# But I promise you this... #
Donna?
Donna?
Babe, you up?
#... That's what
I'll do #
# I say, "Oh" #
# My heart is yours #
# It's you that
I hold onto #
# That's what I do #
# And I know
I was wrong #
# But I won't
let you down #
# Oh yeah, oh yeah,
oh yeah, yeah, I will #
# Yes, I will #
# I said, "Oh..." #
# I cry, "Oh..." #
# Yeah, I saw sparks #
# Yeah, I saw sparks #
# And I saw sparks #
# Yeah, I saw... #