The Mind of the Married Man (2001–2002): Season 1, Episode 8 - When We Were Nice - full transcript

# My thoughts may stray #

# My eyes may roam #

# The neighbors' grass
may seem much greener #

# Than the grass
right here at home #

# If pretty girls excite me,
well, that's life #

# But just in case
you didn't know #

# I love my wife #

# If rosy lips invite me,
hey, that's life #

# But just in case
you couldn't guess #

# Or hadn't heard
or didn't know #

# I love my wife,
I love my wife #



# I love my wife. #

My life is sawdust.

Sawdust and
tile samples.

Think the remodel's
getting out of hand?

The house is always
cold, we don't talk,

and every spare second she has,
she's working on the kitchen.

I come home and I basically
just get in the way.

Lately, it feels like
there's 15 miles

- between my wife and I at all times.
- How's the sex?

Why is it that you feel comfortable
asking me that question?

Sex is gone.

Is it the remodel or is the remodel
the convenient excuse

- to be 15 miles apart?
- I don't know.

I just know that lately
she's very...



snippy.

Snippy's not good.

That means Donna has
unprocessed anger towards you,

which in turn
is reinforcing

your own low self-esteem
about your part in the marriage.

What did you do, get butt-fucked
by a therapist this weekend?

No, I stayed at home,
laid on the floor.

My back,
it's killing me.

Carol and the kids
had to wait on me hand and foot.

All right, I got the fix.
Everybody wins.

We get a therapist to come over,
give Donna a quick brainwashing,

get her to process
some of this unearthed anger of hers.

Hopefully, she takes
some of it out on him.

The upshot is Donna gets real sweet
and you guys get back to normal.

Meanwhile, next weekend
Carol and the kids come over to my place

and wait on me
hand and foot.

How's that help
my backache?

While your wife and kids are busy
treating me like the lost prince,

you're in the free to go
over and see Sachiko.

She grabs your dick so hard
and yanks it so far

your back becomes the absolute
least of your problems.

You are howling in
an ecstasy-tainted pain

that's so deep
and so soothing,

you don't know whether to take a shit
or run for Congress.

You finally leave the place
skipping and singing

like a nine-year-old
schoolgirl.

Once again, as in all my fixes,
everybody wins.

It's good thing we don't have a longer
walk to work every day.

Some of your bullshit
would actually start to make sense.

Order anything you want.
It's on me and you deserve to splurge.

You got me that in in "Chicago
Perspective" and I really appreciate it.

Hey, you're
talented, okay?

You have a lot of passion.
You're good at what you do.

You make it easy
to be nice to.

And I'm cute. You always seem to forget
to mention the cute part.

Yes, you are, you're cute.
Goes without saying.

You're not gonna have to run away
and masturbate again, are you?

You know what?
Fuck off, okay?

Anyway, for all
I know

according to you, you're probably
masturbating right now as we speak.

Actually, I already did while you
were in the men's room.

- So, let me ask you a question.
- Hmm.

Where's this going with you and I?
All the sex talk,

all the masturbating talk,
where's it going?

I don't know.
Where do you want it to go?

Where do you
want it to go?

I want it to go somewhere,
put it that way.

- Tell me.
- Why?

- 'Cause I'm curious.
- Well, you're married

- and it's not gonna go there, so...
- Where's there?

Where do you think
there is?

Your bed? Is that where you want
it to go, your bed?

Yes, my bed. Are you happy now?
Is that what you wanted to hear?

You swear you're
not bullshitting.

No, I'm not bullshitting.
But you're married, remember?

I know I'm married.
Fine, I'm just curious.

I just happen to
love the fact that...

What, that I want
to fuck you?

Yes, that you want
to fuck me.

- You like that?
- Absolutely.

You... you wanting to fuck me
is a very good thing, it's...

as close as one comes
to the actual act.

Whose duck is that?
That's Bobby's duck!

There's my little boy.

Hey, you're home early.
How come?

Hello, gorgeous.

I actually am taping
that show tonight.

I thought you might
want to come.

The less said about
that show, the better.

Anyway, I've got Larry
coming with cabinets.

Okay.

What about dinner?

The kitchen gonna be able
to make a tuna sandwich

and bag of chips
anytime soon?

Just as soon as you
or your assistant calls me

- and tells me you'll be coming home.
- What does that mean?

Assuming we both speak English,
I'm sure you know what it means.

It means I'll gladly
have dinner for you

if I know you're
going to be here.

Oh.
That makes sense.

Look at Ducky.
Hello, darling.

- Quack, quack.
- All right, no problem.

Quack, quack.
Yeah.

Sandy, you know my assistant
Missy, don't you?

- She came on the show, remember?
- Don't remind me.

I've wanted to tell you
what a fan I am

of your appearances
on the show.

Of course you are.
I come on the show once a week

and play the fool
to your boss's political raconteur.

He makes me look silly and then he
goes to work the next day

all happy and upbeat
and is all sweet to you.

You should
be my fan.

He is excellent on
the show, isn't he?

Do you want anything
to drink, like coffee or something?

I'd actually
love an iced tea.

- Great.
- Thank you.

- I'm fine. Thanks, sweetie.
- Okay.

Wants to be a reporter,
silly her.

Mmm, she's got
a crush on her boss, that one.

You two
fooling around?

- No. Why would you ask that?
- Hey, it's okay.

- It's not. We're not fooling around.
- Hey, I was just teasing.

I'm the last one to judge
on something like that.

Well, I'm not. We're not fooling around.
We're not.

We're not fooling around.
Seriously, we're not.

Of course, you're not, Micky.
I was really just teasing.

I got you though,
didn't I?

See you out there.

Ow.

Chiropractor can't see me
till next week.

Get off the floor,
I'll take you to Sachiko's.

No.

It's cafeteria style.
You take what you want, leave the rest.

Yeah?

Okay.

Let's do it.

At any rate, Sandy,
your opinion of Mr. Bush?

I think Bush
is doing a good job.

I think he's brought some
decency back to the job.

Let me cover the issue
another way then.

Do you as a reporter
ever have the right

to probe into these
people's private lives,

in or out
of their marriages?

No, my job is to report
on their jobs, okay?

As long as their private lives
don't affect their jobs

or the people
that they represent,

then their private lives,
at least to me, aren't newsworthy.

But supposing someone fools around
with a woman outside of his marriage,

doesn't that then effect
his public integrity,

the integrity of doing the job?
Doesn't that then become newsworthy?

- What's your opinion, Micky?
- I don't think it's the right question.

This isn't the issue that we've elected
these people to inform us on.

Exactly. Not only that, I think
there's very few of us

that have the perfect handle
on that aspect of our lives anyway.

Nobody's perfect,
people make mistakes.

It's part
of the human condition.

That's a good place to end
"Chicago This Week."

Please tune in next week for all
that's relevant, all that's Chicago,

all that's me.
Good night.

This is it?
This is the place?

The outside makes it
look worse than it is.

They put the money
in the girls.

You know what?
I don't want to do this.

Look, they're
legitimate masseuses.

They got licenses
on the wall,

like doctors
or car mechanics.

No.
I'll go home now.

This isn't for me.

Give me a break.
It's a hand job.

- I don't want a hand job, Jake.
- All right, fine, I'll get two.

If you change your mind, I'll give you
one of them tomorrow at the office.

Thank you, Melvin.
See you next week.

You were great.

You were hysterical.

You were smart.

You were appealing.
You were exciting. You were funny.

Thank you, but I did notice you
didn't laugh at the Jesse Jackson joke.

- Is there a reason for that?
- Oh, um...

no, at that moment
I was just thinking

of this column I wanted
to write one day.

That Sandy's a trip
though, isn't she?

She asked me if we
were fooling around.

- What?
- She did.

No, really,
what did you say?

She was teasing.
She was fishing, but she asked.

Why would
she be fishing?

What would make
her think that?

What did you
tell her?

What did I tell her?
I told her we were, but we had cooled it

and now I was just occasionally
letting you blow me after work.

What do you think
I told her?

She really asked if
we were fooling around?

The mayor's press secretary, Micky.
Doesn't that worry you?

- What, are you gonna rough me up?
- Yes!

No, it doesn't worry me.
She was teasing. It's fine.

- It is?
- Yes, it is.

Am I free to go?

No, you're not
free to go.

- You are in big, big trouble.
- I am?

Good.

What are you doing?
Why did you just kiss me?

You're married.

I know, I know.
It was a mistake, okay?

Hey, you kissed me back.

Sorry.

Okay, I gotta go.
I should go home.

I should go home.

- Yeah.
- Damn cute, Missy.

I'll see you
at work tomorrow?

Hey.

- Hey, honey.
- Oh God.

I'm in pain.
My back is killing me.

- Oh.
- Can't think.

You know, my head
is so messed up

from this backache, I almost went
with Jake to his massage parlor.

Hmm, somehow I think
we might have trouble

getting Blue Cross
to reimburse that.

Well, just looking
to fix my back.

Although I do find myself

- with a craving for a hand job.
- Excuse me?

Remember you used
to give me hand jobs

down in your basement
during high school?

I used to look
so forward to those

all week long.

You did?
That's sweet.

You haven't given me
a hand job in years.

You used to love it.

Well, I liked the way it made you feel,
but I didn't exactly love it.

Especially when you drank
beer, it would take forever.

I'd get hand cramps.

Well, I miss it.

My back hurts.

Tell you what,

the kids are at
a sleep-over tonight.

Why don't you go in the bedroom,
take a hot shower?

Go relax,
lay down on the bed

and I will come in
and give you a massage

and a hand job.

- You will?
- Uh-huh.

- Really?
- Uh-huh.

No shit.
Then what did she do?

She kissed me back.

For a minute at least,
then she got freaked out.

Now, I'm trusting
you here, Jake.

I'm telling you this
like a buddy.

I don't want you teasing me
and I don't want you going to her

- with stupid little jokes.
- Hey, just give me a little credit.

I know you think I should fuck her,
get it out of my system.

- I do, absolutely.
- But that's not me.

Okay, you were right about me,
you had me pegged.

I am looking for love or something.
I am fucked up.

I mean I kiss this girl
once and I just...

I almost...

I almost told her
I loved her or something.

I mean, it's not even
about fucking her.

It's like I want to...
I just want to kiss her.

Just like...
kiss her really deeply.

You got your wife
to kiss deeply, Micky.

You don't want to kiss this girl deep.
That's just trouble.

I mean, come on, you're in love
with your wife, right?

Yes.
I am, I am.

It's just she's
so distant, you know?

She's so distant
sometimes, I mean...

I mean, I know
I make her distant.

I get it, it's defensive.
But she's so good at it.

But you do know you're
not really in love

- with Missy, right?
- Yes. Yes, I do.

I know that.
I think I know that.

God, I am bad meat
in a can, aren't I?

Wow.

Oh my God,
that feels so good.

Okay,
turn over.

It's show time.

Damn, I'm surprised
the rest of your organs

have the blood
they need to maintain.

If I'm going to do this,
I'm going to do it correctly.

I know in high school I used to use
my hand, but I've since matured.

So, I got a few things together
while you were in the shower.

- What do you mean?
- Well...

we'll get the party
started with this. Oh!

- Keep it going with this.
- Yeah.

Oh, you like that?

Get some action
going with this.

Ooh!

And then I will slow
you down with him.

And for the grand finale,
you can let fly

into this.

I love it.

One thing never changes.
You are still insane.

Shh.
Lay back,

shut up,

and enjoy the ride.

I mean, doesn't that then
become newsworthy?

- What's your opinion, Micky?
- I don't think it's the right question.

This isn't the issue that we've elected
these people to inform us on.

Exactly. Not only that, I think
there's very few of us

that have the perfect handle
on that side of our lives anyway.

Nobody's perfect,
people make mistakes.

It's part
of the human condition.

That's a good place to end
"Chicago This Week."

Please tune in next week for all
that's relevant, all that's Chicago,

all that's me.
Thank you, good night.

Hey.

Hey.

I was just
watching you.

It's ending.

- Can I come in?
- Yeah.

How was I?

Very handsome.

Want a drink?

- You came off as so serious.
- Yeah?

Serious is good?
That's a good thing, "serious"?

Yeah, absolutely.

- Hey.
- What?

Been out walking
by myself all night...

thinking about what
happened at the studio.

And you came by to tell
me that you're sorry

and that it's
a big mistake.

Is that it, Micky?

No.

No.

Good.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Am I interrupting something?
- No, no.

You guys having
a serious conversation?

No, I brought some
paperwork over, actually.

You're not gonna run
off to the bathroom again on us,

- are you, Milky?
- Micky.

- I said Micky.
- Listen, that thing the other night,

in your
bathroom, I just...

Even if you did come up
with something good,

- she wouldn't remember it.
- No, that's not true.

I remember everything.
Your boss beat his meat in our bathroom.

How can I possibly
forget that?

- She's drunk.
- I got to go.

I will never
forget that.

I shouldn't be here.

Hello?

- Hey.
- Hello.

Hey, Micky.
Hey, we just saw you on TV tonight.

You were
really serious.

Where's Bobby?

Bobby is with Tilda
at your mother's.

I sent him there
'cause we were painting.

I didn't think it was
very healthy for him.

What's this smell
in the air?

It's paint.

- Smells like pot.
- Oh, that smell. That is pot.

I thought he was talking
about the paint.

- I know!
- You smoked pot in here?

Yeah, Micky,
I still uh...

I got some left if you...
you want to get stoned?

So what, the two of you
just sat around here all night

smoking pot in our
living room?

No no,
we were working.

We were working
very hard.

Larry's crew only left
at, like, half-past 10:00.

Oh my God, how'd you get that welt
on your forehead?

Which welt,
this welt?

I ran my head into a tree
as a joke to Jake.

How's that a joke to Jake?
I don't get it.

Of course, you don't get it,
you're stoned.

How could you
get it?

I don't want
to talk about it.

Micky, you're not pissed,
are you, man?

No worries.
Everything is under control.

We're actually
ahead of schedule.

Why would
I be pissed?

I love to pay people
to tear my house to shit

and then rebuild it
as a dope den.

- You should go.
- I guess that means I should go.

Yes.

Unfortunately that is
exactly what it means.

Do you want to tell me
what that was about?

You're a mother.
You're a journalist.

It's the middle
of the night.

You're hanging out
with this stupid handyman

like you're some
kind of a kid.

- Oh, come on, I got stoned.
- What a con man!

"Way ahead of
schedule, Micky.

At this rate, I'll have her in the sack
by the weekend."

What are you
talking about?

What did you do
here all night

all alone with this guy?
What did you do, make out?

Oh, shame on you.

You want to fuck
this guy, don't you?

You do. How long's
that been going on?

You are way
off-base here.

If you want to be jealous of me
and Larry having a good time,

that's fine, I'll
let you go with that.

But the rest of this
is just over the top.

- You do. You want to fuck him.
- Oh!

I Just hope we get some kind of discount
on the remodel if you do.

The place still
reeks like pot.

What's going on?

Outside of this house,
what are you doing?

What are you
talking about?

Something's going on.
I am sure of it now.

You come in here accusing me like
you did last night

and it could only be because that's
what's going on inside your mind,

because it sure as hell
isn't going on inside mine.

There's nothing
going on inside my mind.

There isn't.

It's very quiet.

Then why have you been
so strange lately?

I haven't
been strange.

No, I haven't.
You've been strange.

You're the one...
I'd be surprised

if these smoke detectors
aren't permanently crippled.

The neighbor's probably
on the ground in a contact high

from all the pot
that was smoked in here last night.

You could have had
sex with that guy

and not even known
about it, okay?

Wow, am I
in a good mood today.

My wife's a sicko.

How did you get those two welts
on your forehead?

I don't want
to talk about it.

So, what is it?
What's making you so damn happy?

I opened my own
massage parlor

and we're doing
a bang-up business.

I'm not even gonna ask
what that means.

- Come on, ask me.
- I don't want to.

Go away.

I saw you on TV last night...
you and Sandy.

That is
a piece of ass.

She was talking
to me.

It was coming right
through the TV screen,

the message
she was sending.

Jake, do me a favor.
Don't ever, ever

watch
"Helter Skelter."

- I need her number.
- No, fuck off.

No, it's a professional contact.
You're not getting the number.

I'll get it
on my own.

Nice forehead.

Okay.

I'm gonna go out
for a little walk.

Oh, is it okay
that I gave Jake

Sandy Desmond's
phone number?

No.
Why did you do that?

Damn him.
Why'd you do that?

He easily could have gotten it himself.
It's her work number.

She's married.

Just don't give anyone
anyone's number

without checking
with me first, okay?

Okay, sorry.
Hey.

Lane's leaving
this weekend.

Excuse me?

My roommate Lane,
she's going out of town.

This weekend I thought we could get
together, have dinner or something?

Hey, I know you.
You're Micky Barnes.

My mother reads your column every day.
She loves it.

Your mother's a fan?
Okay.

You wrote
for the paper?

I'm a columnist.

How'd you get all those bruises
on your head?

I smashed my head
into a tree

and someone slammed
a door in my face.

So, what do
you folks do?

I work at the museum.
I'm studying archaeology.

We're getting married.
He just gave me this ring.

Wow, look at that.
That's great.

Good for you guys.

- What do you do?
- I work at the museum as well.

That's where
we met.

I came to work there
straight from London.

I'm a features writer.

And I was on
the city desk.

I put him
under my spell

within weeks of
arriving in Chicago.

Is that true?
Was it love at first sight?

Yeah, it is true. She was in love
with me in like five minutes.

It was a slam dunk.

So not true.
It wasn't love at first sight.

It did become
love, though.

Why is that? I'm curious, what was
it that you loved about each other?

Well, if we're being
honest, I liked her tits.

- Then I got to like the rest of her.
- Stop it.

He was sweet,
that's what it was.

He was sweet

and genuine.

He was nice,

and incredibly funny.

And I felt very
comfortable with him.

And how was she?

She was beautiful.

She was beautiful
and she was smart.

She was ambitious
and she was gutsy.

She came here all
by herself from London,

she didn't
know anybody.

It was perfect.

Simply perfect.

I can't wait to tell
my mother I met Micky Barnes.

It was nice
meeting you both.

It really was.

Congratulations.

Stay nice.

Missy?
Can I see you just for a minute?

Yeah.

Listen, I just want to say
that I'm sorry, okay?

I'm sorry about
everything, okay?

Everything I've been doing
and thinking since you got here.

I've been an ass,
and I was an ass last night.

It takes two to tango, Micky.
I'm at fault too.

No, it's not.
It's selfish lust, Missy,

and I have no interest in doing
anything honorable by you.

I'm sorry,
but that's the truth.

I'm looking out
for me and my dick and nothing else.

- Got it?
- So what are you saying?

I'm saying it's over.
It's over. It is.

No more sex talk,
no more lunches,

no more time alone,
I can't go to your apartment.

And by the way, that roommate
of yours needs to go to A.A.

That's just a little
parentheses there.

I mean it, Missy,
I'm trouble for you.

I'm just being honest.
I'm sorry. I'm an asshole.

This isn't gonna
happen anymore, okay?

Is that all?
Can I go?

Yes.

Okay, can I get duplicates
on that too, please?

Yeah.

Thank you.

# In a private room #

# The color all runs out #

# I'm golden brown #

# The smoke curls
in the air #

# And I can feel... #

Hey.

Sorry.

I am.
I'm really sorry.

There's so much I want
to say to you...

That's great,
it is.

But your apology
is not accepted.

# The crowds are
falling at our feet #

- # Three steps down... #
- Right now, it means nothing to me.

Absolutely nothing.

# So coming down #

# It's like water #

Okay, well...

Just gonna wait out here
for you to come back out

and apologize for not
accepting my apology.

I'm waiting.

Still waiting.

Take your time.

I understand.

I won't take it personal
'cause I know you're probably stoned.

I'll be patient. I know you're gonna
have the munchies eventually,

and I'm standing in-between you
and the refrigerator,

so time's
on my side.

You want me to
bring some water in?

I know you probably
have cotton mouth.

Better flush your stuff
down the toilet, honey,

the police are here.

I apologized and then
you didn't accept it,

in case you forgot
what it is I'm standing out here for.

I know the short-term
memory's not real good

with you right now.

Come on out.
Seriously.

Do a doobie with you?

All right, well,
I'm just gonna put some Pink Floyd on,

moon the neighbors.

Want to go to
the Ann Arbor Hash Bash?

You probably don't even
know what that is,

'cause you're from
England and all.

They don't smoke pot
in England, do they?

I'm going down to the store
to buy you a lava lamp, honey.

I'll be right back.

Stoner.