The Mind of the Married Man (2001–2002): Season 1, Episode 4 - Time on the Lake - full transcript

# My thoughts may stray #

# My eyes may roam #

# The neighbors' grass
may seem much greener #

# Than the grass
right here at home #

# If pretty girls excite me,
well, that's life #

# But just in case
you didn't know #

# I love my wife #

# If rosy lips invite me,
hey, that's life #

# But just in case
you couldn't guess #

# Or hadn't heard
or didn't know #

# I love my wife,
I love my wife #



# I love my wife. #

They do. Carol and Doug
go hunting.

- They shoot things.
- You sound surprised

that I like to go hunting
with my husband, Bianca.

It's just that I wouldn't have picked
Doug as the hunting type.

Had you pegged
as a wimp, Doug.

All these years
she's calling you a wimp.

Doug's a Michigan boy.
Soon as they can get that license

- they go out and shoot up a deer.
- You're damn right.

Wait a minute, Carol,
you go too?

You're into this,
killing all these innocent animals?

That is such bullshit. It is propaganda
put out by those animal rights people.

They're not innocent.
They're murdering,

thieving, drug-addicted deer,
and they deserve to be shot.



The game commission knows
what the population is

and the season is just long enough
to keep the numbers down.

Besides, Bianca,
it is very sexy.

Something happens to me
when I see my husband shoot a deer.

Then I do a little gaming
of my own that night in the tent.

Sometimes I even
clean his gun.

Look at you, trying to talk the single
folks into how hot marriage is.

Is this true, Dougie? You two get crazy
out there in them woods?

Hey, you should try it.

It's a lot better
than antiquing.

Wait a minute,
you mean to tell me

- Jake is into antiquing?
- Don't we have to go to the theater?

Whoa, kids,
don't knock antiquing.

I happen to get very hot when Jake
gets a good price

on an old dining-room set.
You should see us.

Jake makes us dress down so they don't
see the dumb yuppie couple coming

so they can jack up
the prices.

The only thing is all the guys
that run these shows

are actually city yuppies
dressed down to look like farmers.

What about you two?
What do you guys do for fun?

We make sport of our friends' habits.
We invite couples over,

we get them to open up
about what they do for recreation...

And then we tease them mercilessly
for the rest of their natural lives.

- Right.
- Thank you.

It's true, that's why
you people are here tonight.

Watch this. Kevin, what do you like
to do in your free time?

Doesn't want to say.
He's on a first date.

He's afraid
to say too much.

Right, right.

Seriously, Micky,
you spend all this time

with your mates at the bar,
but when it comes to being with me,

it's always this big chore.
We're the only one of our friends

- that doesn't have a hobby.
- We have hobbies.

Like?

We go to movies,

plays, we read
the paper,

take care of Bobby.
There are things we do together.

You clean the pimples on my back.
You enjoy that.

- That's a hobby.
- All I'm saying is that we could stand

to get a little more active
with the stuff that we do together.

I've been in Chicago
for eight years.

I have never once
been on the lake.

Would it be so bad
for us to go...

- antiquing sometime?
- Antiquing?

That's what you'd want to do?
You'd want to go antiquing?

- I don't know, I've never tried it.
- I have a friend,

him and his wife
went antiquing,

they brought home
this big antique thingy.

You know what
they found out?

- Yeah, it was worth a fortune.
- No.

It had mold.

Okay? The kid was
sick for months.

They finally figured
out what it was.

It was the mold.

Look at you, you just
make this stuff up.

Where did you think of these things?
You're insane.

- You should be ashamed of yourself.
- No, you're right.

It wasn't mold.
It was paint chips.

Lead paint chips
fell off the thing,

the kid picked it up, ate it,
had the shits for months.

Poor little kid just shittin' everywhere
around the house.

Just constantly,
24 hours a day.

Little shit droppings
everywhere, okay?

But if you want that,
we'll go

and we'll get
some antiques

and we'll let
the shit-a-thon begin, okay?

Okay, I've been
hammered long enough.

I'm just
an old city desk guy.

You people run
the entertainment section.

If you think you need
an internet column,

then do it.
But personally...

I think you can handle it
with a series of articles.

Do it your way.

Now, let's talk about that "Year Ahead
in Movies" section that you want to do.

Now I personally think
a piece like that

would only fly out there
with the movie-prone

sissy-type shitbags
in Los Angeles.

But other than that,
I have no opinion,

so go ahead and do it
if you want to.

Now, aren't things better when we treat
each other nicely?

Look at all this stuff,
I love shopping.

We, my friend,
are preferred customers.

Yes, we is.

You don't think there's
another level, do you?

Like a pre-presale

for preferred
preferred customers?

Why would you say that?
There better not be.

If there is, I wanna
be on that list.

I'll go back, get that
sports jacket for Micky.

Just take him
at night after work.

Please! I can't take him shopping.
He acts like a nine-year-old.

You'd have thought I'd taken him
to a castration ward.

Yeah, but there is something fun
about dragging the Doug along.

I know. Sometimes I'll take a peek
out of the dressing room

just to watch Micky
holding my purse.

He's so sweet, but he does look
wonderfully stupid.

Do you think it's bad
we don't have any hobbies?

I don't know about
you and Micky,

but Doug and I would go nuts
without our hobbies.

And it's a great way
to spend time together.

Oh my God, do you guys see
what just came in the bar?

- Gorgeous.
- That is un-fucking-believable.

- Yeah. She's perfect.
- Oh, man!

That is the
hottest woman

I've ever seen
in my life.

You rarely see women like that in
person... like not in the catalog.

You want to know something?
As hot as she is,

I guarantee you somewhere there's a guy
that's tired of fucking her.

- Guarantee it.
- That's sad.

Maybe, it's sad, but it's true.
It's a fact of life.

Even if he's still
fucking her... tired of it.

Think that's true?
Or is that just something

men have sold themselves on
so they feel better about themselves

and their inability to get
a woman like that?

Murphy just came in.

Look, he's going
over to her.

Look at that.
Oh no, you gotta be kidding me.

That guy's got
a lot of balls.

- Oh my God.
- You know what? That's his wife.

I heard Murphy had this great-Iooking
wife. That's his wife.

You've gotta be kidding me.
That's Murphy's wife?

- Good for Murphy.
- Good for him? Good for us.

- Now we find out if it's true.
- Find out if what's true?

If there's a guy
that's tired of fucking her.

What are you gonna do,
walk down there

and ask Murphy if he's tired of fucking his
wife? None of us know him that well.

Excuse me, Jimmy Olsen,
I thought you guys were reporters.

I guarantee if one of you guys
cracks this riddle,

you got yourself
a Pulitzer Prize.

Quit fooling
around, Ed!

Great dinner, honey.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, I was good and hungry too.

- Service is my middle name.
- Well done.

No price will
be refused at Honest Ed's!

- Stop.
- Come on, the cartoons are on.

They don't even
know we're here.

Stop.

Daddy, if you took
your cheek off,

- what would be under there?
- What?

Cheek.

I don't know,
that's a good question.

I guess bones and muscle.
I'm not really sure.

But I know
a guy at the paper

who's a cheek expert.
I can ask him.

- Thanks.
- You got it.

Hey, any of you boys
try Viagra yet?

Not me,
don't need it yet.

Me either.
I stick with new pussy, God's Viagra.

- I've used it, it's good.
- It's more than good, it's great.

I don't need it either,
but, man, I love that stuff.

- Really, it's good?
- Fucking unbelievable.

Especially the first time.
It's like strapping on a jet pack.

You're bouncing off the walls until you
can figure out how to steer the fucker.

But once you got it
figured out, it's amazing.

I keep my Viagra in my nightstand
right next to my gun.

If I got my gun
and I got my Viagra,

I know nothing's gonna come up in the
middle of the night that I can't handle.

What?

Oh! How about you,
Murphy?

Ever use any chemicals
to brighten the bedroom?

I make it a point
not to talk to anyone

about my wife, our sex life
or any issue pertaining to it.

Gotta keep it pure.

Good game.

Yeah. Good game.

- Shit, that didn't go well.
- Nice going there, newsboy.

What about Jake?
He knows that guy, doesn't he?

That's a good idea.
We should sic Jake on him.

Jake has people skills.

Dingle dick, I need you
in my office now!

I'll call you back.

"I find the conduct of your
entertainment columnist

less than entertaining.
He's in the habit of poking his married

and curiously crooked penis
into the loins

of unsuspecting
fellow employees.

I imagine the readers
of this paper

would find this behavior
as disappointing as had

the recipients of his skinny
and uneventful cock.

Regards,
Concerned Party."

Well written.

- Randall, I can explain this.
- I don't want you to.

I want you
to make it go away.

- You got it?
- Got it.

- Can I talk to you?
- I'm really busy.

You're too busy
to have a conversation?

- I have a deadline.
- Stop, I need to talk.

I really can't stop right now.
I gotta go to the third floor.

I need to talk to you
about your letter to the editor.

What are you talking about?

This is crazy, this is insane
and you can't do this.

Jake, I think you need
to grow up just a bit.

- I don't need to grow up.
- Yeah.

No, I don't,
because I am a grownup.

I'm good and goddamn
grown up!

Jake, I got that diagram of the face
and cheek muscles you wanted.

I hope your kid
likes it.

Thank you.

"Don't bore me
with allegations of voter fraud.

This city's first election
was held in a saloon

and when the ballots
were counted,

there were more
votes than residents."

- Does it make sense?
- Yes.

Good, add it
to the draft.

It's good.
It's great writing.

Let me ask you a question.
Do you and your boyfriend have hobbies?

No.

I used to be his hobby
and he used to be mine.

But now I come home,
he comes over,

he goes right to the football
and I go into the bathroom,

get into the tub and take the warm-water
expressway to heaven.

That's my hobby.

Hey, why is it that you feel
comfortable talking to me

about this kind of stuff?
I'm just curious.

You tell me all your
goofy weird stuff

with porno
and things like that.

I apologize if I've
crossed over the line.

- Well, you have.
- Oh.

I just don't necessarily
want you to stop.

I didn't think so.

- You okay?
- Yeah yeah.

You're standing there
with the oddest look on your face.

What are you
thinking about?

I was thinking about a column
I'm gonna write.

I don't know what
you were thinking about,

but you sure as hell weren't thinking
about some fucking column.

You sure you're okay?

No. No, I'm not
at all okay.

# Golden brown,
texture like sun #

# Lays me down,
with my mind she runs #

# Throughout the night #

# No need to fight #

# Never a frown
with golden brown #

# Every time
just like the last #

# On the ship,
tied to the mast #

# To distant lands,
takes both my hands #

# Never a frown
with golden brown #

# Golden brown,
finer temptress #

# Through the ages
she's heading west #

# From far away,
stays for a day #

# Never a frown
with golden brown. #

What did you say
your name was again?

Doug. Doug Nelson.

You're tense today,
Doug Nelson. Hard.

Like rubbing back
of dump truck or something.

My wife.

No matter how close we are,
she always wants to be closer.

No matter how much time
we spend together,

she always wants
to spend more.

It's never enough.

Maybe it is not such
a bad thing, Doug.

What is it
with us guys?

Why is it so hard to spend
time with our wives?

I can spend hours and hours
with my buddies,

but it's so hard
for me just to...

be with her.

We're trying to have
a second kid together.

You'd think I would want to spend
more time with her.

Doug...

women different
from men.

You win
a woman's heart...

you have her whole body,
her whole soul.

You win man's heart,

you're lucky to get
arm and a leg.

I know. I know,
that's my point.

But what do I do
if she wants me

to give her something
that I don't have?

What do I do then?

You want happy ending
today, Doug?

No. No, no actually.
No, I don't.

Doug, I give you
happy ending.

No, that's okay, thank you.
Thank you. I want one, I really do.

I just... I just...
I actually... okay.

Okay, I'm just gonna
have a regular massage, okay?

Okay. Thank you,
thank you.

- How you doing?
- Hi.

I need
a couple rifles.

I need a couple rifles
and probably...

I need
some bullets too.

What kind of rifles?

I don't know.
Big ones, hunting ones.

What are you hunting?

- Deer.
- Deer season's over.

Okay. Ducks.

What kind of duck
are you hunting?

I don't know really.

I'm just gonna go north
and hunt ducks.

North for duck
this time of year?

- No?
- Huh-uh.

Okay, can I be honest?
I'm just looking to quiet my wife down.

I don't care what kind
of rifles you give me.

I just want to take her into the woods,
I don't want to get all muddy,

I want to get in and I want to get
the hell out and go home.

So whatever you got is good.
I'm happy.

Let me just get
my manager.

Honey?

Hey. Couple rifles,
a little duck hunting.

Hang on, Mom,
I'll ring you back.

Sorry, who's going
duck hunting?

You and I as a hobby.
You wanted a hobby,

we'll do
a little duck hunting.

The hell we will. This is bullshit!
Get rid of these things.

I don't want them
in the house.

You got these knowing I wouldn't
want to go duck hunting.

How would I know that?
All the time you spent telling me

about when you used to go hunting with
your dad when you were a kid in Spain.

Yeah, I told you I hated it.
You just don't listen.

Well, pardon me for not remembering
every little detail.

Hunting is supposed
to be very sexual.

Remember what
Carol said?

This is more of your games.
Just get rid of these things!

Come on.
Don't be that way.

I will be that way, Micky.
You hate the outdoors.

Your idea of roughing it
is a Marriott.

This is about you
being able to say

that I don't want to do the things
that you want to do,

and so now you can go
hang out at the bar

with your buddies,
guilt free.

- That's not true!
- Yes, it is!

- It isn't!
- Get those things out of the house!

Fine, fine.
But in my next life,

I'm coming back
as a husband that takes a lot less shit.

Better still,
come back smarter.

I come back smarter, I'm not so sure
I'm getting married again.

That wasn't nice,
I shouldn't have said it,

I take it back,
and I'm sorry.

Mmm.

Sit down,
dinner's ready.

Okay, be right there.

Isn't this place great?

Look at this stuff, Mick,
it's wonderful.

- You love it?
- Yeah.

- Good, because I love you.
- I love you too.

Wow, look at these.
These are fantastic.

I love that smell.
Is this old? Must be.

Very old,
Revolutionary War.

Oh, you had
to bring that up?

She's British,
she'll be cranky for weeks.

Stupid. Look at this.
This is great.

This...
and it's giant.

I wonder if it'll fit my long dresses.
Will you get in?

- Get in?
- Yeah.

No, I stopped modeling
furniture in my teens.

- It made me anorexic.
- No, go on, get in.

I just want to see the size.
Go on.

Come on, it's not funny.
Open the door.

Come on.
Donna, come on, open the door.

Come on, open the door.
Donna!

Donna!

What the fuck
are you doing?!

As usual,
awesome dinner, Mama.

Thank you, baby.
I just have to finish this proposal

for work
and then we can...

what are you doing?
I thought we were gonna watch a DVD.

I gotta get over to the bar.
I need to do a favor

- for Micky and his buddies.
- What are you talking about?

- You've been out every night this week.
- I know, but I promised.

- What is it? What's the favor?
- It's nothing.

Okay, if it's nothing,
then tell me.

- It's nothing, I gotta go.
- Jake...

Bee, It's nothing,
I'm doing the guys a favor.

All right. It's ridiculous.
I don't expect you to understand,

but they want me to talk
to this guy Murphy for them.

About what?

It's crazy, but they
want me to get him to say

whether or not he's
still fucking his wife.

You are so
full of shit.

Look me in the eye,
I'm telling you the truth.

- And then you're gonna come right home?
- Yes, right home.

It's not a problem.
Okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.

Bye.

I'm feeling the heat.

Now, Murphy,
I'm feeling heat.

Feeling heat?
You feeling heat at home? What?

Not at home yet. I mean, it could
reach the home, this heat.

I just...

I just played
the wrong hand...

with a lady.

You fuck around
on your wife a lot?

I guess.
What's a lot?

More than Billy Graham,
less than Jessie Jackson?

The fact is it's something's always
been going on, hasn't it?

- Don't men always fuck around?
- Not always, no.

- Not all guys.
- Yeah, sure. Men are men,

they get bored,
they want to play.

At least the ones
that are honest.

Maybe.

- Do you?
- Do I what?

Fuck around?
You ever fuck around?

I don't... you know what?
I don't talk about that stuff.

I don't talk about me and my wife
or any of that.

That's such bullshit.
I just opened up to you.

What's the secret?
You got some wisdom, let's hear it.

I thought you were my friend.

This has nothing to do
with being friends.

- I just don't talk about that stuff.
- Don't be such a girl.

Fuck you, Murphy.

- Don't even talk to me.
- Okay, you know what?

Not once in 12 years.
And don't let that out.

Let's keep that
between me and you.

- Bullshit.
- Bullshit!

I'm not kidding, she still gets me
hot and turned on.

Every day,
three or four times a day

if she'd let me,
and it has not diminished.

You must work
at it, huh?

Role-playing?
Watch porn together? What do you do?

Nothing.
What can I say?

She's just... every time
I see her, I want her clothes off.

Every chance I get,
I would love to just jump her bones.

The other day, I come home
and she's vacuuming...

All right,
I get it, I get it, I get it, Murphy.

But that's just it,
I don't get it.

You guys running around here,
looking for strange,

and me,
I don't like strange.

I get into bed,
I want familiar.

- Later, Murph.
- I'll talk to you.

Look who's here.
So, was I right?

I was right, wasn't I?
Did he give in?

He's tired
of fucking her, isn't he?

Yeah, you were right, Slayton.
He hardly ever touches her.

In fact, I think
he may be impotent.

He's not impotent.
What's the matter with you?

It's a fact of life.
No matter how hot a broad is

somewhere there's a guy
out there tired of fucking her.

You did good, Jakey boy.
You did good.

Come on,
it's your shot.

Want to play next game?

No. I'm going home.

- Ladies.
- Take it easy, Jake.

Go back to
the beginning.

What did you do
when you first met?

Bianca and I met
at an antique show.

We both worked at the paper.
We didn't do anything.

We went to the movies
and we screwed. We humped.

She was just great
to hang with. What's that?

Meat loaf.

Your wife sends you
to work with meat loaf?

That is so gay.

She's not really looking
for a hobby anyways, Mick.

You want to know
what she's looking for?

She's looking for time
when you're with her

and she knows that
there's no place else

you'd rather be
during that time.

That's all
she's looking for.

That's not true.
You should have heard her.

She gave me this whole speech
about all the time

she's been in Chicago
and she's never been on the lake.

Lake's still there.
It's not over yet.

I'm just curious,

do you ever get tired of us doing
all of your thinking?

# Oogum, oogum, boogum, boogum,
boogum, now baby, you're casting... #

Hi. I want to charter
one of these boats here?

Sure.

# I say oogum, oogum,
boogum, boogum, boogum... #

Wow, look at this.
This is wonderful.

- Do you know how to sail it?
- Honestly?

- Yeah.
- You and I go out on this thing,

we're never
coming back.

But here's what I'm thinking.
We'll start slowly.

We'll sit on the deck,
we'll have sandwiches,

I'll tell you some jokes,
we have a good time,

we'll come back,
we'll take sailing lessons.

Is there a cabin?

Yes, there's a cabin,
one-track mind.

- Come on, get on.
- # You wear that cute miniskirt #

# With your brother's
sloppy shirt #

# Huh! I admit, girl #

# That I can dig it, and I says oogum,
oogum, boogum, boogum, boogum. #

Okay, here we go, babe,
couple of boaters!

Oh Jesus!
My first big sailing accident.

- Wow!
- Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay.
Hey, this is lame, okay?

I know it. It's lame,
but you know what?

It's a start
and I love you.

Oh, it's not lame
at all.

It is, it's lame. But you know what
I was thinking we could do

- for our next stab at a hobby?
- Mm-hmm?

- Bowling. Bowling.
- Think again.

Okay, what about this?

Maybe we could collect
little glass rabbits.

Would you want to be one of those ladies
that collects glass rabbits?

Glass rabbits?
Shoot me first.

Okay,
but know this...

any hobby you come up with...
any hobby... I will do, okay?

- Anything?
- Anything.

I just want you to know that.
Anything, okay?

How about yodeling?
I want us to be

one of those couples
that yodel together.

Those couples don't exist.
That's the problem.

They do. They absolutely do,
I did a piece on them once.

They have great, great sex.
Yodeling gets you very hot.

Okay, yodel,
see if I get hard.

I'm not gonna yodel
to get your dick hard.

I'll do plenty of other things,
but I'm not gonna yodel.

Okay, then I'll yodel.

Oh, yodel-ay-he-hoo!

Wow!
Serious echo.

- You asshole.
- I am an asshole.

You're stuck on
the high seas with me.

You okay?

- Yeah, I'm good, very good.
- # And I said I want you #

# To want me #

# And I want you
to need me... #

I love you, Micky.

# 'Cause everybody wants
to feel needed sometime... #

So, it was good.

We had fun.

We're never going
sailing again,

- but we had a good time.
- Sex?

Well, put it this way...

I had lumps all over
the back of my head.

Put it another way,
one that we'll understand.

Yes. Good sex.

I don't want to
talk about it though.

Got to keep it pure.

That means it was once,
once the whole weekend.

Once?
The whole weekend?

- Yeah.
- No shit.

- We read and stuff, it was good.
- Sounds good.

Not to me. If I take a babe
away for the weekend,

I have to hit that ass
at least six to 10 times

or she better have a credit card
to split the expenses when we check out.

That's because you're talking
about a single weekend,

I'm talking about
a married weekend.

Try reading a book with one
of these women you go out with.

Try being married
to the same woman 10 years,

you take her away
for the weekend

and you tell me how many
times you hit that ass.

Being single is sprinting,
anyone can sprint.

Being married's running
a fucking marathon, am I right?

- You're right, sir.
- Absolutely.

Do me a favor, Kevin.

# And I said
I want you... #

Don't mess
with my hobbies.

# To want me,
and I want you... #

I think you touched
a nerve there, junior.

Do you think he was upset
because I can hit ass

six to 10 times
in one weekend

or because I don't read with them
when I'm finished?

You can fuck six to 10 times
in one weekend?

- You can read?
- You know what?

I've got to quit hanging out
with married guys.

# Has the game changed? #

# Have the rules changed? #

# And as
we're getting older #

# Is it getting colder? #

# If you know...
well, if you know now #

# Won't you tell me? #

# Summer's comin' soon #

# My heart's
been growing wild #

# I can walk
without a planned end #

# I walk
just like a child #

# So go speed
to somewhere #

# The world
you can't control. #