The Mind of the Married Man (2001–2002): Season 1, Episode 5 - Anywhere, Anytime - full transcript

# My thoughts may stray #

# My eyes may roam #

# The neighbors' grass
may seem much greener #

# Than the grass
right here at home #

# If pretty girls excite me,
well, that's life #

# But just in case
you didn't know #

# I love my wife #

# If rosy lips invite me,
hey, that's life #

# But just in case
you couldn't guess #

# Or hadn't heard
or didn't know #

# I love my wife,
I love my wife #



# I love my wife. #

So, what's
your problem?

- Who says I have a problem?
- You always have one.

What are you
talking about?

Some guys need to bungee-jump
to know they're alive.

You, you need
your problems.

Yesterday, Bobby scraped
his forehead on a coffee table.

- Is it serious?
- No, he's gonna be okay.

But Donna's mad at me
because she couldn't get ahold of me.

- Where were you?
- Where was I?

I was at your
massage parlor, asshole.

So, now it's my
massage parlor.

It is when it comes to me lying
to Donna about being there.

Anyway, I have nothing to feel bad
about. I'm getting a massage.



- Everyone gets massages.
- Exactly.

Last year at Club Med,
Donna got one twice a day.

Who's getting what
twice a day?

- No one.
- Okay.

So, Jake,

what's the story
with you and Ilene?

She sent Randall
a psycho letter.

You know how Randall is.
For every one letter to the editor,

he thinks there's 30 more people
out there with the same opinion.

Ilene sent Randall
a letter?

That's trouble.
Big trouble.

I got a sit-down scheduled with her
first thing this morning.

I'm gonna set
her straight.

See, this is why
I don't cross the line.

What happens if Sachiko
decides one day

out of nowhere
to drop Donna a letter?

It's not a problem
if she writes in Japanese.

Okay, I got the fix
for this one.

If she does send
a letter,

I tell Donna it's addressed
to a former occupant

sent by a wacko
Japanese masseuse

who's been hiding in the woods
since the end of World War Il...

doesn't know
the war's over.

It's a long way to go.
Think she'll buy it?

- Depends how I sell it.
- Always does.

- She's waiting for you.
- Okay, great.

- Monica.
- Hey, baby.

- Shit, I forgot I have a meeting.
- Not to worry.

- I'll do a quickie.
- No no no no no.

I'd love to,
but I can't.

Not today, because
I have this meeting...

I'm sorry, I'll still
take care of you,

but you have to get
out of here now.

Hey, one less time
I have to reapply my lipstick.

- Hi.
- Okay.

Thank you so much
for adjusting my computer.

That damn thing
is always acting up.

Some systems
are like that.

- Come in.
- Jake, Jake.

Your wife's
on line two.

You must think
I'm a fucking idiot.

Cute.

I have a present
for you.

What's that?

Oh, look at that...
a pager.

What happened with Bobby
could've been a lot worse.

Yeah, I know.
I know, I know.

But I told you,
babe, I just...

I was busy.

I have to be able to get hold of you,
hon, no matter where you are.

I know, I know, you're right.
I've just...

been running around
a lot lately.

So, where were
you yesterday?

How'd I know that was gonna
be your next question?

I should be a mind-reader
or something.

You gonna tell me
where you were?

I was at the movies.
I went to the movies.

- You went to the movies?
- Yeah.

You never go to the movies.
Not on your own.

- Not in the middle of the day.
- I know, I know. But I had a...

you know, I had
like writer's block.

I was trying to come up
with this idea for a column,

so I went out
walking around

and I kind of just ducked
into a movie theater

and watched a movie.
It was...

You should have seen me,
I was... I was tragically sad.

I was one beat shy
of the guy sitting alone

with the raincoat
on his lap.

You would've loved it.

So, Missy wasn't
with you?

She didn't go
to the movies as well?

Missy?

No, why would you
ask that?

I called at your office,
she didn't pick up.

- She didn't pick up?
- No.

Oh, she went to the dentist.
She went to the dentist.

She was with her
boyfriend Gunner.

He took her
to the dentist

and I couldn't get
ahold of her myself.

I should probably
give her this pager.

- I wouldn't.
- I was kidding,

actually.

Let me see that owie.

Yeah, that owie almost
got Daddy a bigger owie.

Yeah!

Look at you!
Yeah.

So, what was
the movie you saw?

What?

I don't know.
l...

- You don't know?
- l...

How could you not know
what movie you saw?

This is beginning to sound
like an interrogation,

this whole thing.

You went to see
a porn movie, didn't you?

No, I didn't go
see a porn movie.

Don't start with
the porn thing.

Then why are you
acting so defensive?

You want to know
what movie I saw?

"Double Indemnity."

I saw "Double Indemnity."
"Double Indemnity."

- The old '40s movie?
- Yes.

I thought you
hated old movies.

Okay,
where's the pager?

Where's... where's
your little pager?

Here we go,
right here.

Got the pager,
it's on.

That way in the middle
of the night if you need me,

and you don't want to actually
reach over and tap me, you can page me.

Very funny.

I know, I am funny.
I'm a comical bloke.

- Good night.
- Good night.

"Writer's block?"

That's the best
you could come up with?

- That's very lame, my friend.
- You know what that is?

It's a fucking LoJack,
that's what that is.

See, man,
there's the difference.

If it had been me,
I would have just said,

"No. Sorry, baby.

It's a no-go
on the page-ario."

That's how I'm gonna
deal with my wife.

Oh, man, I can't wait for
this one to take the fall.

I'm telling you, God's got a whole
new brand of pain

waitin' for this
motherfucker.

What's she
gonna do next?

Rig a video camera
to my head?

That way she can keep
track of me 24 hours a day.

She's gonna be watching
my every move, videotaping it.

It's not gonna happen
and I'll tell you what,

I'm telling her I'm not gonna wear
this pager, no way.

I just don't understand
why Donna couldn't find you.

- Where were you?
- I was out.

- With Missy?
- No, I wasn't with Missy.

- Cut me some slack, will you, Doug?
- Then where were you?

I was at a massage
parlor, okay?

You went to
a massage parlor?

For a massage.

Sad, but true.

Then it's obvious why you
didn't want to tell Donna.

- Why is it obvious?
- Micky,

the real reason
you didn't want to wear that pager

is because you're
thinking about cheating.

I haven't cheated, Doug.
Don't say that.

- Don't say I've cheated.
- Not yet, not yet.

But you go to the barber shop
enough times, eventually...

- you're gonna get a haircut.
- Oh, bullshit.

I mean, even if he winds up getting
a hand job, so what?

- A hand job's not cheating.
- I didn't get a hand job.

- Whatever.
- Doesn't matter.

- Just wanting one, that's cheating.
- Oh, please.

Now, wait a minute,
Doug, that's bullshit.

He's got to do something
for it to be cheating.

What about cyber sex?
Does cyber sex count?

Hell, no. That's just keeping up
with technology.

Wait, wait.
Hold on there, girls.

The only thing that counts
is when the skin bus

takes a drive into
tuna town, okay?

Hand job's not even
close, case closed.

- Oh, no?
- No.

Okay, what would
you say if your wife

paid some guy 50 bucks
to finger her?

If it was your wife,
I'd tell him to wash his finger.

If it was your wife,
I'd tell him to cut it off.

Okay, I need you
to find out where the movie

"Double Indemnity"
is playing.

I read somewhere that
it's at a revival house.

- Are you gonna go see a movie?
- No.

I went to a movie
the day before yesterday.

I need to know
where it was playing.

If you went the day before yesterday,
why do you need to know?

I just do, okay?

By the way, on that day,
you went to the dentist

with your boyfriend Gunner.
Thank you.

I don't have a boyfriend Gunner.
We broke up last week.

And about the dentist, my appointment's
on Friday. Remember I told you that?

I know.
That's changed. Donna called.

I was out.
You didn't pick up.

I didn't want her to think something
was going on,

So you went to the dentist
with your boyfriend Gunner.

So do me a favor,
break up next week.

Why did you say that?
I don't get it.

I don't know, Missy.

I just did, okay?

I shouldn't have.
I lied.

- Okay.
- Okay.

So, l...
I went to the dentist,

you went to the movies

and I'm not breaking up
with Gunner until next week.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

Oh, Jeez.

Where's the volume control
for this thing?

You don't have to use
the beeper setting.

Hold on. Let me see.
I'm good at this.

Hold on, relax.

Let it go.
I got it. Hold on.

Imagine getting
paged by your wife

five times a day
with that shit?

Wait, wait, I'm really
good at this.

Ah...

Now it should vibrate.

- Oh God, but not that loud!
- That's it.

I'm just gonna
get a gun and shoot this thing.

Wait, wait,
wait, wait.

Randall, hi.

Hey, hi.

l...

getting paged
by my wife.

So, what are you
gonna do about Ilene?

I don't know.
She's obsessed.

Says she doesn't want
to see another woman get hurt,

and then she's threatening
to go see Bianca.

See, what'd I tell you?
Never trust a big butt and a smile.

I think we can fix this. I'll get her
off your back. Let me fuck her.

- I know a guy that would do her.
- Didn't I just offer that?

Yeah, but this guy's
supposed to be really good.

Why don't you threaten to tell Randall
that she's the one writing the letters?

- Just divorce her.
- She's not my wife.

Divorce your wife,
divorce somebody

and let's just shoot
some fuckin' pool.

Enough of the extramarital
women woes.

I have the fix.
Can I have a fix for a change?

- Yes, sir.
- Take her out for a romantic dinner.

Take her to
the Knickerbocker Hotel.

Take her up to the room
and you very nicely

fuck the living shit out of her
till she drops from exhaustion.

When she falls asleep,
we come in very gently,

we put her in a crate
and ship her ass to Alaska.

That way, when she
wakes up and realizes

she's the hottest chick
on the tundra,

- she'll be thrilled.
- Absolutely.

She wakes up,
she's a goddess.

She's the queen
of Alaska.

She never wants to leave.
She's out of your hair.

Your wife will never know she existed.
Everyone wins.

- You guys having fun?
- Yeah.

At your expense,
why wouldn't we be?

Busting your balls?
I could do this all night.

# Well,
she's so small #

# She can fumble
in a big ole boot #

# Now, flip, flop
and fly #

# I don't care if I die #

# Flip, flop, and fly #

# I don't care
if I die... #

Oh, hi. Sorry.

I was here a few days ago
to see "Double Indemnity"

and I lost my ticket stub
and I need it.

You cheated on your wife
and now you need an alibi.

What?
No, no, l...

I saw the movie.
I lost my ticket stub.

I need it
for tax purposes.

I'm getting audited
by the I.R.S.

Go ahead.
Knock yourself out.

I'm getting audited.

So what was
the movie about?

She'll ask,
you know?

No, she's not gonna ask.
She won't ask.

I would.

She's not gonna ask.

I'm telling you,
I would.

I got it.
Thank you.

So, what's
"Double Indemnity" about?

How does it end?

How does it end?
I don't know.

Why not?

We gonna do this again?

C'mon, I told you.

I had writer's block,
I went to the movies.

I came up like
halfway through

with an idea
for a column...

and I left.

Oh, you did?
What's the column about?

Insurance.

Insurance.
I have this idea

of how the insurance
rates go up

when the murder
rates go up.

I went and told Randall
and he went nuts for it.

He was like gushing.

He told me to write
it right away,

said it was going
to be my lead column next week.

That's a shit idea.
Don't write it, 'cause I won't run it.

No, no, you have to run it.
You have to run it.

I was hoping you would make it
my lead column next week.

No, I'm telling you I won't run it.
It's no good.

It is good.
It is.

It's good.
It's gonna be an incredible piece.

It's all in the execution.
It's got everything.

It's got insurance
and movies and murders.

I ran it by Roger Ebert
at "The Sun Times."

He got tears in his eyes.

He actually had to sit down,
he was out of breath.

You're kind of on the bullshit train
these days, aren't you?

- No.
- Yes, you are.

And I don't trust a word that's coming
out of your mouth lately.

I know you.
Know why?

'Cause I knew myself.

I'm not following you.

You know, lying to your wife,
catting around on her,

you run the risk
of destroying

the only good thing
in your life.

Believe me, I know
from experience.

You fooled around
on Eleanor?

Did for a while.

Right up to the time
she got diagnosed.

She confronted me
about this girl I was seeing.

She got real quiet.

She didn't have to say anything,
'cause I could see it in her eyes.

The guy she thought
she had married and loved

had disappeared.

She never looked at me
the same way again.

It's been 12 years
since she died

and there's not
a day that goes by

that I wouldn't
give my right nut

to have that last year
and a half back again.

Randall, listen...

Don't say anything.
You'll spoil the moment.

Just be a stand-up guy.

This place is running
real short on them.

Okay.

Sun, surf and Johnny.

I'll get it.

I got it.

- Hello?
- Is Bianca in?

What do you think
you're doing?

I'd like to speak
to the lady of the house.

No, thank you.
We're not interested.

Sales call.

I'll do that, I'll do that.
Just get 'em to bed.

- Bedtime, let's go.
- Aw, c'mon, Mom.

- Bedtime, bedtime.
- No, you finish it tomorrow.

Give me a kiss.
Night, sweetie. Night.

Oh, hi. I'm here
to speak to Bianca.

Will you get
her for me?

You can't be here.
You have to leave.

- After I talk to Bianca.
- Jake?

- Oh, good, she's home.
- Who is it, honey?

It's someone
from work.

Can't we just sit down
and talk this through?

Why would I do that?

You're a liar.
I'm here to talk to Bianca.

Can you get out
of my way?

There's a coffee shop
on the corner.

Give me five minutes of your time.
That's all I'm asking for.

Then if you still want to tell Bianca,
she'll still be here.

Please, Ilene.

I'm begging you,
Ilene.

Two minutes.

Time starts now.

- Everything okay?
- Yeah, it's fine.

- Who was it?
- Just a new reporter.

He's got writer's block
and he's all in a panic.

- Jake, it's late.
- Tell me about it.

They don't pay me enough
for babysitting these rookies.

I won't be long.

Okay, talk.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, now you are.
Now that I'm about to tell your wife.

No, honestly, I was sorry
the other morning.

I wanted to tell you
how sorry I was.

And then my computer
consultant showed up.

Your call girl.
That was very classy.

Do you honestly
think that I did that to be cruel?

I'm not cruel
and I'm not dumb.

Of course, you'd want
to tell my wife.

Do you think I just fall for any guy
that comes along?

- Is that it?
- No, of course not.

Look, I'm sincerely sorry.
I am.

I misread you.

I thought you wanted a fling,
no attachments.

I should have stopped
to think.

I should have been more sensitive
to your feelings.

It's a little bit past
that point now, isn't it?

Yeah, and that's too bad,
because I really liked you.

- That's bullshit.
- That is not bullshit.

And that's why I stopped
it before it got weird.

Look, Ilene,

I can fool around with the same hooker
for years, no problem.

With you, I could have
had feelings.

You and I could have
ended up in trouble.

Are you finished?

You really want
to tell my wife?

The other day you said
you wanted to tell her

because you didn't want
to see another woman get hurt.

Well, don't you think
this will hurt her?

It will. It will
devastate her.

I am not crying
for you, Jake...

or what we had.

I'm crying for what
it says about me.

You are a sexy, smart,
successful girl.

Who latches on
to a married guy.

That's pathetic.

I'm not going
to tell your wife.

You can fuck up
your marriage on your own.

Because you will.

You not feel well
today, Mr. Doug?

Ahh, yeah, no,
I just got a lot on my mind, you know?

Just got so much
on my mind.

Happy ending
take a lot off your mind.

You want happy ending
this time?

No, no, I do,
but, no, I just...

How about
half a happy?

Do you give
a half a happy?

What is half happy?

It's where you rub it
a little bit

and make it think
it's happy.

Okay.

Oh!
No, no, actually, I was kidding.

I was kidding.

I was kidding.
You know what?

Just a regular
massage, okay?

- Just a regular massage.
- Okay.

Ahh, that feels good.

I'm such a liar.

I'm such a liar,
Sachiko.

What's worse is
half the time

I don't even know
why I'm lying.

You're not a liar.

Don't say that.

You're very
honest man, Doug.

No no, I'm not.

I was.

Just crept in
slowly too.

But the thing is, I just spend so much
time covering my tracks.

Half the lies
I tell her are

just lies to make
up for other lies

I've already told.

I'm like that guy at the beginning
of "The Jetsons"

with his dog Astro
going round and round

just stuck on a treadmill
of bullshit.

That's my life...

just a treadmill
of bullshit.

Listen, Sachiko,

my name is not Doug, okay?
I lied, I lied.

My name is Micky.
It's not Doug, it's Micky.

Yes, Micky Barnes
from the paper.

What?

No.
No no no no.

My name is Micky Carnes.
Micky Ca...

I look like the guy
from the paper,

but he has a scar
on his face.

You don't see it
in the photo,

because they take it
out digitally,

but I look like him.

So you're not the Micky
from the paper,

you different Micky?

Yeah,
different Micky.

He's a double
amputee, actually.

- Okay, Doug, you lay down now.
- Okay.

Okay, you know what?

Yes, I am the Micky from the paper.
I am that Micky, okay?

My name isn't Doug. I lied.
I made that name up.

Everyone come here
make up a name.

That's not lie.

You knew all along
that my name wasn't Doug?

Always knew.

You a nice man,
Doug.

You have tired eyes

because you think
you not nice man,

but you are.

You very nice man.

You just don't know
you're a nice man.

That's the only problem.

Would you get
that for me? Yeah.

Oh, God...

Is there somewhere
where that I can use

to make
a private call?

It's my chiropractor.

I have a knee out
from a soccer mishap.

Hey hey hey hey,
can I just... can l...

everybody, can I get you to hold
it down just a little bit?

I've got to make this personal call.
Okay, thank you.

Hello.

- Hi, it's me.
- Oh, hi! Where are you?

I'm out.

I know that.
Where?

- I'm at a Japanese restaurant.
- Oh.

What was that?

Um, that's someone really
enjoying the food.

Yeah, the food's incredible.
It's just incredible sushi.

- Why don't you bring some home?
- Bring some home?

Okay, I'll bring
some home.

By the way, will you bring back
some milk? That's why I called.

Okay, milk's not a problem.
I'll bring some milk home.

- I'll see you at home.
- Bye.

Thank you.

That was my grandmother.
She's...

she's sick.

She lives in Seattle.

She has diabetes.

She's on a respirator.

Okay, all right.

Actually, you know, can I just say
something? Excuse me.

l-I'm...

my grandmother is
not sick.

Sh-she's not...
doesn't live in Seattle.

She lives here
in Chicago.

That was a lie.

Okay, thank you.
Nice meeting everybody.

Carry on.

Donna.

Donna.

I'm home.
Here you go.

Wow!

Thank you!

Wow, what was
that for?

- I love you.
- You do?

Good, because I'm going to be bringing
sushi home a lot more often.

Micky, I've been thinking
about the pager.

It's right here,
I got it right here.

- Want it to vibrate?
- No.

- Want to hear Beethoven?
- No.

- Funkadelic?
- No.

I've been thinking,
you're right.

I'm right?

What am I right about?
I mean, I love to be right,

but tell me
what I'm right about.

You shouldn't
have to wear it.

You shouldn't have to account for your
whereabouts every second of the day.

I don't want to be
that kind of wife.

If you asked me
to wear one,

I think I'd feel
exactly the same way,

so...

No no, listen.
You know what?

You were right.
I was wrong.

I was wrong, okay?

I'm part
of this family.

If you need to get ahold of me,
you should be able to page me.

This is bullshit.

Here, I'll wear
this thing.

If you want to page me,
you can page me 24 hours a day,

anytime, anywhere,
okay?

No more bullshit.

Thank you.

That's funny!

Thank you.
That's funny. It is.

It's funny.

Very funny,
very good.

Okay, that's funny.
I get it.

Good, still got it.

Wearing thin,
but it's still funny. Thank you.

Go see how the baby
is doing.

Thank you!

You're a cut-up.

Thank you!

It's in the tub.

It's nowhere near me,
I'm not going after it.

Forget it.

Game over, you win.

# And then there's those
other things #

# Which for several reasons
we won't mention #

# Everything about 'em is
a little bit stranger #

# A little bit harder #

# A little bit deadly #

# It isn't #

# Very smart #

# Tends to make #

# One part #

# So brokenhearted. #