The Mind of the Married Man (2001–2002): Season 1, Episode 3 - The God of Marriage - full transcript

# My thoughts may stray #

# My eyes may roam #

# The neighbors grass
may seem much greener #

# Than the grass
right here at home #

# If pretty girls excite me,
well, that's life #

# But just in case
you didn't know #

# I love my wife #

# If rosy lips invite me,
hey, that's life #

# But just in case
you couldn't guess #

# Or hadn't heard
or didn't know #

# I love my wife,
I love my wife #



# I love my wife. #

What do you mean you want
to have a second kid?

- I thought you didn't want that.
- Well, I do.

Really?
Donna know?

Not yet. I'm gonna tell her
I want one though.

We've been
discussing it.

Got in a fight
a couple of days ago.

Had it out.
Spoke our minds.

Actually, she spoke
her mind.

The long
and the short of it is

we end up talking
about all that stuff

from those marriage therapy
homework loser tapes

you said we had
to have to watch.

- Finally get her to calm down...
- Mm-hmm.



it turns out what's bothering her
is she wants to have a second kid.

It's an issue that won't go away.
So, we go home, we have makeup sex.

Afterwards, like she
always is after sex, she's Jell-O.

Tells me she loves me,
tells me she doesn't need

to have a second kid
with me if I don't want one.

- Just wants me to be happy.
- I know what you mean.

After sex, you can
get away with a lot.

I do my job right
at my house,

I get a big star on my forehead
like back in school.

I get a day and a half where I'm pretty
much the commander in chief.

What I don't get is
if it went like that,

if she said it was okay,
you don't have to have

a second kid
if you don't want to...

which I'm sensing
you don't...

why are you gonna
say yes?

What am I going
to do, Doug?

Have sex with her every day
for the rest of her life

just so I don't have to
have another baby?

That plan works
when you're 18,

but I got a job, I got a kid,
I got shit to do.

I need my rest.

Gentlemen.

What's wrong?
Why are you happy?

I'm not happy,
I'm lighter.

What could that
possibly mean, you're lighter?

I ended the thing with Ilene Rosenberg.
It was time.

What does that mean,
"It was time"?

What, do you have some
deviant biological clock

that tells you when
to dump your affairs?

So, how'd she handle it?
Was she bummed?

Not at all.
She's fine, we talked at work.

She knows I love my wife.
We had fun. Fine, she's great.

Next!

You picked one young,
free and into her career.

- That was smart, very smart.
- Absolutely.

Not fair to get into the ring with
someone who doesn't know the ropes.

You're a real
sportsman, Jake.

Well, I try to give the fans
their money's worth.

That was nice, babe.

- Thank you.
- That was nice.

Are you sure
about the baby?

I know you're
working hard,

things are tough
right now.

I don't want to
rush you into anything.

If you're not ready,
I'll wait.

Do you want anything?
Do you want a sandwich?

What do you want?
Do you want another baby?

Tell the truth,
forget about the orgasm you just had.

Do you want
another baby?

Yes or no?
Because if you do, I do.

Yeah, I do.

What is it with you?

After sex
you get so sweet.

So pliable.

Roll over.

Let's check your butt
for pimples.

That's the first kid,
the second kid's a molly bolt.

But I never got to the second kid
in any one of my four marriages.

What the fuck is
a molly bolt, man?

What's a molly bolt?

Right there,
this is a molly bolt.

You ever saw
one of those?

Marriage today,
it's like a parking ticket.

If you know what you're doing,
it's very easy to get out of.

Even one kid's
not that bad.

I had one kid each with three of my
ex-wives and I'll tell you something,

Commitment-wise, one kid's
like a framing nail.

You pull it out, you spackle it up,
wall's as good as new.

Yeah? What's
the second kid, genius?

Second kid?
That's your molly bolt, poopy pants.

Once that thing goes into a wall,
it's not coming out.

Not without tearing the shit out
of the whole wall.

- Believe me, all wives know that.
- Why would you possibly

- have had this in your pocket?
- Flowers.

Reminds me of Valentine's Day.
It's all about them,

and that's pissing me off.
I don't have a day.

I'm telling you,
it's fucking bullshit.

He's having
an alimony flashback.

Slayton, tell them
the Valentine's Day story.

Oh, yeah,
the Valentine's Day story.

Get a load
of this, fellas.

So, one year
my third wife says to me

she wants to do whatever I want
for Valentine's Day.

Anything that makes me happy,
she says she's gonna do it.

So I said, "You know what I want
more than anything in the world?

I want you to make me
a nice candlelight dinner,

and then afterwards
I want you to blow me

while I watch
a Three Stooges video."

Why would you want that?

What could The Three Stooges
possibly add to a blowjob?

Can I finish my little story?
It's my fantasy, do you mind? Thank you.

She says to me
she thinks it's stupid,

but if that's what I want,
she'll do it.

So that night,
Valentine's Day,

she makes me a beautiful quiet dinner.
And after dinner,

she puts in a video
and starts to go down on me.

I'm watching the tape,
and it's The Three Stooges.

I'm about to come,
but I notice it's got Shemp.

It's got fucking Shemp!

I was this close.

If it doesn't have Curly,
it ain't The Stooges.

- This close.
- Aw, you poor thing.

I know,
tell me about it.

So, what did you do
to get Micky to agree

- to having a second kid?
- Nothing.

Did you ask him during
a blowjob or something?

We've been married eight years. He does
taxes in the middle of my blowjobs.

Both times I was pregnant, Doug would
get these weird cravings for money,

but I'd just let him vent,
'cause I knew deep down

he wanted another kid
as much as I did.

That's probably exactly
how it happened.

I just gave him the space to come
to the decision on his own.

I knew he'd
get there in the end.

Sort of
Zen manipulation.

Listen. You didn't do anything
that he wouldn't have done

if he'd thought about it and knew
that's what you wanted him to do.

Hmm.

Sometimes I'm really,
really sweet to Micky

and then from nowhere
I hold back

just to be mean.
I don't know why either.

It's like I get in this place
where he doesn't deserve

to be complimented
even though he's done well.

- It's awful, isn't it?
- Yeah, we should all feel bad

for some of the things
we do to these men.

- You hungry?
- I'm starved.

So, she puts the tape in,
she starts going down on him

and it's Shemp.
It's Shemp!

It's Shemp,
the tape has Shemp.

You know what? I thought
it was funny, you didn't.

It's not a big deal. You obviously don't
know The Three Stooges.

- It's a British thing.
- It's not a British thing,

I know The Three Stooges.
I get the joke.

I think. I think
I get the joke.

It's 'cause her head
was in the way of the TV

when she was doing it
and he couldn't see

the Shemp guy.
That's why it was funny. Isn't it?

Isn't that why
it was funny? No?

That's not why it was funny,
'cause her head was in the way.

Just so you know,
that's not why it was funny.

Oh, why was it funny?

You know what?
It's guy humor or something.

You don't get it.
It's not a big deal.

I'd like to get it.
Explain it to me why it was funny.

You can't explain
a joke, Donna.

It's like
dissecting a frog.

You can examine it
all you want,

but at the end of the day
you've learned very little

and the frog
is still dead.

Now, that I don't get.

- I'm going to sleep.
- Are you cross?

You are. You're cross
about a stupid Stooge joke.

- No, I'm not cross. I'm not cross.
- You are.

I wish we got the same jokes,
but we don't.

- It's not a big deal.
- We do, we get the same jokes.

We always have,
right from the very start.

It was practically the basis
for us falling in love.

Okay, I know.

- I'm right.
- You are, you're right.

- You are.
- Now you're humoring me.

No, I was humoring you.
Now I'm stopping.

Good night.

It's 'cause Shemp's
a funny name, right?

That's it.
It's 'cause Shemp's a funny name.

Shemp.

Hello, I'm Shemp.

See, it is.
It... it's funny.

My goal is to
make it so big that

that the mayor's got to come see
me when he wants me.

What is that? Having me come all the way
down here to chew me out

over one of my columns,
that's bullshit.

What's up with you?
You look troubled.

Carol can't leave the house
without spending $100 to $150.

She gets the flu,
I'm like up $300.

Yeah? Why don't you have her
get a job, keep her busy?

Nah, I don't want her
to have a job.

Not now, not while the kids are young.
You know, that's her job.

I've gotta do something.
It's getting out of hand.

We had that money talk
the other day and we agreed.

I gotta keep her
in a very finite box.

So, that's my new plan.

60 days, she buys nothing
but food and toiletries.

What do you think?
Is that gonna work?

Putting your wife
in lockdown?

Isn't that always when
the prisoners riot?

- Hi, what's up, fresh?
- What's up?

Nice piece on Jim Harlbro.
How'd you get him talking?

Well, it took some time,
but you know I'm a pro.

I took him
to a strip club.

There's something
about a fine ass that makes men talk.

It's like male bonding.

Bonding with the ass.
It's beautiful, man.

Speaking of fine asses,
here comes your girl.

- Hey, gorgeous.
- Jake, Kevin.

- How are you?
- I'm swell.

Good. Me too.

What are you
up to this weekend?

Just family stuff.
The usual, you know. How about you?

You know me, I'll probably find
some trouble to get into.

- Have fun. Kevin.
- Okay.

Mm-mmm-mmm.
Damn!

You were right.
She's fine and cool.

We play, we have fun,
we're friends.

This isn't rocket science,
you just need to know the rules.

Hi.

All right,
all right, all right.

Now, we got
a triple homicide...

in Cabrini-Green.

I'm touched by your
compassion and bravery.

- Let's see, who do we give it to?
- Kinsley wants it.

Yeah, Kinsley,
you take it.

Hopefully somebody will
steal that ugly-ass tie he's wearing.

Late, late, late.

Fucking buses.

Fuckin' McDonnell.

Last one in the room
gets a special assignment.

You cover the sewage authority
meeting this afternoon.

By the way,
how is your hemorrhoid?

It's big and it hurts.
I've named it Randall.

I'll expect that humor in
your sewage authority piece.

Now the president's
coming in next Monday.

Okay.

Gomez, you got
the Parks Commission.

- Burt, the Board of Education...
- Ow!

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- You almost took my eye out.

You're lucky you didn't
take my eye out.

Here, just take this thing,
just throw it right in my face.

I'll give you five tries.
Just gouge my eye out.

Are you done, Barnes?
'Cause in a second

I'm gonna want to take
a shot at it myself.

- Okay. Sorry. I'm sorry.
- All right.

For this next job I need someone
young, inexperienced,

willing to sacrifice their
health for the public's right to know.

Feldman, cover the smokers'
rights convention.

Oh my God!
Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh, Micky!

Micky, I'm coming.

Oh, that was nice.

Do you want
a backrub?

No.

You can rub
my jaw though.

It's normal to think
about other women

while you're
screwing your wife.

Problem comes when you're
screwing your girlfriend

and you think
about your wife.

I did that once,
and it messed me up for days.

I know, I got it.
It's normal.

And don't kid yourself that
she's thinking about you.

She's thinking
about everyone but you.

That's okay when we're having target
practice. We've pulled the goalie.

Any one of these
next slap shots could be my next kid.

I'm thinking
of Missy way too much.

If Donna gets pregnant,
Missy'll have some kind

of weird psychic emotional
chromosome link.

Be like the uber-mother.
These are the kind of thoughts

that are going through
my head, you know?

I'll tell you. You know
what your problem is?

You're a fucking romantic. You're
looking for the wrong thing out there.

- You're looking for love.
- No, I'm not.

You're like a lost puppy. You're looking
for love outside your marriage.

It's not good.
Look for the love inside the marriage.

Outside is just sport.

I'm knocking boots,
I'm having fun.

I want to love,
I go home, I love my wife.

That's where
the trouble comes,

you fall in love
outside the marriage.

I need to take you
to see Sachiko.

- What's a Sachiko?
- You mean "Who's a Sachiko?"

She's my little Asian
piece of heaven.

That's all you need.

This thing with your assistant Missy
is trouble.

That's all you need... someone to snap
you the end of your dick,

send you home calm.
Sachiko's your answer.

"Even though Sir Knight was very brave,
he was scared now.

He asked the giant
where he was,

and Loftif replied,
'In my home."'

Emily.

# Whatever shoes you had #

# Whatever made you
mad enough #

# On the promenade
you can #

# Give it rest #

# Give it a seat #

- # Or in the glass... #
- Emily, are you okay?

Emily?

# Pop a knee. #

Are they out cold?

- Emily is.
- Lock the door.

I'll be right out.

# A little worse
for worn #

# A simple thing,
I admit. #

- Wow.
- Happy half-anniversary, baby.

Is it our half
already?

Oh God, I've been
so busy, I forgot.

That's okay, you can
make it up to me right now.

- You look awesome.
- So, do you.

- Except for this, get rid of it.
- Okay.

Is this new?
It is, isn't it?

Come on, let's play.

It is. It's new,
Carol, what...

what did I say?
What did we say?

Nothing new
for 60 days, remember?

- Only food and toiletries.
- Oh my God, no.

This came free in a box of Tide.
Come on, let's play.

How much was it? And don't tell me
that it was on sale either.

Fine. Fine!

Okay, happy?
Let's do it.

- Carol, just wait.
- No. Come on, Doug. Let's get fucking.

I've got playground
duty at the school in the morning.

I've gotta be up early.
Let's roll.

Okay, okay.
I'll tell you what.

Go put that
other thing back on.

Oh, no, you don't
want me in that, Doug.

- That cost $250.
- $250?

- My God, really?
- Yeah.

All right, well,
go put it back on.

You sure that's
what you want?

Yes, I am.

Good.

Let's just be careful
not to soil it.

Maybe you can take it back
tomorrow, say it didn't fit.

No, l... you know,
just kidding. Joking.

- You a friend of Jake's?
- A friend? Yes.

What do you do?
Do you work here?

- What's your connection to Jake?
- I fix his computer.

He had a broken computer.

He had a very nasty problem
that needed looking at

very closely.

- Nice meeting you.
- We didn't meet.

You just asked a bunch
of nosy questions.

- Hey. Hey.
- Hi.

Come on, babe,
I'm reading.

- Come on.
- Okay, fine.

How come whenever I want
to have sex lately, you haven't?

That's not true.
I'm just...

you know,
I'm reading.

It's just coincidence
that it's been ever since

we talked about having
another baby?

Yes, it is.

- It's a total coincidence.
- Right.

Well, I just don't believe it.
Can we talk about it?

No. I'm getting ready for bed.
Let's talk about it in the morning.

- No, I want to talk about it now.
- No, you don't.

Yes, I do. I want to know what's been
going on in your mind, God forbid.

- Okay, you want to know?
- Yeah.

- Can you handle it?
- Yeah.

Okay.
I'm a little freaked out

that you didn't get
that Three Stooges joke.

I'm worried about the differences in
our sense of humor.

- You are joking?
- No, I'm not joking.

You're telling me that
we're not having sex

because of three
long-dead Stooges.

Of course it isn't about The Stooges.
What am I, an idiot?

It's about what
they represent.

And what do they represent,
that I didn't get one crap joke

in a marriage full of jokes
which I have actually gotten?

No, babe, it's just...
I'm just starting to be worried,

you know, sometimes
we don't see things the same anymore.

It's funny how
all this came up

when we started talking
about having more children.

No, it's not funny, see?
Difference in our sense of humor.

Frankly, the way
you're acting,

I'd rather fuck
one of The Stooges.

What makes you think
one of The Stooges

would fuck you with that attitude?
Good night.

What, that's it?

You know what, Jake?
I can't do this, okay?

Seriously, I'm not
a massage parlor kind of guy.

- I can't do this.
- Micky, you lay on your back,

a girl rubs your dick.
Mental patients can do it.

No, but the point is
I don't like massage parlors.

- You ever been to a massage parlor?
- No.

Well, I want you to try it, okay?
I'm gonna pay for it.

It'll be my gift to you.

You're gonna pay for me
to have a hand job?

- That seems a little gay to me.
- Hey, it's not gay.

Just enjoy yourself, Micky.
Enjoy your life, okay?

It's gonna be over like that,
then you're gonna wish

you had more experiences
like this one.

I'm gonna wish you bought me more
hand jobs? How's that gonna work?

Come on.

I know that guy.

Hi.

I am Sachiko.

Oh, I'm...

- Doug.
- Doug.

You have to take
clothes off, Doug.

- I come back.
- Okay.

Hey.

I got all undressed.

Okay, Doug,
you lay down.

- Lay down? Okay.
- Mm-hmm.

- Roll over.
- Oh, on my stomach.

I didn't know,
stomach or back.

Okay.

Oh, you're
gonna be nak?

You don't
want me naked?

No, naked's good.
Whatever makes you comfortable.

But naked's good,
naked works.

I make you feel
real nice today, Doug.

Ah.

Feels good.

What part of Japan
are you from?

Fukuoka.

Oh.

Okay, Doug.
You roll over now.

Roll over?

Don't you want to
give me my towel back?

You roll over, okay?

Oh.

- Nice dicky, Doug.
- Oh, thanks.

- Yeah.
- You got a nice dicky.

- Yeah, you think so?
- You want happy ending to your massage?

Oh. Oh, happy ending.

Oh. Well, I mean
I do, but...

actually, I'm just here
with a friend of mine

and he's getting a happy ending
in the other room.

I'm a newcomer.
I'm kind of married,

so I'll just take
a regular massage, okay?

Okay.

Oh.

You got sad eyes,
Doug.

I got sad eyes?

Mmm. Nice sad eyes.

How come you're only
"kind of married"?

I don't know,
I just...

I guess I have issues,
you know?

One of these guys
with issues.

I guess I'm too old
to have issues, right?

I don't know. I don't
even know why I'm here.

I just... there's this weird,
horny side of me

that my wife doesn't
even know exists.

That's not good,
is it?

Look like it want
happy ending to me.

Oh, I do, I do.

I probably should just have
a regular massage, okay?

- Okay. No happy ending.
- Okay. Thank you.

# I awake to find
no peace of mind #

# I said, "How do you live
as a fugitive?" #

Here you go,
this is for you.

Oh. Next time you come,

I give you happy ending.
Don't talk so much.

- Okay.
- # I said, "What do I know?" #

# Show me
the right way to go #

# And the spies
came out... #

Hey, I have something
you need to see.

- Tapes?
- Yep, tapes.

Okay, fine.
We'll watch the tapes.

Good, and I don't want
to hear any whining.

No. No whining, I want
to watch these tapes.

- You do?
- I need to watch these tapes.

Okay, whatever.
Come.

# 'Cause they're
all spies. #

- Sit. Ready?
- Ready.

This is a film
with Shemp.

It has Larry,
Moe and Shemp.

What are you doing?
What is this?

I'm showing you
why it was funny.

This is Curly Joe.

An obviously inferior
third wheel in comic foil.

- This time I'll throw him out.
- And this is Curly.

See?
There was nothing in it.

Your friend wanted oral sex
accompanied by this tape.

His wife got him
the first tape,

falling just a hair short
of his juvenile

and might I say
pointless fantasy.

And that is why
it was funny.

Yes. Yes.
Absolutely.

That's why it was funny.
Absolutely, you're right.

Anything you throw at me,
I can handle.

So, if you're gonna invent
problems for this marriage,

you're gonna have to come up
with better ones than this, got it?

I do, I got it.
I got it,

and I'm sorry, okay?
I am, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

What?

Are you serious?

Okay.

You wish life
were that easy.