The Mind of the Married Man (2001–2002): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Secret of the Universe - full transcript

# My thoughts may stray #

# My eyes may roam #

# The neighbors' grass
may seem much greener #

# Than the grass
right here at home #

# If pretty girls excite me,
well, that's life #

# But just in case
you didn't know #

# I love my wife #

# If rosy lips invite me,
hey, that's life #

# But just in case
you couldn't guess #

# Or hadn't heard
or didn't know #

# I love my wife,
I love my wife #



# I love my wife. #

Really? Donna's cold
to your new assistant?

What do you mean
by cold?

You know, unfriendly,
not sweet.

All my other assistants
she's nice to,

but to this one,
for some reason, she's cold.

So, she's like,
distant?

Yes, good.

She comes by the office
the other day,

and we're all excited
about this letter

the mayor wrote me
in response to a column.

Donna comes in,
not all that interested,

and basically,
she's very cold to Missy.

Ladies.
What's up?



Micky's wife's cold
to his new assistant.

That's too bad,
I know your wife.

That means she knows
you want to fuck the assistant.

Yeah? How does she know that
when I don't know it?

You wish you
didn't know that.

- What's up with you?
- I'm stressed.

This money thing,
it's getting me down.

Carol and I got
into this silly tiff

over some new dress
she bought.

All right, here's how
we fix this thing.

We get a three-way...

your wife,
your assistant and Carol.

Lots of hair,
a lot of negligees,

a lot of Greco-Roman
wrestling maneuvers.

Then the three of us
get our camcorders out

and we film it.
It works out perfectly.

Your wife and your assistant
are instantly bonded for life.

Meanwhile, Carol
takes the proceeds

of the video that we sell,
blows it on clothing.

On top of that, my wife
is happy that I figured out

how to use the camcorder
in time for Christmas.

It's great.

You realize this
is big time, right?

The first guy getting an interview
with the new mayor?

No, I know. It is big time.
You're a stud, what can I say?

- It is big time, don't tease.
- I'm not teasing.

You are. You are
a mayor-interviewing stud.

I am a stud.
Keep that in mind

over the course
of the next 15 minutes.

- Why, why?
- Why?

Yeah.

Okay, let me go
and check on Bobby.

No, no, Bobby's fine,
I checked.

He fine. He wants us to have sex.
It was...

out of nowhere,
he started talking.

He did not... he did not
tell you that.

C'mon, honey,
he's fine, l...

Honey, I was...

Honey, he's fine.

He's...

Aw, his t-shirt's soaking.
He's drenched.

He sweats in his sleep, okay?
So does every other guy on the planet.

- I didn't want to wake him.
- He'll catch cold.

- Now don't let him roll off.
- Thanks for telling me. Thanks.

I didn't know not
to let you roll off.

I figured I should throw you
against the wall or something.

Silly me.

What, are you gonna do
a kidney transplant, honey?

Honey, he's fine.

We're not gonna
do that, are we?

There we go.
Get your arms out.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Uh-huh.

- You and Missy.
- Who's Missy?

My assistant. How come
you're cold to her?

All of my other assistants
you're nice to.

This one you're
cold to, how come?

- I'm not cold to her.
- You were, you were cold to her.

Can you get me
a clean diaper?

His diaper is clean, honey.
I checked him. C'mon...

- Go!
- Anything else you want to do to him,

that he doesn't need
while you got him up?

- Want to give him a haircut?
- We don't want a haircut, do we?

We don't want
a haircut.

So what's so special
about Missy?

Nothing is special,
why do you ask?

- Why do you care if I'm nice to her?
- I don't.

You do. You obviously do or I wouldn't
be being judged for being cold.

It's obviously important
to you that she's treated nicely.

No, nothing special.
I just...

it's odd to see you
cold, you know?

You're usually
so nice to people.

- Just be nice to her. She works hard.
- Fine.

Good.

Are we going
to mess around?

- You seem to be making overtures.
- Overtures?

Yeah,
actually, yeah.

I mean, it's been
a while. Yeah.

You could just tell me
if we're not,

because then I'm gonna
put some face cream on.

Yeah, uh, yeah.
Can I finish this chapter?

I have three pages left.

Do.

I was with that
fine babe last night.

You know the girl from Circulation
I was telling you about?

The one with the pierced
earring in her tongue?

Mouth jewelry, Micky,
and yeah, that's the one.

You know I can feel that jewelry
right now, as we speak.

- Oh!
- It's funny though,

I didn't think I was gonna be able
to crack this one.

At first, she would
not give it up.

Oh yeah?
So how'd you close?

She saw me having dinner
with Sammy Sosa.

- Oh.
- This girl is as hot as she is shallow.

The mouth jewelry
I don't get.

On paper I can see
how it would be good,

but something
could go wrong.

Yeah, well of course
you'd say that, Mick.

You're a married man.

You can't get the kind
of wild pussy I get.

So you've sold yourself
on how it won't work for you.

It's like the guy
with no money who tells himself

a Mercedes
is a waste of cash.

No, it's like the guy
who gets his dick cut up

by a rusty piece of mouth
jewelry and has to have a tetanus shot.

- That's what it's like.
- See,

this is why marriage isn't
presently in my game plan.

There's too much crazy pussy
out there in the world.

And every year,
a whole new crop comes ripe.

I'm talkin' grade-A
dick-nutty crazy pussy.

That's Saul Bellow's line.

Every 20 years or so, the earth
renews itself of young maidens.

I got to tell you,
I like the way Kevin says it better.

Gentlemen, I am into
some new craziness myself.

- What are you talking about?
- Ilene Rosenberg.

The new entertainment
reporter from New York?

- The little Jewish girl?
- Yes, sir.

How can you be messing
around with her already?

She's here, what, two months?
Does she know you're married?

Yeah, that's what
she likes about me.

She is a whole hell of a lot wilder
than a pierced tongue.

I brought her here the other night,
and she tells me regular sex bores her.

She needs a little adrenaline
to get off.

She ends up going down on me
under the table,

- in that booth, right over there.
- Just remember what they say

about messing around
with someone you work with.

They haven't met
Ilene Rosenberg.

- Hello.
- Hey.

- How are you doing?
- Good, how are you?

Quick cup of coffee before
we go on this run?

- Yes.
- You're not going to work today?

No, I am. I'm gonna go in
when Bobby wakes up,

- and Tilda gets back from market.
- Mmm.

- Can I ask you something?
- Yeah, sure.

As long as it doesn't
involve me writing a check.

Doug's playing banker
again this month.

Would you consider me
a cold person?

You're British.
That's genetic, right?

- No, I'm serious.
- I don't know, I mean...

I wouldn't say you're a huggy,
touchy-feely kind of person,

but you're not cold.
Who told you that?

Micky says I'm cold
to his new assistant.

Micky said this?
Captain Sensitivity himself?

It took him a year
to get my name right.

"Hey Carolyn,
how you doing, Karen... Cookie?"

I know, he's terrible.
Terrible with names, dates,

anniversaries, birthdays.

So what if you are cold
to his assistant? It is his assistant.

I know, but I don't want to look
jealous. Or arrogant or something.

Don't be. Make a friend of her.
Who better to tell Micky

what you want for your anniversary
or birthday than his own assistant?

- You're good.
- Hey, I got this down.

No, read
the column again.

I did not say that all Republicans
were fat and stupid.

No, I was talking
about you in particular.

Yeah, read it again.

Okay, bye.
Call me later, bye.

I loved your column.

- Thanks.
- No, I mean it,

I don't want you to think I'm saying
that just 'cause you're my boss.

Even though I'm not a great writer yet,
I know great writing when I read it.

Thanks, that's nice.

Donna, hey!

Hi.

- How're you doing?
- Good.

I should do a piece on how much cleaner
this is than our editorial room.

Only thing I miss about working here.
Hi, Missy.

- Hi.
- You look nice.

- I do?
- Yeah, gorgeous.

- Thank you, you do too.
- How do I look?

Tired.
Here, I dropped by to show you these.

Bobby's first
dental x-rays.

Oh, dental records, good.

We'll need this
in case of a plane crash.

- Don't be smart.
- Did I just say that?

You are as proud as I am
and you know it! Look.

Aw, those are great.

I was in the area and I thought
you'd like to see them.

Hey Missy, you know what I was thinking?
We should have lunch together.

- Lunch?
- Lunch, good idea.

Have you been to Pizano's? We should
go there, a proper girl's lunch.

I'd love that. I've wanted to go
there, like, my whole life.

Good, then we'll go...
end of the week.

Thank you.
Excuse me, the phone.

- Happy?
- Very.

Good, see you at home.

Oh yeah,
you've got to kill that.

That's got to be dead...
dead fast.

He's right, don't let
that shit happen.

It crosses the line,
it's like church and state.

Nobody wants their wife
and their assistant to be friends.

- You have no wiggle room.
- What I don't get is, why?

You said Donna
was cold to her.

Now all of a sudden
she asks her lunch, why?

- 'Cause I told her to be nice.
- Lunch nice?

- No, I did not mean lunch nice.
- I wouldn't think so.

Why'd you want her being nice?

I didn't want her to think
something was going on.

- Is there something going on?
- No.

I figured she was cold
'cause she was threatened.

I figured if I made a big deal
about her being nice to Missy,

it would make her think
there wasn't anything going on.

Listen to you.

- You so want to fuck this girl.
- No, I don't.

- Yes, you do. You do.
- I don't.

Micky, you do and I think
it's gonna happen.

I don't want to fuck her.
I don't!

I am gonna kill
the lunch though.

Hi. Wanna have some fun?

When do you work?
Just curious.

Exact same thing
I asked him.

Ilene wants to do me
in the elevator.

When you hear the alarm go off,
wait about 10 minutes,

then head down
to the elevators, okay?

What is it with you and these women?
I'm serious.

I seen you in the shower at the gym,
it's not like you got a third arm.

That's the thing... I'm a regular guy,
but I have big-dick mentality.

You, on the other hand,
have small-dick mentality.

- What are you talkin' about?
- It's a killer.

It takes out more guys
than heart disease. Ask your doctor.

I'm gonna ask my doctor about big-dick
mentality? I don't think so.

Someone writing a column
on that elevator there?

- No.
- Nah.

I didn't think so.

Maybe you guys ought to get back
to work, like your buddy Jake there.

- That's a good idea.
- It's a good...

Micky. Micky, wake up.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Listen, I was wondering,

in terms of sex, what do you like?
Do you like a finger in your ass?

Excuse me?

Some guys do.
They like it when you're having sex,

and then you reach down
and put a finger in,

just a little bit.
Do you like that?

Or... do you just like
your balls rubbed?

Yeah, I like
my balls rubbed.

Would you like me to do that now?
Could I rub your balls?

Yeah, maybe,
I mean...

Actually no,
now is not a good time.

Oh. How about
tomorrow at work?

Could I rub
your balls at work?

I don't think that's
a good time either.

Or we could get a blanket.
I could put it over your lap,

and I can rub your
sweet balls on the L-train.

Okay, you know what?
You've got to go.

Okay, you really do.
You really got to go.

I just want to rub
your balls.

I know,
but you gotta go.

- Okay, bye.
- I'll see you later.

So, this lunch thing
with you and Missy,

you excited about it?

Mmm, very.

'Cause she is.

She wants to be
a reporter, you know?

Mm-hmm.

Probably gonna bombard you with
a bunch of really goofy questions.

That's fine.

Is she a good writer?

I assume she is, she's smart.
She likes my stuff.

She's gonna be persistent though.
Get ready, I tell you.

This lunch thing,
it's gonna turn into,

like, a regular lunch thing
if I know Missy.

You'll be getting all kinds of calls,
messages here at the house.

Trust me this girl
has the ability to make herself

a real pain in the butt
so get ready.

Why are you
telling me this?

'Cause I want you to know what you're
getting into, before you get into it,

so you can cancel if you want.
I wouldn't be mad.

- That's all I'm saying.
- I don't understand, Micky.

First you want me to be nice to her,
so I ask her out to lunch,

- and now, you want me to cancel?
- Yeah, so?

So what do you want?

I'm being practical,
that's all.

Okay?
I'm thinking ahead.

What if you two
become good friends,

like really good friends,
like you and Karyn?

What happens if something goes wrong
and I have to fire her, okay?

I just don't want
to see you get hurt.

That's all,
that's all I'm saying.

You know me well, Mick, well enough
to know how well I know you, yeah?

- Yeah.
- So right now, I know that you know

that I know that you're aware
that you're absolutely full of shit!

Not that that makes any sense,
but you're dead wrong.

Missy!

Missy?
Can I see you for a minute?

- Yeah.
- Okay, listen... have a seat, listen.

l-l... I think...

I think you should...
you should call Donna

- and postpone the lunch at Pizano's.
- Yeah, I'll postpone it.

- Until when?
- Until never, actually.

Until never?
Why?

I don't think
it's a good idea, okay?

Church and state, okay?
I just...

I would prefer to keep
things separate.

Separate, sure.

- Yeah, cool.
- Okay.

I was just really
looking forward to...

lunch at Pizano's,
but whatever, you know.

Why, is this
a big deal for you?

To have lunch
at Pizano's?

Yeah, it is.

Okay look, how about
I take you to Pizano's...

you and I go to Pizano's on me?
How's that?

- Yeah, really?
- Yes, really.

Okay, yes!

I think it's
a mistake, Micky,

I don't think you should be
having lunch with this girl.

She's my assistant,
why is it a mistake?

It's a mistake
because you have to ask.

You obviously doubt yourself.
You doubt your... integrity.

That's not true,
I don't doubt my integrity.

I just... she's very hot,
this girl.

I've been thinking
about her a lot lately.

Thinking about her
in what way?

What way do you think
I've been thinking about her?

That's not good.
Thoughts like that are not good.

You got to guard your mind, Micky,
like it's a fortress.

Yeah, the problem is
the fortress is running

80 channels of porn, eight hours a day.
That's the problem.

I got the secret
of the universe, Micky, you want it?

The secret
of the universe?

No, I don't want that.
You have any gum?

Everything starts
first in the mind,

and then it
becomes a reality.

You've got to guard your thoughts
like they're diamonds.

You know what, better yet,
guard 'em like they're missiles.

You want to know
what Carol and I do?

You want to know
what we do sex-wise?

Tell me slowly in case
I have to cut you off.

We watch tapes.

Positive programming.

These tapes,
they deal with intimacy,

and the tools a man needs
to keep things fresh

in his brain
as well as his shorts.

Is that a man with big-dick mentality,
or small-dick mentality?

You know how long
I've been standing here?

No.

I've got a prostate that looks like
an old Chicago Bears practice ball.

Are you gonna be okay
putting in extra hours

to get that fourth
column out every week?

I mean your wife gonna be okay,
you never coming home early?

She'll have to be.

God, was it always this hard to raise
a family and to make ends meet?

I remember being 20 years old
having to get by on a G.I.'s salary,

freezing my ass off
in Korea,

and wondering if the wife and kid
got the allotment check.

You're right,
I got nothing to bitch about.

You've got plenty
to bitch about.

You don't need to get shipped
overseas to legitimately feel

you got too much weight
on your back to stay afloat.

Hell, you're a young white man
trying to keep it together

in an era where no one wants
to hear shit about your problems.

Yeah.

Thank you.

- Hey.
- So...

you just a white man trying to make
it in a white man's world, huh?

- It's not easy. Good luck.
- Thanks.

Give it
your best shot.

White people.

...comes with batteries,
a one year warranty...

Hey, what are these?
Hmm?

Oh, those are those goofy-ass marriage
tapes that Doug gave me.

- He and Carol watch those.
- Let's see Doug's idea of goofy.

Oh honey, you know what?
I know you, you're gonna hate them.

Well, let's just see.

Well, the fact is
a good marriage

is yours
for the asking.

It's all here
in the head and the heart,

the two organs
we need to work

to find a place of love
and intimacy.

Now what I want
to teach you today

is how to make
those decisions...

I can't do this.
I got a stomachache.

- Oh!
- This... this...

this is like watching
a pony die, this guy.

Each one of you
will do one good deed...

This is marriage therapy
homework for losers.

Doug obviously felt
that this video

had tools
that we could use.

Tools? Honey, c'mon,
what are we, a muffler shop?

This is ridiculous and you know it,
look at this guy.

...when two people
become one.

Okay, so they're not brilliant,
but a good marriage needs work.

Work?

You want me to do work,
I just got home from work.

I don't want to work.
I want to lay on the couch.

I'm not asking a lot, Mick.

I'm not one of those demanding
pain-in-the-ass wives I see out there.

You say you love me, you say it
all day long, which I appreciate,

but show me.

I'm sick of hearing it,
I want to see it.

...and the husband
will not have a clue,

why his wife
is angry with him.

- In the first case...
- Fine.

trust supports
the marriage,

the family,
and to a greater extent,

society at large.

A firm foundation
of trust will ensure

that a couple makes it through
any of life's challenges.

Oh God.

Oh Micky!
Micky!

Oh God,
this guy's good.

Oh, he really knows
what he's doing.

Heart plus head
equals big-dick mentality.

- Okay, ready to go to lunch?
- Yes.

I can't wait,
I'm gonna pick your brain.

I have so many
questions to ask you.

Like where'd you get your ideas for
stories? Where'd you do your research?

Do you go to the library,
or do you have a whole internet thing,

or do people do
research for you?

Hey, uh...
Doug go to lunch?

- Yeah.
- Good.

#... Is me alight
in effigy #

# I suppose baby don't
want me around #

# She threw
my stuff into a pit #

# And laughed aloud
as I dove after it #

# I suppose baby don't
want me around #

# This is the place
you want to be #

# Out of the woods,
out of control... #

There you go.
Okay.

Okay, good night.

You got to lay down,
you got to lay down.

Lay down.
You got to go to sleep.

Here, look at this.
Okay, good night.

Here.

How about this?
Here, here.

Okay, go to sleep
with the bear.

Ugh!

All right, okay,
go to sleep, honey.

Is he down yet?

He's on his way down.

What do you do,
overstimulate him?

No, I didn't overstimulate him.
Why would I do that?

You don't think I know
how to put my own son to bed?

Are you gonna tell me
what's going on?

You haven't said two words
all night.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.

C'mon, honey, last time
you said nothing was wrong

was when you found
porn on my laptop

and something was wrong,
and you were upset.

I'm not upset.
Wrap the fish.

This is you
not being upset?

C'mon, you're the big-time
emotional tool girl.

Tell me if something's going on?
What's going on?

- Believe me you don't want to know.
- I do. I want to know.

- No, you don't.
- I do.

I'll tell you what's wrong. You took
your assistant to lunch, didn't you?

Karyn saw the two of you leaving
Pizano's. What's going on, Micky?

Nothing's going on.
Nothing.

- Nothing.
- Good.

- Where are you going?
- Out for some air.

It's okay, Tilda,
you can come through.

She's poquito loco,
a little crazy.

Tilda, you're married,
what does she want?

Because the last time
I followed her, she went ballistic.

The time before that
I didn't follow her

and she went ballistic,
so what does she want?

I don't know, Mr. Micky.

My husband and I, these are not the kind
of problems that we have.

What kind of problems
do you have?

You know, feeding the childrens,
paying the rent,

how to staying in this country.
These kind of things.

Oh.
Okay, that makes sense.

Okay, I'm actually gonna
go follow her then.

Thank you,
that's good advice.

- You're doing a good job.
- Gracias, Mr. Micky.

Okay.

Hey.

Hey.

Come here.
Here's your cell phone. Call Karyn.

C'mon, take your cell phone.
Call her again.

Ask who else she saw me coming out
of Pizano's with. C'mon, do it.

Karyn, hi. Yeah, it's me.
Listen, I'm sorry to ring

but when you saw Micky with his
assistant, was he with anyone else?

Thanks.

You were with
Doug and Missy.

What was I
supposed to do?

Doug invites me to lunch,
Missy's standing there,

- and out of nowhere, he invites her.
- Why'd he ask her?

I don't know. He's Doug,
he's weird, he's nice.

She was low and he
asked her to come.

Why was she low?

Because I made her
cancel lunch with you.

Why'd you make her
cancel lunch with me?

Why?

- You want the truth?
- Yeah.

- Honestly?
- Yeah.

Because I need
some space, okay?

I need some space,
I do.

I need some separation. She's my
assistant. I need some s-s-space.

Why do you need that space?
Micky, why do you need separation?

Why do you put this wall up between us?
You always do this.

We're married.
We have a family.

It hurts.

This hurts deeply.

I'll see you at home.

Where are you going?
Just wait, okay?

You know what, I didn't even pay for her
lunch, just so you know.

She didn't shut her mouth once.

I did not have a good time,
if that means anything to you.

- I just... I want to be alone.
- No, you don't.

Yeah, you know,
actually I do.

I want to be alone
with myself right now.

It's a lot less painful
than being alone with you.

All right, well, I'm gonna go with you
in case you get mugged.

Actually, I'm just gonna
follow you in case I get mugged.

Well, fine! As far as I'm concerned
you're out of the will.

You're out of my will. I'm leaving
everything to that dog there.

That dog, right there.

This dog gets the entire Micky Barnes
Foundation fortune

and you... are left with nothing,
just so you know.

You get nothing
if I die.

Just the memories.

# We laughed so much,
then we cried #

# All night #

# And you left your shoes #

# In the tree #

# With me #

# I'll wear them
to your house #

# Tonight #

# Tonight #

# Magic in the air #

# Tonight #

# Feels right. #