The Mighty Boosh (2003–2007): Season 3, Episode 1 - Eels - full transcript

Whilst Naboo and Bollo go on the head shamans stag party, Howard and Vince are left in charge of the "Nabootique". Howard tries to sell some elbow patches and Vince gets lots of money from his celebrity radar. The Hitcher then appears demanding one thousand Euros as part of a protection racket and tells the story of how he used to go to the shop when it was a shop selling eels. He then comes back and gets shot but is then saved by a survival elbow patch stolen earlier from Howard which is bullet proof and decides not to kill Howard and Vince.

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(Howard) Come with us now
on a journey through time and space.

(Vince) To the world of
"The Mighty Boosh".

♪ "The Mighty Boosh"

♪ Come with us to
"The Mighty Boosh"

♪ "The Mighty Boosh"

♪ Come with us to
"The Mighty Boosh"

What's wrong with you?

I've spent four hours
scrubbing that filth of the shutters.

- What filth?
- That grafiti.

Every day I scrub it of, every day
it comes back. Ever more elaborate insults.

Why bother? They're just bored kids.



Why don't you add to it,
paint round it?

Paint round
"Howard Moon licks balls for money"?

- Is that what it says?
- Yeah.

- That is quite funny.
- Why is that funny?

- It's funny that you do that.
- I don't.

- That's what it says.
- It says it because it's grafiti.

- No smoke without fire.
- Really? What about smoke machines? Hm?

They're not smoke, they're dry ice.

- You've got guilty eyes.
- What do you mean?

Well, look at you. You always look like
you've been up to some ball-licking activity.

- Right, we're of.
- Where are you going?

Going on a stag weekend.
It's going to be huge.

Are you going to be all right here?

Yeah. Don't worry about that. I'll keep
an eye on Vince, if you know what I mean.



It's not Vince I'm worried about.
He's a great shopkeeper.

He's not that good.
He's a borderline simpleton. Look.

(makes car noises)

- Hm?
- He's playing with a toy car.

He'll sell that car by the end of the day.
Look. He's got charm, charisma...

- Yeah. So have I.
...big eyes.

You're a big man with tiny eyes.
That's a creepy combo.

And if you're going to branch out into
kinky sidelines, don't advertise it on the shop.

Yeah, that's not me, OK?
That's a grafiti artist.

- No smoke without fire.
- What about, uh, smoke machines?

Dry ice.

- Hurry up, Naboo, you goon!
- All right.

Oh, climb aboard, monkey man.
You are wasting valuable drinking time.

How many have you had?
Have you started already?

Liquid breakfast.
I've had champagne on me Golden Grahams.

I am steaming!

- Pace yourself, Harrison.
- This is my stag. Let's go.

Yeahhhhh!

- What's wrong with my eyes?
- Nothing. It's just they're not a man's eyes.

They're more of a cockerel's eyes
embedded in a man's face.

They're small, yes,
but they are powerful.

It's not about the size.
It's the fact that they keep darting about.

In ten years you've never
once given me eye contact.

It's my style.
I keep an eye on the periphery.

Who's in the shadows?
What's that creeping up on me?

- That's why you're a crap salesman.
- I'm a great shopkeeper.

Oh, get lost. In all the time this shop's
been open, you've never sold one item.

- That's all about to change.
- Really?

Check out my new pitch.
You can be the customer, OK?

- Which customer shall I be?
- Anyone.

- All right. I'll be, uh, Neville Bamshoot.
- Neville Bamshoot.

OK.

- Hi, Neville.
- Hey.

- How's the wife?
- She's got a bit of... (husky moan)

Oh, dear.
Well, you've got a lovely jacket there.

- Yeah, it is cool, isn't it?
- But it's a bit worn at the elbows.

I know you're thinking,
"I'll have to throw it away."

- Whoa there, because I have the solution.
- No way.

The Howard Moon
elite elbow-patch selection.

Look at the range of colours
going all the way from deep, profound mufin

through the angry beige,
right out there to a very aggressive nutmeg.

I can see what you're trying to do, but I could
pretty much pick these up from any shop.

I see.
Connoisseur of the patch, like myself.

I have another patch.
I call this one the "chameleon patch".

- Where is it?
- Exactly.

It's right here. This patch will change colour
to match its environment.

Wow!

Behold.

- How long does it take?
- Anything up to two hours.

Then your elbows become
the same colour as your surroundings?

- That's right.
- And the benefit of that is?

OK, that's not the patch for you.

But, last try,
this one I call the "survival patch".

- I'm intrigued.
- You're in the wilderness.

- Where?
- Miles from anywhere.

I've never left Shoreditch.

You've come out of Hoxton Square, gone
down to that car park behind The Dragon Bar.

It's horrible around there.
Well Crimewatch.

It's cold, it's frightening, it's dark,
you've only got on a light summer jacket.

- What colour?
- Brown.

- I don't think so.
- Purple with diamante trim.

- OK.
- It's cold. What are you going to do?

Uh, I'd go over to Leroy's.
He lives opposite.

- Leroy's out.
- Where's he gone?

- He's gone skiing.
- Maybe I'd like to have gone skiing.

- He wanted to go on his own.
- Who goes skiing on their own?

- He went on a solo mission.
- Why?

- Because he's a spy.
- He works in the laser copy centre.

- That's a front.
- This is outrageous. I'm going to ring him.

It's not important.
You're on your own, OK?

You're cold.
What you need to do is start a fire.

- How can I make a fire?
- Avail yourself of the survival patch.

Now, these fellas
have flint woven into the fabric itself.

A couple of those on the arms,
a bit of kindling...

A couple of hours later,
you've got yourself a fire. Hm?

- A roaring fire, sir.
- Are you insane?

You're not my target market.

Who is your target market -
grasshoppers?

What are you doing? You're mocking me.
Bring something to the ideas table.

All right. Check this out.
This, my friend, is the celebrity radar.

I call it the "celebradar".
Leroy knocked this up before he went skiing.

- What does it do?
- I've been tagging pop stars like pigeons.

I sneak up on 'em, tag their ankles.
They don't know anything about it.

Say I want to know where
the guitarist of the Horrors is.

Joshua von Grim.
Turn on the radar...

He's in Bethnal Green cemetery
having a picnic. Genius!

- Why would I want to know where he is?
- Not you, cool people.

15-year-old girls, trendies,
people in the know.

- Will you make money?
- Yeah.

I got over 400 pop stars tagged.
I'm going to make a fortune.

I'll make more money from patches.

- Get real.
- Make it interesting?

- How much?
- Five euros.

- You're on, grasshopper.
- You're on.

- We'll see.
- Let the battle of the sales commence!

Next.

(girl) Where's the lead singer of the Klaxons?

Apparently he's in Marks & Spencer
in the dads' section buying a jacket.

(girl) Cool! Thanks!

♪ We're the super magic men
We stay up till five am

♪ Although we're bound by shaman law,
What goes on tour stays on tour

♪ We're the super magic men...

Bollo, I'm having a panic attack.
The shop's going to be all right, innit?

- No.
- You think they'll get into trouble?

- Yes.
- What are we going to do?

Drink this.

Be quiet, please. I can't hear
my internal TomTom. We appear to be lost.

- Oh, you are useless.
- I'm happy to let someone else drive.

I can't drive, I'm shitfaced!

Yeah. Like you could drive anyway.
You can't even reach the pedals.

How dare you?
I've got a heavy-goods licence.

There's no one here who's got
more miles under their belt than me.

Look, save it, you pinky wafer.
Let Kirk drive.

Kirk can't drive.
He's a renowned ram raider.

Kirk, is it true that you've become a vehicular
menace, mowing down all in your path?

Yes.

- Can we stop? I need a wee-wee.
- We were only just in a service station.

I know, but I didn't need to go then.
I'm not a machine. I've got a weak bladder.

- You are a bladder.
- It's not my fault.

I couldn't reach the pee trough. I asked you
to pick me up and you just shunned me.

I'm sorry, but I do not stoop
to pick up men in the urinals.

- That's not what I've heard.
- (all groan)

Oh, you walked right into it.

♪ We're the super magic men
We stay up till five am

♪ Although we're bound by shaman law,
What goes on tour stays on tour...

I like, uh, Saturn. Yes. He's lovely.

One time, though, he got all, uh,
space dust on his rings

and he had them,
uh, dry-cleaned,

and when they come back
they'd all shrunk down.

All shrunk.
And they were all tight to his head.

He looked like Bjorn Borg.

OK. Who do you need?

- (till pings)
- (Vince) Next.

Psst. Hey. Hey.

Psst.

Hi. I noticed your jacket. Very nice.

It might be enhanced
with the use of an elbow patch.

Now, a man of your height and colouring,
I would probably recommend a robust fawn

or maybe even a nutmeg.

What the hell are you doing?
Don't be poaching.

- Don't trample on my pitch.
- It's the elite.

I can't have you freaking them out
with creepy corduroy creations.

Sorry about that.

Why's he looking at me like a rapist?

He's just practising his eye contact.
Ignore him.

Hey, Howard, here's one for you.

Helllllloooooooooooo.

- Hello.
- Hello. Howard Moon.

- I'm Elanor.
- Elanor. Lovely name for a lovely lady.

Erm, that's a nice jacket.

That jacket could be improved tenfold
with the use of an elbow patch.

- You have a very smooth pitch.
- Thank you very much.

- Is that your real body?
- Yep. Yes, it is.

- Perhaps your husband would be interested?
- My husband is deceased.

Sorry about that.

What kind of patch
would you suggest for a... broken heart?

Um, perhaps a Gore-Tex, nylon weave
or something.

What I mean to say is,
I want to pound you like yesterday's beef!

Yep.
I'm not sure what's happening here.

Don't be coy, cowboy.
I'm talking about the advert.

Oh, right.
This is a misunderstanding, OK?

That's not an advert, it's grafiti.
Sick vandalism.

- We're too old to play games.
- Games? What do you mean, "too old"?

Come on, love-monkey.
You like what you see, don't you?

I'm not sure what it is I am seeing.

I'm the woman in the prime of her life
that needs love squeezin's!

There's been a misunderstanding.
I don't do this.

- No price is too high.
- I don't care. Can you vacate the premises?

Here's my card
if you change your mind.

And you will change your mind.

Bye.

- All right, everyone out.
- What are you doing? Don't push 'em.

- Hello?
- It's 5:30, Vince. It's closing time.

- You cost me a lot of money there.
- You've made enough. How much?

- I've made 3,000 euros.
- 3,000 euros?

- Catch you later.
- Where you going?

- I've got to tag this guy.
- Who's that prize tool?

Pete Neon,
lead singer of the Neon Needles.

Absolutely everyone
was asking for him today.

If I could get him,
I would make a killing.

- You're going to go now, are you?
- Yeah. He only comes out at night.

- He's part flamingo.
- What about the stocktaking?

Yeah, I'd love to help,
but Leroy just texted me.

Pete Neon's been seen outside Topshop,
so I gotta go.

You had a good day today, Vince,
but retail is all about the long haul.

You may have won the battle,
but you have not won the war, sir.

I see you've added
some new stuf to your menu.

Who's doing this?
Hm? Show yourself.

Where are you?
I'll get you for this. It's not funny.

I'll get you, as God is my witness!

(thunder rumbles)

Yeah, we're not open, actually.
I forgot to turn the sign around. Thanks.

Yeah. I said we're not open.

Dear, oh dear. What have we got here?
And what are you supposed to be?

- I'm a shopkeeper.
- Oh, really?

And what exactly
is it that you sell, boy?

Well, all manner of things in here.

We sell knick-knacks, curios,

second-hand objets d'art,
trinkets, you name it.

What's this fabric oval?
What does it mean?

It doesn't mean anything. It's a patch.
A good one. Flint weave.

It's called a survival patch.
It's scufproof, weatherproof, bulletproof.

- Are you bulletproof, boy?
- I don't know.

Um, that's 19 euros,
actually, that one.

How about I give you no money,

and if you don't like that transaction
I jab you in the gums with me screwdriver?

That works for me.

Bad area around here, boy.

A lot of bad types,
a lot of mean people... a lot of nutters.

Well, there's always a bad element
in any neighbourhood,

but, um, it's coming on
in leaps and bounds around here

with urban-renewal plans and, uh,
we've even got our own organic supermarket.

Oh, yeah!

Oh! Oh, a bit more.

Ah!

Did you enjoy that, boy?
Cockney urine all over your face?

That was a bad time for you,
weren't it?

Don't worry, though. I won't let it happen to
you again cos I'm gonna protect you, boy.

- Cos I love you.
- Do you?

If you weren't a geezer,
I'd rape you right now behind the counter.

Thank you, sir.
I have to go now, sir.

Evening, squire.

You stand firm, boy.

Yeah, I remember this place.

I remember this place
when it was a pie-and-mash shop.

They used to serve eels here, boy.

- Do you like eels?
- I like sushi.

Sushi? I'm talking about eels, boy.

Live eels wriggling around inside your belly,
exploring your organs,

like internal black wangers.

Yeah. Old Elsie used to own this place.

Elsie Eel we used to call her.

She used to give me free eels,
on account of me being an orphan and that.

We'd eat our eels
and then we'd all crowd round the joanna.

I see you've still got it.
Mind if I have a tinkle?

We've actually lost the key to that, sir.

All the little 'uns would gather here,
and Ray would lie down there like a seal pup.

- He had no feet, you see.
- Right.

And I'd play a song
that goes a little bit like this...

♪ Eels

♪ Eels

♪ Eels

♪ Eels

Join in, boy.

♪ Eels

It's good, innit?

♪ Eels

♪ Eels up inside ya

♪ Finding an entrance where they can

♪ Eels up inside ya

♪ Finding an entrance where they can

♪ Boring through your tummy,
through your mind, through your anus

♪ Eels

♪ Eels

- Who's that?
- That's Elsie. Why don't you dance with her?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Arrrghhhhh!

- Argh!
- Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Did you see Elsie, boy?
Did you dance with her?

- No, I didn't.
- Of course you did. We all did.

A lot of bad things
can happen to a boy like you.

Your shop might burn down or your arms
might be attached to juggernauts

and torn of at the shoulders.

Only, that ain't gonna happen to you, boy,
cos I'm gonna protect ya.

For a price, of course.

A thousand euros by midnight
or I'll set me eels on you again.

Argh!

People say if you look at the moon
for too long in a telescope

that you can go mad.

I think that is quite true
because you know Patrick Moore?

He's been looking at me
for years and years

and yesterday I saw him
do a shit on a salad.

Hey, Howard. You would not believe it.
I was so close to getting Pete Neon.

He was on this windowsill. I sneaked up to
him, just about to tag his ankle, he got away.

- Eels.
- Hm?

- Eels.
- What's that mean?

- Eels.
- Howard, are you all right?

- We're in trouble.
- What?

- Where's the money?
- I spent it.

- No! What on?
- This ring.

- No. You had 3,000 euros.
- It's got a Mexican ant in it. How cool is that?

- No!
- What's going on?

- We've got to get out of town.
- Tell me what happened.

This man came in the shop. A cockney.
He urinated in my face and...

We've seen all this. Can we just cut to
something else while I explain it?

We've got to get a thousand euros
by midnight or we're dead. Thank you.

All right, let's not panic, OK?
Let's ring Naboo.

- He's not answering.
- Let me ring him.

Don't leave it in thick blobs - rub it in.

This is all kinds of wrong.

Work it with your fingers.

This cleft, it seems to be
getting wider or something.

Don't be ashamed of yourself
just because you've become aroused.

Don't flatter yourself.
As if Tony Harrison could make me twitch.

- What factor's that, anyway?
- I don't know. Seven.

Seven? I need 67. I told you.

Why don't you grow some eyebrows,
you pink freak?

- (phone rings)
- Is that my phone?

Oh, Naboo, put your phone down.

Naboo, you know the rules.
No phones on the stag.

And the penalty is very clear.
A turban full of tequila, in one.

Down in one, down in one, down in one,

down in one, down in one, down in one.

Shit of! You are gonna be wasted!

Anyone for volleyball?

What's happening? No! Ohhh!

Are you blind, you nonce?

Ow!

This is an outrage!

Oh, I don't believe it.
He's not answering, the stupid git.

Pack your stuf. Let's go.

We can't leave.
We've got to look after the shop.

If you wanna stay, that's your business.
Goodbye.

- Coward. You leave at the drop of a hat.
- I don't.

You do. At school when that bully wanted
two euros you went, "We've got to leave."

It didn't work out.
We got as far as the end of the road.

And whose fault was that?

Come on, Vince.

- I told you to pack light.
- That was packing light. You can't run away.

- I've run all my life.
- Who from?

- Student Loans.
- Who runs from Student Loans?

I do. They're frightening.

Change your address once,
they never find you.

You didn't see him. He wanted
a thousand euros by midnight or we're dead.

Wait. Howard, I think I've got an idea,
a way we can get the money.

- I'm not happy about this, you know.
- That's the best outfit you've ever worn.

It's not the outfit,
it's the whole scenario.

It's going to be fine.
Meet Elanor, ask for money upfront.

That's what prossies do.
It's on Hill Street Blues.

- Basically, I'll rush in, mug you with this.
- All right, easy.

- It's only plastic.
- Even so.

Once I've got the money, I'll leg it,
meet you back at the shop in 15 minutes.

I can't do it.
I can't go through with this.

Look, Howard,
it's either this or the eel man.

- This better not go wrong.
- Get round there. Go on.

Helllllllooooooooooo,

cowboy.

Howdy.

- Lovely evening, isn't it?
- It's a very balmy night for this time of year.

- I hope you're as good as your friend says.
- Well, you know, I am pretty good.

He says you're the biggest, dirtiest
ball-fondler this side of Dalston.

Is that right? Well, I'm pretty dirty, yes.
I'm filthy, like an old shoe.

- I want you to mess me up.
- I'm going to, don't worry.

- Turn me into a mess machine!
- I will do.

- Oh, yes!
- Before you touch, show me the money.

(coos)

- OK. I've got the money.
- Mm.

(loudly) I have the money now in my hand.
I have now got the money here...

Hush, hush, little spaceman,
and come to Momma!

Vince!

(squawks)

980, 990... A thousand euros.

Good work, Howard.

Oh, look, I'm sorry.

Don't touch me.
Don't ever touch me again. Or look at me.

(sighs) It can't have been that bad.

You don't know what she made me do.

It's all part of life's rich tapestry.

If you ever tell anyone about this, I will literally
come at you like a breeze block of pain.

Evening, treacle!

You got my money, boy, or am I going to
have to set Elsie and her eels on you again?

Don't do that.
We have your money, yes.

And how did you come by that money,

being as you're the worst shopkeeper
I've ever laid me solo peeper on?

How I got that money isn't really relevant
at this juncture. I have the money.

He's a prostitute.

- Who's this whelk?
- Hi, I'm Vince. I'm a shopkeeper.

Well, what is it exactly that you sell,
young man?

This toy car.

Why would anyone want to buy?
Oh, that is quite nice.

- How much do you want for this, boy?
- 69 euros.

- I'll pay a hundred.
- Cool.

I'm gonna play with that
when I get home.

But first I'm gonna to cut you slags up.

No. We have the money, sir.
That's an infringement of the agreement.

Oh, boohoo. Do I look like a reasonable
man or a peppermint nightmare?

- The first one?
- Wrong.

I hate you trendy modern wankers
and everything you represent.

I'm gonna skin you,
pop your eyes out and stamp on 'em.

Hellllloooooooooo.

Put the knife down.

You touch one hair on Howard's head, and I
will shoot you down like a large German bear.

Who's this? Your wife?
Looks like a geezer in a dress to me.

Howard, my sweet piece of love nipple,
let's get away from here.

I have a love shack in Acapulco
and you can mess me up fun time.

Yeah, well, I've got your card
so I'll meet you there.

Aaaaaaaaaadios.

(groans)

Blimey, I'm not dead!
Something seemed to stop the bullet.

- The survival patch, living up to its name.
- Told you they were durable.

- You saved my life, boy.
- You're not still going to kill us?

You know what,
I don't think I am gonna kill you.

You see, when I was lying on the floor
close to death,

I had something of an epiphany.

I realised young people like yourselves aren't
interested in eels and Victorian nonsense.

You like Pret a Manger and Lily Allen.
Oh, I've become obsolete.

I've been living in the past. I might as well
go and run me head over with a truck.

- Sorry to trouble you.
- Whoa. It's not as bad as all that, is it?

- Eh?
- The past and the future can live as one, sir.

- It can be quite an interesting combo.
- Really? How so?

- Play that song.
- All right.

♪ Eels up inside ya

♪ Finding an entrance where they can

♪ Eels up inside ya

♪ Finding an entrance where they can

♪ Boring through your mind,
through your tummy, through your anus,

♪ Eels

♪ Eels

♪ Eels, eels, eels, eels

♪ Eels, eels, eels, eels

♪ Eels, eels, eels, eels

♪ Eels, eels, eels

♪ Give it up now

♪ Eels, eels

♪ Give it up now

♪ Eels, eels

♪ I was obsolete,
I couldn't hear the beat

♪ Staggering about on me old man's feet

♪ I had one foot in the grave

♪ Eels, give it up now

♪ But now I'm new rave

♪ But now I'm new rave

♪ It's a mash-up

♪ A pie-and-mash up

♪ Elements of the past

♪ Eels, eels, give it up now

♪ And elements of the future

♪ Eels, eels

♪ Comin' at ya

♪ Eels, eels

♪ I'm the Hitcher

♪ Let me put you in the picture

♪ Eels up inside ya

♪ Finding an entrance where they can

♪ Eels up inside ya

♪ Finding an entrance where they can

Elements of the past and the future

combining to make something
not quite as good as either.

Oh, I've puked up on my own tentacle.

Oh, that is beautiful.
Well done, Tony. Well done.

It's not the booze, it's these stretch carpets.
They always turn me stomach.

- See you later, guys.
- (all) Bye.

- Where is your stomach?
- You don't know how I operate.

I've got five working stomachs.

I'm a higher being.

- Hey.
- Hey. How was your stag weekend?

- Oh, huge. I'm a monkey mess.
- How is everything? All right?

- Uh, fine.
- Yeah. It's all good.

Come on, Bollo, I need a Resolve.

Right. Stocktaking.

I'd love to help but I've got to go and meet
Leroy in the French Alps in his ski lodge.

I'll catch you later.

You little shit-box.

- It's not what you think.
- I'm gonna kill you.

It was just a joke.

Hello, son.

- Where do you think you're going?
- What?

- We've been after you.
- Who are you?

Student Loans.

- No.
- You're coming with us.

No! No!

No! Please! I've got so much to give!

(Hitcher) # Eels up inside ya

♪ Finding an entrance where they can

♪ Eels up inside ya

♪ Finding an entrance where they can

♪ Eels up inside ya

♪ Finding an entrance where they can

♪ Eels up inside ya

♪ Finding an entrance where they can

Elements of the past
and the future

combining to make something
not quite as good as either.