The Mighty Boosh (2003–2007): Season 2, Episode 6 - The Nightmare of Milky Joe - full transcript

Abandoned on a tropical island, feuding Vince and Howard invent a series of improbable coconut-based friends, lovers, and confidants in a vain effort to maintain their sanity, which rapidly culminates in a Hitchcock-esque dramatic ending.

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-You ready then, Vince?

-That's what you're wearing, is it?
-I thought I'd dress down for the journey.


Okay, guys, see you later.

-So when you getting back?
-We're not getting back! We're going to America.

US of A. Stateside.
We got a slot on the Pie Face Showcase.

This is our big break.

-I'll give them a week.

Once you've played Pie Face,
there's no coming back.

You go all the way, it's like a launch pad.
All the greats play Pie Face.

-Lee Mack.

-Steve Davis.
-They were all there.

I won't let your room just yet.



Take care, my good friend Vince.

Look after yourself.

Good luck.

Send me post card.

Ah, take care, Bollo. I'll never forget you.

We've had some crazy times here, haven't we?
See you.

See you, Harold.

-Oh, yeah.

Right. Well, we got a boat to catch
so we'd better get a wriggle on.

-Are you going by boat?
-That's the only way to arrive in the States.

Old Lady Liberty waving you in
as you sail on in up Pearl Harbor.

Like the settlers of old.

-He's scared of flying.
-Shut up.

Okay. Catch you on the flip side.

I got a bad feeling about this.


This is perfect.

It's your fault.
I mean, you're the one who wanted to go by boat.

Who goes by boat anyway? It's not the 1 920s.

It would've been all right, wouldn't it?

But you had to get in with the Captain, yeah?
Go and have a look at the bridge.

''Can I have a look through the front window?
Can I have a go on the wheel?''

You're just jealous
'cause he didn't ask you up there.

Why did you have to give him a haircut, Vince?

-It was just a trim. What's all the fuss about?
-It was a mullet.

-A mullet is a classic cut.
-On a 68-year-old sailor?

Look, his hair was lank, lifeless, you know.

I mean, it was awful.
It was niggling at me like a loose tooth.

-I had to go at it with my scissors.
-He was asleep.

I thought it'd be a nice little surprise for him.

He wakes up in the morning,
goes for a morning tinkle,

catches sight of himself, ''Whoa! Look at me!''

Oh, it was a surprise. He went mental.
He was like Ahab.

Got his harpoon out, started chasing me around.

Well, it would have grown out.
It was a bit of an overreaction.

I mean, who makes people walk the plank
in this day and age?

Well, who cuts people's hair
in the middle of the night?

I do. They call me The Midnight Barber.

Yeah, well,
that's an infringement of people's liberties.

-Is it?
-Yeah. So don't ever be doing that to me.

-I do do it to you.

Who do you think cuts your hair, Einstein?

-My hair just doesn't grow very fast.
-What, you think it stays that length naturally?

I'm in there in the night styling away.

How dare you do that to me in the night
when I'm oblivious?

I do my best work when you're oblivious.

I lean you up against the pillow and I go at you.

-That's perverted.
-If I didn't, you'd look like a Stig of the Dump.

You're a sick man, you know that?

It's all about context.

-I told him. I said to him, ''It's about context.''
-I know you did, when we were on the plank.

''Apologise or die.''
(IMITATING VINCE) ''It's all about context.''

But it is about context, you know.

Maybe on that ship he looked like a dickhead
in front of his mates,

but in the trendier parts of Plymouth
or Shoreditch,

he would have gone down like a genius.

Well, whatever. We're on a desert island now.

-We've got to stop blaming each other.

Okay, we've got to pool our resources.

Tweezers, matches, twine, geological hammer.
What have you got?

-Kings of Leon CD.
-Great, well that's useless, isn't it?

It's not useless, it's a blinding album.

Better than their first one,
and they came up with it really quickly.

Thanks, NME. It's useless to us
on a desert island though, isn't it?

Well, it does double up as a mirror.

Vince, there's more important things
than your reflection to worry about now.

What are we going to do, Howard?
This is a disaster.

Well, don't worry.

You're reckoning without one thing there.
You're with Howard Moon now.

How's that going to help?

Well, there'll be rescue boats
and search parties within the hour.

When Howard Moon disappears,
it's front page news, sir.

-Thanks, Bollo.

HOWARD: Day 44.

Time, eroding my sanity.

Wearing me down.

VINCE: Maybe a perm would look good.
I mean a loose one, obviously.


Howard, it's a boat.

-Right, we've got to try and signal it.

All right, I can create a kite...

-from leaves and twine.

We might be able to get it high enough
to be seen by the boat.

-All right.

-What about this though?
-That's even better.

-Keep doing that.

I'm going to build a fire.

-Oh, sorry.

Hey, Howard, I wouldn't bother if I was you.


It's just really small.


That was our last chance, Vince.

I'm so hungry. I haven't eaten for three weeks.

There's no food on this island, Howard.

What are we going to do?

-Maybe there is.
-There isn't. We've searched every crevice.

The situation's getting desperate now.
We have to play by a different set of rules.

If you see what I'm saying.

-Are you trying to come on to me?
-We can't both survive, Vince.

It's time.
It's time for you to offer yourself up to me.

You sure you're not trying to come on to me?

Offer yourself up to me now, Vincey.
Like a good boy.

No way! If anyone's offering anyone to anyone,
you should be offering yourself up to me.

I mean, there's no volume to me.
It'd be like eating a Scotch egg or a Twiglet.

If I eat you, it's like a Jacobean banquet.

I'm the writer. I should survive.

I could document it.
I could write about how noble you were,

offering yourself up to me at the last minute
for the good of mankind.

Yeah, but I could eat you
and I could have a go at writing something.

You can't spell.

Offer yourself up to me.

Hey, Howard.

Why don't we eat this guy?
He's made of eggs and sausages.

What? No way. I'm out of here.

-Breakfast Bob's gone now.

It's just me and you, there's no other way.

Get away from me, you brute.

Hey, Howard, check this out.



These things are amazing.
They taste exactly like Bountys.

Who'd have thought of that?

The chocolate's a bit weird, though.

It's like that cheap chocolate you get
in Advent calendars.

What you doing?

Writing the journal,

documenting the experience, Vince.

What for?

Well, so that future generations
will know what happened to us

and perhaps even be
a little bit inspired by my words.

Inspired to do what?

Wander about in a raggedy sort of Hawaiian shirt,
looking like Kris Kristofferson?

Can you keep it down, hmm? I'm on a roll here.

On a roll? You've only done two words.

Yeah, well, I'm carving it into some wood
with tweezers. Hmm?

Having some trouble with the O's.

You're not joking.
It's like the handwriting of a baboon.

You don't seem very concerned about our plight.

It's no plight.
The weather's nice, we've got food now.

It's all good. It's like a little beach holiday.

Oh, dear, dear, dear. You've fallen into the trap.

What, the trap of enjoying your life?

We've conquered the enemy of starvation, yes.

But now there's another enemy
waiting in the wings.

Old Father Time.

You can't escape Time.

He's in the ebbing of the tides,

he's in the waxing of the moon,

the erosion of the sand, he's in your very face.

-He's in your hair.
-He'd better not be in my hair. This took ages.

-There's no escaping him, Vince.
-I tell you now,

if he even goes near my hair, I'll kill him.

You can't kill Time.

Actually, that's quite good, killing Time.

Quite nice.

Time is an incredible subject for an artist,
Vince, you know.

I think it could be a novel.

Perhaps even a musical.

Really? But what are you actually doing?
I mean, what have you done?

-You want to hear it?

Cast adrift on an ocean of time.

When will I ever see your face?

-Whose face?
-Faces of the women I left behind, Vince.

What women?

The women who inspired me and whom I inspired
and whom I'll never see again.

Quite sad, really.

Only you, Howard, could be on a tropical paradise
and come up with something that bleak.

-What are you doing?
-I'll tell you what I'm doing.

I've made these, pal.

-What are those?
-Bamboo drainpipes.

-For the new wave castaway.
-The new wave castaway?

-I'm on the wrong island.

I'm thinking of selling them to pandas.

They could go clubbing and if they get hungry,
they'd double up as a snack.

Why are you wasting your time?
Making clothes that no one's ever going to see.

Well, at least I'm not whingeing on
about all the women's faces

I'm never going to see again
'cause I'm stranded on a desert island.

Oh, boo hoo. It's not a drastic change of affairs
for you, is it?

-What do you mean by that?
-Well, they weren't exactly clambering

-to get to you, were they, back at home?
-You've gone too far.

I'm drawing a line in the sand.

You stay that side, I'm staying this side.
That's final.

Fine, I'm going to go and build a hut.

-Oh, we're all building huts.

What out of?
All the trees are on my side of the island.

-Right, I'm redrawing the line.
-You said it was final.


Sorry, what you doing?
I think you'll find that's on my side.

I'm the moon. I quite like to....
I'm lonely in the moon.

But not lonely so much, but a loner,

a one who likes to do his own things.

I do quite like a bit of company

but I think for the moon
it's good to have your own space.

In space.

I've got my own space in space.




Oh, I slept like a dream.


How's it working out your side of the island?

Just fine, thank you.

Anyway, love to stop and chat,
got to go and get a few bits and pieces.

Thinking of knocking up a conservatory
this afternoon.

See you, then.

''Thinking of knocking up a conservatory.''

Who does he think he is?


HOWARD: Well, I mean obviously,
La Naus?e is good,

but I don't think he really got to grips

with the true existential crisis
in the way that Camus did.

Well, you may disagree,

but have you read The Outsider?
Obviously in the original.

What are you doing?

-Who are you talking to?

Without conversation, the mind withers, Vince.

-What about me?
-I'm talking about decent conversation.

It's what me and Milky Joe are all about here.

-Milky Joe?

Why is he dressed in that stripy tea towel?

He's French.

Can I join in?

The thing is, Vince, you and I,
we move in different circles now.

Oh, come on, Howard, I'm really bored.

It's an elite club, you know.
We talk about issues, heavyweight concepts, jazz.

-What are you trying to say?
-Well, you can't just waltz in.

What have you got to offer?
What are you bringing to the table, Vince?

Well, right off the bat, I'd say style.

-I could bring style to the group.

I've been working with natural fabrics
for a while now and I love transformations.

I mean, I could sort Milky Joe's hair out
for a start.

I mean, we could have matching outfits
when we debate.


I don't think it's going to work out, actually.

Sorry. Had a little chat and it's a no.

-You wankers!
-Oh, dear.

That is exactly the kind of rebellious attitude

that we cannot tolerate here
at the Coconut Lodge, Vince.

Well, I wouldn't want to be part of
your stupid Coconut Lodge anyway.

Sorry you had to see that, Milky Joe.

Anyway, what were you saying about Sartre?


Your architectural know-how
and my building skills....

Oh! I think we might just have ourselves
a home here, Milky Joe.

Yes, sir.

I tell you, I've learnt a couple of things
since I've been on this island, no mistake.

It's not where you are in this world, Milky Joe,

it's the company you keep.


Never thought I'd hear myself say this,
but I think I could be happy here.


Excuse me.

Come in.

-Who's this?
-None of your business.

Aren't you going to introduce me?

-This is Ruby.
-Ruby. That's a lovely name.

Very pleased to meet you. Howard Moon.
Don't get up.

-Nice, isn't she?
-Can I help you in any way?

Yeah, I was just wondering if you both

would care to join me and Milky Joe
this evening for a nightcap?

No, we're fine, thanks.

I've spruced up the hut a little bit actually.
Given it a bit of a makeover.

You might be interested in having
a look-see, both of you.

That sounds electric, but we'll take a rain check.

Um, can I have a word?


She's a corker, isn't she?

Yeah, she is.

Listen, I'm.... I just wanted to say sorry
about earlier and, um,

we've had a bit of a rethink and a revote
and we've decided that we would like to

formally invite you and young Ruby
to join the Coconut Lodge.

And this evening we've got a lecture on fossils.

It should be great fun.
We'd love you both to come along.

I don't think so. I mean, we've just met really.

Oh. What are you gonna do, then?

Well, we're gonna finish our dinner
and then maybe hit the beach, you know.

Have a romantic moonlight stroll.
See how it pans out.


She was giving me
quite a bit of attention in there.

-Old Ruby giving me the eye.

-Giving you the eye?

I made her eyes, I know which way
they're facing and it's my way.

All right.

-Now, hadn't you better run along?
-What do you mean?

Well, Milky Joe will be getting
his fossils out by now, won't he?

Sounds like a riot.

Seen this?

Shall we go and have a look?

Oh, hey, Vince. How are you?

Quite a sunset we're having.

Who's that?

Oh, right. You haven't met, have you?
This is Jemima.

This is Vince, this is Ruby.

Quite a looker, isn't she?

That's Milky Joe in a wig.

No, it isn't.

This is embarrassing.

Hmm? I know. What a loser.

That was a great idea.

I thought you were supposed to be an intellectual?

# All the things I'll never see

# All the things I'll never be

# All there is that's left for me

# Is here in this eternity

# Of isolation

# Isolation

# The cavalcade, the jamboree

# Of life I thought was meant for me

# I never dreamed that it would be

# Replaced by this eternity

# Of isolation

# Isolation

# All the things I'll never see

# All the things I'll never be

# All my hopes are memory

# All there is that's left for me is

# Isolation

# Isolation

# Isolation

# Isolation #

I can't believe this.
Where's he getting them from?

Hi there, Vince.

-What do you want?
-Who's this?

-Is it really?

Can I have a word please?

(SIGHING) Sorry about this, Ruby, Precious.

I'll only be a minute.

-Look, what do you want?
-Having fun, are you?

-Having a pretty good date actually.
-Oh, that's nice. Two of them, yeah?

-Two of us.

-What's your point?
-Oh, come on, Vince. You know what I'm saying.

-Put in a word for me with Precious.

-Look, Howard, it ain't gonna work like that.
-Oh, come on, why not?

I don't wanna take the wind out of your sails,
but it's not happening.

Why not?

'Cause me and Ruby are getting on
really well, okay?

-But the thing is, she's a bit kinky.

She wants to get Precious involved.

-Oh, you're joking!
-I'm an open-minded guy.

We're gonna have some punch
and head off down the beach. See what happens.

Maybe go for the coconut three-way.

What about me?

What about you? You've got Milky Joe.

-The man's an arse.
-Is he?

He's really boring.
He won't stop talking about Sartre.

Come on, please. And I really like her.

-All right, look, I'll have a word with her.

-But I can't promise anything, all right?
-That's fine.

Look, we're having dinner at 7:00 in my hut, yeah?

-Why don't you swing by?
-7:00. I'll be there.

Can you sort your outfit out?
Your leaves are well out of fashion.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-What's happening here?

I'll sort it out.

Okay. Make sure you do
'cause you look like Dave Lee Travis.

I'm all over it.

Hot date tonight, Milky Joe.

Oh, so I miss one lecture. I'll get notes.

You're gonna fail me?

Oh, shut up.




You already know Ruby.
And this is Precious Lilywhite.

Precious. It's a lovely name
for a lovely, lovely girl.

What's the matter? You ''shie''?

Get it? That's one of mine.

Coconut shie.

What you doing?
Do you think she's never heard that joke before?

I'm just a bit nervous. She's so beautiful.

-Do you think she's out of my league?
-Yeah, definitely.

-So you're gonna have to turn on the charm.
-Hey, I'm Howard Moon.

-You've seen what I can do.
-That's what I'm worried about.

Now, any of you girls interested
in the music of bebop?

I think I've written some of my best music here.

A tune I've actually composed
since I've been here called Isolation,

which I could probably....
I could sing a little bit of it now if you're....

-Maybe later, eh?
-Maybe later, yeah.

Maybe not at all.

Yeah, maybe later.

Yeah, I'm a multi-instrumentalist.

I can turn my hand to almost any instrument.

I've fashioned a flute here
with the help of Milky Joe.

And, um, it's a very haunting instrument,
the flute.


If you are a moon,
you don't have a mirror so you have to....

If you want to see your face,
you've got to have a little look in the rivers.

I had a look in there, I'm flipping beautiful.

I'm all handsome. I'm a smooth white moon.

And it's all.... I haven't got any eyebrows,

but I think that only gives me
a bit more of an edge.





Howard, what are you doing?
You're not even dressed.

We're having a big calypso party on the beach.

-Uh, yeah. I can't really come out right now.
-What? Why not?

You know.
Yeah, it's just Vince. Won't be a minute.

Oh, come on. Everyone's going to be there.
Even Milky Joe's put in an appearance.

-What's wrong with your eye?

I fell over.

-Has she been hitting you?

-Look, I could say something to her.
-Shh, keep your voice down.

She'd listen to me. I could just talk to her.

Just leave it. You'll only make it worse, all right?
I've got to put a shelf up. I'm sorry.

You've got to put a shelf up?

It's 1 1 :30 at night, we're having a party.
Just do it tomorrow morning.

Well, you know, I'll get in trouble, okay?

Howard, you've got to start standing up to her.

I did stand up to her
and this is what happened, okay?

-This is out of control. I'm gonna say something.
-Leave it, okay?

I'm really sorry, I've got to go. Coming.

Nice one, cheers mate.


Hey, what's your name?
Maybe we'll have a little dance later on.

Milky, you son of a bitch.
I got you a drink. There you go.

What are you doing?
Look at your pupils. Are you on pills?

You intellectuals, when you go, you really go.

Hey, Ruby, who's that over there?

Must be a gatecrasher. See you in a bit, yeah?

Serge, you getting all this?


What a party! You guys are amazing.
DJ, come on, let's get it thumping!


Ladies, you up for a little bit of limbo?

Oh, yeah, all right.

I'm doing it, okay?

Well, what's wrong with Vince exactly?

He's a good influence on me actually.
Him and Ruby, having fun together.

And what do we do all day? Put shelves up.

Can you back off? You're crowding me here.

Just give me some space.


Oh, no.

Me and Ruby have got a pretty open relationship

so you ladies are welcome
to come back to our hut later on.

-Hey, Howard.

Excuse me. I need to have a word.

I knew you'd come. Get yourself a cocktail, man.

I need to have a word now.

What's happened here?

Uh, I came back.
She must have fallen over. I don't know.

-What's that on your hands?
-It's nothing.

That looks like coconut milk to me.

It was an accident. You've got to help me.

All right, don't panic.
We've got to get rid of this body.

Howard, no one can find out about this.

-Thanks, Vince. Thanks. That's brilliant.
-It's okay.

So what are we going to tell Ruby, then?

I don't know. I'll think of something.
I'll say she built a raft and went on holiday.

Built a raft and went on holiday?
She's not gonna believe that.

They were best mates.
They used to go shopping together.

What do you want me to do?
You're the one who killed her.


Put your foot down.


They're gaining on us!

Does this thing go any faster?

I've got a stitch.



Silence in the court.

Howard Moon and Vince Noir,

you are hereby charged with the murder
of Precious Lilywhite.

Don't worry, Vince.
I've got a little something up my sleeve.

Call our first witness to the stand. Milky Joe.

Ah, you sly old rooster.

Come on, Milky.

(FRENCH ACCENT) From the first time
I saw him, I always knew he was a killer.

That's enough now, Milky.

He was a violent man.
You could see it in his eyes. A beast.

When I found out he killed his wife,
I was not surprised.

Shut it, Milky, now.

-His friend was violent, too.
-You don't even know me, you garlic twit.

If you ask me, they both did it.


Great. You got any more ideas?

I find you guilty on all counts of murder.
Take them away.

Roll up, roll up. Everyone's a winner.
The coconut shie.

?1 , that's all I'm asking.

Grease my cockney palm and you can
throw balls to your heart's content.

Knock their murdering smiles right off their faces.

I want to see twisted bone and meat
all over the back wall by the time I'm finished.



Looks like you were having yourselves
a coco nightmare.

What you talking about?

You're eating rancid coconuts.
Makes you coco loco.


Anyway, the ship is here. You'd better come along.

Hey, mate, you ever thought about
having layers put in your hair?

-Vince, no.
-Could I get a mullet?

-The mullet. I invented the mullet.


What are you doing back?
I thought you went to make your fortune?

Yeah, it didn't quite work out like that, did it?

-So you didn't do Pie Face Showcase, then?
-No, we didn't.

?1 0 please, Bollo.

BOLLO: Let's watch it anyway.

Welcome to the Pie Face Showcase.
Whoa, I made a rhyme.

My name's Bob Fossil.

I'm your host with the most.

We got a great act for you tonight.
You're going to love them. I love them.

My wife loves them, a little bit too much
if you know what I mean!

This is Milky Joe and the Coconuts.

# Isolation

# My name is Milky Joe

# I get the slow flow

# When I look around there ain't no where to go

# You drank the milk

# He said you coco loco

# You try to hide but I'm already inside

# Your mind

# Feel my coco beats

# Je m'appelle Joe de Lait

# Isolation

# Isolation #