The Mighty Boosh (2003–2007): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Legend of Old Gregg - full transcript

On what was intended to be a relaxing trip to the country, Howard is taken captive by local terror and legend, cave-dwelling part-fish, part-man cross-dressing (the exact ratios are unclear) Old Gregg.

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Come with us now
on a journey through time and space...

...to the world of The Mighty Boosh.

# The Mighty Boosh
# Come with us to the Mighty Boosh

# The Mighty Boosh
# Come with us to the Mighty Boosh #

(SIREN WAILING)

-All right.
-How did the gig go?

Oh, one of the best we've ever done, I reckon.

-Genius.
-Should have seen this guy.

Throwing shapes left, right and centre.
Never seen its equal.

Howard was on fire.
He was improvising like a mother bitch.

The crowd was going wild, Naboo.



At one point I got out a bassoon.
I've never even played one before.

-What's going on?
-It's probably just some kids mucking about.

-HOWARD: Yeah.
-There's one of your flyers attached.

There was one or two people at the gig

who didn't quite get into the spirit of things,
wasn't there?

There's 500 people out there.

-Is there?
-You'd better get out of here.

Okay, well, we'll see you in a couple of days.

You'd better make it a week.

(PEOPLE SHOUTING)

That was the worst gig in the history of music.

It wasn't that bad.
They just weren't ready for us, Vince.

Do you think we'll ever be allowed
back into the city?

Of course we will. We're pioneers.



Give them a bit of time to catch up
with what we're about,

then they'll welcome us back.

Have you seen this review?

Vince, we do not need the words
of reviewers to tell us what we're about.

Well, that's lucky,
'cause there's no words in this one.

It's just a picture of some sick
with our names underneath it.

They weren't ready
for what we were trying to do, Vince.

Let's just leave it there, let's move on.

Yeah, I wanted to ask you about that.
What exactly were you trying to do?

I was on fire, Vince, that's all you need to know.

On fire? You were leaping around
with a bassoon sellotaped to your head.

Yes, sir. That's the way I move.

When the hoodoo trance takes me,
that's the way I go.

-The hoodoo trance?
-Yeah, I was out there.

You looked like a jazz dalek.

I didn't know what I was doing, but it felt good.

Well, I don't know what it was either,
but I saw the crowd.

It was freaking people out.

A little too sexual perhaps. A little too sensual.

I've heard that before,
that my moves can be a bit too ripe for some.

Too ripe? It was like a supply teacher
at a drum and bass convention.

What?

I don't know how to tell you this, Howard,
but you're a bit white.

Who are you? Wesley Snipes?

(ANIMATED CHATTER)

I'll deal with this.

-Good evening, squire.
-What do you want?

I'll have a Flirtini, please.

What?

It's a kind of champagne cocktail
with pineapple in it and a little twist of lime.

You London types.

Coming up here with your balls all shiny.
Think you own the place.

Well, you don't own this place. Jeff does.

There'll be no Flirtinis here.

You'll drink what Jeff drinks,
a simple, honest fisherman's drink.

Great, we'll have a couple of those then, thanks.

Two maggot ciders.

-I'm a little bit peckish. Have you got any olives?
-No.

-Hummus?
-No.

-Stuffed vine leaves?
-No.

-Do you have any crudit?s at all?
-You'll eat what Jeff eats.

A simple curry with
a couple of naan bread on the side.

-Garlic naan?
-Aye.

Great. Well, we'll be over here.

Two maggot bhunas.

It's a bit weird in here, isn't it?

Not weird. Just different.

You know, you got to get used to it.
You've got to lose your city eyes and adapt.

This place could be good for us, you know.

Get out of town, recharge our batteries,

have some new ideas,
maybe even write a couple of new songs, eh?

Pardon me, I couldn't help overhearing.
You two creative types?

We're in a band. Who are you?

-I'm Ramsey.
-Ramsey. Howard Moon.

I love your hair. What's that about?

It's your basic backcombed structure.

Slightly root boosted framing a cheeky fringe.

Nice.

Two bhunas with garlic naan.

Colin.

-Ramsey.
-What do you do?

I'm a local artist.

I put shells on things. You know, like cups

and telephone books,

and shoes.

-Cool.
-There's not too much money in it, though.

-Really?
-So what are you two doing out here?

Well, we hit a bit of a creative block there,
back in London,

so we thought we'd take a break
from the music scene and head out here.

Chill out, you know, kick back.

Whenever I hit a creative drought,

I go fishing out on Black Lake.

-Yeah?
-Yeah, with the wind in your hair

and the water flowing. It's perfect for inspiration.

That sounds great. We could do that tomorrow.

Let me let you in on a little secret. Gather round.

Not you, naan bread.

The best time to go out on Black Lake
is right now.

When the moon is full.

You and your lady friend can have
a special time together.

I'll even give you a discount. ?40.

It's a deal.

The boat's tied outside on the jetty.
Listen, I've got to go, the wife's here.

Ramsey?

I'm coming, Matilda. Bye.

HOWARD: This is more like it.

(INHALING DEEPLY)

I think that Ramsey guy was right, you know.
I'm feeling myself unwind out here.

Feeling my batteries start to recharge.

Yeah, I love fishing.

Don't get your expectations up though, Vince.

It took me three months of solid fishing
before I even caught my first fish.

It's all about relaxing and letting go.

Sorry, what were you saying?

It's about patience, you know,
and getting into that Zen state,

wherein, the catching of a fish is unimportant.

(FISHING REEL WHIRRING)

Are you sure you've never been fishing before?

No, it's great. It's really easy.

-What are you using as bait?
-Well, I was using these signed press shots.

But, you know, I've given up on bait now.

It's ridiculous,
they're just throwing themselves at me.

Watch this. Come on.

And you.

The thing you don't understand about fishing,
Vince, right...

is it's not actually about catching fish.

-I think it is.
-That's a common mistake.

It's about everything else except that.

It's about the ebb and flow of life,
the dancing wheel of chance.

That's not fishing, that's just thinking about stuff.

Yeah, well, anyone can catch a fish, Vince.

Apart from you.

Well, it's early days yet, yeah? We'll see.

# He's so bright and milky white

# Shining down upon the ground

# He's so bright, milky white

# Shining down upon the ground

# Everybody look at the moon

# Everybody seeing the moon

# The moon is bright, he's milky white
Everybody look at the moon #

Hey!

I did a song.

Jupiter, I did a song. You ain't got one.

(LAUGHING) Yeah!

Oh, I feel sick.

-VINCE: I'm bored.
-What do you mean, you're bored?

-Haven't you caught anything yet?
-No, I haven't.

I'm not leaving this lake
until I catch at least one fish.

-Have one of mine.
-I don't want one of yours.

You know why you haven't caught anything yet,
don't you?

-Why?
-You know the old fisherman saying.

If you're too white, the fish don't bite.

Listen, Morgan Freeman,

why don't you head back to dry land
and leave me some fish to catch.

Oh, yeah, what, am I going to walk on water?

Emergency dinghy.

Fine, I will.

Oh, I've gone into the future.

Ain't there a foot pump in here?

Oh, yeah, here it is.

Oh, thanks a lot.

# I'd rather kiss a fish, a fish, a fish

# Than a fisherman's wife

# I'd rather kiss a fish, a fish, a fish

# Than a fisherman's wife

# I'd rather get off with a clam tonight

# Than get off with a fisherman's wife

# I'd rather get off with a clam tonight

# And be happy for the rest of my life #

-Hello, Vince.
-All right.

-You catch all them yourself, boy?
-Yeah.

A true fisherman. See, fellas?

A toast to the young man.

Flirtinis all round.

# He caught a fish upon the lake

# And came into this pub #

They improvise all that, you know, Vince.

-Really?
-Come sit yourself down, boy.

What's your name, boy boy?

-Vince.
-Vince?

Good strong fisherman's name.

Vince is Icelandic for hook, you know.

-Really?
-Aye.

-There's your Flirtini.
-Oh, cheers, mate.

-Pipe?
-Yeah, why not?

-Beard?
-I'm fine, thanks.

-Colin.
-Lucien.

How did you come by these fish then,
boy, sonny Jim, laddie, boy?

Oh, you know, just dangled my rod
over the edge of the boat and just....

No, no, no, no, no.

You got to set the scene, spin the yarn.
That's what fishing's about.

It isn't about fishing,
we ain't been fishing for years now.

Old Neville over there, he's never been fishing.

It's about telling the tales.

Oh, I get you. Right, watch this.

It was a dark night.

# It was a dark night #

Aye, that's more like it, son.

And the moon was full.

# The moon was full #

Ha-ha! I'm feeling rigid.

I was out on Black Lake.

(URINE FLOWING)

What did you say, boy?

Black Lake.

(URINE FLOWING)

Just going to go...change the barrel.

You should never go out on Black Lake
when the moon be full.

-Why?
-Because there's something out there.

Something evil.

Something that goes by the name of Old Gregg.

-Who?
-Old Gregg.

Legendary fish. Some say he's half man, half fish.

Other's say it's more of a 70-30 split.

Whatever the percentage, he's one fishy bastard.

Some say he's a ghost.
Can't catch what don't exist.

Hook goes right through him.

Some say he's acquired the taste of human meat.

Won't respond to conventional bait.

Only way to hook him is to use a child's toe.

Some say Old Gregg is like a big fishfinger,

but big like...

like a garage, as big as a garage.

Imagine a fishfinger
when you can see it as big as a garage.

Ooh! It's enorm, it's a big one, like that.

Ah! I've got something.

I've got something!

Come to Papa Moon.

That's it, come on.

(GRUNTING)

(JOLTING)

(WATER LAPPING)

Hi, there.

-Who are you?
-I'm Old Gregg.

Pleased to meet you.

What do you want?

Maybe I should ask you the same question.

What you doing in my waters?

Just taking the air, you know. Not fishing.

Well, then how come this hook's in my head, fool?

It's nothing to do with me, sir.

It's attached to your rod, mother licker.

Don't kill me, I've got so much to give.

Easy now, fuzzy little man peach.

You ever drunk Baileys from a shoe?

What?

Do you want to come to a club
where people wee on each other?

-No.
-I'm going to hurt you.

-Excuse me?
-I like you. What do you think of me?

-I don't rightly know, sir.
-Make an assessment.

I think you're a nice, modern gentleman.

-Don't lie to me, boy.
-I'm not lying.

I know what you're thinking.

Here comes Old Gregg, he's a scaly man-fish.

You don't know me. You don't know what I got.

I got something to show you.
You know what that is?

That's Old Gregg's vagina.

I got a mangina.

(ECHOING) I'm Old Gregg!

I found this washed up on the shore.

That's Howard's hat.

There's no mistaking this.
This is the work of Old Gregg.

-How do you know?
-He left his business card.

Do you think he'll be all right?

Well, I'll let the boys explain that
in the form of a song.

# He's dead, he's dead, he's dead, he's dead

# Dead #

Only one man survived an encounter
with Old Gregg and lived to tell the tale.

And that's Mr Hopkins over there.

-Well, I'm going to go and ask him about it.
-You're welcome to try.

Excuse me, when you actually met Old Gregg,
what was that like?

This is useless,
I'm going to have to sort this out myself.

(PHONE RINGING)

Got a bad feeling about this.

Pass it here.

-Hello.
-VINCE: Hey, Naboo, how are you?

-What do you want?
-Nothing. Just thought I'd phone up for a chat.

It's been great, we've been fishing.
I caught loads, yeah.

Met some interesting local types.

Oh, it's been a right laugh.

-So what do you want?
-Nothing. I just thought I'd phone up,

you know, a little catch up.

-Nothing else?
-No.

-All right, I'll see you later, then.
-Naboo.

There was just one small thing.

Here we go.

Howard might have been abducted
by a sea monster.

I don't believe this.

-You couldn't help us out, could you?
-All right.

Look, stay where you are,
I'll be there in about half an hour.

Oh, cheers, Naboo, you're a diamond.

Bollo, get the submarine out of the loft, will you?

Underneath the Christmas tree.

What's happening?

(ECHOING) I'm Old Gregg.

What?

I'm Old Gregg.

Where am I?

Gregg's place.

You've been asleep. Do you want a little drinkie?

I'll get you a drink.

(SPLASHING)

Do you like Baileys? Hm, creamy.

It's all c-cream and beige.

Delicious.

Do you like Old Gregg's place?

I got all things that are good.

You've done some nice things with it.

It's got this. This is good.

-That's nice.
-You can have it.

I'm fine, thanks.

I'll keep it here for you.

Well, is this the way out?

Erm...I better be scooting.

-Hm?
-Got meetings,

and a friend of mine's waiting for me
so perhaps I should be....

Why are you going?
We got everything we need here.

We got Baileys, creamy, and everything we need.

-I'll get you another Baileys.
-I'm fine.

-Thanks.
-I do watercolours.

-Do you?
-Let me show you something.

I call that one Old Gregg.

I did and that one, I call that one Old Gregg.

And this one, do you know what I call that one?

-Old Gregg?
-Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

I got some more. I got these two.
That one's Baileys.

And that one's Baileys, but a bit bigger.

And that one's as close as you can get
to Baileys without your eyes getting wet.

Hm, that is quite a portfolio
you've got going on there.

But I really should be heading off,
so it's been good.

We could do some watercolours together.
You and I.

Well, that sounds like great fun.
Let's do it in the week then, Gregg.

What do you mean?

-Well, are you free Thursday at all?
-Why can't we do it now?

Well, you know, I'm a busy man, Gregg.

You know, I've got things to do.
Howard Moon, man about town.

Do you love me?

Oh, dear.

Do you love me?

Umm...

going to have to pretend I didn't hear that, Gregg.

Do you think you could ever love me?

It doesn't really work like that, Gregg.

How does it work? Tell me how it works.

Well, you get to know someone,
you hang out, you...

see where that goes, this, that, the other.

Eventually, you know....
I don't know you.

You know me. What about the boat times?

That wasn't really a time, was it, Gregg?

That was more of just an exposure.

That was our first date, hm?

You pulled me up with your strong arms.

Oh, dear. Look, Gregg, I don't know you.

Oh, you know me, you seen my downstairs mix-up.

Yeah. I didn't ask to see that, did I?

What did it mean to you to see that?

-Did it mean you love me?
-No, it didn't.

-Could you learn to love me?
-No, I couldn't. I don't love you.

-You do love me.
-No, I don't.

-You do love me.
-No, I don't.

You love me and you've seen me
and you know me. I'm Old Gregg.

Yeah, I know you are.
You've told me 89 times now.

You must love me exactly as I love you.

Well, I don't love you. And to be honest,
you're starting to get on my nerves a bit now.

If anything, I find you slightly pathetic.
So deal with that.

Maybe I will deal with it.

Maybe I'll deal with it
the way I dealt with Curly Jefferson.

You know what, Gregg, maybe I was being
a bit hasty there when I said I didn't love you.

Perhaps now, in this light,
with you in the tutu and the...

water playing off your seaweed.

Maybe I could love you.

Maybe I was lying because when
you do love someone, sometimes you...

say you don't because you're playing hard to get,

-playing a game.
-Games?

-Yeah, I was just playing a game with you.
-Love games?

That's right, love games, Gregg.

Love games?

# Do you love me?

# Are you playing your love games with me?

# I just wanna know what to do
'cause I need your love a lot

# Oh, come on now

# Do you love me?

# Are you playing your love games with me?

# I just wanna know what to do
'cause I need your love a lot

# Oh, come on now

# Moving too fast, this isn't a race, hmm

# Baby back off and lower the pace now

# Slow it down and give me some space

# Moving too fast, this isn't a race

# Do you love me?

# Are you playing your love games with me?

# I just wanna know what to do
'cause I need your love a lot

# Come on now

# Moving too fast, this isn't a race, hmm

# Will you back off and lower the pace now?

# Slow it down and give me some space

# Moving too fast, this isn't a race

# I'm Old Gregg
# I know, I think you said

# Come on, don't make me beg now
'cause I'm not your regular guy

# Don't be shy
Do you love me? #

(BEEPING)

Can you open a window? I can't breathe in here.

It's a submarine, you idiot.

How are we ever going to find
this underwater sea cave?

-Look, don't worry. Captain Bollo's on the case.
-Is he?

You getting any readings, Bollo?

(MUMBLING)

He's playing Pac-Man.

I'll sort this out. What you doing, Bollo?

-Oh, shift over, I'm good at this bit.
-Get the apple, get the apple.

The ghost is in the way.

Hello? We're supposed to be rescuing Howard.
Go back for the cherry.

Go back for the cherries.

Well, you've put on a nice spread, Gregg.

-I did home economics.
-Really.

I got an A plus. I did a crumble.

The teacher said mine was the best one.

Well, I'm very pleased for you.

You don't look happy, Howard.

You're picking up on that, are you?

I could make you happy, Howard,
if only you'd let me.

-Oh, not another watercolour.
-You a musician, yeah?

-Yes, I am.
-But you ain't very good, are you?

I'm one of the best in town.

Come on, I read your reviews.
You know what your problem is?

-What?
-You ain't got the funk.

You're all rigid. You're like a bread stick.

You've got no rhythm.

Yeah, I've heard all this sort of stuff before,
thank you.

Well, maybe I can help you. I got the funk.

Yeah, I know, you're very funky, Gregg.

No, no, you don't understand.
I mean, I got the funk, right here.

It's in this box.

You see, the funk is a living creature,
about the size of a medicine ball,

but covered in teats.

(PURRING)

Came from another planet
and landed on Bootsy Collins' house.

Back then Bootsy was a simple farmer,

but he took one look at all those
mauve titties and he lost his mind.

He began to milk the funk.

BOOTSY: Shit, this ball
producing some sweet cream.

GREGG: Made himself a funk shake.

Praise the Lord.

GREGG: He began to feel fizzy inside.
He found he could see round corners.

What the....

Suddenly, he passed out.

But when he came to, baby,
he was slapping the bass guitar fast and loose

like some kind of delirious funky priest.

BOOTSY: Oh, yeah.

Two months later,
he was world famous with his band Parliament

and everybody wanted a piece of the funk.

Rick Wakeman, even the Bee Gees.

BEE GEES: # Oh, give me that funky milk #

One day, Parliament were travelling on
the mother ship, fooling around with the funk...

Pass it over.

...when George Clinton
kicked the funk clean overboard.

Ow!

Oh, man!

That was july the second, 1 9 79.

The day the funk died.

Two weeks later,
I found the funk in bed with a conger eel.

Oh, I've been rumbled.

At first, I thought it was a sea anemone,
but under closer inspection,

I realised it was a funky ball of tits
from outer space.

I offered to take him back to Parliament,
but he said he was done with that shit

and that they never listened to him anyway
and were only interested in his funky produce.

So I let him live down here with me in this cave.

That was a nice story, Gregg.

What's it got to do with
making me happy, exactly?

I've got a proposition for you.

We could take the funk,
make ourselves some tasty shakes.

Travel the world in a band. We'd become famous.
We'd be the family funk.

What? And we can get out on dry land
and get out of this place?

-Yes, sir.
-Well, let's do it. Let's move, come on.

-Okay.
-Let's do it.

-Just one condition.
-What?

That you take my sweet hand in marriage.

-Oh, God.
-Think about it, Howard.

Funky freedom for marriage.
You get what you want,

Old Gregg gets what he wants.

A strong man to hold me at night
when it's raining outside.

We can get out of this cave forever?

You bet your life. Do you accept?

I do.

Great. You've made me very happy.

Old Gregg's going to pick himself out
a nice wedding dress.

That's right, crack open a fresh Baileys.
I'm Old Gregg.

(PURRING)

Howard!

(PURRING)

Hey, Howard!

-Oh, thank God!
-Quick, get in.

Just a minute.

HOWARD: Naboo,
I didn't know you had one of these.

-Yeah, I got it second-hand.
-Nice.

What's in that box?

This, my friend, is something
that's going to put us back on the musical map.

Right, full steam ahead.

# We got the funk

# We've got that underwater funk

# We've got the funk

# Forget the P-Funk, we got the sea funk

# Funk

# Funk

# Funk

# We got the funk

# We've got that underwater funk

# We've got the funk

# Forget the P-Funk, we got the sea funk

# We got the funk

# We've got that underwater funk

# We've got the funk

(SCREAMING)

# ...we've got the sea funk

# We got the funk

# We've got that underwater funk

# We've got the funk

# Forget the P-Funk, we got the sea funk

# We got the funk

# We've got that underwater funk

# We've got the funk

# Forget the P-Funk, we've got the sea funk #

-Pretty good gig, eh?
-Yeah.

-We're going to bring the funk back to London.
-Nothing can stop us now.

I'm Old Gregg!

I've got a mangina.

# We got the funk

# Forget the P-Funk, we've got the sea funk

# We've got the funk

# The underwater funk

# We've got the funk

# Forget the P-Funk, we've got the sea funk #