The Mighty Boosh (2003–2007): Season 3, Episode 2 - Journey to the Centre of the Punk - full transcript

Vince is infected by a rogue Jazz virus, and it's up to the only person who knows Jazz and Vince well to reluctantly save him, "Fantastic Voyage"-style

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
(Howard) Come with us now
on a journey through time and space.

(Vince) To the world of
"The Mighty Boosh".

♪ "The Mighty Boosh"

♪ Come with us to
"The Mighty Boosh"

♪ "The Mighty Boosh"

♪ Come with us to
"The Mighty Boosh"

Ooh, now. Hello, Nelly.

Mm-mm, Lady Vinyl.
Ow, chicka-chicka.

- All right, what is it?
- Oh, what? This?

Yeah, this is only the most valuable
jazz record in existence.

- Voodoo Scat by Howling Jimmy Jeferson.
- Why's it in its own house?

It's hermetically sealed, Vince,
in air from the 1950s.

I've been saving 20 years for this
and it's finally arrived.

- Go on, then, put it on.
- You don't play records like this.

You'll widen the grooves, lower the value.
No, no.

This is the only one -
handmade by Howling Jimmy himself.

- Who?
- Howling Jimmy Jeferson,

the inventor of jazz scat singing.

Oh, scat! Out of all the aspects of jazz, scat
has got to be the worst, the main ofender.

- You don't know what it is, do you?
- Not really, but when it comes on, I go red.

Yeah. Let me demonstrate to you a little bit
of the power of jazz scat singing.

♪ Jooby-do-bop,
voo-voo-voo-voo, va

♪ Bow-voo-doo-boo-boo,
bap-a-doo-ju-ju, jooby-do-boo

♪ Do-do-do-do, ba!

♪ Ba-ba-bow, ju-ba-ba-bow

Oh, I've got to get away from you.
You're a freak. I can feel myself going red.

- Pick that up, would you?
- Pick what up?

- Pick up the paperclip.
- It's just a paperclip.

Paperclips live in
the paperclip tray.

Blu Tack lives in the Blu Tack garden,
Sellotape upon the Sellotape tree.

- Sellotape tree?
- The stickier the tape, the higher the branch.

It's a simple system. Everything has
its own place in Stationery Village.

(bell rings)

(conductor) All change, please.
Paperclip Castle.

- You are so anal, Howard.
- Less of the backchat. Pick up the clip.

I don't pick stuf up,
I knock stuf down.

- Where's all this coming from?
- It's from deep within. I'm a punk now.

- A punk? Is that what that's about?
- Yeah. Check out my outfit.

In fact, check this out.
It is genius.

Is that one of my safety pins? It should be
tucked away in Safety Pin Cottage.

It's not one of yours.
I got this at Camden.

This is the original pin
Sid Vicious wore through his nose.

- It's got stuf on it.
- It's full of punk diseases.

Whoa, loads of hepatitis C on it.

- Don't do that. Oi, back of!
- Whoa.

Imagine it went into your jazz bones.
You would crumble like Ryvita.

First you're a new-raver, then you're a mod.
You're flicking about on the breeze of fashion.

- Yeah? Well, I'm a punk now, all right?
- Oh, really?

- And I'm angry.
- What about?

- About stuf.
- What stuf?

- All the stuf that's going on.
- All stuf? Like what?

- Government. Climate change.
- Climate change?

It's getting hot, Howard.

And that makes your hair
more dificult to straighten?

- That and it's a bit clammy.
- I'm angrier than you.

- I know you are, but you turn it in on yourself.
- No, I don't.

Yes, you do. I've seen you in the hallway
giving yourself a Chinese burn. Hm?

- I project my anger out in the form of poetry.
- You're a punk poet as well?

I'm lead singer of Terminal Margaret.

- Never heard of you.
- You will do in two days. They're coming now.

Don't be showing them Stationery Village now
you've sectioned it of cos that is well creepy.

Organised stationery
means good business.

While we're at it, where's Pritt Stick three?
I put that in my holster this morning.

Cool your boots.
I borrowed it. I'll give it back to you.

I see. You're a punk,
so now you're glue-snifing. Well done.

I'm not glue-snifing. I'm making a scrapbook
of my favourite punks.

Check it out.


- It's quite nice.
- You should do a jazz one.

- I might do.
- My mates are gonna be here any second.

- You should nick of round the back.
- I'm not nipping of round the back.

- If they see you, they are gonna kick of.
- I'll glue their mouth shut.

I'm the sherif of Stationery Village.

- Hey, Vince.
- Hey, guys. How are you?

- Ooh!
- That's a good joke.

- You all set for tonight, mate?
- I thought we could wear bondage trousers.

- Yeah, great.
- Pretty punk, yeah.

- Could you not do that? It's a valuable piano.
- Fuck of, mate.

Oi, Vince,
who's the geography teacher?

Oh, yeah,
this is my mate Howard.

- This is Micky Jizz.
- Hi, Micky.

Jackie Jerk-of,
and Dick and Donnie Brain Damage.

- Yeah, that goes there.
- It can go there, though, can't it?

It can, but it doesn't.

- Have you tried this?
- I did try it, but I didn't like it so I left it there.

- Try again.
- This is Stationery Village.

You don't have a passport so vacate.

I wouldn't wanna live there, anyway.
Nor would Mr Pen.

- He doesn't live down there, does he?
- Look, this record's in its own house.

No, don't lick that, please.

- Why's it in a little house?
- It's valuable. Put it back.

- What if I wanna buy it?
- If you had a thousand euros.

Somehow, I don't think you do have.

- I've changed my mind.
- It's too late.

- Who is this guy?
- He's with us. He's making a documentary.

- Ignore me, I'm not here.
- Stop doing that, please.

- I'm not really here.
- No, no!

- Could it fly?
- It's in the modern air!

- Whatever.
- It should be in its special house.

- (cheering)
- Vince, smash it!

- It is quite expensive.
- Vince, Vince.

- Break it!
- (all chant) Do it! Do it! Do it!

Do it! Do it!

- (all cheer)
- Nooooo!

- Ha ha!
- Fucking wicked footage.

(Micky) Let's go and eat something else!

- Hey, can you sign this, please?
- What is it?

- It's the release form for the documentary.
- Oh, yeah, OK.

Cheers. Knob.

I went to a dinner party
for all of the planets,

and Uranus, he knocked up
a spaghetti Bolognese.

But what happened was
there wasn't any Parmesan,

and I said,
"I'm the Moon, I'm made of cheese."

"Why don't you grate of
a portion of me head?"

And they did.
And it tasted of baby sick.

- So what's the diagnosis, Lester?
- It's critical, Howard.

There's definitely a piece missing.

It amazes me how you manage to do that
with the sense of touch alone.

Well, you know, when one sense diminishes,
the other increases.

You know, Shaolin monks train blindfold.

They can catch a fly in midair with chopsticks,
just by feeling the vibrations.

Everything's vibrations, Howard.
Like music.

Here, let me demonstrate.
Throw me that spanner, Howard.

Don't be shy, now.
Throw it at me hard.

Throw me another one.

One more time.

Now let's go get
the missing piece of that record.

- That's the closet, Lester.
- Oh, yeah.


We're Terminal Margaret and this one's
called "I Did A Shit On Your Mum".

One, two, three, four!

♪ I did a shit on your mum,
I did a shit on your mum

♪ I did a shit on your mum
and she rather liked it

♪ I did a shit on your dad,
I did a shit on your dad

♪ I did a shit on your dad
and he rather like it

♪ I did a shit on your shit,
I did a shit on your shit

♪ I did a shit on your shit

♪ Irony completed

Just ignore me, I'm not here!

I can't find it.

- You bring that rocking chair with you?
- It's a foldaway. I take it everywhere.

- Yeah, well, I don't know where it is.
- Problem is, you can't see for looking.

Put your eyes to bed
and wake up Mr Feel and Mrs Smell.

Close your eyes,
breathe in and listen.


That's some funny stuf there,
Lester, thanks.

I'm just an old man
having a slice of fun pie.

You're not helping anything, OK? Vince
bit into it here so the piece should be here.

Maybe he swallowed it.

(trombone riff)

- That's not helping.
- Oh, sorry, Howard.

(blows trombone)

I'm done now.

♪ Boo-boop, boo-boop, boo

♪ Scibby-dabby-dooby,

- What's going on?
- (Vince continues scatting)


I thought he was gonna be
the future of punk.

Should've checked him out
before you got that done.

- I'm gonna kill Vince.
- Get of!

Oi, Vince! Is this a joke?!

What the fuck were you playing at?
You made us look like dicks.

- I'm gonna kill him!
- Everyone calm down. No need to get violent.

- What are you gonna do about it, Aladdin?
- Nothing, but have you met my mate Bollo?




- Get him!
- Grab him, Bollo!

My battery's run out.
Can you do it again?


Stop him! Faster, boys!

♪ Skoo-bop, dooby-doo

- How's he getting away?!
- It's these trousers.

- The straps are just too tight.
- Come back!

Come back, you...!

- There's something wrong with Vince.
- Yeah? Good.

There's something really wrong.
He's talking gibberish.

♪ Ji-bop, deeby-da-boo

That's not gibberish,
that's scat singing.

- I speak scat.
- What's he saying?

♪ Bee-ba-bop-bejit,

♪ Scooby-doo-bap,

♪ Babba-dabba-poppa,

♪ Chicka-boppa,
hoop-tappa, him-pahoo

♪ Skeepa-ba-ba,

♪ To-pa-bop-to-we,
boum-boum, voo-pa

♪ Bo-ba-bo-ba-boum

- He's saying he did eat a piece of that record.
- # Sibba-dagger-do

- And it's poisoned him.
- What was the name of that record again?

Voodoo Scat
by Howling Jimmy Jeferson.

- Uh, Lester...
- What?

- Your rocking chair's on my foot.
- Sorry. I think I know what's happening here.

Let me tell you the tale.
Gather round.

Not you, Extreme Sports Calendar.

A long time ago,
before people had webbed knees,

there was a jazz musician
that lived by the swamps of Mississippi.

He went by the name
of Howling Jimmy Jefferson.

And he liked to eat rattlesnakes on toast
and use crocodiles as taxi cabs.

You're going the wrong way.

One day, he contracted
a strange swamp fever

and his hands became see-through
and he knew he was gonna die.

My fingers are gone.

He wanted his music to live on,
so he contacted a local voodoo priest

called Tiny Robert.

He performed a strange ritual
on his king-size deathbed,

mixing a drop of Jimmy's blood
with his final recording - "Voodoo Scat".

Jimmy died and Tiny Robert got ball cancer,
but spotted it early and had it removed

and it was all fine.

There's a lesson in that for everyone -
check your balls.

(man) Twice a week.

So after Vince ate that record,

the blood of Howling Jimmy
must've crawled up inside him.

It's turning everything
that was Vince into jazz.

- Vince hates jazz. He's allergic to it.
- # Boo-doo-ba-boo

He heard Weather Report
and his neck went big.

If we'd known sooner,
we could've counteracted the jazz virus -

couple of Stooges singles, the Ramones box
set - but it's in his bloodstream now.

- Is there anything we can do?
- Maybe there is.

It's a long shot.
I'll need your help.

Boots does a late opening on Thursdays.
I could nip down there.

It's more complicated than that. We need
to shrink someone to a molecular level,

inject him into Vince's bloodstream
using a miniature submarine.

- Here we go.
- Someone who knows Vince inside out.

- Mm-hm.
- And has an encyclopedic knowledge of jazz.

- There's a surprise.
- I can't go in there, I've got asthma.

- Not you, Bollo, you ball bag.
- Look, he ate that record. It serves him right.

- He's gonna die, Howard.
- I can't go in there, OK? I mean, I'm busy.

Stationery Village needs a total rethink,

and then there's Lester, who is basically an
invalid, and I need to walk him home, don't I?

We are going in, Howard!

There is no way I am going inside there.
It's suicide.

Come on, Howard. We're both old.
We're at the end of our natural-born lives.

Uh, I have 40 years ahead of me
of vibrant sexual dynamism, sir.

(chuckles) That's why I hang out with you,
you crack me up!

Come on, unless someone wants to make
Cocoon V, we are finished.

Come on, let's g-g-g-go!

- (Naboo) Diving suits?
- (both) Check.

- Rocking chair?
- Check.

- Harpoon?
- Check.

Be careful, that's a lethal toxic-tipped
harpoon loaded with anti-jazz.

Plunge it into the nucleus of the jazz cell.
Kill it dead.

Checkity ass,
kiddly-diddly check!

Last but not least,
Bollo's made you a packed lunch.

- Thank you, my furry brother.
- Right, it's shrinking time.

- (loud) Howard, head for the brain.
- Bit quieter, Naboo.

Sorry. Head for the brain.
Get there before the jazz virus does.

Good luck.

- Dr Bollo.
- Dr Naboo.

(Lester) You're gonna have to be my eyes
on this mission, Howard.

See that dial over there?
Turn it to four, please.

- Check.
- Now check the bathyscope.

- What is a bathyscope?
- That big screen there in the middle.

- OK.
- How many atmospheres?

- Seven.
- Ooh, doggy, that's good.

Now, hit that red button there on the left.


That's the milk for
the cofee machine, doofus!

Yeah, the laughs don't stop coming with you,
do they, Lester?

- All right, Vince?
- Whatcha, Vince?

- All right, Vince?
- All right, Vince, how's it going?

Hey, tiny red blood cell.
Come over here a minute.

- All right?
- Wanna get yourself a free Topshop voucher?

- Yeah, that'd be genius.
- Over here.

That's right.
(evil laugh)

Take that, you tiny bitch!
Take it! Drink it down!

Flipping hell, what have you gone
and done that for? That's really hurt.

(evil laugh)

- You, come over here.
- Hello. All right?

I got a free can of hairspray
round the corner, you interested?

Oh, I do like hairspray.
I'll take that of your hands.

(evil laugh)

You know Shaolin monks can read tea leaves
with their toenails?

- Yeah, Lester, can you shut up, please?
- All right.

(all) Halt!

- What is that, Lester?
- Vince's immune system coming to attack.

(all) You shall not pass!

We're on a mission from Naboo.
We need to get to the brain.

(all) You shall not pass!

You gotta get out there
and reason with them.

I packed the harpoon just in case
that bastard jazz cell turns up.

Don't worry, I got your back.
If you need help, just nod.

- Aren't you blind?
- Well, when one sense diminishes, the...

I'll use the walkie-talkie.

- (all) Who are you?
- I'm Howard Moon. I'm here to help you.

Something is killing us.
It is you. You will die!

It's not us. We're here to help. There's a rogue
jazz cell attacking you, we're here to kill it.

- (all) Oh, jazz!
- We hate jazz! Curiosity Killed the Cat.

That's not jazz,
that's a pale imitation of true bebop.

- Ooh!
- You must help us find the jazz cell.

- We will never help you.
- We will dissolve you like a bath bomb.

- Prepare for the dissolving!
- No.

Run the bath!
The bath of pain!

- Lester, get me out of here!
- Don't worry, Howard. I got your back.

What are they doing?
They're going backwards towards his big toe.

Oh, shit!

- Die! Die!
- We hate you. We will destroy you.

- Give me a chance. Lead me to the brain.
- We will never help you.

- What if I give you sweets?
- We will help you.

No! We will not help him!

- Not even for liquorice bootlaces?
- No! We will protect Vince!

- We are Vince.
- We are all Vince.

- I'm not.
- What? Who are you, then?

- Uh, Roger Black.
- He's an athlete, you idiot.

- I am quite fast.
- You're not Roger Black. You're Vince.

- We all are.
- (all) We are all Vince.

Vince, I'm Howard.
I'm Vince's best mate.

- Who?
- Remember the good times we had together?

- What times?
- The time we had those pancakes...

- Pancakes?
- # Eggs, milk and flour, pancake power

(all) # Look at his milky yellow sunshine face

♪ Flip it now, flip it good, ooh,
flip it now, flip it good, ooh

♪ Some are salt, some are sweet,
some are fruit, some are meat

♪ The time we used the chive,
it really came alive

♪ Edible Frisbee, springtime Tuesday

♪ I like to boogie

Ah, Howard, we do remember you.
Shall we take you to the brain?

- Yes, that's what this has been about.
- To the brain!

- The brain!
- To the brain!

The brain!

♪ I like to boogie

♪ Doo-doo,
boo-doo, boo-doo-boo

♪ Kiddy-ba-boo,

(scatting continues distantly)

Howard, we can go no further.

This is the optic nerve,
it takes you straight to the brain.

- Good luck on your mission.
- Thanks a lot. Idiots.

- What?
- Nothing.

(easy listening music)

- Can I help you?
- Uh... I'm here to see Vince's brain.

- Have you got an appointment, darling?
- No.

- It's very important I see the brain now.
- He can't, in fact, see you until July next year.


We've got an intruder in the brain room.
Big man, small eyes. Thank you.

- I see headbands are coming back in.
- Yeah, I might get one.

(disco music)

- Hi.
- Who are you?

- I'm the brain cell.
- The brain cell?

- Yeah.
- Just you, yeah?

Well, me and my secretary.
Did you see her?

She's pretty cute. I'm thinking of asking her
to stay late, catch my drift?

- I ain't got time for this.
- That is an incredible suit.

I knew that was gonna come back in.
The scuba look - genius!

It was either the jockey outfit or the scuba
look. Look at all the accessories, they are wild!

Can you get of me, please?
Listen, you're in imminent danger from...

Hang on a sec.
Just gotta check this out.

Oh, my God! Scuba diving outfits
are so fashionable right now.

But don't forget to glitter up those flippers
cos aqua bling is so far in.

- That is good advice.
- # I am Electro Boy

(laughs) I love this guy.

(French accent) So, there we have it.
The supercool Vince Noir with "Electro Boy".

Ciao for now.
Over to Vince Noir with the weather.


Thanks, Vince. Oh.

(laughs) That guy Vince, he's crazy!

Can you shut up?! Listen,
I'm gonna say this once and only once.

You've been infected
by a malignant jazz organism.

It's destroying your cells one by one.

When it reaches you, it will kill you,
and then all that is Vince shall die.

(stirring music)

Thanks a lot.

- My God, this is huge.
- Yeah. Now you're getting it, yeah?

I've got an idea.

Vince, nip out and get me
a scuba diving outfit, with all the accessories.

Oh, and could you work late tonight?
You know what I'm saying.

I know what you're thinking - how can I
when I've got Vince and two Vinces at home?

- What can I say? I married too young.
- (secretary) Vince?

I've got a Mr Rogue Jazz Cell here
to see you, darling. Shall I send him in?

- Yeah, cool. Send him in. He sounds like fun.
- No, two minutes!


- Huh?
- He'll be with you in a couple of minutes.

- Oh.
- Help yourself to water.

Get in here.
Get in there.

I swing both ways,
but I'm not feeling it with you.

Just get in there.

I think you can go in now,
if you like.

(evil laugh)

Oh, I got you now, boy!

Hi. You took your time.

Oh, I'm gonna leap onto you
and suck your head like a Chupa Chup lolly.

Maybe not, though, eh?
Not when you see this little baby.

(Howard chuckles)

Oh, boy, I am hungry!

Ow! This bread is stale.

Oh, man, you got tuna mayonnaise
all over my tendrils.


I got you now,
little piece of chicken!

Maybe I've got you.


What the hell is?
You son of a gun!

Yeah, thanks a lot, Lester. I just had to fight
a jazz beast with a tuna baguette.

- How did it go?
- Not well, thank you.

Wait. I'll kill it, Howard.
I need to step up to the plate.

- Are you sure about this, Lester?
- As sure as I'm black.

Yeah, but... Never mind.
It's dangerous. You've got to get close.

- You've got to stab it straight in the nucleus.
- Just throw me the damn harpoon, honky!

OK, let's go.

Yeah. I'll do that, then, yeah?

Quick, Howard! You haven't got long
before you get big again!

How you gonna play it, boy?

Fast and loose, sir.
That's the way Howard Moon plays.

And destroy the one thing you love?
The one thing you hold dear to yourself?

- What, stationery?
- Jazz, idiot. I'm talking about jazz. I is jazz.

- I'm gonna kill you.
- Think you can?

- Prepare to die.
- (evil laugh)

Will you stop laughing?
This isn't funny!

Oh, it is funny, boy.
It's very funny, and I'll tell you why.

- You can't kill me, boy.
- Why?

Because I'm your father!


Yeah! Let it out!

- Let it out, boy! Release the pain!
- (screams)

Daddy's here!
Come to daddy!

Daddy's come for you, boy!

Hang on,
my dad's a geography teacher in Leeds.

I meant, uh, I'm your uncle.


All those hours spent weeping by the window.
Bring Uncle back for me.


What, Uncle Terry?
Who works at Stansted?

What are they doing?
They've only got ten seconds until they go big.

- We've got to get them out.
- Where are they?

In the tear duct.
Bollo, make Vince cry.


- Mick Jagger's got a bald patch.
- (sobs)

He's put on a stone
and he has to wear a tracksuit.

It's working.
Try some Iggy Pop.

- Iggy's working in Tesco Metro.
- (wails)

- It's worked. Use the syringe.
- (cries)

Oh, I meant your second cousin
twice removed on your sister's side!

Oh, right, yeah.

That's right. We's family!



Oh, I feel weird.

- Ugh...
- Mission accomplished, yeah?

Didn't think we could make it, did you?
But me and Lester make quite a team.

Good evening, gentlemen.
Mind if I join you?

- Shit, what have you done?
- Change of plan. We met on the inside.

It turns out
we're actually related and, um...

I's in no way related to you, boy.
You's is ugly bugly.

You're my sister's cousin
on my mother's side.

- I made that up, boy.
- Noooo!

Let it out, boy!
Come on, boy!

You's is all dead, bubba lickers.

(evil laugh)

- (Micky) Oh, there he is.
- We're gonna kill you.

Not before I kill you,
you gristly bastards.


Crap, the white balance has gone.
Can you do that again?


- What are we gonna do?
- Now I'm gonna tentacle-ise ya!

- No!
- We need something to destroy the jazz.

(evil laugh)

The pin! Use the safety pin.
It's chock-full of diseases.

Hey, Howard, I've got an idea.

Use this.

- Stab him, Lester!
- (giggles)



(high-pitched scream)


That really hurt me!
Oh, man!

I gotta get out of here, man.
It's dangerous.


Lester, you caught the pin, you sly old dog.

Vince should be fine now.
Everything's back to how it was.

There's one thing. You've come back normal
size, but your eyes have remained miniature.

That's a funny joke.
Thank you, yeah.

Yeah, that's funny.

(Moon scats)


Oh, scooby-doo-bap-boo.