The Mighty Boosh (2003–2007): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Priest & the Beast - full transcript

Naboo narrates the story of the band Rudi & Spider, the Bongo Brothers. They seek a 'new sound' by wandering in the desert. This strains their relationship, and end up in a small town terrorized by the Betamax, the tape monster.

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-What the hell are you wearing?
-This is the mirror ball suit.


I've been up for four days trying to find our
new musical direction, yeah?

You're in this band as well,
what have you been doing?

I do the costumes, you do the music.
That's the agreement.

And this, my friend, represents
a major breakthrough on the sewing machine.

-I'm not wearing that on stage.
-I knew you'd say that.

That's why I've made you the tweed version.
I call it the library suit.

See this pocket? That's for your library cards.

See this pouch?
Loose change, in case you've got any fines.

-That's pretty good actually.
-Yeah. How's it going your end of things?

-I've had a breakthrough.
-Oh yeah?

I think I've found a new note in between B and C.
I always knew it was there.

-I'm going to call it ''Howard's note''.

I'll tell you how it works, right?

I took a note, a sawtooth wave,
right off this Pantomime 4,

put it back here, regenned it through itself,

looped it back, mixed it
with the sound of this crab committing suicide

and let it stew in its own reverb
for about three hours,

and then I pump it all out through this shoe
to give it that oaky timbre.

-Cool. Let's hear it then.
-Now go easy, 'cause this is early days.



-What do you think?
-That's pretty interesting actually.

-Keep that going.
-What about this?


-That's great.


# The oxygen of knowledge... #

What you doing? It's the middle of the night.

I think we've found our new sound, Naboo.
Sing, Vince.

# Cyborg Patrick, tell me what you dream

# Clockwork Margaret skating on my mouse mat

# In your tiny circuit boots
Shoes of the future

# Trousers of the past #

-Huh? What do you think of that?

What do you mean, awful?

He's right. It is awful.

I've been up for four days, I don't
know what's right and wrong anymore.

You've got to help us.
We've got to come up with a new sound.

-These things take time. Take a week off.
-A week off?

We've got a meeting with the head of
Pie Face Records at 9:00 in the morning.

If we don't come up with a new sound,
we're not gonna get signed.

-Have you heard of deadlines, Naboo?
-I know about deadlines.

-Have you heard of a deadline for the rent?

Exactly, if we get signed, we'll get an advance.

You'll get your money, we'll be happy,
you'll be happy, Bollo will be happy.

What do you mean, Bollo?

-He's going to drum for us, if we get the deal.

You did clear that with Naboo, didn't you, Bollo?

-He's not your drummer, he's my familiar.

I can't have him going away.
What if I need my cauldron stirring?

He's an ape, you can't keep him
cooped up indoors, it's not natural.

What, it's natural for him to go
drumming around Europe with an electro band?

-Oh, please.
-Shut up.

Naboo, you've got to help us.
We've got to come up with a new sound.

You must have something up your silky sleeves.

You've got some potions and lotions, haven't you?

-Come on, Naboo.
-Look, maybe there is something I can do.

-Follow me.

-See these guys?
-HOWARD: Rudi and Spider.

Genius. Bongo in the Congo.

-Starship Bongo.
-NABOO: Bongo Ahoy.

I bet they never had
any trouble with ideas, did they?

That's not strictly true,
they did have some bad times.

-How would you know?
-I was their dealer in the '70s.

-Good friends of mine.

Let me tell you the story of how they
came up with their finest album.

-El Sonido Nuevo.
-HOWARD: What's that mean?

The New Sound.


Hey, Rudi van Disarzio,
why are we here in this godforsaken place?

-Why do you think we are here, Spider Dijon?
-I don't know.

Is it 'cause you have no new ideas
and no new songs in you

and everybody's saying you are washed up?

I prefer to think of it as creative drought,
Spider Dijon.

It happens to only the very talented amongst us.

This place is bullshit.
Where are the bars and the women?

This is a place free of those distractions.

A sacred place known only to me and my family.

It is a place where it is written
that a musician may find the new sound.

What does it look like, this new sound?

Doesn't look like anything. It is a sound.

Hey, Rudi, why don't we record one of my songs?

Why don't we record Spider Loving?


That is not the sound
we're searching for, my friend.

That is pornography with bongos.

You said it could be a B-side.

I think it is perhaps something to be saved
for your solo project.


Now open your mind.

Let us begin our quest to find the new sound.


# We are searching for that new sound

# We are looking for the new sound

# We are looking all around and round
for that new sound #

I am the eagle.

# We are searching for that new sound

# We are looking for the new sound

# We are looking all around and round
for that new sound #

Hey, Rudi, that was pretty good, huh?
Do you think that was the new sound?

No, that was a song about finding the new sound.

Slightly different.

Hey, Rudi, I've been thinking.
Why don't we do what we usually do, you know?

Get some Santana albums,
steal some licks, mix them up a little.

Stop with that talk. We've turned over a new leaf.

We are already under investigation
by the musicologists.

You want to get that door in your head
checked out.

It's letting in all kinds of mambo-jimbo.

-You would not understand.
-Oh, really? Why? 'Cause I do not have a door?

Exactly. The Door of Cuckundo
comes only through true wisdom.

-Why can't I have a door, anyway?
-Because you are young and wild.

It's not fair. You get to get the door.
Why don't I get to get the door?

I am wise, I earned my door. I went into
the mountains and I studied under a master.

I did not just get it at B&Q.

Oh, you say you are wise.

(IMITATING RUDI) Oh, look at me,
I'm Rudi, I'm really wise, I've got the door.

You did things wrong,
you stole other people's music.

-Will you stop with this?
-You think you are psychedelic Jesus, huh?

-There's nothing holy about you. You are a fraud.
-We all make mistakes.

Some of us learn from the errors of our ways,

but you never learn,
because you are stubborn like the ox.

I'm not an ox, I am a lion
and if I want something, I pounce.

Yes. We all know about this, don't we?

What are you trying to say to me?

If you want to say something,
speak the plain English.

Don't run around the house in a little car.

You know very well I am talking about my ex-wife.

Oh, why you always go on about this?

You know, it was the '60s,
you know, free love, we were young.

Besides, your wife wasn't just free with me.
She was free with everyone.

My wife was like all women, strange and evil.

You cannot put all of the blame
on top of her head.

What do you mean by this?

Why do you think her eyes started to go shopping
for other men in the first place?

I was a good husband.

Easy to say with the benefit of hind legs.
She told me everything.

-She told me of your affair.
-I did nothing wrong.

Then why did she come home from work
one day, to find you with your guitar?

That was a misunderstanding, I was naked,
it was dark,

I was changing a string, I became entangled.

You expect me to believe this?

Is it so wrong for a man to love a guitar?

Yes, it is, if he puts his balls inside it
and strums himself to ecstasy.

I have had enough of this talk now.
I need to meditate.

Go away and digest what we have spoken about.

Come to an understanding
of why I was right and you were wrong

and then I'll type it up,
give it back to you in a note form.

I bet you will, with bullet points, you anal bastard.

Why don't you take your notes
and stick them up your anus, huh?

-And chew on them till sunrise.
-Oh yes, I forgot. You cannot read, can you?


Maybe I can read a few names,
in my phone book here.

Maybe I can read the name of Carlos.

Carlos Santana. I might have known.

I did not want to tell you, you know.

I was protecting you
because I thought we were bongo brothers.

Carlos has been trying to poach me now
for two years.

He's a proper musician.
He likes to play and have fun.

He doesn't ponce around the desert in a dress.

This is not a dress.

-This is the sacred robe of the Psychedelic Monks.

Maybe I'll go to Carlos.
He is a better guitar player than you, anyway.

-What did you say?
-You heard what I said.

He's a better guitar player than you.

-Oh, really?

Well, can he do this?


-Oh, my pancreas.
-Feel the power of my fusion lick.

This is the last time you ever raise
your guitar to me.

There was a time when we used to play together
and that was enough.

Look at you now.
You think you are some kind of priest.

Better a priest than a beast.



Do not worry, Miranda, we are alone now.


-I forgot my congas.
-I was just changing a string.

Hey, Carlos, baby.
Yeah, man, it's me, Spider Dijon.

Yeah, I've been thinking about your offer,
you know.

Maybe it's time we could hook up a little?

Yeah, oh, you know Rudi, wandering around
like a huge purple lollipop.

Hey, Carlos, man, hang on a sec.
There's some weird chick out here.

Hey, lady, this is an important call for me,
you know. Why don't you bamoose?

Well, maybe I shall go back to my town,

which is populated exclusively by women
desperate for a man.

Hey, Carlos, you're breaking up.

-I am Spider.
-That's a very strange name.

-Yeah, it is a nickname, you know.

Because I have eight of something.

-Eight fingers?

-Eight toes?

Well, is it because you have eight....


Why are you here?

Well, I shouldn't really tell you this,
but I came with a friend, you know,

he's looking for The New Sound.

-Not another one.
-What do you mean?

Everyone comes here to find a new sound.

I thought it was some kind of family secret.

No, look over there. There's Razorlight.


And that's Kevin Rowland.


And over there, Chris de Burgh.

-He's been here for 1 0 years.
-Look at Chrissie.

Hey, lady, lady.
You know, this town you speak of, is it close?

Very close.

SPIDER: You like porn?
WOMAN: Very much.

# I've searched so long

# Travelled every single road
Turned over every stone

# But now I'm lost and I'm alone

# But when I find that new sound

# The one that's never ever been found

# When I find that key, unlock the door

# Hear that music that I've never heard before

# Then I'll be free forever more #


# Gonna run my fingers down your spine

# Gonna make you scream
Gonna make you whine

# Gonna lick your thighs
Gonna suck your hair

# Gonna jump all over your body

# Gonna spin my web around your mind
Gonna eat you like you was the fly

# Gonna make you raw
Gonna make you cry

# Gonna make you sore
Gonna tell you why

# Ooh, ooh, I'll give you Spider loving

# Ooh, ooh, I'll give you Spider loving

# Ooh, ooh, I'll give you Spider loving

# Come on, I'll give you Spider loving #


# Ooh, ooh, I'll give you Spider loving

# Ooh, ooh, I'll give you Spider loving #


Hey, lady, why don't you come
and have a drink with Uncle Spider?

Little tequila.


Oh, man. What's wrong with the woollen bullet?

WOMAN: Oh, that is Monkey. She is strange.

She has visions and she drinks her own urine.

She smells of peanuts. We leave her alone.

She should meet my friend Rudi.
They get on like a house on fire.

He loves complicated women.

But not me, I like simple women.




Yeah. Oh, look, if it isn't Rudi the Prudy.

What brings you here?

Just passing through. Sparkling water please.

I thought you'd gone to Carlos.

Whether I go this week or next week,
what's the big deal?

Typical of you to waste your time
on these baubles.

Why don't you stick around?

You know, a town full of women,
even you could get laid.

I like your dress.

This is not a dress.
This is a sacred robe of the Psychedelic Monks.

Why don't you stay a while?

Put away those fiery biscuits.

-What's wrong with him?
-He's a little upset, you know.

I tell you why,
because he's looking for The New Sound.


Why is that so funny? I am on a musical quest.

Don't get your robe in a twist, you know.

Why don't you stick around, little tequila,

little bit of free love.

How naive you are.

If there is one thing I have learnt in all my life
as a travelling musician,

it is that love is never free.

It makes a mockery of humanity
the things men will do

for those one and a half minutes of pleasure.

One and a half minutes?

Two minutes, whatever.

When Spider makes love,
it is for a month-and-a-half at a time.


You beast. You drummers are all alike.



I do not understand.

Perhaps the moon knows the secret
of The New Sound.

When you are the moon,
there is a person people say is the sun.

I saw the sun once, it came past me, really fast

and it was called the eclipse.

And it came past, but as it came past
I licked his back.

He didn't know I licked his back,
all on his yellow suit.

I'm the moon.


Why do you sit here alone?
Why you not in the bar with your friend?

I am not interested in base pleasures.
Though I see it is tuppence a pound in this town.

You are not like other men.

-I am a priest.

A high priest of the Psychedelic Monks.

-Perhaps you are aware of our order?

But I know there was something about you.
Something in your eyes,

it reminds me of someone.


Someone who died for what he believed in.

-Who was that man?
-He was my father.

-Where is he?
-He is dead.

-Oh yes, you mentioned.
-He was killed when I was but a young girl.

The town was attacked by an evil bandit, Betamax.

-All the menfolk fled this village in fear.

Only my father remained to defend us.
He was killed.

But he had that same look in his eye.
That same look that you have.

This is him.

I too have seen eyes like yours before.

Yes. Where?

When I was young I had a pig.

I'm sorry, I meant no offence, I loved that pig.

-I understand.
-You do?

I too love pigs.

Sometimes I wish I could marry my pig
and dress him up and ride him around the town.

I kind of know what you mean.

I feel as though I can tell you these things.

-Maybe I shall stay in this town a while.

You must leave this town. Betamax will kill you.

Who is this Betamax?

He is an obsolete format
and wreaking his revenge on the world.

He kills all our menfolk
and takes his fill of the women.

-Even of you?

I cover myself with peanut butter.

He has an allergy.

Do you have an allergy?

Only to wheat.


There is no time. Quick, go.

There is a secret way out of the village
through this barn. Save yourself.

The next time you see that pig
or have a peanut sandwich,

think of me.

Your name?



SPIDER: Ladies! Ladies!


Where are you? Ha ha!






Oh, yeah. I'm a coming.

-Come on.

Get off me, you beast.

-Rudi, it is you.
-Yes, it is me.

Oh my God, in the dark in this dress...

How many times do I have to tell you?
This is not a dress, it is a robe.

What are you doing in here, anyway?

Sneaking around in the dark
like some kind of pervert.

I know, you like to watch, that is your game?
Peeping through the slats.

Shut up. You do not understand
what is going on here.

The town is under a curse from the evil bandit
Betamax and he is coming now.

I don't like the sound of him,
he sounds like a whole heap of bullshit.

-Come on, let's go.
-We're not going anywhere.

We shall stay and fight the evil that is Betamax.

You're insane, Rudi, you know.
This is all like Woodstock all over again.

The idea is you play and then you scram,
but, oh no, you wouldn't listen, would you?

You wanted to hang around, didn't you?
And then we got roped into tidying up.

Me, you and Carlos Santana
hoovering for six weeks.

-Somebody had to clean up that mess.
-We should have split like The Who.

They were off in a shot,
I didn't see Roger Daltrey in no flipping apron.

They are selfish men.
What goes around comes around.

What do you mean by this?

Well, maybe one day Daltrey will do the hoovering.

You're absurd.

Roger Daltrey doesn't hoover for no one,
he's his own man.

-Well, we shall see.
-Listen to me, Rudi.

-I am just a drummer, you know.
-No, you are much more than this.

I cannot be this thing
you want me to be, you know.

You always trying to mould me into the shape
of something. I'm not that shape.

I am the shape of an animal,
I have eight cocks, you know.

There's nothing I more like to do
than to drum, drink tequila,

and make love, until I fall over in the dirt,
and then the next day I do it again, you know.

You cannot make milk into cheese.

Yes, you can.

Bad example. I should have gone to Carlos
when I had the chance.

Maybe you still have that chance.

What do you mean?


-What are these?
-Tickets to Brazil.

Backstage passes to Santana in Rio.
Go to him, he shall take you on.

-I don't know what to say, Rudi.
-Don't say anything, just go.

-I'm out of here, man.


-I cannot leave!
-Why ever not?

Because we are bongo brothers.

We have been through too much.

I know I can never be a priest like you,
but I can stand by you and fight.

-You have passed the test.
-What test?

The backstage pass test.

Most men would have taken the passes,
gone to Santana, had a good time,

but you refused in order to stay with me
and die like a dog in the sand.

Spider Dijon, for the first time in your life

you have made a noble gesture.


Oh! What is happening? Oh, my head hurts.

-You have a door.
-Yeah, Rudi, I got a door like you.

Check me out.

Let us go and kick some ass.

Prepare to die, pigdogs.

-RUDI: Betamax.

You are obsolete but that is no reason
to take revenge on these innocent people.

That's not the reason, jerk-off.

The reason why I'm angry is that many years ago

someone slept with my wife.

It was him and he shall pay.

Spider, is there no one you have not slept with?

He's lying. I never slept with his wife, you know.
I would remember such a thing.

Oh, no, yeah, I did.
I remember now, she was one hot piece of tape.


When we made love it was for 60 minutes,
sometimes 1 80.

That does it. You shall die.

Not without a fight.
Prepare to feel my fusion wrath.


I'm out of tune, just a minute.



-Ah! What's happening?

This shouldn't be happening. Oh!

Oh, shit-nuts!

SPIDER: Look at him go.


Not good enough. Feel my vinyl tendrils.

I thought you would never shut up.


RUDI: What's happening?

Help me, Spider.

-Use your door.

-But I haven't read the instructions.
-Open your mind.

Here you go. Come to papa.


BETAMAX: # Windy, windy,
nice and slow, windy.... #

I paused him. I paused Betamax.

Rewind him, Spider.

And now I'm going to rewind you,
like the bitch you are.

Oh, no, this can't be happening. Oh, please no!

Please no, don't do that. Please!


A little to the left. Oh, shit.

They have defeated the Betamax Bandit.


What will you do with him?

We will tape over him with the snooker.



We have searched all over this world, Spider,
to find a new sound.

But there is one place we forgot to look.

Oh, yeah? Where?

Inside our own minds.


# We are searching

# We are searching #


NABOO: And that's the end.

-That's the end?
-And the lesson is

you can only find The New Sound
at the end of a long journey.

How does that help us, you berk?
We've got to meet the record label in 1 0 minutes.

-Good point.
-You'd better get some magic potions out, Mowgli,

-or we're going to hurt you.
-All right, calm down.

This is liquid music,
it will turn you into musical geniuses.

-What is this?
-It's the tears of Mozart.

Mixed with the urine of Mark Knopfler.

-How long does it last?
-Three hours. Quick, run.

Play like you've never played before.

You are truly wise, Naboo.

Do you think with magic potion
they will get record deal?

-I doubt it, that was just Lucozade.

Come on, mind your feet. Mind your feet.

Thank you.

-No, it couldn't be.
-I think it was.

What did I tell you before, huh?
What goes around comes around.