The Mighty Boosh (2003–2007): Season 2, Episode 1 - Call of the Yeti - full transcript

A weekend country retreat runs into trouble, when local Kodiak Joe convinces Howard he can find the elusive Yeti He requires Howard's help to gain Vince's affections as an exchange. The Yeti's hypnotic rituals threaten the entire group.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Come with us now on a journey
through time and space!

To the world of The Mighty Boosh!

What about this?


- How about this?
- Also good.

What about this - to travel in?

Oh.. manifique!

The funky inuit?

Very good.

- What about this cape?
- A bit last week..

I'll put that in the maybe-pile.

Vince, you ready?

Almost there, yeah. Narrowed it down to
these two piles.

You are joking, aren't you? We're going
to a cabin in the woods.

- So?
- For one weekend!

Yeah, I suppose.

Let's try and narrow it down, okay?

Do you need this tie?

Yeah! The tie is a multipurpose accessory.
You know, belt, schoolboy, Rambo.

All right, what about this Jacobean ruff?

Listen. I've got a strong feeling the Tudor look's
going to comeback in while we're away.

- I don't want to get left behind.
- You'll be in the wilderness. Who's going to know?

What if someone's photographing animals,
yeah, and I'm the back of the shot?

The Internet's a powerful took these days.

Vince, you've got to be more economical, like me.

You see what I've got going on here? The multipurpose
tweed utility suit - it's all I'm taking and it's all I need!

- Yeah, what if you wanna go swimming?
- It zips down to trunks.

Well it's easy for you, isn't it?
You haven't got any style.

Do you mind? I don't buffet about on the
winds of fashion.

Fashion may come and go, Howard Moon
remains where he is.

Clothes avalanche!

All right, that's it! One suitcase!

- Naboo, are you ready?
- Nearly, what do you think - red or blue?

I don't care. We're supposed to have set off by now! What is
the matter with everyone?! Did you get my itinerary?

Look, chill out, we're going on holiday, it's suppose to be relaxing'!

I'm going to have to type out a new one.

- What about you? Have you packed?
- Yes I have! This is everything I need right here.

- I'm wearing it! The multipurpose tweed utility suit!
- What if you want to go swimming?

Happy? Now get ready!

Oh, I didn't need to see that..

- Okay Bollo. You ready?
- Hm, yeah.

- Let's do it!
- Okay.

Go on Bollo!

- Use your monkey strength!
- Come on, baby!

Get your primate arms out! Put your back into it!
Bit more, bit more, come on!

- Yes!
- Quickly, quickly!



Can't you put your suit back on?

The zip broke.

- I hate wilderness. Can't we go to Euro Disney?
- I'm not spending another summer in a Goofy lounge, okay?

- I've booked us a cabin, deep in the woods.
- Great.

- Is good for me actually.
- Is it really?

I'm running low on supplies. As a shaman I can put it
down as a business trip and claim it all back.


- Where you find out about this cabin?
- A little advert in the Global Explorer.

A magazine I subscribe to.

- Global Explorer?
- Very inspiring stuff.

I hate that magazine. It's a sepia nightmare!
I tried to read it once, it get me a panic attack.

- You heard of this?
- Huh?

- Cheekbone?
- No.

It's the most up to-date magazine around. It's so
cutting-edge, it goes out of date every three hours.

- Really?
- You can't get it in shops. It's delivered by ninjas.

Yeah, well, the Global Explorer never
goes out a date.

There's photographs in there, that are eternally
relevant to our life and times, Vince.

One day I intend to be on the cover of that magazine.

- What, with a tropical disease?
- No!

- With one of my photographs.
- What photographs?

I'm building up quite a portfolio, I'll have you know.

- What, are you a photographer now?
- Yes, sir.

- I thought you were jazz poet.
- I do many things.

That you don't know about. I span the genres, Vince.
They call me the Genre Spanner.

They call you the Spanner.

- Cheekbone.
- Cheers!

Here's a poem for I'm the Moon. Neil
Armstrong walking on my face.

Buzz Aldrin, he walking on my face. And then
the third one, a spaceman walkin' on my face.

All on the surfaces, and they looking at all
the stuff that the Moon has got to offer.

Hehe.. yeah.

Here we are. What do you think of that?

Is this the garage?

No, this is it, Vince.

Woow, check these out! A true hunters cabin, eh?


Sorry Bollo..

That was Chinque. He was my friend. As
children we played together in forest.

My father warn us, "No go too far, for
there are hunter at edge of forest. "

But Chinque curious. He always say: 'Bollo, please. Please
let us go to edge of forest!' over and over and over..

And so finally, one day, I chopped his head off.

Cup of tea, anyone?

Ah yes, this is more like it.

A roaring fire, cup of tea, what more do you need, eh?


We're getting away from all that, Vince.
Getting away from the noise of the city.

Listen - what can you hear?

Your cells dying.

- Tranquillity, Vince. The sound of nature.
- I'm bored!

Yeah, well I knew you would be, which is why,
if you turn to page three of your itineraries,

you'll find I've prepared a short introductory lecture on the
wilderness, just to get you into the spirit of things, okay?

I've gotta bad feeling about this.

No kidding, let's get out of here.

- Oi, where are you two going?
- Shaman business.

- Well can I come with you?
- No, you've got to stay here with him.

Aah, you're joking, he's insane!

Look at him, he's all excited, you can't leave him.

Thanks a lot.

- Hey guys, what's happening?
- We're going to get some supplies.

It's ten o'clock at night! You're going miss the lecture.

It's the best time, there's no one around.

- Oh.
- Do you want anything?

- No, I'm fine, thanks.
- I'm getting some owl beaks, if you're interested.

Owl beaks? What for?

The thing is about owl beaks is they can restore
man's fire, if you get my drift.

- I'm fine, thanks.
- Sure? A man of your age?

- I said I'm fine.
- I get you, Vince is in the room.

Just get out, will you, if you're going.

Right, where were we?

Get you a couple, yeah?

Okay... There you go.

What's this for?

Take notes and then we can do a Question & Answer
session in the interval.

- Interval?
- Yes, sir.

- Are you out of your mind?
- Simmer down.

Now the life cycle of the frog. The frog is
an amphibian and he lays eggs...

They're called spawn, which then become
tadpoles... dormant... hibernation...

Now the brown bear, differing from the black bear,
will hibernate for up to three and a half months,

the brown bear, obviously, three months. You can
have a look at your notes on that one.

Interesting fact about those two bears, the black bear sometimes
can be brown and the brown bear can sometimes be...! Haha...

- Well well, lookie here!
- Keep back, I know Wing-Chun!

- You only had one lesson.
- Shut up!

Cool your jets, I'm Kodiak Jack, I own this cabin, I'm just
checking in to see how you're all settling in.

Kodiak, it's Howard Moon! We spoke on the
phone this morning.

- The what?
- The telephone.

Ooh, oh the talkiestick! Your voice was trapped
in there this morning!

- Yeah, Howard Moon.
- Hello! -Well hello.

And hello! What's your name sugar dumpling?


Hm... beautiful name.

Well, we were just doing a lecture on the wilderness here,
and you're welcome to sort of stick around and join us.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah!

What do you know about that, Mr City balls?

- Well uh.. I have read this rather large book on the wilderness.
- Book?!? That's all you people know!

Let me tell you something. This book ain't gonna
help you when a grizzly bear is on the loose.

It's all about experience.

Have you ever had a mountain goat grab you by the scrotum
and run away with it? Then sell it on ebay a day later?

- Huh?
- No.

- Have you ever been Rohypnoled by a swan? Woke up in Cancun?
- No.

You ever been to a tea party with a herd of rhino?
Well, I HAVE! And it ain't purdy!

- Right...
- I've had run-ins with all these animals and I killed 'em all.

I killed that one. I killed that one! I...
killed that one.

Well... I've had some pretty hairy moments myself, sir, yes sir.

Oh yeah? You got any scars to prove it?

- Emotional scars? Yes..
- Yeah? Check this out!

Moose bite, 1973. Ain't nothing emotional about that.

Check this out! Horn of a wildebeest ripped it wide open.
Had to tie it up with my own shoestring!

Yeah? Big deal! See that? Straighteners, Nicky Clarke. Hottest
you can get. Fell asleep on them while I was pissed.

- Jiminy Christmas!
- Now, can you get out please? 'Cause I want to go to bed.

Oh.. yes. Pardonnez-moi. Of course. I hope we meet
again sometime under different circumstances.

- What a character!
- What a freak!

Uuh, mister, I was wondering if you'd care to join
me for a drink and possibly a smoke on the porch?

- Man to man, so to speak.
- Don't mind if I do, sir.

Me and Jack are just going to have a little
bit of a wilderness chat, check you in a bit.

Yeah, whatever..

Get some of that for me, will you, Bollo?

Hm... okay... Oh, three for two. Bargain!

And when the spaceman come, they did experimentens
with a hammer and the feather.

to see which one would land first. And, do you know, on the
moon's surface, they land at exactly the same time!

They could have done that with anything - beach ball,
peg, magnet.. Little drawing of some chicken..

It don't make no difference. When you on the
Moon, everything lands the same.

Beautiful view, huh?

Oh yeah...

You know, when I see a view like that I'm always
aware of the terrifying insignificance of mankind

and yet, at the same time, the irrevocable connection
that we all have with the universe..

You know what I think about?

All the tiny animal penises all over! Anyway,
I've got a question for you.

You two out here on your honeymoon?

Uh... no Jack... I think you've got the wrong
end of the stick there. Hahaha...

Well uh... what are you doing out here in these parts, then?

Well I'm a wildlife photographer by trade.
Just building myself up a portfolio, sir..

- Ah, picture box!
- That's me, it's in my blood, you know?

Well uh.. maybe I can help you with that.

- How?
- Well you know, left to your own devices out here in the forest,

you'd be lucky to get a picture of a chip
muck or a piece of moss.

But I know the whereabouts of a creature,
that's never been seen by human eyeballs.

You get a photograph of that, you'll be famous!
On a cover of some fancy magazine!

You see this map right here? Leads directly
to the creature's lair, out on Piney Ridge.

- Can I have a look at that?
- Maybe you can and maybe you can't.

Can I?

Well, maybe I've got something you want and
maybe you've got something I want.

- What?
- Well you know..

.. man does get lonely out here in the woods.

Uh.. no Jack, I'm sorry.. I mean I'm a liberal guy,
but I will draw the line there, I'm afraid.

Not you, you dickbrain! I'm talking about hoochie-coochie
pants in there. Man does have his standards.

We don't often get a little cute, nubile
princess like that around here.

Usually old, weather-beaten types like yourself..

Look, I could never do that, okay? Vince's a friend
of mine, so I bid you good night!

Well that's a shame, I guess you won't be needing
a photo of the one and only, the legendary - Yeti!

How long would you need him for?

Excuse me. Are these supposed to be like this?

Oh, sorry it's burst..

- Bollo get us some more jaguar tears, will you?
They're going everywhere. -Okay.

- Just by horns and hooves.
- Oh, okay.

- You all right, Barry?
- All right Naboo.

I haven't seen you for ages! When was it?
Whikkam caves. Quite a night.

Yeah, I was out of my head that night - sick in
my turban. You were all over the shop.

I know, it was my birthday. I was off my chops!
I had two Mick Jaggers and a line of cheap whizz.

- Anyway, what are you up to these days?
- Oh, I've gone freelance.

- You've still got Bollo?
- Yeah, he's over there getting me some stuff.

- All right Bollo!
- Huh.

Where's your familiar?

Ah! This is Chrissie.

- Oh, he's lovely, this one. I thought you had a black cat.
- I did. Doing my head in. Got myself an upgrade.

- I wish I could get an upgrade.
- Well, you should. He's tiny, got all the latest features.

- Got a points card?
- Bollo?

- Oh, sorry. I forgot it.
- See what I mean? That's worth fifty magic carpet miles.

- Upgrade.
- See ya later Barry.

Here, Naboo, can I have a word?

If I was you, I'd keep yourself indoors
tonight. Avoid the forest.

- Oh yeah?
- Apparently it's breeding night for the Yeti.

- I thought they were hibernating?
- They are, but every 25 years they come out.

Look for a man to breed with. They're bloody
rampant. If I was you, I'd avoid Piney Ridge.

- How did you find out about this?
- Chrissie, gets all the latest, he's got sonar.

- Why didn't you tell me about this, Bollo?
- Well, I told you I had a bad feeling.

Any details?
See you later, Barry.

All right there, gorgeous. When do you knock off?

~No, please don't go ~ Come in!
- Well hello there!

- What do you want?
- Well, I brought you some flowers. Picked 'em myself.

Where's Howard?

Oh, he's fine. He just went for a walk on
Piney Ridge. Left us alone for a while.

- What are you eating?
- Owl beaks. Do you want some?

- No, I'm fine.
- Gets you in a mood.

- Mood for what?
- Purdy little thing like you and a big old mountain man like me...

- Get away from me!
- But I loves you, Vincey!

- You're weird, get off me!
- I love my little Vincey!


There you go, Nicky Clarke - hottest you can get!

What's going on?

I'll tell you what's going on. I've just narrowly
avoided a bumming from Grizzly Adams!

- Where's Howard?
- He went for a walk or something out a Piney ridge.

What? Have I got a shit on my face?

- Do you think Howard will be all right, Naboo?
- We're going to have to move fast, before the Yetis get him.

- What are they going to do to him if they catch him?
- I don't even want to speak it's name.

- All right, we'd better get to Piney ridge quick smart.
- Well, let's get to move on then!

- Yeah.. I can't drive.
- I can't drive, either!

- I thought you could!
- I thought you could!

- Aaaaah...
- Idiots...

- Did you bring your magic carpet?
- Howard wouldn't let me pack it - 'one suitcase'!

- Oh what are we gonna do?
- Bollo?

Come on Bollo, get your monkey anus up at
the steering wheel.

- Bollo no drive.
- You're joking, why not?

- Bollo lose licence.
- When did that happen?

Long time ago.. It was Chinque. As teenager we
would drive about down together.

My father warn us, "no drive too fast, for there
are speed camera on A49."

But Chinque crazy. He dangerous. He always say:
"Please, Bollo. Please let us go faster. "

- Yeah, yeah, so you chopped his head off, right?
- No. I chopped his feet off. Stopped him pressing accelerator.

Have you got any more stories about Chinque, Bollo?
Do you mind we should get Howard?

- Uh. What are we going to do? Piney Ridge is about 5 hours away on foot.
- Mini cab?

- Cheekbone.
- Ooh, cheers! Haha, new issue!

The Jacobean ruff's back in. I knew it. Genius!

- Hey, mate, you can't drive, can you?
- Yes.


- Aaaaaaah..
- Speed camera!

Howard! Howard!

Jeez, I thought Bollo had big feet, look at this!


Now don't panic anyone. I'm a shaman - we've studied Yeties,
haven't we, Bollo? There's something they don't like, what is it?

- Uuuh.. cheese?
- No.

- Uuuh.. lipstick?
- No..

- Uuh.. connect-four?
- No!

Uuuh.. mirrors! They're scared of their own
reflection! If only we had a mirror..

- What size do you need?
- What?

Well, do you want a hand held, full length, make-up
mirror, this one's good for close-ups.

Great, give me that.

- Actually, I think that was unicorns..
- Nice try.

Kalamalooo... Cachoola, Panto, Tatsita, Sacoolo, Fanto.

- We thougt you've been killed!
- What? By these guys? They're peaceful.

What's wrong with you? What's wrong with
your eyes? You look weird, Howard.

Howard? Oh yes, I remember him. Paranoid. At odds
with himself. He's gone now. Say hello to Parsley.

- Parsley? What's the matter with you?
- I feel free inside.

- That's great Parsley, let's get out of here.
- Whoa there, what's the rush? Stay a while.

- This is my home now.
- What - in the woods?

- Come! Let me show you.
- You've gone insane!

I resisted at first, but now the rhythms of the forest
flow through me, and they can flow through you, too.

~ Follow me, forget the world.
Look around at the wonders of nature ~

~ Never fear, everything is here.
And you don't need your friends or family ~

~ We are family ~

~ Come with me and then you will see.
Everything you need within life ~

~ Hey, ho, it's easy letting go.
When nothing before was real ~

~ Look into our eyes, you can see the future.
Look into our eyes, we can see your soul ~

~ We will be together.
Everything is here ~

- He's gone wrong!
- I know, he's in a trance.

It's all part of the ritual - it's what they
do before they breed with you.

- What's Bollo doing?!
- Aah, he's gone too..

Listen, Vince, this is Yeti magic, don't listen to the hippie
nonsense. You're a punk, stay punk, think of Johnny Thunders.

- Right.
- Mick and Keith. Block it out.

- Okay, but what about you, Naboo?
- Don't worry about me, I'm a shaman. My minds like a fortress.

~ Listen to your heart, everything is good here.
Nothing before was real ~

~ Never fear, everything is here.
And you don't need your friends or family ~

~ Listen to your heart, it's easy letting go.
We are family, we are family ~

~ Look into our eyes, you can see the future.
Look into our eyes, we can see your soul ~

~ Hey, ho, it's easy letting go.
When nothing before was real ~

~ Listen to your heart, everything is good here.
Nothing before was real ~

~ Listen to your heart, everything is good here.
Listen to your heart, everything is good.. ~

- Huh?
- Run for your lives!

- Where am I?
- Aaaaargh! I've got bunches!

Where's my turban?

It's the gueen and she's horny as hell!
Run little Vincey, I'll save you!

Come here, you little Yeti-biatch!


No, no... uh.. aaaargh!

Aaaargh, oh little to the left, oh yeah..
Vince I didn't get your email!

Wait for me!

Security to aisle seven, please.

- Sorry..
- Aaaaargh..

- Malt loaf.
- What?

- Malt loaf.
- What are you talking about?

- It's what the Yeties are afraid of!
- Great, just in time there, Naboo.

I had some of as well, it's on the GI diet.

- Can we go to the Goofy lounge next year?
- That's fine by me.

- Thank you!
- Good day sir.

New Global Explorer's in. Hahahaaa..

I don't believe it!

Vince Noir finds Yeti! Hahaha cool!

I say, old bean, would you be kind enough
to sign a copy for my wife?

- No problem.
- Make it out to Allan.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

Oh dear...