The Mighty Boosh (2003–2007): Season 1, Episode 8 - Hitcher - full transcript

Bob Fossil has a big problem at Zoo-niverse. Ivan the bear has developed some very anti-social habits and attacks Fossil. After Naboo saves his life, Fossil arranges a place for Ivan at an Animal Offenders' Institute. All he has to do is find a couple of idiots to drive Ivan there in the clapped-out old Zoo-niverse van. All Howard and Vince have to do is get there and back, in one piece, without falling foul of the Hitcher.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Welcome to the show.
My name's Howard Moon.

- This is Vince Noir.
- All right?

This week l'm gonna be playing
a host of characters.

But don't be afraid. lt's just that
as an actor l can play any emotion.

- l've seen him. lt's pretty powerful.
- Yeah.

Here's a little taster of what l can do.

- What's that?
- Grief of a sailor.

- That is genius. Do another one.
- You like that?

- What's that?
- Cornish guilt.

- How's that? You likin' it?
- Cornish guilt? Timeless characters.

- Can you act?
- Can l act?

Not really, no.

That was me acting then.

Likin' that. The twist-around.

- What else have you got?
- Loads of stuff.

Go on, then. Surprise me.

Welcome to the show. the world of The Mighty Boosh.

# Come with us to The Mighty Boosh
# The Mighty Boosh

# Come with us to The Mighty Boosh #

And now, kids, our final stop
on the tour of the Zooniverse...

- lvan, the hairy Russian carpet guy.
- The bear?

Well, yeah, if you wanna use the Latin.

Anyway, when this guy's
not busy being a carpet,

he lo-o-o-oves his dancin'.

And accompanying him today

is Vince Noir and his lowly assistant,
Howard Moon.

- You know what we're doing?
- An electro-pop classic.

No, jazz funk. We did electro
last week. lt's jazz funk this week.

Hey, dung-heads, let's move it along.

OK. This is a track l've composed myself.

lt's a kind of slap-bass odyssey,
if you like.

lt's called, simply, Particle. Thanks.

One, two, three, four.

(# Slap bass)


- He doesn't look happy.
- Cos he's a communist.

He doesn't understand
the service industry.

What he doesn't understand is,

if carpet-man don't dance,

carpet-man don't eat.

- (Roars)
- You seem kind of scared.

But don't worry, these bars
could stop a speeding juggernaut.

Head for the hills!
You're on your own, everybody!

Don't kill me! l loved Lenin!

Naboo, you saved my life.

l have to kiss you passionately
on the mouth.

Ooh! My nuts!

Oh, yeah. This is more like it, eh?

Getting out on the open road,
getting away from the zoo.

Yeah. l feel at home on the road, Vince.

lt's in my blood.

l think it's because, when l was young,
l moved around a lot.

l lived with my parents, but on
weekends l'd visit my grandparents,

and they lived over 40 minutes away,
in Wakefield.

l think, from that, l developed a kind
of spiritual...wanderlust, if you like.

Yeah. l always felt a kinship

with the nomadic peoples
of the Kalahari.

- No way.
- Mm. lt's true.

- No way!
- Yeah, a deep bond.

They're making a Bollywood version
of The Fonz.

Have you listened to anything l've said?

Er...something about calamari.
l'm not hungry.

l'm trying to have a conversation here.

l'm trying to get some deep
conversation going. Cos l'm driving.

- What d'you want to talk about?
- Well, you know, about me.

l'm a free spirit. l can't be hemmed in.

People try to put me in a box
but l break free.

- Who's trying to put you in a box?
- That's the nature of me.

- Who's trying to put you in a box?
- Well, people, you know. The man.

Have you contacted the police
about this?

- No. The man. You know.
- What are you on about?

People try to put people in boxes.

No one's trying to put you in a box.
You're the wrong size.

Let's forget about this conversation.

- How would you even get in a box?
- Read your magazine.

- You wanted to have a conversation.
- l'm suddenly tired of that.

Just check on lvan, will you?

- How's he doing?
- He looks a bit bored.

- What are you doing?
- Giving him something to read.

- The Face? He's a Russian bear.
- So what?

Give him some Chekov.

- D'you want something to eat?
- Yeah, l'm quite hungry.

l've got it all in here.
Ultraviolets, flying saucers,

strawberry bootlace. Get involved.

Have you got any food?

- Yeah. Saturn zingers.
- No, like real food.

- Neptune fizz.
- Have you ever heard of rice?

l've heard of Rice Krispies.
Hey, Howard...

Check this out.


That's how turtles eat.

This journey's gonna fly by.

- l made some tapes for the journey.
- Oh, right.

This is The Best Of The '60s.

And this is The Best Of The '70s.

And Gary Numan.

- No. No way. We're not having that.
- What?

- Oh, come on.
- Absolutely not.

l'm drawing a line under that. That's it.

- Why?
- l'm driving. We're having my music.

- Oh, not jazz?
- No.

This, my friend, is jazz funk.

Oh... The double. That's even worse.

The cerebral musicality of jazz mixed
with the visceral groove of funk.

- Funk? Funk?
- What a combo.

Jazz's deformed cousin.

- (# Repetitive jazz funk)
- Check this out.

Feeling that?
Wait till the slap-bass solo comes in.

lt's coming up.

lt's coming up now.

Maybe it's on the other side.

Here we are, it's coming now.
This is it. lt's coming up.

- Just...need to...
- (Tape fast-forwards)

lt's coming up now. Ready for this?

Ah! lt's not that. Just a minute.
lt's coming.

The next... lt sounds
the same a bit before and then...

- Really?
- lt's coming.

lt's coming up. lt's coming up.

- (# Slap bass)
- Ooh!

- Feel the power of that.
- lt's embarrassing.

The thumb-work. Ooh!

- Wow! What...
- (Growling)

- What's happening?
- lvan's going mad.

lt's slap bass. He doesn't like it.

Doesn't like it? What does he like?

(Gary Numan )
# Here in my car l feel safest of all

# l can lock all my doors
lt's the only way to live

# ln cars

# Here in my car l can only receive

# l can listen to you

# lt keeps me stable for days
ln cars... #

(Tyres screech )

- Are we nearly there yet?
- No. No, we're not.

l might have a little sleepie.

You're not having a little sleepie.

- Oh, come on.
- No. lt's your job to entertain me.

- D'you want me to do a little dance?
- Well, do something.

l've got something. l know exactly
what to do. You'll love this.

Put him away.

- Don't get him out again.
- l've got others.

l don't wanna know.
Can't you just tell me a story?

About what?

When you were growing up
in the forests.

- You've heard all those.
- l like to hear them again.

All right.

When l was young, l was raised
in the forests by Bryan Ferry.

lt was amazing. Magic times.

(# Mock Bryan Ferry vocals)

l loved hanging out with Ferry.
We used to go hunting, fishing...

We lived in a small house
made out of bus tickets.

Brilliant. Problem was,
Bryan used to go on tour quite a lot.

So he used to leave me
with various animals.

Once he left me with
the Jahooley, the leopard,

who was pretty irresponsible.

He took me out killing gazelles,

knowing that Bryan
was a strict vegetarian.

He used to feed me
the soft, tasty meat.

Afterwards, l'd be so full
l'd need a little sleepie.

But just as l was nodding off,

Kalooney, the dirty cobra,
came whisking up the side of the tree.

He said to me...

l said, ''Why? What you on about?''

He said, ''Because the monkey-folk
plan to steal your face.''

''What d'you mean?''

The king wanted a man's face
in order to be a proper king.

He'd seen mine
and that was the one he wanted.

He tried to get Columbo's,
but that was on too tight.

Anyway, the problem was
it was so hot in the jungle

and l was so full, l fell asleep.

(Howard) You idiot. Oh, no!

- l know.
- Oh, no!

- What an idiot.
- What happened next?

That's another story for another time.

- What?
- That's the end.

That's not. lt's the beginning
of something interesting.

Listen, that's the end of that saga.

What? Are you lcelandic?

l want the end of the story.

l went so far and now l'm stopping.

Who are you, dealing stories in chunks?
Johnny Segment?

Yeah. l'm a storyteller.
l'll decide... You've had your fill.

You can't get a man all juiced up
and leave him dangling like that.

- That's my style.
- The dangler?

- Yeah, the juicy dangler.
- You're ill.

- You've had your word nourishment.
- l'm empty.

- l need the pudding.
- You're so greedy.

- What?
- Greedy for the verse.

- Just... Come on.
- Slow down.

Ridiculous. How much further
have we got to go?

According to the map,
the Animal Offender Zoo's here.

But if we take Fossil's route,
it's about six hours.

Useless. So why don't we take
this short cut?

- What short cut?
- The next left.

- Through this forest?
- Yeah.

- Are you sure?
- We'll be there in about 20 minutes.

- Where the hell are we?
- l don't know.

l thought if we came down this road
we'd cut out a lot of time.

- What road?
- This road here.

What, this thin, red road?

That's a raspberry bootlace, you berk.

l was just trying to help, all right?

How have you helped on this journey?

You bring sweets, not food,
tell stories that don't end properly

and bring Gary Numan's
entire back catalogue.

- A powerful body of work.
- A powerful stench.

- l've had enough of your abuse.
- What you gonna do?

- l'm vacating the vehicle.
- What are you doing?

- l'll walk.
- Where? Down Raspberry Avenue?

- You're in a forest.
- Whatever.

You won't last five minutes without me.

Howard! Stop the van!
Howard, stop. Wait.


You couldn't walk away, could you?

- My scarf's caught in the wheel.
- Right.

- See you later.
- Yeah. Bye.

Technically, you're not a Peeping Tom
if it's one of your relatives.

- More tea, Naboo?
- No, l'm fine.

Well, if you're not gonna have
any tea, l am. l love my tea.

Oh, no! Howard and Vince are in danger.

- How do you know?
- lt's written in the tea leaves.

Naboo, this is terrible!

But on the bright side, we can get
together more. Where are you going?

To save Howard and Vince.

- l'll come.
- No, it's fine.

- No, l must protect you!
- l wish you wouldn't.

Who's there?

Vince, it is l, Bryan Ferry.

- No way!
- Look at you!

Vince, my child, so many years have
passed, but l knew you would return.

l love what you've done with the place.

l would have tidied it
if l'd known you were coming.

- These ferns, are they new?
- lKEA.

Look at you! All grown up.

ls this what they wear in the city of men?

- Pretty much.
- Huh! Ridiculous.

Let us celebrate your return

with feasts and music
and the slaughtering of a hound.

l can't really stay that long, Bryan.

l've got a life in the city. A job.

- Job?
- Yeah, in a zoo.

Zoo? What is zoo?

You'd love it. lt's a bit like a forest
but they keep the animals in cages.

No! Animals should never
be kept in cages!

lt's just a stopgap, you psycho.
l'm gonna be a singer, like you.

But you were the least musical
of my children.

Even Colto, the deaf horse,
could sing better.

Colto. How is Colto?

- He's working on his third album now.
- Really?

Experimental stuff.

- Eno is producing.
- Wow!

What about my best friend,
Jahooley, the leopard?

Jahooley is gone.

There is a curse upon the forest, Vince.

Many of the creatures have disappeared.

Taken by Baboo Yagoo,
the green man-witch.


Some say he is the devil himself.

Others say he is a man
pretending to be the devil,

with green make-up
and...special lighting.

But that is nonsense.

He is as real as this forest.

- Anyway, look, Bryan...
- (Rustling)

Anyway, look, Bryan, l better get going.

l've got to find my mate, Howard.
We had a bit of an argument.

- ls he in danger?
- Probably.

He gets in danger, l go and sort it out.
That's how the show works.

Take this horn.
And if you are in peril, blow upon't.

l will come running as fast as
Hundoo-oo-oo, the Volkswagen.

Thanks. l've got something
for you, Bryan.

- Agh!
- There you go.

- What is this?
- A tape. lt's my new demo.

- My new band. See you later.
- Thank you. Take care, child.

Ah. Tape. Yes.

Of course, it is all MP3 now.
These are obsolete.

Oh, yeah, the open road.

This is more like it.

A man alone with his dreams.

That's me, Howard Moon.

What's that? A hitchhiker?.

Yeah, right, l'm gonna stop for you
in this dark wood.

So...are you going far?

D'you live round here, do you?

Well, obviously not in the woods.
lt would be weird if you lived here.

What's in the box?

Travel sweets, is it? (Chuckles)

Travel sweets! That's one of mine.

Big box like that with small sweets
in it would be funny.

Shall we have some music?

Ease the tension. Let's have the radio.

(# Mock Doors: Riders On The Storm )

# lf you give this man a ride
Sweet mama, you will die

# Killer on the road... #

Too much music in the world.

(Clears throat)

Quite a thumb you got there.
Bet there's a story there.

You want to know about my thumb, boy?

lntrigue you, does it, boy? My thumb?

Let me tell you about it.

l come from a long line of hitchhikers,

all with bleedin' massive thumbs.

The thumb is a tremendous boon
to the hitchhiker.

Helps with work. You know what l mean?

Only problem was, when l was a child
my thumb was tiny.

Not just tiny,
like a single Sugar Puff. Disgusting.

Even me own mother would
reel back in horror like an anaconda.

''What is it? Get it out of here!
lt's tiny! lt's horrible! lt's revolting!

''Take your tiny thumb
and get out of here

''and never darken my door again,''
she'd say.

l had to leave the family unit,
in search of a miracle.

l wandered the streets,
looking for the answer.

People told me of a magic shaman,
part man, part hornet.

So l went looking for him.
l went everywhere.

l combed the universe
in search of the stripy-insect shaman.

lt turns out he was
in a local primary school, in the bin,

reeling about with the apple cores,
like they do.

l stood there with my thumb out
and he stung it, he grabbed onto it.

lt was like he was making love to it
with his sting. ln and out!

ln and out! More and more!
Oh, the pus, the pain!

The black voodoo, the wet jigsaw puzzle.

l didn't know what was happening.
For days l was in a trance.

But when l came to, there it was,
like a fleshy maraca.

A thumb of gigantic proportion.

''A miracle!'' l said, ''A miracle.
You're a true wizard.

''How can l ever repay you?''

He said to me, ''500 euros.''

''500 euros? You won't see
penny-one from me, you slag!''

And as l raised my thumb up
to smash his tiny skull in,

l could see in his little insect face.

l could see him thinking,
''Oh, l created that monster.

''l created that thumb
and now it's killing me.

''My own beast in creation
killing me dead! The sweet irony.''

l think he was saying that
but it was a long time ago.

ln hindsight, he could've
just been shitting himself.

Anywhere here?

Stop the car!

- Don't kill me!
- What?

Don't kill me. l've got so much to give!

l ain't gonna kill you, mate.
l need a sprinkle, you onion.

Oh. Right.

l'm gonna slash like a powerful horse.


Whoa! Whoa!

Comin' out of me like yellow cable.


Whoa, yeah!

l've been backed up for some time, boy.

Come back here! Oi!

Yeah, right. l'm not hanging about
while you relieve yourself.

l'm Howard Moon, man of action.
With things to do.

(# Spooky music )

(Music stops)


Can't hurt to have a little look inside,
can it, eh? Why not?

(Owl hoots)


(# Repetitive tune)

# Trapped in a box
By a Cockney nut-job

# 'Ave a cuppa tea, 'ave a cuppa tea

# l'm the Hitcher
Let me put you in the picture

# Creepin' in your room
ln the dead of night

# With me solo Polo vision
# That's right

# l'm a Cockney geezer
Watch me bleed ya

# l knew the Ripper
When he was just a nipper

# l taught him how to slice
l cut him up a treat

# Pound your banana
# Two pound your pear

# Pound your banana
# Two pound your pear

# Pound your banana
# Two pound your pear

# 14 shillings for your melons
# Oh, yeah

# We're the Piper twins
We're Jim and Jackie Piper

# We cut through the night
Like a windscreen...

# Wiping you away like raindrops

# Don't mess with the boys
# Shut your noise

# Comin' in strong
Like a freak-show nightmare

# Dancin' skeletons
White, blue and yellow 'uns

# Movin' through the shadows
With the speed of a cat

# And if you cross us we'll cut you
# You ain't gonna like that

# l'm bad juju
l use voodoo if l choose to

# l harness the forces of evil
To abuse you

# With power, a Polo, an evil magnet

# We're suckin' up your soul
# You ain't gonna like that #

- Oh, me back's gone.
- Not again.

- lt's totally gone.
- Grab his legs.

- Ohh!
- Easy.

That's why you should never
bring a cricket bat to Greece.

- Where to, Naboo?
- Left at the lights.

(Dripping water)



- Hey.
- Aah! Oh... Vince.

- How's it going?
- Good. Great. lt's going well.

What are you doing here?

A weird bloke picked me up,
put me in his box.

Yeah. He was hideous, wasn't he?

Hideous? l thought
he had a certain bony charm.

- l can't believe we're trapped in a box.
- Yeah.

l thought you couldn't
get trapped in boxes.

That was a metaphorical box.
This is an actual box. Slight difference.

lt's massive, this box. Check this out.

Hello? (Echoes)

Hello! Welcome to my zoo
for animal offenders.

We get all kinds of garb in here.
Behold...the Nazi turtle.

A freshwater fascist for all the family.

Over on the left, the Ku Klux goose.

- (Clucks)
- You all right, boy?

But our finest over here.

Feast your eyes...on Trevor Robinson,

the shire horse
with over 37 parking tickets!

All unpaid, mind. Evil hooves.

- What d'you want with us?
- l'm gonna slice you up.

Oh, l'm a Cockney nut-job.

He slashes one way,
he slashes the other.

He slashes diagonal,

he's like Connect Four in dagger terms.

l'm gonna cut you up
and feed you to my menagerie.

But l ain't all evil.

Any last requests,
l'll be happy to service 'em.

- Young lady, anything?
- That's you.

l've got an idea.

- ls it all right if l blow this?
- l don't see why not.

Leave this to me.

(Deep blast)

(Hoover drowns out horn)

- What was that?
- Give it to me a minute, boy.

Oh, it's a lovely horn.
Let me have a go at this.

(Melodious blast)


What about you, squire?
Anything l can do before l cut you up?

Well, l always thought l'd fade away
to...some slap bass.

But l don't suppose that's
music you're familiar with.

l beg your pardon?

What do you think this is?

l'm a leading exponent
of the jazz-funk movement.

l'm the slap-bass president,
for God's sake.

Oh, yeah, it used to be Mark King,
but we had a thumb duel.

l smashed him into the ground
like a blond tent peg.

''Get back to Level 42
and go about your business.''

(# Slap bass)


You love it, you slags!


- He's all right, this guy.
- Can you feel the funk?



Oh, no!

- Look at that.
- He's melted.

l ain't melted, you onion. l'm over here.

You'll never catch me. l'm off!

Well, that was a narrow squeak, eh?

Yeah. Let's get back to the zoo quickly.

- You sure you know how to drive?
- Yeah, it's easy.

You don't have to do that with
your hands. lt's a straight road.

(Groans) You fools, you smashed me
with your iron horse.

- Who are you?
- Bryan Ferry, ruler of the forest.

- Have you ever seen Bryan Ferry?
- Yeah. What's your point?

You look like Terry Wogan.