The Mighty Boosh (2003–2007): Season 2, Episode 3 - Nanageddon - full transcript

Vince and Howard attempt to impress some goth girls by stealing and using Naboo's dark spells book. They raise one of the most horrid of demons, Nanatoo, and it's up to them to make things right before she ransacks the city.

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(CAT MEOWING)

(JAZZ MUSIC ON STEREO)

(SCATTING)

-Hey, Bollo.
-Howard.

-What are you up to tonight?
-DJing at Rollerdisco.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, I DJ myself.

-I never seen you.
-Well, you know, I keep it low key.



Work peripheries mainly, you know.

Teacher training colleges,
village fetes, that sort of thing.

Little tip for you. What I do,
I stick to classic jazz when I DJ, yeah?

And then, just when they're least expecting it,
drop some Weather Report in.

Ow! Blows their minds.
Might want to try that yourself.

I have to go now.

See you later.

Idiot.

(SCATTING)

What's going on in here?

Jazz night, Monday night, you coming?

(SCATTING)

Oh, no way. I need this room tonight.

-Well, you can't have it.
-Why not?



Take a look at my yearly planner.

(WIND BLOWING)

-Oh, can't you cancel that?
-No, I can't cancel it.

I'll be letting a lot of people down
if I did that, wouldn't I?

A lot of people? Like who?

-Members of the Jazz Club.
-Members of the Jazz Club?

It's just you and that old gimmer Horace.
Oh, can't you blow him out?

No, I can't.
I'm all he's got since his wife left him, okay?

-He's on the edge as it is.
-All right.

-I'll have to ring the girls, tell them it's off.
-What?

Oh, just a couple of Gothic girls, you know.
Pretty sexy, two of them, two of us.

Thought it might be fun. Don't worry about it.

I'll go round theirs,
try my luck at the Gothic three-way.

Hi, Horace.
Jazz is off tonight, something's cropped up.

(GUNSHOT)

I don't think Horace is going to be able
to make it tonight.

So I'm freed up. What time are the girls coming?

Yeah, the thing is, these are Goth girls,
so there might be a bit of a problem.

-Why?
-Well, you're gonna have to get a bit dark like me.

Like you?
You're the least dark person I've ever met.

-You're like candy floss.
-You cut me open and I'm made of Black Jacks.

-You're Fruit Salad, Vince, everyone knows that.
-It's not Vince, I've changed my name.

-What?
-It's Obsidian now.

-Obsidian?
-Yeah, Obsidian Blackbird McNight.

Whatever. Inside, I'm darker than you. Yeah?
There's a dark poetry to me, yes, sir.

Yeah, you can blag all that internal stuff.
I'm talking about the look, you know.

-I mean, what are we going to do with your hair?
-What's wrong with it?

-It's a bit thin, isn't it?
-It's not thin, it's fine.

You're not joking.
Can't even feel it, it's like brown smoke.

Look, my hair is soft and gentle.
I get a lot of compliments about it. Girls like it.

Yeah, not Goth girls, though.

What am I going to do, then?
Can you help me out?

I don't know.

You must have something to boost it up.

Come on, you got a BTEC National in hair design.

All right. But lucky for you, there's this.

Goth Juice, the most powerful hairspray
known to man.

Made from the tears of Robert Smith.

Give me some of that.

Easy, you don't know
what you're dealing with here. Back off a bit.

A bit more, all right. Now, throw me that satsuma.

Wow, that is some pretty powerful hold.

Yeah. Right, use it sparingly, yeah?

Help yourself to my wardrobe.
I'll meet you later on.

-What time?
-Midnight.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Hey, Naboo, I need a favour.

I went to the Black Spider last night
and met these beautiful Goth girls, yeah?

The thing is, I got drunk,
I kind of told them I was a warlock.

So, I was just wondering,
you haven't got any magic spells

or any tricks or anything, you know,
that I can impress them with?

Vince, I'd love to help you
but I'm banned by shamanic law

to only use my power for a noble cause.

Get lost! I've seen you on your magic carpet
when you can't get a taxi.

-You've seen nothing.
-I've seen everything.

You try Zingo and if that don't work,
you're on the rug.

Yeah, don't tell anyone about that, will you?

All right, I won't, but maybe you can help me out.

-All right, come on.
-Yes. Cheers, Naboo.

Kalamanoohuh!

-This is my library of magic books.
-Wow.

-What's this?
-That's Houdini's diary.

I bet that lets you into a few secrets.

I don't know, I can't get it open.

-Look at this one.
-Don't touch that.

-All right, easy.
-This is black magic. This is hardcore.

-Don't mess with the occult.
-I thought it was good for you.

-What?
-You know, good for your digestive system.

-That's Yakult.
-Oh, yeah.

-You ready? Cab's here.
-Yeah.

Good.

This is beige magic. It's more your level.

Oh, cheers, Naboo. You're a diamond.

(BELL TOLLING)

Do you like my new watch?

Nice, where did you get it?

Topgoth.

So are you really a sorcerer, then?

Yeah.

-When are we going to do some sorcery?
-Right now.

Just going to call up my assistant.

Ladies.

Anthrax, Ebola.

Howard Moon.

-He's pretty dark.
-I'm the Dark Side of the Moon.

(CHUCKLING)

That's one of mine.

(TROUSERS SPLITTING)

Howard, can I have a word?

-I can't....
-What are you doing?

I can't breathe.

These are Goth girls, yeah?
They don't like jokes, they don't even smile, yeah?

Do some dark stuff, freak them out a bit.

-Went to a graveyard today.
-Yeah?

Yeah. Got naked.

Did a shit on a tombstone.

Have you got the book, Howard?

-There you go, Vince.
-Vince?

I mean Obsidian Raven McBovril....

-Obsidian Blackbird McNight.
-McNight.

Thank you.

Prepare yourselves for some powerful magic.

I've seen his work, he's pretty good.

-Do you mind?
-Sorry.

(CHANTING)

-Is this a joke?
-Erm....

Yeah, it's just a joke. It's the wrong book.

I'll just go and get the proper one.

Howard, you keep things ticking along here, yeah?
I think we're well in.

I killed a swan yesterday.

Did a shit on it.

Right on it.

I'll go and check on the sorcerer,
see how he's getting on.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Vince.

Well done, Ali Bongo. This is going well, isn't it?

I'm dying on my arse out there.

-What do you expect?
-What do you mean?

-You could have shaved your moustache off.
-Why?

Goths don't have moustaches.
You look like Tom Selleck.

This is going nowhere, okay?
I'm bringing the moustache back.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Don't worry about it, all right,
because I've got an idea.

Hey, isn't that Naboo's book of black magic?

-I thought you were dark.
-I am, but that's stealing.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Right, then.
You girls ready for something pretty dark?

Whatever.

Vince, I'm not sure about this.

What's wrong, Howard? You scared?

No.

(CHANTING SPELL)

Hello, dear.

(SARCASTICALLY) An old lady? I'm terrified.

This is rubbish.

Don't go. That's the thing with summoning,
you don't know who you're going to get.

It's like lucky dip.
One week you get an old lady, the next week....

-Yeah, I mean, who did we have last week?
-Hitler.

Hitler, yeah, we played Pictionary with him.
He was a right laugh.

-He couldn't draw to save his life.
-I did a shit on him.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Well done. I knew it.
You always have to spoil it, don't you?

I knew I should have gone
for the Gothic three-way.

It's not my fault.
You summoned up Granny Scroggins.

Where is she?

(DOOR OPENING)

-It's Naboo.
-Go on, put his book back or he'll kill you.

-Where's it gone?
-I don't know.

-What are we going to do?
-Act natural.

The thing I like about jazz was the movement
from bebop to modal jazz in the late '50s,

where they made more of a use
of the flat nine chord.

-Very fascinating.
-And....

-Hey, guys.
-Hey!

-How was the Rollerdisco?
-I was on fire, banging out tune after tune.

-Yeah. Drop any weather report?
-Get stuffed.

Fair enough.

Naboo, you are looking good today.
You been working out?

You're looking taut, fit and svelte.

We love you, Naboo.
I don't know if we mentioned that.

Love what you're about, you know,
all the aspects of you.

-You're a powerful character.
-Have you been going through my stuff?

-No.
-I knew it. I told you not to mess with the occult.

-Sorry about that.
-What have you done?

-We might have summoned up a tiny demon.
-Demonette.

I don't believe this.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Hey, Naboo, sorry about that.

-Get out.
-Oh, come on, Naboo.

You've gone too far this time.
I'm going to have to turn my back on you.

-Sorry, Naboo.
-Come on, don't be like that.

Let that be a lesson to you.
Right, let's sort this mess out.

This is Spotlight for Demons. They're all in here.

-What are we looking for? Horns?
-VINCE: No.

-Green skin?
-Not really. Just a little old lady.

-What?
-A harmless old woman, you know.

Not this one?

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Yeah, that's her.
I was getting quite a good vibe off her, actually.

-You summoned Nanatoo.
-Nanatoo?

She's the evilest demon known to man.
She's got five stars.

Is that bad?

We're going to have to reverse the spell.
Where's the book?

Right, er...have you got a copy of that book?

-7,000 years old.
-Right.

Yeah, Naboo, you might want to start
backing your stuff up.

I don't think you realise what you've done.

If Nanatoo gets the book, she's going to multiply.

Raise an evil army of Nanas.

There'll be blood on the streets,
there'll be fire in the sky.

You know what this means?

Nanageddon!

-Excuse me.
-What do you want, Wrinkles?

(SCREAMING)

When you are the moon,

the best for you can be is a full moon...

and then a half moon, he's all right.

But the full moon is the famous moon,

and, like, three quarters,

no one gives a shit about him.

When does he come?
Two days into the calendar month. He's useless.

Full moon, the moon.

The main moon.

It saddens me to see you
under these circumstances, Naboo.

You have been summoned
before the Board of Shaman

for the most grievous of crimes.

You let the book of spells
fall into the hands of the demon Nanatoo.

This is Nanageddon.

-It's Nanageddon.
-Nanageddon.

-Nanageddon.
-I wasn't even there, I was DJing with Bollo.

-DJing with your familiar?
-Highly unorthodox behaviour, Naboo.

Even for you.

These two guys I live with,
they tried to use the book to impress these girls.

''Oh, I'm Naboo. Nothing is ever my fault.''

What's it go to do with you?

It's got everything to do with me,
and more to boot.

-You've never liked me, have you?
-No.

-And you're perfect?
-I'm pretty good.

I've seen your CV, there's nothing on it.
I live my life.

Live your life?
You live with a couple of doss bags and an ape.

(GROWLING)

-What? You are an ape.
-Oh, well, yeah.

Yeah, you've read all the books,
but when it comes to the crunch, where are you?

The crunch?
How dare you speak to me of the crunch?

You know nothing of the crunch,
you've never even been to the crunch.

-I've been there once.
-Oh, a little day trip round the crunch.

We can all go as tourists.
''Oh, that's a bit of crunch....''

Shut it!

Look, I'll sort it out. Just give me more time.

Well, perhaps I could grant you an extra 24 hours.

-How can you allow this?
-Here we go.

He's guilty. It is written in the Law of the Shaman

that if you lose the book,
your powers will be suspended.

-I know this.
-This is an outrage. You must do your duty.

-He must be punished.
-He must be punished.

-He must be punished.
-He must be punished.

Silence.

-I'm afraid, on this occasion, Saboo and....
-Tony.

-Tony....
-Harrison.

...Tony Harrison are right.

Your powers must be revoked
and your familiar impounded until further notice.

-Oh, but I DJ at Fabric on Tuesday.
-Not anymore you don't.

-Can I still get on the guest list?
-Maybe.

And now, though it pains me to do this,

we must all turn our backs upon you.

Look, I'll get the book back, you'll see.
I won't let you down.

I'm Naboo, that's who.

Whatever.

You plum, Naboo, your powers have been revoked.

Yeah? I've got a travelcard.

I will get that book for you, sire.

But it is a dangerous mission.
I shall assign you a partner.

Very well, I will go with Kirk.

Kirk is not to be trusted in these matters.

Kirk is a violent and sexually
deranged being from the fourth dimension.

Kirk, is it true you are still an erotic adventurer
of the most deranged kind?

-Yes.
-Very well. Who shall I go with?

You shall go with Tony Harrison there.

Oh, come on.

What's your beef?

He's got not legs. He can't walk.

How dare you?
I come fully equipped with a papoose.

If you need to move me around,
I slot in the back like a peanut.

If you're against the papoose system,

I've got a wheel that clicks into my chin
like a skate.

What are you, a kit?

Am I going to have to assemble this Kinder Egg
and take him with me?

-Tony has a gift for strategy.
-A gift for strategy?

That's right, I'm a unique thinker.

Right, let us hear
one of Tony Harrison's stratagems.

Come on, Tony. Don't let me down.

I say we move with haste,

we retrieve that book,

we fetch it back...in a bag,

and quite quickly.

Oh, dear.

Just give me five minutes,
I can come up with something else.

I only need pen and paper
and someone to write down my ideas.

You are a knob.

Oh, if I was a younger man, I'd take you on.
Come on, let's see what you've got.

Look, I can't have this kind of guy in the field
when I'm trying to work.

You shall go with Tony Harrison
and that is the end of it.

Very well, sire. But if,
when it comes to the crunch, he lets me down,

I shall hold you personally responsible.

Likewise. If this prick screws up,
I'll ditch him quick smart.

For somebody who looks like a ball, you really....

Sometimes I wonder at the team
I have assembled here.

Oh, excuse me, sir,
could you tell me the way to Brick Lane?

Yeah, sure, what you do is,
you go down there and....

-You've ruined me.
-Hey, Naboo, how's it going?

I told you not to look in the book,
but you had to have a little look, didn't you?

-He's off his face.
-I know. What's the matter, Naboo?

-They've taken away my powers.
-What?

I just spent six hours on the Northern line.

-Look, Naboo, maybe we can help you out.
-You've done enough.

Sorry about all this, Naboo.

I'm going to have to turn my back on you now
once and for all.

What are we going to do? He's in a right state.

I'll tell you what we're going to do.

We got him into this
and we're going to get him out of it.

We're going to track down that old woman,
we're going to find that book,

we're going to bring it back
and we're going to restore Naboo's powers.

Yeah, but how are we going to find that old lady?
She could be anywhere.

Old Comanche Indian saying,

''Best way to hide a leaf is in a forest.''

You think she's in the forest?

-You're a bit done-up, aren't you?
-Exactly, that's my look.

I'm trying to look like a nana
who was quite saucy in the '50s.

-Glamour nana.
-We're supposed to be blending in.

Oh, really? What, like you with your moustache?

Listen.... It's those girls.

-Ladies.
-Nice outfits.

Yeah, I've still got the magic.

Hey, Howard, isn't that the old lady?

-I don't know, they all look the same.
-It is. Leave this to me.

-Listen, lady, where's the book?
-What book, dear?

Don't give me the runaround,
you know what I'm talking about.

-I really don't know what you mean.
-Give me it.

-Howard, rough her up a bit.
-What?

Go on.

Howard, she hasn't got it.
It's just a selection of cakes.

Sorry.

-Left or right, Tony?
-Uh....

-Left or right?
-All right.

It's a simple question, left or right.

I can't work under this kind of pressure.

Great, brilliant, we've overshot.
Well done, Tony Harrison. Very good.

What, we missed the turning?

We're gonna have to go all the way round now
'cause it's a one-way deal.

-You absolute jerk-off.
-How dare you, you cleft?

You've got one job, Tony, one job,
and that's to read the map.

My navigational skills are second to none.

It's just that you put the map
too far away from me.

I'm sorry, Tony, I'm sorry.
I'm just used to working with people

with a little bit more than a one-foot reach.

Where are we? What are we going to do?

-We could ask someone.
-Who are we going to ask? The moon?

That's not a bad idea.

-Fine, let's ask the moon.
-Let's do it, then.

One time, I saw a man looking at me,

yes, with his eyes,

and then he picked up a tube

and he look in the tube

and he made the moon big inside the tube.

The moon big inside the tube.

Oh, a telescope.

You see, that is why you do not ask the moon.

Listen, I took a chance, all right?

We asked the moon,
I didn't know he was an alabaster retard, did I?

You are a disgrace, Tony.

-To be honest, I feel a little bit sick.
-Oh.

-I do suffer from motion sickness.
-Oh, really, do you?

You should see me on coaches, it's even worse.

-Well, that's dynamite, Tony.
-As for ferries, I'm all over the shop.

When me and Mrs Harrison go to Calais,
it's a nightmare.

I'm on the deck the whole time.

Take me through every mode of transportation

and how each one makes you hurl, Tony,
while we're lost so....

Horses. I'm good on horses.

If you can't even handle a little carpet,

what are you going to do
when we come to the crunch?

Oh, my word! Are we back to the crunch?

-The crunch, what are you going to do?
-Oh, here we fucking go.

The crunch this, the crunch that.
Why are you so obsessed with the crunch?

-Do you want to know about the crunch?
-I do, yes.

Because you are going to meet the crunch
a little bit before me, my friend.

(TONY SCREAMING)

Oh, this is an outrage!

Saboo, you slag!

Good evening, ladies, and welcome to the bingo.

May I say you're all looking lovely this evening,

especially you.

Anyway, let's get started....

-He's a bit forward, isn't he?
-He could have been talking about me.

Yeah, right.

62, avian flu,

number 62.

Two bloody stumps, number 1 1 .

The age I lost my virginity, number 4 3.

-Is that her?
-Hmm?

Vince, is that her?

Can you be quiet? I keep missing the numbers.

Do you remember why we're here?

I know, but look at those boots. They're genius.

If I get them, I'm going to customise them.

-Vince, what colour was her cardigan?
-Hmm?

-What colour was her cardigan?
-Red.

I think that's her. I'm going to try something.

-Stay there.
-Yeah, yeah.

Shish, bang, boom, bally, bally, boo, boo...

number 28.

Good people are dicks, number 46.

Fee, fi, foo, number 32.

Hmm...

number 84.

Howdy doody, bouncing clown, number 75.

-I'll take that.
-Who are you?

-I'm from the Board of Shaman.
-I'm taking this to Naboo.

Naboo? Haven't you heard, he's washed-up,
he's finished, he's a drunk.

-He's a friend of mine.
-Everyone's a friend of Naboo.

-Yeah, well, he's a nice man.
-He knows nothing of the crunch.

-The what?
-He knows nothing of the crunch.

What's that got to do with anything?
What are you doing?

-That's your first slice of crunch.
-Get off.

I'll slap you with the crunch.
I'll bury you in the crunch.

-House!
-We have a winner.

Hey, Howard, I won the boots.

Oh.

(SCREECHES)

All the sixes, 666.

SABOO: Crunch time.

Run!

Where you going? Vince!

Come on!

I forgot my boots.

# Blood on the walls of London town

# Satan's evil in a nylon gown

# Evil cakes, fiery lakes

# Nanageddon's coming with a demon in a wig

# Evil cakes, fiery lakes

# Nanageddon's coming with a demon in a wig

# The Thames is red, the moon is dead

# Little Jimmy crying
Got a needle in his head #

This is an outrage!

# Night-time creatures

# Aged beasters

# Chasin' you down, huntin' you down,
draggin' you down

# Like an aged demon

# Wrinkled evil

# Sucking the life from the youthful faces

# The moon is scared, can't compare

# Wrinkled evil in an aged nightmare

# Blood on the walls of London town

# Satan's evil in a nylon gown

# Evil cakes, fiery lakes

# Nanageddon's coming
Bringing demons in her wake

# Evil cakes, fiery lakes

# Nanageddon's coming
Bringing demons in her wake

Naboo, wake up!

-What's happening?
-We've got the book.

-I've got a terrific hangover.
-Come on, come on!

I'll make you a Resolve.

Hurry up. Hurry up, Naboo, find the spell.

All right. Right.

-It's in here somewhere, where is it?
-Hurry up.

(SCREECHING)

Don't kill me! I've got so much to give!

''Nana Nana go away, come again another day.''

No!

(SIGHING)

Where's that Resolve? I've got a blinder.

Look at that.

-Cover shot of Goth Weekly.
-Oh, yeah.

-Four-page article.
-We were pretty good.

Yeah, the way you got that book back
was amazing.

Yeah, that was some of the best hairspray work
I've seen in a long time, sir.

-Thanks.
-Well done.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

-Hey, Howard, it's the Goth girls.
-Of course it is.

They know what we're about now.
Dark news travels fast.

-We're Super Goths.
-They're here.

Ladies.

-Hey, guys.
-After you.

Don't wait up.

# Bah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah

# Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo

# It's all wonderfully, wonderfully,
wonderfully, wonderfully pretty

# You know I'd do most anything for you

# We could have each other for cr.... tea

# We could have each other for cream

# We could curl up by the fire
and sleep for awhile

# It's the perfect thing
It's the grooviest dream

# Love cats #