The Mighty Boosh (2003–2007): Season 1, Episode 3 - Bollo - full transcript

Hi. Welcome to the show. My name's
Howard Moon. This is Vince Noir.

- All right?
- This week, the tricky subject of death.

Whoa, there.
l know what you're thinking. Don't.

This will give me, as an actor,
a lot of room to stretch myself,

dig deep and bring out
some of those darker truths we all share.

lt's not just gonna be Howard's boring
acting. There'll be music, adventure,

and some outlandish special effects.

Not as outlandish as they would be had
you not spent the budget on your hair.

My hair's an intrinsic ingredient
to this show.

- Do you need 15 people working on it?
- At least.

Two for fringe, one for feathering,
one for height, circumference.



- Circumference?
- Hair circumference.

There's a lot to think about. lf my barnet
doesn't look right, people get furious.

- They tune out immediately.
- You underestimate my acting.

- l don't think so.
- l don't need a hairdo. l do my own hair.

- Council does your hair.
- The camera loves me. lt's the way it is.

- The camera loves me, l think you'll find.
- Just get off.

Now l'd like to prepare you with
a small speech from Hamlet. Thanks.

''Death, the undiscover'd country

''from whose bourn no traveller returns,

''puzzles the will, and makes us
rather bear those ills we have...''

Basically, he's gonna be doing this
throughout the show,

so if you get bored, just press the red
button on your remote control, yeah?

You can see me dressed as a hedgehog,
dancing away, grooving around.

- What's going on?
- Nothing.



Enjoy the show.

..to the world of The Mighty Boosh!

# Come with us to The Mighty Boosh
# The Mighty Boosh

# Come with us to The Mighty Boosh #

''To die, to sleep;

''To sleep perchance to dream:
Ay, there's the rub;

''For in that sleep of death,
what dreams may come?''

(Vince) Can you pipe down?

Bollo's not well. He don't want to hear
that bleak imagery. He's got a fever.

Let me explain something to you, Vince.
Death's nothing to be afraid of.

lt's natural. The important thing is to be
prepared. Face it with dignity and poise.

Be ready for it like me.
l'm ready for death.

When Death comes knocking for me,
l'll welcome him.

He'll knock thrice.
''Come in,'' l'll say. ''Sit yourself down.

- ''Do you want a cup of tea?''
- Tea?

- l imagine Death as a coffee drinker.
- l'd offer him a range of hot beverages.

- Would you stretch to a latte?
- You bet. Whatever he wants, he gets.

- What if he doesn't want a hot drink?
- l'd do a frappuccino.

All the benefits of a cool drink
but with a caffeine boost.

- Does he get a small ltalian biscuit?
- Don't be foolish.

He's trying to lose weight.
(Chuckles) lt's a joke.

He's a skeleton. Get it?

lf he was a skeleton, he'd munch them
and they'd crumble through his rib cage.

Ooh, crumble through. Crumble through.

(Coughs)

Look. One thing. Don't get too close
to the animals, Vince, cos they die.

lt's the first rule of zookeeping.

- What about you and Jack Cooper?
- What about me and Jack?

Me and Jack are acquaintances. We got
close, too close, some people said.

- l don't know what the rumours were.
- That you were bumming him.

Yeah, whatever.
Stupid rumours. Childish. Not true.

- Whatever they were.
- You were bumming him.

l know what the rumours were.
Not true. OK?

The point is, don't get too close to Bollo
cos he's on his way out.

(Howard) l'm going now.
You're getting on my nerves.

- ls that what they're saying about me?
- No. You're the man round here.

- They're just rumours.
- See ya later.

See ya.

- All right, Jack?
- Get away from me, right?

Ah, Moon. Walk and talk with me.

We see eye to eye, huh? You and me?
l'm your boss man.

But l'm also your friend.
But l'm not your wife.

But we have made massively violent
love. Did l say that out loud?

- What do you want, Mr Fossil?
- l have a problem.

lt's to do with the little man,
the squashed-in French man.

The naked little squashed-up hairy boy.

You know, with the hand feet.
The brown little hand-foot man.

- The gorilla.
- Yeah. Wait. Say that again.

Gorilla.

Anyway, the old lady that sponsors the...

- (Tape) Gorilla.
- ...is coming today,

and if she sees him knocking on
death's door, lying around like a box,

she ain't gonna pay me Bo Diddley.

- What do you want me to do?
- l want you to dress as a...

- Gorilla.
- You know, eat a banana...

dance around, kick some hay.

l'm not doing that. l'm a man.

l knew that. Man.

l've got dignity and poise.
l'm not dressing as a gorilla.

Well, if you don't,
all the animals will go poor,

and they won't be able to afford
toboggans or sausages.

See you later, Mr Fossil.

lt's just as well, Moon.
You can't act anyway.

- What did you say?
- l said you can't act.

Get me an ape suit,
four bananas and a hot towel.

Come on, Bollo. You'll pull through.

Vince, my time is now. Death is near.

- l can sense him.
- Don't speak like that, Bollo.

Do not be afraid, my child.

The important thing
is that we had a good life.

- Yeah.
- Good times.

Yeah. We had great times.

(# Schmaltzy piano)

Great times, Bollo.

Great moments. You know, they can't
take those moments away from you.

Who can't?

The moment stealers?
Something Howard used to say.

Hey, Vince. Will you do me a favour
when l'm dead?

Anything.

Find Howard. Slap him in the face.

- The man's a fool.
- OK.

- Vince?
- Yeah?

- Your hair looks good today.
- Thanks.

(Vince) Yours looks good too.

Not as good as mine, obviously.
You've got a few split ends.

l could sort that out for you, though.

You are my friend, Vince.

(Vince) Yeah.

- (Bollo) What are you doing?
- Oh, sorry.

l thought you'd gone.

Not quite yet.

Sorry.

l'm terribly sorry about that, old lady.
Have a nice day.

Um... l do want that towel back.

What the hell was that all about, Moon?

What? You wanted an ape,
l gave you an ape. A real ape.

You threw your crap at her.

l'm a method actor. When you hire me,
you don't get two-dimensional slices.

You get three-dimensional truth nuggets.

Luckily, she wrote a cheque before
your truth nuggets hit her in the face.

Now watch it, Moon, or l'll be all over you
like a nun sandwich.

Yeah. You'd better believe
l'm a good actor.

l got the moves.

Huh!

Can l help you?

Right...

Vince, l suddenly feel much better.

# Sun is shining and you're feeling fine

# And the birds are singing in the trees #

(Sings in a club style)

# You're much too young, girl #

Hello?

- What is it, mate?
- Hi. Where are we going?

l'm taking you to Monkey Hell.
So sit back, relax and enjoy the view.

- Monkey Hell?
- Yeah, mate.

- Yeah, there might have been a mistake.
- Ha-ha! That's what they all say.

''There's been a mistake.
lt's not my time. l'm not ready to die.''

Just chill out, squire.

Yeah... The thing is, l'm not a monkey.

l'm a man in a monkey suit.

Dear, oh, dear. l've heard some excuses
in my time. That is priceless.

Oh, l don't believe this.

Sorry.

Reaper to Colin. Reaper to Colin.

Colin here.

l've been a right flapjack. l've gone
and picked up the wrong geezer.

- Oh, not again.
- lt weren't my fault this time.

He's dressed as an ape in the ape
enclosure. What am l supposed to do?

- All right. Better drop him off here.
- Nice one.

- How's your Pauline?
- All right. She's dead. How's yours?

She's dead. She's all right, though.
Talks all day. Blah-blah-blah.

She said...

All right, listen up.
l'm taking you back to head office.

l ain't happy with you.
l live right near Monkey Hell.

lt's put an extra 40 minutes
on my journey, you peanut.

Sorry.

All right, boys? Oi, Bobby.
Where's my tenner?

- Hey, Neville.
- All right?

(Manager) Pick up at Swiss Cottage.

- All right, Colin. How's your Pauline?
- All right. How's yours?

- She's all right.
- ls this the geezer?

- This is him.
- Um... Where are we, exactly?

- You're in limbo, mate.
- And where's that?

lt's neither here nor there, is it?

All right. l'll make a few calls,
see what l can do.

- Thanks, Colin. Much appreciated.
- l'm a Cockney.

- Have a seat, mate.
- What's happening?

- We're waiting for Head Office to decide.
- Whether l can go back?

No, whether you go to Monkey Hell
or Monkey Heaven.

- But l'm not a monkey.
- Look. You're dead, l've told you.

Try and accept it. Come on,
you'll be all right. l'll make a cup of tea.

Cheers.

- Sugar?
- No, thanks. Actually, two. May as well.

Four. Make it eight. Sod it.

All right, mate.

Death, nothingness, oblivion.

No more
will l look upon my sweet friends.

- No more will l...
- Oi, you bony nonce!

Oh, Death.

Oi, mate. l'd pipe down with that sort of
stuff. Bit of a sports crowd in here.

Anyway, it's not strictly true,
what you were saying.

Let me show you something.

This is the mirror of life.
You can see anything in here.

- Have a look at your funeral, if you want.
- Really?

Oh, yeah.

Wow. So many people.

No, that's a Woodstock DVD.
This is your funeral.

Wow. So many people.

Anno dominus,
vomitus erectus etceteras.

(Crows caw)

We are gathered here today
to bury Howard Moon.

(Fossil)
Er... We don't know how it happened.

We do know, however,
that when he died he was dressed as a...

- (Tape) Gorilla.
- Here to say a few words about him,

perhaps the closest person to him
here at the Zooniverse,

Vince Noir.

- Hey, Vince. l'm a priest.
- Couldn't you get a real priest?

l didn't know how to get one.

- Hey, you got one of these?
- What is that?

- Talk box.
- Talk box?

- Yeah.
- No.

Oh...

(Tape) Gorilla.

- Give it to me.
- lt's got all my words on it.

You can have it back at the end.

(Fossil) Talk box.

Howard Moon was a good friend of mine.

He was a passionate man, and he liked
to work closely with the animals,

too closely, some said.

- You hear that, Jack?
- Shut your face.

Howard's other passion in life was jazz.
Howard loved jazz.

He asked me to play Blue Train
by John Coltrane at his funeral.

l couldn't really find that. Sorry, Howard.
But l found another song about a train.

l hope it'll do just as well.

(# Pipe organ plays
Thomas The Tank Engine theme)

(Horn) Peep-peep!

(Laughter)

(All laugh)

All right, lads. Back to work.

- Am l entitled to a phone call?
- You ain't been arrested.

- There must be something you can do.
- l shouldn't do this...

but seeing as there's been a mix-up,
l'll tell you what l'll do.

- l'll throw you in a haunting.
- A haunting? What does that entail?

Anything you want, really. Some people
visit their dear mums to say goodbye.

Other people frighten their enemies.

Some people pick up cups and make
them float around by their own volition.

Woooo!

- Never understood that one.
- l want to see my mate Vince.

- The geezer with the fab hairdo?
- Yeah.

OK. lt's a tricky procedure, this,
transporting you back.

So get your limbs moving. Loosen
yourself up. Lovely. Sort of dance.

That's lovely. Really grind your booty.
Go on. Bit more sexual.

Pout a little bit. Bit more.
Here, boys. Check this out.

(All laugh)

l've had it with you, faceless mother...

Bollo, when Howard was alive,
he was always banging on about jazz.

Now that he's dead,
l feel like l wanna give it a go.

l've got his old records here.

(Aggressive fast jazz)

Rubbish.

(Same music plays)

There's no way.

- (Same music)
- Smash it to bits.

Vince Noir. lt is l, Howard Moon.

Howard. l thought you were dead.

l am dead, you idiot.

What's happened to my records?

- Bollo smashed them up.
- You've got to help me.

Are you really a ghost? That is genius.

- What's that?
- l thought l could put my hand through.

- No. You spent the budget on your hair.
- Sorry about that.

lt is looking good.

We've got three minutes.
Listen up. Pay attention.

- Right. Sorry.
- (Mobile rings)

Hey, Leroy. How's it going?

lt was mental. lt was a free bar.
l stayed all night. Yeah.

You won't believe this, right?
Guess what. Howard's haunting me.

He died last week. No, he did.
Have a word. You've got to have a word.

- lt's Leroy.
- l haven't got time.

- Have a word. He doesn't believe you.
- Hello, Leroy. Yeah.

l'm not... Keep the CDs.
l don't need them back.

Yeah, thanks. Bye.

Speak to you later. Cheers.

You've got to help me, OK? l'm in limbo.
Help me or l go to Monkey Hell.

- l don't need that.
- Are you really dead, Howard?

Yes. l know it's a shock.
Death comes to us all.

But l'm not afraid. lt's the natural cycle.

We got old, we lose our hair, we die.

- But l've been taken before my time.
- What did you say?

- l've been taken before my time.
- No, the stuff about the hair.

- We lose our hair, we die.
- l've got to do something about this.

- l'll see Naboo. He'll know what to do.
- Yeah, please.

l'll be in limbo.

(Sitar plays)

Hey, Naboo.

- Who's this?
- That's Pete.

- ls he a shaman too?
- No, he works in Dixons.

Right. Naboo, you've got to help me.
Something weird happened.

Howard came back from the dead. He
said old people lose their hair. ls it true?

- Yeah, that's true.
- No way. l can't have that.

Have you got any lotions or potions?
Anything?

l've seen this being done. You're
extracting the resin from its belly.

No, it's not that. l just don't like this frog.
l'm giving him a squeeze.

Now, this is Naboo's Miracle Wax.

Put this in your hair and it'll make
each follicle as strong as a horse's leg.

Brilliant. Thanks, Naboo.
You're a Peruvian genius.

Also, l've got to rescue
Howard from limbo.

- There's a mirror just there.
- Thanks, Naboo.

l feel much better. Thing is, though,
what am l gonna do about Howard?

Can you still get a discount
on that digital camera?

No, but if you buy a 64 megabyte card,
you get a second one half-price.

- What about a SCART to Phono lead?
- l'll chuck one of those in.

Want a strap?

Yeah, all right.

(Whistles)

Oh, my God... lt's a floating cup!

For the love of Yahweh, make it stop!

(Fossil whimpers)

Aaahhh! (Sobs)

(Whistles)

Welcome to the Mirror World!

Who are you?

l am Mr Susan, guardian of the mirrors.
What do you seek, stranger?

l'm just looking for my mate Howard.
He's in limbo.

Ah. Limbo, bimbo.
One of these mirrors does lead to limbo.

But only one. You must choose wisely.

For there are over 1 7 mirrors
in the Mirror World.

(Laughs)

Mirror World?
lt's not really a Mirror World, is it?

lt's more of a small room.

What? Well, no. lt isn't large, but a mirror
will make a room appear larger.

And anyway, you fail to take into account
my mirror balls.

Look at them shine.

Look at them shine.

Look at them shine.

Look at them shine. Oh!

Look at them shinin'. Oh, it's cold!

That's enough. Now, it is time to choose,
but choose wisely.

For if you choose wrongly,

you will replace me here in Mirror World
for all eternity

with nothing but your own reflection
for company.

Sounds all right to me.

What? Staring at your own reflection
forever?

Sounds great.

lf you look over there,
you can see your hair from every angle.

How cool is that?

Oh, vanity. l too was vain like you.

Let me tell you the story of how
l came to be in this mirrored prison.

l haven't really got time for this,
Freddy Fabrics. l've got to get to limbo.

My name is Mr Susan. And now
it is time for you to do the choosin'.

# Will it be this one here?
Will it be this one here?

# Which one will you choose?

# Win or lose

# Choose it now
Which one will it be?

# Which one will you choose? #

Oh, shit.

- ls this limbo?
- Who are you?

l've got to find my mate Howard.
Tall, moustache.

You just missed him.
l took him to Monkey Hell.

- l have to get there. Can you take me?
- l've just come back from there.

- Ain't there no one else to take him?
- Sorry, mate. l'm understaffed as it is.

- l'm running a skeleton crew.
- (Both laugh)

- This is you, here, mate.
- Oh, great. Can you wait for us?

- l'll keep the meter running.
- l won't be long.

You say that, but it ain't up to you.
lt's up to the head honcho.

- Who?
- The Ape of Death.

Howard Moon. You are to be thrown
into the pit of eternal fire.

- (Ape) For heinous crimes.
- But Bollo led a clean life.

Yeah, but you bummed that fox.

That's just a rumour.

No smoke without fire, which you'll be
seeing quite a bit of from here on in.

(All laugh)

Everyone's a comedian here, aren't they?

Shut your pie hole. Now prepare to die.

- Aren't l already dead?
- Well, it hurts more the second time.

Prepare to be cast
into the eternal flames.

Wait!

- Who are you?
- l'm Vince Noir.

There's been a mix-up.
You can't burn him.

- Who's going to stop me?
- l am.

Well, l appreciate the gesture, but
a bit of a wasted journey that, wasn't it?

Did you bring anything,
like a gun or...a fork?

Enough. Now you shall burn. You
and your wife with the ridiculous hair.

Ridiculous hair? Have you seen yours?
lt's like split ends central.

- Shut up.
- Look at it. lt's an auburn fuzz.

- Shut your gob!
- lt's ridiculous, like a ginger ballbag.

Shut up, l said!

l've always had problems with my hair,
even as a child.

lt's not curly, it's not straight,
it's somewhere in-between.

lf l wash it, it becomes too dry.

lf l leave it, it becomes too greasy.

l can't do a thing with it.

Listen, have you heard of product,
straighteners, finishing gel?

Finishing gel?

What is finishing gel?

Where have you been? l could
sort your hair out in six minutes.

Why didn't you tell me about this?
Davy, Nemo?

You can do this for me?

This is sheer liquid wonderment.

For this smashing gift,
l shall set you both free.

Thank you.

Don't thank me.
Thank Naboo's Miracle Wax.

Look at me. l'm so confident
and feel strong and super sexy.

Hit it!

(# Glam rock riff)

# l'm the Ape of Death and l don't care

# Cos l'm the monkey with the lovely hair

# lt's all fluffy, shiny too

# Cos l got that Miracle Wax from Naboo

# Don't be cynical

# lt's a follicle miracle

# l said, don't be cynical

# l keep waxing lyrical

# He's the Ape of Death and he don't care

# Cos he's the monkey
with the lovely hair

# lt's all fluffy and shiny too

# Cos he got that Miracle Wax
from Naboo

# Naboo
# Come on, now #

(Chatters)

# Ah-ah, yeah
# One, two, three, four

# Dig that monkey song

# Look around at my monkey hair

# You can touch it, l don't care

# Used to be that l was ashamed

# But now the monkey fluff is tamed

# Come on everybody
and walk around my hair

# Don't be cynical

# lt's a follicle miracle

# l said, don't be cynical

# l keep waxing lyrical

# Oh, yeah #

- l thought you were dead.
- l rescued him from the edge of death.

You want a chocolate fruitcake
with beans on it? Get to work.

God, l've missed him.

l never thought l'd miss the old place,
but it's good to be back.

- lt worked out in the end.
- lt's back to normal.

The balance has been restored.
l'll get you back for that cab, as well.

- lt was 1 10 Euros.
- How much?

- We went to hell and back.
- Did you get a receipt?

- l forgot.
- l could have claimed that back.

There you have it.
l hope you enjoyed the show.

We have just enough time for me
to squeeze in a small, powerful speech.

Thanks.

Thus conscience
does make cowards of us all,

and thus the native hue of resolution

is sicklied o'er
with the pale cast of thought.

And enterprises of great pith
and moment...

(# Sitar)