The Mighty Boosh (2003–2007): Season 1, Episode 4 - Tundra - full transcript

Not wanting to live in the shadow of the charming adventurer Dixon Bainbridge, Howard convinces Vince to seek the Egg of Mantumbi in the dangerous tundra - the home of the demon Black Frost.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Hi. Welcome to the show.
My name's Vince Noir.

This crazy character is Howard Moon.

Don't touch me.

He's such a joker.
He's always doing stuff like that.

l'm not joking. Don't ever touch me.
Not now, not during the show, not ever.

(Both) Aaahh!

Don't touch me.

This week, we're gonna be going on
a terrifying journey to distant lands.

But we're also going
on a different journey,

a journey
into the depths of the human soul,

via my acting techniques.

Plus, in one of the scenes,
l'll have the legs of a ram. lmagine that.

- That's not happening. l rewrote that bit.
- That's the best bit.

Yeah, but we thought about it,
and we

- We? What do you mean, we?
- Me and Leroy had a little look-see.

- Leroy?
- Yeah.

He's got no business messing
with the scripts. He works at the ice rink.

He brought a fresh pair of eyes to it.
Fresh perspective.

- He sells Slush Puppies.
- He rewrote it.

- Oh, great.
- Yeah. That's the way it's staying.

- lt was his idea in the first place.
- l can't do anything about it.

l'm going to ring him
and take him to task.

Enjoy the show. the world of The Mighty Boosh.

♪ Come with us to The Mighty Boosh
♪ The Mighty Boosh

♪ Come with us to The Mighty Boosh ♪

(Elephant trumpets)

OK, gather round.

Now, Dixon Bainbridge, owner
of the zoo and world-famous explorer,

will be returning from his travels today
to deliver a lecture on the Arctic tundra.

Boy, are we lucky!

Now, l want everyone to mind their Ps
and Qs. That means no effing and jeffing.

And l want you to look presentable.
That means shoes, Naboo.

(Monkeys screech)

And, hey, Kerouac.
You ever heard of a comb?

Get on it. Now, he'll be here any second.

l don't want you to rush up to us.

We've got a lot of business to cover.
We've been friends for years.

He may try to kiss me on the cheek,
maybe the mouth.

l don't know how lucky l'll get.
Wait, here he comes. Get the gate.

(# Fanfare)

Welcome, Bainbridge, on behalf of...

Ooh! Ooh!

That one in the bedroom.
That one's got booze in it. Be careful.

What are you looking at?
We do this all the time.

Nice one, Bainbridge.

Get to work, all of you.

l'm sick of this.

- What's wrong with you?
- l'm a trained zoo keeper.

- l spend my days shovelling dung.
- There is a lot of it.

- Where's it coming from?
- Him.

Huh? l only had one banana.

Where's the respect l'm due?
That's what l want to know.

Come on. You're getting all tense again.

- Eh?
- Look at you. You're like a brandy snap.

- That's my style.
- The brandy snap?

- Yeah. The crunchy tube.
- Really? Come on.

- Just relax.
- l can't.

- Why?
- Cos of him. Dixon Bainbridge.

(Howard) Look at him swanning around.

Not on its head.

That's beautiful, too.

''l've been to the Arctic. Everyone's
playing trumpets and dancing.''

- He's a man of action.
- l'm a man of action,

given the right opportunity.

- What's he got that l haven't got?
- A moustache.

What do you think this is
l've got going on here?

As if that's a moustache.
That's a cappuccino stain.

How dare you. This is at least a mocha,
OK? Don't be mocking my mocha.

- This is a month's grooming.
- A month? For that?

That's useless.
Look at his. lt's like a silver horseshoe.


l could do what Bainbridge is doing.
l could do all that.

lmagine the headlines. ''Howard Moon'',
colon ''Explorer''. lt's got a ring to it.

- Colon explorer?
- You know what l'm saying.

- That's got the wrong ring to it.
- l just need that break.

- l'd be out of here in an instant.
- What about me? What am l gonna do?

You could come with me.
You could be my sidekick.

- Sidekick?
- Carry my bags and stuff like that.

- Get stuffed.
- With my training, you could do all right.

l don't need training from you.
l'm a gifted child.

l can talk to animals.
l'm like Mowgli, the retro version.

l know. That's no secret. You're a gifted
keeper, that's why l hired you.

Look at me, Vince. Sometimes
l think you squander that gift.

What do you mean?

You think animals
care about Gary Numan?

- l don't talk to them about him.
- You always go on about him.

- And you dress them up.
- l do not.

- You dressed up the lion as Adam Ant.
- He did that himself.

He did the epaulettes, did he?

- The thing is about Numan...
- l'm not interested.

Let me give you this one snippet.

Not only is he a pop star,
he's got a pilot's licence. lmagine that.

l've got a pilot's licence.
Do l go on about it? No.

- You haven't.
- l have. l flew to work this morning.

- You came with me on the tram system.
- That wasn't me.

- What?
- That was my double.

- Double?
- Joycey.

- Joycey?
- Joycey Banicek.

- Who are you now? Howard or Joycey?
- l don't even know that myself.

- That's the mystery.
- l've got a double.

- You always have to have what l have.
- Trisha.

- You can't have one just cos l have.
- Can l be Trisha?

- l do the double stuff.
- Let Trisha come to life.


l fell off the mountain ledge, but luckily,
my fall was broken by a wolf.

The wolf attacked me, but fortunately
l had a pistol hidden in my moustache.

l shot him, but he was only wounded.

- He took my hand.
- What, in marriage? (Chuckles)

After fighting with the wolf,
l set off to find the Egg of Mantumbi,

a sapphire, as big as a schoolboy's head.

(# Mobile ringtone: Gary Numan's Cars)

All right, you two beatniks!
What do you think this is,

a day at the races with Uncle Bobo?

This is a real-live action man,
with loads of action stories.

Now listen up and fly right.

Go ahead, pumpkin.

lt's OK. Let the boys have their fun.

l understand it took Howard Moon
one month to grow that moustache.


Check the insect cabinet.
l think we're one caterpillar short.

(Fossil) Ha-ha! Do that!

Many have tried to find
the Egg of Mantumbi, many have failed.

No one has come so close as
the famous explorer, Biggy Shackleton.

lt is said that Biggy knew
the whereabouts of the sacred egg

and was within days of finding it,
when, as legend has it,

he was frozen to death
by the hideous icy bastard

known to the locals as Black Frost.

(Fossil) Wow! Frosty...

You said it, bitch.

Up until now,
the Egg of Mantumbi has eluded me.

But l shall return to the Arctic,
not for the money or the fame,

but for Biggy Shackleton,
whose icy encounter with Black Frost

left him crushed and lifeless,

like crisps under bison.

l don't like to end on a down note.
Here's a song.

♪ Turn around

♪ Every now and then
l get a little bit lonely

♪ And you're never coming round

♪ Turn around, bright eyes

♪ Every now and then l fall apart

♪ And l need you more tonight

♪ And l need you more than ever

♪ And you'll only be making it right

♪ And we'll be holding on forever ♪

- Cheers.
- He's pretty good, Bainbridge, isn't he?

- He's a genius.
- l can't believe you got sucked into that.

- What do you mean?
- Look at the facts. He goes to the Arctic

to find the egg, doesn't find it,
everyone jumps around.

- What's your point?
- lf l went to the Arctic, l'd find the egg.

Cos what l set out to do, l finish, sir.

As if. You finish nothing.

Last week, l asked you
to get those Bovril Hula Hoops.

lt's on my to-do list.

- When are you going to get them?
- l'm not talking about crisps.

The point is, if l went out there,
l'd get it and bring it back, that egg.

Why don't we go then?

l haven't got any money
or means of getting there.

- You leave that to me.
- What?

l'll sort it out.

Hello, is that Gary?

(# Gary Numan: Cars)

Howard Moon's journal, day four.

Many men have searched
for the Egg of Mantumbi.

Many have failed.
One man shall succeed.

And l, Howard Moon, shall be that man.

(Vince laughs)

- Stop doing that. lt's not funny.
- lt's hilarious.

lt isn't, OK? Do it again
and l'll come at you like a buzzard.

Come on. Let's go.
The egg's not round here.

Stop tugging my mink.
l'm not going anywhere.

- The egg is around. l can sense it.
- Did you say mink? That's not very PC.

- You're supposed to be a zoo keeper.
- This is the Arctic, Vince.

Different rules apply out here.
lt's kill or be killed.

- What, by a mink?
- They get very big out here, the mink.

This is just one mink,
this whole outfit. lt's true.

No way. l've read a pamphlet.

So? l once looked at a hedge.
What's your point?

lt was Minky Monthly.
There were loads on the front.

lt said in there it takes about 90 mink
to make a small ladies' glove.

That's cos they're really crap at sewing.

- Do you like that?
- That's quite good.

Seriously, though.
Check out my icy wardrobe.

- What, the human Coke can?
- This is the glam rock ski suit.

The Arctic is no respecter of fashion,
Vince. You know?

Never take the tundra lightly.
lt can drive a man insane.

You know what it is about this place
that can get to a man?

- Not really.
- Look through here. What do you see?

- Nothing?
- Exactly. lt's the nothingness.

The whiteness.

The endless...ness.

Stretching on
beyond the human imagination.

(Howard) Desolation of the soul.

Oh, my God!

♪ lce floe, nowhere to go
lce floe, nowhere to go

♪ Lost in the blinding whiteness
of the tundra ♪

Check him out.

♪ They call him the Shrew

♪ Arms in shock, in with the claw

♪ l'm Little Johnny Frostbite,
movin' around

♪ Freezing you up,
freezing you down like an icicle

♪ Coming in your tent,
in the pink light, scissorbite

♪ Arctic death, infinite night

♪ Call me Tundra Boy,
because l move like an Arctic lizard

♪ When the blizzard strikes,
l disappear like a pipe dream

♪ All that's left is the gleam

♪ On your tent peg, boosh, boosh

♪ Stronger than a moose

♪ Don't lock your door
or we'll come through your rooftop

♪ Stop, look around,
take your mind off the floor

♪ Cos the Boosh is loose
and we're a little bit raw

♪ lce floe, nowhere to go
lce floe, nowhere to go

♪ Lost in the blinding whiteness
of the tundra ♪


- Yeah?
- All right.

You proved your point in song format.

Maybe you'll take this place
more seriously now.

Naboo. Naboo, are you in a trance?

No, l'm listening to Fleetwood Mac.

- Ah, Rumours.
- Tusk.

What do you want?

Howard Moon and his ugly girlfriend
are missing. Where are they?

- l don't know.
- Listen. l know you're a Gypsy shaman.

l know you can find them.

- What's in it for me?
- l don't know. A KitKat.

- Two KitKats.
- lt's a deal.

What the hell is that?

A blow-up crystal ball
for the shaman who likes to travel.

Just get on with it.

- They're in the Arctic tundra.
- Why have they gone there?

To look for the Egg of Mantumbi.

So long, Gypsy.

Why am l digging this hole, exactly?

- You're digging for fish so we can eat.
- But why am l doing the digging?

l put the tent up, l'm digging. What am l,
a pit pony? What are you doing?

l'm assessing
the local atmospheric disturbances,

documenting the journey.

You're working,
raising your body temperature.

lt's actually harder for me to do nothing
than it is for you to dig that hole.

l'd like to see you down here
moving a shovel about.


- What's the matter?
- l've seen my reflection in the ice.

- l'm blue and chapped. l look disgusting.
- lt's not you.

- There's a man under the ice.
- Thank God. l thought it was me.

- You know who this is, don't you?
- No.

- Biggy Shackleton. We've found him.
- l found him.

- We're a team, though, yeah?
- Oh, right. Yeah.

Vince, you know what happened to him,
don't you?

- Was he frozen?
- lt's a bit worse than that.

- This is the work of the Black Frost.
- Who is this character?

Old Eskimo legend. Tells of a terrible
frost that descends in an instant.

lt can freeze a man in a second.

You try to scream, you can't scream.
Black Frost freezes scream in midair.

Eurghh... All jutting out of your mouth
in an icy tangle.

Howard, look.
All this stuff coming out of his mouth.

- These shapes.
- They're his last words, Vince.

- Frozen in time. We found them.
- l found them.

Stop saying that, OK? We're a team.

Can you dig out his words?
l'll put the stove on.

Oh, right. Go and have a cup of tea.

We're gonna defrost the last words
of Biggy Shackleton.

Just gonna do me journal.

Howard Moon's journal, day six.

l've just found the last words
of Biggy Shackleton.

l found them, me, on my own.

Vince was asleep at the time.
Must wake him, tell him the good news.

The scientific breakthrough
of the century.

- Pass me the first of his last words.
- Get off.

- l'm getting them in the right order.
- lt's not Scrabble. Come on.

That's the first one.

(Ghostly voice) The Egg of Mantumbi...

- lt's working.
- He's talking about the egg.

OK. That's the next one.

Can be found...

''Can be found...'' He's got a funny voice.

He was being frozen as he said it.
Give me the next one.

That little one.

ln the cave of the...

The Egg of Mantumbi can be found
in the cave of the...

This is it. This is the last one. OK.

(Mobile rings)


- Howard?
- Piss off.

- Howard, it's freezing out here.
- Get used to it. You're on nightwatch.

- Nightwatch?
- The Arctic is a dangerous place.

Whatever you do, don't fall asleep.


As you know,
Howard and Vince have disappeared.

They were great keepers
and will be difficult to replace.

But we must try.

What qualifications do you two feel
you have to work here at the zoo?


Er... When an young...kitten...

And he in a bag
and l make him and go and l flat him out!

And he go away and

- Do you have any paperwork?
- Er...

That's my own mail.

- All right.
- Hey.


(Fossil) Great.

Konama, matuno, ha, ha.

Beautiful. You start Monday.

All right. Let's get to work.

- Kalibano.
- Kalibano, yeah.


- Topshop.
- Yeah, that's great. Nice tie.

- Topshop.
- No. He didn't get that at Topshop.

- Topshop.
- Topshop.

Get outta here! l gotta work!

- Topshop.
- Are you still here?

(Howard yawns) Vince? Come on, Vince.

Put the kettle on, will ya? Stop sulking.



Oh, my God. Vince, what have l done?
Taken by a polar bear.

lt's all my fault. Vince!


(Funky folk music)

Day 12. Vince dead.

(Wind howls)

All is lost. l'm so alone.

- Wind my only friend.
- (Wind) l hate you.

Shut up, wind. Shut up!

Vince? Vince, is that you?

(Deep, spooky voice)
Look deep into the Parka.

- What?
- Look deep into the Parka.

There are many things in here,
things you could never dream of.

- Like what?
- Rubies.

l've dreamt of rubies.

Lesbian ham.

l'm not interested in your stupid dreams.

My friend is dead.
l'm staying here to die. Leave me alone.

Look deep into the Parka
and show me what you dream of.

(# Heavenly chorus)

The egg!

- Do you like Gary Numan?
- Who?

He's a pop star, right, but he's got
a pilot's licence. lmagine that.

(Wolf howls)

Actually, l'd better go and look for
Howard. l'm a bit worried about him.

But l've had a really good time. lt's been
great. l'll probably see you around, yeah?

Hold me.

- What?
- Nothin'.

Did you say, ''Hold me''?


We worked at the zoo together.
He can talk to animals.

He's like Mowgli in flares, but you don't
know who he is, do you? lt's funny.

(Sighs) Shame. He was a brave man.

Well, not so much brave,
really, as stupid.

- He didn't understand the situation.
- That is an interesting story.

Now we must eat. You must dine with us
and try the local delicacy.

Yeah. l'm not actually that hungry.

We will be very offended
if you do not eat with us.

l suppose l could try a little bit.

- Mmm.
- Ah, here comes the food now.

Sandwiches, my favourite.

Somebody clean this sick away.

The time for eating has passed.
Tie up the prisoner.

- What's going on?
- You are to be sacrificed.

- What?
- You planned to steal from us.

- Steal what?
- We are keepers of the Egg of Mantumbi.

(# Heavenly chorus)

l'm just passing through.
l'm not interested in the egg.

- Then explain this.
- l can't wait to get my hands on the egg.

- That's not me.
- Then l, Howard Moon, will be famous.

- Now me must summon Lugaroo.
- Who?

The Black Frost.

(Low chanting) Lugaroo...
Lugaroo... Lugaroo...

Don't kill me. l've got so much to give.

- lt's me.
- Vince! You're alive!

- What about the polar bear?
- Oh, we just got on.

- You don't get on with a polar bear.
- We did, we just clicked.

- Come on.
- Vince, Vince, Vince.

The egg. We're so close.

- Oh, come on.
- Yeah, but what about them?

They're in a trance. They'll never know.

Hear me now.

(Chanting) Lugaroo...

(Alarm bleeps)

So this is it, Vince.

- Yeah.
- So close yet so far.

- What are your last words gonna be?
- What do you mean?

When Black Frost freezes you,
what are your last words gonna be?

l'll probably just do some poetry, you
know. Something from my '70s period.

- Yeah.
- You know...

- (Sniffs) What about you?
- l'll probably just swear my tits off.

Hmm. That's a good idea.

- (Sighs)
- Howard?

- Mmm?
- l don't wanna die.

Hey. Come on, little man.
lt's gonna be all right.

- ls it?
- Not really.

We're gonna be frozen
in the most horrific way possible,

but the main thing is
we had good times, yeah?

- Yeah.
- Remember the zoo?

Remember the sticklebacks?

♪ Stickleback, stickleback,
stickleback, bourgeois

♪ Crusty in the bingo hall,
running like a China whore

♪ Mm, pata, masala
Mm, pata, masala

♪ Kentish Town,
Kentish Town, yeah

♪ Kentish Town,
Kentish Town, no ♪

(Both chuckle)


Vince, this is difficult for me,
but l feel as though l should say this.

l love you, Vince.

- What are you doing?
- Nothing.

- Are you laughing?
- No.

You better not be laughing. l'm telling
you l love you. How dare you laugh?

- You made me laugh.
- That is humiliating.

You caught me off guard.
lt was out of the blue.

- l'm telling you l love you.
- Well, l love you.

You don't love me. You're just saying
that cos l said it to you.

- No, l love you.
- No, you don't.

- What a touching scene.
- Bainbridge.

l'll just take that, have a piss and be off.


(Alarm stops)

- You'll untie us, won't you?
- Absolutely not.

Thing is, l find you two repulsive.


(Manic laughter)

(# Drum and bass)

Now listen here, you icy bastard.
Let's set some ground rules.

(# Drum and bass)

(Both scream)

(Music stops)


Oh, crikey!

l'm having them.

''l thawed myself out

''using the heat stored
in my moustache,'' says Bainbridge.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did you get me those Hula Hoops?

- No.
- When will you get them?

l'll get them later. Listen to this.

''l killed a whale. Using its jawbone, l
made a sledge and went to Reykjavik.''

- Can l have the money? l'll get them.
- Look, l haven't got the money.

- l gave it you.
- l know. l invested it.


And so, the moral of the story is,
never loo...

(# Hums riff to Tubeway Army's
Are 'Friends' Electric)

♪ lt's cold outside

♪ And l wonder what l'm doing
in a place like this ♪