The Middle (2009–2018): Season 7, Episode 9 - The Middle - full transcript

So, where's my desk?

You won't have a desk.

That's the whole

Smile Superstars international concept.

Everything is modern and open.

You'll just float from chair to chair

with a smile tablet.

Really? Smile tablet?

I'm sorry, Dr. goodwin.

I don't get why we have to do this.

I thought what we had was going great.



Long lunches, going online

looking at bad celebrity plastic surgeries.

Frankie, I know all this
new stuff is scary.

I was the same way with Indian food,

but now bring on the sag aloo.

And don't worry, Dr. Samuelson
will explain the whole deal.

Wait, wait... who?

Dr. Sommer Samuelson, our fearless leader.

Now that we're members of Smile Superstars,

we're under her umbrella.

Her story is capital "a" Amazing.

She came from a bad family...
her parents made pottery.

And now she owns the 13th
largest dental chain

in the country.



You'll hear it at the convention
in Des Moines next week.

What? No!

I can't afford to go to Des Moines.

I had to siphon gas out of
the lawnmower to get here.

That's the best part.
Y'all's expenses are paid.

Sorry, Frankie.

If you're opening a new branch,
it's kind of mandatory.

Actually, they call it "fundatory."

♪ ♪

Frankie: This is gonna suck, Mike.

They took my desk away.

Do you know how many cookies were in there?

And now I got to go to
some stupid convention.

Hey, you should go with me.

Why would I do that?

Let me finish. It's in Des Moines.

Eh, I don't think so.

Come on.

It's gonna be at a hotel,
all the expenses are paid.

And besides, won't it be good for you
to get out of your normal routine

and watch TV in a different location?

That has always been the dream.

Listen, I'm gonna be at seminars all day,

so you'll have the place to yourself.

So, just to be clear, I don't
have to go to any dentist stuff

or talk to anybody or do anything?

No, Boo Radley, you can just
shutter yourself in the room.

Okay. I'm in.

He's like a locust.

There's no more food. Go
infest another house.

Oh, my god, it's not my fault
I'm stuck living here.

I accidentally paid two hippies
I thought were my landlord.

Do you think this is easy on me?

Think I like seeing mom
walk around in her bra?

Good, then it's working.

Hey, mom, can I take this old bedspread

back to school?

I was thinking I could turn my extra bed

into, like, a fun study-lounge area.

You know, put some
lemonheads on an end table.

Maybe I can lure people in.

Wait, hold on.

This is perfect.

Why didn't I think of this before?

Sue's just sitting there with an empty bed.

I need a bed. You guys are driving me nuts.

Ha ha! I'll just crash with Sue.

Forward my mail. That's a thing, right?

What? No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Mom, dad, you cannot let this happen.

I don't even know if it's legal.

What if I get written up again? Dad?

You got an empty bed and
we got an empty fridge.

I got to go with Axl on this one.

Mom?

I'm sorry, honey.

We just really need him not to be here.

Don't fight it, Sue. It's happening.

♪ ♪

Wow!

Yeah, wow. Look at that TV.

Betcha that's a 46-incher.

Oh, my god, this bathroom!

Look! They have a square showerhead.

Oh! There's a little soap for the sink

and a little soap for the tub.

You don't have to carry it back and forth.

But let's do that anyway
so we can take one home.

Hey, look. You barely touch
"channel" and it changes,

and the button doesn't
stick inside the remote

where you got to get a fork and dig it out.

Hey, you want a tiny can of Pringles

and the cutest vodka I've ever seen?

Courtesy of Smile Superstars International.

- Hit me, baby.
- Whoo-hoo!

Oh, my gosh.

Look how easily these slide.

They have a safe. They think we have stuff.

Hm.

All right, I got to go down to orientation.

I'm gonna see if I can
sign in and duck out,

so hands off the snickers and gin.

♪ ♪

Frankie: So, while we were gone, we got
the best babysitter we could find.

But she wanted 10 bucks an
hour, so we went with free.

Hey there, Brick. I found
this out by the curb.

I'm guessing someone threw
it out 'cause it's busted.

That was mom.

She ruined it sucking up rotted
lettuce out of the fridge.

Oh, well, we'll get her fixed up.

I'm sorry you had to come all
the way over, grandpa big Mike.

I told mom and dad I could
take care of myself.

Oh, now, you may think you can,

but you need somebody to look after you.

Remember, the bird that
leaves the nest too early

ends up on drugs in Indianapolis.

So, who's ready to have a
little fun with his grandpa?

What's this for?

Oh, that's your vision journal.

You know, for writing down
your thoughts and feelings,

any ideas to make the company better.

What a load of...

Man: And now the moment
you've all been waiting for,

Dr. Sommer Samuelson!

Thank you!

Thank you all for coming,

and welcome to the Smile Superstars

bi-annual meeting and
educational workshops.

I think you'll find it
informative, inspiring,

and most of all...

Fun!

♪ Tonight is tonight ♪

♪ tomorrow's tomorrow ♪

♪ believe in believin' ♪

♪ go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! ♪

Hey, grandpa big Mike.

Um, I was just resting my eyes and...

What... what's this?

It's 9:00.

I was getting kind of hungry,
so I went to the store

and did a little grocery shopping.

I made us scrambled eggs.

Scrambled.

I'm not sure about this, Brick.

I've never been too crazy
about yellow food.

They're good for you. Just try one bite.

♪ ♪

One bite.

That's not bad...

For a food that's yellow.

If you eat it all, you'll get dessert.

I've never been crazy about plain water.

You got any juice?

Smile Superstars is a
different kind of company.

We turn reality into dreams

with our proven tools for
creating unlimited wealth.

Debbie Grimes? Where's Debbie Grimes?

There she is.

Debbie won a trip to Hawaii for recruiting

over 50 new clients for our joplin branch!

Thank you, Debbie. How was Maui?

Oh, you don't need to tell me.
I've got a house there.

Now, let me ask you.

Are you tired of working yourself to death

and still not reaching your goals?

Are you tired of looking around and seeing

everyone else get theirs
and you not get yours?

I'd like to get mine.

Do you see those people on
those fancy boats and planes

and think, "that should be me"?

Well, that can be you.

It can?

You bet it can.

You can earn your way into
our platinum elite club

and be on a private jet

as part of our winner's
circle retreat to Costa Rica!

Who's with me?

Who's with me on a private jet to success?

I am!

We can change the world
one smile at a time!

♪ Tonight is tonight ♪

♪ tomorrow's tomorrow ♪

♪ believe in believin' ♪

♪ go! Go! Go! Go! Go! ♪

Well, Axl and Sue might've
shared a house for 18 years,

but for the first time in their lives,

they were sharing a room.

You know, I've been watching you.

You brush your hair a lot.

Shut your mouth!

Shut your stupid mouth!

I did not want you here.

I did not ask for you to be here.

You are here because I
am nice and I am weak

and I am still a little scared of dad!

And just so you know, there is
fudge somewhere in this room

that grandma sent to me with love,

and don't even bother trying to find it

because it is hidden and it is mine!

Correction... was fudge.

That's it! You took something I love.

Now I am going to take something you love.

I do not like this palm tree.

It does not go with my room.

I am not doing a beach theme.

I am doing classic rustic cottage,

which anyone with half a brain could see!

Die!

Die!

Oh, my god, Mike.

I can't believe how inspiring that was.

I mean, okay, at first I thought
it was a bunch of crap,

but it's not.

Seriously, this could be
a game changer for us.

Every single person is an
independent business owner

with the unlimited potential as we
redefine the future of dental care

with Smile Superstars' line
of proprietary products

and transformational business model.

And get this... if I bring in a client,

even if they go to the Texas
branch, I get a commission.

- Who do you know in Texas?
- I talk to people, Mike.

Remember yesterday at that rest stop,

I handed that woman toilet
paper under the stall?

She's from Texas.

Hmm.

No, no, it's... it's just that I'm feeling

like I'm... I'm tingling right now.

I'm just so excited, I'm pumped, I'm... oh!

Oh!

I am trying to study, Axl.

I'm studying, too.

You couldn't possibly be studying

because you are playing guitar.

Look, Sue, everybody likes the guitar.

Nobody likes you.

Therefore, everybody likes
me playing the guitar.

It's the pythagorean theorem.

I learned that studying
while playing guitar.

Your witness. I'll see you in law school.

I mean it, Axl.

Finals are coming up.

Nobody wants to hear your dumb guitar.

Cool guitar.

Yeah, we were wondering where
the music was coming from.

Ah, come on in.

I take requests. What do you like?

Do you know anything by The Lumineers?

Ha! Practically a professional.

Yeah, I got nothing.

So, do you live here, too?

Yeah. Been here all semester.

Really? I haven't seen you around.

Oh, well, I've seen you.

Well, not like in a weird way or anything.

Just, like, in the bathroom and stuff.

Lemonhead?

See, there's one thing Sue
forgot about her brother...

Everybody liked him.

And by the pythagorean theorem,
everybody liked her, too.

Yep, she was on a real high,
and she wasn't the only one.

♪ Tonight is tonight ♪

Take it uptown!

♪ Tomorrow's tomorrow ♪

Take it downtown.

♪ Believe in believin' ♪

Whoo!

Hey.

♪ Go! Go! Go! Go! ♪

And through the tears, I said to myself,

"they can take away everything,

but they can't take away your smile."

♪ Tonight is tonight ♪

♪ tomorrow's tomorrow ♪

You take the m-I-l-e out of "smile,"

add a u-c-c-e-s-s to that
"s" that was left over,

and you've got "success."

And you can't spell "success" without "u."

♪ Tonight is tonight ♪

♪ tomorrow's tomorrow ♪

♪ believe in believin' ♪

Man: Room service.

Ah, shoot, you beat me again.

You're so good at this.

I give up.

No, no. Just one more game.

You can be red this time.
It might change your luck.

I'd love to, but unfortunately,
I've got a ton of work to do.

I'm gonna put a video on for you.

Oh, how about "Kelly's Heroes"?

You like war, don't you?

♪ ♪

In just a matter of days,
Sue's room had become

a place she would never
have gotten invited to.

Hey, Jordan.

Come on in, girl! Yeah!

Whoo!

Axl, it is after midnight.

This is the latest I've
ever stayed up at college.

I feel like I could go all night.

Oh, my god! I slept through my test!

Oh, my god.

I can't believe I'm missing a test.

This is a disaster.

Me, a test misser?

Axl, you're not listening to me!

I am missing a test, and
it is all your fault!

My fault? What are you talking about?

I threw a party in your
room, and you loved it.

I did.

I did love it.

I was partying like John Mayer last night!

I don't know what I was thinking.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

There's 20 minutes left of class.

If I Wade through the fountain,
I can shave off 30 seconds.

Sue, you are not thinking clearly.

You cannot take a two-hour
test in 20 minutes.

Right. Maybe I can ask
for some extra credit,

or mom can e-mail the professor

and explain to him that I made a mistake.

Sue! This is not high school.
They don't care.

Look, just give me 10 minutes

and I can teach you how to get out of this.

Congratulations.

You've just been accepted
to the University of Axl.

♪ ♪

Hey, now, watch that stuff.

Checkout's at noon.

We got to focus on cleaning this place out.

Everything that isn't nailed down.

Hey, I was thinking, on the way home

maybe we can stop at the candle museum.

Whatever, babe.

Ooh, we got mail.

It's a bill, Frankie.

Why would we be getting a bill?

You said the trip was all expenses paid.

It is.

Then why are they charging us

for minibar, room service, and movies?

Hold on. Is the room charge on there?

No. Just all the extra stuff.

It adds up to $674!

Wait, wait, wait. This is weird.

There's got to be some kind of mistake.

Hey, Dr. Goodwin.

Um, you said all expenses were
being taken care of, right?

Yepperoonie.

Oh, thank god.

'Cause we just got a bill by
mistake for our room service

and minibar charges.

Oh, no, now, they never pay for that.

That's why I always bring my snack sack

with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

But you said all expenses paid.
That's what you said.

No, I distinctly remember saying
y'all's expenses are paid.

Not all y'all's.

No, no, no, no, that can't be.

I mean, how is anybody supposed to know

that "all y'all's" is plural for "y'all's"?

Well, all y'all's would
obviously be more than y'all's.

I mean... what is he saying?
Do you speak hillbilly?

Not well, but I think this hillbilly

is telling us that we owe $674.

Ooh, y'all ordered a lot.

Oh, man.

I ordered ribs, and I didn't like them,

so I ordered a steak.

I was living like Caesar up here.

And, Frankie, seriously? Dry cleaning?

They folded my underwear.
It made me feel special.

But what about you? Shoeshine?

What are you, running for congress?

I thought all expenses were paid.

It seemed nuts not to do it.
Let's just run, Mike.

Let's just grab the soap
and Kleenex and run.

We can't. We gave them a credit card...
the good one.

Ooh, boy, I got to say, y'all
are in quite a pickle.

- Are we?
- Are we in a pickle?

Have we done and done it?

Are we long-tail cats in
a room full of rockers?

Mike, calm down. That is
not helping anything.

Now, look, I will think of something,

but in the meantime,
take the robe off, hef.

That costs 60 bucks.

Take the other one out of my suitcase.

Okay, we start with the
basic categories of lies.

Number one... personal tragedy.

You're dying, a friend's
dying, grandma's dying.

You get the picture.

It's old school, but it totally works.

It does, however, require a
certain shady moral compass.

I could never do that to grandma.

She just sent fudge.

Well, there's the "appeal
to their humanity" lie.

You call up the professor and say,

"I could tell you a lie, but
I respect you too much."

Wait, so am I lying or not lying?

That might be a little advanced for you.

There is a new category
that's very promising.

The "I identify with the opposite gender

and have issues" lie.

The only downside is you have to live

the next four years as a man.

It's a big commitment.

I don't know! I don't know!

Okay, Axl, just tell me what to do.

Please! Please!

I can't do that, Sue.

You got to come up with
your own special lie

so when you say it, you believe it.

Okay. Okay. I'll say I-I
was outside sudfeld hall

when I saw a man collapse.

Good. Man collapse.

I like it. Go on.

And... and he was scared.

A-and he wanted me to comfort him,

and... and sing him a song.

Eeh! Lose the song.

You might be required to sing it.

Right, right, right, right.

Then he looked into my
eyes and he eked out,

"don't leave me, please!"

And I didn't 'cause I wouldn't.

I really wouldn't.

So, I waited until the paramedics came,

a-and then I ran all the way here

'cause I really want to take this test.

Nicely done, Sue. I like this lie for you.

It's fresh. It's original.

It's very you. You got this.

Thank you.

Sue, where were you?

Hi, Dr. Samuelson?

I'm Frankie Heck from the new Orson clinic.

Of course you are.

Anyway, I think there's
been a misunderstanding.

Not that I'm accusing anyone,

but I'm not sure it was 100% clear

that all expenses were paid.

Oh, it's very clear.

The convention and your room
is completely paid for.

Okay, see, I think that's
the misunderstanding.

Again, not accusing anyone...
it was Dr. Goodwin...

But some people's expenses

were not just the room and convention.

Wow. You guys really had fun.

Yeah, we did. We really did.

But since this is my
husband's and my first time

with all expenses paid,

we were hoping that you
could, just this once,

fold the bill into all your other expenses.

Just fold it in.

You've been with this
company for all of 48 hours

and you're asking me to pay your $674 bill?

Maybe.

Wow.

That's the exact kind of
moxie we're looking for.

Picturing the impossible

and thinking you can make it happen.

In this case, you can't.

But don't lose that fire.

So, you're not going to pay for it?

No way.

Selfie?

Sure.

♪ ♪

Hello?

Cindy, I told you not to call at this hour.

I just put him down for his nap.

No, you know I can't go out for ice cream.

Who would watch grandpa big Mike?

Even if I wanted to, I couldn't.

I've got a million things to do.

He left all his stuff on
the living room floor.

All I want to do is finish picking up,

pour myself a glass of
juice, and decompress.

Boy, they're a lot of work at this age.

It's a good thing grandpas are cute.

Oh, I'm telling you, Sue, that was great.

You took the lie, you internalized it,

then you externalized it
all over your professor.

Impressive.

Oh, thank you. It felt good.

Well, not the throwing-up part,
but the make-up test is awesome.

Damn, Sue, you crushed it.

You have just graduated
summa cum blabbity-blah

from the University of Axl.

Aww.

Listen, I know I was a little hostile

about having you here at first,

but now I'm kind of glad
you're my roommate.

Actually, was your roommate.

What? Where are you going?

I'm like Mary Poppins.

I've helped you.

Now it's time for me to
move on and help others.

And in this case,

"others" are two super-hot chicks

that live above Donovan's market

that'll let me sleep on
their beanbag for a week.

But it won't be the same here without you.

Of course it won't,

but when the fudge returns, so shall I.

Wait!

♪ ♪

Bye.

Hey, Sue.

Oh, Axl's not here. He moved out.

Oh, well, actually, we were
gonna go get some lunch

and wanted to know if you
wanted to come with.

Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, oh, lunch is one of my favorite meals.

You know, Mike, I think it's really nice

that Smile Superstars is
willing to pay the bill.

They're not paying it, Frankie.

They're taking it out of
your next six paychecks.

Well, I don't care. We had a great time.

You know, it's because of our own stupidity

that this whole trip was possible.

I mean, were we stupid not to find out

everything wasn't paid
for beforehand? Sure.

But if we had found out, would
we have had so much fun?

I don't think so.

And I had fun. Did you have fun?

Yes, I had fun.

Hm. You bet you did.

Ha! Yeah, that's right.

Not over yet.

Oh.

Hi.

Hey.

Shh.

Oh.

He's a good boy.

Wasn't much trouble.

Another year or two, you
won't even need me.

♪ ♪