The Middle (2009–2018): Season 7, Episode 10 - No Silent Night - full transcript

[Crow caws]

Frankie: Out here in the middle,

we know what Christmas is all about...

Peace, love, and the joy
of being with your family.

[Indistinct shouting]

- [Camera shutter clicks]
- Unless it's our family.

How did we get here?

Well, it all started innocently enough.

Got to say, not sure why
the gingerbread potato didn't fly.

Nutmeg and chives are actually
surprisingly good together.

So, listen, after we're done here,



before we go to church,

I want us all to take a picture

in mom and dad's bed, wearing Santa hats.

Yeah, I'm not doing that.

Axl, you have to.

I want to post it so that
when everyone wakes up,

they will see it on Christmas morning.

It'll be iconic.

Who's everyone,

and why do they need to
see us when they wake up?

Dad, if you need me to explain it to you,
you don't get it.

I don't get it,
and I don't want it explained to me.

Well, since it's an iconic
family Christmas photo,

I assume you won't need me in it.



We left you off of one Christmas card.

You were a baby. We made it up to you.

Move on.

Okay, guys, you got to eat faster.

We have 20 minutes till we have to leave

because this year, we are leaving by 6:00.

What? Church doesn't start till 8:00.

It's already bad enough we got to go.

Why do we got to get there two hours early?

Because every year, we're late,

and I'm not sitting in the
overflow room this year.

It's getting embarrassing.

Well, you can forget about the
main floor at this point.

We're already in the overflow room.
It's 6:00 now.

What? Are you serious? My watch says 5:40.

Well, if it's only 5:40,
then we have time to take my picture.

You know, ever since this fell in
the toilet, it's running slow.

Seriously, it's 6:00?

- I checked the kitchen clock.
- Oh, that's the dog clock.

It's always set an hour ahead so I
can give Doris her flea medicine.

She stays on central time.
Trust me, it makes sense.

Uh, no, that's not ahead anymore, remember?

You had me change it back because
it kept making us early.

- So, what time does the microwave say?
- Same as always.

That one only always says 2:00.

No, you got to know how to read it.

Just 1, 2, and 3 are 2:00.

The sixes and zeros work,

and the second time it flashes 2:00,
it's really 4:00.

Will someone just tell me what time it is?!

Is it dog time or microwave
time or toilet time?

Let's just get out the
phone book and call time.

Nobody calls time, grandpa.

Nobody's called time since time started.

Oh, my God, I have a phone.
It's 6:48. Okay? Chill.

Gooo!

Okay, people, you know the drill!

Mike, you'll drop us off and
park in the overflow lot.

Axl, you run in and lay
yourself across the pew,

saving seats until Brick
comes there with the coats,

and this time, actually save the seats.

Don't give it away to old people.

The guy was a World War II veteran!

- You say no to that!
- Oh, anybody can buy one of those hats

and say they were in the war.

Now, while dad is parking and
Axl and Brick are saving seats,

Sue and I will sweet-talk
the choir director

to get a bead on whether they're
gonna open the choir vestibule.

If they're gonna open it,
I will give a signal.

We will split into two
groups, grab the coats,

and plow our way to the staircases.

I don't want to sit in the vestibule.

If we get the vestibule,
you're going in the vestibule.

Oh! Damn it!

Please don't let us end up
in the second overflow room!

[Groans]

[Sniffs] Dirty. [Sniffs] Dirty.
[Sniffs] Dirty.

[Sighs] You know, it's just not fair.

The people who never go to church

squeeze out the people who
sometimes go to church.

[Groans]

Look at us, Mike.

What are we doing?

Even if we get out the door right now,

it's gonna be a nightmare.

We're gonna end up in the second overflow
with the cinder-block walls.

To be honest, it's like church jail.

Maybe we should just not go.

Are you serious?

'Cause once this thing's off, it's off.

Yeah. I'm calling it.

Guys! Get in here!

Your mom says we don't got
to go to church this year.

Not go to church? Can we do that?

[Gasps] Maybe we should ask God for a sign.

Here's our sign, Sue.

Ho ho! Awesome!

It's been real. See you
guys new year's day!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Just 'cause I said we're
not going to church

doesn't mean we're not going to church.

There's plenty of channels that
offer a Christmas Eve service,

so we'll stay at home and watch it on TV.

Okay.

- And everybody wears pants!
- Axl: [Groans]

Come on, guys! It's starting!
You don't want to miss this!

I found us a good one. It's from Atlanta.

Okay, Gatorade for the wine

and wheat thins for the wafers.

This is gonna work.

[Vocalizing "Deck the Halls"]

I tell you, Frankie, I
have never been happier.

No need to get me anything.

Not wrecking my back sitting
in those pews all night

is the only present I need.

This may be the best idea you've had

- since you said, "no fourth kid."
- Mm.

Actually, I said, "no second kid."

You know, Axl,

you still owe me $2.13 for mom's present.

Yeah. I'm a little tapped
out right now, Brick.

I'll get you back later.

You say that every year.

In fact, I don't think you
ever paid up for last year,

so you actually owe me $4.26.

I owe you?

That's hilarious.

I was the one who, way
back in kindergarten,

picked out the perfume cat,

which turned out to be her
favorite thing in the world.

In fact, you're lucky I ever even
brought you in on this thing.

Sue's been wanting in on it for years,

but I said, "no. It's a brother thing,"

and this is how you repay me?

Fine. You don't want to pay?

I'll just say it's from me.

Unh-unh. [Chuckles]

You think you're gonna cut me out now?

You wanted in on the big-boy gift,

I let you in on the big-boy gift.

In fact, now that I think about it,

you owe me.

- What?!
- Yeah.

I never even asked you for money

till you were at least... 7,

so, technically, you owe
me money, plus interest.

Yeah. It's a business term. Look it up.

[Scoffs]

[ Organ music playing]

Oh! No, no, no! Don't sit.

Rise for the pastor.

He's coming in. He's coming in.

Nobody can see us.

God can see us.

If we're gonna get credit for this,
it has to be legit.

We have to treat it with the same solemnity

as we do regular church.

[Bag crinkling]

Pastor: You may all be seated.

[Sighs] A reading from the
gospel of Luke, chapter...

You don't have to worry
about the remote, Mike.

This is the one we're watching.

I just want to hold it.

Why are we whispering?

Whispering.

We're in church.

Okay, at the next commercial break,

can we please do the photo?

Shh! I'm not doing the photo.

Brick, you're in, right?

I can count on your support for my photo?

I'm thinking about it.

[Singsong] I will drive you
to the library three times.

70.

70?

How did you get from 3 to 70?

70.

Fine... 4.

71.

Come on!

72. 73.

Okay, fine, fine, fine, fine!

- 68, and that is my final offer.
- Sold.

[Chuckling] All right,
I've got Brick on board.

- Mom, you're in, right?
- Sure.

- Dad?
- Uh... I'll do it,

but only if I get to stay here.

What?

Wait, so we're just gonna sit on a couch

and wear Santa hats?

Yeah, that makes sense.

Just get it over with,

and she'll stop talking about it.

If I smother her with a pillow,

she'll also stop talking about it. [Sighs]

Come on, Axl. The whole family's doing it.

If you're not in the picture,

- everybody is gonna think you're dead!
- Good!

This is the gospel of the lord.

Ah! Commercial!

Okay, come on, hecks! Let's do this!

[Sighs]

[Singsong] I'll do your laundry.

No tagging... Facebook, not Instagram.

I get final photo approval,

and as for the laundry, I
prefer fabric softener

on anything that touches my business.

Okay.

Now, dad, you go next to mom,

and then Axl...

No, wait, and then Brick.

Commercial's not that long, Sue.

Okay, then we will go oldest to youngest,

but I'm in the middle.

Okay, all right. We're almost there!

And one for you... You know, Axl, I
still want my money for the gift.

I want my money for the gift.

Maybe I'll just forget this unholy alliance

and get her my own gift.

Hey, if you can come up with a
better idea than perfume cat,

then be my guest.

And, dad, you get a
super, super special one!

Are you excited?

Nah. I don't want to wear a hat.

Okay, what would you say if
I told you yours said...

"Daddy-o"?

I would say I'm definitely
not wearing a hat.

Oh! Oh! I forgot Doris!

No, no. No Doris.

If she sits on anything
with give, she pees.

I'm not far behind.

Okay, okay.

While we're young.

[Camera beeps] Lookin' good, people!

Okay.

[Gasps] I know!

I am gonna caption this "Happy Heckidays"!

Okay, smile!

- [Camera shutter clicks]
- Frankie: So, we might have looked happy,

but it didn't stay that way.

Sue! Brick! Get back
here and finish church!

- ♪ Glory to God ♪
- Sue: I'm almost done.

I'm still listening!

♪ Glory to God in the highest ♪

Just finishing uploading the picture.

♪ And peace to his people on Earth ♪

Okay, if they don't have
to be here for this,

I'm going to the bathroom.

I just chugged some of your
communion juice, and I got to pee!

Where is everybody going?

Sue, get back! You're gonna
miss the "peace be with yous"!

- [Click]
- [ Sports announcer talking] Mike!

God would not have created the remote
if he did not want me to use it.

- [Click]
- [Choir vocalizing]

Is that our cat perfume?

Why is it in such a big box?

Well, I could only find one
big piece of wrapping paper,

and I'm not allowed to cut,
so I had to find a big box.

Oh, ho! I know what you're doing.

You were waiting for me
to go to the bathroom.

Then you were gonna give it to her

like it's just from you.

Gee. I hadn't thought of that,

but thanks for the idea, idea man.

Enjoy the bathroom.

Give me the present.

Until I get my $4.26, it's mine.

[Paper rustling]

We have a present for you from both of us.

Even if only one of us paid for it.

Or if it was one of our ideas.

Wow! [Chuckles]

What is this? It's so big!

Okay, I guess you guys are old enough
for me to tell you this now.

Every year, you'd get me that cat perfume,

and I'd "ooh" and "ahh" over it,

and it was so sweet of you.

But the truth is, it smelled awful.

I have 12 of 'em stashed behind
the frosting in the garage.

[Chuckles]

You really never liked it?

'Cause every time you went out somewhere,

you always said you would put
on your purrisian nights.

And you used to pet the velvet

and say how you always wanted a cat.

[Laughs nervously]

You guys! Oh, I was kidding!

Oh, bad joke.

I just said I didn't like it

because I was worried that you
got me something different,

and I didn't want you to feel bad

that you didn't get me the
cat perfume that I love.

But phew! You did, and I love it.
I love it so much!

Did you know she hated it?

"Hate's" not a strong enough word.

Sue: Oh, no.

Brick, could I see you a minute?

You know...

You should've just told
me you didn't like it.

You think I care about whether
or not I make you happy?

[Chuckling] I mean, it's got a...
Pearl necklace.

Did you see that? Wearing the pearls.

Axl? Can you come in here a minute?

[Sighs]

I saw the big box.

I thought it was the fuggs I wanted.

- Fuggs?
- Yeah, they're the knock-off uggs.

They make 'em out of old tires.

[Vocalizing] Did you
not even read my list?

Can I just change it to the football game?

We got a loose handle on
the whole Jesus story.

I think we're good. [Sighs]

What's going on in here?

Sue has something to tell you,

and keep in mind... we're in church.

Okay, okay, see, I-I-I was uploading the...

The... the bed pictures onto the computer,

and something happened,
and [Sighs] they're gone.

Well, I'm sorry, Sue.

We're not taking another picture.

Now, come on. Your dad's got an itchy
trigger finger with the remote.

Uh, no, I-I mean,

they're all gone... like, all the pictures.

Oh. Well, that's a bummer.

How many pictures did you
have on your camera?

No, not just the camera.

Like... All the pictures on our computer

that we've ever, ever taken are gone!

What?! No!

They have to be there!

[Keyboard clacking] Where are they?
Where are they?

Mom, you can't just hit random buttons.

We already tried that.

Okay, wait.

Our computer is old.

We just have to unplug
it, wait five seconds,

then plug it back in.

[Computer beeps]

[Sighs]

All: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5.

Okay, wait. One more
second just to be safe.

Go.

- I didn't do anything weird. I promise.
- [Beep]

I just plugged the camera
into the cable, like always.

I just wanted to Photoshop
a Santa hat onto dad.

It was just the way I saw it!

It's gonna be fine, Sue,
because this is gonna work.

[Keyboard clacks]

Frankie: It didn't.

[Beep]

1...2...

All: 3... 4...

All: 28... 29... 30!

[Beep]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Mike?!

They're gone! They're gone!

Every picture we've taken for
the last seven years is gone!

What are you talking about?
You have backups, don't you?

No, they were on the computer,
and now they're gone!

Listen, I keep hearing about a cloud.

Do we have a cloud?

Just the black one over our heads.

- Axl: We don't have a cloud!
- Well, can we get one?!

We need to buy one right now.

Oh, my God, everything is gone...

Sue's graduation, Axl's graduation,

Sue's birthday, Axl's birthday!

Not hearing a lot of Brick.

Do something besides read,
and we'll take your picture.

Sorry. I'm just too panicked
to coddle you right now.

Wait... do not tell me

the photo where I ran up against the wall

and did that perfect flip was on there!

It's only the most awesome
photo ever taken,

and I'll never be able to do it again!

Ohh! You really Sue'd this one up, Sue!

Well, it's not my fault, Axl!

You know, if we had the original cord

that came with the computer...

But no! You had to take it up to college.

So now mom and dad have this
cheap knock-off Mr. Cord,

so when I plugged it into
the computer, it said,

"this device is not
supported by your cord"!

It's not the cord! It's the computer!

[Gasps] Disney World!

I told your dad and I told your dad

we needed to get a new computer.

Yet, the man who knows
nothing about computers said

this one is fine!

Don't try to blame this on me.

I don't even know why we
need a damn computer.

Oh, no! My "Winds of War" book!

I took a picture of every page

and uploaded it to the computer,

and now you're telling me it's gone?!

- Why would you do that?
- Well, I hadn't read it yet,

and you guys are always on
me about late library fees.

It took me four solid days.

How many times have I said
to print them out, Frankie?

Just print them out.

Gee, that's really helpful
right now, Mike. Thanks!

Actually, it would've been
nice to have a printed version

of all the pages I took pictures of.

That's called a book.

I'm gonna be sick.

Look, you only need six
pictures in life, anyway...

Born, first day of school, first car,

married, first kid...

Funeral.

What about second kid? Or third?

Babies look like babies.

[Gasps] Babies!

Where are the baby pictures?

Where are the picture from
eight years ago and before...

Before they all went digital?

You lost those, too?!

No, no, no, wait. I think I
have them in a box somewhere.

Like a-a knock-off stride rite box

from when you kids were little.

I think it was, like,
stride mite, stride tite?

Oh, my God, I haven't seen it in forever.

We got to find that box!

Okay, it's red or blue.

Everybody, just start looking!

Really, Frankie? Are we
really gonna do this now?

It's Christmas Eve, and
you're running around,

making yourself a wreck over some pictures.

Relax. Nobody's dead.

Yes, they are! 15-year-old Sue is dead!

She's gone, and we'll never
set eyes on her again now.

And what about 10-year-old Axl,

when he was sweet and he liked me?

He's gone, too.

There were thousands of pictures, Mike...
thousands!

Of this family?! Why?! I don't get it.

It's like you're trying to archive

for some museum that's
never gonna be built.

Unless you're a president
or a serial killer,

nobody cares!

I care!

She cares!

I can do it again! Somebody grab a camera!

Mike: This is dumb. I don't
even know what I'm looking for!

Damn it! [Gasps]

The greatest moment of our lives,

and now it's lost to the world forever.

[Groans] The light was streaming
in through the hall

and backlit my hair while I was flipping!

Stop talking about you, Axl!
It's not about you!

Oh, yeah, let's talk about you!

Why is dad looking down here?

I should be covering
everything 5 feet and below!

Really, Mike?!

I need you to look on top of the hutch,

over the fridge... high places, high!

I can't believe you never
liked perfume cat.

Not the time, Brick!

Ohh! The marines at Thanksgiving.

It's not my fault! It's technology's fault!

[Doorbell rings]

Who the hell comes to the
door on Christmas Eve?!

What kind of person...

♪ Joy to the world ♪

♪ The lord is... ♪

- Where is the box?!
- That's right!

- It might not even be a box.
- It could be a bag.

I don't know! Just keep looking!

God, if we don't have computer pictures

and we don't have picture
pictures, we have nothing!

Our history is gone!

I can't remember anything without pictures!

What did I eat for breakfast today?

See? Gone!

Oh, God, could I have thrown it away

when we did that spring
cleaning a couple years ago?

That would be so typical of me!

Other people have a system,

and I don't have a system,
and now it's gone!

Mom, it's not your fault.

Yes, it is.

This whole damn house is
just a system failure.

That computer has not been
backed up for 67 weeks!

I just kept hitting, "remind me later."

Everything here is "remind me later."

We live a "remind me later" life.

Oh, my God, what is wrong with me?!

I can't store pictures properly.

I don't appreciate cat
perfume from my children.

I have got to do a better job!

It's okay, mom!

I found it! I found it!!

It was in the garage!

Oh, thank God!

Old people magazines?

Nooooo!!

[Crying]

They're gone!

[Crying]

Everything is gone!

It's as if we never existed!

[Crying]

Oh, sure, I kept two copies of

the John Travolta "look
who's talking" edition

but not our family memories!

Do you want me to throw this out?

No.

I can't believe it.

My great-grandkids are not gonna
know me as young and pretty...

Just old and gross!

What?! No, mom, you're pretty.

You're so pretty!

We'll describe your beauty to our kids.

I can write about it. I
wrote a good sentence once.

[Sobbing]

I-I just...

I can't even speak!

[Crying]

[Sport event plays on TV]

Dad! Are you gonna do something?

Nope.

Do you not hear her?! Do
you not hear your wife?!

Why are you just sitting there?!

Look, I have been through
this too many times...

The drama over stupid stuff.

The baby clothes, the
solar-powered calculator.

"I lost my phone. I left
my purse in the road.

My car is missing"...

Only, it's parked behind the building.

"The bachelor picked the wrong girl!"

I just... I [Sighs] I can't.

I'm done. I got nothing to give.

[Frankie sobbing]

Hey, mom.

Hey, hey.

Shh, shh, shh, shh!

Look. I have a camera.

Yeah. We'll take new pictures.

See?

Just like... yeah.

[Wails]

Frankie: So, it wasn't looking like

the happiest of heckidays this Christmas,

but God bless the kids
for trying to save it.

It's bad, Axl. It's real bad.

I've never seen her like this.

[Sobbing]

Hey! Uh...

How you doing, mom?

You, uh, still crying, huh?

[Sobbing continues]

Hey, uh, you want to hug me?

You like to hug me, right?

I'll let you hug me. Come on.

[Sobbing continues]

Hey, you want to ruffle my hair?

I just washed it yesterday.

- Huh?
- [Sobbing continues]

Okay, this is not like the time
they forgot her curly fries.

This is bad. She wouldn't even hug me.

[Gasps]

- [Crying]
- Hey, mom.

You know, when I'm distraught,

I find that there's always a
passage in "Planet Nowhere"

to make me feel better.

"Chapter 3.

Zortof arrived at the cave of knowledge

to find it walled over with moss.

[Wailing]

You have to fix this!

Yeah! Fix her! You're the father!

If you're not gonna provide
us with a lavish lifestyle,

the least you can do is fix mom!

It's true. I just found out
we're on the poverty line.

There's a chart at college,

and in Monaco, we are way below it!

She's in bad shape.

When amenjula the moth emperor

revealed the secret passage
to the new cave of knowledge,

she just laid there like a silligan!

[Wailing continues]

How are you just sitting there?!

- Do something, please!
- She's your wife!

How am I supposed to fix it?!

If the pictures are gone,
then the pictures are gone!

Brick: Please! Comfort her!
You need to be compassionate!

She's your wife! Comfort your wife!

Ow! Damn it!

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

Run, Sue! Run to the bathroom
with the lock that works!

There isn't one!

What the hell is wrong with you?!

- Sue: Aah!
- Has everyone lost their minds?!

It would be nice

if this family had one Christmas...

- [glass shatters]
- Brick: Oh! The cat perfume!

Ho!

God!

[Indistinct shouting]

Frankie: Clearly, we're a
family that needs church.

And on Earth, peace and
goodwill toward all.

But... How can we truly
achieve peace on Earth?

Frankie: Unfortunately, we got there late.

So we were in the third overflow room,

which is conveniently located
in the church nursery.

Frankie: Yep, so, we pretty much
hecked up our Christmas Eve,

but in the light of morning,

things always look a little better.

I'm cold. Can we close the door now?

Is the smell gone?

My eyes burn a little less now.

Actually, Frankie, I got
you something else.

Really?

What could be better than a set
of 5-pound travel weights?

Ah, I got a good feeling about this one.

[Gasps] Oh, my God!

Oh! It's the old pictures!

Oh, my God!

I forgot I put them in the
"Soul Train compilation" box!

Oh, Mike! Where did you find them?

I stayed up after you went to bed,

and I found the "Soul Train" box

stuffed into a Barbie penthouse box

- in the basement.
- Aww!

Wait... where are the "Soul Train" CDs?

Easy, girl.

Sorry I couldn't get the
ones off the computer,

but, you know, I still call time, so...

Aww!

- Here's Sue as a baby.
- Aww!

Oh! And here's Axl.

Is this one of me?

Sure.

What are pictures, anyway?

Little moments of time you freeze

so you can save them forever.

But sometimes, the memories
that really stick with you

are the ones you'd rather forget.