The Middle (2009–2018): Season 7, Episode 7 - Homecoming II: The Tailgate - full transcript

[Crow caws]

♪♪

Drinking in the morning?

Knew it would come to this.

Just surprised it took so long.

For your information,

I'm making a signature drink
for the Homecoming tailgate.

Nancy's bringing lunch,
Paula's doing sides,

and since no one trusts
me to cook, I'm drinks.

All right. I am almost
done with my poster.

Maybe you've had enough.



I'm not drunk. I'm just happy.

- You want some of my frankietini?
- No, it's a little early for me.

Did you guys know that
if it wasn't for me,

the class of 2015 wouldn't
even have an alumni table?

Okay, strap in, people.
'Cause it is a crazy story.

Maybe just a little.

I called the school to find out who
the class liaison was for Homecoming,

and they told me there wasn't one.

[Laughs] And I'm like, "whaaa?!"

I'll tell you when.

So, by the time I got off the
phone, the class liaison was me.

That means I am in
charge of everything...

contacting all my classmates,
setting up the alumni table...

Yeah, that's pretty much it.



So [Chuckles] what do you think?

- I do remember 2015.
- Good times.

[Door closes]

Don't get excited. I only
came home to throw up.

- What?
- Yeah.

That guy we're staying with,
Olson, got a stomach thing,

then Hutch got it, now
I'm starting to feel it.

And, you know, I only like to
barf in the bosom of my family.

God, no. Get away from me, Axl!
I can't get sick.

I am practically running Homecoming.

He's not sick.

I just said "bosom," and I didn't laugh.
Clearly I'm dying.

You better not be dying.
You're my cornhole partner.

We're getting that giant spatula.

What?

It's that stupid cornhole
tournament trophy.

Ron Donahue's won it for
the last five years.

Four. Not five, only four,
and he's obnoxious about it.

Last time we had a barbecue,
he brought that thing over,

and he starts flipping burgers while
I'm in the house getting the buns.

You don't touch another man's grill

or his remote or his wife...
in that order.

Whoo-hoo! Top three!

Ugh! Everybody stop talking!

I don't want the last thing I hear
to be the sound of your voices.

You're not sick.

Did he just go into our bathroom?

[Toilet flushes]

♪♪

[Groans]

Damn it, Axl. Get out of my bed.

God, you have, like,
no maternal instinct.

Don't be naked in my bed! You're
getting my sheets all germy!

Go get into your own bed.

Too late! This one's
already contaminated.

Get out. Don't you start burrowing in, Axl.
Stop burrowing!

Get off of me! Why do you hate me?!

No! No!

[Grunting]

Axl: [Muffled] I feel like I'm moving.

Am I floating to heaven?

Hey, Mom. Listen, your
onion dip recipe...

is that from the back of the chip
bag or the back of the soup box?

- Chip bag. What's it for?
- Tag: Who is that? Janet?

No, it's Frankie.

It's for the Homecoming
tailgate on Saturday.

I just thought I might bring some.

Ooh, a tailgate. Sounds nice.

Yeah, and I'm making a signature drink.
Should be really fun.

Not the drink, the whole day. But
the drink should be fun, too.

Yeah, it's kind of bluish.

Hey, you know, we haven't been
to a Homecoming in forever.

Maybe we should come down.

No, I don't think...

Tag, you want to go to
Homecoming this Saturday?!

- At Janet's?
- At Frankie's!

[Sighs] Yeah, sure. Let's do it.
We'll see you this weekend.

[Sighs]

[Telephone beeps]

Okay, you know I love my parents,

but I really don't want
them at Homecoming.

I mean, I feel bad even
saying that out loud

'cause I'm so lucky to still have them.

But [Sighs] Homecoming
is for fun and friends,

and my parents are just
gonna be so... There.

And they're gonna say things to people.

So tell them not to come.

Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Well, yeah, but you're the one
that said you don't want them.

Yeah, I know. But I should. I'm
just so lucky to still have them.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I don't want the sheet with
the hole in it on my side.

It's not even a sheet anymore.

It's four corners of elastic
with air in the middle.

I'll take my chances on the
towel with the mystery stain.

Hey, you think Axl can shake
this stomach thing by Saturday?

Oh, my God. Are you still
worried about cornhole?

I will buy you the stupid spatula.

No! You got to win the stupid spatula.

You buy it, you look like a jerk.

[Sighs]

Zipper on top... no!

You know, this is all because

I called my Mom for the dip recipe.

If I had a time machine, I would
go back and not call her.

I know with the time machine,
you're supposed to kill Hitler,

and I will, but first this.

Look, I'm not saying it wouldn't
be better without them,

but suck it up. It's one day.

No, that's the whole point.

This is my one day to just forget
about work and bills and puking kids.

I mean, I'm not going on a cruise.

I'm not going glamping
with my girlfriends.

I just have Homecoming.

So, if I don't want my parents
with me this one time,

it doesn't mean I don't love them.

- They'll understand that, right?
- What's glamping?

I mean, we spend Christmas with them.
We spend Thanksgiving with them.

I remember being with them
recently on a Tuesday.

So, if I just want to have
some fun without them,

- is that so wrong?
- No.

Of course it is, Mike! I should
want to be with them all the time.

I'm so lucky to still have them.

You don't have to keep saying that.

Yes, I do. I'm afraid if I
don't, God will take them.

Tonight? 'Cause that would
solve your problem.

[Sighs] Okay, that's it. I have
nothing to feel guilty about.

I am gonna call them and
tell them not to come.

[Dial tone]

[Groans]

- How'd it go?
- Shut up.

[Grunts]

Stupid dip.

Unh.

[Sighs]

Unh.

Come on, Axl. Get your
head in the game.

I just threw up 20 minutes ago.

Well, don't throw up out here.
It's supposed to freeze tonight.

We'll have to look at it all winter.

All I'm doing is picking up
bags and carrying them to you.

I'm basically doing the job of a dog.

You want me to get Doris to do it?

She can't fetch anymore, remember?
She has no mandibles.

- Things just fall out of her mouth.
- Yeah.

I just don't get why you're
going to all this trouble.

What's not to get? We're doing
it for the giant spatula.

And I'm the weird one. Weird one.

- Can you feel my head?
- Hey.

- Am I hot?
- That's your Mom's department.

I'm dead birds in the pool.

You got a dead bird on your
forehead, I'm your man.

Hey, Mike!

Just going to get the meat

for the giant hamburger I'm
gonna make after Homecoming.

Lucky we'll have a spatula
big enough to flip it!

I'm sorry about the trash talk.
Ron made me say that.

♪♪

[Sighs]

Well, as an alumna now, I can tell you
high school really is just a blip.

When you're in college, all the things you
cared about you realize didn't even matter.

All the clubs that rejected you,
all the elections you didn't win,

all the committees you formed
that people didn't show up to...

no bigs.

- [School bell rings]
- Ah! The bell.

Oh, really enjoy it.
It goes by too fast.

- Tardy sweep.
- Aww.

Oh, wait. No, no, no.
No, I'm in college.

- Oh, yeah. I'm in college, too.
- Me, too. I go to Harvard.

♪♪

[Chuckles]

What are you doing, buddy?

All hail the cornhole pro.

Whoo!

Yep. Now that I'm an athlete,

I should probably wear one of those
shirts that has numbers on it.

Also that plastic thing athletes
wear to protect my area.

I'm telling you, Frankie,
he is unbelievable.

The kid's a natural.

Are you sure you're
talking about Brick?

'Cause yesterday it took him three
tries to hit the light switch.

The tide's turning here.

He's great at cornhole.
He's protecting his area.

I'm just trying to figure
out how he got so good.

♪♪

Who knew the road to the giant spatula
would go through that little guy?

[Door opens] Pat: [Sing-song
voice] Guess who.

Hi, Pat.

- Hi, Mom.
- Aww.

Where's Dad?

Oh, I convinced him to stay home.
He's such a stick in the mud.

Takes an act of congress
to get pants on him.

He only wears velour.

Mm. What's with the paper towels?

Oh, I didn't know if you had any.
You don't always shop.

I telling you, Frankie,
these are the best.

You can get them wet, wipe
up a spill, wet them again,

dry them out, and use
them over and over again.

I'm carrying them everywhere lately.

[Door opens]

- Oh, hi, Grandma!
- Hi!

Oh, my gosh. You will never
believe what just happened.

C-razy story.

Well, first there was a little
mix-up with the tardy sweep.

[Chuckling] Mr. Farrar thought
I was still in high school.

I mean, I was flattered, of course.

Oh, somebody at the dry-cleaner's
once thought I was Marlo Thomas.

[Both chuckle]

Anyway, after I fixed the tardy thing,

I found out something that
is going to blow your mind.

Are you ready for this?

Sue, we don't always need all the build up.
Just... you can just say it.

They weren't planning on having
the mascot at Homecoming.

[Chuckles] Like, whaaa?!

Apparently being mascot
isn't "cool" anymore.

So, I will once again be seeing Homecoming
through the eyes of a giant chicken head.

[Chuckles] Well, not really through the
eyes. I actually see through the beak.

Oh, I probably shouldn't say that.

[Chuckles] It ruins the mystery.

Anyway, now I really, really,
really cannot get sick.

Yeah, Axl has a flu bug.

A really bad flu bug.

You... you know, actually, maybe
you shouldn't be around us,

because it's ripping through the house.

We're probably all gonna get it.

What do you mean we're
all gonna get it?

We're not all gonna get it.

You just said we're all gonna get it.

- I already got it.
- What? When?

Yesterday, when I was mowing out back.

One and done.

Pat: I'm fine.

I'm taking this new packet of
multivitamins for women 60-plus.

I've got more energy than
I know what to do with.

[Chuckles]

If Axl has it and then Dad got it,

that means it's making its way
through the whole family!

[Sighs] Oh, hi, Grandma. I'm sick.

A want more jelly.

- Give me your toast, Axl!
- Whoa, what? Why?

I need a guarantee I am not
gonna be sick for Homecoming,

and the only way to do that is to get
sick right now and get it over with.

I need your germs.

- Give me your germs, Axl!
- Frankie: Hey, hey, hey.

These are my germs! Get your own germs!

Aah!

Sue, ah, ah, ah, go to your room.

You're gonna stay healthy.
Axl, you too.

I got this.

♪♪

Wow. This floor is filthy.

[Scoffs] What was that place called
we went by that orange grove?

- Indian River.
- I can't remember the name of it.

It was the one with all the groves.

- Indian River.
- Went on for miles.

I just can't remember the name of it.

I said Indian River.

Indian River!

[Laughs]

Frankie: There was no way I
was gonna have a good time

at the tailgate if my Mom was there.

I love her. I feel so
lucky to still have her.

I think I've made that clear.

But I had to get rid of her.

The trick was to do it without
hurting her feelings.

It required a steady hand.

Like diffusing a bomb,

you have to cut the wires
in the right order.

It's not gonna be the best tailgate.

Team's pretty lousy this year.

Oh, I don't go for the game.
I go for the company.

Nope, wrong wire.

- Have you seen our new Costco?
- You got a new Costco?

Bingo! Now be delicate.

Yeah. They have the turtle
pies that you like...

In bulk.

Oh. I do love those.

And I know those VHS
tapes are hard to get,

- but they have them there.
- Mm.

Also, gas is one cent cheaper. You
really should go check it out.

Ah, maybe another time. I
wouldn't want to miss Homecoming.

No, no, no, of course not. I'm
just saying it's not a big deal.

The important thing is I've
gotten to spend time with you.

Everybody's gotten to
spend time with you.

So, if there are things you want to
do, don't let us stand in your way.

I'm so lucky to have you.

Time to snip that last wire.

The ironic thing is there'll never
be a better time to go than today.

Everybody will be at Homecoming,
so the place will be empty.

No lines.

Well, the kids will all be
off doing their own thing.

Oh, my God. I'm a Batman villain.

I'd love to pick up another
24-pack of my paper towels.

Stop smiling.

Sue, sweetie, would you mind if I
go to Costco instead of Homecoming?

What? No! No, no, no, no, no!

I'm the class of 2015 liaison.
I'm the mascot.

You already missed the last time

I thought it was my
last time being mascot.

This last time will definitely
be my last, last time,

and you want to miss it for Costco?

Of course I don't, honey.
I'll be there.

Yay! [Laughs]

[Sighs]

Boom.

♪♪

If you know anybody from the
class of 2015, send them my way!

Hey. Hey, you!

You're in my class! Get
back here and reminisce!

[Sighs]

I'm not in high school anymore.

- Hi, Frankie. Hi, Paula.
- Happy Homecoming.

Oh, my God. Sean, is that you?

He's just trying it out.
Doesn't mean anything.

Jesus had a beard. And Jim Henson.

And none of them were doing
drugs, I can tell you that.

[Chuckles] What's with the new look?

I don't know. You just get to a point

where you start asking,
"what is the real me?"

I'm just letting it ride, you know?

No, they don't know. Nobody knows.

Nobody has any idea what
you're talking about.

I'm gonna go get a veggie burger.

Are you trying to hurt me?

[Scoffs] Nancy, don't worry about it.

Listen, I remember when Axl decided

he wanted to be more like Johnny Depp.

So he started wrapping scarves....

I don't know why I was worried.

My Mom wasn't gonna cramp my style.

No, not at all.

Okay, just ignore her.
Concentrate on the story.

You're always funny when you tell it.

Stop looking at her.

[Clears throat]

You already said that part.

You're ruining the
story, and it's gold.

Stop looking at her.

Everybody's always bothered
by their own parents.

I bet nobody even notices her.

Oh, that's just your skin. [Chuckles]

And from there, it only got worse.

♪♪

I just love watching you
have fun with your friends!

♪ You are the honey drop
on the tip of my tongue ♪

♪ you're all the songs
I wish I'd sung ♪

Mm, Pat, I'm so obsessed
with this cake.

[Laughs] Thank you.

I'm so glad you like it.

So, let's see. How
many of us are there?

Oh, just everybody give me $2 each,

and that should cover the
cost of the ingredients.

Well, I don't have any cash on me.

I could go back to the car

and see if there's any
change in the cupholder.

Do you have anything?

No. Do you want us to
give the cake back?

[Chuckles] Mom.

You can't charge people at a tailgate.

Everybody brought stuff.

Those ingredients
weren't cheap, Frankie.

That's real vanilla.

There's nothing wrong with
asking people to chip in.

We're on a fixed income.

We have to watch our finances.

We can't be all
loosey-goosey like you are.

What is that supposed to mean?

Oh, you're just a little
free with your money.

I eat out of dented cans
from the Frugal Hoosier.

This was a hand-me-down from
our cleaning lady at work!

- Why are you so angry?
- How did you get like this, huh?

When did you become...
you're just so...

licking my face and shaking
down my friends for money.

And what's the deal
with the paper towels?

Stop telling people they're so strong
you can make curtains out of them.

Who would want to do that?!

I love you, and I'm lucky
to still have you,

but I wish you would stop
embarrassing me with your...

I'm embarrassing you? You
think I'm embarrassing?

[Sighs] I'm sorry. Wait.

I didn't mean that.

I'm not saying I have
a drinking problem,

but I [Chuckles] I can't hold
my frankietinis, you know?

I've been saying crazy things all day.

I told someone I like scallions.
[Chuckles] What?

You know, I think maybe
I'll go check on Sue.

[Voice breaking] She's
always happy to see me.

[Sighs] Mom.

Okay, so, uh, we scraped together...
94 cents.

- It's okay.
- Okay.

Hey, Mike, uh, if you need any
help picking up those bags,

I can do it with my giant spatula.

[Laughs]

I've had it for four years
now, going on five.

I almost wish somebody
would win it from me.

It's getting ridiculous.

[Chuckles] He's going bald, you know.

All right, Dad, I'm here for you.
Let's do this.

Why are you here? I thought
you were still sick.

Well, I was laying in your bed
watching a show about some mom

who lifts her car off a
baby, and, uh, it hit me.

You're the baby.

So, now I got supermom strength.

I'm here to lift this crushing
loser weight off of you.

Happy ending. You're welcome.
You're out.

- That's not fair.
- Life isn't fair, Brick.

That's why I got all this,
and you got all that.

Well, can't you find another partner?
Sean's free.

You know, I'm not into
competition right now.

I feel like there's enough
competitiveness in the world.

Who are you?

That's what I'm trying to figure out.

I'm the one who should be playing with Dad.
I'm the athletic guy.

Well, now I'm the athletic guy.

"So, get me a root beer," he
said in an act of intimidation

toward one who has less ability
in the arena of sport.

I'm not kidding, Brick.

I need to shine. This is where I shine.

Are we still talking about cornhole?

Look, past few years have
been rough on me, okay?

In high school, I was
great at everything.

Not Math and English, but
the important stuff.

And now the coach never
plays me anymore.

Me and Devin broke up.

Excuse me, if we're playing
"whose life is more pathetic,"

I believe I am solidly on the board.

I'm strange. Most of my conversations
with Dad consist of awkward silences.

- I have no place to live!
- I don't know how to skip.

I'm graduating in a year and a half,

and I have no idea what
I'm doing with my life!

Mouthwash doesn't work on me.

- Ugh! Okay, Dad, choose.
- Yeah, Dad, who's it gonna be?

Mike had to do something he never
had to do in his whole life...

pick between his two sons.

So, he did the only thing a father
could do in that situation.

He didn't.

You got this, Brick!

In life, if you do the right thing, the
universe has a way of rewarding you.

Except in this case.

It turns out Brick had never
played in front of a crowd,

and he was a giant choke artist.

[Light laughter]

[People groaning]

Sorry about that! My bad.

And Axl wasn't as healthy
as he thought he was.

[Cheers and applause]

I am the cornhole king!
Behold my giant spatula!

I will be a benevolent ruler who
shall cook all burgers medium-well!

[Laughter and applause]

Mike really did deserve
better from the universe.

But at least with us, the
universe is consistent.

Oh, my God.

Remember when we thought this
parking lot was big? Pbht!

[Laughter]

Sue, have you seen grandma?

Uh, no. Maybe Brick has.

She said she was coming to talk to you.

I-I'll just wait here.

No, Mom. Not here.

What is the big deal?

Look. You got a chair. I'm
not gonna bother anybody.

Hi, I'm Sue's Mom. Not
from the class of 2015.

I'm 2018. [Laughs] Kidding.

Uh, Mom, your tongue is blue.

Is it?

[Nasal] Oh, I guess it is a little bit.

[Chuckles]

Oh, I know.

Let's go see if we remember
our old locker combinations.

Oh, my God. I embarrassed my daughter.

I guess one woman's blue tongue
is another's paper towels.

It's the circle of embarrassment.

After that, Sue avoided me
the whole rest of the day.

But at least she made it to the
big game perfectly healthy.

Crap. So close.

What, is she pecking?

That's not pecking. That's puking.

Oh, I cannot get this
on YouTube fast enough.

I got it. Grandma's here!

Turned out it was good
my Mom was there.

Because sure, there's no doubt
your parents can embarrass you,

but they're also the only ones

who will hold your hair back
when you're throwing up.

I'm sorry for everything I said.
I'm a horrible daughter.

No, you're not. You're wonderful.

We're gonna get you through this.

Your Dad is driving down right now.

He's gonna stop at Costco, get you
more saltines and ginger ale.

We'll settle up later.