The Middle (2009–2018): Season 7, Episode 6 - Halloween VI: Tick Tock Death - full transcript

[Bats squeak]

I can't live like this anymore!

Brick: [Imitating Rod
Serling] Meet Frankie Heck...

a normal housewife in a normal town
in the normal state of Indiana.

But on this Halloween,
she's about to find out

that things are anything but normal.

Okay, Brick, we get it.

You're Rod Serling from
"The Twilight Zone."

[Normal voice] Not even close. I'm
Rod Serling from "Night Gallery"...

less popular, but in my
opinion, more nuanced.

Well, whoever you are,
be him somewhere else.



- Set, Hut!
- Coming in hot!

Oh! Hup.

Ooh!

Oh, hey, Mrs. Heck,
we're out of Doritos.

Oh, and, uh, Hutch I got to leave early
tomorrow morning to go to practice.

Don't worry. We'll be home for dinner.
[Chuckles]

But, uh, Kenny's gonna be
stuck here without a car,

so you might have to give him
a lift up to his classes.

[Stomps]

Ha ha!

Hut, hut, hut.

[Clears throat]

[Grunts]

We got to do something about this.



- About what?
- Uh, this, Mike.

Look at this place.

I am tired of being the den
mother of Phi Piggy Piggy.

Hmm. I guess it's not
bugging me so much.

Of course it's not bugging you.

You're yucking it up with
the boys in the sports bar

formerly known as my family room.

This is not fair. Imagine if there were
three college girls living in here.

- Give me a sec.
- [Sighs]

Got it. Go.

What are we supposed to do?

They got evicted from their house.
They got no place to go.

I mean, obviously I'm fine
with my own kid living here...

but these guys are eating
us out of house and home.

And this morning, I spent
10 minutes with a broom,

trying to shoo something out of the bathtub
until I realized it was a hair ball.

All right.

Well, if it's really bothering
you, you should talk to them.

Me? Why do I have to be the
one to do the talking?

I don't want to be the big,
mean mom killing all their fun.

- This has to come from the two of us.
- Fine. Okay. I'll take care of it.

Axl, hey, listen, uh, we got to talk
about the current housing situation.

Your Mom thinks it's time
for you guys to leave.

- Mike!
- What?

"Your Mom thinks"?

I don't need an interpreter.
I could've done that myself.

Your Dad thinks, too, Axl.

What your Dad called you in here
to tell you is what we both think.

[Sighs]

Well, you're really the
one with the issue.

It's not my issue. We
both have the issue.

It's both of our issue
that you were supposed

to express to our son on
behalf of both of us.

- Sorry. It's not just her.
- [Sighs]

We are both in agreement that things
have hit a breaking point for your Mom.

Relax.

So, you know, Hutch and I are totally
focused on finding a new place.

I mean, there might be a little overlap

where Kenny has to bunk with you guys for
a couple months, but, you know, trust me.

I'm on it.

[Clicks tongue]

[Crowd cheering on TV]

What? He said he's on it.

Oh, Axl's on it. I feel so much better.

Boo!

- Sue?
- Surprise!

What are you doing here? Oh,
I've missed you so much.

Oh, so are you staying over?
Please stay over.

Oh, wait. It's your first
college Halloween.

You've probably got
parties to get back to.

Actually, I tried to plan this
non-drinking Halloween bash,

but since the only names
on the sign-up sheet were

"yeah, right," and "nerd,"

I decided to ride out the
night with you guys.

Oh, honey. This is
gonna be so much fun.

Hey, why don't we put the fire pit
in the driveway and hand out candy?

I heard Kelly ripa said she did
that with her daughter once,

and I always wanted us to
do it, but then I forgot.

- Yeah!
- [Laughs]

[Applause]

Axl: Whoo!

- Come on, Ref!
- Aw, Ref!

All right, listen, since Sue came home,

she and I are gonna do the
Kelly ripa-fire-pit thing

you boys thought was dumb.

Wait. Sue is staying here tonight?
Did she clear that with anybody?

She doesn't have to clear it with anybody.
She lives here.

I'm just saying. It's a slippery slope.

Good luck getting Kenny out of her bed.
It's like wrestling an alligator.

Anyway, I am going to need you, Mike,
to take Brick trick-or-treating.

Aw, come on. Kenny got
us the football package.

Aren't you getting a little old
for trick-or-treating, anyway?

Actually, I'm just going to get candy
for Cindy. She gave me a whole list.

Most of it's name brand, and she
won't accept anything fun size,

so you're gonna have to
drive me to Orson Heights.

[Groans]

I'm watching three TVs here, Frankie.
I'm like Elvis.

[Scoffs]

You know, if things had gone
down differently in the kitchen,

we might've been able
to work something out.

Yeah, you knew I was
gonna get back at you.

You just didn't think it
would happen this quick.

It's cool. Kenny can
record the games for you.

Can't you, Kenny?

- Thanks, Kenny!
- Yeah. Thanks, Kenny.

[Knock on door]

Ooh, trick-or-treaters already.

Oh, Rita. [Chuckles]

Hey, everybody, it's Rita Glossner.
Hi, Rita.

- You seen my boy?
- Which one?

- What are you saying?
- Just that you have more than one boy.

Yeah, I know that. I don't
need you judging me.

No, a-all I meant was...

Last I see him, he was
digging around in your yard.

You got to stop planting
things he wants.

Like our mailbox? [Laughs]

[Clears throat]

So, where was the last place
you saw the little guy?

Why you asking so many questions?

- I'm just trying to help.
- I don't need your handouts.

- Okay. I think I'll go back inside now.
- Yeah. You do that.

You just keep looking down at the
rest of us from your ivory tower.

[Mailbox scraping]

Where the hell have you been?!

None of your damn business!
Here's your stupid maxi pads.

[Scraping continues]

Okeydoke.

Well, all's well that
ends well, I guess.

[Chuckles] Happy Halloween.

I'm taking this pumpkin.

You don't need both, one percenter.

♪♪

Have fun, you two.
Take lots of pictures.

[Vehicle departs]

Candy.

[Sighs]

[Skateboards depart]

Well, this is depressing.

I know!

Where all the princesses and puppy
dogs and flower-pot babies?

Yeah, we're just getting the
gross, pimply teenagers

with the meaty hands,
going, "gimme, gimme."

You know, that's why I don't
buy name-brand candy anymore.

- You never brought name-brand candy.
- Yeah, but now I'm justified.

I'll tell you whose fault this is.
The Glossners.

They've been terrorizing this
neighborhood for so long,

they've scared away all the
good trick-or-treaters.

Rita lets those kids run wild.

They egg people's
houses, smash pumpkins.

They call me Mrs. Dreck.

No wonder nobody wants to bring
their adorable kids here.

[Sighs] I guess this neighborhood is
just not considered classy anymore.

[Sighs] It's so true, Sue. So true.

Stupid Glossners.

Somebody should really
get them someday.

Somebody should give them a
taste of their own medicine.

You mean like writing a strongly
worded anonymous letter to the editor?

No, I'm talking about really giving
them a taste of their own medicine...

doing to them what they
do to other people.

[Sighs]

- You're not...
- Not unless you are.

- Only if you are.
- Oh, I am.

I'm not sure what we're talking about, but
the way we're saying it sounds like fun.

[Both laugh]

[Muffled squeal]

Shh, shh, shh!

I cannot believe we are doing this. I
am so nervous, I think I'm gonna pee.

Oh, well, you'll have to hold
it, 'cause it is on, baby.

- This thing is on.
- [Muffled squeal]

All right, Sue, let's
light this candle.

On three. Mm-hmm.

One... [Whoosh]

Ooh!

[Both laughing]

♪♪

Ooh, I got another one!

[Both laughing]

♪♪

[Thunder crashing]

[Roars]

[Panting]

Yeah, you better run!

I'm coming for you, Rita Glossner!

You're crazy!

Yeah, crazy enough not
to take it anymore.

You just leave me alone!

Yeah, like you left us alone
all those years, huh?

Huh, Rita? Huh?

Hey, Mom, I think we made our point.
Let's just go home.

Shut it, Sue, or I'll
take you out, too!

- [Owl hooting]
- [Panting]

♪♪

[Animal calls in distance]

[Panting]

- [Screams]
- [Thunder crashes]

Aaaah!

You're nuts, lady!

Aaah! Oh!

What's the matter, Rita?
Are you scared?

Am I scaring you, huh? Huh?! Well,
now you know what it's like.

Aah! Aaah!

I-I don't know what I did to you.
Please don't hurt me.

Was it 'cause I took your pumpkin?
'Cause I can give it back.

My... my boys drew some penises on
it, but they'll wash right off.

- Mom! Mom, stop!
- Get out of here, Sue.

If you're too much of a wuss,

maybe you should go back to college
with all the other wusses.

I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry.

[Breathing heavily]
All's I got is boys.

You don't know what it's like being the
only woman in a house full of boys.

They... they don't listen.
They don't think.

I-I can't control them.
They're like animals.

No. I do know what it's like.

I know what a house full
of boys can do to a woman.

[Sighs]

I'm... I'm so sorry.

Aah! Don't touch me! You are a monster!

- No, no!
- Help! Help! She's a monster!

I-I-I... I'm not a monster.
I'm not. I'm really not.

[Echoing] I am not a monster!

Brick: [Imitating Rod Serling]
Under the light of a full moon,

a midwest housewife undergoes
a frightening transformation,

and the monster becomes the monstee.

Or are we all just one egg
away from being a Glossner?

[Eerie music plays]

[Imitating Rod Serling]
Three little pigs,

their house destroyed, now
running from home to home.

Will they ever find what
they're looking for?

[Chuckles]

Hey, should we be looking
for a new place?

Mm, let's see.

We're packing away money, eating
free good, getting our laundry done.

Stop me when something
doesn't sound awesome.

Oh, no, it's a sweet deal, all right.

I just wasn't sure if your Mom
was cool with us staying here.

Eh.

She complains every once in a
while, but secretly, she's happy.

Mm.

See, Hutch, mothers need to mother.

That's what they're put on earth
for, like a lion that needs to hunt

or a squirrel that needs
to water-ski on YouTube.

Trust me, we are giving
her a sense of purpose.

- She loves to take care of people.
- It was hard taking care of ourselves.

Yep. Clearly, we were
not very good at it.

I think it's best for everyone if
we just stay here for a while.

Plus, I've never seen Kenny so happy.

- [Both chuckle]
- [Doorbell ringing]

[Groans]

[Wind rushing]

Ooh. [Chuckles]

Sorry. I don't have any candy.

Go see the people at the
end of the driveway.

They're dressed as an
old lady and a dork.

So...

Oh, guess they left. [Sighs] Well,
better luck at the next house.

[Chuckles]

Look. I don't have any candy,
so just hit the bricks, dude.

God!

Man can't relax at his
parents' house anymore.

[Chuckles]

Oh! [Thunder crashing]

Hey!

I said we don't have any candy.
Go to the Donahues'.

They got candy corn
and root-beer floats!

♪♪

Axl, hey, can you come
here for a second?

Ah, you just got to jiggle the faucet.
Nothing ever works in this house.

I'm thinking about filling
out a comment card.

Uh... It's not the faucet. There's
something in your backyard.

- [Thunder crashes]
- Oh! Damn it!

It's that stupid trick-or-treater.

Or maybe... It's the real grim reaper.

It is not the real grim reaper.
I'll handle this.

Get off my lawn!

God! What is it with this guy?
He's just standing there like...

- Like the real grim reaper?
- It is not the real grim reaper.

It's Halloween. Obviously,
it's a costume.

If it were any other night,
it could be the real one.

Or it's the perfect night
for him to go out,

'cause no one would suspect that
he's the actual Angel of Death!

- [Thunder crashes]
- [Both scream]

Damn, I wish I was back in Chicago.

See, everybody thinks
big cities are scary,

but all the really messed-up
stuff happens in the country.

D-did he just come closer?

[Thunder crashes]

Is he staring at us?

I don't know. I can't see his face.

Does he even have a face?!

♪♪

Let's just grab a pop
and watch the games.

Yeah. Pop's in the basement.

Uh... Aren't you gonna
come down there with me?

Why? You don't want to
go down there alone?

[Thunder crashes]

You want to stay up here alone?

All right, here you go.

We keep the refrigerator at
80 degrees to save money,

so it might not be as
refreshing as you'd like.

So, uh, I guess we should...
go back upstairs?

Or we could stay down
here and enjoy our pop.

[Sighs]

- Ahh.
- Ahh.

So, what's with the blade on a stick?
That's a terrible way to die.

Oh, there's worse ways to go than that.

All I know is I don't want my obituary

to include the sentence,
"they found most of him."

Or, "found behind a wall in a
clown's house." That'd be bad, too.

[Shudders]

Okay, can we just stop
talking about death?

Hey, you're the one who
started talking about

getting whacked to death
by the grim reaper.

[Thunder crashes] The grim
reaper doesn't kill you.

Ho-ly crap.

The reaper is a hooded skeleton with
no discernible facial features.

He doesn't kill people.

He comes to collect their souls,

which he pops with his scythe
before he escorts them to death.

Also, when I put my name on something
in the fridge, that means it's mine.

What do you mean "he escorts people"?

Is, like, the grim reaper
an Uber driver for death?

Guess the only question is, whose
soul is he here to collect?

Well, I would say it's
Axl's since he lives here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, I do not live here.
I live at college.

Plus, you guys live here
just as much as I do.

[Thunder crashes]

[Gasps] Unless we don't.

[Screaming indistinctly]

Brick: [Imitating Rod Serling]
Three men who wanted...

Go, go, go! Go, go!

...all the comforts of home with
none of the responsibility.

Can you be fed, nurtured, and paid
for like a child and still be a man?

Aah!

That's a question that shall be pondered
whee, whee, whee, all the way home.

[Laughs maniacally]

[Imitating Rod Serling] An
ordinary boy in Anytown, USA,

a place where people dress up and
knock on doors, asking for candy.

Brick! Just say, "trick-or-treat."
Nobody knows who you are.

Oh, I get it. You're Rod Serling
from "The Twilight Zone."

[Normal voice] No, I'm Rod
Serling from "Night..."

[Sighs] Yes, "Twilight Zone."

- Girl: Trick-or-treat!
- Thank you.

Children: Trick-or-treat!

Let's see.

Bingo!

You nailed the Mars Bar.

Got a Milky Way, an Almond Joy,
the ever-elusive Charleston Chew.

I think you got everything on Cindy's list.
I think we can just pack it in and...

♪♪

Oh.

Are you Rod Serling
from "Night Gallery"?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Let me get you a treat.

[Thunder crashes]

Happy Halloween.

Mm.

[Door creaks]

Where were you?

[Sighs] Dad, there's a painting in
this house that looks exactly like me.

Look, I know it sounds weird, but you have
to see it. You have to come back with me.

Look, I'm trying not to find out the
scores of three football games.

And every second I spend out here

is another second I risk
somebody telling me who won.

Imagine you had three books you
didn't know the endings to,

then you're out in a place where a
lot of people know the endings.

I don't understand. If I had
three books, why would I go out?

Exactly.

Please, Dad. I'm not kidding.
It looked exactly like me.

Fine. We'll look at
the creepy painting.

Well, I didn't say it was creepy.
I said it was me.

[Doorbell rings]

Hi. Sorry to bother you.

My son thinks you have a painting that
looks like him, and he wants me to see it.

Oh, uh, this painting?

It's "Daniel Crommelin Verplanck"
by John Singleton Copley.

I-I saw it at the MET, and I
bought a copy at the gift shop,

'cause it reminded me of my
husband when he was a boy.

Whoa, Brick, that really
does look a lot like you.

Mm.

Oh, I guess it does. [Chuckles]

Wow. Is that a library?

Well, yes, that's our downstairs library.
We also have one upstairs.

[Chuckling] Oh, God. My
husband and his books.

He was right in the middle of one, but, uh,
he ran out of time, and so now he's gone.

I'm sorry to hear that.
Well, good night.

Just before he went, he said to me,

"Cynthia, there's never
gonna be enough time

to read everything I want to read."

Wait a minute. So you're telling me
that you married a man who loves books,

he looks just like the boy in the
painting, and your name is Cynthia?

Oh, yes, but everyone calls me Cindy.

[Thunder crashes]

[Door creaks]

I'm a time traveler!

Great. Your next journey
is back to our couch.

Don't you understand the enormity
of what's going on here?

You don't have to worry
about me anymore.

I turn out fine.

I've got an amazing house in Orson
Heights with not one but two libraries.

I marry my smoking-hot middle-school
girlfriend, and I died reading a boo...

- What's the holdup?
- "What's the holdup?"

You mean, other than I just
found out future Brick is dead?

[Sighs]

I got to go back there.

[Groans]

[Sighs]

I'm sorry to bother you, but I
really need to know something.

How old was your husband when he died?

Oh, my husband's not dead.

When I said he was gone, I meant
he's at a conference in Sweden.

He's the world's foremost
authority on fonts.

I am? I mean, he is?!

Thanks very much. Glad
your husband's not dead.

Uh, h-hold on. I have to
ask you one more thing.

Have you and your husband ever done it?

Well, we do have four
beautiful children.

[Door creaks]

Yes! Yes!

Did you hear that, Dad? Four times.

That's one more than you and Mom.

Congratulations, Brick. Future
you is quite the ladies' man.

Thanks for taking me tonight, Dad.

Drink it in, 'cause this is the last
time I'm taking you trick-or-treating.

You never know. Next year,
I might be younger.

[Chuckles]

Don't make too much out of
what happened tonight, Brick.

There's a lot of weird
coincidences in the world.

You can't overthink it.

[Wind gusting]

Brick: [Imitating Rod Serling] A
father and a son on Halloween night...

- [Thunder crashes]
- ...One determined not to see the future,

one destined to know it.

Was it time travel or just
the fevered imaginings

of a boy hopped up on too much candy?

Orson, Indiana... a sleepy, little
town where ordinary rules the day,

or a dimension where death
lurks in the shadows?

[Gasps]

Hi, Brick.

I've been waiting here all night.
Do you have my candy?

Mm-hmm.

Good. It's all there.

Well, see you tomorrow.

♪♪

That's a question that can only
be answered in The Twilight Zone.

Brick, seriously. Halloween was five
days ago. You got to let this go.

I know. I want to. It's just such
a nice way to frame our stories.