The Middle (2009–2018): Season 7, Episode 5 - Land of the Lost - full transcript

[Crow caws]

Frankie: Out here in the middle,
we run on hope.

We hope for a mild winter.

We hope George Clooney will
stop making serious movies

and do a nice romantic comedy.

And sometimes we do
something so crazy,

it can only have
been fueled by hope.

I bought name-brand peas.

I know it's a splurge, Mike,
but they're not regular peas.

- They're hope peas.
- Hope peas?

Yep, it's a sign of my
faith in our future.



Ever since you and Rusty went
into this diaper thing together,

I just feel like things could
be turning around for us.

Who knows?

If things go well, we could be the King
and Queen of novelty baby products.

Well, let's not get ahead
of ourselves, Your Majesty.

[Sighs] Wait.

Don't tell me things
are not going well,

'cause I also got takeout,
and I super-sized the fries.

I'm spending like
a drunken sailor.

Well, it's going fine.

The store called
Rusty this morning,

and, uh, the things are selling.

They think they might
make a second order.

[Sighs] Okay, this is weird.



Everything you're
saying sounds good,

but your face doesn't
match your words.

How's this?

Eh, go back to the old face.

[Computer chimes]

Hello, parentals.
What's the haps?

Hi, honey. Nothing much.
We were just...

Yeah, sorry,
I only have a minute,

and I actually just
called to talk to Brick.

Are those name-brand peas?

Brick,
your sister's on the thing.

Okay, yes,
I did borrow that book

that Mom gave you
when you turned 13,

but I just had a few questions
that needed clarifying.

- You what?
- Nothing! How's college?

Well, how would you like
to find out for yourself?

Because you are getting
an all-expense-paid trip

to East Indiana State!

Ahh! It's not actually
all-expense-paid.

I'm gonna need money
for his food, Mom.

Hmm.

Well, Cindy's parents
are making her try out

for volleyball this weekend,
so I'm free.

Yay! We can go out for pizza.

You can see where my classes are,
meet my R.A..

But just so you know, Brick, there are
all types of people here at college,

so you might hear some
music with explicit lyrics.

Uh, hello?

I didn't hear the word
"library" in there.

Yeah, that's because I was
saving the best for last.

They have a library here,
Brick, with 52,000 books.

You can request a book,

and they will actually send
it down to you in an elevator.

It's a book elevator!

A book elevator?

Hold on. I need a minute.
I'm a little dizzy.

[Door opens]

- Hey. What you doing?
- Nothing.

Why don't you turn something on?
It's weird.

Are you okay?

You seem like you're in
kind of a strange mood.

It'll pass.

♪♪

[Chuckles]

Uh, Brick,
I don't think you're gonna need

your branch of real cotton
on your weekend with Sue.

Eh, I've still got a
few days to decide.

I'll put it in the "maybe" pile.

Hey, let me ask you something.

Does your Dad seem to be
acting a little... Odd lately?

[Rattling]

Never mind.
I'm asking the wrong guy.

Okay, so, you're gonna want to
hang tight to your Brick-tinerary.

If we want to see everything, we are
gonna have to stick to schedule.

As long as I get to see the
book elevator, I'm good.

Now, what kind of line are
we looking at for that?

- An hour? Two?
- Uh, I think we'll be fine.

I have also got a loose
verbal commitment from Axl

- to meet us for pizza later.
- Mm!

But we're keeping it flex.

See, Brick, that's the kind of
thing people say at college.

Holy crap! Is that Logan?

[Gasps]

Who's Logan?

Logan!

The Abercrombie guy
who asked me to prom,

and then we had that magical night
after I got sprayed with cheese.

Does not ring a bell.

I can't tell if it's him. Is it him?
Brick, go see if it's him.

I've never met him. How do
I know what he looks like?

He's dreamy. He's got washboard abs.
You get lost in his eyes.

Oh, yeah. That's him.

Ugh, what is he doing here?

I mean, yeah,
we had a great time at prom,

but then he went to
Texas for the Summer,

and I texted him,
but he never texted me back,

which could be explained
by bad cell service,

'cause I don't know what the
service is like in Texas.

[Chuckles]

Oh, well.
Let's go to the library.

Wait, wait, wait, Brick, Brick.

What am I supposed to say to him?
I am drawing a total blank.

Will you please just come with me until
you see that it's going well between us?

Fine.

[Gasps] Oh!
Okay, they're leaving.

Uh, um,
how do I get his attention?

What's a fun, caszh way
to get him to notice me?

Every time I practiced this in my
mind, we were at a market in Paris,

and we both reached
for the same baguette.

[Gasps] Maybe they're
going to the cafeteria.

I can follow him.

Ah!

Sue!
Is that you?

Logan? [Chuckles]

Wow, what are you doing here?

I, uh...
I road-tripped down from Purdue

'cause, uh, my buddy's
playing in the soccer game.

Oh, big college road trip.
That's exciting.

Yeah.

Uh, wow,
I haven't seen you since prom.

Yeah.

- I like your haircut.
- Yeah?

Thank you. [Chuckles]

Was that 'cause of the cheese?

[Laughs] No.
The cheese came out fine.

I burned it off with a
garage-sale curling iron.

Ah.

[Both laugh]

Excuse me, Logan.
Would you say this is going well?

Brick!

Perhaps you would like to go on ahead to
the library, and I will meet you there.

It's going well.

[Sighs]

[Both chuckle]

Uh, I remembered you said
you were going to East Indy.

I was hoping I'd run into you.

[Chuckles]

I would have called,
but after I gave you my number

and didn't hear from you,
I thought, you know,

"she doesn't want
to talk to me."

What? No. No. No, no, no.
I swear I texted you.

I wrote, "howdy, pardner.
How's Texas?"

And then didn't
hear anything back.

- What? What number did you have?
- 812-555-0122.

I think. [Chuckles]

- Ah, no, you were one number off.
- So you weren't ignoring me.

I thought it was the "howdy,
pardner" that threw you.

I was debating whether to
put that or, "hey, y'all,"

- and I put the h...
- Logan, let's go.

Uh...

You know what? Uh, if you're
not doing anything later,

maybe we could grab dinner
or something before...

Yes!

[Chuckles] Yeah. Yeah, I'm...
Yeah. I mean, sure.

Cool. [Chuckles]

Whatevs. I'm flex.

All right.
Uh, meet you here, say 5:00?

I promise I won't take you
anywhere with potatoes.

[Chuckles]

Lates!

♪♪

[Sighs]

Hey. There's my guy.

I've been waiting
for you to get home.

How about taking this biker
babe on a little ride?

- No, thanks.
- Oh, come on.

I mean, I admit, when you
first brought the bike home,

I wasn't so sure, but I think
it could be a lot of fun.

Besides, you haven't even
taken me out once yet.

Eh, it's running a little rough.
Might need a tune-up.

All right.

Hey, how about a little
hoop ball instead, huh?

Yeah, that's right.
Let's go, shorty.

Loser defrosts dinner, huh?

Think you can stop me?
You think you can stop me?

I don't think so. Whoo!

Seriously, Mike,
what is up with you?

It'll pass.

Well, I tried.

He said it would pass.

Maybe I just needed
to let it pass.

Apparently, ferrets like to eat couches
more than they like to eat ants,

so Axl and hutch
had to improvise.

I am telling you,
this hammock thing is awesome.

Couches are so last year.
My Mom sits on a couch.

I'm not a fan.
I had a lady over last night,

trying to make the
hammock-to-hammock transfer,

and I ended up on the floor with a
face full of ants, and she bolted.

So what you're saying is you
basically had a woman in a net,

and you let her get away.

These stupid ants are
ruining our lives!

Well, it's not our fault.
It's the landlords'.

How many times have we
complained to Derek and Andy

about this dump,
and nothing's been done?!

There's gaps in the floors!

The back door doesn't close all the way.
That's how the ferret escaped.

I can't even sleep upstairs
with that leaky pipe,

and the drips don't
even happen evenly.

They're like, "bloop...

Bloop-bloop, bloop-bloop!"

There's no rhythm to it.

How am I supposed
to sleep to that?

Well, it's gonna stop.

We pay rent. We have rights.

It's time we stopped complaining
like a bunch of little boys

and start demanding some
changes around here!

We are not gonna get treated like
men until we start acting like men!

You're damn right.
I say we man up right now.

What are you doing?

I'm writing a letter
to our landlords

telling them everything that's
wrong with this place...

On my Dad's stationery.

No one likes to get yelled
at by a dermatologist.

A letter?
What is this, "Downtown Abbey"?

That's not being a man.
Being a man is calling.

We're not gonna put
some letter in the mail

and wait days for a response.

No, we are men!
Men demand immediate results.

I like results.

Yeah, and you know we're not
getting any from Derek and Andy.

You know what?
They had their chance.

Forget them.
We're going over their heads.

We're gonna call the
city and report them

'cause that's what men do.

I like being a man.
I feel so powerful!

[Ringing]

Woman: You have reached

the city of Gumford
housing complaint line.

Please hold.
Your call is important to us.

[Muzak plays]

Oh! Don't lose that anger.

Dance mad,
even though we like this song.

♪♪

So it may not have been baguettes
in Paris, but Sue had a date.

That settled, she floated to the
designated spot in front of the library

to meet Brick.

Brick?

Brick?

Brick?

Bri-i-i-i-i-i-ck!

[Knock on door]

Welcome! Come in. Come in.

Um, we don't have any more
buckets or milk crates,

so you might have to
walk on some ants.

Are you the guys who registered
a complaint with the city?

Yes, we are the men who
registered said complaint, yes.

Thank you for coming
out so expeditiously.

We were very impressed
with your response.

Indeed.

We have a lot of complaints.
Hutch, the list.

I'm not with the city.

The city called me
because I'm the landlord.

I'm from KHB
property management.

We rented this house to Derek
and Andy five years ago,

and from the look of things,

it would seem they've been
illegally subletting to you.

Look, I don't know what
you're implying here,

but we have complete
authority to live here.

We've been putting $550
under a rock every month

for like... Over a year.

First of all, the rent is $400.

Oh! Derek and Andy, not cool!

And under the
terms of the lease,

we have the right to evict any and
all tenants effective immediately.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Come on, man.
You can't kick us out.

- We're just little kids.
- Little kids, man.

Take the blocks off. Show him how
little we are. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look at how little we are.

Check this out.
You're not even gonna believe it.

It'll blow your mind.

♪♪

Oh!

I am so sorry I am late, but
you're not gonna believe this.

- Are you ready to go to dinner?
- Sure.

No! Oh, wait. I'm sorry.

I want to, but I can't
'cause I lost my little brother.

You don't understand.
He wanders.

He's a wanderer.

And if he's wandering
and reading, then...

Sue, Sue, look at me.
It's gonna be okay.

You and I will walk this whole campus if
we have to, but we are gonna find him.

- Who?
- Your brother.

Right, right.
Right, right, right.

You know, actually, let's walk this
way 'cause more people will see us.

- Are the Colts not playing?
- Yeah, they are.

- You're not watching?
- Nah. I don't feel like it.

All right, when Mike stops watching the
Colts, something is seriously wrong.

I needed professional help.

Well, hello, there,
Frankie Heck.

- [Door closes]
- Frankie: Hey, Mike.

Look who's here...
Reverend Timtom.

Hey, why don't you entertain
him while I go look

for the stuff to donate
to the church rummage sale

that he drove all
the way here to get?

- So, how's it going, Mike?
- Ah, it goes.

Well,
I'm glad to hear it's going.

Me? I'm going, too.

Been at a charity car
wash all weekend...

Suds for the Savior.

Biggest car wash in
the history of Iowa.

Even baptized a couple
of kids in a soap bucket.

That's great. Good for them.

So... No problems?
Life treating you okay?

Yep. A-okay.

Frankie: Reverend Timtom?

Hey, could I just
see you for a second?

Oh.

Look, I should have told you this
before, but you can't go right at him.

He's like an animal
you're trying to catch.

If he senses you coming,
he's gone.

You got to go around and
sneak up on the problem.

But you understand,
as a man of the cloth,

if he asks me why I'm really here,
I've got to tell him the truth.

- What? Why?
- Well, lying is a sin.

Is it though? I don't really
think all sins are the same.

I mean, lying certainly isn't as big of a
sin as, say... I don't know... murder.

- Well, I-I guess you're right.
- I know I'm right.

Now, go out there and
knock my socks off.

And remember, go around.

♪♪

Oh, my God.
There's 10 different floors.

Sue, Sue, look in my eyes.

It's okay.

What is?

Right. Brick.

Yeah. Brick.

[Sighs]

Maybe we should split up.

[Sighs] Of course we should.

You're a shirtless God,
and I am a lowly potato girl.

I-I meant split up and,
you know, look for your brother.

Got it!
That's what I meant, too.

[Chuckles]

No.

Brick?

Brick?

Brick?!

Brick?

[Chuckles]

[Sighs] Brick! Where were you?

Well,
you said go to the library,

but on the campus
map you gave me,

there were 12 libraries,
so I just went

and stood in front of each
one for a little while.

Also, I got a burrito.

Wait, why were you outside?

Well, they wouldn't let me
in without a student I.D..

I didn't even get a chance
to read a single book.

- Why didn't you call me?
- You left your phone at home.

Oh! Right.

I took it out
'cause I needed room

for my statue of a cowboy
made out of bent forks.

Okay, Brick, do you have any idea
what could have happened to you?

You scared me and
Logan half to death!

[Gasps] Logan!

Stay!

[Door closes]

Logan! I found him!

Logan!

Logan?

Logan?

Logan?

So...
How about those Colts, huh?

[Chuckles] Didn't
watch them today.

Well, now, that's interesting.

I thought everybody around
here watched the Colts.

Someone must have a pretty good
reason to not watch the Colts.

- Nothing I want to talk about.
- Got it.

Say,
you ever drive down route 42?

You know, the one with all
the corn and that green barn?

I love that drive.

Reverend Timtom, can I get
another quick consult over here?

[Sighs]

Look,
I don't know where you're going

with this route 42 stuff,
but you're dying out there.

I mean, green barn?

That is not exactly
your best work.

Mike can see it a mile away.

Oh, I'm sorry.

W-what exactly would
you like me to say?

Well [Scoffs] I'm not gonna
spoon-feed you the words.

You're the expert.

All I know is I can't afford a real
therapist, so I really need you to fix him.

Okay, I don't mean to be
a fly in the holy water,

but you're kind of
getting in my head here.

You know, I'm not used to
getting all these notes.

I-I usually operate with
one shepherd guiding me,

and that's the big guy upstairs.

Yeah, and if that were working,
that would be great,

but in the meantime,
I need you to kick it up a notch.

We're not dealing with
some eighth grader

who didn't get asked on a
date to the roller rink.

We got a seven-foot
wall of pain out there.

Now get back in and give me your
"A" game!

[Sighs]

[Ukulele playing]

I hope you don't mind.

I haven't picked one of these up
since the Lord's luau for leprosy.

I saw it lying there and
thought I'd play a little.

♪ Oh, Jesus never got to
have no midlife crisis ♪

♪ No sports car, hair plugs,
young blonde wiveses ♪

♪ Never traded his robes
for tight jeans one day ♪

♪ He never quit his job
to go write a screenplay ♪

♪ Oh, Jesus never got to
have no midlife crisis ♪

♪ No tattoos, veneers,
Botox around the eyeses ♪

♪ He never showed up with
his hair and beard dyed ♪

♪ Never got the chance
'cause at only 33 ♪

♪ He was crucified ♪

♪ Oh, Jesus never... ♪

Look,
I-I-I appreciate the effort,

and I get you had to drive over here
and everything, but this is not...

It's just not.

Good luck with the rummage sale.

[Sighs] Look, you were great.
Just a little off tonight.

I mean, Mike's tough.
It was a hard one.

I just think if I had my guitar,
I could have done it.

The gravity of the message...

It doesn't [Strums note]
come across on the ukulele.

Can I come back tomorrow
and take another crack?

Nope, nope, nope, nope.
It's done.

We had a window,
and we just didn't hit it.

But, uh, don't worry.
I'll use you again.

Have a good night.

♪♪

[Sighs]

Really, Frankie? The roving rev?

Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't know what else to do.

I mean, all you do is walk around
here, staring out windows.

You know, a regular-size person
radiates about this much mopey.

But you're big, so you make this big
mope cloud that just covers everything.

I told you. I just need a little time.
It'll pass.

Will it, Mike? Will it pass?

'Cause you've been saying it'll pass,
and guess what... It's still here.

Okay.

You really want to
know what's bugging me?

[Sighs] Yes! Have I not made
myself clear until now?

Fine.
You're turning 50.

- Wait, what?
- Yeah, I know.

It's just... I don't know.
It's just bugging me.

You're bugged that
I'm turning 50?

Your birthday's coming up,
and suddenly, it just hit me...

I'm gonna be married
to a 50-year-old woman.

Oh, my God. Seriously?
You turned 50 over a year ago.

Yeah,
it didn't bug me the same way.

Really, Mike? Really? You're
stealing my midlife crisis.

So, what,
you want to have an affair? Hmm?

You want a new wife now?
Is that it?

No. You're... Fine.

But this isn't about you.
This is about us getting old.

Hell,
I read that Fonzie is turning 70.

What kind of world do we
live in where the Fonz is 70?

Okay, I...

I guess I'm just
kind of surprised

'cause you don't usually have these type
of feelings, or any feelings, really.

You think I don't know that? I'm pissed
at myself. I'm a stupid clichã©.

I feel like I'm one
of Sue's posters.

Okay,
you're kind of scaring me now.

You know, it's like when you get turbulence
and the flight attendant sits down

and you know it's time to panic.

You're my flight attendant. So stand
up and get the beverage cart moving.

I will.

I told you it'll pass, but you keep prying
and sending reverends with ukuleles.

I told him to go around.

Look,
this isn't that big a deal.

I-I-I just... lately,
I've been feeling...

I don't know.

In my life, I always know
what the next thing is,

and I just do the next
thing and the next thing.

And now with the kids off at
school and the house half empty,

I don't know what
the next thing is.

And then when I think about it, and...
All I could come up with is death.

[Sighs]

Well, maybe we should be like
those bone-density people.

You know,
the ones in the commercial?

They take the
bone-density stuff,

and then their bones are strong and
they end up living an active lifestyle,

you know,
refurbishing furniture together,

walking through the
woods with big visors on.

♪♪

[Door closes]

That was a miserable weekend.

I was at 12 libraries,

and I didn't get a chance
to read a single book.

Do you know what that's
like for a person like me?

Yeah, it's kind of like
not getting to kiss Logan.

- [Door closes]
- I was this close!

Now, before you freak out, we
don't want to be here, either.

Apparently, Derek and Andy were not the
badass landlords we thought they were.

Our real landlord is some
dingus named Mr. Callen

who red-tagged our
house and kicked us out.

- Hang on. You got evicted?
- Yeah.

Apparently, our house is deemed
"unfit for human habitation,"

but, I mean,
shouldn't that be our judgment?

Mom! Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom!

Okay, and the worst part is, what
if Logan thinks I ditched him?

He doesn't have my phone number,
and the number I have for him

is one number off,
but I don't know which one it is.

What am I supposed to do, just start dialing
numbers?

Anyway, we're gonna be crashing here for the
next couple of weeks till we figure it out.

- We're gonna crash here?
- I appreciate it, Mr. heck.

And I hate to be a burden,
but is there a way

we could set up a shower
schedule or something?

- [All talking]
- Turns out... All this life crap

is just one big
distraction from death.

But it's a pretty good one.

So that's why you got to keep
the hope peas on the shelf.

And for the love of God,
stay too busy to think.