The Middle (2009–2018): Season 7, Episode 4 - The Middle - full transcript

[Crow caws]

Frankie: The world has seen
some great homecomings...

Soldiers returning from war,
astronauts returning from space,

and Sue returning from
college after 17 days.

[Screams]

I'm home!

I missed you guys so much!

No one's ever been this excited
to come into this house.

[Chuckles] Hi, honey.

Oh! And Brick! Oh, I am
so happy to see you.

There's a girl in my playwriting club
who had a twin brother at birth



who was just this cluster of cells.

He was like a tennis ball
attached to her shoulder.

And she says ever since
they had it removed,

she feels like something is missing.

And it made me appreciate
how lucky I am to have you.

It's your turn to empty the dishwasher.

Oh!

Oh!

It is so much smaller than I remember.

- [Gasps] The sink, the window!
- Don't forget the dishwasher.

And the cabinet! Mm!

Remember how this one always
used to come off its hinge

and hit me in the head when I opened it?

Ohh!



[Gasps] You moved the toaster? I like it.

I call it my kitchen remodel.

- Hey, how's your roommate situation?
- Oh, much better.

I think Holly just
needed to get to know me.

Where are my doughnuts?

- What?
- My doughnuts.

When Axl came home for the first time,

- you had doughnuts for him.
- [Clears throat]

Aww. [Chuckles]

Ah.

Toaster's not there anymore.

[Chuckles]

That one is gonna take
some getting used to.

Oh.

I have been away for way too long. I just
need to come home sooner next time.

I don't think you could.

Okay, I am gonna go put my stuff away.

I have so much planned. I'm
gonna go see Brad, stop by Spudsy's.

But don't worry. I am still gonna
make plenty of time for family!

Oh, my God! My room! Why is the
old fax machine on my bed?

I'll move it!

Oh, and the dog's
sleeping in your closet now.

[Door opens, closes]

Where's our motorcycle?

Uh, if you mean my motorcycle that I just
bought for myself, it's in the garage.

I don't know where yours is.

- What does that mean?
- It means you're not riding it.

Wh... come on! That's bogus!

I was made to ride a bike.

This kid idolizes me.

You don't let me ride that motorcycle,
his whole universe falls apart.

- It's your turn to take out the garbage.
- This is ridiculous! I am an adult!

Mom, make him give me the keys!

Are you kidding me? I don't
even want your Dad riding it.

God forbid if something should
happen to him, I could get over it.

If something happened to you,
I would never get over it.

What? I said, "God forbid."

Give me one good reason you can
ride that motorcycle and I can't.

It's a dangerous piece of machinery,

I have more experience
than you, I'm smarter than you,

and I'm older than you,
so I'm closer to death.

And apparently, your Mom's okay with that.

Okay, so I just wait for you to die,

inherit the motorcycle,
then ride it to your funeral.

Sue: Axl! Oh, my God!

Oh, wait, I just saw you yesterday.

Since we're all here, now's a good
time to spin the chore chart.

Damn it.

Even unannounced, it's
always nice to have family home.

Well, sometimes.

So, Rusty, what brings you by?

Well, I suppose you're
wondering what brings me by.

- Yes, that's...
- I've got a business opportunity,

and I want to get my big
brother in on the ground floor.

Well, I appreciate you thinking
about me, Rusty,

but, uh, I didn't
really get your last idea.

Oh, pancake cup?

It was a coffee mug made out of pancakes.

When you finish drinking
it, you just ate the cup.

But Mike pointed out that
pancakes don't hold liquid

on account of they're made
mostly out of pancakes.

Fatal flaw.

[Door opens]

What's this?

I am riding the tube off the roof,
off of the mini trampoline, into the pool.

- What?
- Fun!

Turns out I do a lot of crazy
stuff and I never get hurt,

so I'm gonna do something super dangerous

to prove I'm responsible
enough to ride your motorcycle.

[Door opens]

So, uh, I want to let you in on this idea.

You know, it wouldn't feel right to be a
billionaire while you guys live like this.

- [Chuckles]
- [Chuckles]

Well, the thing is,
all our discretionary money

has recently gone to a motorcycle
and a possible upcoming hospital visit,

so it's probably not for us.

Well, what I'm looking for is, uh,
brainstorming help, and Mike's my man.

So...

[Sighs]

What color do you think
the private jet should be?

[Chuckles]

Rusty, disposable
diapers have been around awhile.

Wait for it.

I've seen stuff with logos on them.

Wait for it.

[Chuckles]

You see?

You root for your team on the outside and you
poop on your rival's team on the inside.

I call it Li'l Rivals.

And the best part is, you're teaching
your kids to hate early.

Okay, big man, the sooner you say no,

the sooner we have pie and
the sooner I watch "Wife Swap"

and have more pie.

- It's actually pretty clever.
- Huh?

- Are you sure no one's ever done that?
- Why is he asking questions?

- Rusty: I've never seen it.
- What's happening?

What about the ink
inside the diaper? Does it run?

I've tested it myself.
Let's leave it at that.

What I'm saying is I wore it.

I think you're on to something this
time, Rusty. It's a really solid idea.

Look at me. Look at me right
now. Look at me now!

[Axl screams]

I'll take those keys whenever you're ready!

♪♪

What are you doing?

I'm gonna shoot a tennis ball out of a
tailpipe into my sweet spot tomorrow.

Got to protect the twins.

Ah. Eh.

Got to be careful down there.
Got my gene pool to think about.

Got to balance out the circus freaks
you and Sue are gonna produce,

'cause even if you two do
marry non-circus freaks,

the circus-freak gene,
as you know, is dominant.

If the circus-freak gene
were dominant, you'd be one, also.

We come from the same parents.

Wow. Sounds like the
nerd gene is dominant, too.

Actually, if the nerd gene were dominant...

No one wants a science lesson now, Brick!

I don't get why you're going to all
this trouble for a motorcycle.

This is not just about the motorcycle.

This is about us having the right to do all
the things Mom and Dad don't let us do.

I am paving the way for future freedoms.

I did not sit through the
first five minutes of "Selma"

when I meant to see
"Horrible Bosses 2" for nothing.

Would Oprah have signed on to play Selma
if it wasn't a character she thought spoke

for something she believed in?

If I can't take a shot to the junk for
something I believe in, why am I even here?

I've lost the thread of this conversation.

There's got to be something you want
to do that Mom and Dad won't let you.

Well, I would like to walk home
from the library at night by myself.

Of course you would. What
13-year-old loser wouldn't?

It's outrageous they won't let you do that.

In their defense, I did
get lost the one time they did.

[Groans] That's it.

I am more determined than ever.

I'm gonna win this
battle for the motorcycle

and for the, um, uh...
what was your nerdy thing again?

- The library.
- Right!

Fighting for both those things, yes?

- Yes.
- Yes?!

- Yes.
- Good.

Now smack me in the
croutons like you mean it.

[Chuckles]

So, Rusty, right? Pfft.

I know, right?

What is your "right"?
'Cause my "right" is he's a nutbar.

Oh, he's a nutbar, but
the idea's not half bad.

Oh, my God. What?

This is the guy who brought you Uni-bra...
"Push two boobs into one."

I thought it was Uni-bra... "Now
you don't have to pick your favorite."

And this is who you want
to get into business with?

Look, I know my brother's ideas
are nutty, but he landed on a good one.

- The monkey finally typed a sentence.
- That's no reason to invest in a monkey.

Would you tell me what's going on?

Is it a midlife crisis?

The Hawaiian shirt, the
motorcycle, and now this.

And if the next thing
is a hot, young blonde,

I just want to know so I can
stop putting in the effort.

Yeah, that's right. This is me trying.

It's not a midlife crisis.
I'm just looking for something...

I don't know, different.

I've been doing the same
thing for 25 years...

Same job, same coffee,
same car, same shirt.

Well, so try for a different job?

I did. I went out for regional manager.

What? You did? Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't want to say anything
in case I didn't get it.

And I didn't get it.

[Sighs]

Look, Frankie, I'm not stupid.

I'm not gonna invest all
our money or... or quit my job.

I just... I think
there's something with this idea.

And how many other chances
are gonna come along?

[Sighs] You know what?

If it's really important
to you, you should do it.

I support you completely.

♪♪

I don't.

Ohh!

Hi! [Laughs]

- Hi!
- Oh!

Oh, look at your hair!
Verbal comment... love it.

How's school? Tell me everything.

No, no, no! I want to hear about you!

- How's Americorps?
- Fantastic.

They're paying me to work at this great
nonprofit. Last week, I built a house!

And once we fix homelessness,

I have this great idea for seniors
I call "memory recovery through tap."

Oh! Wow! That sounds terrific!

Now you.

Oh, well, you know, school's
great. So great.

I don't want to bore you
with all the great details.

Hey, I heard there's
new Shrubs outside Arby's.

Let's go check them out.

Ooh! Oh, my car's not working.

And when my Dad tried to teach me how
to change the oil, it did not go well.

- Let's take your car.
- No, no, no, no, no!

Sue: Let's just walk. I don't
think I have any gas.

It looks like you moved in here.

[Laughs]

That's a stage laugh, Sue. I'm
gonna look in the glove box now.

If there are toiletries in there,

you and I are gonna have a
very serious conversation.

Oh, my God, Sue! You're living in your car!

- And breaking out!
- You don't understand.

I had to get out of my dorm. My roommate
situation is hell on Earth.

- Language.
- She's changed me, Brad.

- What's she doing that's so bad?
- [Groans] You have no idea!

Holly is mean and selfish.

She wears my shower shoes even though
they are clearly marked "Sue."

She's pessimistic, and she has
her boyfriend over all the time,

and they do stuff right in front of me!

Oh! Tacky.

They took my bed so they
could make one giant one.

I had to sleep in my
desk chair, and it has wheels.

I was always waking up on
the other side of the room,

and that is way more
disconcerting than you think.

It just seemed better to stay in my car.

- Sue, you have to tell your parents.
- No, no. I am in college now.

I can't just go running to my
Mommy and Daddy to fix things.

I have to handle this
Holly thing on my own.

How?

Well, I think by living in my car,
I am sending a pretty strong message.

[Gasps]

I have a better idea.

If she's gonna be in your
face with her boyfriend,

you're gonna be in her
face with your boyfriend.

- I don't have a boyfriend.
- [Chuckles] You do now, girlfriend.

[Snaps fingers]

[Laughs]

I don't know. I'm a little
concerned about safety here.

Were the astronauts concerned
about safety when they flew to the Moon?

Presumably, yes.

Okay, well, you know what, Brick?

Sometimes you just got
to go for it, all right?

I'm doing this so I can
ride the motorcycle,

and, uh, oh, what was your thing again?

Library. ERight, right, right.

- You want to see girls at the library.
- No.

You want to look at naked
books at the library.

No.

I want to walk home at night
alone from the library.

That's it.

Oh, God, it's just so nerdy. I just...
I can't keep it in my head.

[Chuckles]

So, I got some feelers out to people
about selling the diapers.

Yeah, that's good. And,
you know, [Clears throat]

We don't have to stick to just sports.
It works with any rivals.

You could do dogs and cats,
Republicans and democrats.

- Pope and anti-pope. - I'm not sure
the Pope has a natural enemy.

- How about a bobcat?
- Hmm. I don't think so.

If you have a bobcat, you know he's going
after a pope if he has the chance.

And vicey-versey.

Should we press pause on the diapers

and really focus on this
Pope v. Bobcat stuff?

Let's get this going and then maybe
look at that farther down the line.

Yeah.

The thing is, this pope/bobcat
thing is itching at my brain.

And in my experience,
that means bub's a winner.

I'm not angry, but I-I need you
to not say "bobcat" again.

Freedom! And Brick's dumb thing.

Whooo!

[Crash]

Is he bringing the keys?

[Breathing heavily, moaning]

[Clears throat]

We're in here.

Well, so are we.

- Right, Sue?
- Yeah!

And we're gonna be doing naughty
stuff that married people do,

and we're not gonna be doing
it under her duvet, either.

Mnh-mnh.

Which I have to have, b-t-dubs.
Tell me later where you got it.

Hey, his girlfriend is coming back
in like an hour, so can you shut it?

Well, before I jump my lady's bones here,

I feel only fair to warn you
that I'm gonna be coming over a lot.

A lot, because he's my boyfriend.

I'm basically gonna be
moving in, and I'm a real slob.

And we love to sing show tunes together,
but we slow down the tempo real sexy-like.

Can you stop?!

No, no, not you. You're doing great.
Your girlfriend's really lucky.

Oh, you're really revving me up, Brad.

Oh, yeah. Enough
small talk. Let's get to it.

Let's do.

Better turn these stuffed animals around.
They wouldn't want to see this.

Yes, it's gonna be gross.

- Wow. It's like gossamer.
- What should we do now?

Move our arms and legs a lot.

And kick. And kick. And
kick and kick and kick.

I'm so glad we're in college,
free to do saucy things

'cause we're away from our parents!

And God!

No, God is everywhere. I'm so stupid.

Why did I say that?!

Oh, shake it off. It's improv.
There's gonna be mistakes.

Hold on. I don't hear them.

[Gasps] Maybe they left!

[Smooching] [Gasps]

No, they did not leave.

What do we do now, Brad? I'm scared.

[Sighs] Let's face it. We played
sex chicken and lost.

[Sighs]

♪♪

I decided this was happening, so I might
as well be the supportive wife,

a process made easier with a large tumbler
of aunt Edie's crã¨me de menthe.

Who are we marketing to?
Who's gonna buy these diapers?

Duh. Babies.

[Clears throat loudly]

I will now eat three sticks of butter.

More people die from eating butter
every year than from motorcycles,

especially when the expiration
date is June 21, 2012.

- Ba-bam.
- [Chuckles]

You know what you should do
is, get the word out to women

that this is a great way to
get Dads to change diapers.

- I've been to showers with lots of women.
- Oh, that is hot.

- Baby showers.
- Oh, that's... that's gross.

Hey, what about those indoor
playground places?

You know, there's always a
Mom whose kid's running around

with a load in his pants because she
forgot to bring an extra diaper.

Usually, that Mom was me, and
I would totally buy one of those.

Not bad.

Yeah, we can pitch all this
stuff at our meeting on Monday.

What are you talking about?

A guy from the baby barn called.
He wants to hear our idea on Monday.

That's tomorrow.

- [Scoffs] You're drunk, lady.
- No, it is tomorrow.

Today's Sunday.

I think I've made my point.

Sue: Hey, I mean, it's not so bad.
It's only 134 days till Summer.

And hey, maybe by next year she'll have a
baby and they'll put her in married housing.

Brad: [Scoffs] I'm so sorry, Sue.

For what?

For that train wreck of a performance.
It's all my fault.

I haven't been in a play in months.
I'm just not working that muscle.

First thing I'm gonna do when I get
home is go straight to Pizza Hut

and reconnect with my old acting coach.

Brad, you have nothing to apologize
for. You were amazing.

You were a great fake boyfriend.

And an even better friend.

[Chuckles]

Listen, Sue, there's something...

I want to tell you.

[Sighs]

- I...
- Brad.

I know.

[Chuckles]

[Sighs]

[Chuckles]

So, you like House Beautiful, huh?

I'm just nervous. I've never done
anything like this before.

Oh, well, as I understand it,
you don't have to read everything.

You just pick the articles you like
and skip the ones you don't.

[Sighs]

I'm talking about pitching a business idea.

You know anything about
this guy we're meeting with?

Just that his name is Bob. Or Calvin.

Definitely something foreign.

- Hi. I'm Stan.
- Stan. Hello. I'm Mike Heck.

Hey.

- [Clears throat]
- My brother, Rusty.

That's good. Come on in.

- Let's talk.
- Okay.

Stan: All right.

Uh, this is our director of
marketing, director of sales,

V.P. of research and development,
some of our buyers.

- Hey. Mike Heck.
- Hi. Howdy Doody.

[Chuckles] How are you?
Welcome. Bienvenistos.

Nice to meet you.

Okay, can I get you guys
something to drink?

Oh, sure. I'll have a Margarita, no salt.

[Laughter]

No, just water.

There you go.

So, guys, do you have a powerpoint?

No. No.

Um, we have... more of a packet.

Here's the packet that was
previously discussed one second ago.

[Chuckles]

Why don't you just give us the highlights?

Uh...

Sure. Okay.

He-Here we go. Uh... um...

[Clears throat]

[Clearing throat]

[Clearing throat loudly]

[Chuckles]

Uh, hang on.

[Moans]

[Clears throat]

After her talk with Brad,

Sue entered the next day with new purpose.

She figured if he could be
honest and brave and tell her who he is,

she could be honest and brave and show
Holly she would not be pushed around.

So she dug down deep and did the only
thing a mature college woman could do.

She tattled.

My roommate is a bad, bad person.
She has her boyfriend over every night.

There are multiple hot-plate violations.

She does very inappropriate
things to kitten posters,

and I don't know if you have
any jurisdiction over this,

but I really don't think
she should be a nurse.

[Sighs]

Hey!

So, how'd it go? What happened?

Mike screwed the pooch.

Hey, at least I didn't say that big
bird and Hitler were a classic rivalry.

See? I knew it. I knew this was a bad idea.

Oh, yeah, they hated us.
But they didn't hate the idea.

That's how good it is. They bought it.

Oh, my God. We're diaper moguls.

Now, slow down. It's just a small order
to see how they sell, but it's a start.

Damn straight it is!

This calls for a celebration.
Okay, what do you want?

Crã¨me de Menthe, Sherry, or Drambuie?

- Surprise me, baby.
- Okay.

Oh, you know what?
This isn't the Year of Sue.

It's not the Year of Brick.

This is the year of the Hecks.

- Whoo-hoo!
- Yeah.

I got to tell you, it was
a high-pressure situation.

So it looked like Mike was back to his
old self, better than his old self.

He was happy.

In fact, he was in such a good mood,
he even let Axl ride the motorcycle.

Whoa! This is awesome!

Whoo!

[Laughs]

Yeah! Whoo!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

♪♪

[Chuckles]

♪♪