The Middle (2009–2018): Season 7, Episode 20 - The Middle - full transcript

Oh, I need graph paper.

What?

Brick, I was just at Office
Depot, getting a Snickers bar.

You're telling me now?

Well, you coming home reminded
me I needed you to go out.

Why didn't you tell me earlier?

Why didn't you come home earlier?

Look, we can argue all night
about whose fault it is.

It's your fault.

You think I don't notice
you raising the volume?

- Yell quieter, and I won't have to.
- When's it due?



Come on!

- Stop with the volume.
- All in your hands.

In my defense, I've only
known about it for three weeks.

Brick, next year, you're
gonna be in high school.

You can't keep going through life

expecting people to bail
you out at the last...

Nancy Donahue.

- Yes, let's make her get it.
- No, no, no.

She gave me her code so we can order stuff

and have it delivered overnight for free.

Are you so lazy, you're gonna
order one package of paper

instead of just going to get it?

You want to go to Office Depot?

He asked you.



Not a social visit.

Down to no underwear, even
with the both-sides trick.

Ugh, gonna vomit.

So, how's spring practice coming?

Who's looking good?

I don't know.

You guys thinking of running
the pistol again this year?

Maybe.

Hey, did you get your physical
yet with Dr. Nagel for next season?

It's tomorrow.

So, how you doing? How you playing?

Um... fine.

Hey, I've been thinking, and maybe
I should quit the team next year.

You know, make time for other stuff?

Do we have the detergent
with the rubber ducky on it?

It's the gentlest on my undercarriage.

You can't quit the team.
You got your scholarship.

Oh, yeah. No, I know.
I'm just tired, I guess.

So, you want me to get you
the code for the graph paper?

Oh! Graph paper. Right.

Marry Cindy. I mean it.

Lock that down now.

Ow!

Aww, it's one of Sue's tiny Barbie shoes.

Oh, she hasn't played with
these since she was little.

Wow. Do you ever vacuum?

Do you?

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, honey.

I just called you 'cause
I miss you so much.

All they talk about around
here is football and underwear.

And they smell.

They smell so bad.

Brick thinks he can get away
with showering every other day.

- He can't.
- I'm right here, Mom.

I know exactly where
you are. Take the hint.

So, what's up with you?

Well, Lexie's out of
town with her godmother.

I always thought that was
just a Cinderella thing,

but apparently rich people have
them, and they take them on safaris.

Anyway, I'm totally free tomorrow.

Do you want to come up for lunch?

I would love to.

Hey, I'm going to Sue's tomorrow,
so you're on your own for lunch.

We're always on our own for lunch.

Shush. She's happy.

Yep, there was no question about it.

I was ready for girl time.

Just me and Sue. No smelly boys.

Hey. You must be Frankie.

Uh, yeah.

Oh. Hey, Mom.

This is Jeremy, a guy I've been seeing.

Oh.

Oh, it's the funniest story how we met.

He was chained to a tree.

It all worked out okay. He saved it.

He had to spend a night in
jail, but it was worth it.

Uh-huh.

He's in between protests till Arbor Day,

so he's gonna be joining us for lunch.

Great!

So, Brick got his graph
paper the very next day.

And he cut out the middleman.

And the best part was,
the middleman was me.

Boy, your mom wasn't kidding when
she said we're on our own for lunch.

We got, uh, Tang, three
bags of bread heels,

and an open packet of onion soup.

Oh, my gosh!

Apparently... and I hope
I'm reading this right...

I have been chosen to rate
my recent online purchase

of Emerson Wales graph paper.

Me! I've been chosen. This is huge.

What do you want to eat?

Did you not hear what I just said?

Everything's changed. I
don't have time for lunch.

What are you doing here?

Got my physical for football.

Aren't you supposed to turn
that in to the coach by 2:00?

Cutting it kind of close, aren't ya?

Yeah, no, actually, I'll be fine,
'cause, see, I looked in to it.

Turns out I have some
other financial options.

I can get a student loan from the bank.

Also, Little Betty might be able to
match my tuition if I take a job there.

What are you talking about?

Quitting football.

What?

Well, it's just,

I'm not gonna play pro ball anyway.

It's true.

I have always felt he has
more of a dancer's body.

Look, you always get
this way in the spring.

As soon as the season starts,
you're gonna feel different.

The smell of the leaves,
the crack of the pads.

If you didn't do it, you would miss it.

Plus, all the seniors
are gonna be graduating.

That'll mean more playing time for you.

No, it won't.

The new freshmen are big and fast.

There's this guy, Taco... He's enormous.

Tacos should fit in your
hand and be delicious.

This guy could kill me. I
can't even eat tacos anymore.

It's part of the reason I'm so hungry.

When you're spending precious
time with your daughter,

you want to stretch that time
and make it last forever.

Well, the way to do that
was to invite this guy.

And don't kid yourself
about the Federal Reserve.

It's privately owned.

It's an artificial construct
of three powerful white men.

So, then, that's a no on the
mozzarella sticks for the table?

Oh, no, no, no. Jeremy only eats raw food.

He's not getting anything.
He's just here for the company.

Oh, well. More for me.

So, Jeremy, where are you from?

I don't like to say I'm
from a particular place.

I'm against all kinds of tribes.

I think we should all just
be citizens of the Earth.

And he's not just saying
that because he's from Iowa.

He really means it.

Jeremy only says what he means,

and he only means what he says.

He is like Horton the
Elephant but with broody eyes.

- Don't get me started on that book.
- Ugh.

Ooh! Tell her what you were
saying about Plastic Island.

There is this island in the middle
of the ocean the size of Texas

that is filled with all of the
plastic items that we throw out...

plastic bags, plastic
containers, plastic bottles.

Plastic Island sounds great.

You never have to wash
anything. Am I right?

- It's not a joke.
- It's not, Mom.

It's so not.

Where's our waitress?

If she's smart, she's at the ACLU,
fighting for a decent living wage.

Mm!

So, Jeremy, what does your dad do?

He's a corporate pig.

Fantastic.

How many stars should
I give this graph paper?

A nine is extremely satisfied,
but an eight is very satisfied.

That's a pretty wide gap.

They really should have half grades.

Dad, what's it like to
be extremely satisfied?

You're asking the wrong guy, Brick.

Okay, well, have you
ever been very satisfied?

I'd be somewhat satisfied
if you let me watch my show.

I just don't want to mess up here.

The world is relying on my answers
for their graphpaper-buying needs.

"How does this graph
paper compare with others?"

That's like asking you to
choose your favorite child.

That's not as hard as you'd think.

I need a second opinion
here. I'm losing my mind.

How does that feel?

Like paper.

How would you describe the weight of it?

Like paper.

I'm gonna give it a
seven for comparability.

Okay.

- You're comfortable with seven?
- Yeah.

- I'm gonna click it.
- Please do.

Once I hit this button, that
seven's written in stone.

Good.

- You're being awfully cavalier.
- Brick.

- Damn it.
- I knew it. It's a six.

Any idiot could see it's a six.

No, Axl left his medical stuff here.

If he doesn't turn this in on
time, he could lose his scholarship.

All right, I'm gonna
have to drive it up there.

You're on your own for dinner.

I'm gonna have to have onion-soup
mix and bread heels for dinner?

You didn't hear it from me,
but there's a half a candy bar

stuffed down inside
your mom's church shoes.

So, we're all gonna protest
outside the science building.

It's just not fair to
inject rats with the flu.

Rats have it hard enough.

And putting makeup on rabbits?

Not okay.

I mean, it was kind of funny when Bugs
Bunny did it to look like a lady rabbit,

but now that just seems like they
were mocking transgender bunnies.

Mom, are you even listening to me?

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, how about we catch
a movie or something?

Pbht! Why?

So we can see how few black
people there are in films?

Okay, we'll put a pin in that.

Oh, ooh!

You're gonna love this.

I found this yesterday.

Actually, I stepped on it.

Mm.

Aah.

Ugh, the shoe of unrealistic expectations.

If you took that Barbie's measurements

and put them on a real
woman, she would fall over.

She literally wouldn't be
able to stand up straight.

Did you just roll your eyes at me?

Sue, whatever.

You did it again.

Look, you seem to think you're the
only one who cares about anything.

Oy. Mom, you just don't get it.

Your idea of caring about
something is burning your bra.

How old do you think I am?

That was Grandma's generation.

And she didn't burn her bra.

She just switched to
light support for a while.

Look, I used to be your age.

I understand righteous indignation,

but eventually you get to be my age,

and you realize you can't fix everything.

And sometimes you just
got to kick back, relax,

and enjoy a movie with too
many white people in it.

I am outraged that you think
my outrage is just a phase.

Okay, you know what? I am done.

I have put up with this all afternoon,

and I want my Sue back...
happy Sue, sweet Sue.

Well, sweet Sue can't save the
arctic foxes, but angry Sue can,

and they are first on
mine and Jeremy's list,

partly because that's where
they come alphabetically

but also because they need us.

You know, you don't have to think things
just 'cause your new boyfriend does.

Whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You think I think things
because a man thinks them?

I think the things I think
and then I choose a man

whose thinking I think is admirable.

Jeremy is smart.

Jeremy is deep.

Oh, Jeremy's a knob.

- That is the man I like.
- Oh, please.

Look, I know it's exciting to care
about things when you're young,

but trust me, one day, you're gonna be me.

Yeah, I'm your Ghost of Christmas Future.

Or do you hate Christmas now, too?

Oh, I love Christmas, but I
hate the merchandising of it.

Oh, that's original.

And I will never be like you.

Jeremy and I are gonna change the world.

If Jeremy wants to change the world,

he should start by being less of a douche.

Oh, you just want me to be with
some boring, un-deep Ken doll.

Well, guess what.

I will not be Barbie,

barefoot and pregnant in her Malibu prison.

It wasn't a prison.

It was a dream house. It's in the name.

And the only reason she was barefoot

is 'cause you couldn't
keep her damn shoes on.

Ugh!

I gave this graph paper
nine stars for quality?

Oh, no.

The whole world is gonna see that review.

I'm gonna be a laughingstock.

How am I supposed to fix this?

Should I rewrite the whole review?

Aw, but that's so much work.

They said it was only
gonna take 15 minutes.

It took over three hours.

I'm going back in.

Axl!

Oh, God.

You left the medical forms at home.

They were due an hour ago.

Is this gonna be a problem now?

- I don't know.
- What?

Do you think you should
check with the coach?

I don't know.

What are you doing?

You're acting like you
don't want to play football.

I don't want to play football.

What? Where's this coming from?

Oh, my God. I've been trying to tell you.

You know, it doesn't take Freud to
realize I've been crying out for help.

Why else would I keep
coming home for no reason?

Why else would I forget the forms?

I'm acting totally
irresponsible and immature.

I'm not myself at all.

Are you kidding me?

What is so hard about playing football?

Is it the cheerleaders hanging all over ya?

All the special attention?

Or is it the fact that
it pays for your college?

I have one year left at school.

I don't want to waste it on
something that's not going anywhere.

I want to focus more on my classes or
maybe get an internship or just have fun.

I want to hang out with my friends.

Oh, okay, then why don't you go for the
"hang out with my friends" scholarship?

I happen to know there
is no such scholarship.

Your sarcasm is very hurtful.

I'm quitting, and we're
done talking about it.

We're done when I say I'm done.

Stranger danger! This is not my dad.

What is wrong with you?

What is wrong with you?!

Get back out here! Axl!

Don't you drive this house away from me!

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

I'm so glad you texted
me. I can really use this.

I feel like I just went five
rounds with Abbie Hoffman.

Abbie was a girl in that, right?

What are you talking about?

Sue's an activist now.

She hates plastic, and she's mad at me

'cause I rolled my eyes when she
said Barbie's boobs were too big.

- I'll have a beer.
- That'll be 10 cents.

- It's dime-beer hour.
- Then, I'll take 10.

Axl's quitting football.

What? No, he can't. He's got a scholarship.

He said he's looking into
other ways to pay for college.

I tried to talk to him. He won't listen.

Well, they never listen anymore.

I mean, Sue's nuts.

So I rolled my eyes... big deal.

If I got mad every time
they rolled their eyes...

"Put the toilet seat down." "Ugh."

"Make your bed."

"I love you."

I just don't get it.

So it's harder than it was
when he was in high school.

So what?

How can he not love
breaking through the line,

outrunning the safety, the fans screaming?

Sounds like somebody else
wants to play football.

You do roll your eyes a lot.

Shut up.

He drove away from me.

Actually turned on the
ignition and drove off.

You know what? Forget
them. We don't need them.

We got each other.

We got 10-cent beer and
a purse full of change.

So, Brick set out to update his review
of the Emerson Wales graph paper...

...repeatedly.

He reviewed the density.

He reviewed the
line-to-space ratio.

He reviewed the taste.

The trouble was, as soon
as he fixed one problem,

he discovered another one

and had to start all over again.

After 23 updates, he'd had enough.

Hello. This is Carol with customer service.

How can I help you?

Hi, Carol.

I'm one of your reviewers,

and, sadly, I need to
step down from my post.

Um... I'm sorry?

Everything was fine until I noticed

that when I held the paper

between my thumb and my
index finger of both hands

and I pulled in opposite directions,

the paper would come apart.

You mean... it ripped?

Yes!

I was speechless, too.

Anyway, it was truly an honor to be chosen,

and it's with a heavy heart that
I must tender my resignation.

Do you need it in writing?

Uh, no. This is fine.

Um, is there anything else
I can help you with today?

Not unless you can get the
last 12 hours of my life back.

I'm kidding, Carol. I
know it's not your fault.

Knock, knock!

Hello?

Hi, Brick.

Your folks called.

They had a bit to drink in a bar.

Totally okay. Lots of grown-ups do that.

Well, I don't, but others do.

So they're gonna stay in Gumford,

and you're gonna sleep at my house tonight.

I'm not telling you this
'cause I'm judging them.

I'm telling you because
it's a teachable moment.

Hm.

As long as you have
food, I really don't care.

- Oh.
- Ooh, ooh.

Oh-ho-ho-ho.

You think Axl'll be mad
that we're crashing here?

Axl'll. Axl'll.

That's hard to say.

We'll sleep where I say we sleep.

I'm the father.

- This is little.
- Yeah.

I can hit the toilet bowl from here.

Whoo! Do it! Do it! Do it!

Looks like somebody already did.

Mm.

Dopey Sue.

She thinks she's the first
person that cares about anything.

I cared. I watched "Comic Relief."

You know what they are?

- Mm?
- They're ingrates.

I would never talk to my
dad the way he talked to me.

We wiped their butts.

Yeah, I wiped Axl's butt until he was 6.

He couldn't get it at all.

I'm gonna brush my teeth.

Okay, baby.

Aw, I didn't bring my toothbrush.

Oh.

Well, just take some of Axl's
toothpaste and do the finger trick.

It's not really a trick.

You should've met this guy Jeremy.

You would've wanted to slug his dumb face.

He doesn't eat mozzarella sticks

because he says its inhumane
to take milk from cows.

But he's wrong.

It's inhumane to not take milk,

because then it builds up, and it hurts.

I think I know a little
more about it than him.

I miss breastfeeding.

Breast.

They should make travel toothbrushes.

There's a million-dollar idea.

I used to worry about how clingy she was.

She would never let me leave the room
when I used to say good night to her.

I would say, "I love you,"

and she'd say, "I love
you to the moon and back,"

and I'd say, "Ditto," and she'd say,

"I love you to the moon and
back and back to the moon,"

and I'd say, "Back at ya," and she'd say,

"I love you to the moon and
back and back to the moon,"

and now she's not even
coming home for summer.

She's going to Dollywood.

It's just such a big part
of who he is, you know?

I mean, when he was a kid, he was so fast.

He m... He moved so fast,
like a... fast thing,

and I thought, "This kid might
actually be able to do this."

- What? Professionally?
- Mm.

Like in the NF football league?

For a couple of years.

Then, obviously, he
would open a steakhouse.

Pbht!

You were right.

No, duh. I always am.

Not just that it was a big part of him.

It was a big part of me.

I was a guy whose kid played
football, and now I'm not.

It's not fair.

They just decide they can
q-quit football, go to Dollywood.

They think they can do what they want.

Well, they can.

You know when I was happiest?

I mean really happy?

When I was driving everybody.

When they were small, and I'd be driving.

Didn't matter where.

It was just me at the
wheel and you next to me

and those three idiots in the back.

And I knew everything was okay,

'cause I was driving.

And I had it.

I had everybody.

Morning, sleepyheads.

You guys want some salami and eggs?

We're gonna take a hard pass on that.

Thanks for the hospitality.

We're just gonna get out of
here and head back to the house.

Well, you know, always told
you guys, you drink too much,

just give me a call,
and I'll drive you home.

Aw, thank God. I'm starving.

I think I have a candy
bar in my church shoes.

Thanks for driving us back.

Beauty of living in a car.

Mm-hmm.

Look, you're 22 years old.

If you want to quit football
and think you can swing it,

that's your decision.

Yeah, I can't swing it.

You were right. I'm a moron.

I did the math, and if I
don't take that scholarship,

I'll be paying off loans
for the next 10 years.

Might be more, 'cause I
don't really trust my math.

Well, you came to it on your
own, and that says a lot.

Hey, if I got anything from watching you,

it's that life is not fun,

and it's pretty much a relentless
string of disappointments.

Sounds like I taught you well.

I'm just here to do laundry.

Okay.

I'm sorry we fought,

but you have to understand

that I care very deeply about things.

I care about women's rights
and I care about poverty

and I care about highfructose corn syrup.

And there are so many things to care about

that I don't know if I
can care about them all.

And sometimes, I don't
even know which way to care.

I mean, some people say that
the sonar the military sends out

messes up dolphins and whales,

but then other people say that
the sonar protects our borders.

I love whales and borders.

Aw, honey.

And then I don't even know
why I bother caring at all.

I'm just gonna end up like you anyway.

No offense.

Sue, you will always
care just the right amount

because that's you.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Yep, as a parent, sometimes
you have 2-star days,

sometimes you have 10-star days.

Drive safe.

But when the last
one leaves the nest,

you hope your customers
are vaguely satisfied

and that they'll come again
and bring grandchildren.

You've got mail.

"We see you had a recent call with Carol,

our customer service representative.

Please take a moment to
rate your experience."

Hmm.