The Middle (2009–2018): Season 7, Episode 21 - The Lanai - full transcript

[crow caws]

FRANKIE: Out here in the middle,
the winters can be brutal,

so we really appreciate that
first warm day of spring.

Is it done? Can I use it? Can I use it?

I can't wait to use it.

MIKE: Hold your horses.

Oh, my God, guys! It looks great!

Oh, I have always hated
that old rotting wood

since the day we moved in here.

I've been carrying around
that Sunset magazine

for 22 years with the
picture of what I wanted,



and now I finally have my lanai!

What's a lanai?

It's a patio.

She calls it a lanai...
makes it sound fancier.

I like "lanai." It's exotic.

Brings a little paradise to Orson.

Kind of like how my mom and
I live on Orange Grove Avenue.

I'm not grilling burgers on a lanai.

This is Indiana. Let's go with "patio."

Well, I don't care. I love it.

And thank you, thank you, thank you.

I'm already more relaxed, and
that's not the drink talking.

Well, maybe a little.

Drunk or not, you're welcome.



Oh, but don't think I'm done yet.

Eventually, I want to have
a tiki bar with a cabana

and a flat-screen TV over there somewhere.

Okay. Anything for you, baby.

[chuckles]

Yep, there's nothing like the
first warm day of the year,

when the days get longer and
the skirts get shorter...

the day East Indy
calls "halter top day."

Hey, aren't you missing a class?

Nope... missing a test.

[both laugh]

[sniffs] Ooh!

Man. Something smells good.

Oh, that's Kenny. They're
making grilled cheese sandwiches.

It's one of those rare times you smell
something good coming out the 'bago.

- Huh.
- [window opens]

Ooh!

[chuckles]

Mmm!

Oh, my God!

Is this good 'cause it's good or am I just
in a good mood 'cause it's halter top day?

Shh.

I just want this moment to
be between me and my sandwich.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

Hey, uh, how much for a grilled cheese?

What?

Oh. No, we're not really...

$3.95... $4.00 with a napkin.

Oh. Cool.

Kenny, order up!

[sighs]

Yep, I was breaking
in the new lanai...

my little oasis of calm.

BOY: Watch me, Mommy!

GIRL: No, Mommy! Watch me!

She watched you already!
She's watching me now!

GIRL #2: She's not watching anybody!

[all yelling "Mommy!"]

[children laughing in distance]

Hi! Are you moving in?

Yes. Hi. I'm Dierdre Peterson.

- So nice to meet you.
- Frankie Heck. Welcome!

Wow. This house has been empty for so long.

We were wondering when
we'd get new neighbors.

Oh, well, here we are...

me, my husband, and our three kids.

And one on the way.

- [gasps]
- But I'm a twin, so who knows?

Fingers crossed.

- Which way?
- [both laugh]

[chuckles] Anyway, well,
welcome to the neighborhood.

If you need anything, I am right
across the fence, so just shout.

Actually, you don't even need to shout.

I could hear your normal speaking voice...

'cause I'm right there... over the fence.

[chuckles] Okay. Bye!

Okay. Bye, now. Thanks.

[children shouting in distance]

[sighs]

There's only one thing
that can keep you inside

on the best day of the
year... the dorm lottery.

It's only two minutes till
the pick order goes up.

My eyes are so dry,
but I'm afraid to blink.

Please, please, please
give us a good number.

Anything in the top 150, we can
get into Alderman Dorm or Spencer.

Oh, and if we get in the top 75,

we can get a south-facing
room in Wentz Hall.

- Ooh!
- Ooh!

[gasps] Oh, no. My hopes
are up. That is never good.

Down, hopes. Down, hopes!

The main thing is, we don't
want anything 300 or below,

or we're gonna be living in a major dump.

I'm not exactly sure what a
dump is, but I hear bad things.

I'm scared, Lexie... so scared!

It's gonna be okay. I've
got my lucky ruby lavaliere

that my grandma gave to my mom
and she gave to me.

I've got a rock from my dad's quarry.

Okay.

[both sigh]

- [computer chimes]
- BOTH: It's up!

Oh, my God. We're 4!

- 4 what? 44? 400?
- No, just 4.

- 4?
- 4!

[squeals]

[both screaming]

Oh, my gosh. Now we can
get into the flood room!

- [both screaming]
- Yes! We can get the flood room!

Wait. What is the flood
room, and why do we want it?

Oh, my God! That room's, like, famous.

Two years ago, this girl got super-drunk,

tried to go to the bathroom on the sink.

It totally broke off the wall
and flooded the entire room.

They had to completely redo it...

new hardwood floors, new paint, new sink,

and it's got six outlets!

[both screaming]

♪ We got six outlets! ♪

♪ We got six outlets! ♪

♪ We're gonna charge stuff ♪

♪ With our six outlets! ♪

- Whoo!
- Whoo!

Okay, so the first day
on the lanai was a bust,

but that wasn't gonna stop me.

GIRL: I don't want a half a cookie!

- I want a full-size cookie!
- DIERDRE: No! It's almost dinnertime!

Come in and take your bath!

I don't want a bath! I
want a full-size cookie!

Well, if you're gonna scream,
you can just stay out there!

- [door slams]
- I want a full-size cookie!

I want a full-size cookie!!

I want a full-size vodka.

[bottles clink]

Hey, Dad, I'm running
out of space in my room.

Do you think your workers could
come over and build me a bookcase?

Maybe something in a dark walnut.

I really want to make the books pop.

What?

They're not gonna do that, Brick.

Why not? They helped you.

Yeah, that's 'cause they're my friends.

Oh, I thought they were only
doing it 'cause you're their boss.

No. Where'd you get that idea?

We're friends. Friends help each other out.

So you go over to their houses
and help them with stuff?

Why don't you go outside with your mom?

[sliding door opens]

My lanai is screwed.

They don't stop, Mike.

Those stupid new neighbor
kids are out there all the time

screaming and yelling,
and it's driving me crazy!

Yep. Yelling's annoying.

- [sighs]
- Come on.

You remember how loud our kids were?

What? They weren't loud.

They were inside on video games all day.

We were good parents.

What about the time Axl
invented "garbage-can Jenga"

and Old Lady Graber called the cops?

Oh, that old bat was all up
in everybody's business.

She once turned a hose
on Christmas carolers.

What do you think I should
do? Should I say something?

How many times in life
have you asked me that,

and how many times has
your "saying something"

turned out to be a good idea?

- [children cheering, shouting in distance]
- Hi! Just checking in.

And I wanted to bring
you a little something.

Here's some Cocoa Puffs as sort
of a welcome to the neighborhood.

I know the box is open, but my
son only had a small handful.

Oh, gee, thanks.

Everyone's so friendly.

A woman named Nancy brought
over a chicken casserole.

Betcha she asked you to return the pan.

[chuckles] What a pain.

That box is yours to keep.

There's a maze on the back.

Anyway, it's a great neighborhood.

Everyone is so friendly.

We have a lot of fun together.

I've got a brand-new lanai,

so I'm gonna be out in the
yard a lot, enjoying that baby.

Oh, that sounds so nice.

I know my kids are loving our new backyard.

I can just open the door
and let them go nuts.

I hear ya... literally.

As a matter of fact, we're
gonna have a TV-free summer.

Oh, yeah? Hmm. I don't know.

Most of the experts have reversed on that.

Turns out now they're saying
a lot of TV is actually good.

It's educational. [chuckles]

- Really?
- Uh-huh.

I mean, if they don't speak Nickelodeon,

hello, trouble! [chuckles]

A little girl in this neighborhood was
not allowed to watch "Go, Diego! Go!"...

got into her parents' crème De menthe,

rode her bike right into a tree.

[chuckling] So...

Well, we're gonna be an outdoor family now.

Okay, but just so you
know, this is supposed to be

the worst tick
season we've had in a while.

Ticks have very acute hearing,

so when they hear children screaming,

it's like a dinner bell to a tick.

The louder you are, the more they're like,

[growling] "Yummy children!"

[laughs]

Well, I have a lot more
unpacking to do, so...

Oh, yeah. Well, be careful.

[growls]

[indistinct conversations]

Hey!

Two cheddar barges on a butter river!

Two cheddar barges on a
butter river coming up!

Oh, dude, check it out! We are on fire!

Hey. You know what? I've been thinking.

What's the one thing we're missing?

A permit from the Health Department?

A sign!

How's this sound?

"Axl and Hutch present an
Axl and Hutch Production,

featuring sandwiches by Kenny."

- I love it.
- Yeah, you do!

I told you this RV was a good idea.

We are like "Breaking Bad,"
but with grilled cheese.

Uh-oh... We're out of Havarti,

and we're running
dangerously low on Camembert.

Well, we got a can of
spray cheese. Just use that.

Kenny is an artiste.

He can't compromise his
integrity for spray cheese.

We can't keep using the fancy cheeses!

I'm a business major, hmm?

If I've learned anything,

it's that you keep cutting
quality till someone notices,

and by then, it doesn't matter,
'cause you're already rich.

No way!

"Axl and Hutch present an
Axl and Hutch Production,

featuring sandwiches by Kenny"
was built on fine European cheeses.

Our customers expect the best.

That dude is wearing a
robe and one shower shoe.

I don't think he cares.

Wait.

I have an idea.

Grilled cheese shots. Hmm?

We get them a piece of bread,
spray cheese in their mouth,

it's like a Jello shot,
but with grilled cheese.

Mm!

Hey, would you like to be the first
to try our new grilled cheese shots?

All right.

Uh-huh.

[coughs]

Oh! I over-sprayed. I'm so sorry.

[crowd groans]

We're gonna work on
that in our test kitchen.

Hey, Brick.

I just want to make it clear that Jim
and Dave didn't come over and help out

just 'cause they work for me.

I mean, it's not like they had to.

We're friends. We hang out.

[spits]

Hmm.

When was the last time they
came over to, you know, hang out?

It was when, uh...

Dave came over to, uh,
help with the dishwasher...

and then fix the hole in Sue's... wall.

Brush your teeth.

I just did.

Do it again.

[gasps] Hi!

Sorry to bother you, but we're
gonna be living here next semester,

so we were wondering if we could
just take a few measurements.

[scoffs]

They want to take measurements.

Fine. Whatever.

- [squeals]
- Ah!

[gasps]

Oh, my God!

This place is gorgeous!

[squeals]

Look, Sue. I'm still walking.

[laughs]

So, guys, tell us everything.

What would you say is your
favorite part of this room?

That it's so close to everything.

We love that.

[squeals]

[squeals]

- So, are you guys graduating?
- Nope.

Oh! Did you get a nice house?

Nope.

No, we drew number 562 in the lottery,

so now you get to kick us out

and we get to get stuck with
whatever sucky room is left

after everybody else on the
whole campus gets to pick.

Sorry.

I don't care about me. Whatever.

But she has chronic fatigue syndrome.

Some days, she can't even get out of bed.

Amber. Hi. Nice to meet you.

That's why this room was so perfect.

It's close to everything, and
she gets to have her own bathroom.

Excuse me.

I have to go brush the
other half of my teeth.

[sighs]

Oh, my God, Lexie. Are you
thinking what I'm thinking?

That our flat-screen would
go great up on this wall?

Oh, it so would.

But no. We can't take this room from her.

Look at her. She's literally shuffling.

Well, my grandma shuffles,
and she loves life.

Poor thing.

I just feel really bad for her.

I know, but it's not like
we asked for a better number.

That's just how it worked out.

Besides, they say that dealing with
struggles in life builds character.

Like this one time, we were
supposed to have a penthouse,

and we got stuck in a beach
villa with only one infinity pool.

I don't know any of
the words you're saying.

Look, Lexie, we need to put
ourselves in Amber's shoes.

We have to do the right thing here.

We just have to.

[whimpers] I know. I know.

You're right. You're totally right.

[sighs]

You can keep the room.

What?

Yeah. We can't take it from you.

In fact, we should switch numbers

so nobody else gets it, either.

You can have our number,
and we'll take your... 562.

Wait. Are you serious?

Are you two really doing this?

[whining] The lights are on dimmers.

Just don't look.

We could never be happy here

knowing we'd taken it from
someone who needs it more.

Oh, my God. Like, no one does that.

Thank you!

And seriously, if you guys ever need to
store anything in our walk-in closet...

[chuckles]

[indistinct conversations]

Oh-ho! I am so getting this drone.

And it's a total business expense, too.

We can use it to drop off grilled cheeses.

So is this jet ski, 'cause
we can deliver to boats.

- Mm!
- Also, I think I'm gonna get pec implants.

I got great legs, but
I'm out of proportion.

I can use a little more... right here.

MAN: Hey! What's taking so
long? It's just cheese, dude.

Kenny. We got some customers.

Whoa, whoa! Kenny, wait.
Where are you going?

This is the post-hangover,
pre-drunk rush.

They need to line their stomachs with
more cheese for another night of partying.

While people are frequently enigmatic,

with food, I've found a language
with which I can express myself.

But you've taken that and
made it all about money.

I'm profoundly sad.

Damn, Kenny.

You don't talk much, but when
you do, you make a man think.

I quit.

Okay, so there might
have been a few setbacks,

but I wasn't gonna be run out
of my own lanai by a few kids.

I was the adult here, and I
did what any adult would do...

I snuck out at 5:00 in the morning.

[metal creaking]

[children shouting, cheering]

I'm jumping like a kangaroo!

Hi. Beautiful day, huh? Getting settled in?

Anyway, this is kind of weird,

but I just happened to find
this flier in my mailbox,

and I thought of you.

Orson Township Summer Camp?

You have kids, right?

Yeah, this is a really great program.

My kids loved it.

I recommend they go for the whole day.

That way, they start to make those
all-important lifelong friendships.

- I'll think about it.
- You really should.

The counselors take the kids
out in the country far away

and let them run and
get all their energy out.

What about the ticks?

They don't have them out there.

[chuckles nervously]

Jim and I.

What?

Jim and I went to a basketball game.

We didn't fix anything.

We just enjoyed the game, like friends do.

Hmm. Whose tickets were they?

They were his.

So he took his boss to a basketball game.

Have you ever done anything
nice like that for him?

I gave him a job.

Hmm.

[sighs]

Quality takes time.

Your patience is appreciated.
Our customers come first.

Animals!

I'm dying here, man! You
got to buy me some more time!

Okay, uh, let's see.

Uh, we're expanding our menu!

Who wants, uh...
da-da-da-da-da...

peanut butter on a spoon?

No. Okay.

Um, how about... Ooh!

Half a can of tuna?

Or, um... a Band-Aid!

Heh?

So, Sue and Lexie may not
have gotten the flood room,

but their hearts were overflowing

with the feeling of knowing
they had done the right thing.

- [gasps]
- What?

[gasps]

Maybe she only gets it sometimes?

Lexie, it's not called
intermittent fatigue syndrome.

[scoffs]

Oh, my God. We totally pulled it off!

And you were a genius.

I thought we were screwed
till you threw ice,

marshmallows, and mouthwash into a blender

and called it [chuckling]
the Blue Glacier Blast.

Aw, it was nothing. Anyway, how about you?

Using that big jar of marmalade

that was already in the
fridge when we bought the RV?

I don't know. I was just in the zone.

I skimmed the mold off the top,
put a scoop of it on a plate

with just a hint of peanut-can dust,

and bam... deconstructed PB&J.

Hey. Well, we got to restock
and get back out there.

If we could do this much during
lunch, while people are sober,

imagine what we can do outside
O'Brien's for Dollar Beer Night.

Hey, we may be out of cheese,
but we got plenty of bread.

I tell you what... I'm not
gonna be one of those stereotypes

who gets rich and buys their mom a house.

Now, I will buy a house,

but if she's gonna stay there,
she's gonna have to pay rent.

Hells yeah!

If you let them, parents
will just mooch and mooch.

It was 22 years and
one week in the making,

but at last, I was one with my lanai

and peace was finally mine.

Oh, come on!

Oh! Hello, there.

Oh, I see you're just out of the shower.

Aren't you tired?

Maybe you should lie down.

- Can we get you a blankie?
- Or a pillow?

What are you talking about?

Oh, I'll tell you what we're talking about.

She'll tell you what we're talking about.

Enjoy your last minutes in this
room, 'cause we're taking it back!

Yeah, Amber!

I'm sorry.

I don't know what you're...

HEATHER: What are you doing?

This is her day to use conditioner.
That always takes more out of her.

Enough of this charade.
We know you're faking it.

Get up.

Oh, what's wrong, Amber?

Are you all sleepy from
your chronic fatigue?

Maybe I have chronic fatigue, too!

Oh! Ooh! This tissue is so heavy.

Oh, I can't even hold it!

- Ohhhhh!
- Why are you yelling at my sister?

'Cause they're psycho! That's why!

They just barged in here and
started making fun of Amber!

Amber, are you okay?

What kind of horrible people
would try and take advantage

of someone with chronic fatigue syndrome?

No! No, no, no, no, no.

We are not horrible. We're nice!

So, so nice!

I didn't even think about identical twins.

Statistically, they are very rare!

Uh, can I write you a
check for your sadness?

Take the room... really. We don't need it.

We'll be fine anywhere.

You're next to the garbage
chute, so if it starts to smell,

something might be stuck,
and you'll need to use a broom

to push the stinky stuff through.

Oh, and never remove any of the
steel wool sticking out of the walls.

It's not pretty, but it keeps
the rats from getting in.

[men shouting in distance]

Well, you know, [clears
throat] it's not great,

but maybe once we get
all our cute stuff in...

[children shouting]

Okay, I have been nice for over
a week, but enough is enough!

Your kids are out of control!

I tried to be a good neighbor,

but some of us would like to
be able to enjoy our lanais,

but we can't, because no
matter what the time of day,

your kids are out there screaming,

they're jumping, they're yelling!

And can I ask you something?

With all the exercise they're getting,

would it kill you to give
them a full-size cookie?!

Oh, my gosh. I am so sorry.

I know that they're loud,
but what am I supposed to do?

We were in an apartment before this,

and now they're just so
excited to have a yard.

Should I not let them
play in their own backyard?

For the most part,
they're really good kids.

They're just... kids.

[sighs]

[knock on door]

How you doing, guys?

Hey, Mike.

You been enjoying the lanai?

Oh, well, I'm gonna enjoy it for sure

once you guys come over for a barbecue.

- [laughs]
- Right.

I don't know what's funny about that.

I was just inviting you
over, like people do.

Anyway, let's get that
final glaze on the pavers,

and Dave and I will get out of your hair.

No. No, no. You're not in my hair.

And you know what? Forget about the glaze.

I can do that myself, buddy.

Oh.

Then why didn't you call
us and tell us not to come?

Well, I thought...

you know, y-you're welcome to hang out...

like friends do.

Eh.

If you don't need us, I think I'll
just go grab a beer at Jimmy Day's.

Hey, I'll go with you.

Huh. Well...

Next time, then.

[sighs]

It's lonely at the top.

This is the top?

[sighs]

Well, it happened.

I'm officially Old Lady Graber.

It was only a matter of time.

If you're looking for me,
I'll be peering out the window

with my compression socks
rolled down around my ankles.

- [laughter on TV]
- Keep it down in here!

You know, the thing about life is,

it's all about how you look at it.

Sometimes you just got
to take the negatives

and turn them into positives.

Like, my kids are all grown up,

but now I'm lucky enough to
live next to little kids.

So now when I hear
screaming and yelling,

I'm not gonna go all
Old Lady Graber on them.

Nope, I'm gonna think how lucky I am

to be living next to so much joy.

GIRL: I don't want a half a cookie!

I want a full-size cookie!

GIRL #2: Cookie! Cookie!

- Get off!
- It's mine!

- Get off!
- Get off!

[children shouting]

- Cookie!
- Cookie!

[shouting continues]

Hey.

Glad you're back, Kenny.

Yeah, man.

Sorry we commercialized your art.

[sighs]

You know, I think I
like it better this way.

Why has nobody thought of this before?

Think about it... convertible RVs.

What if it rains?

Well, just park under a bridge.

[chuckles]

Man, between that and the grilled cheese,

we're gonna make a fortune.

We are crushing it right now.

[both chuckle]

Yep.

Life really is how you look at it.