The Middle (2009–2018): Season 7, Episode 18 - The Middle - full transcript

Spring break, when everyone
flees the cold winter weather

for the surf, the sand, or,
in our case, the couch.

I think they're gonna love it.

No way. They're gonna list it.

He was very clear he wanted
a finished basement.

Yeah, but after they did
that mold remediation,

there's no way they're gonna list it.

But she's not gonna love
it without that mud room.

I wonder what we would do if our
house was ever on this show.

List it.

Okay, TV off. I have an announcement.



Relax. This is something good.

It turns out Hoosier Baby

placed a fairly big
order with Li'l Rivals.

So, since we have a little extra money,

I thought we should all go on a trip.

You know, someplace nice.

My God.

We're going to Hawaii!

♪ Aloha 'Oe, Aloha 'Oe ♪

No, no. It's... It's... It's not Hawaii.

It's Mammoth Cave, Kentucky!

No, come on, trust me,
you're gonna love it.

We used to go when I was a kid,
and we always had a blast.

They got these really great cave tours,



and we'd stay at the Pine Cedar Lodge

with an indoor pool,

and then we'd drive up and spend
a day at Old Fort Harrod.

Well, I guess if they have a fort.

No! Spring break is supposed to
be about hooking up with girls,

not hanging around some stupid cave.

Hey, if your dad says it's gonna be fun,

it'll probably maybe be fun.

And, hey, if the Donahues aren't
busy, maybe they'll join us.

I always told Nancy I would let her know

if we ever decided to go anywhere.

Why do we got to bring the Donahues?

Because if you're gonna
drag me to caves and forts,

I'm gonna need someone to talk to.

That's true. I'm not gonna talk to you.

♪ ♪

Why are we loading everything
into the Donahues' cars?

They offered to drive. Isn't that nice?

No, it's not. We'll take our own car.

Why?

Would you rather make it to Kentucky,

or spend all week in a
ditch waiting for AAA?

I don't think AAA will
come for us anymore.

Frankie, this is supposed
to be our vacation.

Yeah, so just relax

and let the Donahue vacation
karma work for you.

I did, and I feel great 'cause
Nancy is on top of everything.

Well, I'm not letting
Ron do all the driving.

- It's a matter of pride.
- Well, your pride

is leaking transmission fluid
all over the driveway.

So just go limp, Mike. It's happening.

Sean, aren't you bringing anything?

Your MCAT study guide, shampoo...

a razor?

Mom, I'm not into possessions.

You just become a slave to them.

You don't own them, they own you.

Okay, girls in one car,
boys in the other!

Let me tell you... breaking the
cars up into girls and guys

was a great idea.

Girls can talk about girl stuff...

And guys can talk about guy stuff.

Nancy, these caramel corn
balls are delicious.

Glad you like 'em. I
made one for everybody.

Those are Sean's favorite.

At least, I think they are.

I just don't know him anymore.

Listen, it's just a phase.

Yeah?

But did your kids ever
go through the phase

of not wanting to take the MCATs?

They were born in that phase.

But it's not just that.

Sean picked Notre Dame because
he thought it would be

his best shot to get
into a good med school.

But if he doesn't take
his MCATs in April,

he's not gonna get into any med school.

- I don't know what to do, Frankie.
- Well...

I held him in contempt at family court,

and he just stopped showing up.

Well, I hear ya.

My kids don't want to
listen to me, either.

But if somebody else
tells 'em something,

they're all ears.

Yeah, I know.

It... It's almost like they're waiting

for someone else to say it
and then they'll hear it.

Wait a minute.

I'm sorry.

We should talk to each other's kids.

What? What do you mean?

Well, maybe you could talk to Sean.

Y-You know, find out
where his head's at,

see if you can reach his brain
under all of that hair of his.

Well, yeah, sure. I could...
I could talk to him.

Great.

And I can talk to Brick
for you about his thing.

The whispering and whooping?

We've decided to just live with that.

No, the other thing.

That's got to have you worried.

Well, yeah, that would be great

if you talk to him about... that.

Yeah, we definitely don't
approve of... that.

So, we finally arrived
at Pine Cedar Lodge,

and I could see why Mike liked it.

There was a lot of plaid.

Sue, I told you not to order
the six-pound omelet.

Yeah, but if you finish
it in under an hour,

they give you a pin.

Sorry Ron's not here. He
had an early tee time.

He always says he could
live on a golf course,

and I say, "You might have to

if you don't spend more
time with your family."

So, I did a lap around the
property, scoped out the talent.

Good news... It's not a total wasteland.

There's at least two total hotties

who also seem to be stuck
here with their families.

So, what do you say?

Dust off a little "Jerk/Not A Jerk"?

I don't know, man.

Come on. It'll be like the old days.

And we're in Kentucky... we've
never tried it on foreign soil.

What is "Jerk/Not A Jerk"?

Pbht,

it's kind of like good cop/bad
cop but for meeting women.

You see, Sean here goes up
to a lady, acts like a jerk,

then I swoop in, tell
him to leave her alone.

He leaves, the girl is
grateful, I look like a hero,

and... boom... Ice broken.

Sorry, Axl.

I'm just not into the
whole deception thing.

I'm gonna go do some
hot yoga and meditate.

They say when you sweat, a
lot of real truths come out.

Wow, I just want to punch you so bad.

I understand, man.

All right, I'm going
on a tour of the cave.

Who's going with me?

Anybody?

No?

Okay, you're gonna miss it.

You're now in the deepest recess

of the longest cave system in the world.

When I turn off this lamp,

you'll experience a complete
absence of natural light.

Cool.

Frankie, drinking before noon?

It's got pineapple, so
it's basically breakfast.

Well, I talked to Brick for you.

We're actually doing that?

Yeah.

Turns out poor Brick is just
worried about high school.

That's how it manifested itself.

So, is he still doing... it?

He is making a serious effort to stop.

I think you'll notice the difference.

So, have you talked to Sean yet?

Well, you know how it is with Sean.

I mean, you have to pick
just the right moment.

But I will get right on that.

Thanks.

You're such an amazing friend to me.

I remember the day that you moved in.

When I saw your stuff
coming off that moving van,

I thought, ""

But then you just wormed
your way into my heart,

you little heartworm.

Hey, beautiful.

You're a real hot lady.

You make me feel...

stuff.

Are you hungry?

Perhaps my parents can
buy you a sandwich.

And if we wait a half an
hour, we can go swimming.

But we'll have to stay
in the shallow end.

If I can't feel the bottom, I'll panic.

No, thanks. I'm good.

Don't sell yourself short, toots.

You're way better than good.

Hey, is this guy bothering you?

Actually, yeah, he is.

Okay, buddy, hit the bricks.

Let the lady read her book.

Fine. I read that book anyway.

The banker's the killer.

Sorry about that.

Jerks like him give us all a bad name.

Well, thank you.

I'm Sarah.

Axl.

So, you like books?

Yeah. I did until he ruined the ending.

Hey, Brick.

It looks like you're gonna have
to be my jerk again today.

What? No way. What happened to Sarah?

She's got a boyfriend in the military.

Just can't do that to our troops.

No, I'm not gonna do it, Axl.

Okay, Brick, I didn't want to do this,

but if you don't help me, I
might have to tell Cindy

about your sudden penchant
for older ladies.

She'd never believe you.

Besides, after she
kissed that other boy,

she gave me what they
call a "hall pass,"

which, despite the name,

does not give me free
access to the library.

Come on, Brick.

I can't go back to
school and tell everyone

I just hung out with my
family for spring break,

not at least without
hooking up with somebody.

Fine, but I don't know

why you can't just be your own jerk.

- You're a lot better at it.
- Hey, don't try to flatter me now.

Okay, I'm off to Old Fort Harrod.

They're demonstrating a genuine
Civil War cannon today.

Who's coming with?

Nobody?

All right, more fort for me.

Cool.

Hey, Sean.

Look at you, lookin' all peaceful.

Whatcha doing out here all by yourself?

I guess I just felt like getting
away from my family for a while.

Well, yeah, well, I guess I get that.

So, school's good?

Actually, it's great.

I really feel like I'm
changing, you know.

Like really evolving.

Evolving's good.

But my... my parents
don't seem to get that.

They still want me to be

this thing I decided to be when I was 6,

whether I still want that or not.

That's what's so great
about you, Mrs. Heck.

You're just, you know, chill.

Yeah?

I guess I never thought about it.

But the truth is, I am pretty chill.

You listen to your kids, let
'em find their own path.

Like, Axl's never been
that great at school.

You're still proud of him anyway.

That's awesome.

Well, the thing is, Mike and I...

Really, me mostly...
Decided a long time ago

we weren't gonna micromanage our kids.

It might look like we're being
lazy, but it's a choice.

For instance, I have no idea
where my kids are right now.

Brick could be lost in the woods.

But it's up to him to
find his own way home.

See, that's such a great idea.

It is, isn't?

Makes them more self-sufficient.

See, I don't see the need

to go to every school event,
or make my kids' lunches,

or remember their birthdays.

In our house, if you want
something, you speak up.

You don't just get dinner.

Man, I wish my mom
thought more like you.

Well, listen. Parenting's tough.

Just 'cause some of us have
it down better than others,

you can't judge.

But your mom loves you

and she knows how much you
wanted to be a doctor once,

so, you know, why close
the door on that?

Who knows?

You might decide you
want to be one later,

and then you'll regret not
having taken the MCATs.

Yeah, that totally makes sense.

This was such a great talk.
You're so cool, Mrs. Heck.

I am.

I think that's why Sean
responds so well to me...

'cause I'm relaxed and Nancy
kind of smothers him.

Yeah, she's a smotherer.

I mean, I'm just very "chill"...

Sean's word, not mine.

Are you even listening to me?

Sorry, I was right next to the cannon,

and I can't really hear you.

You should've seen this thing, Frankie.

Mike, I'm not done telling you

how I'm a better parent than Nancy.

See, I've always said that
she's very relentless,

and Sean feels choked
'cause she's a choker.

See, some people have an innate
sense of what a kid needs,

and others have this agenda.

I mean, I'm not saying I'm
right and she's wrong,

but whose kid's a hippie

and whose kid has an
internship at Little Betty?

Yeah, sure, Nancy's garage is organized,

but she's destroying her children.

♪ ♪

No way! No way!

No way!

Brad, okay, I'll call you back.

Dad!

I have the most incredible news!

No way!

Okay, I didn't want to tell anyone

because I didn't want to jinx it,

but Brad and I got summer jobs

at Dollywood!

What? How?

The entertainment
committee from the park

came to East Indy,

so Brad drove up and we
auditioned together.

We're gonna be performers!

Ha! Okay, well, Brad is.

He's dancing at the Country
Crossroads stage show.

I will be a hostess

at Aunt Granny's
All-You-Care-To-Eat Buffet.

But I'll get to play a character.

Hang on.

You're talking about living
in Tennessee for the summer?

But don't worry, Dad.

They have condos for all their employees

right there in Pigeon Forge.

They're really just cabins,

but they call 'em condos
'cause it sounds fancier.

Does your mom know about this?

No, no, no. I didn't tell anybody.

Do you not understand how jinxing works?

I don't know, Sue. I don't like this.

It's in a different state with
strange people in condos.

You won't be home all summer.

I'm not paying for it.

Yeah, I know, Dad.

I-I-I got all that figured out.

I will be making double
what I made at Spudsy's,

so it won't cost you anything.

Plus, the best part...

I won't be smelling
like potatoes anymore.

I'll smell like fried chicken.

It's not about the money.

What do we even know
about this Dolly Parton?

I'm sorry, Sue, but I'm
gonna have to say no.

I-I'm sorry, Dad.

But I wasn't really
asking your permission.

I was just kind of letting you know.

If I wanted to protect my
friendship with Nancy,

I knew I had to get to Shelly
before she ratted me out.

Hi, Shelly. Having fun?

You know, sometimes
adults say silly things

that kids don't understand,

like when they talk about mortgages

or other people's parenting skills.

You might think you get it,

but your brain hasn't actually
developed the capacity for irony yet.

In fact, your head's
probably still soft.

If I touched it right now,

my finger would probably
go right through it.

Not that I will.

The important thing is just not
to say anything to your mom

about anything you may
or may not have heard.

Okay? We cool?

I don't have anyone to
play "Marco Polo" with.

Marco...

So, given the choice
between an atomic wedgie

and another round of "Jerk/Not a Jerk,"

Brick chose the latter.

Hey, sorry.

Is this guy bugging you?

No, he's actually being really sweet.

I mean, I thought I was the
biggest "Planet Nowhere" nerd,

but Brick here can name

every Silligan officer
in the Pernovian Fleet.

Wow.

Marco? Marco?

After three hours of
playing "Marco Polo"

and never finding Shelly,

but inappropriately touching
a couple of old guys

and making their day, I was done.

Look, Shelly. This was really fun.

So fun.

So, I guess the only thing your
mom is gonna hear about today

is how much fun we had, right?

You know, your room has
a really nice view.

She was telling me about Dollywood.

Not asking, telling.

Is that what it is now?

I'm the guy that gets told things?

Mike, she's going to Dollywood
to sing and dance with Brad.

Other than becoming a nun,
that's as safe as it gets.

Grab your toothbrush.

Why we switching rooms again?

Because I'm being blackmailed
by an 11-year-old.

She said we'd be square
if we traded rooms,

and I need to be square.

Nancy is our neighbor, our friend.

And, by the way, have you tasted
her caramel popcorn balls?

We never should've let Sue
go to East Indy State.

We should've sent her to a school

where they teach kids to
listen to their parents.

Yeah, the University of
Listening to Your Parents

has a really long waiting list.

I mean, Mike, she's 19.
She's covering the costs.

What is the problem?

I can't believe you're okay with this.

Well, of course I'm gonna miss her,

but for Sue, I think
this is a good thing.

I mean, she's always been
a little more clingy,

which of course I love,

but I've been worried that she's
never gonna leave on her own,

so the fact that she wants to do this,

I think we should encourage her.

Yeah, well, maybe you're all
free-wheeling and chill,

but I'm not.

So what're you gonna do?
Punish her for getting a job?

Make her sit in the corner

and write "I will not work for
Dolly Parton" a thousand times?

I don't know, but I'm
gonna do something.

I'm not gonna stop being her
dad just 'cause she's 18.

- 19.
- Whatever. She's still a kid.

And I'll tell you something else.

She's coming with me to see that
rock that looks like a buffalo.

So is everybody else in this
family 'cause I said so.

My God, it's her.

Hey, Nance.

Hey, what are you wearing
to the dance tonight,

the black thing or the blue thing?

The blue.

Okay.

Hey, have you talked to Sean?

'Cause I got it done...
He's taking the MCATs.

Yay.

Yes, and I want to thank you, Frankie.

I just don't want to smother
you with my gratitude.

That's right.

Shelly told me you
called me a smotherer.

What? No, no, no, no.

Smother? She must've misheard me.

I think I said, "Wow, that
Nancy is some mother."

So-mother. See?

It sounds kind of like "smother."

Kids are really bad with diphthongs.

It's so hot in here.

What, are they raising iguanas?

What were we talking about?

How kids lie. How old is Shelly? 11?

Can you really trust them at that age?

And what was she doing in a bar?

That's a little bit weird.

I'm not blaming you.

It's just what kids do to get attention.

They... They lie, start fires.

Frankie, it... it's okay.

I'm not mad.

Really?

Look, people talk about each other.

It's what we do.

But the thing is,

deep in your heart, I know you love me,

and I love you, too.

I mean, hello!

You're like a sister to me.

I am?

Of course.

And no matter what, I could
never stay mad at my sister.

Get over here.

Come on, let's go get a couple
of those pineapple drinks.

Let's do that, and I'm buying.

Ooh, you know what else they had?

Watermelon Daiquiris.
Doesn't that sound good?

I think I'm gonna try that one.

My... My goodness, Frankie!

What happened?

Did you push me?

No. I think you slipped.

See this spot right here? Very slippery.

My goodness. Let's get you out of there.

Did I really slip, or did Nancy push me?

I kind of hope she pushed me.

Because that would mean
maybe, just maybe,

there's a little sliver of Nancy

that's down in the gutter
with the rest of us.

It's open.

Listen, Sue, I'm sorry, but...

You ready to go?

Yeah. Okay.

My God, Dad, you were so right.

This place is awesome,

especially the rock that
looked like a buffalo.

Mike had so much he was going to say,

but in that moment, he
couldn't say anything

'cause he knew he might be able

to stop a girl from going to Dollywood,

but he couldn't stop a woman.

May I cut in?

Aww.

Okay, Brick, no more tricks.

You see that blonde in the corner?

I'm gonna need you to go over there

and bring your d-bag "A" game.

Axl, I don't get this.

You're always great with women.

You have so many moves.
Why do you even need me?

I don't know.

I'm just kind of in a
slump or something.

Okay, here's the thing.

A couple weeks ago, I saw
Devin with some skater guy,

and she was all, like, laughing
and throwing her hair back.

You know how girls do that?

No. Cindy never laughs.

But I thought you and Devin broke up.

Well, I kind of thought we
did, but I-I wasn't sure.

The whole conversation
was very confusing.

I guess in the back of my mind,

I always figured we'd work it out.

But now it seems like she's moved on.

So when I go back to East Indy,
it's just gonna be weird.

I'm sorry. Did you say
you go to East Indy?

My cousin goes there.

Okay.

Do you know Zachary Paul?

I'm sorry. That's dumb.

Of course you don't.
That's a huge campus.

Yeah, that is kind of dumb.

I mean, no, no, no. You're not dumb.

I don't... It's huge.
I mean, the campus.

The campus is huge!

And you're not dumb.
You're smart, probably.

I mean, I don't really know you, but...

Hey, sweetcakes.

What's a guy got to do to get
a stinkin' refill of Sprite?

Hey.

Sorry, hey, is this guy being a jerk?

Beat it, kid I don't know.
Scram! Skedaddle! Scoot!

I'm sorry, you said Zachary Paul, right?

Yeah, sure, I know that guy.

Kind of short, stocky, reddish hair,

always wears a Pacers cap?

Not even close.

On any of it?

Well, you got the "guy" part right.

Okay. Let me see. I'm gonna get this.

Um!

Tall, shaved head, gold earring.

No, wait, that's Mr. Clean.

That was our last family
vacation with the Donahues,

'cause the next year
they went to Hawaii.

And while they were gone,

I may or may not have
backed over Shelly's bike.