The Middle (2009–2018): Season 7, Episode 17 - The Wisdom Teeth - full transcript

Is it wrong that I'm excited

about our kids getting
their wisdom teeth out?

I wouldn't go wide with it.

I just think it'll be fun to
have Sue and Axl trapped here,

you know, all needy and in pain.

Wait, that doesn't sound right.

It's just... remember when they
were little and our prisoners?

Well, not our prisoners, but...

But before they could hop the baby gate.

Yeah.

And the were all squishy and helpless,



and we could just love on
them whenever we wanted to.

Yeah, that was more your thing.

Why am I even here?

Why are you making me do this?

My teeth feel totally fine.

Look, we knew you were gonna have to

get your wisdom teeth out,

and it's better to do it
now before it starts hurting.

Plus, I get a 40% discount
at Smile Superstars,

and you never know
when I'm gonna be fired.

My spring breaks always suck.

Not this time... I'm
gonna take care of you.

I'm gonna bring you soup

and make your favorite
lime-green Jell-O.



Oh, my God, that's Brick's favorite.

It's always all about him!

Not so fast.

Every time you two
come home from college,

you think you can just breeze in,

and everything goes
back to the way it was.

Well, things have changed.

There's a new sheriff in
town, and his name is Brick.

Now, here's how it's gonna go down.

One... I now have first
dibs on the bathroom

during the peak hours of 7:00 to 9:00.

Two... I control the
remote, trumped only by Dad.

It goes Dad, me, you two... Then Mom.

Three... I'm not sitting in
the lawn chair at meals anymore.

Whatever. It doesn't matter. We...

I believe I was talking.

And four... "The Dukes
of Hazzard" beach towel

is no longer my bath towel.

Mom bought me a real bath towel.

You two may now choose between the Dukes

and the scratchy one that
used to line the bunny's cage.

So, that's how it's gonna be
from now and hitherto forthwith.

You're adorable.

Missed you.

So, when my teeth come out,

there's not gonna be
any shifting, right?

Because I've been told
I have spongy bone.

Also, I pronate a little when I run.

Oh, and if anything happens
to me during surgery,

do not allow my brother
to freeze my head.

Too late... already cleared out
a space next to my Hot Pockets.

Okay, so, just sit tight,

and the doctor should be in in a minute.

Just to be clear, I
get the people doctor.

This one's gonna need a vet.

Tell you what... I've
got an older brother, too.

How about I do you a favor
and put him to sleep first?

Big problemo, Mike.

Marlene's back in town.

You got to hide me.

Why? She's not pregnant, is she?

Well, no. Why?

You guys have a thing
on the side or something?

- What?
- Oh.

No, it's just, uh, she
caught me at Dad's yesterday,

and she really laid into me.

She was like, "You're
the worst ex-husband ever.

You're not forwarding my mail.

The diaper business belongs to me.

You took the good tire off my car."

She was... Wait, wait, wait, back up.

It's true, Mike.

I... I don't forward her mail.

No, after that.

Why would she say the diaper
business belongs to her?

Oh. Oh, well, you know women.

Yeah, they... They're
always so possessive.

What with that and it
being her idea and all.

Her idea?

What the hell are you talking about?

You know what? I don't think
hiding me is such a good idea.

I wish we could just switch faces.

You know, like in that movie.

I can't put my finger on it.

I want to say, uh,
"Cinema Paradiso," is it?

Are you telling me that the
diapers were Marlene's idea?

Uh, oh, yeah.

But don't worry about that.

I got another winner
brewing, and it's all mine.

It's the human hand back scratcher.

I know a fella who
works down in the morgue,

and he can get me buckets of hands.

And the great thing is the
nails keep growing after you die.

That's a true story.

Remember when we were little

and I stopped you from
drinking that Mop & Glo?

Yeah.

Kind of regretting that right now.

I wouldn't worry about it, Mike.

She was pretty drunk yesterday.

I bet she doesn't remember a thing.

That might be her.

Morning, sleepy head. Mommy's here.

You're all done. It went great.

Where did I keep my

You've got gauze in
your mouth, sweetheart.

I can't understand you.

Why is Julia Roberts here?

Did Julia Roberts do my surgery?

That's not Julia Roberts, honey.

I work with her.

You work with Julia Roberts?

Let's get my little
chickies back in the nest.

Oh.

All right, here we go, honey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, yeah. That's so nice.

Oh, just lean on me, honey.

That's right, Mommy's got you.

- Thank you, Mommy.
- Aww.

Look, Marlene, I got to tell you,

I'm a little confused
about what's going on here.

What's confusing?

Rusty stole my heart, my
virginity, and my idea.

No, wait, that's wrong.

It was just heart and idea.

Yeah, look, I'm trying
to keep my cool here,

so can you guys just walk me through

how exactly you figure
this is your idea?

Well, she wanted to
get something to eat,

so we decided to buy a lottery ticket.

And then we won.

Except it turns out that
to officially get the money,

you need to have more
than one number correct.

What does this have
anything to do with anything?

Well, Mr. Impatient.

Then we went home, and
she came up with the idea.

Sheesh, sure know how to
wreck a story, don't you?

Yeah. I'm on to you, Mike.

I want my share.

You tried to cut me out, but you can't.

I'm gonna stick to you like
pasties on a stripper's boob.

I'm...

Look, I know it's not obvious

from my palatial surroundings here,

but we're barely turning a profit.

We're not making money on this.
We're putting money into it.

You two think I'm an
idiot? I seen "Dateline."

I know about your offshore accounts.

How'd she find out about
the offshore accounts?

We don't even have onshore accounts.

Look, she's obviously got us.

I say we move on to the
human hand back scratcher.

Now, turn around, and I'm
gonna scratch your back

with my hand and a piece of wood.

You tell me which feels better.

I'll hold my hand so it seems dead.

It'll be like the Pepsi Challenge

but with dead hands.

Come on!

Okay, I thought that when we get home,

we can all snuggle up and
watch the copy of "Free Willy"

that we "forgot" to
return to the video store

before it went out of business.

Ooh, and I dug up

all the arts and crafts
stuff from the basement.

We are gonna have so much fun
together this week, I promise.

- Hm.
- Thank you for your service.

Thank you for your service.

Na, na, na, na, na, na

Batman

Hey. There's something in my mouth.

Yeah, honey, that's
supposed to be there.

Just leave it.

It's gauze.

Why is there gauze in my mouth?

Why would Julia Roberts do that to me?

Sue. Sue, sweetie, put that back in.

What are you doing?

I want to get them on tape
agreeing to my new terms.

Axl, Sue, repeat after me.

We agree that Brick has
total control over the house,

and we are merely visitors.

Visitors, visitors, visitors.

Isn't it weird how if you repeat
a word over and over again,

it loses its meaning?

Plaid, plaid, plaid.

Shh! Everybody, this is important.

Did I say anything?

Come on, guys. We agree...

Brick, now just stop it. Put it away.

It's not nice to take advantage of them

when they're all drugged up.

Ooh, wait. Ask Axl if
he's dating anyone first.

Oh, and find out if he's the
one that took my tweezers.

You're nice.

I am?

Mm-hmm. You're a good person

'cause I say mean things all
the time and you just smile.

You're nice.

So nice

'cause you do things
for people, and I don't.

Sometimes I need a fork,
and you get it for me.

And that's why you're
gonna succeed in life...

'cause you get people forks.

When you say you need
a fork, I just say,

"Why? You can eat out of your dog bowl."

Who does that?

I mean, I'm a jerk.

You're nice, and I love you.

Really?

True dat, sista.

I really do.

Oh, my God.

You have gauze in your mouth, too.

They're doing it to everybody.

Hey, guys.

Who's up for Mom's
famous raspberry Jell-O?

See? Brick's lime, you're raspberry.

I remember.

Knock, knock.

Oh, hey, Brad.

I'm not sure the kids are
up for visitors right now.

Oh, this is not a
social visit, Mrs. Heck.

My latest AmeriCorps gig has
me working at a nursing home,

so my caretaking skills are on point.

I brought Jell-O in dinosaur shapes.

Although, when I go to
the old people's home

I cut them in the
shape of grandchildren.

- But I alre...
- Oh, tch, tch, tch!

Don't worry, Mrs. Heck.

Think of this like "Downton Abbey"

and I'm one of the basement people.

You won't have to do a thing.

And I didn't.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Here's your soup.

Now, let me just fluff your pillow

so you can sit up and eat.

Got it Mrs. Heck.

Now, the secret is to
fluff from the bottom up.

See how I'm doing it here?

Mm-hmm.

What's that?

Oh, it's my nana's
famous soup from Italy.

Oh, I already gave them
my famous soup from a can.

I could make it from scratch,
but they won't have it.

They like the tinny taste.

Reminds them of when they were
little... memories, you know.

Oh.

Oh, my God, this is
what soup tastes like?

I had no idea.

Hey, guys.

Look what I found in the basement.

Who's up for a little Sand Art?

Shh! Brad's doing improv games.

It's incredible.

You just give him an
occupation and location,

and then he does it.

It's better than watching TV.

Watch. Okay, Brad, now
you're a pizza maker.

In outer space.

Got it.

Oh, when will this pie come-a down?

Why'd I open a pizza
parlor on-a Mars-a?

This place has-a no atmosphere.

Uh, Brad, can I see you in
the kitchen for a minute?

Oh, but-a
Mrs. Heck-a...

Now.

- Oh.
- What?

- Boo.
- Boo.

Here's the thing, Brad.

The whole Mary Poppins thing
you have going is great,

but I can tell the kids are tired.

I know Sue wants to sleep,

and she doesn't want
to hurt your feelings.

Oh. Well, I'll go ask her.

No! Don't ask her.

We don't want her to talk.

See, I'm a dental expert,

and they do say 48 hours on the couch.

Oh, and no friends around.
That's kind of a biggie.

It was a test question.

I remember 'cause I got it right.

Oh. All right.

I guess I could go.

Right after we play a
quick game of Old Maid.

The cards are pop star-themed,

so Britney Spears is the Old Maid.

Trippy, right?

- Get out.
- What?

I'm gonna give you a
location... Not here.

And your occupation is man leaving.

Oh, okay.

I'll keep the soup.

Well, that's just
great. Brad wore them out

so they fell asleep halfway
through "Free Willy."

I pinched them a couple
times to try to wake them up,

but they were out.

Boy, you try to be a good mom.

So, I talked to your third
cousin Jean, the paralegal.

Oh, yeah? What did you find out?

It's not good, Frankie.

If Marlene came up with
the idea and told Rusty,

it's something called implied contract.

She could sue us.

Yeah, but would she really?

It's Marlene. She's crazy.

She'll probably forget
all about it tomorrow.

Yeah, but what if she doesn't?

I sunk every penny we
had into this business.

Remember that jar of pennies

that used to be sitting right here?

You know why it's not here now?

It's in the business.

So, if we ever start
seeing some real profits,

she could come back at any
time and try to claim it.

In a month, a year, whenever.

But that is so unfair.

You're the one that
made a working prototype.

You made the sales calls.
You found a distributor.

You made a Twitter.

This has been a second job for you.

And now she can just come and take it?

No, I say we fight this, Mike.

We fight this the way we fought

that whole healthy
snack thing in preschool.

The next day, Sue and
Axl were feeling better,

but that just gave them
more energy to argue.

Give it.

Actually, I believe the
person who's going to pick

what to watch is me.

And we are going to watch "How
the States Got Their Shapes."

I want to find out why
Tennessee is a parallelogram.

- No way.
- Ugh!

Oh, I think we are. I
have a verbal agreement.

What are you talking about?

I recorded you and Sue on
the way home from the dentist.

You agreed to all my terms.

I'm in charge now. Listen.

Visitors, visitors, visit...

No, that's not it.

and you just smile.

You're nice.

So nice.

No, I think it's after this.

No, no, no, wait, go back.

- What was what?
- What?

That thing Axl said.

Oh, that's when he was telling
you how much he loves you.

You don't remember?

- No.
- That never happened.

It didn't even sound like me.

'Cause you do things
for people and I don't.

Sometimes I need a fork,
and you get it for me.

You taped me without telling... Illegal.

Entrapment... turn it off.

- No!
- You're nice, and I love you.

Ah! Turn it off, turn it off!

Oh, my God.

I can't believe you said that.

That is the nicest
thing I've ever heard.

I think I'm gonna cry.

No, seriously, seriously,
I think I'm gonna cry.

No, you're not 'cause that
video is totally bogus.

No, it's not.

You meant it.

When your defenses were down,

you weren't afraid to
tell me that you loved me.

Axl, that is so sweet!

That is so gone!

Deleted. No!

My verbal agreement!

Axl, why would you do that?

'Cause you were gonna
make it your ring tone

or post it to Instagram

or something embarrassing like that.

I would not!

Maybe I wanted it because it was nice,

and maybe I wanted it just for me.

But no, you had to ruin it
because you ruin everything.

Gah!

Okay, paralegal says we got
to get her to sign a waiver

and release form giving up
all claim to the company.

So, we got to just reason with her.

With her, the trick is to be charming.

It's like that prince...
What's his name?

He's really charming.

- Prince Charming.
- Prince...

Phillip... Prince Phillip.

Okay, that's fine. You charm her, okay?

The important thing
is that this ends today

'cause we don't want her
coming back, not ever.

Not ever... wait a minute.

You want to kill her?

No, Rusty.

What I'm saying is you
used to be married to her,

so try to take advantage
of whatever creepy spark

attracted you in the first place.

Oh, I see where you're going with this.

You want me to marry her again,

take her to the Grand
Canyon for our honeymoon.

- No.
- Pose for a quick photo on the edge,

and then oops... Just
another selfie gone bad.

I like it.

Plus, I've never been to
the Grand Canyon, so win-win.

No, Rusty. We're not gonna murder her.

Oh, right, yes. We
already all heard you.

Not murdering her.

Look, hey.

I'll do all the talking
about the business.

You just take care of

doing whatever it is
that she likes you to do.

Got it?

Got it. Uh-oh, I think she lawyered up.

I'm pretty sure that's not her lawyer.

That's her lawyer.

Hey.

I brought backup in case
you decided to murder me.

That's ridiculous.

This is my associate, Daphne.

I'm named after the
hot one in "Scooby Doo."

Okay.

Um, I didn't think it was
gonna be a social thing.

I thought we were gonna talk business.

Smart thinking.

If we do it here, we
can write off our drinks.

I saw that on "The Good Wife."

You know who was the good wife... you.

Remember that divorce we had?

All my fault.

I guess what I'm trying to say is,

you got great boobs.

Mmm!

Well, guess that just leaves us.

Hey!

I want to talk to you.

I think in the past, I
would have let everything go

because I am a very positive person,

but this is the year of Sue 2.0.

So I'm just gonna say it.

I am really upset you
deleted that video.

Seriously?

That was like eight
hours ago. Get over it.

I just don't get it, Axl.

What is so embarrassing about
saying you love your sister?

Would you just leave me alone?

I'm trying to take a nap.

No, you are 22 years old, Axl.

Are you ever gonna grow out of this?

What?

I mean, are you afraid
of being vulnerable?

Oh! Make it stop.

Ooh, that's it. Isn't it, Axl?

You hide behind your little
quips and your little digs,

but you know what I
think? I think you're nice.

- Pffft!
- I think you're sweet...

- No.
- And loving

and a caring person

who has feelings of
affection for his family.

And you just don't want
anyone else to know it.

I'm not listening to this anymore.

No.

You need to face yourself, Axl.

I am your mirror.

Look at me and face me.

If you were my mirror, I'd kill myself.

Aaah! See?

Why did you say that?

I know you love me.

You love Brick.

You love our family.

Why do you think you come
home from college all the time?

Do you really need to
do that much laundry?

No, you are coming home
because you miss us,

and you want to be here.

Say it, Axl. Say you love me.

No. Would you just stop it? Let me go.

There's nowhere else
to even go. Just say it!

What?

Well, apparently, this is what
Axl left me to dry off with.

I don't know why I ever thought

I'd have any power in this house.

So disappointing.

Hey, you're a Heck.

Disappointment is your birthright.

- Hm.
- Here, dip some of these flowers.

They're fun.

They're from before the
government banned chemicals.

Sure, why not?

You know, I get it, Brick.

I was so looking forward
to the kids' dental surgery.

It was gonna be a fun time for me.

Remember when Axl broke his collarbone?

That was such a good week.

You know, I thought this
was Elvis, but it's an eagle.

Hm.

Hello.

Oh, hey. How's it going with Marlene?

Not good.

I think I'm on a double date.

What?

Yeah, Marlene brought some
crazy boozehound with her,

and she's nuts. She's all over me.

Well, you be nice to her.

Dance with her,

ask her questions about
herself, be charming.

Kiss her on the mouth if you have to.

Just get that thing signed.

Oh, and grab some bar napkins.

We're out of toilet paper.

Mike, listen.

Don't be mad, but I
don't think I want to

do your "killing her" plan anymore.

Rusty...

Hey, you may not know
this because of your wife,

but women can be very seductive.

Kissing Marlene made me realize

I still have that old spark for her.

We were in the bathroom
stall and she was pulling...

I do not need to know!

You know what? I've had enough of this.

I'm done messing around.
I'm gonna lay it on the line.

Marlene, let's talk.

There's nothing to talk
about. It's my company.

Yeah, look.

We put a lot of work,
not to mention money

into starting that business.

And could you not do that maybe?

'Cause I want to talk to Marlene.

If you don't get more fun,

I'm not gonna take you
home to meet my son.

Okay.

Look, you can sweet-talk me
all you want, but it was my idea

for people to wear a
diaper to a sporting event.

And if you've got some problem
with women in the workplace,

I might have to let you go.

You can't fire me 'cause that's...

Wait, what was your idea?

I missed three rounds of cage fighting

'cause I was stuck in the bathroom.

So I told Rusty

next time we should wear
diapers to the match.

That's it? That's all you said?

Well, who thought about

the putting sports teams'
logos on babies' diapers?

Oh, that was all me. That was me.

Are you kidding me?

I stayed up all night
worrying about this,

and all Marlene said was

she wanted to wear a diaper
to a stupid cage fight?

If it wasn't for me,

Rusty wouldn't have even
been thinking about diapers.

Maybe, but that's two
very different things.

And if you like, I can get

my wife's third cousin, who's
a paralegal, on the phone,

and she'd be very happy
to explain that to you.

Tell you what, Marlene.

I'm gonna be very
generous with you here.

This is $37 and change

for you to walk away for good.

And that is more profit than
you'd ever see from Li'l Rivals.

Best 37 bucks I ever spent.

Called your cousin Jean,
she said everything's good.

She said to say hi to Lorraine?

Well, I can see no one agreed
to my lawn-chair demands either.

Fine.

Potato me.

- Thank you.
- Mmhmm.

And we don't have worry
about Marlene anymore.

I don't think so.

I don't think there will be
any sign of her in the future.

Okay, I got the best idea.

Mashed potatoes in between
two circles of Jell-O.

Mm? Mashed Po-Jell-O sandwich.

I'm in.

Sue, are you crying? Why are you crying?

Axl gave me a fork.

I thought she was off the painkillers.

So, spring break didn't turn
out how I thought it would.

I didn't get to spend
time with Axl and Sue,

but I did get to spend time with Brick.

Sometimes you think
you're getting an Elvis,

but you end up with an eagle.

And eagles are pretty great, too.

This huge... whoa!

Ow.

That's okay, honey. Mommy's here.