The Middle (2009–2018): Season 7, Episode 13 - Floating 50 - full transcript

[ Crow caws ]

Oh, my God.
That service was endless.

Why doesn't
church have half time

or at least time-outs?

Hey, none of us wanted to go
to dottie's confirmation,

but the donahues
showed up for ours,

so we had to go
to theirs.

That's just
the way it works.

Mom, when was
my confirmation?

Crap on a cracker.

Oh, wait.
Brick didn't get confirmed?



[ Laughs ]
Brick's going to hell!

Dad crashes his car right now,
brick goes straight to hell.

Really?!
Is that true?!

Nobody's going to hell.
We're already in hell.

Look, we're just cranky
because we're hungry.

Let's stop and pick up a pizza
at dom raggano's.

[ All groan ]

Frankie,
that place is expensive.

Plus they got
all those gross toppings.

Who puts spinach
on a pizza?

It's un-American.

You just don't appreciate it
'cause it's good.

They use real cheese.

Cissy layton from
"good morning, Orson" loves it.



Yeah, well, this might be
brick's last meal

before he goes to hell.

Axl, it was mom who forgot
my confirmation, not me.

God will take that
into account.

Dad, just to be safe,
could you watch your speed?

Fine, I won't get any
froofy toppings,

but I at least
want to get pineapple.

Don't start, mom!

I'm not starting
anything.

Look, I really want
dom raggano's, okay?

My 50th birthday
was two months ago,

and I never got a present,
so consider this my gift --

one measly half a pie
with pineapple on it.

But there's three of us
who don't like pineapple.

It's not exactly fair for you,
who's just one person,

to get half the pie.

Fine,
a quarter pineapple.

[ Both groan ]

One slice of pineapple!

The pineapple
doesn't stay contained.

It always leaks onto
the pieces next to it.

Hey, I'm 50 years old.

I shouldn't have to fight
to get the pizza I want.

When we said we were gonna float
my birthday, did I complain?

Well, you're kind of
complaining now.

You just floated
the complaining.

All right, all right, no more
ganging up on your mom.

This is obviously some kind of
big deal to her,

so let's just go there
and get it over with.

♪♪

Frankie:
Where axl probably used

the washing machine
at school once,

sue actually
enjoyed doing laundry.

The busted
fluorescent light bulb

felt familiar, like home.

[ Electricity humming ]

[ Door hinges creak ]
[ Sighs ]

[ Electricity humming ]

Nurse those pops
'cause once they're gone,

you're having tap water
with your pizza.

Mom, dad, what are some things
you think I can't do?

You can't do anything
with your hair.

You can't rock tennis shoes.
You can't go to heaven.

Okay, slow down.
I just need one.

What do you mean
you just need one?

We're having
an "i can't" ceremony at school.

Oh, no. Is that something
we have to go to?

No,
it's an in-school ritual

to help kids
build a positive attitude.

We're each supposed to write
"i can't" on a piece of paper

along with something we can't do
and then bury it in a hole.

I can't believe
they're doing this crap.

You know who's
not burying words?

The Chinese.

I know there's lots of things
i can't do.

I can't read
two books at once.

I can't put on a winter coat

unless I lay it
on the floor first.

I can't touch sandpaper
without sneezing.

But I'm supposed to find one

that affects my life
significantly

and then actually do it.

I think we're tiptoeing around
the elephant in the car here.

I'll just say it.
You can't do sports.

I'll never
be able to do sports.

I just want to pick something
simple I could bang out quick.

Yeah, or maybe thinking
you can't do sports

is what's holding you back
from doing sports.

Hey, you've already
got an athlete.

I don't know why you two
are always trying

to turn your other two
loser kids into me.

You got a winner
living right under your roof,

and that winner
is hungry.

Mom, pass the pizza.

I don't have the pizza.
Your dad had the pizza.

No, I just carried it
from the place.

And when I got
to the car...

[ Tires screech ]
...I put it on the roof!

Nuts!

[ Dinging ]

Damn it!

Mom,
i can't believe this!

Why didn't you tell dad
about the pizza?

It's 'cause of
the pineapple thing.

She made him
break his routine.

[ Tires squealing ]

What are you doing?

Mike:
Going back for the pizza.

What?

Hey, it was expensive.

I'm not eating
highway pizza.

It might not be
on the highway.

It may still be
in the parking lot.

Oh, fingers crossed

'cause parking-lot pizza
is so much better.

It might still be
in the box.

This is insane! We are not
having this conversation.

What if it's not in the box,
but still face-up?

I'll allow it.

We're not doing this!

Frankie, you wouldn't
throw $24 out the window

and not go back for it.

Okay, so this is
the family we are now?

We eat food off the road?

If we do this,
we are losing the one thing

that separates us
from possums!

Is this how low
we've sunk?

I feel like
we've sunk lower.

Nothing comes to mind,
but I know we have.

[ Cawing ]

Oh, my God.
This is the worst day ever.

Now mom has to
cook us something.

Yeah.

"I can't do algebra."

[ Applause ]

"I can't digest dairy."

[ Applause ]

I can't live on a high-school
coach's salary alone.

"I can't do sports."

Okay. It's getting
cold out here, huh?

There we go.

[ Sighs ]

[ Applause ]

And so we say goodbye
to our "i can'ts."

Now let's go celebrate
with cookies and milk.

Boy: All right!

I know.
You don't have to have it.

Heck,
I've been watching you,

and I'm sorry to say it's gonna
take a lot more than this

airy-fairy ceremony
to turn you into an athlete.

But it's your lucky day.

Your "i can't" falls right into
my "i can" area.

Hmm.

So, what do you say?

You gonna let ol' tink
make a jock out of you?

Others have tried.
Take your best shot.

Oh, I will.

There's nothing
tink can't win...

Unless it's
her father's approval,

which, uh -- that's a story
for another day.

[ Both laugh ]

Guys, we got to talk.

I was studying.
It was broken when I found it.

Relax,
nobody's in any trouble.

I was just thinking,
your mom turned 50,

and we didn't do squat.

We just floated it,
like we do everything else,

and I'm feeling
kind of crappy about it.

So I'm thinking
we can't let parking-lot pizza

be her birthday present.

I want to do something
big for her.

Like take her to France?

Not that big.

Take her to arby's?

Somewhere between
France and arby's.

That's our target.

I was thinking
maybe a surprise party.

But how would it be a surprise
if she's planning it?

Don't be dumb.

Obviously, she's not planning
her own surprise party.

Sue will do it.

Yeah,
I'm not gonna tell sue.

I like
where your head's at,

but I think
mom may want her there.

No, I just mean
we hold off telling sue

until closer to the day.

She's not great
at keeping surprises.

Besides,
we can handle this.

But I've got too much
on my plate already.

I carved out 15 minutes
of study time on a Tuesday!

That's how busy I am.

You'll make the time.

I'm gonna call and invite over
a bunch of her friends.

Oh, no!
I can't do small talk!

Oh, I should have put that.
Yeah.

Come on, guys.
I want to do this.

We got some extra money
from the diapers,

so let's do something
nice for her.

You know, we really got
our asses handed to us

for mother's day.

So if we can pull this off,
she'd never see it coming.

Wait, so, all we have to do
is be better than mother's day?

Which one
are we talking about?

Yellow pants, expired gift card,
or loose change in a baggie?

Somehow, we got to top
all of those.

We're gonna give her hugs.

We're gonna have a six-foot sub,
some boxes of the good wine.

I'm gonna fix the light
on the front porch.

Should we get, like,
decorations or something?

Now you're talking.
What kind?

[ Sighs ]

A balloon.

You can't get
just one balloon.

It's her 50th.
Got to get at least two.

Mm.
And we can get streamers.

Nah, I don't want
to deal with paper.

What if we got a banner
with old people jokes,

like, um,
"you're over the hill,"

or, uh,
"halfway to the grave"?

No. While that might be true,
we're trying to be nice.

I'll just pick up some stuff
from the party store.

And, axl, you're in charge
of ordering the sub.

Okay.

What do we get on it?

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

[ Chuckles ]
What's so funny?

Oh, some noob put up a sign
for a lost sock.

What?!
That is so lame.

Did they find it?

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughs ]

All right,
here's all your ball sports.

Okay, go ahead, pick them up,
test them out.

See which one
you spark to.

That's a ball, heck.

You're not looking for
a ripe melon.

Hmm.

[ Sniffs ]

Mm.

Look, we only have
45 minutes of study hall left.

I like this one.

That's a ball pump.

I like the way it feels
on my face.

♪♪

[ Whistling ]

[ Cellphone beeps ]

[ Cellphone ringing ]

Dad?
Uh, is everything okay?

Why are you calling me?
You never call me.

What? I call you.

Hey, listen,
i was thinking

you might want to come home
this weekend.

Just tell me who died.
I can handle it.

No, I can't! Oh, my God,
i loved them so much!

Who was it?!

Everyone's fine.
Look, here's the deal.

I decided that we floated your
mom's 50th birthday long enough,

so we're throwing her a little
surprise party tomorrow.

[ Gasps ]
Oh! Oh! We are?

Oh, that's so exciting!

[ Gasps ] Who's coming?
Can we have a theme?

She likes the ocean.

Oh, wait, how are we gonna
plan a whole party in one day?

Well, your brothers and I have
been working on it for a while.

We didn't tell you 'cause
we were worried you
might blow the surprise.

What?!
Why would you think that?

Damn pocket knife's broke.
I need a new one.

[ Squealing ]

Happy Birthday.

Sorry.

Well, if this is for mom,
i am so there.

Mm, this is gonna be
so much fun!

[ Cellphone beeps ]

[ Gasps ] Oh, wait, dad,
mom's on the other line.

[ Whimpers ]

Don't pocket-knife this,
sue.

I won't. I won't.

I got it. Hang on.

[ Exhales deeply ]

[ Clears throat ]

Hey, mom!

What up...Mom?

Hi, honey.
What you doing?

Nothing. Nothing.
Not doing anything.

Not planning anything,
that's for sure.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, good,
'cause I miss my sue.

I was hoping maybe you could
come home this weekend.

Uhhhh, this weekend?

Um, i-i -- no, I can't.
I have so much to do.

I-i-I'm not going anywhere.

I'm just gonna stay in my room
the whole time studying.

I'm probably
not even gonna sleep. Pfft!

But I thought you said
you weren't doing anything.

I wasn't when you called,
but I'm about to be.

Yeah.

I have two huge tests,
probably some pop quizzes,

a lab, a couple seminars.

[ Chuckles ]

Oops. I have a non-family member
on the other line. Please hold.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Mom wants me to come home
for the weekend.

Well, tell her you'll come home.
Just don't mention the party.

I can't! That's not the story
i constructed.

I am so bad at this.

You're getting a fleece blanket
for father's day!

[ Sighs ]
Sue, don't worry about it.

It'll be an even bigger surprise
when she sees you're there.

Just leave it that
you're not coming home.

So I should tell her
I'm not coming home?

You already did that.
Just wrap it up and be done.

Okay.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

[ Sighs ]

Mom?

Yeah?

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Sue? Hello?

Now, when you
conquer a sport,

there's no better feeling
in the world

'cause you don't do it
for some trophy.

You do it for
a feeling of satisfaction

that you get
right in here.

Okay, now, heck.

And catch!

Okay, now,
this is for an orange slice.

Huh?

Ohh!

This one's for
any book you want.

Uh...

I will give you my Subaru
when you turn 16!

All right, forget balls.

Personally, I think fencing
belongs in the drama department,

but we're reaching here.

Heck?

Hey, pay attention.

[ As Yoda ] A jedi master, I am!
[ Grunting ]

There's nothing wrong
with what we're doing here.

We're just replacing
"i can't do sports,"

with
"i can't do small talk,"

just as I will be
replacing this memory

with a Cadillac Margarita
at chi chi's.

Keep looking.
Ohh.

Is that one it?
No.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Really? Two balloons?
That's it?

This is why you need
a girl involved earlier.

Oh, sure, it's easy
to come in here and judge,

but I put a lot of work
into this party.

I had to order the sub.
I had to pick it up.

I had to set up the table.
The legs are attached.

There's not even
a tablecloth.

That was a choice.
Less is more.

Plus, check this out.
Hmm?

You're giving mom
a buttronauts card?

Notice how
the butts are saggy?

That's 'cause
she's turning 50, see?

I put a lot of
thought into this.

I didn't just show up
last minute and slam everything.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Hmm.

You know, I always thought
i couldn't do small talk,

but now I'm gonna try.

My mother's 50th birthday
brings up thoughts

of the fleeting nature of time
and my own ultimate demise.

Oh, but look
who I'm talking to.

You're even older
than my mom.

This must be on your mind
all the time.

♪♪

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What are you doing?

I sprung
for a six-foot sub.

I want Frankie to see
the whole thing.

Relax.
She'll never even notice.

Once I took a chunk
out of a wedding cake,

nobody noticed.

Went underneath.

Yeah,
just hold your horses.

Maybe I can help you
bring out some of the sides.

What sides?

Does anybody ever
really eat the sides?

Well, yeah, they do.

So, just the sub, then?

It's a six-footer.

What do you have
in your pantry?

If you've got cheese,
cream of mushroom soup,

and elbow macaroni,
i can do anything.

Okay,
what's the plan, Mike?

Where's the birthday girl?
She must be getting close.

I'm not sure.

She's probably at
the frugal hoosier.

She said she might
run some errands.

Wait, you -- what?

You don't know
where she is?

She's usually home
by 5:00.

Usually?!

[ Cellphone ringing ]

That's her.

Oh. Quiet, everyone.
Birthday girl on the phone.

[ Squealing ]
[ Ringing continues ]

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Hey, baby.

Frankie:
Mike, sue's missing.

What?
Where -- where are you?

I'm in her dorm room,
and she's not here.

And -- and there's some
weird socks on the wall.

What are you doing
up in gumford?

Oh, man.
Gumford?

Frankie: Well, since sue was
under such pressure,

I thought I'd bring her some
hot chocolate and cookies

to make her feel better,
but now she's not here

and her r.A. Doesn't know
where she is

and she's not picking up
her phone.

She's missing.

Oh, well.
Just come home.

Mike,
our daughter is missing.

Um, you know what?

Why don't you try sue
on her phone one more time?

Okay, but if I don't get her,
I'm calling campus police.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

What?

She's only 42 minutes away.

Don't you know
how surprise parties work?

Yeah, Mike, you got to have
an accomplice

take the guest of honor
somewhere to make sure

she comes back
at a designated time.

Everybody knows that.

She said she was
going grocery shopping.

We don't go
to that many places.

I-i thought
i was covered.

[ Cellphone ringing ]

[ Groans ]
[ Shushing ]

[ Clears throat ]

Hey, mom!

Oh, thank God, sue.
Where are you?

Where am I?

Where am I?

Bu-u-u-u-u-u-h...

Uhhhhh...

[ Sputters ]

Uh, oh, oh,
I'm at the library!

Oh, okay. Well, I've got
a surprise for you.

I'm actually in gumford.

I'm in your room right now.

I bought you some cookies
and hot chocolate.

Oh, thank you, mom!

Well, just leave them
in my room and go home.

Sue, I didn't drive
all the way up here in the snow

to not see you.

Well, uh, I got a lot of
studying to do.

I'm probably gonna be here
for hours.

You're not gonna see me.
Thanks. Bye.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

I think
that went pretty well.

Sue, why didn't you say at
the last minute you came home,

and she should
come home, too?

Well, somebody should have
signed that!

All right, look,
I'm not gonna make it, okay?

I haven't eaten
since breakfast,

and all I had was a luna bar
and three grapes.

♪♪

It's okay. I found sue.

She's holed up
in the library,

so I guess I'm just
gonna head home.

But, hey, there's
hot chocolate and cookies here

if anybody wants them.

Yeah,
you're not going anywhere.

Big snowstorm.
Route 64 is a mess.

You'll have to
stay the night.

What?

I can't give you any linens.

We're not allowed
to supply them.

It's a whole bedbug thing.

[ Sighs ]

[ Indistinct whining ]
Okay, relax. It's not
the end of the world here.

I'll get her home. Bill, I don't
want to have to say it again.

Hey, Frankie, so,
you on your way home?

You're not gonna believe this.
I'm snowed in.

What?! No!

It's not that bad here.

Maybe you should just
go for it.

Just go for it?

Thanks for looking out
for my safety, Mike.

By the way, I found sue,
if you care.

She was at the library.

So I guess I'm just
gonna settle in here.

Oh, you know, I have to let her
know I'm staying the night.

I'll call you back.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

She's snowed in.

[ All groan ]

But it's okay.
It's gonna be fine.

All we need's a snowplow.

Does anyone here
have a plow

or any
snow-removing vehicle?

Gee, Mike, sorry,

I forgot to bring my dump truck
full of road salt!

I'm sorry.
I'm lashing out.

I am so hungry!

Can't we just dig in
to this sub?

It's what Frankie
would have wanted.

She's not dead, bill.
She's just in gumford.

[ Cellphone ringing ]

Oh, my God. It's mom.
What should I do?

All: Answer it!

[ Whimpers ]
[ Cellphone beeps ]

Hi, mom!

Frankie:
Hey, honey. Guess what.

I'm stuck here in gumford
because of the blizzard,

so I'll be
spending the night.

So maybe when
you come back from studying,

we can watch a movie
or something.

I'm not even in gumford.
I'm at home.

What?!

Then why did you tell me
you were at the library?

Duuuuuh...

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Wait.

Why is your dad
video-chatting me?

Mike,
sue says she's at home.

Hang on.
I got something to show you.

All: Surprise!

[ Laughter ]

Wait, what is this?

This is your surprise
floating 50th birthday party.

I don't know.

I was trying
to do something nice for you.

Oh, my God.

Are you kidding me?!

You never do anything
nice for me!

It's always road pizzas
and floated birthdays

and mini license plates
that say "frannie"

'cause they didn't have
a "Frankie."

And now you go all out
and throw me this party

and I'm not even there
to enjoy it!

Yeah, it turns out
putting someone in charge

of the guest of honor
is kind of a crucial part

of a surprise party.

[ Sighs ]

Mom, actually, you are here.
Look at sue's laptop.

All: Happy Birthday!

Aw, thanks!

Aw, let me see everyone.

Axl: Okay,
but check this out, mom.

The most important part --
the sandwich,

which I took care of.

It's, uh, Turkey --
your favorite?

It is. It looks delicious.
What did you get for sides?

Uh, look at
the decoration!

Hmm?
Oh, nice!

Show me the others.

Uh, huh?

Frankie, happy 50th!

Hi, Frankie!
Happy Birthday!
[ Laughs ]

Now?
Go ahead.

Yeah!

Oh, thanks for coming,
guys!

[ Knock on door ]

Mrs. heck? Sue just texted
and said it's your birthday.

Oh, mom,
that's my friend Lexie.

Um, I got these
out of a vending machine.

I can't light the candle
in the room, though.

It's dorm rules.

I can see why you and sue
are friends.

[ Chuckles ]
Happy Birthday.

Okay, mom, check this out.
Axl, come on.

Huh?

Oh, you fixed
the porch light!

I love it!

Happy Birthday, Frankie.

I love you.

Hey, everybody can hear.

Nancy:
Hey, gang, time for cake!

How does she do that?

You had a ton of frosting,
so I just frosted a phone book.

Nobody eat it.

♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy Birthday, dear Frankie ♪
♪ Happy Birthday, dear mom ♪

♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Frankie: It really was one of
my top five birthdays,

which is ironic
since I wasn't even there.

But, you know, family is often
best appreciated at a distance.

Ooh, maybe I'll come here
for mother's day.