The Middle (2009–2018): Season 7, Episode 12 - The Middle - full transcript

[Crow caws]

♪ ♪

Hey, there, Mr. intern. Lookin' sharp.

Well, you dress for the job you
want, not the job you have.

- What job do you have?
- No idea.

- What job do you want?
- I don't know.

Something cool, I guess.

- Hm.
- Ahh.

The e-mail from little Betty

says I'll be working in product
development, so I assume

I'll be brainstorming new
ideas for snack cakes.



Hmm.

You know, if you throw a few snack cakes

in your bag and bring them home,

I could help you brainstorm
while I'm watching

"salmonella ruined my wedding."

I'm not stealing for you. This
job is about one thing...

Escaping this soulless, zombie,
blue-collar prison you two are stuck in.

We're counting on you, son!

I told you we inspired him.

All this time we thought we were failures,

turns out we're a cautionary tale.

[Engine turns over] We're like
a "scared straight" program.

[Tires screech]

To quote Gandhi, "an eye for an eye



only ends up making the whole world blind."

Bringing it home with Gandhi.
Never a bad idea.

[Clears throat]

"'A recipe for peace in the
middle east, ' by Sue Heck.

Take one cup of understanding,
two dashes of kindness,

and a heaping tablespoon of love."

[Students snickering] "Sweeten
with a dollop of compassion,

and stir in a generous
amount of compromise..."

Uh, you know what? I-I-I-I think
w-we're running out of time,

so I-I'm gonna go ahead and
have you stop right there.

Great work, everybody.

Let's pick this up Thursday.

Sue, you want to hang back for a second?

Yeah.

Hey, so, I just...

I want to talk to you about
your paper for a minute.

Sure.

I think your approach,
while interesting, uh,

I think might have just come
off a little bit superficial.

That's because you didn't hear the ending.

"Reduce heat, remove from
pan, smother with love,

and slice thin so there is
a 'peace' for everybody."

Yeah. Yeah, I-I... yeah, I think that...

That maybe your paper just needs
a-a little more substance.

Like more ingredients?

Sue, let me ask you something.

Why are you here?

Because you told me to stay after class.

No, I mean w-why did you come to college?

Because I graduated high school.

Right. Uh, I just...

I guess I mean why... why are you here?

You know, what... what
do you want to learn?

What do you want to accomplish?

Is this a test question?

See, I'd say that most
people, they come to college

because they want to
expand their world view,

become critical thinkers.

Oh. Oh, that's good.

That's good. I'm gonna write that down.

Oh, no. No, no. I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna give you another
shot at this, okay,

but I really want what is inside of you

to inform this paper, okay?

Avoid all the surfacy stuff

and get into the... the
complexity of the situation.

You know, really, uh... really dig deep.

Got it. But still keep
it in the recipe format?

- Nope.
- Got it.

Got it.

♪ ♪

So, this is your desk.

The phone systems are pretty standard.

To forward a call, you just hit "transfer,"

dial the extension, and hang up.

Oh, ho, ho! Wow!

Look at this.

Hello, Axl Heck. Hold my calls.

[Laughs] I've always wanted to say that.

Diver down! [Chair hisses]

Sloop!

We should probably introduce you to Mr.
Kershaw.

Okay. I'll say it again in English.

- Is this the new intern?
- Uh, yes, sir. Axl Heck.

Yeah, I don't need to know your name.

We've got a product-development
meeting in 10 minutes!

So why don't you hop like a bunny

and take everyone's coffee order?

Barry back there likes his with soy.

Do not screw that one up
or we'll all pay for it.

I've got a pair of wing-tips
that need some tlc,

so when you're done with
the coffee, let me know.

And by "me," of course I mean my secretary.

You and I may never speak again.

Man: Medium.

Two medium lattes.

You got a photographic memory, son?

'Cause if not, you better grab a pen,

start jotting some of this down.

- Almond-milk latte.
- Yeah, a decaf latte.

Triple venti soy...

- Uh-huh.
- Nofoam latte.

No foam with a lot of triple venti.

[Knock on door]

Oh, hey, Cindy. Brick's not here.

I know. I was hoping to speak to you alone.

Please, sit down.

[Sighs]

I kissed another boy and I
need you to tell Brick.

The way you handle this
will be key in determining

the future of Brick's and my relationship.

♪ ♪

Keep me in the loop.

Whoo! Look what smile superstars sent me.

It's my new smock. Isn't it nice?

I think they must have a real designer,

because this is very flattering.

Huh.

Really? That's it? That's all I get?

This is as excited as I
can get about smocks.

That was the world's suckiest day.

Ugh! [Groans]

All they had me do was get
coffee for everybody.

I mean, look at this.

Venti iced non-fat one-pump no-whip mocha?

And no one even said thanks.

They just pointed me to
the next crappy job.

I got to tell you, one
day in the real world

made me realize how much you

are gonna have to step
up and take care of me.

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

[Whining] Why not? I'm so tired.

- Yeah.
- Ugh.

All right.

Come on, Axl. You got
coffee for a few people.

You didn't build the railroads.

But all they had me do was grunt work.

I didn't get to sit in on any meetings

or pitch any of my snack-cake ideas

or ride the little Betty jet.

Do you know how long I worked today?

Eight hours!

I know what a job is.

I've been going to one
for the last 30 years.

Oh, yeah? Did you ever have to work

and go to college at the same time?

No.

I had to work and raise three children.

So... no.

[Sighs] Listen, Axl, I don't
want to hear it. Work is work.

At some point, everyone in
the world has to do it,

so stop complaining.

Jump in any time here, Mike.

Work is work. Listen to your mother.

[Groans] But it's so ha-hard!

Hey, Brick. [Clears throat]

When's the last time you
talked to your girlfriend?

We don't talk that much,
if you know what I mean.

I'm usually reading.

Well, you might want to check in with her.

You're so lucky you're still young.

Enjoy childhood while you can!

Frankie: It was the first
day of the Orson branch

of Smile Superstars International,

and everything was...

Tablet: You are now five minutes behind.

How is that possible? I've
been working my butt off.

You are now six minutes behind.

Then I said, "I don't know a
polar ice cap from a bottle cap,

but if this is global warming, sign me up!"

[Laughter]

Hey, chatty,

we're only allowed 20 minutes
per patient, so let's go.

We got to turn 'em and burn 'em.

Well, but shooting the
breeze with the patients

is the reason I became a dentist.

I'm not saying you have to stop
doing it, just do it quicker.

Um, uh, anyway, y'all have a good day.

Uh, nice shoes, sorry about your mom,

and text me that banana-cake recipe.

Excuse me, I've been
waiting for 45 minutes.

Oh, sorry. My tablet's frozen.

Technology. What are you gonna do, huh?

[Laughs nervously]

[Clears throat] Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen,

it's time for a smile
superstars dance break!

♪ Tonight is tonight ♪

♪ tomorrow's tomorrow ♪

[Laughs]

♪ Believing, believing ♪

Come on!

♪ Go, go, go, go, go, go, go ♪

Did you talk to Brick yet?

No.

Get. It. Done.

♪ ♪

"After 12 days of negotiations,

menachem begin and anwar El-sadat

signed the camp David accords
on September 17, 1978,

which led to them receiving
the nobel peace prize

on December 10, 1978."

That really happened.

I know. I know. I...

Here's the thing. [Chuckles]

I'm having the same problem with this paper

that I had with the last one,

is that it... it doesn't
address how you feel.

Now, answer this question for me.

Why do you think people create conflict?

Because they haven't found
their best selves yet.

And why do you think there's
pain and suffering?

So we can appreciate joy
at its highest level.

I'm gonna give you another
crack at this paper, okay?

Remember, the thing that I'm
trying to get you to do here

is really hone your critical thinking.

But I'm not a critical person.

Y... are you sure you
didn't like my first essay?

'Cause I really feel like I was
closer with the recipe thing.

I didn't like the recipe thing.

But did you get what I was going for?

I did.

'Cause I remember you said there
were parts that you liked,

and I just feel like if
you lose the recipe,

then you lose the whole
understanding thing.

And if you pull that thread,
then it all comes out.

I want it to all come out, Sue.

I don't want gimmicks.

I don't want you to regurgitate facts.

I just... I want to know what you think.

I want you to crack yourself open.

- You mean like an om...
- No food.

Mm-hmm.

- But...
- No.

Rough day at the office?

All I did was file things.

I got like a billion paper cuts.

This place is a turkish prison

with a delicious assortment of pastries.

Plus, I got this crick in my neck

from answering 8,000 phone calls.

I am so underutilized!

I'm a business major.

I know major amounts of business.

Now I got to go back again tomorrow

and do it all over again.

Could you imagine doing
the same thing every day?

Kind of thing that would make a man drink.

[Sighs]

[Sighs] I had the worst day.

- Uh-huh.
- That office is insane now.

They put a coupon in the paper,

and then they're surprised
when we get behind.

Hello? This is a coupon town.

I'm telling you, if this
is how it's gonna go,

I'm not gonna last. I'm exhausted.

Call me crazy, but that sounds
an awful lot like complaining.

Let me finish.

I'm exhausted from all
the satisfaction I get

from a job well done.

Oh, yeah.

Got a sec?

Hmm.

Look, you're only in sixth grade...

- Eighth.
- Eighth.

Don't you think that's a little young

to be tied down in a relationship?

No way. I love having a girlfriend.

Right, but you want to
keep your options open.

What options?

It's a miracle I landed Cindy.

She's like a needle in the
world's largest haystack.

Look, Brick, I-I don't know
how to sugarcoat this,

so I'm just gonna rip the band-aid off.

Cindy kissed another guy.

What?! When did this happen?

I'm not sure.

Well, who'd she kiss?

Was it Seymour?

Him and his big, shiny orthopedic shoe.

He thinks he's such a ladies man.

Wait, how do you know this?

Cindy told me a few days ago.

And you're just telling me now?!

What'd she say? Does she
want to break up with me?

I don't know.

You don't know?

You just come in here and
drop a bomb like this

and all you've got is "I don't know"?!

- Well, I-I-I...
- [Mockingly] Well, I-I-I-I...

You got to have my back here!

When mom flirted with that bag boy,

I got his name and his Walmart I.D. Number.

Look, Brick, I didn't ask
to be involved in this.

Well, you're in it now.

You can't just give me this
half-baked information.

You got to go back there
and get me some answers!

No way. I'm out, Brick.

She kicked my car.

Yeah, she's unpredictable.

That's one of the things I
find exciting about her.

Well, look, you're in the seventh grade...

- Eighth.
- Eighth.

My point is that you can
handle this by yourself.

You don't need me.

Good talk.

Want the door open or closed?

I'll close it.

Activist: This tree has been
here for hundreds of years,

and now they want to tear it
down to put up a java Jerry's.

Do we really need another corporation

- who are bankrupting America?
- Hi.

- And when we...
- Hi. Sorry.

I-I-I don't mean to interrupt your tirade,

but I couldn't help noticing
that you're a very deep person.

Were you always that way,

or is that something you had to learn?

I see your coffee cup, tree murderer!

Corporate stooge!

You can't run away from your hypocrisy!

Shame!

Shame!

Woman: Thank you for holding...

You got me the wrong lunch.

[Sighs]

What a fulfilling day.

He's not home.

[Sighs] Thank god. I am exhausted.

Ugh, my god.

[Sighs] Work sucks.

[Grunts]

Oh!

Rub my feet.

I'm not rubbing your smelly feet.

Come on, Mike, please?

All right.

Mm.

[Sighs] Oh, yeah.

Mm-hmm. Mmhmm.

Oooh, yeah. Ooh.

Really get your thumbs in there.

Ugh, I hate my job.

They made it sound so
great at the convention

with all the incentives and prizes.

Yeah. I thought you were
gonna win us an escalade.

Pfft! Fat chance.

Our office is 104th in the nation.

Yeah, we're back to winning the lottery

or you finding a diamond at the quarry.

God, it sucks, Mike. I
thought my last job was bad.

This job is baaaa... etter than ever.

[Marshmallow squawks] Don't ask.

Professor Grant, I'm sorry.

I just can't give you what you want.

And believe me, I tried.

I talked to a crazy guy.

I watched an Anderson Cooper marathon.

I stayed up all night listening
to Joni Mitchell albums.

What are you talking about?

Look, I know you think
being deep is important,

but I think other things are important.

Like seeing the best in people,

and believing that the human
spirit is what gives us the gift

to face the world with
curiosity and optimism.

It's nothing personal.

You are obviously very deep and intelligent

and a little bit handsome,
and that's great,

but you just can't take someone
who has thought one way

their whole life and convince
them to think your way.

I am never gonna understand
your side of things,

and you are never gonna understand mine.

And the more you force me to do it,

the angrier I am gonna get,

and we are just gonna go
at each other forever!

It's never gonna work!

That's it.

Right there.

What's it? Right where?

That's the crack I was talking about.

Really?

[Laughs] Yes, yes!

That's the passion I wanted to see.

I want you to argue with me.

Take a stand. Paint a painting.

Go and see a band that
you thought you hated.

That's what college is about.

Do it.

I will.

I will do it. Right now.

And I am not saying that to be agreeable.

I get it. I get it!

We will argue later.

Turns out, there was a recipe after all.

With a dash of enlightenment
and a scoop of tough love,

Sue cracked herself open

and found more than just
rainbows and unicorns.

It was still mostly rainbows and unicorns,

'cause let's face it, Sue
is always gonna be Sue.

Sure, look up in the sky

and ignore all the problems down here!

Sheep!

Baaaa!

[Marshmallow chirping]

I know you said don't
ask, but I have to ask.

Why do you have a bird?

Why do I have a bird? [Chuckles]

I have a bird because apparently,

when you're a businessman,

you get to do lots of important stuff,

like, uh, picking up your boss'
crap from the dry-cleaners.

But when he forgets to give you his ticket,

you get to spend a half-hour

trying to convince "Dave the manager"

that you're not trying to
steal your boss' golf shirts,

which makes you late to the vet,

where you're taking his sick bird,

but the guy won't take the bird

because it's one minute after 6:00,

so you get to go to the pharmacy

where you beg them to give
you the bird's medicine

which, they inform you, has
to be applied every two hours

to the bird's butt.

But what they don't tell you is
where on the bird is the butt.

This is officially the
lowest moment of my life.

There will be others.

[Marshmallow squawks] No! Marshmallow!

- Oh, damn it!
- See?

Ohh! This is all your fault!

What are you talking about?

I'll show you what I'm talking about.

Axl Heck, star student of the week.

Boom. Exhibit "a."

"I will be a rock star during the week

and an astronaut on the weekends."

Now that I'm older,

I realize I should have reversed that,

but you helped me with this.

All through elementary
school and middle school was

"you can be anything you want to be, Axl.

Don't be afraid to dream big, Axl."

Then I hit high school and you
pull the rug out from under me!

I wanted to start a t-shirt line.

I wanted to be a reality star.

And now, thanks to you,

I'm stuck in a dead-end job
for the rest of my life.

[Sighs] Axl, you're just an intern.

This is not what you're
gonna be doing forever.

Um, it's a little late to
apply to astronaut school,

so I think it is.

Look at this.

"Who are your heroes? Mommy,
daddy, and spongebob."

Guess it's just spongebob now.

[Marshmallow squawking]

[Sighs] Searching for a lost bird

was really the pickle on the
crap sandwich that was my day.

Okay. Now, where were we?

No.

[Whines] Oh, come on! Give me some sugar.

Eh, I'd rather do the bird ointment.

[Scoffs]

Ahh.

Hey, what is the deal with Axl?

Everything out of his mouth is
either negative or a complaint.

Well, you would know.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, I'm just saying that

you and Axl are pretty
much the same person.

What?

You're out of your mind.

All I'm saying is

he comes home whining,
you come home whining...

I do not come home whining.

"The tablets don't work. It's hard.

There's too many patients. It's hard.

There's no desk to sleep under. It's hard."

I'm sorry. Would you prefer I
not share my day with you?

I didn't know that was an option.

[Sighs] Whatever, Mike.

You know, you're not
gonna make me feel bad.

Everybody brings their work home with them.

I don't.

Last week, an earthmover
rolled over my foot.

I didn't say a word.

All my toes are completely black.

- You want to see?
- Uh, I'll take your word for it.

Axl and I are not alike in any way.

I happen to be a very positive person.

I know. You're very positive

that all your pie-in-the-sky
ideas are gonna work out.

And when they don't, you
complain and give up.

I do not have pie-in-the-sky ideas.

Really? How's that jewelry line coming?

You ever get Oprah to try on your earrings?

For your information, I
have some feelers out

to locate her exact address.

Okay, well, maybe when you do,

you should send her one of
Axl's buttronaut t-shirts

that were gonna make him famous.
Maybe I will.

I think they look great with the earrings.

Look, I'm just pointing
out that you and Axl

are kind of the drama queens of the house.

You know what, Mike?

I don't even know why I'm arguing with you.

If you think Axl and I are alike,

I am gonna take that as a compliment,

because I love my son, and he
has a lot of great qualities.

You sit here in silence with
your stoic, black-toed army,

and I will be hanging with the dreamers.

[Sighs] What are you doing up?

[Marshmallow squawks]

Axl: Marshmallow, just sit still! Ow!

That bird is not a fan of his medicine.

[Sighs]

Dad, I'm sorry I yelled at you
about the whole Cindy thing.

It wasn't your fault.

You were just the messenger.

Ah, don't take it so hard, Brick.

You... you've got a lot of life left.

It's fine.

I just thought you'd get
what I was going through

'cause you always talk about that girl.

You know, the one whose house

you always rode over to on your bike?

Ah, Debbie Sullivan.

Yep.

She had the greatest hair.

At Christmas, she used to put
jingle bells in her ponytail.

Man, she was something.

Here's the thing, Brick.

When it comes to women,
there are no easy answers.

I don't know much,

but I've picked up a few
things over the years.

Even though you're only in...

- Eighth.
- Eighth...

I was gonna say eighth... grade,

women, in my opinion,

are somewhat interested
in what you have to say

or what you think,

but they're definitely
interested in what you feel.

There's nothing like a father/son talk.

Of course, Brick didn't use
a word of Mike's advice.

He decided it was easier
just to pay Cindy 10 bucks

to never kiss another boy again.

But nothing beats a mother/son talk.

Ohh.

So, how was your day?

You do not want to know.

Actually, I do.

Hm.

I just had this whole picture in my head

of what it was gonna be
like, and it's just not it.

I got all these ideas,

and my boss just doesn't want to hear them.

I know what you mean.

One time, I told Mr. Ehlert this idea I had

for a labor day promotion, and he said,

[gruffly] "I got an idea.

Why don't you hose down that Camry?

I think a raccoon gave
birth in the wheel well."

[Both chuckle]

Mm.

[Normal voice] Ooh, you pick
out the almonds, too, huh?

Yeah. I like the almond flavor,

but the nuts, they're
just too much chewing.

Yeah, right?

Like, why did they have
to complicated things?

We don't need any heroes.
Just give us the ice cream.

Yep.

You know, we should open an
ice-cream store together.

We would crush an ice-cream store.

Plus, I'm taking econ now,

so I can run the money side of things.

Yeah, but you have such great personality

that we would want that out front.

Mm, you'd definitely want this out front.

You know what would be another
great flavor of ice cream?

Chips and dip.

Would there be actual chips in it?

No, no, no, no, no, no. Just the flavor.

You don't want chips in your ice cream.

Mm.

Yeah, 'cause salty and sweet
is, like, the big thing now.

Yeah. It would have,
like, a saltiness to it.

Just throw it together.