The Middle (2009–2018): Season 7, Episode 14 - Film, Friends and Fruit Pies - full transcript
Sue discovers that she's too poor to keep up with her new roommate's spending habits, Axl discovers that befriending the boss isn't what it's cracked up to be, and Brick could lose his only two friends when he becomes a director.
Everybody knows you're much cooler
if you're running with a posse.
Even Brick.
Yep, things were going well for my kids.
Brick had a group of friends...
We did it. They approved us.
We're officially roommates!
... Sue finally got the
roommate she'd been dreaming of,
and Axl was proving himself invaluable
at his first foray into the business world.
What are you doing, intern?
Okay, maybe not exactly invaluable.
Hole-punching quarterly reports
to put them in your binder for you, sir.
Mr. Kershaw. Sir.
Ah.
Taking initiative. Going the extra mile.
Much better idea than using
three-hole-punch paper!
Well, on the plus side,
if we ever have a party,
we've already got confetti.
Yay.
Come on, let's go.
What? Me? Where are we going?
- To lunch.
- What?
Aah.
Ugh.
Can you tell me what this is I
just stepped on in the carpet?
Um... I don't know.
It goes to something.
Thanks, Inspector. Case solved.
Maybe it goes to the bottom of the blender?
Yeah.
Nope.
Ooh. Maybe it's that knob
to the clock on the stove?
No.
Is it that thing from the other time?
Mm, might be. I'd hate to
think there were two of them.
Remember when we used to talk
about movies and politics?
Mm.
Well, the Ax-man is
rockin' it on all cylinders.
My boss loves me.
I thought you said he hated you.
He did. But now apparently
I'm charming, charismatic...
which I already knew,
but I've never been told by
somebody in a suit before.
And get this... he says I'm going places.
Like to your own place,
where you pay for things?
Ha! You know where I don't pay for things?
Fountains. That's right.
Jack took me to Fountains, and
I got to eat anything I wanted.
He even let me order two cokes.
You had lunch at Fountains?
I chased a hard-boiled
egg across the carpet.
Jack says I'm trustworthy.
Says I got an authenticity
the spineless toadies around him lack.
That's right... Jack
told me to call him Jack,
so Jack he shall be called.
Aww. See?
I knew that once he got to know my sweet...
Hey, whoa, whoa! No, no, no, no.
Why you got to turn everything
into an excuse to hug me?
Don't flatter yourself.
Nobody wants to hug you anyway!
I'll hug him tonight when he's asleep.
Can you sign this form saying
you take full responsibility
for the school camera, editing
equipment, the sound equipment,
and lighting packet while
it's in my possession?
No, we will not.
Well, then I'll have to do
that signature Axl taught me,
'cause I really need it for this project
I'm doing for film class.
Oh, heads up... I'm working
on a shoestring budget,
so I'm gonna be shooting
it entirely in the house.
A horror movie, is it?
Well, the assignment is to
take an important piece of film history
and interpret it as our own.
I'm thinking either "Battleship Potemkin"
or "Knots Landing."
I love "Knots Landing."
I binge-watched all 14 seasons
when we inherited that box
of Aunt Edie's old tapes.
Now, I know what you're thinking...
Sure, "Battleship Potemkin"
was named the greatest film of all time,
but "Knots Landing" just
has the undefinable "it."
Plus it's one of the few true
historical records we have of the 1980s.
The '80s weren't that long ago, Brick.
It was 30-some years ago.
Holy crap.
Well, I better get on it.
I'll be in Sue's room, scouting locations.
Also, I'm still on the fence,
but the episode I'm looking at
may require a small car explosion.
Okay, so, I don't know
if you think this is lame,
but I was thinking maybe
it could be kind of cool
if we used the memo board
to let each other know
where we are at all times.
Okay, shut up!
I was just about to suggest that.
I read about that idea on...
subheading... "dorm keeping for dummies...
101 hacks for rocking life away from home"!
Ohh, my god! I am so happy right now!
Me too! Wait. Okay, close your eyes.
I have something else for the room!
Oh, my god, if it is
the sparkly dragon pillow
I saw at the student store,
I am seriously gonna pass out!
Better.
Okay, open.
Eeeee... Oh, my god.
What?! A flat-screen TV?!
- Awesome, right?
- Yeah.
And it was practically
free. It was only $300.
I had to get it.
Heh. How could you not?
Right? So, your half is $150.
What?
Yeah, $150 even.
Oh, sure.
'Cause that would be half of $300.
Mm-hmm. I just put it on my visa,
so you can pay me back whenever.
No rush... just whenever
you go to the bank machine.
'Kay.
Okay. Remember, in this
scene, Cindy, you're Abby...
a beautiful, calculating temptress
who will stop at nothing
to get what she wants.
And, Troy, you're Gary...
a handsome, naive Texas transplant
who used to be married to Valene,
but then Abby stole you,
and now she's trying to make you, Gary,
feel better about cutting
your best friend, Kenny,
out of Ciji's recording deal.
Cool.
Uh, Cindy, I'm gonna
need you to lose the hat.
I can't lose the hat.
Well, you got to lose the
hat. Abby doesn't wear a hat.
I might be willing to tuck
up the flaps, but that's it.
Fine.
And... action!
I, uh, just got off the phone with Munson.
He tells me you and
Kenny had quite a scene.
Yeah.
Cut! Cut, cut.
Cindy, do you not get
what your intention is?
You just got off the phone with Munson.
Munson!
This guy here could blow the whole deal.
And, Troy, I'm seeing the
acting all over the place.
This is "Knots Landing."
Let's keep it real.
Didn't you people watch the 14
years of episodes I gave you?
Do you even own a Betamax?!
Again... From the top.
Oh, hey, Jack.
Langdon from the art department
sent down some new sketches
for the fruit pie on-the-go packaging.
Am I crazy,
or do all the drawings of
fruit pies look like him?
So, where'd we leave off yesterday?
I'm screwed, Heck.
What? No, come on. You're only down by two.
You make a shot on one
foot, you're up by five.
No, I'm screwed. We all are.
But... I thought things were going great.
You had that meeting yesterday
where you said, "things are going great."
Oh, it's all a show, Heck.
I can't tell the people
out there the truth.
They have mortgages and car payments.
They don't need to know that
our profits are in the crapper.
But I know.
I know, Heck.
And now...
so do you.
$142... So, Sue scraped
together her birthday money,
her spudsy money,
and even participated in
a psychological experiment
to pay for her half of the TV.
... and my lucky $2 bill
my grandpa gave me when I was born...
Makes $150.
Oh. Thank you.
Oh. You have a electrode thingy...
Oh! Oh.
Just covering a zit.
You know, college... heh... stress.
Oh! Wait! Don't move.
I am scheduling us both facials right now.
Oh, and check it out...
I got us a popcorn popper.
And these cute little
containers that say "popcorn."
They were only $20 each.
You can pay me back whenever.
'Kay.
Okay, now, in this scene,
Cindy, you'll be playing Karen,
an idealistic widow
conflicted by a recent proposal
from the hotheaded but dashing Mack.
And, Troy, you're Teddy,
Karen's old high-school flame,
and you'll stop at nothing to get her back.
And action!
Look how exciting tonight is.
Don't you realize it could
be like this all the time?
Don't say yes to him.
- Teddy, please.
- But don't say...
Cut.
Cindy, you can't phone it in
just because you're the
director's girlfriend.
Well, maybe soon, I won't be.
That's the sass I'm looking for.
Now, let's inject some of
that into your performance.
And, Troy, I don't know what to say.
I feel like I'm watching a scene
between two eighth-graders
who barely know each other.
One more time on that last line.
And action.
How long we letting this go on?
I want my couch back.
Coffeepot?
- Tried it.
- Mm.
- I don't know.
- I think this is good, Mike.
He's engaged, he's excited about something.
And look... Brick has a posse.
We don't want to drive them away.
No! No, no!
Sounds like he might be
driving them away on his own.
Well, to be fair, Cindy
wasn't exactly prepared.
You have to be off book, Mike.
You can't just show up and learn
your lines during rehearsal.
We will stay in this scene
until I see the magic I am looking for!
- And action!
- The only thing worse
than having your friend become your boss
is having your boss become your friend.
Heck, I can't tell anybody this.
Nobody knows but you.
The apple shipment from Chile
exceeded the legal pesticide limit.
That means no apple pie till June.
You know, if it makes you feel any better,
no one my age even eats fruit pies anymore.
They're like something out of the '50s.
And the truck drivers are
threatening to strike again.
"Oh, we can't drive 48 straight hours.
We'll report you to the
union." What am I gonna do?
Shove a thousand yodel-oos
in the back of my Lexus
and go door-to-door? Huh? Huh?!
And now some kid in Missouri
has found a toe in his ringdoodle.
I mean, a finger, I could
understand, but a toe?
What are these people doing down there?
Oh, look at this.
Now my eye's twitching.
Is this noticeable?
People are depending on me.
They're all depending on me.
I can't breathe, I can't sleep.
My hair's falling out in chunks.
It's falling out.
Oh!
Already tried it.
Hey, Axl, do you know what this goes to?
No, but I know what
this goes to... my head!
I am totally stressing out.
I'm up all night thinking
about toxic apples
and profit margins and
cupcakes with toes in them.
I mean, why does my boss love me so much?
Why am I so damn charming?!
Aw, honey, don't worry. It's gonna be...
Ooh! Have you gained weight?
You got a little love handle.
Is it noticeable?
Oh, god, my pants barely fit.
I'm on the last hole in my belt.
I am totally eating my
feelings. This job is killing me.
You only work 10 hours a week.
Uh, excuse me... do you
have a conference call
with the board of directors
at 10:00 this morning?
Do you?
No. But I'm in charge
of connecting everybody.
Oh! Don't look at me! I'm hideous!
Hey, Sue!
Oh, what a nice surprise,
honey. What are you doing home?
Oh, well, I just... I didn't
have class till the afternoon,
so I thought I'd stop by and say hi,
and that I love you so much.
Hey, here's a thought.
It's probably really inconvenient
for you guys to put money
into my account every month,
so why don't you just put all
of the money into my account
for the rest of the year right now,
and then it'll be off your plates?
I know you guys are always complaining
about those full plates, and
this will make it less full,
so super-convenient for you, right?
What's going on, Sue?
Lexie's really rich, and she
keeps buying stuff for the room
and asking me for half,
and I keep saying "'kay!"
But it's not 'kay. It's not 'kay at all!
Wait, hang on. How much
are you into this girl for?
Well, I already paid her $150.
- $150?!
- Uh-huh.
And get this... she said it was only $150.
Like when I say something is only $1.
Wow.
I have waited so long for a good roommate,
and I finally have one,
and now I'm afraid if
I can't afford things,
she's just gonna find a roommate who can.
Or she's gonna try and pay for everything,
and that's just as awkward.
See, this is why you
don't have rich friends.
Never friend up. You
always want to friend down.
If you friend up,
eventually, you got to come
back to your crappy life,
and it just feels crappier.
If you friend down, when
you come home to this,
doesn't feel so bad.
Don't listen to your dad.
There's nothing wrong
with having a rich friend.
I had a friend in
college... Bonnie Edwards.
Her dad owned a Spencer's Gifts.
She paid for everything.
And are you guys still friends?
No. She thought I was a sponge,
and it eventually tore us apart.
But I got to go to her lake house
and learn how to water-ski.
Hang on a sec. Where's
all this money coming from?
Well, I've been using my Spudsy's money,
and I popped all the quarters
out of my 50 states collector's book,
and I've been donating plasma.
I'm not exactly sure what plasma is,
and I don't know if you need it,
but, from the way I've been feeling,
I'm guessing you do.
Sue, you got to come clean.
You're too young to be in debt.
It's different for us.
We have a long-range financial plan
where we die before we
have to pay anybody off.
But you don't have that cushion.
Your dad is right... you
need to be up front with Lexie
and tell her you're on a budget.
If she really likes you, she'll understand.
Mm. Okay.
Yeah, you're right.
I'll tell her.
But before I do, I'm just checking...
gestating a child for another couple
is kind of a big commitment, right?
I would say with all of the
extracurriculars you have, yeah.
Ugh. Yep. That's what I thought.
Oh, hey.
Where were you? It
wasn't on the memo board.
Oh, right. Sorry.
I was at home.
Listen, Lexie, I have
something to tell you.
Me first.
Taylor Swift added another concert,
and I called and managed
to get two V.I.P. tickets.
Are you in?
Oh, I'm in.
I'm in deep.
Mike!
Mike, I figured it out!
- Oh, my god!
- What?
The piece! I know what it goes to.
It's the rubber-gaskety-thing
that holds the dryer door shut.
See? It goes right there.
Ah! Now we don't have to
use that stupid broomstick.
Oh, my god.
We always have so many random pieces.
We never know what they go to.
But this time, we did it.
We made something in this
house a little less broken.
Who needs a present? It's
a Valentine's day miracle!
I threw it out yesterday.
What?!
Oh!
Okay, then I want flowers.
And chocolate... the good kind,
with the candy map that
tells you what's inside
so I don't get stuck with the cherry.
But wait till tomorrow, when it's 50% off.
Well, I'm doomed.
My entire production schedule
has been completely thrown into chaos!
Why? What happened?
I lost my actors.
Cindy called, and she said
she has a sore throat
and her great-aunt died.
Then Troy called
and says he has the flu
and his great-uncle died.
I mean, what are the odds
of both of them being sick
and having dead relatives on the same day?
Slim, Brick... very slim.
What are you saying?
Well, you have been kind
of hard on your friends.
"No bathroom breaks!
You'll eat when you get it right!"
It may not be fun for them anymore.
Or ever.
But I'm the director.
It's my job to bring
"Knots Landing" to life.
I mean, a writer wrote this.
All I want to do is be
faithful to the material
and make sure it's executed
to the promise of the script.
Look, I'm just saying,
Troy and Cindy volunteered to help you.
You might start being
a little nicer to them.
You can't afford to lose friends, Brick.
You don't have a lot of options.
Okay, I... I get it. I'll talk to them.
But what am I gonna do now?
The project's due tomorrow,
and I don't have the final scene.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, Mack, there's so many considerations...
The kids...
- Uh-huh.
- This is a big step for them.
- Uh-huh.
- And I'm having your baby.
Who sits like this?
Nobody sits like this.
Mack and Karen sit like that, okay?
And you're not even saying your lines.
You should be happy I'm here.
Let's just skip ahead
to the kiss/talking part.
Mom, I'm gonna need you
to pick up the slack here.
Got it, got it, got it.
Okay, settle.
And action!
You're half Sicilian.
You're a man.
We're gonna fight a lot.
But I'll work on it. 'Cause
I want you to be happy.
This is dumb.
I'm out.
Great. What am I supposed to do now?
Who can I get to step in at the last minute
who loves to perform?
Oh, Mack, there's so many considerations...
The kids...
- I know.
- This is a big step for them.
- I know.
- And I'm having your baby.
It's all happening so fast.
Not fast enough for me.
Oh, Karen, let's raise this baby together.
So, you'll marry me?
Probably.
I was hoping for a "yes."
I can handle "no,"
but I can't make love to "probably."
Well, you'll have to
learn... until I'm ready.
This is magic.
Magic!
Oh, hey, Lexie, have you seen my shampoo?
Oh, I got us new matching shower caddies,
and when I put your bottle in it,
there was hardly any
left, so I threw it out.
What?
Wait, no.
Why would you throw it
out without asking me?
Did I do something wrong?
Oh, my god.
Was it one of those
bottles with the fake bottom
where you hide all your expensive jewelry?
What? No.
- No, no, no, no.
- Lexie, it was just shampoo.
But I use my shampoo till it's gone,
and then I fill it up with
water and I shake that up,
and I use that till it's gone.
I cut open my toothpaste tubes
and scrape out the last bits.
I smush together all my soap slivers
till it becomes one big franken-soap.
Do you see where I'm going with all this?
I'm poor, Lexie!
I'm poor.
Oh.
Well... you know, I'm
not exactly rich, either.
Oh, Lexie, believe me... you're rich.
Is it because I have a horse?
He's really old.
Okay.
Look, Lexie...
You're great and amazing,
and I so, so, so, so, so
want you to be my roommate.
But, honestly, I can't afford it.
I mean, if you want to find someone else
who you can do stuff
with, I totally get it.
What? No! You're my roommate.
God, I feel like such an idiot
for putting you in this position.
I didn't even think.
Seriously, I will pay for everything.
I have, like, three emergency credit cards.
That's really sweet,
but I can't let you pay.
You'll think I'm a sponge.
It happened to my mom once,
and she doesn't water-ski anymore.
But I don't want to do fun
stuff if you can't do fun stuff.
Don't worry about me. I'm
used to not doing fun stuff.
Years of practice.
Ugh, but seriously, do you
think you can find someone else
to go to Taylor Swift with?
I just can't afford V.I.P. tickets.
So, they found a way to go to the concert
that Sue could afford.
I hope she does "Shake It Off."
Wait.
I think this is "Shake It Off."
We love you, Taylor!
Whoo!
Hey.
- What's going on?
- Oh, yeah.
You weren't here yesterday.
You didn't hear the news.
They're shutting down the
entire fruit pie division.
- What?
- Yep.
Today's our last day.
Tough day, huh? Tough day.
I don't understand. What happened?
I took your suggestion
about the fruit pies.
Young people aren't eating them.
They're never gonna eat them.
Every now and then, you
just got to face the facts
and fire 50 people.
- No! Wait.
- That's not what I meant.
I love fruit pies.
I mean, come on.
Look at this thing.
Oh!
Mmm!
This is delicious.
I'm gonna tell all my friends about this.
Everything's gonna be okay!
No. You were right.
It's an old pastry.
Sometimes you just have to cut your losses.
Your first bloodbath is the toughest.
But I tell ya, Axl,
if you keep coming up
with those great ideas,
you might have my job someday.
Oh, god.
Cindy, Troy, it has come
to my attention via my mom
that I might have been
engaging in some bad behavior.
In fact, the word "tyrant"
has been bandied about.
Anyway, I just want to say
that if that's true, I'm sorry.
I'm kind of new at this friendship thing,
and I guess I'm not very good at it.
It's okay.
My mom said I should apologize for flaking.
She said I should be nicer to my friends
'cause I don't have a lot of options.
My mom said the same thing.
So we're still friends?
- Yeah.
- Sure.
Good.
Maybe we should do something
that a group of friends does, then.
What do friends do?
I think they get French fries.
Okay. I'll see you guys at the fry place.
Wait.
I think when they go, they
might actually go together.
Yep, sometimes the key to friendship
is not having a lot of other options.
So you've got to be
grateful for what you have,
because when you think about it,
aren't we all just random pieces
lost in the carpet of life,
looking for where we fit?
Karen, would you do me
the honor of being my wife?
There are so many considerations.
Yeah, yeah.
... the kids... It's just...
We have to talk to them about it.
Absolutely.
Well?
- Probably.
- Uh-huh.
I mean, it's just...
It's really more complicated than it seems.
It's not complicated, it's simple.
You either love me or don't.
If you love me, it's a "yes."
If you don't, it's a "no."
So, do you love me?
Yes.
See? It's simple.
So, we'll be married, right?
Probably.
if you're running with a posse.
Even Brick.
Yep, things were going well for my kids.
Brick had a group of friends...
We did it. They approved us.
We're officially roommates!
... Sue finally got the
roommate she'd been dreaming of,
and Axl was proving himself invaluable
at his first foray into the business world.
What are you doing, intern?
Okay, maybe not exactly invaluable.
Hole-punching quarterly reports
to put them in your binder for you, sir.
Mr. Kershaw. Sir.
Ah.
Taking initiative. Going the extra mile.
Much better idea than using
three-hole-punch paper!
Well, on the plus side,
if we ever have a party,
we've already got confetti.
Yay.
Come on, let's go.
What? Me? Where are we going?
- To lunch.
- What?
Aah.
Ugh.
Can you tell me what this is I
just stepped on in the carpet?
Um... I don't know.
It goes to something.
Thanks, Inspector. Case solved.
Maybe it goes to the bottom of the blender?
Yeah.
Nope.
Ooh. Maybe it's that knob
to the clock on the stove?
No.
Is it that thing from the other time?
Mm, might be. I'd hate to
think there were two of them.
Remember when we used to talk
about movies and politics?
Mm.
Well, the Ax-man is
rockin' it on all cylinders.
My boss loves me.
I thought you said he hated you.
He did. But now apparently
I'm charming, charismatic...
which I already knew,
but I've never been told by
somebody in a suit before.
And get this... he says I'm going places.
Like to your own place,
where you pay for things?
Ha! You know where I don't pay for things?
Fountains. That's right.
Jack took me to Fountains, and
I got to eat anything I wanted.
He even let me order two cokes.
You had lunch at Fountains?
I chased a hard-boiled
egg across the carpet.
Jack says I'm trustworthy.
Says I got an authenticity
the spineless toadies around him lack.
That's right... Jack
told me to call him Jack,
so Jack he shall be called.
Aww. See?
I knew that once he got to know my sweet...
Hey, whoa, whoa! No, no, no, no.
Why you got to turn everything
into an excuse to hug me?
Don't flatter yourself.
Nobody wants to hug you anyway!
I'll hug him tonight when he's asleep.
Can you sign this form saying
you take full responsibility
for the school camera, editing
equipment, the sound equipment,
and lighting packet while
it's in my possession?
No, we will not.
Well, then I'll have to do
that signature Axl taught me,
'cause I really need it for this project
I'm doing for film class.
Oh, heads up... I'm working
on a shoestring budget,
so I'm gonna be shooting
it entirely in the house.
A horror movie, is it?
Well, the assignment is to
take an important piece of film history
and interpret it as our own.
I'm thinking either "Battleship Potemkin"
or "Knots Landing."
I love "Knots Landing."
I binge-watched all 14 seasons
when we inherited that box
of Aunt Edie's old tapes.
Now, I know what you're thinking...
Sure, "Battleship Potemkin"
was named the greatest film of all time,
but "Knots Landing" just
has the undefinable "it."
Plus it's one of the few true
historical records we have of the 1980s.
The '80s weren't that long ago, Brick.
It was 30-some years ago.
Holy crap.
Well, I better get on it.
I'll be in Sue's room, scouting locations.
Also, I'm still on the fence,
but the episode I'm looking at
may require a small car explosion.
Okay, so, I don't know
if you think this is lame,
but I was thinking maybe
it could be kind of cool
if we used the memo board
to let each other know
where we are at all times.
Okay, shut up!
I was just about to suggest that.
I read about that idea on...
subheading... "dorm keeping for dummies...
101 hacks for rocking life away from home"!
Ohh, my god! I am so happy right now!
Me too! Wait. Okay, close your eyes.
I have something else for the room!
Oh, my god, if it is
the sparkly dragon pillow
I saw at the student store,
I am seriously gonna pass out!
Better.
Okay, open.
Eeeee... Oh, my god.
What?! A flat-screen TV?!
- Awesome, right?
- Yeah.
And it was practically
free. It was only $300.
I had to get it.
Heh. How could you not?
Right? So, your half is $150.
What?
Yeah, $150 even.
Oh, sure.
'Cause that would be half of $300.
Mm-hmm. I just put it on my visa,
so you can pay me back whenever.
No rush... just whenever
you go to the bank machine.
'Kay.
Okay. Remember, in this
scene, Cindy, you're Abby...
a beautiful, calculating temptress
who will stop at nothing
to get what she wants.
And, Troy, you're Gary...
a handsome, naive Texas transplant
who used to be married to Valene,
but then Abby stole you,
and now she's trying to make you, Gary,
feel better about cutting
your best friend, Kenny,
out of Ciji's recording deal.
Cool.
Uh, Cindy, I'm gonna
need you to lose the hat.
I can't lose the hat.
Well, you got to lose the
hat. Abby doesn't wear a hat.
I might be willing to tuck
up the flaps, but that's it.
Fine.
And... action!
I, uh, just got off the phone with Munson.
He tells me you and
Kenny had quite a scene.
Yeah.
Cut! Cut, cut.
Cindy, do you not get
what your intention is?
You just got off the phone with Munson.
Munson!
This guy here could blow the whole deal.
And, Troy, I'm seeing the
acting all over the place.
This is "Knots Landing."
Let's keep it real.
Didn't you people watch the 14
years of episodes I gave you?
Do you even own a Betamax?!
Again... From the top.
Oh, hey, Jack.
Langdon from the art department
sent down some new sketches
for the fruit pie on-the-go packaging.
Am I crazy,
or do all the drawings of
fruit pies look like him?
So, where'd we leave off yesterday?
I'm screwed, Heck.
What? No, come on. You're only down by two.
You make a shot on one
foot, you're up by five.
No, I'm screwed. We all are.
But... I thought things were going great.
You had that meeting yesterday
where you said, "things are going great."
Oh, it's all a show, Heck.
I can't tell the people
out there the truth.
They have mortgages and car payments.
They don't need to know that
our profits are in the crapper.
But I know.
I know, Heck.
And now...
so do you.
$142... So, Sue scraped
together her birthday money,
her spudsy money,
and even participated in
a psychological experiment
to pay for her half of the TV.
... and my lucky $2 bill
my grandpa gave me when I was born...
Makes $150.
Oh. Thank you.
Oh. You have a electrode thingy...
Oh! Oh.
Just covering a zit.
You know, college... heh... stress.
Oh! Wait! Don't move.
I am scheduling us both facials right now.
Oh, and check it out...
I got us a popcorn popper.
And these cute little
containers that say "popcorn."
They were only $20 each.
You can pay me back whenever.
'Kay.
Okay, now, in this scene,
Cindy, you'll be playing Karen,
an idealistic widow
conflicted by a recent proposal
from the hotheaded but dashing Mack.
And, Troy, you're Teddy,
Karen's old high-school flame,
and you'll stop at nothing to get her back.
And action!
Look how exciting tonight is.
Don't you realize it could
be like this all the time?
Don't say yes to him.
- Teddy, please.
- But don't say...
Cut.
Cindy, you can't phone it in
just because you're the
director's girlfriend.
Well, maybe soon, I won't be.
That's the sass I'm looking for.
Now, let's inject some of
that into your performance.
And, Troy, I don't know what to say.
I feel like I'm watching a scene
between two eighth-graders
who barely know each other.
One more time on that last line.
And action.
How long we letting this go on?
I want my couch back.
Coffeepot?
- Tried it.
- Mm.
- I don't know.
- I think this is good, Mike.
He's engaged, he's excited about something.
And look... Brick has a posse.
We don't want to drive them away.
No! No, no!
Sounds like he might be
driving them away on his own.
Well, to be fair, Cindy
wasn't exactly prepared.
You have to be off book, Mike.
You can't just show up and learn
your lines during rehearsal.
We will stay in this scene
until I see the magic I am looking for!
- And action!
- The only thing worse
than having your friend become your boss
is having your boss become your friend.
Heck, I can't tell anybody this.
Nobody knows but you.
The apple shipment from Chile
exceeded the legal pesticide limit.
That means no apple pie till June.
You know, if it makes you feel any better,
no one my age even eats fruit pies anymore.
They're like something out of the '50s.
And the truck drivers are
threatening to strike again.
"Oh, we can't drive 48 straight hours.
We'll report you to the
union." What am I gonna do?
Shove a thousand yodel-oos
in the back of my Lexus
and go door-to-door? Huh? Huh?!
And now some kid in Missouri
has found a toe in his ringdoodle.
I mean, a finger, I could
understand, but a toe?
What are these people doing down there?
Oh, look at this.
Now my eye's twitching.
Is this noticeable?
People are depending on me.
They're all depending on me.
I can't breathe, I can't sleep.
My hair's falling out in chunks.
It's falling out.
Oh!
Already tried it.
Hey, Axl, do you know what this goes to?
No, but I know what
this goes to... my head!
I am totally stressing out.
I'm up all night thinking
about toxic apples
and profit margins and
cupcakes with toes in them.
I mean, why does my boss love me so much?
Why am I so damn charming?!
Aw, honey, don't worry. It's gonna be...
Ooh! Have you gained weight?
You got a little love handle.
Is it noticeable?
Oh, god, my pants barely fit.
I'm on the last hole in my belt.
I am totally eating my
feelings. This job is killing me.
You only work 10 hours a week.
Uh, excuse me... do you
have a conference call
with the board of directors
at 10:00 this morning?
Do you?
No. But I'm in charge
of connecting everybody.
Oh! Don't look at me! I'm hideous!
Hey, Sue!
Oh, what a nice surprise,
honey. What are you doing home?
Oh, well, I just... I didn't
have class till the afternoon,
so I thought I'd stop by and say hi,
and that I love you so much.
Hey, here's a thought.
It's probably really inconvenient
for you guys to put money
into my account every month,
so why don't you just put all
of the money into my account
for the rest of the year right now,
and then it'll be off your plates?
I know you guys are always complaining
about those full plates, and
this will make it less full,
so super-convenient for you, right?
What's going on, Sue?
Lexie's really rich, and she
keeps buying stuff for the room
and asking me for half,
and I keep saying "'kay!"
But it's not 'kay. It's not 'kay at all!
Wait, hang on. How much
are you into this girl for?
Well, I already paid her $150.
- $150?!
- Uh-huh.
And get this... she said it was only $150.
Like when I say something is only $1.
Wow.
I have waited so long for a good roommate,
and I finally have one,
and now I'm afraid if
I can't afford things,
she's just gonna find a roommate who can.
Or she's gonna try and pay for everything,
and that's just as awkward.
See, this is why you
don't have rich friends.
Never friend up. You
always want to friend down.
If you friend up,
eventually, you got to come
back to your crappy life,
and it just feels crappier.
If you friend down, when
you come home to this,
doesn't feel so bad.
Don't listen to your dad.
There's nothing wrong
with having a rich friend.
I had a friend in
college... Bonnie Edwards.
Her dad owned a Spencer's Gifts.
She paid for everything.
And are you guys still friends?
No. She thought I was a sponge,
and it eventually tore us apart.
But I got to go to her lake house
and learn how to water-ski.
Hang on a sec. Where's
all this money coming from?
Well, I've been using my Spudsy's money,
and I popped all the quarters
out of my 50 states collector's book,
and I've been donating plasma.
I'm not exactly sure what plasma is,
and I don't know if you need it,
but, from the way I've been feeling,
I'm guessing you do.
Sue, you got to come clean.
You're too young to be in debt.
It's different for us.
We have a long-range financial plan
where we die before we
have to pay anybody off.
But you don't have that cushion.
Your dad is right... you
need to be up front with Lexie
and tell her you're on a budget.
If she really likes you, she'll understand.
Mm. Okay.
Yeah, you're right.
I'll tell her.
But before I do, I'm just checking...
gestating a child for another couple
is kind of a big commitment, right?
I would say with all of the
extracurriculars you have, yeah.
Ugh. Yep. That's what I thought.
Oh, hey.
Where were you? It
wasn't on the memo board.
Oh, right. Sorry.
I was at home.
Listen, Lexie, I have
something to tell you.
Me first.
Taylor Swift added another concert,
and I called and managed
to get two V.I.P. tickets.
Are you in?
Oh, I'm in.
I'm in deep.
Mike!
Mike, I figured it out!
- Oh, my god!
- What?
The piece! I know what it goes to.
It's the rubber-gaskety-thing
that holds the dryer door shut.
See? It goes right there.
Ah! Now we don't have to
use that stupid broomstick.
Oh, my god.
We always have so many random pieces.
We never know what they go to.
But this time, we did it.
We made something in this
house a little less broken.
Who needs a present? It's
a Valentine's day miracle!
I threw it out yesterday.
What?!
Oh!
Okay, then I want flowers.
And chocolate... the good kind,
with the candy map that
tells you what's inside
so I don't get stuck with the cherry.
But wait till tomorrow, when it's 50% off.
Well, I'm doomed.
My entire production schedule
has been completely thrown into chaos!
Why? What happened?
I lost my actors.
Cindy called, and she said
she has a sore throat
and her great-aunt died.
Then Troy called
and says he has the flu
and his great-uncle died.
I mean, what are the odds
of both of them being sick
and having dead relatives on the same day?
Slim, Brick... very slim.
What are you saying?
Well, you have been kind
of hard on your friends.
"No bathroom breaks!
You'll eat when you get it right!"
It may not be fun for them anymore.
Or ever.
But I'm the director.
It's my job to bring
"Knots Landing" to life.
I mean, a writer wrote this.
All I want to do is be
faithful to the material
and make sure it's executed
to the promise of the script.
Look, I'm just saying,
Troy and Cindy volunteered to help you.
You might start being
a little nicer to them.
You can't afford to lose friends, Brick.
You don't have a lot of options.
Okay, I... I get it. I'll talk to them.
But what am I gonna do now?
The project's due tomorrow,
and I don't have the final scene.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, Mack, there's so many considerations...
The kids...
- Uh-huh.
- This is a big step for them.
- Uh-huh.
- And I'm having your baby.
Who sits like this?
Nobody sits like this.
Mack and Karen sit like that, okay?
And you're not even saying your lines.
You should be happy I'm here.
Let's just skip ahead
to the kiss/talking part.
Mom, I'm gonna need you
to pick up the slack here.
Got it, got it, got it.
Okay, settle.
And action!
You're half Sicilian.
You're a man.
We're gonna fight a lot.
But I'll work on it. 'Cause
I want you to be happy.
This is dumb.
I'm out.
Great. What am I supposed to do now?
Who can I get to step in at the last minute
who loves to perform?
Oh, Mack, there's so many considerations...
The kids...
- I know.
- This is a big step for them.
- I know.
- And I'm having your baby.
It's all happening so fast.
Not fast enough for me.
Oh, Karen, let's raise this baby together.
So, you'll marry me?
Probably.
I was hoping for a "yes."
I can handle "no,"
but I can't make love to "probably."
Well, you'll have to
learn... until I'm ready.
This is magic.
Magic!
Oh, hey, Lexie, have you seen my shampoo?
Oh, I got us new matching shower caddies,
and when I put your bottle in it,
there was hardly any
left, so I threw it out.
What?
Wait, no.
Why would you throw it
out without asking me?
Did I do something wrong?
Oh, my god.
Was it one of those
bottles with the fake bottom
where you hide all your expensive jewelry?
What? No.
- No, no, no, no.
- Lexie, it was just shampoo.
But I use my shampoo till it's gone,
and then I fill it up with
water and I shake that up,
and I use that till it's gone.
I cut open my toothpaste tubes
and scrape out the last bits.
I smush together all my soap slivers
till it becomes one big franken-soap.
Do you see where I'm going with all this?
I'm poor, Lexie!
I'm poor.
Oh.
Well... you know, I'm
not exactly rich, either.
Oh, Lexie, believe me... you're rich.
Is it because I have a horse?
He's really old.
Okay.
Look, Lexie...
You're great and amazing,
and I so, so, so, so, so
want you to be my roommate.
But, honestly, I can't afford it.
I mean, if you want to find someone else
who you can do stuff
with, I totally get it.
What? No! You're my roommate.
God, I feel like such an idiot
for putting you in this position.
I didn't even think.
Seriously, I will pay for everything.
I have, like, three emergency credit cards.
That's really sweet,
but I can't let you pay.
You'll think I'm a sponge.
It happened to my mom once,
and she doesn't water-ski anymore.
But I don't want to do fun
stuff if you can't do fun stuff.
Don't worry about me. I'm
used to not doing fun stuff.
Years of practice.
Ugh, but seriously, do you
think you can find someone else
to go to Taylor Swift with?
I just can't afford V.I.P. tickets.
So, they found a way to go to the concert
that Sue could afford.
I hope she does "Shake It Off."
Wait.
I think this is "Shake It Off."
We love you, Taylor!
Whoo!
Hey.
- What's going on?
- Oh, yeah.
You weren't here yesterday.
You didn't hear the news.
They're shutting down the
entire fruit pie division.
- What?
- Yep.
Today's our last day.
Tough day, huh? Tough day.
I don't understand. What happened?
I took your suggestion
about the fruit pies.
Young people aren't eating them.
They're never gonna eat them.
Every now and then, you
just got to face the facts
and fire 50 people.
- No! Wait.
- That's not what I meant.
I love fruit pies.
I mean, come on.
Look at this thing.
Oh!
Mmm!
This is delicious.
I'm gonna tell all my friends about this.
Everything's gonna be okay!
No. You were right.
It's an old pastry.
Sometimes you just have to cut your losses.
Your first bloodbath is the toughest.
But I tell ya, Axl,
if you keep coming up
with those great ideas,
you might have my job someday.
Oh, god.
Cindy, Troy, it has come
to my attention via my mom
that I might have been
engaging in some bad behavior.
In fact, the word "tyrant"
has been bandied about.
Anyway, I just want to say
that if that's true, I'm sorry.
I'm kind of new at this friendship thing,
and I guess I'm not very good at it.
It's okay.
My mom said I should apologize for flaking.
She said I should be nicer to my friends
'cause I don't have a lot of options.
My mom said the same thing.
So we're still friends?
- Yeah.
- Sure.
Good.
Maybe we should do something
that a group of friends does, then.
What do friends do?
I think they get French fries.
Okay. I'll see you guys at the fry place.
Wait.
I think when they go, they
might actually go together.
Yep, sometimes the key to friendship
is not having a lot of other options.
So you've got to be
grateful for what you have,
because when you think about it,
aren't we all just random pieces
lost in the carpet of life,
looking for where we fit?
Karen, would you do me
the honor of being my wife?
There are so many considerations.
Yeah, yeah.
... the kids... It's just...
We have to talk to them about it.
Absolutely.
Well?
- Probably.
- Uh-huh.
I mean, it's just...
It's really more complicated than it seems.
It's not complicated, it's simple.
You either love me or don't.
If you love me, it's a "yes."
If you don't, it's a "no."
So, do you love me?
Yes.
See? It's simple.
So, we'll be married, right?
Probably.