The Middle (2009–2018): Season 5, Episode 9 - The Christmas Tree - full transcript

[ Crow caws ]

[ Humming "Deck The Halls" ]

Frankie: Christmas spirit--

this year, it hit
the most unlikely of scrooges.

Mwah!

Yeah, you don't
have to be this excited

my parents aren't coming
for Christmas.

Yes, I do.

No parents means
no air mattress,

no sharing the TV,

no waking up to Tag reaching



for a high shelf
in his sleep shirt.

Matter of fact, this year,
don't get me any presents.

You already got me
everything I wanted.

Oh, Mike, I bought those
special for Axl.

She wouldn't let me
have one either.

I got a half a pop-tart
and an olive.

Shh.

I'm just excited
that your brother's coming home

for his first Christmas
from college.

Don't worry. Someday,
I'll be happy you're here, too.

Ooh, where did you get
the new book light?

From school--
this is the prize you get

for selling 20 rolls
of wrapping paper.

You sold 20 rolls
of wrapping paper?



That I did not do,

but I'm not worried
'cause they said

I don't need to give them
any money till January.

Wait a minute.

The snowman wrapping paper
in my closet

that I convinced myself
I bought in February

'cause I wish I was more
organized than I actually am?

- That would be it.
- [ Sighs ]

Brick, I wrapped
all our presents in that.

Oh, that'll be $97,

and if you wouldn't mind saying

your sales rep
was courteous and professional.

Yeah, there's no way I'm
paying $97 for wrapping paper.

You're just gonna
have to unwrap it

and get it all back
on the roll.

But won't I see my presents?

Yeah, they're not that great.

[ Door opens ]

Axl: Ho ho ho!
The Ax-Man is ho-ho-home!

Whoo! Axl's home!

Axl's home, everybody!

- Oh!
- Ah.

[ Laughs ]
There's my college boy!

How was the drive?
Are you hungry?

Starving. Lates.

Oh. Oh, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

I was so excited
to hear about college

and how your exams went--
well, exam.

Yeah, uh, Darrin
got the new Xbox,

so me and Sean
are heading over to his place.

Oh, okay.

Well, uh, will you be home
for dinner?

- Nope.
- Oh.

Well, then I guess
we'll see you tomorrow.

[ Muffled ] Only if you're
looking at my picture

in the hallway.

Oh, come on, Axl.
We have to see you tomorrow.

We were all gonna get the tree
and decorate it as a family.

Yeah, that's a definite no.

Uh, that's a definite yes.

- What?
- This is a family holiday.

If you think
you're gonna come home

and blow off your family
for the entire Christmas,

you got another thing coming.

What? All of a sudden,
Christmas is about family?

I'm asking for two minutes.

I don't have to be
here for the family!

It's Christmas! We
haven't seen you!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What's going on?

Apparently, mom was planning to

hold me hostage all Christmas.

Oh, you think
I'm holding you hostage?

- I'll hold you hostage. You're grounded!
- What?!

I've been home
for three minutes,

and I'm already grounded?

Oh! This is
the worst Christmas ever!

Hey. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's not start
throwing that phrase around.

This is the best Christmas ever

'cause it's just
with the family...

- [ Sighs ]
- ...like God intended.

Mom is being totally unfair.

I just got here,
and she's already telling me

I can't hang out
with my friends!

I did not say that.

I said you couldn't hang out
with just your friends.

You said it again!
You-- you just said it again!

All I'm asking is for you to spend
a little time with your family.

- All right, all right.
- All of a sudden, I can't see my friends.

- Really!
- Let's have everybody just take a breath.

Now, why don't you

each make up a list
of the stuff you want?

And I'm sure we can come
to a fair agreement

and have the best Christmas
we've ever had.

I'm happy to do that.

Fine.

Axl?!

What, now?!

Okay, I've looked at
the entire winter break,

and I'm gonna write down
the number of hours

I'm comfortable spending
with you people.

Two?!

You may spend them all at once
or spread them out.

- Axl!
- What?

God, why are you
so focused on me?

I liked it better last year when
grandma and grandpa were here.

Hey. Don't even
joke about that.

[ Sighs ]
Okay, then I'll start.

Well, Tuesday night,
I really want you

to come to Ehlert's
with us so we can

all pick out
a Christmas tree together.

Sue: [ Gasps ] I love
picking out the Christmas tree!

Yeah, that's not gonna for me.

I'm going night sledding with a
bunch of people at Killer Hill.

Well, if you come with us
to pick up the tree,

I could push the decorating
till after.

[ Sighs ] Can't we just
get the tree the next night?

If you can make that work,

I'd be willing to throw in
two family dinners

with light conversation.

I was gonna
do cookies Wednesday,

but I could move the cookies,

and I will hold you
to your offer on the meals.

Fine.

I will give you Wednesday,
but that's a no on the cookies.

Can you do cookies on Thursday?

- I'm not doing cookies at all.
- Not even--

- Cookies are off the table.
- Understood.

Then I have to hold firm
to Thursday.

Thursday, we're having chili
and doing the Christmas puzzle.

[ Gasps ] I love
doing the Christmas puzzle!

It takes like a year
to do that thing,

and there's so many
missing pieces.

It's just a bunch of wise men
in robes looking at a hole.

Listen, I'm not giving up
the Christmas puzzle,

but there is
a little wiggle room

on caroling
with the church choir.

Oh, I love caroling!
Dad, will you go with me?

Uh, sorry, Sue, but your mom
already took it off the table.

Now, the following
Tuesday night,

I will be going to a bonfire
by the lake.

On Christmas Eve?!
Are you kidding me?

That's definitely
a family night.

We've all having cocoa
and watching "White Christmas."

Every year, you say
you're gonna watch it,

and you and dad end up
with your hands down your pants,

watching football.

Well, not this year.

I bought a copy on eBay,
and we are doing it.

It's nonnegotiable.

Oh, we get a nonnegotiable.

Good. Then my nonnegotiable
is Joe's rager on Sunday!

Fine. Then it looks like
we have a deal.

Pleasure doing business
with you.

Mm.

Wrapping paper
is all ready to be returned.

Mike: You better hope Santa

puts an extra 97 bucks
in your stocking, pal,

'cause this one's on you.

Still, best Christmas ever.

Family trip to
the Christmas-tree lot-- check!

Don't wait up!

Frankie: Axl, you're still
on the clock!

Now get back here
and help us bring in the tree!

[ Sighs ]

I can't believe we finally
got a big tree this year.

Our house is gonna be like
a magical Christmas wonderland.

Now that I'm helping
carry this thing in,

I'm gonna need you
to let me go to Hooters

on Christmas
to watch football with my boys.

First of all, you're not
going to Hooters on Christmas.

Second, have you seen
the Orson Hooters?

Yeah.

Oh, this is so exciting!

I can't believe
we actually have

an "in front of
the window" tree.

So, if we knew
the tag was mis-marked,

shouldn't we have told the guy
at the tree lot?

Well, Brick, that's
an interesting dilemma.

And if you're rich, then yes.

All right.
Hope everybody's happy.

'Cause that's where it's staying
till Valentine's Day.

- [ Sighs ]
- Scissors.

[ Gasps ]

[ Spits ]

Brick?!
Where's Brick?!

Brick: In here!
Can't find my way out.

Which wasn't the only situation

he was stuck
finding his way out of.

Yep, he had to find $97,
and fast.

Happy holidays,
Mr. Webber.

I'll be here
only while supplies last.

Tell your friends.

What you got going there?

Oh, I'm selling popcorn
for the church.

This mood ring is the prize
for selling 30 tins.

So, what do you say?
Can I put you down for 28 tins?

I'm using the money
from the popcorn

to pay back
the wrapping-paper people.

Uh-huh.

How are you gonna pay back
the popcorn people?

According to my mood ring,
I'm not that worried about it.

Frankie:
Hey, perfect timing.

We just started
decorating the tree.

Started?
I'm almost done.

Axl, what are you doing?

You can't just
fling stuff at the tree.

You have to care.

Oh, no, mnh-mnh.

I looked at the terms
of our agreement,

and our deal
has no mention of caring.

Come on, Axl,
stop being snarky.

You know your mom.

She won't count this as a family
event unless you enjoy it.

Well [Sighs] okay, fine. It's a blast.

I'm having an explosion of fun!

Uh, okay,
now you're being sarcastic.

You're being
snarky and sarcastic,

and I don't think
any of us want to hear

any more of your...
snarcasm.

[ Gasps ] Look!
This one's my favorite!

[ Sneezes ]

Do you mind?

I have a few fun things
I'm still allowed to go to,

and I can't afford to get sick.

I'm not sick!
[ Sneezes ]

Oh, I'm perfectly fine.

I have no idea
why I'm sneezing.

[ Sniffs ]

[ Sneezes, sighs ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Sneezing ]

[ Laughs ]

Oh, no! [ Gasps ]

I'm allergic to Christmas!

[ Sneezes ]

So, apparently, our new,
giant Christmas tree

had created a new,
giant Christmas allergy,

but Sue had a solution.

I didn't say it was a good one.

[ Beep ] [ Distorted voice ]
Mom, we need more sprinkles

on these Santa cookies.

[ Normal voice ] Can you believe
the prairie scouts

gave me this awesome
voice modulator

just for selling
peppermint bark?

You realize
you're gonna have to use

the peppermint-bark money
to pay off the popcorn people?

[ Beep ] [ Distorted ]
Right.

[ Distorted breathing ]

Hey. What's going on
with your arms?

Are you breaking out in hives?

Hives?

No, dad [Laughs] don't be silly.

These are just excitement bumps

because I am so pumped
for Christmas.

[ Sneezes ]

There she goes.
Time to rinse again.

- [ Clears throat, sniffs ]
- These need more sprinkles.

That's what I told her.

All right,
have fun making cookies

with Megaphone Boy
and Snot Cousteau.

[ Laughs ]

BT-dubs, Joe's party's
gonna be slammin'.

So, uh, don't wait up for me.

♪ fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-lame ♪

[ Laughs ]

There-- I went caroling.
That's a freebie.

[ Sneezes ]

[ Slurping ]

Mm. Hey, mom.

Can I interest you
in a decorative crock-pot cozy?

Now you can
leave your crock-pot out

where everyone can see

and save yourself
unwanted embarrassment.

It's for the women's club.

These glasses are the prize
for being their top seller.

Let me guess.

You're using the cozy money

to pay off
the peppermint-bark people.

Exactly.

Brick, you're running
a Ponzi scheme.

A Ponzi-what, now?

[ Sighs ]

You're using money
you don't have

to pay off the debt
you had before,

and now you got to go
into even more debt

to pay off this debt.

It's an endless cycle.
You're never gonna catch up.

Isn't that what you guys do
with your credit cards?

Well, yeah, but we're gonna die
before they catch us.

Hmm.

[ Slurping ]

Sue: Oh, my God,
call the police!

- What? What's going on?
- What?

Somebody stole
our Christmas tree!

- [ Breathing heavily ]
- Sue, calm down. Nobody stole anything.

I took it to the curb.

What?!
I love that tree!

Why would you
get rid of the tree?

Because it was
slowly killing you?

Frankie:
A-a-and think about it.

Christmas isn't about
the tree, right?

It's about the spirit, and look.
We decorated a new tree.

That's not a tree!

Of course it is about the tree.

There isn't one Christmas song
that doesn't mention a tree.

"Oh, Christmas plant"?

I don't think so!

Oh, my God.
I ruined Christmas!

[ Sighs ]
You heard her, people.

She ruined Christmas.

Oh, well. Guess I'll just have
to find something else to do.

I think there's
a bonfire tomorrow night.

No, Axl. Christmas Eve
was my nonnegotiable.

You already got yours.

But I made the wrong choice!

Joe's party was so lame.
It shouldn't even count.

After we made cookies, I had to
jitterbug with his grandma.

She kept touching my face.
She called me Donald.

[ Sighs ]

Look, I'm sorry,
but we had a deal.

It's gonna be fun,

and trust me, you're gonna love
"White Christmas."

It's one of the best
movie musicals of all time.

Oh, my God.
It's a musical?!

That should have been disclosed

at the beginning
of negotiations!

Why? [ Moans ]

I felt sorry for Axl,
but not that sorry.

He made a deal,
and now he needed to go limp,

stop fighting it, and get into
the freakin' spirit already.

I know I was.

[ Humming "Deck The Halls" ]

I can definitely
get you three plants, Mr. Hayes.

But if you want them
by Christmas Eve,

I'm gonna have to
add a $5 rush fee.

All right.

[ Beep ]

Brick...

It's okay.

I'm gonna use the money
from these

to pay for the cozies, which
paid for the peppermint bark,

which paid for the popcorn,

which paid for
the wrapping paper.

How are you gonna pay
for the poinsettias?

Oh, these were free.
I got them from the park.

What park?

The park with the dead people.

The cemetery?!

You stole flowers
from the cemetery?!

What the hell
were you thinking?!

[ Sighs ]
Quick, get these inside.

Sue: A little higher
a-and just a tad lower.

Hi, mom.
Isn't this a great idea?

I can still
see the tree from here,

but I'm not sneezing anymore.

I am gonna stay in here
all Christmas!

[ Sighs ]

Okay.
Now, lower still.

Unh-unh.
Split the difference.

Okay, since it's Christmas Eve,

I'm gonna let you open your gifts

- from grandma and grandpa.
- [ Gasps ]

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy new year ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What did you guys get?!

Is it good?!
Hold it up so I can see it!

Wow, electronic poker.
"Better than Pong."

Awesome.

Axl.

Hey!

[ Paper rustles ]

[ Gasps ]

They got me a book
on interpreting dreams!

I have always dreamed
of getting one of these!

I wonder what that means? [ Gasps ] Oh!

All right, Axl,
take all this to the garbage,

and I will microwave
the hot chocolate

so we can watch
"White Christmas"!

[ Doorbell rings ]

[ Gasps ] Oh, there's the door!
Who's there?! Who's there?!

Is someone at the door?!
[ Knock on door ]

Is someone knocking?!

- Happy holidays!
- Happy holidays!

Is Axl home?

Uh, sure. Come on in.

Axl!

[ Gasps ]

Oh, my gosh.
Look, Court.

The Hecks are hosting
a sick child for the holidays.

Isn't that sweet?

So sweet!

Hi, bubble girl.

I'm not a bubble girl.
I'm Sue.

We've met so many times.
I-I'm Axl's sister.

No, I don't think so.

Does Axl have a sister, Court?

No, he's never mentioned
a sick sister to me, Deb.

I'm not sick!
I live here!

That's right.
You live!

You live every single day

like it's your last,
bubble girl!

[ Gasps ] We're totally gonna do
a charity fun run for you

when the weather gets warmer.

Hey! What up, ladies?!

Uh, please do not feed the Sue.

We've sealed it into
its natural dork-itat

and can't find anything
that'll mate with it, so...

[ Clicks tongue ]

Ohh!

Do you want to ride with us
to the bonfire?

They're asking people
to carpool

'cause the party's
gonna be so huge, right, Deb?

Totally. All the cheerleaders
are coming,

even the new Swedish girl
who just broke up

with her boyfriend.

Oh! [ Groans ]

Seriously, I need to go to
this bonfire, please.

I'm not above begging here.

Please, I've never asked you
for anything in my life!

First of all, you have.

Second of all, no.
It's Christmas Eve.

You committed to being
with the family-- end of story.

Wow. Your grandma's
really strict.

- Isn't she, Deb?
- Super strict.

Well, bye, Axl.

We'll think of you
when we're doing

our naked polar-bear plunge
in Briar's Pond.

[ Breathing heavily ]

Oh... my God!
[ Door closes ]

Can this night get any worse?

I had to water down the cocoa
'cause we're low on milk,

and don't eat
the snowman cookies

'cause they're rank
for some reason,

but it's all good 'cause we are
gonna watch "White Christmas"!

Sue: [ Gasps ]
Oh, is it starting?!

Can you turn it up louder?

Oh, my God.
This movie's so old!

What's a VistaVision?

[ Speaking German ]

What are they saying?

[ Clicking ] Wait. How do
you turn this to English?

Irving Berlin's
"Weisse Weihnachten"?

Frankie, you bought
the thing in German.

What?

Oh, damn it!
[ Sighs ]

I knew 72 cents
was too good of a deal.

- Well... we tried.
- [ Sighs ]

Darn, I was really looking
forward to watching this.

- [ Grunts ]
- You're not going anywhere.

Besides, I've seen this
a million times.

I can explain what's happening.

- [ Conversing in German]
- Okay, now, this is the war part.

Axl, you should like that.

And that's the general.

Oh, and those two soldiers
are song-and-dance men.

Song-and-dance men?

What are they gonna do--
bore the enemy into submission?

You know, this is all
just setup. Let's move ahead.

[ Fast-forwarding ]

Oh, oh, oh, oh!
This part is so funny!

Okay, they have to pretend
to be women

and get on a train
to leave town

'cause they didn't pay
their rent.

When Bing Crosby finds out,
he gets so mad!

Sue: Ha!
It sounds funny, mom!

I can't see it,
but it sounds funny.

So, they dress up like women

to escape the police
on the train?

No, they dress up
like women to perform

so the policemen
have to stay and watch.

Uh, I'm not
explaining it right.

[ Slurps ]
Ow, ow, ow, hot, hot!

Wait, who does George Clooney's
aunt fall in love with?

Bob, Bing Crosby.
They sang a song together.

Here. Let me go back.

Oh, no!
[ Groans ]

No more going back!
I can't believe this!

All my friends from high school
are back in town

at the world's
most awesome bonfire,

and I'm stuck here,
talking to you people,

drinking cocoa water,

and watching some weird
German war movie

where dudes sit around
in bow ties,

singing to each other!

Don't you get it?
I'm older now.

I'm an adult,
and I have rights.

This is my vacation, too,
and I'm glad you love the movie!

I love bonfires!
Well, you know what?!

You can make me
stay in this house,

but you can't make me
watch this movie!

[ Door slams ]

You want me to go get him?

No. You know what?
He's right.

This is lame.

Why don't you tell him
to go to his party?

- You sure?
- Yeah, I'm sure.

[ Sighs ]

Hey, what's--
what's happening?

Who's walking by?
Are we taking a break?

[ Knock on door ]
Hey.

Why don't you go ahead
and go to that bonfire?

Seriously?

Yeah.

Yes!
This is awesome!

[ Laughs ]
Thanks, dad.

I knew you'd come through
for me.

Actually, it was
your mom's idea to let you go.

[ Scoffs ] Really? [ Laughs ]

Look, Axl, you're home
from college,

and you want to spend time
with your friends.

- We get that.
- Yeah.

But, uh, your mom knows
she's only got you

for a few more years, and,
well, it's not just your mom.

It's me, too.

Time goes fast, you know,

the whole
"Cat's In The Cradle" thing.

That's why I wanted to have
Christmas with just the family.

Well, that, and your
grandparents are nuts.

Yeah. [ Laughs ]

Hey, what's
"Cat's In The Cradle"?

Well, it's a song from the '70s.
You've heard it.

Uh, no.
[ Chuckles ]

"My child arrived
just the other day,

came into the world
in the usual way."

"There were planes to catch
and bills to pay.

He learned to walk
while I was away."

Anyway, the kid
goes off to college and...

gets married, you know,
starts a family,

and the dad starts to
slow down, and...

"I've long since retired.
My son's moved away.

I called him up
just the other day.

Said, 'I'd like to see you
if you don't mind.'

He said, 'I'd love to, dad,
if I could find the time.

See, my new job's a hassle,
and the kids have the flu,

but it's sure nice
talking to you, dad.

It was sure...'"

[ Sighs ]

Anyway...
it was a pretty famous song.

Have fun at the bonfire.

Yep. I will.

Hey, Sue.
What you doing out here?

I finally figured out
a way to enjoy the tree

and still breathe.

So pretty.

Well, it really is.

I'm glad we got
the big tree this year.

Me too.

Next year, we're getting
an artificial one.

I know.
[ Door opens ]

[ Sighs ] Hey.

What you guys doing?

Just sitting out here,
enjoying the sights.

Mm.

Hmm.

[ Groans ]

[ Door closes ]
Hey.

I thought you were
going to the bonfire.

[ Sighs ] Yeah.
I don't know.

I was a little tired, so...
just decided to hang here.

[ Dog barks in distance ]

[ Man singing
"White Christmas" in German ]

So, it's like this kid's born,

and he starts to grow up,

and he wants to be
just like his dad.

And they have a cat?

I'm not exactly sure
where the cat comes in

[Sniffs] or the cradle, but, basically
[Sighs]

this kid just wants to hang out
with his dad all the time,

but his dad's too busy
with work.

And then at
the end of the song,

the dad's like [Clears throat] really old.

All he wants to do is
spend time with his kid,

but now the kid's busy
with his own family,

and, uh... he just
can't find the time.

What happens?

Does he get to spend time
with his son?

[ Sighs ]

The song doesn't say, but [Inhales deeply]

the kid's pretty busy, so...

[ Voice breaking ] I'm assuming
the dad eventually dies.

***

I'm calling dad at work.