The Middle (2009–2018): Season 5, Episode 8 - The Kiss - full transcript

Some stories end with
a ride off into the sunset.

Some stories end
with a tearful goodbye.

But my favorite stories are
the ones that end with a kiss.

Hey, Mike, guess what.

I just got off the phone
with Janet--

No, we're not going to your
sister's house for Christmas

or doing one of those big
summer things at the lake

or getting a picture made
with everybody

while people are still alive.

Will you let me finish?

Janet and Gary are taking Lucy
on a parenting weekend



for "taming your violent kid"
or something,

and they want us
to house-sit!

Why would we want to do that?

Oh, I don't know--

'cause their house is nice
and ours isn't?

Come on, we can get away
for the weekend,

just the two of us--
it's romantic.

Ew!
You guys?

What?
We're romantic.

I've never even seen you kiss.

We kiss.
We kiss all the time.

See?

Yeah, you guys should go.

Campus police!



Axl Heck,
we know you're in there!

- We're here to remove you from campus!
- What?!

What?! Yeah!

Ohhh!

Yeah!

This is gonna be
the best weekend ever!

You bet it is!

I thought it was Wednesday.

So, prepare yourselves
for awesomeness,

'cause I've got like five
parties lined up for later.

Nice.

So, what do you guys
want to do now?

Okay, so, remember, the house
makes a lot of weird noises,

but there's no reason
to get scared.

The "ca-chunk, ca-chunk"
is the refrigerator,

the "braaaaaaa-unk"
is the heater,

and the "da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da"
is the washer lid.

If it gets too loud,
just put more tape on it.

Not to worry, mom.
We'll be fine.

Mm-hmm.

Well, you'd bell, you'
'cause I'm not driving back,

even if there's a guy outside
with a knife.

Mike, that's not gonna happen.

They caught that guy.

What?!

You'll be fine.

All righty.

We'll see you guys!

Be good, now.

Bye, guys!

Have a good time!

And don't you worry
about a thing,

because Sue Heck
is on the case!

Brick, we are gonna have--

Brick?

Brick?!

This is nice--

like being at the beach,
but in a tiny room.

Yeah.

So, Ax-Man,
how's the talent out here?

Gettin' out there?

Yeah. Yeah, I've been
going out some, but, uh

I don't know.
Never mind.

What?

It's kinda weird,

but, uh... anyway, I...
keep thinking about Cassidy.

I knew it!
You're still into her!

Maybe! I don't know.

Have you talked to her?

No. I haven't seen her
since graduation.

Well, maybe you need to see her
again, face-to-face,

see how you feel.

Yeah, I'll just
drive 10 hours to Vassar, sure.

Yes! Road trip!

No. We're not going
on a--

Road trip!

Seriously. Dudes.
Get real.

We already called
"Road trip."

We have to do it!

That-- that is
the rule of "Road trip."

- Road trip!
- Road trip! - Road trip!

Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, wow!

It's like being on vacation!

The minute we got in the car
without the kids,

it was a vacation.

You know, if you
play your cards right,

this could be
a very nice weekend.

You're telling me.
Look at that TV!

The game's on!

Yeah.

All right, well,
you watch your game

while I soak
in the jacuzzi tub,

where I won't have to turn on
the hot water with pliers.

All right.
I will see you later.

I might even
slip on a negligee.

Really?

Well, a clean night shirt--
you know, the one with the lace?

It had a bloodstain from Brick's
nosebleed, but it's mostly out.

Oh, I like that one.

Brick?

Oh, Brick!

Oh, my God, there you are!

Ah! Boom.
Old easter candy.

When the cat's away.

Could be from previous owners.

Brick, you scared me to death!

I am in charge.

That means I need to know
where you are at all times.

All times!

I thought this weekend
was gonna be fun.

It will be!

But it has to be safe.
Safe fun!

That's why--

What was that?

Probably just the refrigerator.

Oh, wait--
we have a dog now!

Oh, right!

This is so unfair.
I called shotgun.

I told you-- you have to see
the car before you call shotgun.

Since when?

Since the beginning of shotgun!

Oh, my God, let it go, Darrin.

We're in Ohio now.
Once you cross state lines,

you got to stop
complaining about shotgun.

I thought we were
going to New York.

- Are we lost?
- You are.

Guess they don't teach geography
in air-conditioning school.

No, but I'll tell you
what I do know.

It's 80 bucks an hour
to fix an air conditioner,

so suck it, college boys!

Man, Cassidy
is gonna be blown away

when you show up at her door
and lay one on her--

totally awesome move.

Damn straight!

Unless... I open the door

and she's making out
with her new boyfriend.

That would be
slightly less awesome.

Wait. This is insane.

How did I think
I could do this?!

I know nothing
about her life--

who she's with,
what she's doing.

She may not even remember me!

That's it.
I'm turning around.

- Glossner!
- Glossner!

Wh-what is Diaper Glossner
doing here?!

Whatever he wants!

This is bad.

My American Girl
Babysitting manual

did not prepare me for this!

How did he even get in here?

Did you leave the door open?

I was looking for you!

This is all your fault.

Unh-unh.
Don't pin this on me.

You're the one in charge.

Oh.

Um, maybe we should
call his mom.

Rita Glossner? Sure.

What's the number
for the lady prison?

Okay. Okay.

We can do this.

Diaper Glossner is just a kid.

He probably doesn't even know
anyone is home.

We'll just go out,
talk really loud,

and then he'll get scared
and leave.

- All right.
- Okay.

Shh!

Got any beer in the fridge?

Yeah, we got beer.

That's why I'm drinkin' pop.

Hey, what'd mom say
about the attitude?

Nothin'.

Two Glossners?!

Well, I couldn't
get the bath to work.

It's got this keypad,

and every time
I got the jets to come on,

the water would drain.

Anyway, I got my feet wet,
so that was nice.

Why aren't you
watching the game?

'Cause I can't figure out
how to turn on the TV.

Did you press the "On" button?

Okay, I didn't press the "On"
button 'cause I can't find it.

Oh, you just need
some fresh eyes.

So, which remote did you use?

I don't know.
They all look alike!

Uhh... this looks like
the one for the TV.

Let's see what
Janet's instructions say.

Mm.

"Input"... "Input"...
"Satellite"... "TV source."

I don't see "TV source."

Come on, Frankie.

I've already missed
half the game.

Where are ya, you little...

Oh!
Here it is!

Now what do I do?

Well, I don't know,
'cause I don't have my glasses.

"Slide button
to 'AV 2.'"

I don't see it.

Wait-- how do you slide
a button, anyway?

You must have misread it.

No! I--

It says right here--
"Slide button to 'AV 2.'"

I think I know how to read.

I see...
"Display. Format. Sync."

Okay. Hold on.
Here.

You really need to get
your own glasses.

I don't need 'em.

Oh! Found it.

It's on the side.

Mm. The TV should be on.

Come on, damn it!
Do something!

All right.
Wait. Hold on.

Way to go, Fonzie.

You know, even though
I'm not gonna see Cassidy,

this has been pretty awesome.

Super awesome.

Although,
even if she had a boyfriend,

you showin' up would have been
insanely romantic.

Yeah.

Would have been
a serious power move

that would have rocked
Cassidy's world.

We're goin' back!

Oh!

I think the Glossners
went down to the basement.

What are we gonna do?

I know.

What if we
lay a trail of pop-tarts

from the basement door
to the front door?

Then, when the Glossners
follow the trail out the door,

we slam it
and lock them outside!

Brick, this isn't
a road runner cartoon.

Might I remind you

of a little story
called "Hansel And Gretel"?

- Woop!
- Shhh!

Might I remind you

that the kids ended up
captured by the witch--

and didn't they get eaten?

Well, it depends on
whether you're talking about

the 1812 German version
or the later version where--

Brick!

We have Glossners
in the basement.

Tick-tock!

Great idea, Brick!

Now we have three Glossners
in the house.

It's an infestation!

You know, if Hansel and Gretel

were anything like
the Glossners,

I'm starting to see
the witch's side of the story.

Yeah.

So, Mike and I had dreams
of a romantic dinner,

but, because we're us,

it didn't turn out
exactly as planned.

Shut up and make dinner!

3... 50... bake!

Well, at least I wasn't yelling at Mike.

Activating
defrost sequence now.

Hey, I think I'm zeroing in
on the power button!

Nope!

I think the TV may be
a bigger idiot than the oven.

Cooking complete.

Yeah. I doubt that.

♪ this is the part of me ♪

♪ that you're never gonna
ever take away from me ♪

♪ noooo! ♪

Whoo!

Yeah!

Oh, my God!

What am I doing?

She's gonna think
I'm some ginormous stalker.

Turn around! Turn around!

Whoa, nice cut, man!

I can't believe they're
playing baseball in the house!

It's one thing
to walk in uninvited,

and it's another to fly
in the face of house rules!

I'm just surprised
we have apples!

Anyways, the Glossners should
leave once we cut the power.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

One... two... three.

- I'm scared!
- Me too!

You see that one, too, right?

I don't believe it.

I can't get through to Janet

'cause it keeps asking me
for my nine-digit phone code!

Where is that book with
all the instructions and codes?

I gave it to you--
you threw it at the oven.

Come on!

All I did was hit
the ice-cube button.

Apparently, it thought I wanted
all the ice in the world.

3rd and 10!
He's fading back, and--

And?

And?!

Shouldn't an emergency radio
work in an actual emergency?

Hey.

You know what doesn't need
a remote?

Booze! Ha ha!

Okay.

Not charged.

Damn it, Frankie.

You know, I didn't want
to come here in the first place.

Big shocker--
I'll call Channel 9 news.

What's that supposed to mean?

You know what it means.
You never want to go anywhere.

You're a stick in the mud.

You take your stick and
you plant it right in the mud.

Yeah, well, that's better
than being a "hopes too high."

You get this whole perfect idea
of stuff built up in your head,

and you're always disappointed.

Why? 'Cause your hopes
are too high.

Well, excuse me
for wanting to have fun.

Oh, right,
'cause this is so much fun!

We're old, Frankie.

We passed "fun"
a few miles back.

You think this is turning out
the way I wanted it to?

It's not, but I am
making the best of things.

Your problem is
you can't roll with it.

It's annoying, Mike!

Oh, is that
what we're doing now?

We're telling each other
what annoys us?

'Cause I got stuff.

Just because I said
something annoys me about you

doesn't mean you have to say
something about me.

You chew with your mouth open.

Ever since you turned 40,
you chew with your mouth open.

It reminds me of your dad.

Wow.

How long you been
sitting on that one?

Hey, I was planning on
dying with that info.

You're the one
that kicked this door open.

Oven door open.

Oh, shut up!

That time,
I was yelling at Mike.

Aw, man.

Cassidy loved these chips.

Okay.

Before we waste any more gas,

we've got to figure out
where we're going.

Axl, you've got to decide, man.

What do you want to do?

Dude, it's so obvious
what you got to do.

I agree.

- Don't do it.
- Go for it.

Why is this so hard?

I mean,
I really want to see Cassidy,

but I want to make sure she wants to see
me, but I can't do that until I see her,

but then I will have seen her

without knowing
if she wants to see me!

Sorry.

I'm too hungry to understand
what you just said.

I know.

I could go ballistic
on those onion rings

those people left behind.

Nobody leave
a full plate of onion rings.

They probably just
went to the bathroom.

Who goes to the bathroom
together?

And look at the table--
empty cups and plates. Hmm?

They obviously over-ordered.

Or they're rich.

I've got an uncle
who's an airplane pilot.

Those onion rings
would be nothing to him.

Yeah.

They didn't even
take a doggy bag.

Yeah. You know what?

We should take 'em.

They're just gonna
throw 'em out.

No way,
that doesn't seem right.

Oh, no, that doesn't seem right.

Come on, dude, grow a pair.

Okay, so go get 'em.

No, you get 'em.
You're closer.

Ha ha.

Oh! Darn.
Left my keys in the car.

No, you didn't.
They're right here.

Oh, my God.
These are delicious.

Whoa!
Oh! Look!

Onion-ring goggles!

I'm a British lord!

Hoo-noo-noo!

Look! I'm havin' a thought!
Like in a cartoon!

Excuse me.
Did you take our onion rings?

There's a girl Glossner?
When did that happen?

I don't know.

But she's winning
the farting contest.

Wait a minute!

I've got an idea.
Okay.

We run out the door
screaming, "Fire,"

and then, when they follow us
out the door,

we dart back in
and we lock them out!

I was thinking
of starting a real fire.

But this is better!

Fire! Get out!

Run for your lives!

Who doesn't run
when you yell, "Fire"?

That's just not safe!

Your turn.

Fine.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Aah! Mike! Help!

Aah! Oh!

- Mike!
- What'd you do?!

Nothing!
The machines are rebelling!

What the...

Ugh.

Hey!
What-- what are you doing?!

Having fun!

What?!

- No, no, no, no, no, no!
- How's that feel? Too cold?

All right, all right.
Now you're gonna get it.

Now you're gonna get it!

Hey, whoa!
Whoo-ho-ho-hoo!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Stop it!
That's no fair!

You're taller than me!
You're gonna--

- What's the matter?
- Okay. Okay.

Come on!

No!

Come on.

Oh, move, move!

Come on!

Mom and dad are never
gonna trust me again.

I am a bad, bad babysitter.

I am irresponsible.
I make irrational decisions.

I choke
in stressful situations.

Jump in anytime, Brick.

You haven't said anything
I disagree with yet.

Oh, God.
What are we gonna do?!

Maybe if we just asked them
nicely, they'd leave.

Oh, yeah.

The Glossners
are just gonna leave

'cause we ask them nicely.

They're Glossners, Brick!

The rules of society
don't apply to them.

Think!

Sue, if we turn on each other,
they win.

Well, did you take
their onion rings?

Uh... no.
No, we ordered these.

No, you didn't.

You ordered a bottomless pop
and two glasses.

All right! All right! We took 'em.
It was an honest mistake.

Yeah. Who leaves a full plate
of onion rings unattended?

I say we stop
the finger-pointing,

admit we're all at fault,
and let it go.

Teenagers today...
run wild and steal onion rings,

and it won't stop
until somebody takes a stand.

I'll testify.

I'm not afraid of your gang.

Look. If you can just pay
for the onion rings you ate

and buy them another order,
I can let you off the hook.

Okay, fine. If we could
just borrow 1,200 pennies

from your "Take a penny,
leave a penny" jar...

Oh, uh plus a generous tip.

Because the service here
has been excellent.

I guess I have no choice
but to call the authorities.

Whoa, wait! Um...

If I may, uh,
say something in our defense...

Run!!

I call shotgun!

Shut up, Darrin!

Hello.

Listen.

We've put up with you and
your kinfolk for long enough.

We would kindly like you
to leave our house now.

Okay.

Come on, guys.
Let's go.

Leave the broken pieces.

Screw it.
This place sucks anyways.

So, uh... anyway... thanks.

I only did it because
you asked me... not him.

What are you talking about?

Why do you think
I pull up your shrubs

or knock over your mailbox

or put rocks in the snowballs
I throw at ya?

'Cause you're mean?

Nope.

It's 'cause...
I've always kinda liked ya.

Uh... okay.

It doesn't matter.

I mean, look at ya.

You're a rich girl--

with your above-ground pool,
your two kinds of chips,

and your one dad?

Forget it.
Way out of my league.

See ya around, princess.

So?
Which way are you goin', Axl?

Like I said,

the best stories are the ones
that end with a kiss.

Forgot my keys.

Yup. Sometimes things
don't end up how you expect.

Sometimes, they end
exactly the way you expect.

And sometimes you're not ready
to see how they end.

You just want to hold out hope
a little longer.