The Middle (2009–2018): Season 5, Episode 3 - The Potato - full transcript

Church--

sometimes
you go for fellowship,

sometimes you go
for spiritual nourishment,

and sometimes you go 'cause
they loaned you the church van,

which you kept way too long

'cause your daughter got
her driver's license,

and it was nice
to have an extra car.

Verse 8 says,
"charity never faileth."

Everyone here today

has been touched
by the church's generosity--

some more than others.



What precedes charity
is faith and hope.

You have faith
in the object of your charity,

and you hope that someday,
it will be returned to you.

Crap.
They want the van back.

Thank you. Hey.
Nice to see you.

Have a great week.

Hey!

Reverend Hayver.

Oh, great sermon today.

It was entertaining,
but it also made you think.

We want the van back, Frankie.

Yeah, I know we've had it
for a long time,

but you know how those
insurance companies are.

I mean, they're happy
to take your money,



but once you need
something fixed, good luck.

Am I right?

We know you got your car back.

We drove by your house
last night.

Wow.
Spying on people's houses.

Doesn't seem
very Jesus-ey.

The van is supposed to be used
to help people in need.

Oh, we help people in need.
Right, guys?

- Totally!
- Sure.

Not that I recall.

Just last week, I drove
the Senior Ladies' prayer group

to the beauty parlor.

Yes, and then you made them
sit in the van

while you went shoe shopping.

Who told you that?
Berta?

You know she cheats at bingo.

I need the keys, Frankie.

We hope we can do this
peacefully.

Fine.

Can we at least get our stuff?

I think we might have left
a few things in there.

Did our church
just break up with us?

At least they had the decency

to do it
during football season.

Ugh.
Can you believe that guy?

"Feel free to explore
other religions."

I wouldn't mind checking out
the Christian Scientists.

I hear they have
a very nice reading room.

I don't know why
you guys are complaining.

I'm the one who doesn't
have a car anymore.

I can't go back
to riding the bus.

Do you realize
how big of a dork I'll be

if I get back on that bus?

I miss Axl.

There you are--
finally!

Axl, what's going on?
Why aren't you at college?

I have the world's
worst roommate.

I'm not kidding.

The guy is a total pig.
He leaves his crap everywhere.

Really?

And he farts constantly,

even though he's like
two feet from my head!

Really?

It's impossible
rooming with the guy!

He acts like
I don't even exist.

Really?

Does he eat all your food?

Yes.

Hmm. What is like living
with someone like that?

Mm.

I could tell you some stories.

Anyway, I'm gonna need you guys

to kick in
an extra 50 bucks a month

so I can move
into a single dorm--

$60 gets me a pond view...
just saying.

Great.

I'll just call the bank

and have them release some money
from your discretionary fund.

Awesome.

Now, if you can just scoot
three feet to your right,

this will have been
the perfect conversation.

Axl, we're not giving you
any money.

It's only 50 extra bucks
a month!

Axl, your dad's wearing a belt
he found on a park bench.

We're not giving you
any more money.

Oh, come on!

We have all worked so hard
to get me to where I am.

Now is not the time to give up!

Actually, we're very comfortable
giving up.

So that's it?
You're just gonna cry poverty?

It's not like you guys are doing
everything you could do.

Mom, you can't possibly say
you're working to capacity.

I mean, you're home now,
aren't you?

And, dad, you could pick up
a few extra night shifts.

I mean, what are you rushing
home to, anyway?

Sorry, pal.
You're a big boy now.

You got to start
figuring out things on your own.

Axl, look.

Why don't you just talk
to your roommate,

be diplomatic?

You can be very persuasive
and charming when you want to.

I know. I'm amazing.
What's your point?

Why are we still talking
about this?

We have bigger problems here.

We don't have
the church van anymore.

Do you realize
how big of a dork I will be

if I get back on that bus?

Sue, you don't need a bus
to be a dork.

Your face, clothes,
and personality

will do the job for you.

There it is.

Okay.

I think I figured out a system

for the three of us
to share two cars.

- Sue.
- Just hear me out.

I promise you guys won't
be inconvenienced at all.

You're already wrong,
but go ahead.

All righty.

Dad, you're the blue line,
mom, you're the red line,

and I'm the green car keys.

On Monday,
I'll drive mom to work,

and dad will pick her up
on his way home from the quarry.

Then,
after wrestlerette practice,

I'll grab Brick
from the library,

and dad will drop mom
at the frugal hoosier

on his way
to his softball game.

Now, Tuesday might get
a little complicated.

It involves
four different drop-offs,

and Brick would have to drive,
but only for one block.

Sue... it's not gonna happen.

You're just gonna have to
suck it up and take the bus.

But that's not fair!

Axl got his own car
in high school!

Yeah, and he held two jobs

to pay for the gas
and insurance.

Oh, my God!

I'm 16! I can get a job!

I can work! I'm so lucky!

Yeah, your dad and I pinch
ourselves every day.

Mom, can you drop me off

at the mall this week
after school to job hunt?

Dad could pick me up.

Oh! We'll use
Friday's schedule!

Hold on.
Let me show you.

Uh, it's okay, Sue.

We'll figure something out.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you!

I'm so excited,
I'm gonna go call Carly.

What day can you pick her up
from the mall?

Oh, I said we'll figure
something out-- I meant you.

What is it with kids
always wanting stuff?

Brick's the only one
who's not bugging us lately.

I know, right?

I mean,
his transition to middle school

has been
oddly hassle-free.

I thought for sure

we'd have gotten
"the call" by now.

Don't answer it.

Hello?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

It's "the call."

So, Axl, in a desperate moment,

did something
he'd never done before--

he took his parents' advice.

Whoa! Nice shot!

You've got some mad skills.

Hey.

So, before you destroy
another civilization,

I was thinking maybe we could,
uh, you know,

chat a little.

I mean, what's the use

of getting
randomly assigned to a guy

if you can't get to know him,
am I right?

Okay.

Oh!

Here's an idea--
what do you say

we, uh, clean this place up
a little, hmm?

I'll get it started.

Okay.

Huh. Well, I believe
these bad boys are yours.

So, why don't I just start
a pile for you?

There we go.

Uh, hey!

You done with this
old dental floss, or...

Yuck. Yeah.

Ew.

On second thought...

It's getting pretty late.

I think I'm gonna catch
some Z's.

Whoo!

Hey.

You seen
my pillow anywhere, or...

Oh.

You're sitting on it.

Uh... if I could just...

That's cool.

I'll just ball up some of these
old, dirty clothes instead.

Thank you
for inviting us in today.

I didn't invite you.

This isn't some cocktail party

at your neighbor's
fancy rec room.

You're here
because we have an issue.

Yeah, about that.

We were actually surprised
to get your call.

Things have been going so well.

Yeah, Brick's been
really happy this year.

Oh, has Brick been happy?

Oh, that's great.

Why don't you take
a guess why, hmm?

Time's up!

It's because

he hasn't been attending
any of his classes.

- That's crazy.
- What?

All of his teachers
have reported

that he's not showing up.

But we've been dropping him off
at school every morning.

Where is he going?!

I don't know.

I have 425 kids to worry about.

And you have how many?

Hmm. Let me check.

Oh, that's right-- one.

So, why don't we go ahead
and make that your job, hmm?

Actually, we have three kids,

but Mike's really
in charge of the boys.

Oh, sure--

nobody wants the sixth graders.

They're not cute and adorable
little elementary-school kids.

They're ugly, hormonal,

one-baby-tooth, one-grown-up-tooth
middle-school messes.

And you parents just want
to dump them and run.

We do not dump our kids.

Trust us-- we've tried.
They keep coming back.

Mm. I'm sorry.

Did you think
we're still talking?

We're not.

Brick!

Kids are never around
when you want them

and always around
when you don't.

I am so glad you guys are here.

Brad and I canvassed the mall
looking for job applications,

and I really need help
narrowing down my choices.

Okay, Tacos Olé
has super-cool uniforms,

but the Yamamoto Beef Bowl
smells amazing!

This is so hard!

It's just like Sophie's choice.

My friend Sophie is getting
a puppy for her birthday,

and she can't decide
between a Corgi and a Beagle.

You know, Sue,

there's also a movie
called "Sophie's Choice."

Oh, really?!
Was it about dogs?

Was it sad?

Oh, wait--
don't spoil it for me.

I'm gonna go start filling out
these job applications.

And, you know, a lot of these
don't have space

for a personal essay.

I guess I'll just attach my own.

Well,
look what the cat dragged in.

Hey, Brick.
How was school?

- Great.
- I bet.

I'd like school, too,
if I never had to go to class.

We got a call
from your Principal.

You haven't been going
to any classes?

Come on, Brick.

Lick all the windshields
you want, but go to class.

What are you talking about?

Uh... look,
here's the deal--

you can be quirky
or irresponsible,

but you got to pick one.

But I have been going to class.

Are you lying?

No.

Are you just in so deep

you feel like you can't
get out of the lie?

He's not doing his tell.

Say, "I've been going
to class."

I've been going to class.

Say, "I like sports."

I like sports.

I'm lying.

I swear I've been going
to classes.

Look, here's all the homework
I've been doing.

And here's my Spanish test.

You got
an A-minus on this.

It's one of my favorite
classes.

Now, can I please
go do my homework?

Or as Señor Frederick says,

"¿puedo ir, por favor,
terminar mi tarea ahora?"

I can't believe this.

I cannot believe
that Principal had the nerve

to call us in
and treat us like that!

I told you
not to answer the phone.

Enough is enough!

That place is a big,
bungling bureaucracy,

and somebody needs
to call them on it!

We're going back in there.

Aw, come on!

We're not "go back in" people.

We're "barely show up
in the first place" people.

I'm serious, Mike.
I am sick of that school.

They're falsely accusing Brick,

they had no idea who Sue was,

and God knows
what they did to Axl.

They made us feel like
bad parents,

and we are not bad parents.

Should I describe myself
as loyal--

Not now, Sue!

You are not gonna believe this!

I got an interview!

- Hey!
- Hey!

The Assistant Manager
at Spudsy Malone's

wants to meet me in the mall
on the bench

by the sunglasses kiosk
next to the plant.

He said he wants to meet me
at 3:00 to 3:15,

so I think it's pretty serious.

No one cares about
your stupid interview

at the stupid
potato place, Sue.

Mom, Axl stole my cereal!

Axl, give your sister
the cereal.

Whatevs.

- Mom!
- Mike.

Axl.

Don't take this the wrong way,

but... what the hell
are you doing here?

I couldn't spend another minute
with my nightmare of a roommate,

so I drove home last night
and slept in my bed.

I thought I saw a strange man
standing in my room.

Axl, you can't just come home
anytime you want.

And, Brick, in the future,

if you see a strange man
in your room,

you should probably
scream or run.

Or both.

So, I tried to use
your stupid advice,

which, of course, didn't work,

so I had no other options.

I mean, eventually, I'll meet
a hot chick with a sweet room

I can shack up with,

but this guy is really
starting to affect my studies.

I mean, don't you want me
to do good at school?

Yeah, we want you
to do good at school.

You're not sleeping
and showering here.

Your hot water is up there,
your electricity's up there,

your food's up there.

Basically, everything's
up there except you.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe this!

Unh!

I thought you guys
would miss me!

I'm your firstborn son!

I thought when I came home,
there'd be a big parade,

you'd throw your arms around me,
be thrilled that I'm back,

but no!

I come here for a little love
and support, and I get nothing!

You guys are so selfish!

Well, guess what--

I'm out of here.

So, take a good look,
'cause the Ax-Man is leaving!

Can somebody get the door?

Now slam it!

When most people
have a problem,

they work diligently
to solve it...

and then there's Axl.

It's so sad.

My roommate's financial aid
fell through,

so she had to move back home.

Anyway, now I've got

this huge dorm room
all to myself.

Hi, there.

Axl Heck.

Okay, I think I finally have
the e-mail

I'm gonna send
to the Principal.

I thought you finally had it
last night at 11:00...

and 1:00 and 2:30.

How's this sound?

"Dear Principal Barker,
my husband and I

would like
the opportunity to meet with you

at your earliest convenience."

Agh. Why do we have to go
back in there?

Can't you just call her?

Think about it, Mike.

How many times do we get
the chance

to go to a school meeting
where we're actually right?

Trust me.

This is something we're
gonna want to do in person.

"I think you'll be very interested
in what we have to say."

Notice I'm not telling her
what we're mad about.

I don't want to give her a
chance to load up her argument.

"We know you have 425 students
to deal with,

but we hope you have time
to deal with our one."

See? I threw her own words
back in her face.

Ba-bam!

Why are you so angry?

So many reasons.

- Dad, guess what!
- Good, honey.

Say hello to the new Potato Girl
at Spudsy Malone's!

Oh, congratulations!

So the interview went well.

It was amazing!

The manager offered me the job
so quickly.

He was super decisive.

You don't normally see that kind
of maturity in a 14-year-old.

He was really impressed.

At one point,
I was reading from my essay,

and he even said,
"I don't need to hear any more."

Wow.

And check out this awesome pin.

"Try our new
tuna and cheese potato.

I love it!"

And they even gave me a free one
to take home.

I'm so excited.

Oh.

Must've been a bad bite.

Ugh.

That was even worse
than the first one.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no.

This is not happening!

- Honey, what's the problem?
- The problem is,

I am gonna be wearing a pin
that says,

"Try our new
tuna and cheese potato.

I love it!"

And I clearly do not love it.

Well, Sue, it's just a job.

You don't have to like
what you do.

It's-- it's like cleaning
people's teeth or parenting.

All I know is
I am finally working

at a fast-food stand
in the mall,

which is awesome,

but now my dream
is turning into a nightmare!

I won't be selling
delicious Idaho potatoes

with your choice
of 34 different toppings.

I'll be selling lies!

Sue, come on.

Don't look at me.

I'm in charge of the boys.

So, Axl found
the perfect girl...

Hey, buddy.

This is Beth.

- ...for Kenny.
- She's a girl

with a big, empty dorm room.

She's also on level five
of "World Of Warcraft."

So, Axl was on the way
to solving his problem,

but Sue--

well, she was part
of the workforce now,

so she just had to suck it up

and do the job
they were payin' her for.

Have you tried our new
tuna and cheese potato?

Because I have,
and I really, really,

really...

Have you tried

our new tuna and cheese potato?

I'm sorry.

I...

I really, really, really...

Love it!

I don't love it.

I love it!

It's horrible!

I got to go.

Please. Have a seat.

Thank you.

My husband and I
would just like to say,

the next time you accuse
a student of something,

you might want to get
your facts straight first.

Is there a problem?

Yes, there is a problem.

You made us doubt our son.

Because of your accusations,

we broke that sacred bond
of trust

that we hold so dear.

The fact is,
Brick has been going to class.

We've seen his homework.

He even got an "A"-minus
on his Spanish test.

Go ahead, Brick.
Hit her with some Spanish.

Me llamo Brick.

- What does that mean?
- My name is Brick.

Boom.
His name is Brick.

The bottom line is,

you called us in here
and made us feel

crappy about ourselves,
and that's wrong.

We are good parents,

and we know what's going on
with our son.

So, rather than judging us,
you might want to spend

a little time
looking at yourself

because, apparently,
you don't even know

what's going on
with your own teachers

in your own school.

I'm very sorry,
but all of Brick's teachers

said he hasn't
been attending classes--

Ms. Henderson, Mrs. Kimball,
Mr. Purdy...

Oh. Who are they?

Your teachers.

I don't think so.

I don't know
any of those people.

What?

Oh, wait a minute.

Those must have been the names
of the teachers

I got on the first day.

Yeah, I didn't go
to any of those classes.

Sue said I didn't have to.

Trust me, Brick.

Middle school is so much better
than elementary school,

'cause, like,
in elementary school,

you have to stay
with the same teacher all day.

But in middle school,
if you get bored with one class,

it's not so bad

because you get to switch
classes.

Hmm.

I really didn't mesh
with the Pre-Algebra teacher,

so I switched to Geometry.

I'm not a big fan
of US History,

so I tried European History,
which wasn't great,

but I got a seat by the window,
which I loved.

I swapped Spanish 1
for Spanish 3,

and my Biology teacher
was a bit dry,

so I decided I'd give
Shop Class a whirl,

which I'm very happy I did

because I'm halfway
through building

what I'm told is a bird house.

Brick, that's not what Sue meant.

She meant that
if you don't like a teacher,

at least you get to go
to another one later,

not in place of.

Oh, that's very different...

...but I'm assuming
I still get to keep

my three lunch periods?

Well, you have 425 other
students to take care of,

so we'll just get this one
out of your hair.

Uh, before you go,

Brick has six weeks of homework
to make up for

in five different classes.

Me llamo Principal Barker.
Boom.

Get out of my office.

You're right.
I'm glad we did that in person.

Oh, no.

What?

I left my purse
in the Principal's office.

The car keys were in it.

There's no way
we're going back in there now.

So, for the second time
in a week,

we were slinking home in shame.

Yep, we'd slinked about as low
as we could slunk.

♪ oh, the Lord is good to me ♪

♪ and so I thank the Lord ♪

♪ for giving me
the things I need ♪

♪ the sun and the rain
and the apple seeds... ♪

Can you guys please
take a break from that game?!

But the bottom line is,

I can't sell something
I don't believe in,

even if it means
taking the bus again.

Therefore, I am respectfully
tendering my resignation.

The tuna and cheese potato

was just the special
of the week.

In three days, our featured spud
will be the Thai shrimp delight.

Really?!

Well, that sounds delicious.

Everybody goes through
rough patches.

We're not the only ones.

But no matter how bad
things get,

you just got to hunker down
and ride it out,

'cause as a wise
14-year-old manager once said,

"In a few days,
a new potato will come along."