The Middle (2009–2018): Season 5, Episode 4 - The 100th - full transcript

Orson, Indiana--

heart of the heartland.

Proud home of Little Betty
Snack Cakes,

the Demolition Derby
for the homeless,

and the world's largest
polyurethane cow.

And this year, our little town
was turning 100,

the Orsontennial, and everybody
was super-excited.

Don't answer it.

You have to get it.
The machine's broken.

Then you get it.

I'm pooping!



Hello.

What?

Oh, hang on. Sue.

Did you sign up for
the Orson Float Committee?

No.
Are they looking for people?

Ooh! I'll do it!
I'll do it! I'll do it!

I can totally do it.

Please, please,
please, please, please!

- I can be on it!
- Wait, what?

Okay.
It's not for you.

Wh--
I didn't make it?

Is there an alternate squad?
Is there a waiting list?

Ooh, is there a Clean-Up
Committee?

'Cause I have Clean-Up-Committee
experience, you know?



Okay. Hang on.

Look, I-I-I don't know anything
about that.

She's gonna have to
call you back.

Hey.

Did you sign us up for some
Orsontennial Float Committee?

Yeah, right, that sounds exactly
like something I would do.

Wait a minute.

Hey, Frankie.

How would you and Mike
like to drive a float

in the centennial parade?

You bet I would!
Hey, Mike!

Nancy wants us to drive a float
in the centennial parade.

Whatever, baby.

Whoo!

See, this is what happens
when we drink.

We sign up for stupid committees
or get Brick.

Mom, dad,
I'd like you to listen

to my top 100 slogans
for the Orsontennial.

What's the first one?
That's my favorite.

What's this for, anyway?

It's a contest
sponsored by the city.

The winner gets to ride
in the parade

on an old-timey fire truck,

and the best part is,

your motto
becomes the town's motto

for the next 100 years.

Orson--
100 years of fun.

Orson--
you don't look a day over 99.

Orson--
all-new people every 100 years.

I got it!

Orson--
100 years of moderate progress.

Dudes!

- Dude!
- Dude!

- Yeah! The boys are back!
- Yes!

Whoo!

All right, yeah. Take a seat.
Let's get started.

All right, all right.

Okay, guys, been giving this
a lot of thought.

There's no telling when Orson's
gonna have another centennial,

so how's Boss Co. gonna make
some cash off this thing?

Hey, we could be those guys

that put all the cones out
for traffic and stuff.

Yeah, I think the city
does that.

We could pick up the garbage.

The city does that, too.

Man, the city is screwing us.

Dudes,
we're not manual-labor guys.

This is Boss Co.
With college knowledge.

- Yeah.
- Oh, wait a minute.

I got it.

What's the one thing
Orson doesn't have?

- Hot chicks.
- A shoe factory.

A VIP experience.

It's too equal here.

It's like everybody's as good
as everybody else.

We could bring exclusivity
to Orson.

- I like it.
- Mm-hmm.

Get some chairs,

reserve a block
along the parade route,

a-a velvet rope.

My uncle's got some police tape

from where they dug out
that foot.

Yeah.
Let's do it.

Boss Co. 2.0!

Whoo. Yeah.

Now, I'd like to start
by announcing

the official name
of the parade.

It's "Ehlert Motors
Presents The Orsontennial,

Sponsored By Ehlert Motors."

Mr. Ehlert, would you like
to say a few words?

This is a buying opportunity,
folks.

Remember,
for the week of the centennial,

Ehlert Motors is rolling back
prices to 1913--

plus 25 grand.

Wonderful.

Now, we need to make our 100th
a big success,

and I've got
an exciting surprise

which should really kick things
up a notch.

We got Ron Cougar Mellencamp!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Ron Cougar Mellencamp,

Indiana's number-four

John Cougar Mellencamp
impersonator,

according to Yelp.

Okay. Everyone knows
their assignments.

Let's break up
into our subcommittees.

Hey, Nancy.

Great speech.

Listen, we don't think

we should be driving a float
in the parade.

What? Why?

Well, it's just that when we
signed up, we were--

- Drunk.
- Yeah.

We weren't quite operating
with all our faculties,

or, obviously,
we wouldn't have volunteered.

But you two have been assigned
the Orson cow float.

It's a huge honor.

Plus, you did ask for it.

We did?

You want something simple?

No way, Lady Liberty.

We want the biggest float
you got!

Ow!

Mmm.

Oh, man.

You guys get to drive the cow?

That's only the best float
in the whole parade.

Lucky ducks.

And that's when we realized
100 years is a big deal,

and we should be
doing our part.

Plus,
Nancy brought brownies--

the kind that are melted
on the inside,

but the crust stays
sort of hard.

It's like they're done,
but they're not done.

What can I say?

The woman knows
what she's doing.

Mom, I don't blame you for not
liking my previous mottos.

They weren't personal, and they
lacked historical context.

Hey!

So, to that end,

I went to the library
and did a little research.

Now, did you know
that in the early 1800s--

Yeah, skip ahead, Brick.

Oh, okay.

Uh, well, then,
in the early 1900s,

a down-on-his-luck miner
named Merwin James Orson

found an emerald while digging
on his property.

Word spread quickly,

and people came from miles
around to find their fortune,

but turns out there was none,

and it was a lawless community
for years.

Prostitution was rampant,
but eventually,

it became the town we know
and love today.

So, what do you think
about this?

Orson--
the heartland's hidden gem.

Wow, Brick.

That's actually good.

I know, right?
I think I nailed it.

It's melodious.

It's got alliteration
with the nod to history.

Old-timey fire truck,
here I come.

Most importantly,
I think it'll put me

in certain literary circles.

Dinner!

Hey!

Poor Sue.

For weeks, she'd been trying
to get over Darrin.

I mean,
he had a new girlfriend.

So, she decided if this angel
person was right for him,

she would move on.

But she had to find out.

Hey.
You're... Sue, right?

You're a friend of Darrin's.

Yep. That's me.

Friend of Darrin's.

FOD.

I'm so glad you're here.

I've secretly been dying
to get my hands on your hair.

Oh, cool. Thanks.

Yeah, I'm just looking
for more of a style

for the Orsontennial.

Yeah, you really need one.

So, how long have you and Darrin
been seeing each other?

Oh, just a couple months.

That's cool.

So, like,
what do you like about him?

Oh, you know, he's hot.

Right.

Anything else?

I like his arms.

Mm-hmm.

That would sort of fall under
the "Hot" category.

So...

His neck.
He's got a sexy neck.

And his stomach-- mm.

Okay. We don't have to go
through every body part.

Is there anything else you like
about Darrin?

Uh...

Oh, my God, Brad,
she is so wrong for him.

I mean, obviously,

she's a really talented
hairdresser,

but that's not enough.

Darrin deserves so much more.

I know you're saying stuff,

but I can't stop staring
at your hair.

It looks amahz.
I'm so jel.

Oh, you wouldn't believe
the looks I got.

I wish I could do this myself.

Totally.

She doesn't appreciate him,
Brad.

He is so much more
than his arms.

He is a musician and a poet,

and he can parallel-park
like nobody's business.

You know,
I wouldn't be surprised

if their whole relationship
is based on--

excuse my language--
physical stuff.

Mm.

I mean,
is that all that men want?

Is that really
what all men are like?

Not the good ones, Sue.

Not the good ones.

Brad, I just don't
know what I'm gonna do.

Well, I do.

You need to make him know
what he's missing, Sue.

You need to make him jealous.

You're right, Brad.

I'm gonna go for it.

And you are just the man
to help me.

Oh, I'm so in.

And I know exactly what loafers
I'm gonna wear.

- Can I Instagram this?
- Oh.

♪Stunning.

So, we got over 70 entries
for the motto contest.

No, I'm sorry, seven.

We got over seven entries.

But when we saw this one,

it's clear that a lot of thought
went into this.

The winner
of the motto contest is...

"Orson-- why not?"

What?!

Ooh! Oh, that's me!

Oh, that's me! Oh!

Thank you!

Excuse me, Mr. Ehlert,

there seems to be
some kind of mistake.

I mean, "Orson-- why not?"

What about "The heartland's
hidden gem"?

We didn't get it.

But I turned it in
the day--

No, no, we received it.
We just didn't get it.

"Why not?"

Now, that's snappy.
It's like, "Got milk?"

This is an outrage.
That is an inferior motto.

And nobody said
we could use punctuation.

Forget it, son.

We're moving on
to the pie contest.

- But it's--
- It's done!

You lost.
Get over it.

Now, I've got 35 pies to taste,

so unless you're a pie,
get out of my face.

Remember, Orsonites,
stay with your floats.

I'm not naming names,
but some boys have been seen

running around with egg cartons
and silly string--

the Glossners.

Now, sleep tight,
'cause Don's Oriental Food

is providing free coffee
and crullers at 6:00 AM!

You know,
I never thought I'd be excited

about sleeping
out in the street,

but this is kind of fun.

How do you figure?

Oh, come on.

It's good for us
to get out of our comfort zone

once in a while.

And it's nice
to be giving back.

I mean, think about how much
this town has done for us.

Yeah. Well, after this,
we're even.

It is weird, though.

What?

Just how long we've been here.

That's a lot of years.

And to think,
if it wasn't for that gas cap,

we'd be living in Chicago
right now.

Sure, blame it on the gas cap.

It's true.

We were so close.

We were just outside
of Chicago.

Everything we owned was packed
in that u-haul,

and then we had to stop
at that gas station.

Back then, you were
too good to pee in a ditch.

And then you noticed
that the gas cap was missing.

We had to drive all the way back
to Orson to find it.

Hey, you can't return a rental
truck without a gas cap.

They'd have charged us a fortune
to replace it.

And then you ran into that guy
at the lunch place,

your old friend
from middle school.

What's-his-name
with the mullet?

Rockin' Phil Nissen.

Yeah, that's right.

And then he told us about
that opening at the quarry,

and... 20 years later,
here we are.

Here we are.

Can I tell you something?

If it's that you love me
even more now,

then, please, I'm listening.

I didn't forget the gas cap.

What?

I didn't forget the gas cap.
I made that up.

What are you talking about?

Are you serious?
You're not serious.

We were almost there...
and-- I don't know--

it just didn't feel right.

So you just made up a story
about a gas cap?

Why didn't you talk to me
about it?

I was scared, too.

Why didn't you just tell me
how you felt?

I don't know.

I thought we'd have
a big fight.

We were young.

I wasn't so used to it then.

Are you mad?

Well, I'm always a little mad
but...

...no.

No.

I'm glad we didn't
end up there.

Chicago is so big.

Who knows what would have
happened?

Somebody would have ended up
on drugs.

It might have been us.

I'm glad we're here.

It's a good town.

It is.

Rise and shine!

Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey!

Happy 100th.

Here's your walkies.

It's showtime!

Wait, why do we need
walkie-talkies?

'Cause you have to communicate.

Frankie,
you're his eyes and ears.

He can't see a thing
back there.

Now climb into your cow,
and let's do this.

Oof.

Okay.

So, I just go through
this little hole to my area?

No, that little hole
is your area.

So, wait, seriously?

This is it?

Uh...

Oh, yeah.

Wow.
This is gonna be horrible.

I'd be more comfortable
in a real cow.

I still don't get why we need
walkie-talkies.

I can yell at you from here.

I've been yelling at you
for 20 years.

Okay, I get it.

Come on down
to Ehlert's Motors!

We'll make you a deal!

And remember, you don't have to
plug our cars in to your house.

Our cars run on good,
old-fashioned American gas,

not foreign electricity.

I can't believe this.
Not a single customer?

No one is biting.

Maybe they don't get it.

I told you we should have
spelled out

"Very Important People."

Oh, hey.

Excuse me, sir.

How would you like
the VIP experience?

Well, now,
why would I want that?

Well, 'cause it's a way
to experience the parade

in unparalleled style
and comfort.

Oh, I wouldn't want folks
thinking I'm fancy.

Can we get your e-mail address
for future events?

Brick was trying his best

to put the motto-contest
disappointment behind him,

but that was proving to be
difficult.

VIP seating right over there.

Eat tiny sandwiches.

Be better than your neighbors.

Seats going fast.

Left. Left.

That's too much left!

Right, right!
Right, right!

No, no, no!
That's too far! Stop!

Oh, my God, that was close.

Why aren't you listening to me?

I am listening.
I need more lead time.

It takes more than a few seconds
to steer this damn thing.

What the hell are you doing
up there?

Well, I'm sorry.

This twirler keeps dropping
her baton.

We could have flattened her
like a pancake.

Just tell me what you see.

I see... Brad
with his arm around Sue.

I always liked those two
together.

Uh...
I can't feel my legs.

I'm gonna get thrombosis.
I saw it on "Dr. Oz."

You know,
maybe if I get on my stomach.

Aah! Oh, oh, oh.
Worse, worse.

So much worse.

No. No, no, no!
What is this, Sean?!

What?

I thought we could
at least recoup

a little of our investment.

We paid to sit here, Axl.

See?

You can't do that. You let the dorks in,
it becomes the dork area.

There's Darrin.
Let's do it.

Are you sure?
In front of everybody?

Trust me. Nothing makes a man
more jealous.

♪ Summer lovin',
had me a blast ♪

♪ summer lovin',
happened so fast ♪

♪ met a girl crazy for me ♪

♪ met a boy cute as can be ♪

♪ summer days drifting away ♪

♪ to, uh, oh,
those summer nights ♪

♪ oh, well-uh, well-uh,
well-uh ♪

Yeah, okay,
we got to get them out of here.

And here comes an original
Orson fire truck from 1927.

And riding atop, that's our
Orson motto contest winner,

Kristen Rice.

"Orson--
why not? Orson-- why not?"

People, please.
Don't you see what's happening?

This is the dumbing down
of America.

We have to live with this motto
for the next 100 years.

What will future generations
think?

Do we really want this motto?

Is this the legacy we want
to leave our children?

Free t-shirts!

Oh, sure, grab them up
just 'cause they're free.

Just 'cause it's on a t-shirt
doesn't make it right!

Shoot, I'm a sucker
for a good font.

Curse you, Sans Serif.

Sans Serif.

Maybe we picked the wrong song.

The song was flawless, Brad.

I just have to face facts.

Darrin's moved on.

Maybe I should, too.

It's just that I thought we were
so right for each other.

I thought we could have

the kind of relationship
my parents have.

What do you mean you're trying?

Just open your mouth and tell me
which way to turn.

A piece of grass
has fallen down,

and I can't see
where I'm going.

Well, move it.

I'm trying,
but my back is cramping.

What are you complaining about?
You're three feet tall.

Just scooch forward.

Oh, yeah, says the guy in
the back with all the legroom.

Ohh, yeah!
It's a big party back here.

Oh, you had to get us
out of our comfort zone.

We're old, Frankie.

There is no comfort zone!

Everything's uncomfortable.
Everything hurts.

Yeah, if you didn't wuss out
at the last minute,

we would be in Chicago
right now.

Save it.

You were practically crying
last night

how happy you are here.

Last night,
I wasn't stuffed inside a cow.

I am never drinking
another Margarita again.

You don't mean that.

I know.

This is Nancy Donahue's fault.

She plies everybody
with booze and brownies,

and then we all turn into
her little army of idiots.

Why don't you stop
doing what she says?

She acts like Queen Bee,
and you suck up to her.

I mean, who gives a crap
what Nancy Donahue thinks?

Me?

What about you always trying
to act like a big shot

around Bill Norwood.

Yeah. Yeah, that's me.
I live to impress Bill Norwood.

He's married to Paula.
He's got his own cross to bear.

When this is over, I'm gonna
give Nancy a piece of my mind.

- You won't.
- I know.

Um... float operators?

Please switch to channel 3
for all domestic disputes.

They're listening.
Oh, crap on a cracker.

Turn it off.
Turn it off.

What the heck?

Well, that was definitely
our fault.

This is all your fault!

I thought you said
you knew electricity!

I didn't study that yet!

Cut that cord!

- I got it! I got it!
- Grab it, grab it!

- Oh.
- Aah!

Great!
Now everybody hates us.

The whole town is mad.

Look.
They're all yelling at us.

Why is it so hot in here?

- Fire!
- Fire! Out!

Oh, my God!

We're on fire!

What?

Mike, the cow is on fire!
It's burning!

We got to get out of here!
Let's go! Let's go!

Frankie, get out!

Come on.

- Aah!
- Gee whiz! Look at that!

Sue, look out!

Aah!

You okay?

Yeah. Thanks.

Oh, my God!
Sue, are you okay?

Did you see that, Brad?

Darrin saved me.

He saved me first.

Do you know what this means?

There's hope, Brad.

There's hope.

Has anyone seen
Ron Cougar Mellencamp?

Does anyone have eyes
on Ron Cougar Mellencamp?!

So, the Orsontennial didn't go
exactly as planned.

But when I really think
about it,

I'm glad we never made it
to Chicago

because there, when a cow
catches on fire,

the whole city burns down.

But not here.

That's what's great about
living in a town like this.

It's like
Ron Cougar Mellencamp says.

♪ I was born in a teeny place ♪

♪ and I live in a teeny place ♪

♪ probably die
in a teeny place ♪

♪ oh, those teeny-weeny
communities ♪

♪ all my friends
are so teeny-weeny ♪

♪ my parents live
in the same teeny town ♪

♪ my job is so teeny-weeny ♪

♪ provides little
oppor-teeny-ty ♪

Hey!

You know,
I think we just might end up

spending the rest of our lives
here in Orson.

Why not?