The Middle (2009–2018): Season 5, Episode 2 - The Middle - full transcript

Get up!

Get up!

First day of school!
I mean it, people!

We are not gonna be
the la-- Oh.

- You're up already.
- Yep.

Turns out with no Axl

pulling his dirty underwear
over my head

yelling, "Time's up!" and
dragging me out of the bathroom,

I had time to shower
this morning.

I was even able to
rinse and repeat.

Get up!



First day of school!
Get up!

I'm sick of-- Oh.

They're up already.

I couldn't sleep anyway,
it was so hot.

When are we getting
the air conditioner fixed?

I tried
packing myself in popsicles,

but I woke up covered in ants.

I told you, you don't fix the
air conditioner when it's hot.

You wait till winter when
the AC guys are desperate,

and then you get a discount.

That's why I'm going tomorrow
to look at snowblowers.

Is that why you guys didn't
buy us any school supplies?

No.
That we just forgot.

Look, you can get them in a
couple weeks when they're cheap.



Meantime, you can just
borrow from friends.

Um, that'll be probably be
more of a two-step process.

What are you doing?

Texting Axl to remind him
he has Philosophy at 9:00.

You know,
he's not a morning person.

Come on.
He's a big boy, Frankie.

He doesn't need mommy
waking him up.

I've been thinking, why do I need
to go to middle school, anyway?

You know,
I've done some research,

and homeschooling
is not out of the question.

It is at this home.

What now, Brick?

Is this about the asbestos
again?

'Cause I told you, they got that
down to acceptable levels.

Okay, I'd be lying if I said

I didn't have some concerns,

not the least of which is
I can't go to the bathroom.

Unh-unh.
No more quirks. You're done.

It's not that.

Everyone knows if a sixth grader
goes to the bathroom,

eighth graders wait in there
to give him a swirlie.

Brick, that's just a
stupid legend that goes around.

That stuff doesn't really
happen. Mike, tell him.

Did you ever in your whole life
get a swirlie?

I didn't get them.

You'll be fine.

While Brick was worried
about getting swirlied,

Sue wasn't worried
about a thing.

Oh, my God.

This feels amazing!

I can't believe I'm actually
getting to walk down this hall.

I know. Me too.

Wait. Why?

Axl's locker was on this hall,

and he would never
let me walk down it,

even though I had a class here.

I would have to go outside,
and the old crossing guard

would lift me up so I could
crawl through the window.

Sue, we don't have
a crossing guard.

Huh.
Then who was that?

Anyway, I am free now.

I can go wherever I want.

I can do whatever I want.

I can even
dance down this hallway,

and there's no one here
to call me a dork.

- You don't have to ask me twice!
- Whoo!

Hey.

Just getting home from work?

Yep. Had to
catch up on some things.

Uh-huh.

You were sitting in the car with the
air-conditioning on, weren't you?

Hey, you're always saying
you want some alone time,

and I didn't know we were putting
frozen chicken down our shirts.

Not when it's 100 degrees.

When it's hot, I want
people around to complain to.

Ugh.

I can never get ahold of Axl.

I swear,
this kid never texts me back.

I don't hear from him anymore.

What do you need to get in touch
with him for, anyway?

Well, for one, he's my son,

and I'd like to know
he's been eating.

He's fine, Frankie.
He's an athlete.

The coaches make sure
they eat right.

Well, it's not just that.

There's been some mix-up in his
schedule, and I need to make sure

that he transferred out of
Intro to Sosh.

You know what?
I'm just gonna call him.

Hey, buddy.
How was--

Bathroom.
Bathroom.

Bathroom.
Bathroom.

- He's not picking up.
- Hey, pal.

Did you ever transfer
out of Intro to Sosh?

Done. You know a cool thing
about being a football player?

They sent some kid over to do it
for me 'cause I'm, like, way busy.

- Sweet!
- All right, then.

I'm gonna let you go.

What was that?
He answered?

- Yeah.
- What do you mean, "Yeah"?

- Does he usually answer?
- Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Okay, so, you're saying
when you text him,

- he texts you back?
- Yeah.

Oh, my God.

We have any dip?

No, we don't
have any dip, Mike.

I can't believe
Axl has been texting you

this whole time
and he won't text me!

Oh, come on.
He's texted you.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I was wrong.

I did get one text.

It said, "K-D-J-J-J."

Pretty sure it was a butt text.

So, yes,
I have heard from Axl's butt.

Well, that's something.

I just don't get it, Mike!

Why won't he text me back?!

Why is he doing this to me?!

Why won't he answer my calls?!

Maybe 'cause of
that voice right there?

I'm just saying,
moms can be kind of clingy.

You got to be
cooler about this.

I'm... cool.

Look, you can't
text him all the time.

You got to space them out.

And if you just called him,

maybe wait a couple days before
you call him again.

Oh, and be sure to
hang up first.

You don't want to be
the rambly one.

You want to
make him come to you.

I'm not trying to date my son.

Trust me, Frankie, you just got
to give him time to miss you.

But that could take years!

Why is this thing
even on, Mike?

That vent's just blowing
air from the outside.

Look, you need the airflow
to cool you off when you sweat.

It's nature's
air-conditioning.

I don't want
nature's air-conditioning.

I want
people's air-conditioning.

Thanks, but I'm off liquids
until June.

I'm training myself
not to go to the bathroom.

Brick, you need to
drink something.

Your kidneys
are gonna shut down,

and we can't afford that.

Why are you still sitting
in a lawn chair, Brick?

You know, you don't have to be
in a lawn chair

when there's a perfectly good
chair right there.

Unh-unh. That's Axl's.
No way.

Well, he's gone now.

Finally, we are the size family
we were always meant to be.

What?

I thought
I heard my phone buzz.

Look, it's been radio silence,

and I've done
everything you said.

I have been so good.

I went for two days
without calling him.

I waited 36 hours between texts

and not one word back--
nothing.

I said, "How'z it hanging?"
With a "Z."

It doesn't get
more casual than that.

I followed your stupid rules
and nothing--

I still get nothing.

Look, it's like I said before,
Frankie.

You're too needy.

Guys can smell that,
and they run.

I can't help it.
I miss my son.

It's normal to miss your son.

It's normal for him to be gone.

So you're saying
you don't miss him at all?

I'm saying
it's how it's supposed to be.

I mean, I-I'm perfectly fine
with him being gone.

I'd be fine
if these two were gone.

Right here, dad.

- You know what I mean.
- Mm.

Dad's right.
I'm just gonna say it.

I am glad that Axl's gone.

And I'm not sorry
for saying it, either.

He insulted me
roughly 56 times a day,

and that's being conservative.

I mean, you guys have no idea
how many times it happened.

- Dork says, "Hey."
- Hey!

I'm sorry, but I'm a huge
supporter of animal rights,

and I just think it's wrong
to put a monkey in clothes.

Which finger smells like butt?

Which finger
smells like butt, huh?

Trick question.
They all do.

- Aah!
- Aggh!

But that's all in the past now.

Axl's reign of terror is over.

We're done
being called Pew and Ick.

We are done cleaning his room

only to find out
there was no 10 bucks!

Our time has come, Brick. If you
won't sit in his chair, I will!

We're free now.

Our brother
can't hurt us anymore.

Still better than
having him here.

Well, apparently
someone forgot to

tell Indiana it was fall,
'cause it just got hotter--

so hot that Mike caved
and called in a professional

from the Midwest Institute
of Air-Conditioning Repair.

I'm honored, sir,
that you would call

and trust me
in my area of expertise.

So, can you fix it?

No, absolutely not.

I've only had two classes, and
one was picking out our shirts.

Okay. Future professional.

Well, fine. Just--
just do what you can, Darrin.

Limp it along till December.

Okay, but just so you know,

I wouldn't feel right
about taking your money.

Good, 'cause
I can't give you any.

I can't take it!
I got to go!

Are you crazy?
You can't go to the bathroom.

Don't you know what happens
to kids who go in there?

I heard there's
an old eighth grader in there

who never graduated,
and if you try to run from him,

your feet get stuck to the floor
because of all the pee.

Well, I heard about someone
getting a royal flush.

That's a double swirlie!

He drank so much toilet water

that eggs grew in his stomach.

And when he
went to the hospital

to get them
removed from his stomach,

spiders crawled out.

Oh.

Hi.

Hi!

What's with us and trash, huh?

Yeah.
It's like we're flies.

Yeah.

So, wow.

I didn't even
realize you were here.

The first rule of
being a good service technician

is not disturbing
the occupants of the dwelling.

Anyway, so, how's school going?

Oh, it's great.

Uh, I have a ton of
responsibilities this year.

You may have heard--
I am a Junior Peer Leadership Adviser.

You know, a JP-la.

Yeah. I don't think
I knew they had those.

Anyway,

look at you,
Mr. Repairman... man.

Yeah. And look at you.

You do something different
with your hair?

Oh, I'm rinsing
and repeating now.

Me too.

A lot of work goes into this.

Well, I should probably
get going.

You know, all the
JP-la responsibilities.

And I should probably get back
to not being able to fix this.

Okay. Well, bye.

Bye.

Uh, Sue?

Mm-hmm?

Oh.

Oh, hey. Want to hear
an interesting conversation?

Not especially.

Mike-- "Call your mom."

Axl-- "Ugh. Why?"

What are you doing?
Is that my phone?

Mike-- "'Cause she's your mom,
and she wants to hear from you."

Axl-- "Why, does she have
extra nag minutes?"

Mike-- "LOL".

LOL?
You LOL'd that?

You thought that was
laugh out loud?

When have you ever
laughed out loud at anything?

Look, I was just
trying to help you out.

Oh, sure,
'cause your little marionette

will only call his mom if the
puppet master pulls the strings?

You know, this is why--

Forget it.

What? Say it.

Nope. Don't want to.

No, this is why what?

Nobody wants to talk to me?

You know what, Frankie?
This is dangerous territory.

So, let's just forget it.
Now, give me my phone back.

Yeah. Okay, okay, but just
h-h-h-hold on a second.

Why? What are you doing?

Hey, give-- give-- give me
the phone. Give it back!

I want to see what you're doing.

I-I am not kidding you.
You give me the stupid phone.

- Hey! What are you, nuts?
- Give-- give--

- What is this? - I don't know. How would
I know when it's not my phone?

Oh, my God!

Are you texting Axl as me?

What?! No!

"Hey, hotshot.

How about that sports team?

And are you
getting enough sleep?"

- Frankie, really?
- Well, I'm sorry.

I want to hear from my son,

and I am not too proud
to pretend to be you to do it.

I'm all left out in the cold

while you two
are little texting buddies.

Text, text, text.
"OMG".

"LMAO".
"Dad's so awesome."

"Smiley face.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."

Fine. Just forget it.
You can have each other.

You just get off on your
little bicycle built for two

and ride off into the sunset.

Just remember this--
Sue likes me better,

and when she
goes off to college,

I'm gonna tell her
not to call you.

What?!
But I love dad.

I would never do that!

Go to bed, Sue.

As more tall tales of the
bathroom swept through school,

Brick's quest
to give up liquids continued.

He survived the track unit
in gym class.

Ten more laps!

And don't forget
to drink lots of water!

It's hot!

He survived science class,

where they were
studying the Sun.

But what he hadn't counted on
was Ms. Harvey's fifth period.

Today, we are sampling foods

from our neighbor
to the south--

Méjico!

Cuidado.

The salsa is muy caliente.

That's Mexican for "hot."

Hey, Brad.

I need to talk to you
about something.

It's about Darrin.

Ooh.

I'll set the table.
You bring the dish.

Okay, well, he came over
to our house yesterday.

- What? Awkward.
- Yeah.

At first.

But then it was kind of nice.

Kind of like
we'd never even broken up.

It was like there was
this spark or something.

And maybe this spark
is creating

a blazing inferno
inside your heart?

Maybe.

It's just, I got to thinking.

Darrin and I always
had a lot of fun together.

We would play mini golf,
have crazy dance competitions,

go through a drive-through
and order with British accents.

The only reason
I really broke up with him

was 'cause Axl
was being so weird about it.

But I'm not living my life
for Axl anymore.

Sue, when you
broke up with Darrin,

I was all supportive, and I
said, "Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh."

But inside,
I was like, "No, no, no!"

- So you think I should go for it?
- Uh-huh.

And the real "Uh-huh."
Not the one with the screaming "No" inside.

I can't hold it anymore.

I'm going to the bathroom.

No, you won't survive!

Want to punch me in the eye?

Then you can go to the vice principal's
office and use his bathroom.

That's all the way to Building "A."
I'll never make it.

Building "A."
Whoop!

Try sneaking in.

Maybe that way, you won't
draw attention to yourself.

No.

No sneaking.

We're sixth graders.

Yeah, we may not
have hair on our arms

or the courage
to look a girl in the eye,

and we sometimes yearn for
the days of scheduled nap time,

but we're still men--

small men,
but men nonetheless--

and it's time to
start acting like it.

So Brick set out to go

where no sixth grader
had ever gone before--

the bathroom.

Hey, how's it going?

Hey.

That big kid came out
and Brick didn't.

Something horrible
has happened.

Maybe we should
go in and help him.

You go.
Brick and I aren't that close.

- Yes!
- All right!

So Brick was a hero,

admired and respected
by his fellow classmates--

for about 10 seconds until...

Hey, Mr. Heck.

I've completed
a thorough diagnostic,

and I've determined I have no
idea what's wrong with the unit.

But on the plus side, we have a
class on condensers Tuesday,

so here's hoping
it's the condenser, huh?

Yeah, well, don't count on it.

It's our house.

So, hey,
the Colts game's about to start.

Why don't you
stick around and watch?

- Oh, that sounds great.
- All right!

But I can't.

Aw, come on.
I owe you.

The Pacers are in preseason,
the Colts are in San Francisco,

Brick just read our TV manual,

and it turns out
we got picture-in-picture.

You know, I appreciate it,
but I got to go.

It's really hot in here.

Yep-- turns out Mike
wasn't as fine as he thought

with Axl being gone.

- Still here, dad.
- Oh. Sorry.

Hey, you want to
watch the game?

No, I do not.

Uh. Uh.

Darrin! Darrin!
Wait up. Wait up.

Sorry.
I take abnormally big steps.

I'm hard to keep up with.

Uh, listen.

How do I say this?

Okay, uh, ever since
Axl's been gone,

I don't know if you've noticed,
but I have just sort of

blossomed into
this whole new person,

and I started thinking more
about what I want,

and I just kind of
wondered if--

Hey, dude.

Oh, hi, Angel.

Angel, this is Sue.

Sue, this is Angel.

Angel's in the cosmetology
program at Orson Beauty Academy.

We share a parking lot
and a cafeteria with them.

Cool!

Ooh, I really like your nails.

Thanks, yeah,
I posted them on Facebook,

and so far
I've gotten 16 likes.

Ah! Amazing!

So, can we go somewhere
and talk?

We were going to the movies.

Oh. Okay. Yeah.

I guess we can all do that,
and then we can talk after?

No, I meant the two of us.

Oh.

Well, that's weird,
'cause what is Angel gonna do?

She's right there.

Sue, Angel and I go to
the movies every Sunday night.

Well, that just
makes it worse, Darrin,

'cause now
she's expecting to go.

We better get going, Darrin. The
movie's gonna be starting soon.

If we miss
any of the first five minutes,

he's lost, like,
the whole movie.

And then I'm asking her a bunch of
questions, which drives her crazy.

You're lucky you're cute.

Oh, wait!

I can't go to the movies.

Where is my head?

Oh, there it is!

Anyhoo, uh, the thing is,
I totally promised my mom

that I would help her...
make bolognese sauce.

It's really
labor-intensive,

but don't ask her about it,
because she won't remember.

She's old.

So have fun, you two!

Go! Go!

Okay, so, yeah.
The story is...

Oh, hey, Sue,

what did you want to
talk to me about?

Oh, nothing.

Uh, it was just
about the air conditioner

and how it's broken
and can never be fixed.

But we waited too long
to fix it,

so I guess that's our fault.

Well, regular air-conditioning
maintenance is important.

It really is.

What are you doing
sitting alone in the dark?

Oh, light bulbs are hot.
They heat up the room.

So, why didn't you go outside?

'Cause I'm getting ready
to watch the game.

With the phone in your hand and
the remote on top of the TV?

You don't know
how I watch games.

Oh, I know plenty.

And you know what I think?

I think you miss your son.

Stop it.

No, you do.

You've got your phone in your
hand so you can keep checking it

so you don't miss any possible
texts or phone calls.

I know the symptoms, Mike.

You miss your son.

I do not.

Admit it, Mike.

You love your son.

You love your son.

Look, East Indiana played
Concordia yesterday,

and I thought he would call
to tell me about the game,

but he got busy, I guess.

That's fine.
It's just... different.

Axl and I were--

you know,
we spent a lot of time together.

- I don't really relate to Brick.
- Right here, dad.

Nothing I wouldn't say
to your face.

Well, this probably isn't
the time to rub it in,

but I got a text
from Axl today.

- "Send shampoo."
- Huh.

Looks like
I'm the new favorite.

_

Hey! You're supposed to be
away at college.

You got to stop calling so much.

I know, right?

- You, uh, watching the Colts?
- Yeah.

What a fourth quarter, huh?
Did you see that pass to Wayne?

Oh, yeah.
On the slant?

- What a grab.
- Yeah. Awesome.

Um, oh, hey, your mom is gonna
send you that shampoo,

- so be looking for that.
- Okay. Will do.

Oh, and, hey, don't, uh, let her
just put a bunch of dishwashing soap

into a shampoo bottle,
'cause I know she does that.

Okay. I'll make sure.

So, uh, what's going on there?

Oh, well, not much.

Oh, I went outside yesterday,

and, uh, I see that Ron Donahue

bought
a brand-new leaf blower.

Peak of the season.

Just throwing money away.

Sucker.

♪ the guy.

Oh, so, tell me about
your game yesterday.

- How did it go?
- Oh...